[mommy3]

Well guys I had been clean for a while till 8 cysts popped up and I had to have them removed. And guess what the doc prescribed to me, yep vicodin, my drug of choice. I was in sooo much pain and couldnt even walk so it was basically a " have to" at the time. He has had me on them for about a month and the pain stopped about 2 weeks ago but I still continued to take them, more than prescribed, as usual. After all that clean time why would I do this to myself all over again? Not to just myself but to my family. Breaking the promise I made to myself and to God. Will God still forgive me? Instead of going for a refill again I said no more and today is day one. Of course, I'm going through the normal symptoms, diarhea, emotional, no energy. I don't understand, why can't i just be like a normal person and not have this disease? Why can't I just be normal like alot of people? I had even quit smoking ciggs for quite sometime before I got put on the pain pills again. Once I was on them, i started smoking again, bummer. I guess I know why this happend, because of my history, because I am an addict. I cannot even say that without crying. Knowing that part of me has let my children down, yet again. Any advice would be helpful, thankyou guys.

[becca1988]

I don't have any advice, I'm very new and only three days clean. Hang in there. Moment to moment. I know I want to give in every single second. Haven't yet, but who knows. Just know that you can do it because you have before.

[Robert_325]

Originally Posted by mommy3

Well guys I had been clean for a while till 8 cysts popped up and I had to have them removed. And guess what the doc prescribed to me, yep vicodin, my drug of choice. I was in sooo much pain and couldnt even walk so it was basically a " have to" at the time. He has had me on them for about a month and the pain stopped about 2 weeks ago but I still continued to take them, more than prescribed, as usual. After all that clean time why would I do this to myself all over again? Not to just myself but to my family. Breaking the promise I made to myself and to God. Will God still forgive me? Instead of going for a refill again I said no more and today is day one. Of course, I'm going through the normal symptoms, diarhea, emotional, no energy. I don't understand, why can't i just be like a normal person and not have this disease? Why can't I just be normal like alot of people? I had even quit smoking ciggs for quite sometime before I got put on the pain pills again. Once I was on them, i started smoking again, bummer. I guess I know why this happend, because of my history, because I am an addict. I cannot even say that without crying. Knowing that part of me has let my children down, yet again. Any advice would be helpful, thankyou guys.

This is not the end of the world. Your family and God will both forgive you. This can be a good lesson for you to learn that you just can't take vidodin. I had to relapse before I learned my lesson. It's a sad fact that most of us end up relapsing. That is just what we do. Just don't forget this. I know that I have had to have teeth cut out with no pain meds because I relapsed following dental work. I justified it because of my pain. Doesn't matter if I have pain or not. I can't take Vicodin or any opiates. If I had surgery and had no choice someone else would have to hold my pills and dispense them to me.

Hold your head up and stop again. You know what it takes. You know about how many days you will be sick and all that. Just do it. Stay in touch and let us know how you are doing. Anyone can stop taking pills. It's the staying stopped that is the difficult part. God bless.

[mommy3]

I know what i have to do, its doing it thats the hard part. Addiction surrounds me in my family, mother, aunt, grandmother, father, uncle and so on. Thanks for replying to my post Robert. I was hoping to hear from you. The thing thats hitting me the hardest is the emotional part..

[money_chick]

Mommy, I recently detoxed qnd then relaqpsed. It just happens. Just get yourself up, and go on with it.

Of course God will forgive you. Why shouldnt he? Hang on.

[mommy3]

thanks for all the support, i really need it. My husband works full time and I am a full time mother of 3. All very young and energetic. Right now they think I just have the flu. I feel horrible for letting them down and also letting myself down. It takes all i have to get up to take care of them. I feel very emotional. My 3 year old came up to me and said, mommy I love you, you are my bestfriend. I started bawling my eyes out and she ran and got me a tissue and wiped my tears and told me not to cry because its a "happy day" today!! Couldnt ask for a better angel. I just feel very alone right now and need you guys more than ever.

[money_chick]

You arent alone. And look at wds like you would an illness- it will end soon.

You arent a bad mother because you have a vice or a weakness. You just have to recognize that about yourself and keep trying to conquer it.

BTW, when I detoxed, my husband didnt know either. I did it only with the support I got here. You can pull through this next few days, and then take it a day at a time. Or an hour, or a minute. Whatever it takes.

I'm clean today, and thats a good day.

[mommy3]

what was your drug of choice and how long were you on it? How many days have you been clean?

[money_chick]

Originally Posted by mommy3

what was your drug of choice and how long were you on it? How many days have you been clean?

Loratb, close t ten of the 10mg a day. I used every single day for over a year but had used any opiate I could get my hands on for years before. Today is my first clean birthday since... well... I cant remember.

I've been clean nearly a month, not counting a short relapse.

How are you today?

[Robert_325]

Happy Birthday !!! Hope you have a great day today.

I remember my first clean birthday. It's strange how when we are using we think we can't do a birthday clean, or a holiday clean, or go anywhere clean.

Having a month clean is cool. The relapse was just part of your process. It took me to relapse too after having almost four years clean. That really made me feel stupid and it scared me. Shows we always have to stay vigilant.

[money_chick]

Today is one month clean, and my birthday. Cool.

[mommy3]

Happy Birthday!! and one month clean is alot.. in my opinion. everyday clean is alot too.

about me, well its going on day 2 and I feel a little bit better today, went to the store and got that 5 hour energy shot that you drink. We will see how it goes. I slept lastnight but tossed and turned and woke up quite a bit. Going to try and get some house cleaning done to keep myself busy. Thanks guys for helping me get through this, again....

[mommy3]

hey robert, you said you relapsed after 4 years clean?? what happend? and what did you relapse on?

[mommy3]

well its 4 pm and i feel like ********************...cravings are the worst, you know, the emptying of the purses and going through the cabinets... when will it stop!!!!!! Dont think my cravings were this bad last time..these are horrible right now... please help me...I'm losing it

[Robert_325]

Originally Posted by mommy3

well its 4 pm and i feel like ********************...cravings are the worst, you know, the emptying of the purses and going through the cabinets... when will it stop!!!!!! Dont think my cravings were this bad last time..these are horrible right now... please help me...I'm losing it

When I relapsed it was like I had never stopped using. My problem was as least as bad as it was before I stopped or worse. It's happening for you just like it does for most people. Don't lose it. You can do it again. Just make it last this time.

You asked about me relapsing. It happened after I had some serious dental surgery. Thought I had to have pain meds. I had previously detoxed off a ton of oxy and it had been years so I thought I would be safe with lorcets ... WRONG! In no time at all I was taking 40 lorcets a day along with 20 plus somas and about 5 xanax bars and 8mg of klonopin. That happened in a matter of a couple weeks. We can go downhill fast with a relapse. I don't even want to have to clean up again. Think I will just stay clean from now on.

[money_chick]

Do NOT dig through purses.... dont o that! It makes the cravings worse, so much worse. Go for a walk, get some air, clean a closet or the windows, put on the stereo, just MOVE.

Don't think. I put a rubber band on my wrist and when I started having the thoughts of what if... well, I snapped myself on the wrist.


Hang on. You got this thing.

[mommy3]

thanks for all the words of encouragement... cant tell you what it means to me. ALOT! I know i shouldnt dig through stuff looking for just one pill...i know thats horrible. I will try the rubber band thing now...see if that works..its been almost 48 hours clean so we will see i guess. thanks again guys.

[mommy3]

Well its been over 60 hours and im still blah.... my husband is giving me emotional support because he knows i didnt just go out and do this on purpose, i actually had minor surgery and had to take them. I still fill like im in a fog and the cravings are still there. hope to hear from ya'll.

[mommy3]

well today is day 4..i made it this far..
Yesterday I actually cleaned up the backyard, did some laundry, dishes, cooked dinner and all. Was pretty suprised actually.
I'm still battleing a few cravings here and there and alot of the mental part of being sober but I know I can do this.
Well hope to hear from you guys, makes everyday even better for me.

[AKDirtyHeaven]

Hey I just wanted to say you are doing real good there sweetie and you stay sticking with it! The key thing for me whenever i had to do something similar not that i have the same set of problems but similar things. When I got to face a demon more or less I dont think about that demon or the possibility of it winning or any bad anything at all. Instead I make my mind keep picture me winning and life getting better and i keep making myself do random things until Ive finally got what i wanted to happen and its in the rearview mirror. Dont want to give power to the stuff troubling you by thinking about it so think about what you DO want. I know it sounds ridiculous but it honestly works without fail ever 100 per cent of the time. If I can walk away from my old life you can definitely kick a couple little habits

[Robert_325]

Originally Posted by mommy3

well today is day 4..i made it this far..
Yesterday I actually cleaned up the backyard, did some laundry, dishes, cooked dinner and all. Was pretty suprised actually.
I'm still battleing a few cravings here and there and alot of the mental part of being sober but I know I can do this.
Well hope to hear from you guys, makes everyday even better for me.

Hi Mommy ... glad you are up to day four again. I know it's been a drag doing this all again but hopefully you learned something important from your relapse. When I relapsed I had it verified that I can't take opiates again ... at least not in any type of uncontrolled environment where I dispense opiate medication to myself. If I have to take them for medical reasons I have to protect me from myself. Not taking opiates is a small price we pay for having our lives back. I really believe you will be successful this time. Like I have said before this has simply been part of your process, we all have to go through our own different things in recovery as individuals. You are doing great.

[vduda]

Mommy,

Your right about this being a disease. And don't be so hard on yourself. Of course God forgives you. Look I just went through the same thing after being clean for almost a year. A few weeks after leaving Robert's house when we were in the mountains of California I thought I was passing a Kidney stone. Of course, I had brought morphine and oxycodone just in case. Well, I did the morphine for about a week and ran out, but I had convinced myself I would be fine. Sure, you know what happened the withdrawals came on like a tidal wave and we were in Santa Cruz. Then I started taking the percs so I could function. We were on the road another week or so and I was taking 6 a day just so I wouldn't get sick. When I got home I tapered within 3 days or so and went through a few bad nights. I prayed that God would take this from me...and this might sound corny, but he took all the pain away. The next day I felt fine. It was hard to grasp. A few days before I couldn't even get out of bed. And yesterday I started cycling again and road 20 miles. I believe in miracles. Ask and you shall receive... And that is what I did. So once again I am an overcomer because God is with me. And from what I have read on your post God is with you also. You'll be ok. Many times we hurt ourselves the most...so forgive yourself and know that this suffering is temporary, but God's love is eternal. He will dry your tears and take that heavy burden from you. I will pray for you and pray for me. We are all part of the same body. God Bless.

VJ

[money_chick]

Didnt it feel great to get that stuff done sober? You really were shocked huh? You're doing great..... I'm so proud of you.

I'm battling hard today myself. *sigh*

[hopefulgirl]

Ok, hi Mommy3 & Robert, ya'll remember me? Well, I too started using again, and the fear of the hell i will go through is what has prob kept me from stopping again, that & the fact that I like the pills alot. Anyway, I know it will only last for about 4-5 days, but its easy to say it wasnt that bad once u go through it, I would like to stop b4 my daughter starts Kindergarten, which is next month, she will also turn 5 next month & her baby brother will turn 1 next month. I do not want to be addicted to these things ne more!!!!!!! I am going to try & go cold turkey again 2morrw, i will keep ya'll posted & let u know how i'm doing, it got ahold of me so fast again, please kep me in ya'lls prayers & write to me, i know it helped me alot last time, just dont anyone give up on me!! I can handle the physical part I just do not want the fckng mental part of it!! (depression), that sucks the worse!!!!!!!!!!!!Thank you to everyone on here, i just decided to get back on here & now i want to be clean again, just next time i will not quit posting thinking i have this ******************** nipped in the bud!!! CAUSE I DONT

[hopefulgirl]

Oh yeah & Mommy3, i am here for u, no one is perfect, we all make misstakes, but our little babies need us to be the best mommies we can be for them, u will be in my prayers!!!!!! Keep ur head up, we will do this together, k.......

[mommy3]

Well its day 5, didnt do much of anything yesterday, had no energy at all so just sat around.

Thanks guys for all of your support and you are all in my prayers. I hope today is better than yesterday.

Hopeful, i know what you mean about liking the pills, especially with children, they make you super human mommy that can do the work of 3 people. But I noticed they gave me so much energy that I wasnt sitting down with my children and reading a book to them or just having one on one time with them....I was always on the go, do this do that, cleaning..... so on. They really didnt have a better mommy, with the pills our babies get put " on the back burner" . And if you are anything like me, NO ONE or NOTHING comes before my babies. Because guess what, no one can ever take care of your babies like their own mother can. I will keep you in my prayers and let us know how you are doing.

[Robert_325]

Hi Hopefulgirl. Yes we remember you. I was asking mommy3 about you a day or so ago. Sorry you relapsed but glad you are back.

It's ironic that every person on this thread has relapsed. It puts this thing in perspective that it can happen to anyone with any amount of clean time. Those on this thread have relapsed with weeks clean or a couple months to a year to almost four years.

One thing I have learned from relapse is that I know I can't take opiates even if I hurt. I have to find another way. If I have surgery and there is no choice then someone else has to dispense them to me. That was how I relapsed following an oral surgery. I was taking 40 lorcets a day again within two weeks after almost four years clean. Was like I had never stopped before. The difference for me this last time cleaning up and staying clean has been my relationship with Christ. I really suggest to those who are struggling to ask for help. You have nothing to lose but a really bad habit.

Hope everyone has a positive weekend with detoxing and turning things around again. God bless.

[hopefulgirl]

Hi everyone, I have about 10 pills left & am super depressed right now. I am going to try to go as long as I can 2morrow without taking one, I feel i have reached my breaking point again!! I just turbed 32 & want so much more for myself & my kids....I am going to get down on my knees tonight & ask GOD to remove this from me....Do ya'll think my withdrawals will be as bad as before?? I hope not, but oh well, I'm ready to turn my life around, this time for good!!! I have a probation appointment Monday morning, if I have a prescription, do u think i will get into trouble?? I hope not, ne way, keep me in ya'lls prayers as I will ya'll in mine!! Thank you

[sisterwin2]

Originally Posted by mommy3

Well its day 5, didnt do much of anything yesterday, had no energy at all so just sat around.

Thanks guys for all of your support and you are all in my prayers. I hope today is better than yesterday.

Hopeful, i know what you mean about liking the pills, especially with children, they make you super human mommy that can do the work of 3 people. But I noticed they gave me so much energy that I wasnt sitting down with my children and reading a book to them or just having one on one time with them....I was always on the go, do this do that, cleaning..... so on. They really didnt have a better mommy, with the pills our babies get put " on the back burner" . And if you are anything like me, NO ONE or NOTHING comes before my babies. Because guess what, no one can ever take care of your babies like their own mother can. I will keep you in my prayers and let us know how you are doing.

Mommy,,,, hang in there. I feel for you. I stayed clean from 2000 to 2004... .. when I pick up again in 2004 it only took two weeks and I was the junkie I remember I always am. I just cried reading your thread. My prayers are with you. U are strong. Your willing to go thru the wd again.

[mommy3]

Well this morning I woke up and for some reason was very very sad. Cried most of the morning. The mornings are what seem the hardest for me. I just spoke with Robert about that. I just cant seem to get motivated. So what helps you guys get motivated in the morning? Maybe I can try something new and see if it works, Robert suggested working out.