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Want it Back again!! Cant wait to be free AGAIn
Ive bee lurking for a few weeks..boy I hope the following story of the past 8 yrs of my life doesnt bore you to tears.
Here it goes:
2004- Gave birth to my third child, it was all natural , as was my previous 2. Easy, fast deliveries. Anyway, was sent home with a prescription for Tylenol 3's and a refill. Before this time my history with painkillers was ZERO. Hated taking an advil because i swore they made me dizzy...sure they did. So, I took the meds as prescribed,and granted, it was a very small amount, just because I had a pretty big tear (the kid was over 9 lbs!) Im a tiny girl for crying out loud. Then I also got the refill. 2 weeks later, I was fine and dandy, walking my baby around the neighborhood...la da di..la da da....talked to one of my neighbors who asked how I was feeling, i said " ok, except I'm out of pain pills, and I cant walk right still" ha ha ha...
Well, she walks in her house comes back out with a full bottle of Oxycodone 10/500. Here I had surgery, didnt need em, you can have em. Gee willickers, thanks! Next morning woke up and took a half..felt pretty good..next morning same thing. Before I knew it my routine had become ..wake up...or woken up actually...make coffee, get baby, sit down take pill swish is down with coffee and smile as my baby wailed away for the next hour.
I think I got up to 3 1/2 pills a day before that bottle ran out. Then it was just a " eh, well that sucks" end of thought. But then the weird thing was I came down with the "flu" that night, and was in bed for the next week and felt ?????? for the one after. By the end of that first week, sitting in the nursery rocking the baby, I was like, why do i feel like ????? this flu is never ending..boy, bet if I had a pill i'd feel better -insert lightbulb- duh....omg, i'm in withdrawals. and I cried for the next hour.
That was that for the next 5 months. Didnt really even think of pills again. Until. My friend decides to take a half gainer off her front porch onto her driveway while trashed and broke her butt knuckle , lol..wasnt funny but honestly we still laugh at it. So she gets all kinds of pills...I have a toothache and she gives me some. Those go...Im at my parents, know my mom is allergic to painkillers..go through cabinet and take all of the ones she has left, ya know, so she doesnt poison herself...rolling eyes... Then I watched a show about a woman who is addicted to pills and buys hers online...being nosy I had to see if it would work. Worked. I had a bottle of 90 Norco in my hand in 3 days. I remember standing at the door looking down at the package, looking to my left and right just to see if I was about to be busted or if I was on some kinds "Cops" show or something...this cant be real?? It was. And I did it over and over for years. Horrible is all i can say. Then when I started to really hate myself, spending all my now ex husbands money on this stuff...lying...stealing money from my parents.. it was like I was actually posessed by something..because I was THE LAST person anyone would think would be an addict. But we come in all different shapes sizes and colors dont we?
So i told him. I told my closest people in my life..my brother and my dad. Behind me 100 percent. I went c/t..lasted 7 days..they thought I lasted the whole time and was clean. Nope. I had gotten a package I didnt even remember ordering..what was i gonna do? refuse it? sure. I wish. Then I started reading up on Kratom. Ordered some leaf. Made tea. Did nothing, but make me gag. hideous. Maybe I did it wrong but Im a suburban mom living on a cul de sac, what the hell do I know about making tea from some unknown plant? nada.
So I ordered some other stuff. then they gave me samples...I started taking this enhanced kratom called uei..and it was like whoa..ok, I can do this. It only cost me about...oh...$700 a month!! ugh..what the hell was I thinking? I dreaded w/d's so bad that I came up with anyway to buy it. I mean bad enough that Im draining my hard working husbands account but borrowing money, stealing money , it was just so bad. My mom confronted me and talked me into rehab. Got in to rehab...and everyone there started detoxing with meds to help them..not me..cuz I tested 100% clean. Kratom doesnt show up in a pee test. yay me! And I knew what was coming because I had gone through w/d's with kratom before and its HELL....I was just like Excorsist..sitting up in bed vomiting all over the place and I swear my head may have spun around once or twice i'm not sure. It wasnt funny, but I have to make light or i'll just cry.
So lasted 5 days there..came home, and knew I had a refill for vics at the pharmacy from a month or so ago...and off I went. Everyone so proud of me...kids thought I was in hospital..I dont deserve such a wonderful family I really dont. THEN the floor dropped out from underneath me. We lost our house. I was neglecting bills..not paying this so I can get that.
Took everything away from the people I loved the most. their stability. Their home. I did it. We all got split up. Me and the two boys with my grandparents. Oldest child with her father. Husband
went to live with a friend. Marraige over.
I go back to rehab. This time took 12 vics to make sure pee test was dirty dirty dirty so I could get treatment the right way and not go through those horrible w/d's and focus on recovery. was there 10 days, insurance wouldnt pay for more. but it worked...went home and had another 7 or so days of being uncomfortable, but then I felt so free!! Boy did I love it...so nice.
Clean for 9 months. This past Jan....picked up again,.for no good reason at all. For about 2 months...then someone gave me suboxone and Ive been on those for the past couple months and want off. I usually take about 2mg film in am then another in pm. Nothing and i mean NOTHINg feels as good as being clean does...I cant wait to feel that again. oh, and add in there I take ambien at night and a xanax here or there, but not much. I guess maybe they may come in handy during withdrawals as I usually get pretty bad rls. But from what i read, not to take much or for a long time.
Everyone here is making me want to do it and i read a thread recently that made me want to do it pronto. I forget whose it was now but he is on day 4 and I want to get to day 4...heck I want day 1!!
Thanks for reading my ramblings, Im so tired I cant even reread. If i did, i know i'd delete it so I better not.
I have the most amazing kids that love me so much ..even after ruining their lives..they were and are still young so thats a plus..half of the stuff they dont remember..but I know the day they came to take our house will live with my forever..the guilt is unbearable at times. I cant dwell in past anymore..i know I am depressed and self medicating, thats what ive been doing all along. I want to get healthy, really healthy and have more energy. God bless my 10 yr old..tonight told me " mom, you really do look exactly like Jennifer Lopez, your twins" Its almost as though he knew I needed to smile or a boost or something. ( i'm taking him to the opthamologist in the morning )
Again, sorry for the novel...i know its all over the place, but it feels good to get it out. Any suggestions are more than welcome!!! thanks!
Have you ever gotten involved in NA (or AA or CR) along the way? It sounds like you've focused on getting past the physical withdrawals - but have you dealt with the mental/emotional aspects of this disease? The key to lasting, long-term recovery lies in changing the person we are - from the inside - and not just removing drugs from our bodies. That's where the 12 steps make the difference.
Basically, when we've tried again and again, without success, something is missing from our plan. If you want different results, you need to do something different this time. I strongly urge you to get yourself to some daily meetings.
Also, when you make the decision to stop, that means stopping any and all mood-altering, mind-altering addictive chemicals. Recovery is total abstinance, not substitution. If you continue to use some other drug while detoxing off one drug, it's like leaving the key in the ignition of your disease.
You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.
Hey Now Listen to Artist that is the best thing you can do . Go to meetings. Getting the chemical is the easy part, relearning to live is where we run into difficulty pulling for you and post post post Surfdog
YOu guys have hit the nail directly on the head. I need counseling, therapy...etc....I begged along the way to go to marraige counseling, I needed to talk to someone other than family, a stranger I can just let it all out.
Originally Posted by surfdog
If you think about it, its such a small amount of time (withdrawals) for the rest of your life. Just get past those awful pains, and I throw up alot for some reason, but the mental part...ugh, thats rough. Especially when you have two kids that need you, and you cant even get up barely to make them their breakfast. But i have to say, I always did it, withdrawals or not. They didnt ask for this, its the guilt I cant get past.
I guess I need to take the subs i have left and just wean myself off of them , I long for those days where I wake up and just go about my day without thinking...ok where will I be when I have to dose and where should I put them and blah blah blah...so annoying. And its funny, I walk through the grocery store thinking, why cant I be like that person or that person..they probably dont have to take anything, theyre not addicted ...but how do I know that? the person standing next to me in line could be in the same boat. Its a great release to get on here and talk , so thanks for listening.
I'm going to start planning out the next month and how I'm going to be in a much different place than I am now. Goal setting..imagine that.
Have a great day everyone!
Best of luck to you, im just starting my second month of subs down to 4 mg daily from 8. I started going to meetings twice a week and it helps scary at first but well worth it.
Artist is right. You NEED to focus more on the mental aspect. Getting clean, while unbearable, is the easy part. Staying clean is where most addicts fail. Your story is like SO many others here, including myself. You get clean, stay clean for months, then eventually fall off. I played on that merry-go-round for a couple of years, and I could never wonder why I ALWAYS went back to that aweful way of living. Finally, I stopped being stubborn, and got into the meetings. Let me tell you, in all honesty; they make a WORLD of difference.
Fact is, you've forgotten how to deal with the aspects of life. You are used to grabbing for a mind-altering substance everytime life gets even a little bit uncomfortable. Think back, you weren't always like this. It is part of the addiction, and you MUST treat it, just like you treat the physical symptoms of withdrawals. Very, VERY few addicts achieve lasting sobriety witbout some form of counseling/support group.
So, do it for you. Google NA/AA meetings in your area, and go. Don't think about maybe someday thinking about checking it out. Just go. You don't have to talk if you don't want to. Just give it a shot. Sit, listen, and learn. I promise, you wont be dissapointed.
I feel for you, and I truly hope the very, very best for you. You've got a great attitude, and a real desire to ve clean. So do what you know yoh MUST do.
Heynow, your story touched me....and you certainly have paid a high price for this addiction. I really related to your story because it was after the birth of my son that also started off my addiction. It wasn't like I knew nothing of pills...but pretty close. It was definitely the prescription that I got sent home with that switched on the lightbulb. I was a new stay at home mother, and wow did they make me feel better about everything. Right down to, like you said, I would take a shower, make my coffee, and then take a 5 mg. All of a sudden everything would just seem so much easier....and more interesting. And of course in those days 5 mg was really all I needed for the day. I think I got 2 more prescriptions or so and then started getting them from different places. But like you said, at that point, if nothing was around for 2 weeks or so, it was like "oh well". But at some point I crossed the line, and that was that.
I always say that I wish that line had been like getting to a train track crossing, with big flashing lights and stop signs and bars that came down that said "DON'T GO ANY FURTHER"!! But it wasn't like that at all. Of course when, after not having them for 2 weeks or so, something would come through, I would get more. Why wouldn't I? It's not like I was spending a ton at that point, and I hadn't yet experienced wd (and really never gave a thought to the fact that I would). No, there were no flashing lights....I only see that line now in my rear view mirror.
Hearing how you lost your house broke my heart. I don't think I was too far away from that. For months I used all of our available cash on the pills...and therefore had to charge everything else. I used to be a person who prided myself on no credit card debt....and now it will take me years to pay it off. I paid my mortgage late so many times, and never thought I would do that. I truly believe that if I hadn't stopped in February, that we would have been in foreclosure by now.
I have the most amazing kids that love me so much ..even after ruining their lives..they were and are still young so thats a plus..half of the stuff they dont remember..but I know the day they came to take our house will live with my forever..the guilt is unbearable at times. I cant dwell in past anymore..i know I am depressed and self medicating, thats what ive been doing all along. I want to get healthy, really healthy and have more energy.
You can start beginning the next chapter of your life now. Like you said, take advantage of that your kids are young....and probably won't remember any of this. The guilt is terrible....and unfortunately when you get clean and your head gets clearer, the reality of what we've done in our using gets so real. But you already know that there is not use dwelling on it. We can't keep living through what we've done...we have to take all of that energy and work on making things better in the here and now. I wondered how I could be a mother without the pills....after all, I actually never had been one without them in my life. I have found now that I am a more patient mother, a more attentive mother, a better mother than I've ever been. Of course in the beginning of the wd I had days where I didn't have any energy. But now I have real energy and I focus it all on my son. You will get there too.
You can do this...
Hi...well, I am typing through the tears...its amazing how talking to people that actually have been there is SOOO great. You really cant understand unless you've been through it. When you try to explain withdrawals to someone who has never experienced it, they look at you like, ok, so what, i've had the flu before. Yeah..no. Not the same thing. Thank you for the kind words Bobby and Moon, yes you are lucky you didnt go as far as I did and lose it all, it was the absolute worst day of my life. And it is so true, how my mind was so clear while I was clean for those 9 months and the guilt was there, but just living my life was so awesome ..my kids were happier, i was happy..I was dealing with real life issues , I am so pissed at myself right now.
Again, I have to stop dwelling and just do this already. I'm going to go read to my kids and tuck them BACK in...they dont want to go to bed, last day of school coming up!
I will definitely be on here with updates, etc...I feel better just talking to you guys.
thanks again, really
Originally Posted by HeyNow
Honey, I want to assure you that you have NOT "ruined their lives" - as another mom in recovery, I sure do understand feeling that way! My oldest was 8 when I first got clean - and I was absolutely overwhelmed by guilt and regret for what I'd put her through. I was sure that I had "doomed" her to a life of insanity in her future, just from growing up dealing with my craziness.
Guilt will pull us back to using in record time, so we have to learn how to be gentle with ourselves. Nothing eats at us more as mothers, than the guilt of what we've done to our kids. We can not allow that to rule us. Long ago, through working the 12 steps - and by sharing with other women in recovery - I was able to free myself of that guilt, shame, remorse, regret stuff that held me down.
You have a disease - that isn't just a nice word to use for it. The American Medical Association recognizes drug addiction as a disease. Addiction is NOT the result of low moral fiber or character weakness. There's actual physiological differences between addicts and non-addicts. Here's a link to a post about this disease, that might help you to get a better perspective of why this monster of a disease is so hard to lick: http://www.drugs.com/forum/need-talk...ion-58760.html
When I first learned about that "THIQ" I wept. At last I could see that maybe, just maybe, I was not a "bad" person (or "bad mother") for allowing myself to become addicted. Maybe there was more to this than I could see. Then, over the course of working a 12-step program, I was able to release the remaining feels of guilt and shame.
Our children need not be "ruined" by our disease. The major difference in their lives occurs when Mom takes responsibility for her disease and steps up to overcome it. That's what the kids see. That's what they learn about the strength and integrity of their moms. Yes, they'll remember that we were once quite sick, but the prevailing message is actually a powerful one; Mom saw what was happening to her, addressed it head on, and over time, regained control over her life.
My little 8 year old is now 30. (I was clean for over 11 years, relapsed, and have been clean for nearly 9 years now.) If anyone were to ask her, her biggest 'hero' is her mother - she is pretty darned proud of what I've done to overcome this disease. It has taught her some lessons in life that have made her into one strong, healthy, well-balanced woman - and I'm in awe of that! She LOVES to be the one to give me my anniversary coins, loves to share the history of what "we" have been through, and is quick to suggest my help to any friend or coworker she encounters that has a drug issue. Fortunately, neither of my children have developed any sign of an addiction. Most of their lives, they saw mom going off to her NA and AA meetings, doing her counseling, and rebuilding her life. That's what stays with them.
I do not say any of this to brag - I say this to encourage YOU. I want to show you that there is every reason for hope. You have not ruined their lives; what you choose to do now can turn their lives - and yours - around.
You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.
I would be a fool not to listen to your advice Ruth, and I need to change my inner voice to stop telling myself all of the negatives, and maybe start thinking that once i've " recovered " which to me just seems so far away, but I also know from my past history of being clean for almost a year to now that once I am drug free , I have to do something different this time, which has to be going to meetings and AT LEAST talk about what I am feeling or its just going to build up in my head and I'll go crazy. and use to make myself feel better.
But its really not feeling better is it? Its getting numb so you dont feel anything.
Thank you again, I am going to act on this today and start myself on vitamins, I always take long walks everyday , I have for years, but I think I want to up the ante and start using this crazy contrapment thats in my basement...I think its called a " treadmill " ? yes, I'm being a smart#$#@...that thing has been sitting down there forever collecting dust and being used as something to hang wet bathingsuits on etc.
I do have a supply of xanax. I dont take them except to sleep once in a while. And the ambien. Which i'm out of and NOT getting anymore. Should I keep the xanax to take for when im going through w/ds? I know that i shouldnt, I really know that already, I dont know why i'm even asking, I just want to go c/t and get it over with. its just so hard to do and take care of kids and function. But when I think about how fast a couple of weeks go by, I think ..ok, so the days are going to go by anyway, so just do it, and dont look back.
Its nice to stop talking to myself and let it all out on here. Weight is lifting slowly
Hey Now Big difference in being sick, and being "bad". You are not bad or a bad mom. You had some difficulties lean from them and move on . Guilt is what I feel for what i have done, shame is what i feel for who i am. there is nothing for you to be ashamed of God bless Surfdog
Ruth is correct about the guilt thing. We all have pasts to forget. As the mother of an addict, a person who loves an addict I can say without a doubt, your kids love you. Show them how to be strong and overcome adversitites. It's part of life. Remember, they love you!
Havent posted about my recovery obviously in awhile. I got myself down to itty bitty bits of sub films til 4 days ago...so Ive been going through the whole sha-bang....sweating like crazy..then cold..kicking at night. Hate it...just want this time to go by so I can feel better and take care of my girls as best I can.
Hi, my name is Karen and it's wonderful to meet you! Read your thread here and was so touched by your words. I don't mind telling you that I have tears in my eyes as I type this. But they sure do help! I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. I would like to offer you my support and would be honored if you could/would do the same for me at some point. My thread is here if you care to take a look?
Originally Posted by HeyNow
I am a Mother also.....to a 4-year old. I did, but will not continue going through life high on anything. You are doing the right thing here. I can see that. Please keep posting as much as your time will allow. I myself, and many others will learn so much from your story. We NEED you here! I need you here!
You take care my new friend and I will be following you along. I will post a much as possible to you! Very nice to meet you HeyNow. Blessings be with you always.
Last edited by Strong Desire; 06-20-2012 at 12:34 PM.
Whew....that was rough. Day 8, and can say I finally am over the worst of it. But I stuck it out. Still havent eatten...I think I ate two pretzels this whole time, really a BAD way to summer diet, but I did lose 18 lbs. Lord.
Thanks to all of you that posted such nice and encouraging words, it did help, I didnt post every day, only because to be honest, I was in bed...which I realized i HAD to get out of on day 6 and move at least a little or It would never get better and just laying there was doing no good, lord knows I havent slept in 5 days either, how is it possible not to sleep but maybe a half hour a night and still survive??
And how clear my mind is now, I really dont realize just how numb I am when on something, its crazy, I want to do things, not just wait til the next dose...its nuts.
But I am so glad its over. And I will be on here to talk.
Good on ya! you are doing well I have confidence you can and will do this! Hell you are doing it. we all have a past, remembering that past helps us not to go back remember the pain but don't dwell on it. When cravings hit , think do i want to go through that again? hang tight we are there with you and for you Dog
Thanks Dog!! I feel so much better now...compared to how I felt even two days ago, its amazing.
And right? I shouldve taken video of myself going through w/d's again to remind my stupid A#@ what I felt like. Never again, I really just need to stay far away from all of it and especially the people that are still doing it for sure.
So happy to hear that you are through the worst of it! It really will only keep getting better from here. What gave me great motivation in the beginning was reading someone say that Days 30-60 were very different from Days 1-30. It really made me want to reach that goal and see what they were talking about. And they were right!
You're not a bad person. Life is messy and we make mistakes for sure. Keep your head up and walk through this. You will be better for it in the end.
Originally Posted by HeyNow
HeyNow I am glad to read your story. I am clean for the 5th day (if you count today and I do!) and I just wanted to say hi and I am thinking about you and hope that things are still going well.