[ARTIST658]

This forum has helped me tremendously over the past few months. I've been going through a difficult time in my own life, and this forum has inspired me to keep "fighting the fight" and resisting any temptation to go backwards.

I am posting this just to let you know I'll be away for the next week - and won't have access to a computer. I have been responding to a number of posts recently, hoping to pass on some hope to the next person struggling with narcotic addiction. I just want those folks who I've corresponded with to understand that I'm away, not ignoring them! I know how easy it is to "personalize" another's behavior, and think we've driven them off! Not true - I'm just taking care of business out of state.

This may be a good time to let you know what's up with me... why I come here, even long after I'm clean and sober. It's a part of how I stay in recovery - passing it on to the next person. It's about the 12th step of any 12-step program, if you're unfamiliar. It keeps me grateful, keeps me focused, helps me to find meaning out of my own history.

I came here because I needed some extra help in staying clean. I've been going through a personal crisis - and it would have been so easy to slide backwards through it. I will share what's been happening, just to pass on to the rest of you just what is possible to do - drug-free. Honestly, I never thought I had the strength.

I lost both of my parents this summer. Mom was diagnosed with cancer in April, and Dad and I cared for her at home until she passed in June. The house was overflowing with narcotics of every type, thanks to Hospice. Literally, thousands of pills. And the temptation to me was powerful, to say the least. I couldn't just trust that I wouldn't take any - I had to plunge head-first into my recovery work, and just do it all the more. Then, in August, completely unexpectedly, my father had a massive heart attack and died en route to the hospital. It was such a sudden shock - in fact, I don't know if it has fully sunken it yet.

My first priority HAS to be my recovery from drugs and alcohol - without recovery, I'm useless. I'd be of no help to anyone, and would only add to the heartache my family members were already going through. So -there's things I do on a daily basis to stay clean. I just have to do them MORE through an ordeal such as this. More prayer, more meditation, more meetings, more talking, writing, step work. That is when I dove into this forum - and found a wonderful place to keep focused on recovery. That's one of many reasons I do this.

In addition, I feel a deep, passionate obligation to pass on the HOPE that was given freely to me when I was new. I was so broken by the time I was ready to stop - so overwhelmed and full of shame and remorse - I held no hope for any change. But others reached out their hands to me, and offered hope that life could be better. They saved my life, quite literally. This is how I pay them back - passing on that hope - and also, keep that memory fresh. That's also the basis of NA or AA.

I'm heading to Massachusetts today, to deal with some estate issues. I do not want to do it - in fact, I'm dreading it. But I don't look for "escapes" from real life today. I know I can handle it, with God's help, and with lots of support of friends and family.

I'd like to thank all of you - for sharing so much of yourselves - for your honesty and courage. I am absolutely in awe of Robert and Melinda for their devotion in helping others - they inspire me tremendously. But I am equally inspired by the honest sharing of folks who are struggling... they renew my resolve to stay clean every day. I'm so grateful for this forum, and am eager to come back when I return home next week.

God bless,
Ruth

[GBAnon]

Wow, I think I teared up there.
Now I'm all emotional. Man.

[RubyDean]

Thanks Ruth, I really love reading your posts. So very kind and gentle with your delivery, yet very effective at the same time. I hope things go well for you thru this difficult time.
Many prayers for you and yours. Keep up what you have been doing, it is helping so many, including me.

[caughtagain]

Hi Ruth, I have Been reading your posts and the help you have given others is so kind and honest. Thanks for sharing your past year. I am thankful to have both of my parents, so I cannot imagine what you are going through. But know this, we are here to listen when you feel the need to vent. My GF of almost 5 years of living together lost both her parents this year within 6 weeks of each other. One was 59 and one 58. The sorrow and hurt I watched her go through was so sad. That is one thing that fueled my spiral, just to keep up on the support train, so I admire your strength. Both of her parents died unexpectedly, so it was bad. You are in my thoughts as you go to the Estate stuff (which Is a pain in the petooty) and my gf is the admin of their estates....CA

[kathleen5hockey]

thank you Ruth, you are an inspiration to me that there is hope for my daughter.

Kathleen

[Freedom4me]

Ruth,
I will miss you and eagerly await your triumphant return! You have been through so much. I have the deepest respect for you. Please take care. If you want you can email me and I will give you my cell number in case you feel the need to talk to someone while you are away if you get the "urge". I could be your sponoser until you make it back "home" to the web site. Let me know

[cheekysod]

artist ruth,
this is my first time "talking" to you, but i have read many of your wonderful, supportive posts. and then to come to this thread and read what has been happening in your life, you are amazing.
i lost my uncle this year to cancer also, not good. it was awful and to see my dad losing his only brother was awful as well. my heart goes out to you, even through all of that, you remain a positive helpful person on this forum, and some of your quotes are really cool.
so thank you so much, you make a difference in a lot of peoples lives, and i think you deserve good things to come your way.
i am grateful you are on this forum, you have a lot of wisdom.
keep those cool quotes coming,
thanks

[Freedom4me]

Ruth,
Good luck and God speed. You are wonderful, truley you are!!

[TTTDogs]

My Dear Ruth,

Wanted to post here to thank you for you words - I too look forward to your posts - I just visited this thread the other day to learn more about you - your story is so inspiring!

I lost both my parents - 2 years apart - from cancer - breast for mom - prostate for dad - that was back in 93 - my mom went first - then my dad - you know when I lost my last parent I lost a titled place in this world - for I was no longer - "somebody's daughter" I really felt alone - I have 4 siblings and we are close - but I felt such a void - kind of numb - and in the past 4 years my husband has lost both parents - mother and father - they were 89 and 97 respectively - so he thought he would be prepared - but he was not -

Nothing prepares us to lose someone we love - all we can do is honor their memory by recalling all the good times - forgiving them for the bad times - and living a life they would be proud of -

Well you - my friend - are making them proud - I hope they are reading the posts on this forum - and seeing how much your words - your wisdom - your advice is helping to save lives - I do not say that lightly - Ruth - - YOU were truly responsible for me making it through my toughest moments - and I see you doing it for so many others as well -

You may have "wasted" much time using and abusing - but you are making up for times a hundred - you will have a very special place in heaven - and I know your parents are watching over you - kind of a guaranteed angel plan of sorts.........

Time will heal all - and you spend that time healing ALL of us!

Thank You - my friend!

HUGS TTT

[TTTDogs]

Ruth,

Thanks for your last post - as always you are SPOT ON - and you will never know my level of admiration for you - your courage - your wisdom - your knowledge - and your big heart!

As always - when I read a RUTH post - I usually get busy researching your recommendations - and I SO appreciate your suggestions - actually I have a drawer full of ARTIST supplies - watercolor stuff and have probably had it in there for 5+ years - sounds like a good time to "test my talents" ............ now that might be a scary thing - I am probably safe with abstract art - do you think?

But the reason I posted on your thread has to do with the NA meetings ......

I have read quite bit about the process - and I have a genuine concern - and I feel safe talking with you about it ............ Step 3 .......... Ruth - I am a spiritual person .... but not a religious one - and there are VERY REAL reasons for this ........ which I do not feel comfortable sharing here on this forum-

I would NEVER judge anyone for their beliefs or lack of - as I have so many friends who find incredible comfort in there religion - it is just my past experiences bring up incredibly uncomfortable feelings .............. that has been the case since I was 13... not proud of it - made a few attempts to put it behind me - to no avail..........

I just want my experience at the NA or AA meeting to be a good healthy one - I would want to jump in with both feet - I do not want to set myself up for failure - something I really do not need right now ............
so my dear friend - I look to you for more pearls of wisdom (I know by now I have probably exceeded my allocation of Ruthism's - that being Ruth Wisdom)......
How deeply rooted in religion is NA / AA - what are your thoughts?

HUGS TTT

[ARTIST658]

Hi sweetie!!!

I wrote one of my lonnng notes to respond here (at 6am), then my computer froze up and it was g-o-n-e! I didn't have the oomph to write again right then - but am back to do the best I can. Life here gets hectic as the day goes on, so I usually do my online 'stuff' in the wee hours of the morning. But I did want to get back to you about this question, as, to be honest, I'm rather honored that you'd ask me.

First off - bravo on the watercolor idea!!! Yes!!! Funny thing is - watercolor is MY favorite painting medium, too! Abstract sounds like the best place to go right now - heck, throw on a lot of hot colors like reds and oranges... and express that anger creatively! You may be surprised what comes of it...

OK... back to the God topic... lol. Have no fear - NA and AA are spiritual programs, not religious. You are not expected to believe anything you aren't comfortable with. There's no set doctrine at all. Let me try to explain, best I can. The basic idea behind the 12 steps is (in step 1) admit and accept our own personal powerlessness over our addiction - and then (step 2) coming to believe that there is a power (i.e., 'something') outside of ourselves that can help to restore us to sanity. In the wording of the 3rd step, the original members were wise to word it in a way that was completely open to anyone's interpretation. Step 3 reads: "(We) made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him."

That was intentional - you can perceive of your higher power (or God) in any way you choose that sits well with you. No matter what you hear from others in meetings about their beliefs, you can believe whatever you choose. Some folks get rather passionate about how their faith has grown in recovery, when it used to be next to nil - so you will hear "God" mentioned fairly often. But that need not concern you.

The idea, in my humble opinion, is simply to pull us to reach OUTSIDE ourselves to get help for our addiction, and the resulting insanity we created. As addicts, many of us get totally wrapped up in ourselves and our problems, and get believing that we should be able to knock this addiction problem ourselves, without help! Most of us resist asking for help - and keep trying to do it alone, without help - and we fail, again and again. That's just the nature of the disease - which is far more complex and powerful than we could know. So - by turning your problems over to a higher power, it's saying, "I can't - I need help."

I don't know if that helps. But if you have any other concerns about it, feel free to post them - I'm happy to discuss it. As if you hadn't noticed, I'm pretty enthusiastic about recovery, and it's one of my favorite topics to discuss... lol.

I am so eager for you to get to some meetings - and let us know here what your thoughts are. Don't get discouraged with just one or two meetings, each meeting is a bit different, and you may find one suits you better than another. I admit - it is scary as hell for each of us to step into a meeting for the first time - but afterwards, you will laugh at yourself for fearing it. You may just discover what many of us do - that we've found a new 'home' among people who truly understand us and what we've been through.

Hugs,
Ruth

PS... You're no where near your Ruthism quota... I have plenty more... hehe