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What not to do after 17 days clean!
  1. #1
    NoMoreOxy is offline Senior Member
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    Default What not to do after 17 days clean!

    Hello all.

    Below is an example of what not to do.

    I had 17 days under my belt clean. Felt 100% back to normal from a 60-90mg per day oxy habit that lasted 8-9 months. Then, the rug was pulled out from under me. I had one of the most stressful experiences of my life (related to buying a house - I won't get into details). I became so angry, so often I literally saw my BP jump 20 points. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate at work. Finally, one night I mentioned to my wife, I wish I just had some pills to take all this stress away. Well, needless to say, that put the thought in my head and the next day I called a very old source and he had some "product" available. I then proceeded to start to use again for the better part of 5 days. Right back to the old dose and all. The entire time I was thinking, "I'll just use for a few days so I won't have any WD." Well, after 5 days, I stopped again and bam! at 12 hours I felt terrible. The old WD was kicking right back in and hard like a ton of bricks. I really didn't expect this. I was shocked. At the same time I committed to going out of town for the weekend and ended up in WD for the entire time away. This was a terrible experience. I felt awful.

    Anyway, this really was a wake-up call for me. I think this is where NA or counseling or something comes into play as there must be a way to live this life (stress and all) without compensating with these stupid pills. I bought the Big Book today and plan to start reading it tonight.

    Finally, I'm now on day 4 and feel just about back to normal. Thanks goodness.

    I just wanted to share my story to potentially help someone else considering jumping off the wagon. Don't do it. You are putting yourself through hell all over again!

    Thanks for listening.

    Lesson learned (for today).

    God bless!

    NMO

  2. #2
    Comeback Kid is offline Member
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    I hope you did learn your lesson. You're going to have to take life as it comes, and deal with the ups and downs. You will take pride in the things you accomplish without needing a pill. The rewards weren't even showing themselves at 17 days. So it's not like you really quit, you were just "out" for a while. Get back on track and get yourself clean. Good luck

    edit: and apparently you DO have another day 1 in you. But do you think you can do it again, and again and again....you get my drift.
    Quotes that keep me going:

    "Do you have another day 1 in you?"
    "If not now, when?"
    “When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”

    Clean as of 02.03.2012

  3. #3
    NoMoreOxy is offline Senior Member
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    I really don't think I have another day 1 in me. It just feels way to bad to go through that. Also, the second I used my DOC, I didn't really like the feeling all that much. I didn't like being numb. Since I quite this last time, I've loved my morning walks. It's my time alone to clear my head. Then, when I started using, I immidiately noticed I couldn't "feel" the way I did the day before. The crazy thing about addiction is, I still wanted to use. Even though I didn't really like the feeling of not feeling.

    I see your clean date is 2/3/12. Congratulations on such a great accomplishment. Have you leveraged NA/AA or Counseling to assist in your recovery?

    Thanks for replying.

    NMO

  4. #4
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    NOMORE....Been there done that... plenty of times. I can tell you that each time the WD gets worse. I also agree that is where "Insert support group here" comes in... In the big scheme of things, getting clean is the easy part.... Staying clean is the challenge. The support group gives you both the tools/skills and the people to guide you through rough waters when they come up... One of the biggest regrets I have is not going to one. I bet I could have shaved a decade or so of the length of time I used... All my best, Reid
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  5. #5
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    Im sorry for the bump in the road . Its mostly part of the process. Not many of us are smart enough to get it the first time. I am on my third try 107 days now without hydrocodone. Learn from the relapse and make sure it doesnt happen again. Try to figure out what the thought process was that told you it was ok to use again. Then make sure that you dont let your brain trick you on the same one again. Its all you can do for now. Im glad your back on track and saveing your life.
    Comeback Kid and NoMoreOxy like this.

  6. #6
    Freedom4me is offline Advanced Member
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    No More,
    Glad you got that lesson my friend. I could come up with a thousand excuses and stresses to use for just a few days. You know I say that out of caring and concern and not judging. Lesson learned and move on!
    NoMoreOxy likes this.

  7. #7
    deleted116 is offline Member
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    NoMore, sorry about your slip, but happy that you didn't let it last too long and that you are right back here again. I agree with Comeback....17 days is awesome, but it's also not nearly long enough to see the rewards of quitting. It really is just a break from using at that point.

    At 17 days I was actually feeling my worst, for whatever reason. Probably because the mental had kicked in for me. Give yourself the chance to get further, and see what life is like. I'm on Day 70 today....I remember when I was around Day 21 or 22 or so I read someone write that Day 30-60 feels completely different than Day 1-30. It really motivated me because I wanted to see what that difference was. And they were so right. It's like entering into a different phase. And now at Day 70, I feel different than I even did at Day 50 or so. No, it doesn't take all the stress or boredom out of anyone's lives....and it won't make our lives perfect. But it does make them better. I was a scrambling addict going broke before, and now I'm not. Last week was school vacation and I had the busiest week that I REALLY enjoyed. If you would have told me 71 days ago that I could have had that kind of week without pills, I would have thought you were crazy.

    No matter how close to "normal" you start to feel, remember that at 17 days you really were still in WD. In reality, at 70 days I guess I'm still in WD. Obviously not physically, but I'm still re-learning to live my life, warts and all, without pills. And that really isn't "normal", you know?

    Congrats on being on Day 5 today, that is awesome. Like I said, you made a great decision to stop again after just 5 days, instead of letting it drag on for months like I did last time.

    You can do this!
    NoMoreOxy and Comeback Kid like this.

  8. #8
    char1204 is offline Junior Member
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    NoMore, I was looking for you last night! Ironicly, I missed you by only a few hours. I hadn't been on here since the same day you were last on here. I'm happy to hear that you are back on the wagon. Believe what everyone is telling you. Day 17 is NOT out of the woods. In my opinion, us addicts, never are out of the woods. We always have to keep ourselves in check every minute of every day. At Day 33, I'm still struggling with the craving and at times want to make a call. Then, I remind myself, 'I'm clean today!' That in itself, makes me want to be clean tomorrow.
    The positive is that you did stop again, and are now on Day 5. Two months before I stopped for good, I ran out of my script 2 weeks early both months, so I went through the WD's 3 separate times. It took going through those horrible days just for me to realize, I don't want this life anymore. You hit the nail on the head when you said you didn't like feeling 'numb' anymore. Use that to your advantage and remind yourself that feeling something is better then not feeling anything at all. I found that music was a great comfort to me whenever I was feeling down. I would turn up the radio so loud and scream the words of a meaningful song just to vent the 'itching' out of me! (Weird, I know, but worked! )
    I'm still going to keep up with you as if we were still on the same week together! I know how much it meant to me when you let me know that you were only a day or two behind me. Knowing someone was right there with me was a great comfort. So, I'm right here for you!!
    Don't defeat yourself before you start. Everyone makes mistakes, and we've all been there. You know it gets better, remember that it does. Fight like hell for your life because it's worth it and so are you!
    If I have to, I will write out all the lyrics to 'Don't Stop Believing' by Journey for you!! LOL!!
    Stay strong, you can do this! Check in with you later!!
    NoMoreOxy likes this.

  9. #9
    NoMoreOxy is offline Senior Member
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    Thanks everyone for the encouragement and support. This forum is really invaluable. I'm coming up on day 6 and feeling good. I know it's early, but the physical WD is pretty much gone. Now for the mental part (as you all have mentioned). I have no desire to ever feel the way I did on Satuday again. The WDs this time were shorter, but just as intense. No thank you.

    Thanks again. I'll check back in on day 6. Love feeling what I'm feeling again. 5 days of numb was enough.

    NMO
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  10. #10
    char1204 is offline Junior Member
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    NoMore, How are you feeling today? I hope you are feeling as optimistic as you sounded last night! You should be! You've got a lot to look forward to, good things.
    Just remember to stay strong and positive and the rest will fall into place.
    Check in with you later, k!

    char1204

  11. #11
    BrklynKid is offline Member
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    NMO,

    As someone once told me on March 4th when I had my FINAL Relapse. Dust yourself off and get back on the horse. Since then I haven't used an Oxy in 52 Days and been off Suboxone for 43 Days. You can do this bro but you have to be REAL with yourself each day that you will not use no matter WHAT your brain is telling you. I own a Business and I know exactly what you mean about Daily Life Struggles but they won't get any easier until you have a Clear Head to push through. Make this your FINAL Relapse.

    You got this if you want it!

    Tommy

  12. #12
    NoMoreOxy is offline Senior Member
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    Thanks Char and Tommy.

    Today is day 7 and I'm only feeling about 90%. I'm still shocked it has taken me this long to get back to normal. Last night I started experiencing mild RLS. I took some potassium and went to bed at 9pm. Got 8 hours of sleep (unassisted) and now I feel better.

    This experience has been a major wake-up call. Was it worth this entire week of feeling bad then so so to feel oxy for 5 days? Answer: NO!

    Feeling good to be feeling again!

    NMO
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  13. #13
    mottam is offline Advanced Member
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    NMO:
    Be thankful that you actually made it back into recovery. Unfortunately, relapse is part of my story. However, going and doing some more "research" has strengthened my resolve to work my program more serious. I needed the support of a 12-step fellowship to help me when these critical times of decision came up. W/O my sponsor and network, I would have been in trouble. Now, I have a VERY strong support group and substantial clean time under my belt. I remain, however, very humble, thankful, and understand that I am always one bad decision away from jail or death.
    MANY people I see come into the rooms go back out for "just one more", because they believe they can handle it. Been to too many funerals because of that thinking. No drama, no exaggeration - simply fact.

    I will not give you any opinions - just share my experiences. I could not do this alone. When I changed my behaviors and thinking, I changed my life. We do not need to be a slave to a pill every again. Surrender is key.

    Best of luck.

    Kindest Regards
    mottam
    NoMoreOxy likes this.
    Persistency is consistency

  14. #14
    NoMoreOxy is offline Senior Member
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    Thanks Mottam.

    Great comments. I definitely need to get into some sort of program for long term sobriety.

    I'm on day 9 today. Feeling physically back to 100%. No cravings yet. But, temptation always seems to creep back in around the 14 day mark.

    Thanks again everyone for the support!

    NMO

  15. #15
    Ggeo is offline Member
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    Nmo I just posted on your other thread wondering where you were and then saw this one. Glad you are back on track.

    For me to quit I had to truly cut off all access completely. I relapsed more times than I can remember even when having 2 or 3 months clean time thinking I could use occasionally. I'm over 4 months clean from everything now and fighting with PAWS but I have no way to get pills so I just have to forge on.

    It's worth it. Good luck!
    Comeback Kid likes this.

  16. #16
    Comeback Kid is offline Member
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    i remember you from my first time Ggeo Here I am again, 3 months strong this time and feeling great. Sorry to hear about your PAWS. Keep on fighting the good fight!
    Ggeo likes this.
    Quotes that keep me going:

    "Do you have another day 1 in you?"
    "If not now, when?"
    “When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”

    Clean as of 02.03.2012

  17. #17
    Ggeo is offline Member
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    Hi CK! Thanks for saying Hello. So we are both back around the same time, same situation huh? I see a few other familiar 'faces' here that backslid a bit as well. Also very happy to still see so many of the regular hardcore clean folks (Marion, Reid, Robert, Cheeky, and more) still here helping folks out. Over Four months under my belt this time, the longest time so far. It has to stick this time. It just has to!
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  18. #18
    Comeback Kid is offline Member
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    Well done Ggeo! 4 months is awesome.
    Ggeo likes this.
    Quotes that keep me going:

    "Do you have another day 1 in you?"
    "If not now, when?"
    “When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.”

    Clean as of 02.03.2012

  19. #19
    NoMoreOxy is offline Senior Member
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    Day 11! Still no pills. No cravings yet either. Work is very busy as is working on the new home. Busy is definitely good from an addict perspective.

    NMO
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  20. #20
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    NMO... Glad to hear you are doing better at day 11... Now is the time to start switching your focus to what needs to be done to STAY Clean. I said in an earlier post you should consider a support group.. NOW IS time NMO, Staying clean is doing what needs to be done to stay clean. All my best, Reid
    surfdog and ARTIST658 like this.

  21. #21
    BrklynKid is offline Member
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    NMO

    Nice work!!!! Remember you were here before and keep saying that everyday! Remember what happened on Day 17 and stay clear of it. You are doing what kept me going the first month is KEEPING BUSY! If I didn't I would have fell into my Head and most likely used again! I still have my Days now so mentally as time goes on you have to be Tougher and Tougher. Everyone is tough enough for the Physical, it's the Mental that really shows you how tough you are! You got this, no more Day 1's for you!!

    Tommy
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  22. #22
    char1204 is offline Junior Member
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    NMO:
    You are doing awesome my friend! I'm happy that you are keeping busy because, as others have said, it helps tremendously! Day 12 is just around the corner and keep telling yourself that you are worth it!
    If you are still considering a long-term program, I would recommend N/A meetings. They can give you the tools and skills you'll need to help you rebulild your life and live the 'clean life' successfully. Maybe I should take my own advice and do it myself! We all have to choose a path to live and no one can force you into anything you are not ready for. However, we should heed the warnings of those who have been there and listen with an open mind to what they are saying!
    I'm glad you're doing so well, hope all goes well with your new house!
    TTYS
    char1204

  23. #23
    NoMoreOxy is offline Senior Member
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    Day 12.

    Thank you everyone for all the support. I'm definitely back 100% physically. I'm sleeping 7-8 hours unassisted. I take ZERO pills of anykind right now, I'm eating healthy, and walking daily. Very happy to be through that. Whenever I start to think about using, which is rare, I just remember how I felt 12 days ago. When I think of this, I feel repulsed. I literally almost gag. I like what real life feels like. I want to continue to feel "real".

    Message received about the N/A meetings etc. I will got to one today or tomorrow. Schedule is busy, but I can definitely find an extra hour to keep from using again.

    Thanks again all for the support !

    NMO

  24. #24
    NoMoreOxy is offline Senior Member
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    Day 14.

    That's two weeks. Had a really tough time last night. The cravings really kicked in. I started looking around the house to find that "one extra pill" I may have misplaced. Luckily my wife talked me down. The craving was so strong it manifested itself in my physically. My heart was pounding so hard. My brain was screaming for pills. This is tougher than I thought it would be. Physical is done, but man the mental, at least last night, was brutal.

    Anyway, I survived and I'm still pill free! Feeling better after a good nights sleep.

    Thanks again for all the support!

    NMO

  25. #25
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Ahhh, The good Old Days! I cannot tell you how many "treasure hunts" I went on, only to come up empty... Glad you made it throught my friend.. OVer time, those will get less. Keep on going, I am proud of you ..Reid

  26. #26
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by NoMoreOxy View Post
    Day 14.

    That's two weeks. Had a really tough time last night. The cravings really kicked in. I started looking around the house to find that "one extra pill" I may have misplaced. Luckily my wife talked me down. The craving was so strong it manifested itself in my physically. My heart was pounding so hard. My brain was screaming for pills. This is tougher than I thought it would be. Physical is done, but man the mental, at least last night, was brutal.

    Anyway, I survived and I'm still pill free! Feeling better after a good nights sleep.

    Thanks again for all the support!

    NMO
    NMO, glad to see you are doing better. Find a meeting and go! Used to say I don't have time, too busy, too tired, but I was never "too anything" to get hammered.
    When those cravings hit that is when a meeting /sponsor is vitally important, to verbalize that to some one,not your wife, it loses it's power. Your wife is a great support I am sure but wifes do not make good sponsors they are too close and subjective, they love us too much at times.
    For me quitting was no problem I am sure I quit at least 10000 times it was the staying quit that was the problem. Caught Again has given excellent suggestions to you, we don't just have to leave the chemical alone, we have to change our lifestyle. When emotion, thoughts and desires have been masked for so long with chemicals it can be scary to start to feel again but worth it.
    As long as I have been sober, this March was planning another trip to Wy and Montana,everything was going great, raking the yard, and got to thinking "damn be out there, sure would be nice to have a drink" I have never drank/used "one" of anything, that is a waste of time and effort. Called my sponsor told him what was going on, and heard assured me it was an echo I was hearing because I had my head so far up my ass
    The point is left alone with these kinda thoughts and they grow and take over our thinking completely, as a friend of mine put it once" my mind is like a bad neighborhood, I don't need to go in there alone"
    This gets better, it just takes time, practice and following directions. Try to remember the people in meetings are not telling you what to do, they are passing on what has worked for them.
    I know I have one more time to go back out there, but, I don't know if I would get another chance to get clean. Ask some of the old timers and they will tell you they aren't that afraid of dying, but are terrified of having to live drunk/stoned again. Glad to see you back and doing well God Bless Surfdog
    caughtagain likes this.

  27. #27
    deleted116 is offline Member
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    Congrats on 2 weeks! Right where you are is when the worst of the mental kicked in for me. Glad to see you made it through that craving. Now you know you can get through it and actually feel good afterwards. Those feelings will start to fade!!

  28. #28
    mottam is offline Advanced Member
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    surfdog really hit the nail on the head. Read your last two posts. Day 12 --> feeling great, going to try to get to a meeting; "schedule is busy". Day 14 --> you are going out of your mind - looking for a pill. What would have happened if you found one? Probably back to day one - if you’re lucky.

    People in the meetings/fellowship offer you their experience, strength, and hope. Anyone giving you an opinion is not living life the NA way; not working the program. Avoid opinions. Again, like surfdog stated - people in the meetings can help you w/ situations like you found yourself in. I'll keep it on me - I have torn through my closet, looking for a dropped or hidden pill. That was the past.
    Through the fellowship, I have developed a fantastic relationship with my sponsor. My sponsor has working knowledge of the 12 steps. As important - I have a network of men I can call 24 - 7 - 365 if I start thinking about using again. I am allowed to have those thoughts. I just simply cannot act on them. Using is ALWAYS an option, but a lethal one for me.

    My experience tells me that an addict requires some kind of support group to recover, not just stay clean. I have some quality clean time - I treat every day like it is day 1. Have to. Have to stay humble. Have to surrender every day. Must understand that my will is dangerous. Please understand that I just want to see you, and every other person suffering from addiction, to recover and obtain the happiness we all seek. Chase your recovery like you chased your DOC, and you will find that happiness.

    Best of luck. Know that you are on a special journey, and you are never alone.

    Kindest Regards.
    mottam
    Persistency is consistency

  29. #29
    Freedom4me is offline Advanced Member
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    So proud of you Tom...my heart is bursting!!! You are amazing, how far you have come.

  30. #30
    NoMoreOxy is offline Senior Member
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    Thanks everyone.

    Well, I'm on Day 15. Still hanging in there. Regarding NA meetings: here is my apprehension. I'm not an alcoholic and I do enjoy a glass or two of wine on occasion. Usually when I'm cheating on my vegan diet and eating a steak. I'm not super excited about giving that up. I do not over drink. I drink a maximum of two glasses about twice a month. With NA, I'm afraid I'm going to get a lecture about how I can't ever drink again and my life will need to be a constant struggle to stay sober, etc. I don't want to live a constant struggle (although, during my last post I was definitely struggling). There has got to be a way that I can live a life being able to have a couple glasses of wine every now and then, while avoiding pills. I don't crave wine! I crave pills!

    Does anyone have any answers here?

    Thanks again for all these great replies. I can't tell you how much I appreciate them!

    NMO

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