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What to do..husband addicted to Meth
  1. #1
    Hurting Wife is offline Junior Member
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    Default What to do..husband addicted to Meth

    Hi,

    I have been married for over 12 years and we have a 11 yr old daughter. My husband and I have been going to a marriage therapist to try and save our marriage. Last week my husband admitted using drugs (I knew he was using but he kept saying he was not). The shocker is not that he was using drugs but he said he had being using drugs off and on for the past 20 years.

    I feel like my entire marriage has been a lie. I have been told by the therapist that my marriage cannot be saved until my husband gets help for his drug addiction. My husband said he is not ready to quit as he need to get financially stable before he can move on. He lies about going to work, always depressed because we have no money but how can we have money if he's not working. We have separate accounts and he has not started stealing to pay for his drugs. He does have a porn addiction too. Masturbates and doesn't want sex with me.

    I have read stories and the comments regarding drug addictions and how the drug addict needs to hit rock bottom to realize they need help.

    I love my husband and I'm very scared to leave him as I want to help him and save our marriage. He says he loves me but then turns around and tells our daughter that I am the one that does not love him because I want him to leave. He and our daughter have a special bond that will be heart breaking for her if we leave him. He is self employed and works when he wants or should I say when he can function. I work full time and basically I am the one that pays for the food, ultilties and more than half the rent.

    I just don't know what to do? Should I stay and try to get him the help he needs? Should I kick him out of our home?

    Please I need an insight of what is going on in my husband mind?

    Thank you!

  2. #2
    yezdegerd is offline Senior Member
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    If you can help him get in to some type of treatment, I would highly suggest it. Even though he is a son of a b addicts are sick people and maybe he can get the help he needs. If he refuses treatment or says he's not ready, kick him out.

  3. #3
    ComingHome is offline Senior Member
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    This is sad, but unfortunately this is also a textbook example of an addict in a marriage. I was your husband at 1 time, and I also have a son that is an addict, so I have perspective from both sides. Your reaction, feeling like the marriage is a lie, is a normal reaction. The fact is there is NO excuse for him to not get in recovery and make an effort. Addicts will get excuse after excuse after excuse...etc as to why now is not the right time to quit. It's never the right time - it is just a stall tactic. The time is NOW or never. I myself went to outpatient therepy, which is usually partially covered under insurance, and I also attended 90 meetings in 90 days in my first 90 days. I did this all while continuing to work. In fact, since I was clean, I was much more productive at work. I still go to meetings, probably a few a week, for long term maintenance of sobriety.

    Just a heads up, he will probably have a very hard time understanding your perspective of feeling like your marriage is a lie as he has been living in denial and addiction for a very long time, and that has clouded his judgement and self honesty very much. But, if he gets in recovery and works a program, he will begin to understand it after some time. Accepting anything less than his full effort into recovery is the equivalent of enabling him. Bottom line, now that it is out on the table, there is no valid excuse for him to not get the help he needs, and he needs to want to do it for himself. Point out to him some of the behaviors that he exhibits in his addiction as he may not see them since he is very clouded in a haze of addiction and tell him that he needs to get help for himself and to save your marriage.

    Accept nothing less. You deserve nothing less. Just because he is throwing his life way with drugs doesn't mean you have to go for the ride to hell. So, either he quits, gets a program, and keeps working it, or you leave him until he does and can prove that he is working one for a period of several months.

    Good luck.

    CH
    There is ALWAYS hope

  4. #4
    AmIanAddict is offline Member
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    CH is right as much more harm than good will come to your daughter long term if he continues to use. In other words, the pain of you and your daughter leaving him unless he gets clean and gets a program is nothing compared to the long term consequences of her growing up with an addict as a father. Addicts do harm to their families on so many levels, and with kids, you often don't see how badly is screws them up until they are order. They learn to mimic him addict behavior, and they are much more likely to become addicts themselves. Look at his behavior with porn and the missing work issue, for example. I'm sure that's the tip of the iceberg. Even if he does show her love and she loves him, there is always behavioral issues long term. Kids learn by the example that the parents are putting forth, not the parent's words.

    This is not something you can do for him. He needs to make the effort, and he has to want to do it for himself and for your family.
    Last edited by AmIanAddict; 04-19-2011 at 07:34 PM.

  5. #5
    disabledleo is offline Member
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    Default Its not as simple as

    I will say this.... Its not as simple as "if you love me you'd just stop".... He needs to figure out for himself he needs help & you have been with him long enough to know what to use to wake him up so if you truly love him & want him back do whatever you need to & get him & all of you the much needed help. But if he doesn't want it it won't. I will give him some credit for going to therepist for you & his family. So maybe he's trying but is in too deep.
    You are in a bad situation so act now or get out. Its "YOUR" call but sounds like to me he's in too deep & its not him but the junk. I will also say you must be a very caring GOOD person so be proud of yourself... Try & find something to make you smile because you should be even being in hell with this you are the better person in this & I'm proud of you

  6. #6
    NoMoreOxy is offline Senior Member
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    Do you have any idea how often he is using Meth? Porn and Meth/cocaine can go hand in hand as many people feel sexually charged while high. The irony here is both of these drugs also cause impotence while in the system.

    Good luck to you in whatever decision you make.

  7. #7
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    Hurting....
    Just want to assure you NoMore.. Is on target there. Meth is most likely the cause of the sex prob's and porn.
    Meth is really hard to kick!!! But can be done. I have a close loved one who kicked it. I also had a very dear friend who died at 42, who always said "he did the meth, it didn't do him...." another favorite of his was "sleep when you die". I still miss him so much. He had a massive heart attack from od.
    He had kids, family, friends who loved him so much...he loved them also. But meth owned him.
    My loved one who kicked it....why was she able to? A year b4 the normal feelings of happiness, pleasure slowly came back.... But able to do it?
    I don't know why each were different.
    Many say a drug is a drug. I think Meth is in a class of it's own.
    I don't have advice for you.....only empathy. I will pray for your family. Lots!
    Wish I was able to say do this! do that!
    I'm still grieving so am too close to see clearly.
    Take care,
    Marian

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    kathleen5hockey is offline Advanced Member
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    It is so hard loving an addict. My daughter is the addict. Please don't think there is something wrong with you. The addict twists everything to be in their favor. Be very careful with your daughter. Addicts do really stupid things to the people they love, yes, even sell their child for sex with others. It happened to my daughter. You must take the high ground which is really hard. The way you allow your husband to treat you will make an impact on how your daughter will allow guys to treat her. Please know that you are in a forum where you will hear both sides of addiction. Comming home is very knowledgeable as are others. Honestly, without this forum and my faith who knows where I would be now. Stay strong!

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    Hurting Wife is offline Junior Member
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    Thank you for all your comments. I appreciate how even though you all don't know me you all now what I am going thru.

    My husband is out of town until monday and and my daughter and I miss him not being home but I can say too that it's been very relaxing at home. I tell my daughter if daddy does not seek help for his addictions he will have to move out and this is what it will be like when he leaves. Her response is she'll be sad but daddy needs help. My daughter biggest worry if her daddy does leave is that he will find a girlfriend and forget about her. I try to assure her that her daddy will always love her no matter what and that we are not asking him to leave because we hate him but because we love him. She understands that we need to show him tough love and hope this will be rock bottom for him. I just hope it is.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hurting Wife View Post
    Thank you for all your comments. I appreciate how even though you all don't know me you all now what I am going thru.

    My husband is out of town until monday and and my daughter and I miss him not being home but I can say too that it's been very relaxing at home. I tell my daughter if daddy does not seek help for his addictions he will have to move out and this is what it will be like when he leaves. Her response is she'll be sad but daddy needs help. My daughter biggest worry if her daddy does leave is that he will find a girlfriend and forget about her. I try to assure her that her daddy will always love her no matter what and that we are not asking him to leave because we hate him but because we love him. She understands that we need to show him tough love and hope this will be rock bottom for him. I just hope it is.
    Best to you!

  11. #11
    Hurting Wife is offline Junior Member
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    NoMoreOxy - You are so right about him being impotence. At first he blamed it on his diabetes and then on his High Blood Pressure. He has taken viagra and that didn't help. I tell him now that if he does not quit his drug use he will be dead within 5 years because he's a walking time bomb with his addictions and health problems.

    I'm not sure how much he is using but I can say that every weekend he is coming down from the high because he is in bed both saturday and sunday. All he does is sleep and eat.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hurting Wife View Post
    NoMoreOxy - You are so right about him being impotence. At first he blamed it on his diabetes and then on his High Blood Pressure. He has taken viagra and that didn't help. I tell him now that if he does not quit his drug use he will be dead within 5 years because he's a walking time bomb with his addictions and health problems.

    I'm not sure how much he is using but I can say that every weekend he is coming down from the high because he is in bed both saturday and sunday. All he does is sleep and eat.
    Sounds like he's using to function! Let's hope the wake up call of losing his family will work. Coming Home really laid it out perfectly what to say/do.
    I'm so glad you realize the sexual dysfunction is due to the drug not you.
    You seem to be dealing well with your daughter on this. Good job! Prayers are w/you!
    Marian

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    Hurting Wife is offline Junior Member
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    The hardest part right now and I think always will be is how to ease the disappointment and hurt my daughter is feeling towards her dad. They both have this little ritual every night before she goes to bed that he tells her good night, it being in person or on the phone. Well last night he would not answer the phone when she called and that has left her hurt. She has been calling him all morning and still no answer. She thinks her daddy does not love her and she feels she did something wrong. I have explained to her that it's the drugs causing her daddy to act this way. All I can tell her over and over is that daddy will not get better unless he seeks medical help.

    Can anyone of you tell me if there is any hope that my husband might be able to get help after 20 plus years of drug addiction?

    There are so many question I would like answers too....most addicts steal from their families but my husband does not? He gets very depressed but does not go pawning things or stealing money from me? Addicts become violent...I can get in my husband face and yell at him until I turn blue and all he'll do is turn away and walk away? Is everything that he says a lie? Is there any truth to what he says? Does he actually care for us?

    I don't want to turn my back on him but he leaves us with no other choice.

  14. #14
    ComingHome is offline Senior Member
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    I'm sorry you are going through this, as it is painful. Not all addicts steal from their families directly or are violent. That is a myth based on stereotype. If he is using money on drugs that could be used for your family, that is really a form of stealing from the family though. It's money that could be used for family enjoyment, which is what life is all about. Also, he is hurting the family, especially your daughter on many deep subtle levels when he is using that often can't be seen until the child starts getting older and exhibiting certain behaviors. Just keep in mind, that the consequences of him living there while in active addiction are much greater than the temporary short term pain your daughter may experience. I'm sure it's extremely hard to watch. It will be easier if you are not in the same house as him and limit contact until he can get clean, work a program, and prove that he is continuing to work a program - addicts are master manipulators, and one of their best weapons is guilt. He will use it, I promise.

    You are asking for insight into the mind of an addict, but it's very difficult to explain if you are not an addict yourself. To put it simply, they will put drugs first, before everything. Period. They will not get clean because you want them to. They have to get clean because they want to get clean for themselves. It's not something that he can just turn off and just stop using, especially after that many years of abuse. It is something HE is going to have to want badly, and he is going to have to make the effort and get the help he needs - it will be a daily effort. To be honest, it doesn't sound like he wants it right now, but you never know what might happen. Nobody can accurately predict when and if an addict will decide to put the effort in to do it. You might want to go to an Alanon or Narnon meeting to get more education on addiction - it will also provide you with a support group.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hurting Wife View Post
    Hi,

    I have been married for over 12 years and we have a 11 yr old daughter. My husband and I have been going to a marriage therapist to try and save our marriage. Last week my husband admitted using drugs (I knew he was using but he kept saying he was not). The shocker is not that he was using drugs but he said he had being using drugs off and on for the past 20 years.

    I feel like my entire marriage has been a lie. I have been told by the therapist that my marriage cannot be saved until my husband gets help for his drug addiction. My husband said he is not ready to quit as he need to get financially stable before he can move on. He lies about going to work, always depressed because we have no money but how can we have money if he's not working. We have separate accounts and he has not started stealing to pay for his drugs. He does have a porn addiction too. Masturbates and doesn't want sex with me.

    I have read stories and the comments regarding drug addictions and how the drug addict needs to hit rock bottom to realize they need help.

    I love my husband and I'm very scared to leave him as I want to help him and save our marriage. He says he loves me but then turns around and tells our daughter that I am the one that does not love him because I want him to leave. He and our daughter have a special bond that will be heart breaking for her if we leave him. He is self employed and works when he wants or should I say when he can function. I work full time and basically I am the one that pays for the food, ultilties and more than half the rent.

    I just don't know what to do? Should I stay and try to get him the help he needs? Should I kick him out of our home?

    Please I need an insight of what is going on in my husband mind?

    Thank you!
    There is ALWAYS hope

  15. #15
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hurting Wife View Post
    The hardest part right now and I think always will be is how to ease the disappointment and hurt my daughter is feeling towards her dad. They both have this little ritual every night before she goes to bed that he tells her good night, it being in person or on the phone. Well last night he would not answer the phone when she called and that has left her hurt. She has been calling him all morning and still no answer. She thinks her daddy does not love her and she feels she did something wrong. I have explained to her that it's the drugs causing her daddy to act this way. All I can tell her over and over is that daddy will not get better unless he seeks medical help.

    Can anyone of you tell me if there is any hope that my husband might be able to get help after 20 plus years of drug addiction?

    There are so many question I would like answers too....most addicts steal from their families but my husband does not? He gets very depressed but does not go pawning things or stealing money from me? Addicts become violent...I can get in my husband face and yell at him until I turn blue and all he'll do is turn away and walk away? Is everything that he says a lie? Is there any truth to what he says? Does he actually care for us?

    I don't want to turn my back on him but he leaves us with no other choice.





    Can he get clean after using 20 years you asked? I used for 35 years, almost died a couple times, had multiple rehab vacations, but I will have been clean now for nine years in another month plus. I don't even think about abusing drugs anymore, but it takes time.

    I spend lots of time here working with others, I finally became a Christian and spend lots of time in church, but I'm most always doing something constructive to keep my head on straight. I remarried last year after being divorced twenty years to a beautiful lady here on the forum Melinda. My life is as perfect today as it could be. We are retired and live in the country where it's peaceful.

    I always owned my own company while abusing drugs so I was successful other than being a drug addict and drunk, so I was sort of functional but still almost killed myself a couple times and lived in isolation for the most part except when I was hitting the bars misbehaving.

    He has to want this more than anything or he won't do it. If he has been on meth for a long time he really may need some inpatient help and then get into a good recovery program. NA saved my life up until I finally found Christ. I never would have made it on my own. I almost committed suicide one night holding a cocked and loaded 9mm to my head. That freaks me out now when I think what a low lifeform I had become.

    It gets serious after twenty years. And I never hit a female in my life either, though I did get in fights with other guys. And if my lips were moving I was lying most of the time. I detest liars today, no I pity them. That is why I am a little harsh on this forum at times when I know someone is BSing me. I can see right through them. Hope this adds a little to your perspective and helps. Let me know if I can be of help. God bless.
    Last edited by Robert_325; 04-21-2011 at 03:42 PM.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  16. #16
    Hurting Wife is offline Junior Member
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    Robert_325 - What was your rock bottom, if I may ask?
    My husband is 40 yrs old and is also self-emplyed but his business is going under. He has not paid taxes for the past 4 years and his credit is shot. And you wonder why I am still by his side...scared of losing the love of my life. Thank you and I too now know that when he speaks it's only words and false promises. I tell him now to show me that you want to change because your words disappear into the air.

    ************************************************** **
    It's a tough choice to make because I have our therapist telling us (my daughter and I) to pack up and leave because we will never have a normal life living with an addict but then there is a part of me screaming "I care and love you so much and it hurts to see you destroying your life".

    I have spoken to his family that he visiting at the moment if they have had a chance to speak to him about his drug problem. They say they have and he has told them that he wants to change but first wants to have a talk with me. What does he want to make more promises or tell me how he no longer wants to live with me because I don't trust him. He has also told them that I have his future in my hands....huh... what the heck does that mean?

    I will leave it in GODS hands and HE at this moment is the only one that has the patience to deal with my husband and his addictions.

  17. #17
    AmIanAddict is offline Member
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    [QUOTE=Hurting Wife;316802]It's a tough choice to make because I have our therapist telling us (my daughter and I) to pack up and leave because we will never have a normal life living with an addict but then there is a part of me screaming "I care and love you so much and it hurts to see you destroying your life".
    /QUOTE]

    OK, as a recovering addict ), this is a big red flag for me. To normal people your sentence makes complete logical sense. But, in Addictland it is actually completely contradictory. I can see that you love him, but if you stick around while he is still using you will do exactly what you said: "see you destroying your life." There is nothing that will stop an addict that doesn't want to put in the effort to stop. Sticking around will only make it worse because he will have the comfort of his family to help him continue on his destructive path. I didn't stop until my wife put down an ultimatum and she was going to leave me. But, I had to want to do it. If I didn't want to, I would have just become more sneaky and manipulative, and I probably could have stalled it even longer. As someone on here said, there are only 3 destinations for the addict who is using: Jails, institutions, and death. Your therapist sounds like a person who is familiar with addiction and the devastating long term effects they can have on families and especially kids. We, on this board, also are very familiar with addiction, ususally first hand, and we are all saying the same thing your therapist is saying. If you leave or kick him out, maybe it will make him want to put in the effort to get clean, maybe not. But, at least you will LET him hit his bottom, whatever that is.

    You are right, it is in God's hands, so ask God for guidance in your actions, courage, and strength to do the right thing, and then just listen. The answers will come.

    I would also recommend you check through some recent threads on this forum (over the last couple months) that are situations very similar to yours.
    Last edited by AmIanAddict; 04-21-2011 at 06:06 PM.

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    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hurting Wife View Post
    Robert_325 - What was your rock bottom, if I may ask?
    My husband is 40 yrs old and is also self-emplyed but his business is going under. He has not paid taxes for the past 4 years and his credit is shot. And you wonder why I am still by his side...scared of losing the love of my life. Thank you and I too now know that when he speaks it's only words and false promises. I tell him now to show me that you want to change because your words disappear into the air.

    ************************************************** **
    It's a tough choice to make because I have our therapist telling us (my daughter and I) to pack up and leave because we will never have a normal life living with an addict but then there is a part of me screaming "I care and love you so much and it hurts to see you destroying your life".

    I have spoken to his family that he visiting at the moment if they have had a chance to speak to him about his drug problem. They say they have and he has told them that he wants to change but first wants to have a talk with me. What does he want to make more promises or tell me how he no longer wants to live with me because I don't trust him. He has also told them that I have his future in my hands....huh... what the heck does that mean?

    I will leave it in GODS hands and HE at this moment is the only one that has the patience to deal with my husband and his addictions.




    What was my bottom? It took a lot for me to get there. I was very hard headed about finally discontinuing to use. I am still hard headed about lots of things only being the opposite of what I used to be. But then I was long divorced so there was no one like my wife to affect my decisions pushing me.

    At the end I had been taking over 100 pills of some kind a day not counting powder drugs and whatever. I drank liquor 24 hours a day if I was awake starting when I woke up till I passed out. I was taking 1000mg of roxicodone IR a day plus LOTS of other garbage. My heart stopped basically and I was rushed into the hospital three times via ambulance in a period of maybe three weeks, twice from my office and once from the grocery store when I passed out in the store.. I even had to sell my interest in my business to my partners and move on after my office ambulance experiences. They were totally pissed at me.. But even when I finally checked into rehab I think I had about $1500 on me as pocket change. So I never ran out of money during those days.

    The dr was finally screaming in my face that I was a dead man any day. I had been recently diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, Raynauds Phenomenon, had a blood clot, five knee operations from years of sports injuries earlier in life, I was totally shot. When I finally KNEW that I had taken it as far as I could, that was when I nearly blew my head off as I knew what it would be like in rehab.

    I did it the old fashioned way that first time stopping. I was hospitalized over two months. Of course I relapsed that first time.. I finally.got back in rehab and it took that time.,When I finally KNEW that I either had to stop or die I gave in.

    I had started going to NA meetings. I heard people there talking about an addict's future being "jails, institutions or death" and I finally believed it. I had been in instituions twice, all of my friends but me had been to jail, and I mean prison. I hadn't only because I made enough money to keep myself out, So I figured it would finally be death for me. I took it as far as I could take it without dying.

    When I started NA that was what turned my life around. I went for two solid years and only missed three days of going to meetings seven days a week. I worked the 12 steps four times. I got totally wrapped up in recovery. Then after several years in recovery I became a Christian and nothing has been the same for me since. That was when my life really changed and I was at peace. I rely on church and God today like I used to make NA meetings. I am involved in lots of things there, plus I spend a huge amount of time here on this forum. I've done whatever it takes to stay out of that old life. If I ever went off like I used to live again I would die, I know that I would never make it back. But after all this time and thanks to God I know that won't happen again.

    My life has become so good, I have a great wife and an easy life today. We are retired, I ride the lawn mower to cut our two acres, float in the pool and get suntan. lol But it's taken nine years to get this far and most everyone doubted everything I did for a long time. No one trusted me that I was even sincere when I became a Christian. Even my family had to watch me a couple years before they believed me. Now members of my personal family have followed me to church and are Christans today as well. I finally became a positive influence on those who doubted me the most for so long, have been married almost a year now and Melinda is right there with me in church, God has been very merciful to me and I won't ever forget it. HE has made a new creature out of me.

    Anyone can get clean but a person can be living in absolute hell before it happens. I hope your husband hasn't gone that far and your family doesn't have to go through what I went through. My wife now would have blown me off during my worst as she is too smart to subject herself to all I did. I had to be clean for years before I ever deserved a wife and even a life. It all seems like another life today but I will never forget my past as I can't ever go back again. Hope that helps. I really don't like talking about all the sorry things I did years ago unless it will help someone. But for what my opinion is worth I think he needs professional help and a strong recovery program to become the husband and father you want to live with. I would insist in no uncertain terms that he get help and stand your ground on it. God bless.
    Melissa B, NoMoreOxy and HenryNCBA like this.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  19. #19
    Exhausted is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hurting Wife View Post
    The hardest part right now and I think always will be is how to ease the disappointment and hurt my daughter is feeling towards her dad. They both have this little ritual every night before she goes to bed that he tells her good night, it being in person or on the phone. Well last night he would not answer the phone when she called and that has left her hurt. She has been calling him all morning and still no answer. She thinks her daddy does not love her and she feels she did something wrong. I have explained to her that it's the drugs causing her daddy to act this way. All I can tell her over and over is that daddy will not get better unless he seeks medical help.

    Can anyone of you tell me if there is any hope that my husband might be able to get help after 20 plus years of drug addiction?

    There are so many question I would like answers too....most addicts steal from their families but my husband does not? He gets very depressed but does not go pawning things or stealing money from me? Addicts become violent...I can get in my husband face and yell at him until I turn blue and all he'll do is turn away and walk away? Is everything that he says a lie? Is there any truth to what he says? Does he actually care for us?

    I don't want to turn my back on him but he leaves us with no other choice.
    I am the spouse of an addict also. We have been married over 10 years and have a child that has a strong connection with her daddy. I am at a complete loss as to what to advice to give as far as how to deal with your daughter's disappointment. Mine is younger and he rarely let her down, but it was easier to cover if he did due to the age.

    I stayed with my husband, my story is out there if you are interested in reading up on it. I can say that from what I have read or seen first hand, relationships with an addict rarely have a positive outcome, but they do happen. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to make it successful....it all depends on the addict and their decision on the future. As much as we want to help, we can't fight this battle for them. If you choose to stay, you have to "learn" more about addiction that you ever cared to know and be able to offer support. I have only ONCE told someone to run from a relationship with an addict. That is completely your decision. All you can do is ask for advice and experiences and weigh it against your personal situation. There is no cut and dry answer. Many people have offered great advise so far and this forum was my saving grace at one point.

    As far as your other questions go....my husband was never abusive. He never even raised his voice. Did he lie, cheat and steal? Absolutely!!!! But I did not always know it. Most people thought I had the PERFECT husband (as did I, and other than his secret drug life, he was). I found out he pawned some small things when he came clean (they were small inheritance things from his family). He also did side jobs to get money, but I thought he was working late so that is why we were not missing money. Does he love you? Yes. Does he care about you? Yes. Is everything a lie? Not always. Is there any truth to what he says? Some. Bottom line right now, his addiction is overpowering him more than anything he has ever loved and he will twist the truth to get his "fix" even if it means telling a twisted version of the truth to the people he loves the most.

    Once he decides to quit, he has to prove it, not just say it. NA has been a HUGE part of my husband's recovery. It has been a life saver for him and our relationship. He did not want to walk into a group of strangers initially, but now he cherishes his meetings.

    I wish you the best of luck thorugh this difficult time!

  20. #20
    NoMoreOxy is offline Senior Member
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    Hello Hurting Wife, how are things going?

  21. #21
    Hurting Wife is offline Junior Member
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    NoMore Oxy - Thank you for being concern about me. My husband is back from out of town was in AZ helping his folks refurnish their place. My in-laws say they kept him very busy and he also said he only rested when he fell slept. He came home yesterday morning and was very caring and loving towards my daughter and myself. I wish more days were like yesterday. We hung out as a family, went to lunch with friends and then went shopping all 3 of us which is rare.

    I asked him about what he thought about us and he said that he is happy to be home and that he love us but feels we should separate. I asked why and he said that it's just too much for him right now to try and change for us that he is not ready.

    I ask you and anyone else: Why does he ask for a separation if he is happy at home and loves us?

    Do you all think it might be too late to fix this marriage. Do you all think that we can start all over if we both can leave the past in the past?

    The anxiety that I am going thru is eating me up that it's interfering with my day to day life.

    Help should I do?

  22. #22
    NoMoreOxy is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hurting Wife View Post
    Why does he ask for a separation if he is happy at home and loves us?
    Hello Hurting. I'm glad you have had a few nice days with your husband.

    I'm definitely not an expert on addiction and I'm sure others who have replied to your thread will have more insight, but from an outsiders perspective the statement above seems to imply your husband is making a choice.

    I've read many threads on this board and this does seem to match a pattern. I've heard many people will only make a change when they exercise their own free will and choose for themselves to get better. I'm sorry, but today your husband doesn't seem to be there yet.

    The ????? of free will is, only he has control over his. All you can do is accept the things that you can change. Like a better living situation for your family. A happy place for your daughter.

    I know this is a tough time, but this to shall pass. Just keep your chin up and take care of you and yours.
    Robert_325 likes this.

  23. #23
    staysober10 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hurting Wife View Post
    NoMore Oxy - Thank you for being concern about me. My husband is back from out of town was in AZ helping his folks refurnish their place. My in-laws say they kept him very busy and he also said he only rested when he fell slept. He came home yesterday morning and was very caring and loving towards my daughter and myself. I wish more days were like yesterday. We hung out as a family, went to lunch with friends and then went shopping all 3 of us which is rare.

    I asked him about what he thought about us and he said that he is happy to be home and that he love us but feels we should separate. I asked why and he said that it's just too much for him right now to try and change for us that he is not ready.

    I ask you and anyone else: Why does he ask for a separation if he is happy at home and loves us?

    Do you all think it might be too late to fix this marriage. Do you all think that we can start all over if we both can leave the past in the past?

    The anxiety that I am going thru is eating me up that it's interfering with my day to day life.

    Help should I do?
    Hurtingwife,

    I guess I can tell you I recently hit rock bottom. Want to know what made me want to change? Seeing the hurt and tears coming down my now ex gf's face and her walking away from me. Whether she meant were done or not or if its "tough love" to teach me a lesson I guess I will find out in the future but I honestly dont want to use anymore. This was my WAKE UP CALL. My addiction was not as strong as your husbands but it was addiction. I already broke my mothers heart several years ago when she found out I was using and told myself I refuse to go through that again. Unfortunately I relapsed this past August and have been using almost everyday until about a week ago. Its just not worth having the girl I love this upset and not seeing her child over a few minute buzz. It gets me so angry thinking about what I did.

    I dont think your husband has really realized it yet, his judgement is a bit cloudy right now. "Tough Love" worked for me so far and I really hope you can soon find peace and happiness. Even though I am glad I finally want to stop not only for her but for myself, my life and my body I am still hurting inside because I cant stand to see her in pain, knowing I, the guy she loves caused this. Your a smart woman, you will make the right decision.

  24. #24
    ComingHome is offline Senior Member
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    Well, it sounds like he is more interested in using right now, unfortuanately. But, addicts are very manipulative in nature, and many times they don't even know theirself that they are being manipulative because their minds are so cloudy. Dishonesty with their self is the norm with addicts, unfortuanately. I know this from experience. So, what are his real intents and does he have ulterior motives becomes the question. The answer is very hard to accurately guess (especially for people who have never met him in person), but they will usually give clues if you pay very close attention to what they say and more importantly what they do. I could potentially see many angles here. For instance, he could be trying to manipulate you into continued using AND staying with you. In other words, it's possible that he wants to have his cake and eat it to. Another possibility is that he has other (secret)motives for wanting to leave the relationship. I could go on all day listing the possible motives beyond the obvious ones, but again I would just be guessing. I'm not trying to say I know what the answer is, but what I do know is addict behavior, and 9 times out of 10 addicts will tell you something as a cover-up for something they are not telling you.

    So, the bottom line is that he is sick with the disease of addiction, and he desparately needs help. If he is not willing to get that help, you are better off taking your daughter out of that scene until he is ready and willing to put in the effort to get better (if he decides before arriving at 1 of the 3 destinations of addiction: jails, institutions, and death). You have to do what is best for yourself and your daughter regardless of what he chooses to do. Just because the addict is going down in a ball of flames doesn't mean you and your daughter have to go with him. He clearly doesn't want help right now, and his addiction and behaviors will only get worse in the near term. You cannot build and maintain a strong marriage with an addict spiraling in active addiction. But, if he ever decides to take the actions to get and stay clean, you never know what the future may hold. But, we know what the present holds because he has already told you - more active addiction.

    CH
    There is ALWAYS hope

  25. #25
    Hurting Wife is offline Junior Member
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    ComingHome - You are so right about his manipulative behavior. My daughter and I are seeing a therapist to help us get through this because I know soon we will have to make the choice to leave. He tells me that he can't stay married to me because I am to controlling and that I ask to many questions and blah, blah, blah and blah. I tell him then get off your ass and go to work and start providing for this family. His response is that he is going to move out and then I guess he thinks about it because he has no money to pay for a place of his own. At first when he said this I thought he had a girlfriend or a special friend on the side but now I know he just says this because it gets me all worked up. But one day I will tell him "let me help you pack".

    *********************************************
    I want to say THANK YOU to you all and this site for helping me understand that there is no easy answer or solution to what my daughter and I are going thru with my husband's addiction. It's clear to me what I need to do but dang hard to go through with it. Don't understand why I can't just pick up and leave if there is no hope of him changing if I stay by his side. The only answer I come up with is that I'm scared. I can provide for my daughter and me. I have been doing it for the past 2 years and if he is no longer living with us then it will be less expensive.

    Thanks again and please don't stop with the comments. I appreciate you all looking out for us and I hope one day to be able to help the next spouse, partner, girlfriend and/or family member that will be dealing with this same nightmare. As long as the drugs are out there.... this nightmare will never end.

  26. #26
    Hurting Wife is offline Junior Member
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    I received a call this afternoon one that I never thought I would receive. I guess it's true you should never say never. Well it was from children services and they want to come over to my home and have a talk with me because someone called in a concern for my daughter. This call is rock bottom for me and the push I need to tell my husband he needs to leave ASAP.

    I told my husband about the call and you guys will not beleive what he said. He is accusing me of calling them and can't beleive I would stoop this low. he told me if I wanted him to leave this bad all I had to do was ask him to leave. I told him all he needs to do is get off the drugs and his reply was "I'm not doing drugs". He now says that if he had been doing drugs for 20 years he would be dead by now.

    How much of all he is saying is true?? He confuses me every time we speak. Can someone be on and off drugs for 20 years and still be functioning? He says that I have lost him and that I should move on but he won't leave just keeps saying that he going to leave soon. It's been almost 5 months since I began this nightmare. Before that I had my eyes and ears covered to what was really going on and I just didn't want to know the truth. But I got tired of playing the cover up game and finally decided to snoop and had this nightmare blow up in my face.

    Our therapist says to not believe a word that comes out of his mouth because it will always be a lie. Can that be true?

  27. #27
    Hurting Wife is offline Junior Member
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    Robert_325 answered my question in a previous post about being able to use for 20 years and still be able to function. Being a non user it's really hard to understand that anyone can use for this long and not be dead.

    My mind just can't comprehend how anyone can need this drug to function and basically take over your life. My husband seems to care when he speaks but he shows us that he doesn't. This is where my daughter and I get frustrated with his lies and just want to leave but then we see in his eyes how much hurt he is in and we stay.

  28. #28
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    NO ..... I said that I had used for 35 years and have right at nine years clean today. But I was ready to stop, he doesn't seem to be. We are two different people.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  29. #29
    Exhausted is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hurting Wife View Post
    Robert_325 answered my question in a previous post about being able to use for 20 years and still be able to function. Being a non user it's really hard to understand that anyone can use for this long and not be dead.

    My mind just can't comprehend how anyone can need this drug to function and basically take over your life. My husband seems to care when he speaks but he shows us that he doesn't. This is where my daughter and I get frustrated with his lies and just want to leave but then we see in his eyes how much hurt he is in and we stay.
    People get addicted to these drugs for various reasons, some are prescribed them legitimately and others just like the high. Taken over a long period of time, the body physically and mentally requires them and it is a hard thing to quit. Being non-users, we will never fully comprehend these needs. The best thing I can suggest would be compare it to something you "need" like morning coffee or a cigarette or anything else you simply could not do without for a day. Since these things are legal, we do not feel like it is an addiction, but they are. Now take how you feel without one of these vices and multiply it by 100. These is how an addict feels. This might not be the best example, but the best way I can explain it to you.

    The bad part is, loved ones suffer the consequences, sometimes more than the addict. It is a hard life to live and most relationships don't make it. Some do, others try, and others just call it quits right away. An addict will lie, cheat, and steal....and they usually love the people they are doing it to, they just love the drugs more. I won't tell you what to do, as it is your choice and only you know your cicumstances, but your husband has flat out told you he is not quitting and now you are in jeopardy of losing your child. His habit is obviously bad enough for someone outside to be concerned enough to call child services. That would be a deal breaker for me personally, no matter how hard it was.

    I consider myself lucky, as my husband quit cold turkey and started to attend NA regularly. Although, we never had any major issues while he was using (not with my knowledge), I can see a huge difference in our family life since he quit. He always worked hard and did things with us as a family; however, now that he quit, he does those things even more. Actions speak louder than words. And I also know, that this is a lifelong issue that will never go away. The good thing is, he realizes that too. I would suggest you go back and read some of the other stories from spouses that did not have as lucky of an outcome. Just so you can get an idea of what you might be in store for. You might have to go back some in the threads as most of them kinda disappear from the forum once they decide to leave the relationship. There are some pretty sad and horrible stories. All came here with the same intent, to find help in how to understand, deal with, and help an addict get clean. Some hung in there and offered every benefit of the doubt, gave many excuses, and tried to change as much as they could to make it happen. Ultimately, most left....some had to lose a lot before they could see the light. This addiction can put you at risk of losing everything: job, house, and children are all included. I am not saying these things will happen for you, but they are all possibilities. Some non-users are under the misconception that there are two types of addicts: the "junkies" and our spouse/loved one. There is no difference, they are all addicts. And what doesn't seem bad now, usually will eventually get to what you thought would never happen to you.....that you have that "junkie" in your life. The people that others refer to as a junkies were once someone's loved one that lead a normal life like the rest of us. Bottom line is the addict has to want to quit for themselves. You wanting it badly for them won't make it happen. If they refuse to quit, you will live a life of constant stress, worry and anger. You will even become a liar yourself.....trying to cover for your addict....and that is where you become an enabler and part of the problem.

    Sorry to be so lengthy, I just want you to go into this will a clear mind. You seem to be on the fence and need information to help you choose the right side. I wish you all the best and hope things turn out well for you and your daughter!
    ComingHome and Robert_325 like this.

  30. #30
    Hurting Wife is offline Junior Member
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    Robert_325 - Thank you for claifying the time frame. I was thinking faster than I can type.

    Exhausted - You're right, nobody or thing is worth your child/children being taken away. I have the power/control to not let this happen by just moving out.

    You are all right he (my husband) is so not ready to quit. But maybe just maybe he also needs that little push too and hope that moving out does us all good.

    I will keep you all informed of what happens today with the visit from Child Protective Services.

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