[vduda]

Sadly, this forum for me has become a burden, a weight to heavy to carry. There are a group of you who have attacked me over and over. The purpose of this forum is to provide general support and advice in a constructive manner. I look at each person as an individual and try to be positive and supportive. As I pointed out, there is a group of you who have taken it upon yourselves to crucify me every opportunity you get. This forum use to be a place where you could share your struggles and be honest and people would share their experiences in a constructive way. Greendog, YM, Northerngirl you guys have decided to make me your wiping post...scapegoat or whatever you want to call it. I open myself up and you insensitive people try to tear me apart like a pack of hungry lions. I have been told that I take things out of context by Greendog...when all I did was respond exactly to what she wrote. I am not a mind reader...if you say something then qualify it. Of course, YM feels I am an "asshole" because of past and present disagreements. I disagreed with her about letting someone hit "rock bottom" because that could mean death. Northerngirl wrote an open letter to me slamming me about suboxone. She totally took me out of context. If you have read my replies then you would understand my position. Then yesterday after sharing something very personal she instead of being encouraging just pushed me down the hole even further. What do guys get from these attacks somekind of sadistic satisfaction. And I read your story northerngirl and I am sorry that you have suffered so much, but you don't have to take it out on me.

I use to feel I could come here to relate with others who struggle with addiction. These 3 people are not the only negative voices on this forum. But they have decided to target me because maybe I am to honest about my struggles. I do not always paint a pretty picture about my life. Dress it up all nice in pretty colors and laces. Even my addiction has been questioned. Either I am too much of an addict or not enough of one.

And because I share my faith and what has kept me off opiates for 7 months (sorry northerngirl if I am proud of that fact) I am freakin burned at the stack. I have had encouragement from many others and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. At this point, I have become very depressed and hurt by many of the people on this forum. There is so much anger and devisiveness that it has lost it's purpose. To my fellow comrades in this struggle with addiction I pray for all the best for all of you. I pray that God will bless all of you and free you from your pain. And to those who have been hurt by a loved one who is addicted I also pray for you that God will give you the strength to make it through the dark times.

If there is anyone out there who can give me some encouragement I am in need. I don't want to relapse, but I know myself and how depression effects me. If you are a person of faith please pray for me. All I can say is that I am hurting right now. I have come so far that I do not want to go back to hell. My God, girlfriend, family and friends give me support, but sometimes the adddict inside that hides rages. Maybe may girlfriend is right about the negative people on this forum that they are just pissed off at the world and want to make others hurt because they hurt. She tells me to ignore them. Maybe that is the answer. I will store my treasures in heaven. In reflecting I know I have screwed up a lot in my life, but I have also done much good. And I want to continue bettering myself as a child of God. All I ask of you who do not like me for one reason or other to just leave me alone so I can talk to the people who understand where I am coming from. Don't bring me down and I won't say a word to any of the aforementioned 3 people. Again, just leave me alone and find someone else to pick on. God Bless

[greendog21]

vduda:
first of all you have done a great job of staying clean for now 7 months, don't give up and PLEASE don't go back to using!!! You have come to far to give up and go back to using. I am sorry to hear that you have family members with cancer, that is awful and I truley belive that nobody deserves to go through that!!!! I lost a family member very who I was very close to because of cancer and was by his bed holding his hand when he passed. A day I will hold near and dear for the rest of my life and to know that I was honored to be by his side holding his hand trusting me for comfort as he made his way to him new home with god. As the posters was asking (don't remember her name) just wanted to know why you would have drugs in the house if you are being attempted to use it. That is like being addicted to candy when you are a diabetic and keeping it in the house, it just doesn't mix well and why would you want the temptation when you have come so far to go back down that road. Why are you in such depression over words from others?? You are a strong man and shouldn't let that bother you, hopefully you don't sit and ponder over words all day long???? Also, not everyone in this world is going to agree with one another, just not going to happen. When other disagree with what you say they are simply stating what they believe, it wasn't to try and bring you down or make you feel even more depressed that is not why they are here. You take it way to personal!!!!!!!
Yes we all are going through honestly really bad ******************** right now, no we don't hate the world and we are not going to go and kick our dog- which is a stupid thing to say- and we are not here to bring anybody down or make them feel anyless of a human being. It seems that you are the one looking for a fight and wanting the attention. I simply came back to talk with someone who was going through what I am and you are the one who stuck your nose in it I didn't send an invitation for you to jump in.
Honestly, your entry has me worried. Are you just calling out because you feel that all the attention should be on you and to hell with the rest who are having problems??????
Again, I do resent that you said that I am mad at the world and blah blah blah, if anything I trying to make my new spot with the world. I am not mad at anybody else, just my husband and that is it plain and simple.... I am feeling more at peace with everything else in my life. I have family and friend and my kids and my career is starting to really take off- so really what do I have to be mad at the rest of the world for, again just my husband who doesnt have his head on straight and it is up to him when he decides enough is enough- if that never happens then it looks like I am going to survive and make just fine, I have been doing it for now 6 days- I am far from being where I want to in my marriage don't get me wrong there but I am not putting my life on hold anymore after 4 years of my husbands addiction.
SO get mad get off the forum and get depressed, what life would that be??? Don't let others bring you down I just can't believe that you would post a posting like what you just said. Come on now look at your family member with cancer if they could they would like to kick it like a bad addiction, but they can't just like you can and did. Why would you want to be depressed????? If anybody should be I should, but I refuse to live my life like that. I refuse!!!!
I have to much to live for and I have two little people who look up to me right now and I am not going to let them down in anyway shape or form. You have a child why do that to her?????? Honestly, if you want to stop this forum then go ahead and do so if you think that is going to make everything more smoothly in you life but some people on here look up to you for their support. Just watch what you say to others- easy!!!!
You have come a long way why go back, you have a person out there that still looks up to you so keep giving her a reason to do so and get rid of all the uncessary things in your house. If you are that fragile to let other words put you in a state that you are claiming then maybe you shouldln't be on here giving others support. Keep on keeping on- I have a life that I have to get back to and make better and I have a new apartment that I am getting ready to go purchase to start over in for now and going to pack up my old life at my old house and start over- so maybe you should do the same!!!!!!

[glitch]

I Think there is a whole lot of unnessary slander on this forum. '
First off it is supposed to be here to help people and not bash. So what someone gets there feeling hurt or takes something out of context. just let it go and move on .
This forum has been a great help to me,I don't post a lot but I have read every post and thread started on this site.And VDUDA keep the faith and keep on helping people the way you do.

THIS IS JUST MY OPINION

GLITCH

AND GOD BLESS

[ymccormack]

vduda,

Some of your posts really irritate me...for about 10 seconds. There is way better stuff to worry about than this forum. It's informative entertainment - that's all.

I regret using profanity....but jeez. Relax. You keep flying off the handle at people...I hope this is some whacky online persona you've created and you are not walking around this angry all the time in real life.

You have a ton of life experience to share with people....and you could be really helpful. But telling us about how your a triple x belt in karate 50 times and describing in detail how almost injected yourself with morphine...then getting enraged when someone points out a person in recovery probably shouldn't have access to unlimited morphine and syringes...

Maybe the high level of emotions you are showing is the rebound of being on pain killers for so long. I don't know. But honestly, relax....this is nothing to relapse over.

YM

[Pain Hater]

You have provided a great service to all of the people who have came for help on this forum. It is important not to look at the bad, but to look at the good. Somone on this forum has taken your advice and applied it to their own life. and that is all that matters. No matter where you go, whether it be work, the school, or even walking down the street people are going to judge you. I feel that it takes an addict to provide the best advice on addiction and the feelings accociated with it, and it sounds like you have definitely been down that road. Don't let people bringing you down get to you. You seem like a great person who has a lot to offer, and I hate seeing little things like this get to you. And to those criticizing vduda, what are you thinking? He is not giving invalid advice. He is going above and beyond, taking time out of his daily life to come to this forum and help someone in need, meanwhile you are looking for any little thing to criticize him.

[vduda]

Pain Hater,

I appreciate your kind words. Some people have mentioned that I am looking for attention. That I only think of myself and this could not be further from the truth. Again, thank for your encouragement and by the way I have not used and don't plan to go back to that life, if you can call that living. I would be a liar if I said I haven't been tempted lately, but God gives me strength. And YM I am not an angry person, but I am sensitive and words can be very hurtful. I don't wish to bring anyone down and my goal is to help others with addiction. Perhaps, I repeated somethings a few times because I am talking to different people, but again I don't know why you criticize me so much. Like I said, I offer a hand of peace and would like to put all the negative things behind. If you knew me I believe you would have a different opinion of me. You feel I come off as an "asshole", but I am just trying to make it through this difficult time in my life. Again, thanks pain hater and glitch for the positive feedback and I will stay strong. It is a good thing that I have people around me who love me and that help me when I am down. If I offended anyone I am sorry, but like I said my intention is to help others who suffer with addiction. And unfortunately, I know a thing or two about addiction. In short, I believe I have been honest and open about my struggles and have made it clear that I judge no one. If I help one person I believe it has been worth the criticism I have received.

Words are powerful and can make the difference between going forward or backward. Again, I thank all of you who have been there for me in my time of need. There is just a lot on my plate right now and I am learning to deal with stressful situations without running to opiates as a crutch. Seven months clean and I am looking forward to hopefully being clean the rest of my life. God only knows...and I pray for him to give me the strength. God Bless.

[inhalexhale]

Obviously, I feel some connection to you. You are an amazing person in the terrible sense that you understand what most people can't even comprehend.. no matter how blatant.
Because you are an intelligent and creative person, you're socially... doomed... (Haha). The world wasn't built to hold intelligence and creativity has no place in the economy (aside from marketing of course).

Ugh. I'm rambling or ranting (hard to think right now).. Just mean that the people in this forum that piss you off are just one of many people who will continue to piss you off throughout your life. However, there are also people on this forum and otherwise who are genuine.


I piss nearly everyone off on this forum... Sorry dudes. I'm a little negative.

[inhalexhale]

Got one more thing to add...
"Looking for attention"???! If you weren't seeking advice or relation or support, why would you be on this forum? I mean, is there something wrong with trying to catch someone's "attention" when you have a thought that is legitimatly bothering you?

That's... insane.

[vduda]

Carrie,

You are so cool. I love your outright rawness. After I emailed you I gave a lot of thought to what I said. It is people like you who give me hope in this world of lost souls. Your honesty is so refreshing. You use so little words, but they strike bone and marrow. I am not going to let the people who don't understand me chase me away from people I can connect with. And I guess it's alright to get pissed at times. However, right now I am finding my center...my peace. I thank God for people like you. For there is no guile in you! You are genuine. Your beautiful sister. God Bless.

[inhalexhale]

It often kills me that I'm such a misanthropist at times.. My negativity is something that I've hated in myself for a long time. Obviously I'm really struggling with my head right now (in the sense that drugs will always be the minority's taste of normalcy).

I wish that creative and intelligent people weren't so forced to believe that they're alone in the world. Anyone who has the compacity to understand that everything around them is wrong... has to feel powerless and alone.


I feel intensely empty when I'm sober (I'm mostly there right now). I have emotional attacks because of it.
Actually wrote this a few hours ago: Were I ever unable to see the genuine creativity and intelligence that permeates beyond the sounds of so many empty minds... I would have no desire to be alive.

Haha.. WORD yo.

[vduda]

I feel you Carrie, but not is all so bleak. Fortunately, I have seen the world and there are many beautiful manifestations on this green blue little marble we live on. As you know God is something I turn to for strength and he has revealed beauty in the smallest of things. When I am able to express myself artistically it brings me great joy. You have a great gift of expressing yourself in words...use that and change the world around you.
I feel lonely much of the time, misunderstood, judged, but that is part of being an individual in this ready made plastic pop culture that we live in. But like I said I have been around the world and it is not like this everywhere. There are real genuine people out there who are people like us that we can connect with if we seek it them out. Surfing for me is like prayer. I feel such an amazing peace when I am out in the ocean. Salt water on my skin and the sun kissing my cheeks. Walking on waves, blanketed in in blue and green silk water. Playing my guitar, writig poetry, making love to my girlfriend. The laughter of my daughter, pure and without guile. There are so many things to be thankful for and I have faith that you will eat of the tree of happiness. God loves and I love you in God...for God is Love. God Bless girl.

VJ

[lyds]

Originally Posted by ymccormack

It's informative entertainment - that's all. YM

It is informative entertainment for you. Not everyone views this forum in the same manner. Some people hold on to it as a lifeline. Some people have used this forum to remain clean. I wouldn't call that entertainment. I think it is very careless for you to say that. But then again, I may totally be minunderstanding your point.

[vduda]

Lyd,

I agree with you that these types of forums are important to many people in recovery. It is not entertainment. Rather, it is therapeutic and I think you feel the same. Thanks for your input. And as always I am here to help in any way I can. It is the least I can do since God gave me a way out of my hell. At your service. God Bless

VJ