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vikes, perks, roxis, i love them all, and I'm beginning to see that it's a problem..
vikes, perks, roxis, i love them all, and I'm beginning to see that it's a problem..
Hey everyone, I've been reading the forums for a while now and noticed there was quite a few new members so i decided to join. I am nervous about posting.
It all began in a car accident 2 years ago. I was NOT the a fault driver, so I was awarded with a 250,000 dollar settlement from farmers insurance for 4 broken ribs, a broken elbow, an allergic reaction to the airbag chemicals an 2 slipped discs in my spine. I was first given oxycodone-apap 5/325 from the emergency room, then 5-500 hydrocodone-apap for a year from my PCP. Being 20 years old, doctors were hesitant to give me the doses that I desperately needed at the time in fear of me developing an addiction. I had never taken pain medication of any kind before this accident, and those doses barely touched the pain I was in. So I found a dealer, and bought pills off the street. Most of the time I got 10/325 oxycodone and the hot pink oxycodone10mg, the green "A 214" 15mg oxycodone an the blue "M 30" 30mg oxycoone that i would cut in half because 30mg of oxycodone is still a high dose for me to take all at once. Anyways, my bones that were broken have healed up, my back is the only area that is still in pain, but the pain is usually handled pretty well with a chiropractic adjustment. I would like to stop taking these pills, but i feel like I am mentally attached to them. When I do stop for a couple days, I have no physical withdraw symptoms, I just am sad and feel like I am missing a big part of my life... like a friend Has anyone else ever felt this way?? Please don't reply with, "You better stop now before things get worse!" I already know that, and when I want to stop, I need to be 100% ready, and right now, I am not which probably comes across as lazy or selfish. I know things can and will get worse, but I need to learn how to tackle the empty void I am left with before I kick these all together. I have read a lot about the horrible physical withdraw that most of you had gone through and I am so fortunate that I have yet to experience that. I really feel for each of you who have had to experience that, as I know how horrible pain feels. Especially feeling so much pain that you feel helpless.
I'm interested in making friends with some of you, and maybe supporting each other. Although I am not far in recovery, there may be some things I can help some of you out with that you can't offer me, and you can offer me help with some things that I cannot give to you. Honesty for me, is so key here. I look forward to hearing from each of you and becoming part of your community and having you guys help me say YES I AM READY.
Hey there Samantha :-)
Welcome to the forum. It's always good to have silent readers finally start posting. It's a great first step for you, as well.
You said you aren't ready. That's fine. We all had to go through various stages before we could successfully separate from the drugs. Right now, you're in preparation mode, so I'm at least glad for that.
All in good time.
About that emotional longing you mentioned... Oh boy, Do we know it? We ALL felt that way.
I always called heroin (my drug of choice) my mistress.
She wanted all my attention, all my love, all my care.
And when I would turn away, she would try everything - everything - to get me back. Part of that, a big part of that, is a mental obsession with the drug, and a sadness, like losing a best friend. In many ways, our only friend.
Or so we think.
If you give it enough time, just a few days, that sadness goes away.
The obsession may stay, yes, but that longing lessens and lessens until you realize it wasn't real, just another ploy on behalf of the drugs to keep you chained to them.
Anyway, just wanted to post real quick and let you now you're not alone, and we know how you feel.
Let us know how we can help you take that big step.
All the best.
Ah, yes, letting go of the best friend you never really had. How to fill that void after pills? The ultimate question because we can't imagine life without them: what fills that void/ Nothing. For me, the void was phantom, an illusion. The fear: what will you do when I'm gone? However, you will not learn how to fill that empty void until you kick the drugs. Paradoxical? Scary? Yup. Wings is right: the sadness does go away. The obsession? Maybe never, but it will get easier to live with. The only thing is is that you have to want to live your life clean more than you wanted anything in your life, that's where and when you'll gain the strength to let go. it is the hardest thing you will do and the most important thing you will ever do.
And no, you're not alone, being without pills was the scariest thing I could ever imagine, until it wasn't.
Thank you for the unconditional support. That is another thing that has attracted me to sharing. I feel like I won't be judged, but at the same time, I do need to hear what I need to hear, so please do not hesitate. Tonight is hard for me because I am trying to make a better budget and sometimes it even comes down to pill or bills... and i'm guessing you know which one always wins...
Another thing I forgot to mention is a very big part of my life.... My fiance is a DEA agent and officer in the coast guard as a boats mate and does all the drug stings, arrests and take downs at the boarder.. He knows about my pill use after my accident but thinks i stopped a year ago.... I have tried to approach him about it, but he defends my pill use when it comes to the Vicodin and usually says something like, "Baby, don't think you're a junkie, you're only on a low dose of a scheduled 3 drug, you're not doing anything wrong." but I really do feel like I am doing something wrong. He doesn't know about the oxycodones I take, just the Vicodin, so I've thought that maybe if I quit the oxys, it would be ok for me to just take the Vicodin, but that barely touches my pain, and knowing me, I'd resort back to oxys somehow.... we are suppose to be getting married in March and don't want to be living a lie with a man that I honor and respect so much. I love him he is such a good man. He talks a lot about how much he looks down on drug dealers and the market of income that is made between drugs sold on the street. He really does have no idea. I also feel like he might not look down on my situation considering the people I do business with are a lot older with families, careers and lives of their own, and they are just helping a friend out, not some junkie teens stealing their parents meds. I feel like $#it
I'm sorry that you're having a tough time right now. It's not easy, is it?
First of all, you have been lying to your husband for a year. That's a lot of lies, right? It will be difficult to come to terms with everything. Especially with his work. I don't want to sound harsh, and I am sorry if it sounds like that, but you put his career in danger for a small high. I know you don't mean to endanger him, and you may have never thought about it. If something slipped, and cops finds it in your house, he is going down. Won't matter how many times you say it is yours. If he were doing this, it would be too much of a liability for the DEA. His job is his livelyhood, don't tale of away from. He's dedicated to it, and he wants dealers off the streets. He is doing good work.
It will be very difficult if he finds out. For hi, more so than you. He's going to be forced to doubt every little thing. Ramdom events will
Make him wonder if you were high then. How much has his relation been with you been fake? Honesty is the best thing for you right now. He deserves this, does he? He has every right to be angry, and dissapointed. If it is fixable, be ready to be untrustworthy for awhile. He might need time to figure it all outs. It's a huge bomb.
Again, I'm sorry if I upset you.
Last edited by ddcmod; 01-21-2013 at 01:40 AM.
Originally Posted by iLovePerks2
I hope my post didn't upset you. A lot of my posts get deleted for swearing. Even got a 24 hour ban. I only swear for emphasis, never out of anger.
Dear I love,
I was in your shoes, when I first started considering that I may need to stop. I was taking painkillers for 'legitimate' pain - from my own 'legitimate' doctor - so that made me feel like it wasn't so bad. I wasn't physically addicted then, but psychologically, I sure was. I could not begin to imagine my life without drugs - the very idea of it filled me with dread. That emptiness? Oh dear God, do I remember it well. That emptiness led me to attempt suicide... it was awful.
I am on the other side of that now, many years, in fact. There is no emptiness. There is no craving to use. There is no deceit or hiding. My life has become an open book, and I have peace of mind. I wish I could say that I stopped where you are now, but I didn't. I tried an NA meeting occasionally back then, but really wasn't ready to give them up.
Yes, you do know it will get worse. Sadly, that is the nature of addiction - a progressive, chronic disease that is highly resistant to treatment. Our denial keeps us stuck - it makes our minds believe the lies. We want to believe we still need the medicine for pain, when truthfully, we do not. (You actually mentioned you did not, when you mentioned the chiropractor.) You are still trying to control your use - still trying to manage your life while using, and it's going to get tougher and tougher to do so. Once we cross that invisible line into addiction, "control" is an illusion. You are, indeed, past that invisible line. You need to recognize that. Drop the excuses, drop the justifications - and see the picture for what it is. It's addiction.
What MetalDuck said might hurt to hear - but he is speaking the truth. I know you don't want to hear that. But our loved ones feel absolutely BETRAYED when they find out we've been hiding and lying about our drug use. Some of our loved ones will try to be supportive, and help us to get clean. Some will disappear and give up. I can assure you, the result will be worse if he finds out accidentally. It is always better to "come clean" (pardon the pun) on our own, than to let him find out some other way. It's ok to say, "I've developed a problem with the pain pills - they were given to me for pain, but I think it's gotten out of hand and I need help to stop." That's far better than trying to explain yourself when he finds some pills - or overhears something - or sees you stumble and slur your words.
You have a disease. This is something that is wired differently inside of us, something that began in our genes. We had NO way of knowing we had this genetic disposition until normal medication use crossed into abuse. By then, it's like catching a racing train, trying to stop it before you're on a nightmare of a long ride.
What fills the void? First off, the pills themselves lend themselves toward depression. The more you take, the longer you take, the more it will trigger depression - then you'll take more to relieve the depression, and ultimately feel worse. You'll be in a "catch 22" of epic proportions. When we are routinely taking these kinds of narcotics, our brain chemistry becomes altered; we are no longer able to utilize the neuro-transmitters like dopamine and seratonin, that regulate our moods. We have to stop the drugs completely - for our brains to recuperate.
The next part of filling the void comes in working a recovery program. Our drug use is only a symptom of deeper, underlying issues. Through working a 12-step program (like NA or AA), we are able to look within, we are able to see where the problems lie, and we are able to work through them. It may sound like a huge chore to you right now, but it is not. We take it a step at a time, we have lots of support of others going through it, and we find hope early on. We see there is a light at the end of the tunnel when we see those around us transformed by this recovery process.
That void is gone for me - replaced by hope, love, faith. Replaced by self-esteem and self-respect, earned by living my life honestly, without secrets. I walked around for years with that 'hole' in my soul, and thought it would never leave me. It can and it will. But it takes effort and time. Until the pills are completely gone (as well as any other mood-altering, addictive chemical), we can't begin to see how. The drugs are handicapping you and fueling that void. You see the 'buzz' the pills give initially - but, in truth, over time, it's quite the opposite that is occurring.
You are beginning to recognize the problem early - and your relationship is intact. Now is the time to address it, before your life falls apart. That's what addiction does - it shatters lives. It may be a week - a month - or a year or more - but it will shatter yours, until you face it and deal with it.
My prayers are with you. I hope you'll continue to post.
I'd prefer to see someone clean and sober - and cursing me because I told them what they needed to hear ~
rather than see someone still lost in addiction - and liking me because I told them what they wanted to hear.
I want to apologize if I came off too harsh. It has been brought to me attention by another member that some of my posts have come off as angry. I'm hoping I haven't offended anybody I've written to. I can assure you that it didn't come from an angry, or negative place. I can see where the "tone" of my posts might seem that way, but I promise it's not. I always find it easier to get through the stuff that people won't want to hear, but need to hear first. That way we can get past it early and focus on things that can be done to fix problems. It's hard to see stuff right in front of our faces when we are in active addiction. Or even during recovery, as has been the case for me.
I'm an addict. I have hurt the people I love the most in this world. Coming to terms with it has been a long, painful, drawn out process for me. Partly because I don't want to cause more pain, and partly because I'm still struggling to learn to come to grips with it. Some of the stuff I did was revolting, and coming to terms with it makes it real. I can't just sweep it under the rug and forget about it. Asdicta have a lot of contempt for themselves. It is a difficult life style for everybody involved.
Again, I apologize if you thought I was being cold, or mean. I would like to keep posting, and helping you out in any way I can, if you'd like. If not, tell me and I'll back out.
I am quoting not only this but also the other reply from ARTIST658, i'm upset my post was deleted!! It was really long too. I am not offended at all by anything either of you have said, I really needed to hear it ans I'm glad someone around here is telling willing to support me. First, I've justified my pill use right now with the fact that my fiance lives in Virginia and I live in Washington. We won't be living with each other for another year so In a way I feel like I could take that year and really give it my all and kick these pills before I have to move wherever he gets deployed next, or i can keep using for a year and go cold turkey when we move.... yeah i already know the better choice. It's so hard to chose that choice though.
Originally Posted by MetalDuckMFC
it's really calming to hear that, that live does in fact exist. Did you ever feel like nothing exciting would ever happen again?
Originally Posted by ARTIST658
Its not hard to make that choice....what means more to you? Him or the pills? If you say "the pills" then you aren't ready.
If you say "Him" then you can do it. If you say "My life is more important than the pills" then you'll get through this. And we'll all be here for you.
So...what's it gonna be?
Yes... I wondered what the point to life was just a few months ago. Nothing made me happy. I was dead inside. After just 17 days, its all coming back. It will for you too.
Originally Posted by iLovePerks2
Trust me, I understand the frustration of long posts getting deleted. I'm sure I have the most posts deleted here. You have to try to watch the language. This is a "family" message board, so the language needs to be clean. I do it a lot without even realizing it until it gets deleted. Like I said, I do it for emphasis, nothing else.
Your post relieved me, though. I thought you were angry and wouldn't come back. Thank you for taking it at face value. I'm sorry I misunderstood your post. I thought you were already living with him. A year is more than enough time, but you still have to commit 110%. You need to be in a position where relapse will not happen when you're living together. Not only for yourself, but for his well being.
Being a DEA agent is a big deal. I'm sure he has worked very hard to get there. I know that they are under more restrictions than most law enforcement agencies because of what they specialize in. This isn't my business, and I'm not asking you, but it wouldn't be good if somebody saw that you've had previous drug related charges. I don't know if you do, of course. If you don't, then good. Keep it that way.
He is lucky to have found someone willing to make such a drastic life change for him. He must be worth it to you. Always remember that. When the cravings hit, or life starts to happen. He was worth getting clean for, and changing your entire life for. He's worth STAYIMG clean for. As far as telling him, that's not my choice or business. That's entirely up to you. If he needs to know, tell him. I don't know what I would do in that position.
Good luck. You'll find a lot of support here, I promise. Post any time, about anything. I use my own thread as a punching bag sometimes. Something comes up that really, really angers me, and I will go to my thread and rant and rant and rant until I'm calm and ready to look at the problems rationally. It isn't healthy to keep that stuff bottled down. We've all been there, and I can promise you that no one here will judge you.
My life partner and my life is wayyyyyyyyy more important to me than pain medication. I just got home from my first N.A meeting, and everyone there also made the same points that you all did. I really feel like Jesus pushed me to post on this forum, and then carried me to the N.A meeting. I'm really missing the relationship I used to have with him... i really hope this is my wake up call.
Originally Posted by Sickofit13
Samantha, I'm proud of you! Already been to a meeting and helping Joe on his thread. You're gonna be OK! Keep posting and let us know if we can help.
Oh also...i saw on Joe's thread that you use chiropractic to help with your pain. I have herniated discs in my lower back and I recently tried acupunture. I have no idea how it works, and i was very skeptical, but boy does it help! If you can find someone in your area, I highly recommend it!
NA plus this forum is pretty much as good a combo as they come!
Thank you! I have gotten relief from acupuncture but nothing compares to a good old crackin from my chiro. I stopped going because I was depending on pills but I feel so much better going back. I realized my only physical withdraw symptom is an achy spine... i hope it subsides.
Originally Posted by Sickofit13
Your pain will subside...Mine got worse during the first few days of C/T. Your brain is screaming at you to take a pill! My pain now is different than it was and I'm finding other ways to deal with it.
Its not fun, but its do-able.
opiate pain is bad, but it goes away....trust me.
actually for me it was one of the first things to settle down....
sleep comes last, sigh, but you will read how everyone struggles with that and we have all made it thru....
hang tight....gets better!
Samantha, it's awesome to see how well you're doing. Good job on that meeting. It took me a long time to make that step. It did for most of us, actually. I always say this, because it's true, but I wish I had gone since day 1. The moment I was recommended to by ARTIST, Robert, cheeky, and everyone else here. I could have saved myself so much trouble. This is going to give you an enourmas advantage. You have to keep doing it, though. You need to go every day, if possible. You need to really work the program. If you do, you'll be absolutely ready for Joe within the year, I'm sure.
Your next step needs to be, obviously, dropping the pills. Entirely. You don't need them. You admit that. A common trend with pain management patients is that, after awhile, the opiates actually add to the pain. It isn't meant to be on forever, you know that. You cannot properly assess your pain levels until you stop taking those pills. Are you going to have to deal with some pain? Yeah, you know that. You'll have to deal with it at some point, I promise. Why not deal with it right now, while you have all these resources available to you? I don't want to nag, or push the point too far, but you know you need to get off these things. Why wait any longer than you have to? You're making the choice to suffer longer by keeping one foot in the door. You need a clean break. Flush them now. Call all dealers and make sure they don't contact you. Even if they're "friends". A lot of my "best friends" were dealers. Ask me how close we are now that I don't buy drugs. Yeah, not in touch in anyway. And I'm glad.
Sorry if that's pushy. We can only advise you what we KNOW will help you. This is what will help you. Nobody here is going to even pretend that you continuing to use drugs is a good idea. It's not. We know that, and so do you. Please make that step. I never physically flushed a stash, but I have talked to a lot of people who have, and they all admit that it was the most empowering moments in their lives. And how could it not be? To physically destroy the thing that has been slowly destroying you. To take power away from the thing that has oppressed you with it's power. I imagine it feels better than they were even capable of describing. Why don't you do it, and you can share with me how awesome it feels? I'd appreciate it more than you know.
that's funny that you say that because I was JUST thinking that. My brain really is screaming at me "TAKE A PILL YOU WILL FEEL WARM AND FUZZY AND HAPPY"
Originally Posted by Sickofit13
so far, I have been strong, and today is day too. I slept for 16 hours last night and I missed my NA meeting this morning that I promised everyone there I would be at... I really hope they don't think I was using. When I was on pills, I never slept, now that i'm off them that's all I can do is sleep. Im going to go to the 7pm meeting tonight, I'm really hoping the same people are there, my anxiety about this is abnormally high.
Hey bobby, thank you for always giving such in detail responses.. I plan on going to meetings each day because I the group I am with has asked each new member to make commitments with the group that we'd come each day so that we can learn what it's like to be loyal to something other than the pills. I don't have any pills I took my last ones when I decided to stop, and I never hit my guy back up for more. I delete 7 numbers out of my phone. It's sad, I didn't even know these dealers names. They were saved as "Vikes" "percocet" Percocet 10s" "Roxi dude" "Double strength Vike girl" like these people were just Pill versions of an ATM. I just punched in my pin and out came the pills... kinda like a real cash ATM...
Originally Posted by MetalDuckMFC
Anyways, I am feeling really weird today, I just want to sleep all day and night, and last night I went to sleep at 745pm and slept all the way until 10am today.
I've never had an issue with benzo's and I found a bottle of Clonazepam 1mg from a script I was given for my trip to Haiti a year ago, for flight anxiety. Im using it at night, because that is the time when I want to have pain killers the most. It's really helping. I had my sister drench my back in icy hot cream, I put on a t-shirt, I took an anxiety pill, turned on the heat, turned off all the lights, put a funny movie on, lit some nice smelling candles and just relaxed for the first time in forever.. it felt really good!! I felt at peace. It was nice. thanks for the support!
You can sleep? You're really lucky. Most of us can't sleep in the first few days. Enjoy it!
Originally Posted by iLovePerks2
Do NOT listen to your brain!! Its lying to you! You will not feel warm and fuzzy! You feel sick, sorry and ashamed! Don't listen!!! Hold on!
Keep posting! We'll be here.
I am glad I found your thread today I learned more about you. I am also glad you have not taken (neither have I) and I am glad you found a way to relax. I am rooting for you to stay that way. I am deep in the W/D but not so much physical but mental anxiety. We are in it together to win it. I wish I had access to a meeting daily but I am planning to go to first one this friday.
Hi joe i'm happy to hear from you, you're my buddy on here And yep, we're in this together, you and I, and everyone else rooting for us. I really like this. How are you feeling today? What are your symptoms? Mine are defiantly more mental and emotional than physical. The only physical WD symptom I have is an achy spine, the rest is all in my head, which is causing some anxiety for me, but talking to people who are going through this too, like you, really helps. I wish I could meet you, and everyone else in person so we could all see each other. I am a visual person, and like to know what people look like so I can picture who I am talking too But anyways, the NA meetings have been great for me personally, I am being held accountable to come to meetings and no one "babies" each other which is great, because I feel like people who are early in their recovery expect people to hold their hand, and I have found, being pushed and taking advice and asking for help is more beneficial. How's your day overall? Have you been able to sleep? I was also wondering, have you talked to your Dr. about quitting pills?
Originally Posted by icjoe
I don't want to rain on the parade Samantha but I'm curious to know what the plan is in regards to telling your fiance about the progression of your problem?
In your original post you talk about the sadness that comes with quitting. I relate to that. For me it felt like I was literally mourning the death of a close loved one. That passes, relatively quickly as well. I'm glad you've started NA as I've seen that addiction isn't the cause of anything, it is just the outcome of deeper issues. Group therapy and 12 steps programs can really help you build your spiritual strength and identify the things in your life that you couldn't cope with or weren't properly fulfilling.
Whatever you decide to do with your partner know this: truth is liberating. How can you properly love someone who you can't be honest with? Trust me I know how scary it is to come clean about this with the person you love but doing it will help strengthen you and empower you more than you know. He, and yourself, will have a lot of respect for your courage and strength and (hopefully) he'll be able to quickly forgive your weaknesses and see that you're changing your life for the better.
Sorry for the delay life happens. As of 30 minutes ago I am 72 hours clean. My day was ok I had some mental hurdles to overcome and the occasional anxiety pops its ugly head from time to time. I have been sleeping well but me and you are light users and like you said mental not physical. I would love to meet you and some of the people on here but for now I am very glad to have a friend here to just be there. I am here for you as well. How was your day and how is your appetite? I started taking a vitamin because I thought I would lose my appetite but I haven't yet. How is your energy level?
I have not seen my Dr lately but I never told my Dr when I did see him. Mostly because I didn't want to quit at the time.
I am in Michigan so same time zone. I am signing off but hope to hear back from you soon.
Day 3!!! Nice work my friend! Keep it up!
Originally Posted by icjoe