[Eha1215]

Hi,
I will try to keep the story as brief as possible. My boyfriend of almost 5 years has been addicted to marijuana for the past 2 years. It was a great struggle to even get him to graduate highschool. He's 19 and adopted, his biological parents were both drug addicts and his mother passed away when he was only 3. The family that raised him is a good family that has tried and tried to raise him well and be supportive. I've been pretty supportive myself and tried to be there for him when we found out about his addiction whereas most people would've never gotten involved. He was a great kid, but ever since he began using he's a completely different person. He's been to rehab then got kicked out, was attending meetings then stopped, and it seemed for a second that he was getting his life straight after high school but again he relapsed. Finally, he moved to where I live in a city that is about an hour away from our hometown to start brand new and attend college. I helped him out a lot with finding a job, a place, and helping him figure out school and be an adult. For months I couldn't quite figure out why he seemed to want less and less time with me and he got angered quickly. He seemed to be pretty good at flipping the script on me when we fought and I found myself apologizing and always being the one trying to work things out between us. Then a week ago, I went to look for him, concerned because I hadn't heard from him and walked into an apartment full of trash, clothes and cig packets everywhere, marijuana, and a guy that wasn't supposed to be there supposedly sharing the room with him. I freaked out and called his mom who told me she had somewhat of a clue of what was going on. Basically, I was the witness to her suspicion now. She's decided to cut all communication with him and not help him anymore with anything. He never bothered to communicate with me, just with her, and he ended up being nasty and rude to her and hung up. They havent talked since that last time. He's never called me at all either, neither to say sorry or to yell at me like he usually did. I feel like he hates me right now and it hurts that he wont even talk to me. I know that the best thing I can do for him and myself is to leave it alone and focus on myself, yet I'm finding it very hard to deal with the anxiety of not knowing if he's okay and not quite understanding why he would continuously lie and keep me around?! I'm really confused, not being able to find any logical explanation as to why someone would prefer to live in a pig sty and not doing anything w/ their lives as compared to having a caring family, girlfriend, an education, and a good life and future. Any advice or ideas on how to cope will be greatly appreciated! I feel a constant heartache even though this is not the first time he falls into his addiction....

[SHAMAN316]

What most struck a chord with me in your post is your statement about always being the one to apologize. I know I did this myself... the feeling bad for words spoken, for my own passive-aggressive behavior motivated by a lack of 'true' intimacy, and the simple fact of just wanting to know the 'truth' about what was effecting MY life.

The thing about loving an addict, in my opinion, is this... we are clinging to 'normal' or 'right' values, struggling to maintain a functional relationship amidst the secrets, half-truths, and outright lies that accompany the disease of addiction. And though not 'perfect' myself, a part of me, my inner voice, insisted I cling to MY own values and beliefs. Point being, embrace as you've never known what is 'right' and what is YOU and do not deviate from it. Educate yourself regarding the dynamics of addiction as it sounds though you are being painfully educated firsthand. You'll learn that though the specifics differ, our stories as loved ones share a striking similarity.

There is a story I've heard of a woman that seeks counsel because her husband has suffered from addiction for 20+ years of the marriage. Her question to the psychiatrist is not, "What's wrong with HIM"?, but rather, "What's wrong with ME"?, as to why SHE stays in the marriage. We all have different tolerances, but honestly ask yourself why it's so important you 'fix' him when he doesn't appear to want 'fixed'.

Learn to NOT apologize for wanting something greater... learn when to 'let go'... the battle against addiction is one often lost until the addict wants it for themselves. Don't soften his 'bottom' in your pursuit to 'help'.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

[Eha1215]

I agree with me clinging to my own values and what I know is right while trying to make this relationship fit into that...it's crazy. I do ask myself what's wrong with ME for sticking around and still feeling that he loves me and I shouldn't give up on him. It's crazy because like I said, I've not heard from him at all and I'm wondering why. I expected at least a phone call from him either making up some excuse or yelling at me and blaming me for getting caught once more. Yet nothing...the days have gone by and nothing. Should I really think he doesn't care for me at all? Is this a common addict's behavior?

Originally Posted by SHAMAN316

What most struck a chord with me in your post is your statement about always being the one to apologize. I know I did this myself... the feeling bad for words spoken, for my own passive-aggressive behavior motivated by a lack of 'true' intimacy, and the simple fact of just wanting to know the 'truth' about what was effecting MY life.

The thing about loving an addict, in my opinion, is this... we are clinging to 'normal' or 'right' values, struggling to maintain a functional relationship amidst the secrets, half-truths, and outright lies that accompany the disease of addiction. And though not 'perfect' myself, a part of me, my inner voice, insisted I cling to MY own values and beliefs. Point being, embrace as you've never known what is 'right' and what is YOU and do not deviate from it. Educate yourself regarding the dynamics of addiction as it sounds though you are being painfully educated firsthand. You'll learn that though the specifics differ, our stories as loved ones share a striking similarity.

There is a story I've heard of a woman that seeks counsel because her husband has suffered from addiction for 20+ years of the marriage. Her question to the psychiatrist is not, "What's wrong with HIM"?, but rather, "What's wrong with ME"?, as to why SHE stays in the marriage. We all have different tolerances, but honestly ask yourself why it's so important you 'fix' him when he doesn't appear to want 'fixed'.

Learn to NOT apologize for wanting something greater... learn when to 'let go'... the battle against addiction is one often lost until the addict wants it for themselves. Don't soften his 'bottom' in your pursuit to 'help'.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

Those are some great words of wisdom amd they don't just deal with addiction . Often women wonder "What's wrong with me ? " from infidelity ,apathy in a marrige , physical and emotional abuse , problems with children ,sex , etc.. I certainly don't know the answer as it takes me alot to say " I give " but I have learned that nothing ever changes when you keep doing the same thing. If I had my life to do over I'd say " I give " early on .

[Psyched]

WOW!!! Shaman, that was a mouthful. Maybe you should think of changing your id to wise shaman. Eha, like Shaman was saying, there is nothing wrong with YOU...people tend to deal with the problems of others from their own personal history and experiences. Obviously you've been taught to be kind and caring...that's why it's so darn hard (and painful) for you to just walk away and let HIM go. If you'd grown up being taught that it was okay to be selfish or cold, you probably wouldn't give a flip about the situation. Like the others have said, you can't FIX anyone else's problems; hell, sometimes it's all we can do to fix our own nevermind those of others. You see the situation as "not normal" and needing to be "fixed" whereas your friend sees it as "normal" and probably "not broken". Admittedly, it is hard to stand by and watch those we care about drive themselves to ruin, but in the end all we can do is be supportive when and if those in need decide to turn to us for help. Please, don't beat yourself up over this because it's not your fault. I hope this helps somewhat. Good luck. P.S. In regards to him "flipping the script", it's MUCH easier to blame others for what's wrong than to accept responsibility.

[SHAMAN316]

Thanks for your kind words everyone.

Eha,

To answer your questions... yes to all. Addicts commonly 'flip the script', play the blame game, and disappear when 'obstacles' such as accountability and 'truth' threaten the relationship with the drug-of-choice, as THAT relationship is the most important.

It is crazy-making trying to determine what someone else is thinking if they aren't willing to share vulnerably and openly... the 'walls' people put up to impede vulnerability and honesty are Red Flags in relationships for me now. I can't expend my energy trying to 'know' why someone isn't willing to share openly... all I have to know is that they aren't willing... and though I can't pull someone up to my level, I certainly know they can pull me down to theirs if I keep beating my head against their 'walls'.

To know if he loves you or not can't be answered by me... he may very well. But what is the QUALITY of that love right now? It isn't possible for someone in active addiction to love someone else in a quality fashion when they're not even loving themselves in a healthy manner.

I think you're answering your own questions... keep asking them until you can accept your own answers. It's a part of the process toward YOUR recovery as well. It sure can feel crazy, but you're not.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

[Eha1215]

Thank you all for your support.
In response to Psyched, I totally agree with me seeing things as broken whereas he sees them as perfectly fine. He would say that I was pushing him away with my complaints of not seeing him often and he seemed almost surprised when I'd complain about anything in our relationship because he thought everything was fine. And since he was so good at flipping the script, that led me to believe that perhaps I was being too clingy and my "complaints" had no basis. I felt that he was right and I was wrong. He said that my constant nagging (even though we barely talked or saw each other) was what made him be so rude and yell at me or be quick to walk away or hang up the phone. It seemed that over the phone everything was horrible but in person everything was perfectly fine. We never fought in person...he was sweet as could be when we were together in person even if it was for only a few minutes a week.
In respose to Shaman, I know that no one can speak for him and say that he does or does not care for me. I'm just terribly confused and feel the need to know for some reason. Everything indicates that he really doesn't and it breaks my heart. The fact that he never even called me after this last time he got caught makes me feel like I wasnt even good enough to get some sort of explanation or anything! I know it probably is better this way because he most likely will be rude and yell at me rather than give me an explanation but I still wish I could hear from him no matter if it would be him being nice, sorry or absolutely rude. It's very hard for me to not think about this situation. Before because he needed me he'd just come up with some sort of excuse and say he was sorry and wanted to change. But this time not even that which makes me wonder what will happen next? Does it mean this time he doesn't give at all what happens with himself and everyone he's affecting? Should I expect to hear from him eventually or not at all this time?

[Psyched]

Eha,
Sorry, but that's only something he can answer. I don't want to make you feel worse, but you're probably just going to have to let him come to YOU in his time...no one can tell you when or if that might ever happen. If he does and you still feel like supporting him as a friend, then I say go for it. Just don't fall into the trap that most of us do and take him back and start trying to fix things again...it really is a viscious cycle. Be strong and let things work out however they may. God bless and good luck.

[Eha1215]

I understand what you're saying Shaman, something new happened today. I talked to his best friend online. He told me that my boyfriend is upset because I could've gotten him kicked out of his place by telling his mom. I told him he can't expect me to not freak out because of what I found out! Then he says that just because he smokes weed it doesn't change who he is and that he loves me but he can't be honest about his drug use because then me and his family will flip out and make it a big deal. He says that he lies and hides things from me because he knows they are things that I'm not okay with and he doesnt want to lose me. Then he tells me that he understands that I just want from my boyfriend what any girl wants from their man, but this is reality and I've got to let him do his own choices. I have no idea what to think from this?! Please help me interpret this...I dont want to blame myself for anything or something like that!

Originally Posted by Eha1215

I understand what you're saying Shaman, something new happened today. I talked to his best friend online. He told me that my boyfriend is upset because I could've gotten him kicked out of his place by telling his mom. I told him he can't expect me to not freak out because of what I found out! Then he says that just because he smokes weed it doesn't change who he is and that he loves me but he can't be honest about his drug use because then me and his family will flip out and make it a big deal. He says that he lies and hides things from me because he knows they are things that I'm not okay with and he doesnt want to lose me. Then he tells me that he understands that I just want from my boyfriend what any girl wants from their man, but this is reality and I've got to let him do his own choices. I have no idea what to think from this?! Please help me interpret this...I dont want to blame myself for anything or something like that!

I think its pretty clear from the outside that he is saying take it or leave it at this point . I have been down that road before and those that say I had to lie because of your reaction just go on to bigger and more deceitful things . Why does anyone lie -usually to escape the consequences of their behavior . I'm sure he'd lie about cheating also because you'd get upset . If you really think about it you would have a relationship with no true intimacy based on half truths and lies . You would eventually not want to bring anything up so as to keep things on an even keel and I could go on and on about the downward spiral from there but I won't.The truth is he is making no effort at all to be the person you want because he is not . Your only chance at this is to stick to whats right for you and do not compromise your values in the slightest. It doesn't mean he is a bad person or that you are . You are just different people . Stick with what is right in your heart and have the conviction to carry it through. That is what he is doing and I always do the turn around thing here.. What if he was concerned about a potentially dangerous thing you were doing and he talked with you about it. What would you say to him? My guess is that it would matter enough to you and together you could come up with a plan or alternative or would you just dismiss him and say well I guess i have to lie to you know cuz I'm not changing and you'll just get upset. You standing by your beliefs is what character is all about. Perhaps one day he will greatly respect you for that and be willing to make a change or you may look at him in a year from now and think Thank God I got out of that situation . If you do it his way you are compromising yourself and I don't think you will be happy swallowing that and the more to come after he sees you fold. Been there and I did it the wrong way . You can't love someone out of their addictions be supportive ,yes but it seems he is where he want's to be and I'm also sure he will try to take you along for HIS ride. Take care Linda

[Eha1215]

Hi Everyone,
First of all thank you for all your support and advice. I'm glad I can log in and vent out and receive input from people that I feel somewhat understand how I'm feeling and can point me in the right direction. I'm still struggling to get on with my day and life. I feel like all I want to do is sleep and sleep some more. He has pretty much said take it or leave it and it's something that for some reason I can't seem to accept. Him and his friends feel like weed doesnt affect who he is, whereas to me and his family we feel like it completely changes his personality and how he is. He feels like the fact that he supports himself and pays his own bills says alot, and "it's just weed", like we should be thankful he doesnt do something like H or any other drugs. I don't understand that perspective at all...I know American society is pretty accepting of marijuana, I have friends that smoke it and what not, but it doesnt impact them or change them as it does to my boyfriend yet he doesnt feel that way. I know I have no other option than to let this go... I just don't really know how...I've even come to think that maybe I'm in the wrong?

[SHAMAN316]

"I've even come to think that maybe I'm in the wrong".

Not only does your boyfriend appear to be functioning with all the dynamics of addiction, but you are also suffering from all the dynamics of someone who loves an addict. Your quote above is textbook... and I understand completely. Of all the things I've struggled with most in my own recovery, it is the loss of trust in my own thinking that I've yet to completely resolve. It is such a common consequence of loving an addict. I can truly say that, over the course of my life, I've allowed too many people/external factors to confuse my life. In retrospect, it is those times that I denied or dismissed my instincts, my 'gut', in order to 'keep the peace', avoid the uncomfortable feelings associated with 'confrontation', or consistently give up a 'right' for someone else's wrong... I believe we each have known such moments. Point being, don't let a moment of, "I've even come to think that maybe I'm in the wrong.", become an hour, a day, or a lifetime of doubting your own thinking. I agree with brndout... this is about YOUR character... and our character becomes more flexible each time we shift our values to appease external forces.

The presentation of trying to make you accountable is also textbook. It's a little more savvy and appears slightly rational, on an emotionally immature level. He's placing the blame on you with the faint inference that you are being controlling. My instinct is, and I've played this game before, that therein lies the catch... it creates a measure of doubt in you... "Maybe I am being controlling." In fact, Eha, he is attempting to control you. It's a form of abuse and also speaks to his disappearnce... "If you don't 'act right', then I'll withdraw my emotional connection to you." It's 'punishment' for your failure to back down or shift your values. Just my opinion, however, cause there are only two things I know for sure in life...

1) There IS a God, and,

2) I ain't Him.

Don't minimize that profound personality change your witnessing. That too is a strong indication of the level his marijauna use has reached.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

Originally Posted by SHAMAN316

"I've even come to think that maybe I'm in the wrong".
I meant the married to my ex part for SHAMEN-yours is following in his footprints
Not only does your boyfriend appear to be functioning with all the dynamics of addiction, but you are also suffering from all the dynamics of someone who loves an addict. Your quote above is textbook... and I understand completely. Of all the things I've struggled with most in my own recovery, it is the loss of trust in my own thinking that I've yet to completely resolve. It is such a common consequence of loving an addict. I can truly say that, over the course of my life, I've allowed too many people/external factors to confuse my life. In retrospect, it is those times that I denied or dismissed my instincts, my 'gut', in order to 'keep the peace', avoid the uncomfortable feelings associated with 'confrontation', or consistently give up a 'right' for someone else's wrong... I believe we each have known such moments. Point being, don't let a moment of, "I've even come to think that maybe I'm in the wrong.", become an hour, a day, or a lifetime of doubting your own thinking. I agree with brndout... this is about YOUR character... and our character becomes more flexible each time we shift our values to appease external forces.

The presentation of trying to make you accountable is also textbook. It's a little more savvy and appears slightly rational, on an emotionally immature level. He's placing the blame on you with the faint inference that you are being controlling. My instinct is, and I've played this game before, that therein lies the catch... it creates a measure of doubt in you... "Maybe I am being controlling." In fact, Eha, he is attempting to control you. It's a form of abuse and also speaks to his disappearnce... "If you don't 'act right', then I'll withdraw my emotional connection to you." It's 'punishment' for your failure to back down or shift your values. Just my opinion, however, cause there are only two things I know for sure in life...

1) There IS a God, and,

2) I ain't Him.

Don't minimize that profound personality change your witnessing. That too is a strong indication of the level his marijauna use has reached.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

You are so right when you say our character becomes more flexible when we shift our values. It is insideous that seed of doubt that he is planting and you are accepting . He knows what he is doing and don't think he doesn't. He'll sit back and wait for you to come and apoligize to him and every time you accept this he becomes more powerful and controlling. These kinds of guys aren't your typical picture of what you think controling is. My guess is he is very bright , good with words , emotionally unavailabe , selfish and probably spoiled and catered to. If you give in to this it will not stop.
Why do you need to categorize it as right or wrong - it is against your beliefs and not his there are plenty of people he can find to get high with and plenty of people who think like you. How would your future be really? If you have children is where the real rub will come and then you have little innocents involved. I know as I lived this and I thought like you and I was dead wrong. He never changed it got worse and worse . I could write a book and i should have gone with my gut . Please don't waste your life on him. Linda The only chance is you sticking to your beliefs and walking away , if there is any hope at all for this it would be the only way. I think it would be temporary on his part but maybe I'm being cynical -I don't think so though

[Eha1215]

Thanks to all for your support...again!
I do feel like I'm struggling with my own instinct and my beliefs vs. what he wants me to think and accept. Tommorrow I will see a therapist to try and figure things out a little better. I met someone today that coincidentially knows my now ex-boyfriend, and told me that he too believes he has a problem. It was a bit ironic because we were talking about my ex without knowing we were talking about the same person! He told me he didn't know him much but he ended the friendship because he felt used by him a lot. It's almost crazy to think that he was such a different guy when he wasn't smoking weed. He would do anything to help anyone out and he was fun, charismatic, intelligent and extremely sweet and caring. I hope to someday see that person again but I'm beginning to feel like there isn't any hope for him when his friends seem to tell him that it's perfectly normal to smoke weed. Why is it that his personality has changed with people like myself and his family yet with his friends he hasn't turned into an a**hole? For those who have been keeping up with this post and can relate, can you tell me some effective ways that you have overcome and in a sense moved on from loving an addict?

[Eha1215]

So I went to therapy. It was great... I see that I'm just holding on to a person that is not there anymore which still makes me a little sad. On top of that I have a cold...so it just keeps raining on my parade but other than that I'm thankful that I'm feeling better. I still feel like I've got a lot of questions and I'm beginning to feel angry about the situation. I feel like what's happening is really not fair. I don't want to have feelings for this guy anymore...

[SHAMAN316]

Eha,

I'm glad to hear the therapy session went well. Keep that up if it's working for you.

You can probably expect to have lots of questions to come. Just remember and work on accepting that these may be unanswered. An addict, especially an active addict, isn't going to suddenly start offering truth. Truth and honesty are enemies of addiction, but they are foundations of solid recovery.

You can also expect your feelings to be all over the place. And anger is a part of your recovery process. Our feelings are like road sings... stop, go, yield, train xing (which if struck buy one feels very much like getting 'struck' by an addict.) Anger isn't something we should avoid feeling. It is often a 'secondary emotion', telling us if something deeper is going on... fear, shame, guilt, or that we may be harmed.

For example, in my family of origin, my anger wasn't affirmed despite my brother, who is now a recovering addict, trampling all over my boundaries. Therefore, and for a long time, I felt bad when I became angry. What I didn't understand is that my anger may also protect me by telling me I need to stand-up for my values and make decisions, when others won't, that protect me.

What you're experiencing is perfectly 'normal'. The only answers you may get, unfortunately, are the answers within. I know it is difficult and had always minimized 'closure', but understand all too well the turmoil when someone you care deeply about 'packs it in' and doesn't offer rational explanation, when they abandon leaving only questions. It is so often the pathology of the disease of addiction.

The journey now forced upon you is in becoming a wiser and more spiritual version of you. You will be better off for it and, in time with the right efforts, you will manage to find your own closure. Sometimes, the best we can do is look away from the addict by looking into ourselves.

Keep it up, you're doing great.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

[Eha1215]

First, thanks for all the advise and support! I don't seem to like to share what's going on with people in too much detail in regards to how I feel about this situation so the support I've found here makes me feel great.
Today I'm going back to work and hopefully I can focus and do my job. I feel like I have to force myself to do things...schoolwork, exercise, going to work. I just want to have the motivation to do things again! His mother called me again yesterday, just to ask how I was doing. I decided that if she calls me I'll be nice and pick up and try to avoid the subject of her son. She still has no clue of his whereabouts and hasnt been in contact with him. But I've decided I'm not going to be calling her or anything. Not until I'm over it and I have my stuff together and feel good again. I havent called him either...which I'm really surprised. I keep telling myself it's for the best. His old friends for some reason seem to want to have some sort of friendship with me. It seems really odd to me as to why and precisely at this time but I do know that they havent been in contact with my ex in months. I think that perhaps the best thing for me is to avoid anything and anyone that has to do with my ex including them. I have to admit I do feel curiosity to know what he did behind my back this whole time, what else I don't know about. I feel like an addict myself...having to battle thoughts day by day!

[Eha1215]

I think I must be the most inpatient person in the world. Today I've gone back to school and tried my best to keep going and do my work. I've also purchased a great book on co-dependency that has enabled me to think more about myself and the situation I'm going through instead of thinking of him and the situation. I keep picturing myself saying all these things to him and how I would say them, each time being different. I just wish the thinking of this subject would stop as if I could just wake up one day and forget what has happened, maybe even that he exists. Thankfully, he still hasn't contacted me. Perhaps he is really done with me which although it does bother me it is for the best for me. There isn't anything wrong me and I know that. I also know I did what I could and now I have to get back to my life. Most days I've felt really good, except that I wish I could stop thinking about what happened and him. Sometimes I think or remember things that happened whether good or bad, sometimes it's just me thinking about how I should stop thinking overall, each time with a deeper analysis of the particular event or time that comes up. I feel like everything is connected to him somehow such as places or things even ideas...and I want that feeling to stop. I want to stop caring of what he thinks or would think or what he would do or not do or say or not say because that is all now irrelevant to MY person. I guess maybe I'm just trying to find myself because I now clearly see how he was controlling ME. I still love him and wonder if I'll ever stop loving him that way...I still don't want to say that I'll never be with him again even though I know that is probably the best choice. I just want to be strong enough to not look for him... strong enough to not be curious about what he's doing with his life and himself or curious to know if deep inside he cares for me and wishes he could change or that he misses me or something... I want to accept that actions are louder than words and his actions should leave no room for these questions I wonder about... I want to accept that a lot of things will be unanswered in regards to this situation and in regards to life in general.

[SHAMAN316]

Eha,

Sorry for where you are, but again, please remember there is a process to healing... first learn patience with yourself. I too have prayed that one... "God, please hurry-up and teach me patience." But as I grew, the prayer became, "God, please allow me to hear with new ears.", so that my healing became focused on me, the only place I have volitional power to make change. For me, it's about perspective and the ability to maintain a spiritual vision when I am hurting. Often times, we have to struggle before we get the growth.

As an example, I carried tremendous guilt/shame about having told my ex to leave 3 times during the course of our relationship. Life just didn't add-up and when I raised 'issues' such as financial, intimacy, responsibility, etc. I was offered either the deer caught in the headlights response or the discussion became so twisted my head would spin. In turn, I would become so frustrated I would attempt to control/ellicit a response/honesty by telling her to get out. Then, I would apologize only later to realize, "Hey, there was really no resolution to the issue I raised." Upon the 3rd "get out", she took the opportunity, still with no real, 'rational' explanation as to why so many things didn't add-up. The explanations, in fact, sounded very similar to those you've detailed in your situation.

To cut to the chase, I finally realized that though my behavior was unacceptable and not representative of who I claim to be, I was reacting to the unmanageability in my life. My healing came when my perspective changed and I realized that it wasn't ALL about me... those 3 times were distinct opportunites she was given to be honest, to stop the secret-keeping, and to make alternative choices about how she was handling her life, which effected my life. I found forgiveness of myself when I realized I was demanding honesty from someone who wasn't willing to be honest... and who had been given multiple opportunities to change the course of the relationship. The bigger picture is that I've always over-functioned in relationships and, knowing that, the insight carries into present and future relationships.

Take one thing at a time, practice compartmentalizing so it's less overwhelming, and remember we can't get all as quickly as we'd like. Change your thinking... and your feelings will follow. It does become easier as the loss loses its' intensity.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

[Eha1215]

Thank you Shaman... I realize that the best thing I can do is keep on focusing on myself and be patient.
The past couple of days have been a bit difficult. It bothers me that he still hasnt contacted me at all. I dont know why but it just does. And I know he's back from Hawaii (left a couple of days after the incident to go see his best friend) so I know he's actually back in town. I just hope that I'm strong enough to leave it alone and not act upon my impulses of contacting him. I want more than anything to not have this anxiety and stop thinking about him!

[Eha1215]

Not having a good day so far. I miss him terribly. It kills me that he doesnt miss me back or anything. Heard he has plans to move to Hawaii from one of his friends. That really killed me...on top of everything he gets the happy ending. I feel like life's so unfair right now...I'm trying hard not to be concerned about this anymore but it really angers and sadness me mostly for me and his parents.

[farii]

Hey there-sounds to me like you've been doing what you can to help him, and it seems like you're fighting a losing battle...You're doing everything, and he's doing nothing...I by no means am anyone to give advice right now-(you'd see by my posts) but I can offer support. Focus on yourself right now--you don't have kids with him, which makes this tons easier. Not saying its easy by any means, but I think you understand what I'm saying. Try and keep yourself busy with something you enjoy--something that brings you happiness. It will get your mind off him, and if he comes around, it can be on your terms--sheesh, its so much easier to give advice than it is to take it--I'm reading this now, and goin, "oh my gosh, why isn't that what you do?"....Best wishes for you, and take care of yourself---I'll listen if anything.. :0)

[Eha1215]

Thank you farii,
I've felt like you plenty of times before. Able to easily give clear, concise, amazing advise while at the same time struggling to do so for myself. His family and I are close, so when I struggle I call his mom who's had an alcoholic husband and now a drug addict son. She's great though I know she's also heartbroken. She keeps reminding me that he has chosen this and it has nothing to do with us. That there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm an amazing girl who deserves way better. It must've been hard for her to say that about her own child. That comforts me a little bit, though at the same time when I think of all the good times and how much it seemed he loved me I can't believe this is happening and the choices he's making. I'm trying my hardest to accept that I have no control over him. It just breaks my heart that he no longer cares for me and picks drugs over me because we used to have something so good! Everyone would tell us we'd end up getting married...and I really believed that like a true fool! My co-dependency is insane... I'm tired of wishing things were different...I was just so set on him! Anyways, again thank you for your support. I have been trying to keep busy and surround myself with people that are supportive and leading positive lives. Sometimes I just have my bad days like the past two days. Sometimes I feel really great too... but I always...ALWAYS miss him.

[Eha1215]

I need some advice for those willing to give it...
I've been having bad days where all I do is think about the situation and how much I can't understand. I try to talk to people that I know will give me good advice or are willing to listen but I still feel like I'm missing something more to get going every day because of this. I feel like I just want to reach out and talk to him. I want to talk to him about everything...see what he says. Ask him why he hasn't bothered with any of us...what his plans really are...I know it's stupid but I really just feel like I have to because I feel like I need some closure...All of this is extremely hard to get and accept! What should I do? I could very easily locate him and contact him... I just don't know if it'll really help me or not..

[Eha1215]

I still find myself in the debate of whether I should reach out. The majority of people say it's no use...that it might just hurt me more because he may not want to talk at all and if he actually does it'll be hurtful, manipulative things he would say. A part of me constantly reminds me that I need to mind my own business and worry about my own self, that he doesn't want anything from us and he's made his choice. The other part of me feels like we can reach out and let him know we're here for him for when he wants the help. That it's not too late... almost as if I refuse to believe that the good-hearted, generous, sweet person he was once is all gone. I almost did call yesterday but I kept stopping myself... I'm tired of having these mental debates in my head every day all day. I can't focus on the things I need to do...

[SHAMAN316]

Eha,

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

It isn't around the pain, but rather, through it that you'll find closure. I wish I could tell you, "Do this... now do this.", and you'd have the formula for healing. But this is your story and the only way to articulate the final chapter is to live through the chapters that precede it. The reward to living through this obsessive pain is that we are gifted greater insight and wisdom to know ourselves and, therefore, know what we truly want from life. In making it through this, you'll have greater appreciation for what is real and true.

I know this doesn't help much when it hurts so badly, but please believe the reason and rational you've lost trust in at present will return given time and intentional effort toward healing... and you'll find your own closure with or without him.

I have a personal experience I'll share and hope it helps you. I attempted to speak to my ex about 5-6 months after the relationship ended, via phone. I used some news I wanted to share to gauge her thinking and the conversation, of course, turned to my suspicions about her drug use. In short,

Her: "You never considered I had $150,000 in debt from the accident".
Me: "You NEVER told me that".
Her: "Well... you never asked."

Seriously? Was I supposed to ask? So now I begin all my conversations with anyone I meet, "BTW, are you $150,000 in debt"? Figure I'll just get it out of the way. (kidding) After my head stopped spinning and I checked MY thinking for the ridiculousness of this, it helped me realize I was not dealing with a rational person... one who could or was willing to offer me any sort of closure. As much as it hurt, I realized I wasn't dealing with someone who cared how their behavior or failure to openly offer all the information was effecting me. After that, I went ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT because all I did in my frustration was provide more ammunition for her to justify her behavior, lies, and deceit.

How you cope with this is up to you. You have choices in how you choose to cope and I don't think anyone here will think any less of you regardless of what you decide. Only you can decide, however, when enough is enough.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

[Eha1215]

Shaman,
I can recall the last time I spoke with my ex on the phone before the truth came out and things began to make sense. We had had an argument because I felt stupid saying that I was in a relationship when it had been a long time since I last saw him even though he lived down the block. His excuse was that he was too busy working because he had to save money to go to Hawaii and visit a friend. The argument began because I drove back to the city we lived in from my parent's home just to go hang out with him and he ditched me saying his friend wanted to hang out and I was late. I felt frustrated because I drove one hour, and although, yes I was a bit late he still said he would hang out with me that day and all of a sudden he said never mind because he never go to see this friend of his. I couldn't understand!! it felt unfair and ridiculous...specially since him and his friend work together and I know they see each other often! Anyways, infuriated I tell him how I feel and he says "well, if you would've asked you would've known that I only see my friend when he has time to hang out". His answer just made me more frustrated but I left it alone because he said he'd make time for me that night. That night he ditched again, this time without telling me, which drove me to go to his place and discover everything.
It's been a month since the incident and I have decided that enough is enough. I haven't spoken or seen him since and frankly he hasn't attempted to contact me either. I keep in touch with his mother, because she seems so much stronger and reminds me that this has nothing to do with me. Sometimes I still feel like I need to seek my closure, but half the time I tell myself its pointless because the person he is now is not someone that would be considerate of my feelings at all and I still care too much to be able to handle something that perhaps I don't want to hear or simply another slap in the face.
I've been seeing a therapist, read a co-dependency book, and kept going to school and spending more time with family and friends. It's helped a lot, to the point that most of my days are better and although I always think of him, and I still don't hate him, at least it's not as often and it doesn't make me as sad. What's helped the most in my case is telling myself that the lying, insensitive, hateful, angry, miserable person that he is today is not the real him. I don't know if I have much hope for him, but I have come to the conclusion that if the day comes that he decides to change his life around, I will be there if he wants me to be, perhaps not as his significant other, but as a friend, that is, if I'm strong enough.
In regards to getting in contact with him, my therapist adviced that I could perhaps mail a letter or if I really felt that I needed to talk to him personally to bring a friend that will remind me my purpose in case I go astray in the conversation. I think that seeing him personally is out of the question, he will probably refuse. Calling him is out of the question as well because he most likely wont pick up. But the letter thing, I'm actually considering. I just don't know if I'm ready to write what I really want to let him know without adding baggage that is unecessary now. I still don't know what I should do...any advice would be great and thanks for keeping up with my post...I've gotten great advice and points of view here....

[Eha1215]

He came by unannounced last night to my apartment. Said he wanted to call a truce because our relationship was at least worth that...to not end in such a bad way. I reminded myself not to react but to think first and then act. I let him say what he had, then I asked my questions and found my closure. It was extremely hard, he was very emotional, never asked for help, just asked why I couldn't accept his habit. I explained to him that it's something that to me is wrong and it changes him. He disagrees but for some reason he still cried and all, I guess he just wants it all but I stood my ground and told him no. I don't know what decision he'll make but I know what mine is and I'm keeping it... I think he understood. I don't know if the love we had will be stronger than the drugs..so far it hasnt so I'm not getting my hopes up. I don't know if I should avoid him and all...we didnt leave each other on a bad note...but he seemed miserable. I just don't trust him... I tried my best to not be harsh and just be calm yet not give in... I'm afraid to fall into the same cycle...it's hard to tell what exactly he means...

[Eha1215]

Today I did perhaps the hardest thing I've ever done in my life so far. After two days of talking, spending time, seeing how things were and realizing that he was just trying to convince me to give in and I was just trying to convince him to stop I decided to put an end to the temporary dream I've been living. I'm tired of the false hope we created for each other, and I clarified that I will not give in and if I ever at all misled him I was sorry. He seemed shocked, as he thought that I really would give in. We didn't argue, we didn't discuss much anymore. We basically both agreed that neither would give in and so the best thing was just for each to move on. I told him I loved him but I had to do what was best for me and then he just sobbed and said "Don't worry, someday I'll realize..." Then I just walked away.
It was such an experience... I felt every step was so heavy but kept telling myself to not look back. It felt good that it was me who called the shots and walked away this time instead of him leaving me. I've no desire to reach out to him...I know that if he decides to change for himself he'll eventually think of me and look for me. If not...both our lives will go on either way.

[Eha1215]

He called me a few hours after I walked away from him the other day. He says he wants to prove himself and that he's gonna get his life together while at the same time do what he does. It seems like the funniest most ridiculous idea to me...but I'm tired of judging him and being angry at myself because of all this bs I've put myself thought by going against him, which only creates more conflict and drama and frustration. I don't know if I'm doing things right or wrong...if there even is a right or wrong way... I just want to do what I want to do now... I love him regardless of his bad choices...but I refuse to let his choices affect my life. So I decided to let him prove what he wants to prove or whatever... I'm tired of arguing and all this stupid stuff because either way he's gonna do what he wants. In the meantime I'm going to try my hardest to do what I gotta/want to do for myself. I just gotta let time do it's thing I guess... I'm just tired of feeling like I'm in a tug-o-war...