[Eha1215]

Thanks Lost,
I know what you're saying... A part of me wants to not even deal with this, but the other part of me still doesn't want to let go. I did set my boundaries, told him what I was comfortable and uncomfortable with and he respected them. But at the same time I feel he tries to get me to go his way by completely ignoring me. It's as if he'll only talk to me or look for me to try to get me to accept him for "who he is" according to him. He knows I miss him so he does it on purpose and completely ignores me (which upsets me). I don't try to tell him to quit or anything like that I figured he will when he wants to and he doesnt need anybody to tell him how. He's been to rehab before so he knows how it goes and what he has to do. I don't even touch the subject. But it does hurt me when he plays with me like that. I go to a therapist and she says perhaps the reason he does that is because I remind him of when his life was much better and he doesn't want to think about that. So really I don't know what's best... talk to him whenever he calls and he's not high (of course) or plain and simple pretend he died and not ever pick up or see him. How do you stop expecting things from an addict? I feel like I still do that sometimes...

[Lost83]

By not having any expectations I mean don't plan your life around the possibility that he may change some day, he may not. You know you have no control over that. Living your life in the hopes that someone is going to change is a miserable way to live, I've been there. We know that they have to want to change for themselves but deep down, speaking for myself, I selfishly wanted him to change for ME. Even though I knew it would never work if I was the reason for his change. The change would only be temporary until he relapsed, which is inevitable when an addict says they are staying sober for any reason other than wanting to live a productive healthy life. I would think to myself, "why am I not worth it, why doesn't he want to be with me". But as time went by I slowly started to actually comprehend what I already knew which is that I was never the problem. I was so used to allowing him to manipulate me; for years I thought our marriage was falling apart because of me. So when I learned of his addiction I was still in the mind frame that this was all somehow my fault. It stings to let go, don't allow him to string you along, which is what it sounds like he is doing. Understand you are allowing it by giving him that phone call or email. He is telling you point blank, this is how I am and I don't see it as a problem, there isn't much more you can do, he isn't open to getting help at this point. At least he is being honest with you and now you have to choose whether or not you are going to stick around and wait. Life is short, I wouldn't waste my breath waiting for a man who isn't willing to change knowing that I don't approve of his lifestyle. He cannot offer you happiness or treat you the way you deserve to be treated, he is being selfish and chosing his pot and booze over you period. He is telling you in black in white that he won't give that lifestyle up even if that means he can't be with you. So now it's up to you which way you want to go. Make the choice that makes you happy, in the end that's all that matters. Good luck!

[kathleen5hockey]

Lost, you are so correct. WE want them to change for us which never works. It doesn't have to be drugs, I know some non smokers who would never get involved with a smoker, I don't drink so I didn't date people who like to drink, on and on. It is personal choice. Always put you first.

[Eha1215]

I see what you're saying. Just this morning I found myself thinking the same thing...why wasn't I worth it to him? It's hard to think someone loves you when they're not willing to make that type of change that in the end would be benefitial to them too. I want to be able to forgive for my own benefit and well-being. It's difficult though when he tells me he feels he didn't do anything wrong. That he had to lie and all of that because he knew I wouldn't accept it (which to me it's like God that is so selfish but to him it's just what he had to do for us to be together). I refuse to be with him until he makes that choice for himself I can't deal with that life. People also tell me I shouldn't even consider it if he even makes the change because there's too much damage that has been done and I'll never trust him again, etc. I do want to move on and let go... I want to forgive him (and that doesnt mean take him back because he hasn't even asked for that anyway) but how can I move past this when he doesn't even think he hurt me through his actions?

Lost- how did you get past that? how were you able to forgive and let go? and if you don't mind me asking, why did you decide to stay with your husband after all he put you through?

[Lost83]

I still work on the forgiveness aspect of this whole ordeal every day. That is something that I need to work on, not living in the past, living for today and having no expectations for tomorrow. It's not easy, there is still a lot of hurt there, but we are much better at communicating to each other. I don't bring up the past, but I do talk about how I feel because of the past because my feeling are relevant, the past is not. I chose to take him back and my intentions were not to bring him back so I could demean him for the things he did in the past. I wanted him back to spend my life with him and pick up where we left off before those silly pills came into the picture.

I would see him actually making an effort to stay clean and then something would happen and the addict frame of mind would take over and he would screw up royally but I wasn't ready to let go of my husband, the father of my child, who I know has the potential to be a great father/husband/human being. We had 8 great years prior to his addiction, we built a pretty solid foundation and I think that is why I chose to stick by him. Had he just been my boyfriend and no kids, he would have been out the door so fast. I am very cautious with whom I choose to associate myself with due to my family history. He is the lucky one that I just refused to let go of until my life became unmanageable and that's when I realized, I had to let go and just pray that he would get better.

It's too soon to tell but so far so good. I can't predict what tomorrow will bring but today, we are happy and he is sober and happy no matter what life throws our way. I didn't get my addict husband or the pre addict husband "back", I got this amazing man with a totally different outlook on life, thought process, coping skills, the ability to communicate with me. Could I have ran, yes, and once things became too much for me to handle, I pulled the plug and didn't think twice. It wasn't until I saw an effort and progress on his part that I started to speak to him again. He is now staying clean because he values his life, and that, to me, is all that matters. I am just happy that I can be by his side and enjoy our life together. Sorry to sound so corny, I really believe we are so lucky to be a part of the small percentage that does make it out of this mess alive and happy.

[Lost83]

PS, I think you are jumping the gun when you talk about not trusting him in the event he gets clean and ya'll get back together. Focus on what's at hand, he is using, you don't like it and refuse to be with him. Don't over think the what could be's are, you'll drive yourself nuts, I know, I did it. When and if he does get clean and ya'll get back together, you are making the choice to let him back in, and yes, it's a risk but in my opinion, it's all or nothing. When my hubby came home, I didn't go lock up my jewlery, I don't check his phone, I don't question his whereabouts. I haven't put him on the bank account or anything like that, but I don't stop carrying cash because he has accesss to my purse. He is going to do what he wants to do whether or not I am playing private I. Take it one day at a time.

[Eha1215]

Thanks for your input Lost, it REALLY helps. I figure as soon as I stop thinking so far ahead things will get better, not that they're not better than they were lol but you know, I'll have a little bit of more piece of mind. Lucky for me he doesn't look/call me...it's like his way of punishing me until I accept his habit which I wont. I do want to keep going and not let this stop MY life though so I've been doing what I'm supposed to do which is go to school, work, and w/e other responsibilities. And I cut communication with his family too, because in a way they try to keep me in the picture because they know I was pretty much the only good thing he had going and they feel that if anyone can "make him" change is me. I know that's impossible though, so today I officially began ignoring calls lol.
I guess the problem for me is that I doubt myself alot in regards to the choice I made. In a way I see how he has degraded (went from university to tech school to cosmetology school, from nice car to no car at all, from home to homeless to nice apt to shady apt,etc) because of the choices he's made which usually revolve around the weed yet at the same time to most people he's taking care of himself, he pays his bills, he's still getting a vocation and when you hang out with him it's like there's no problem at all. That is until you upset him or he doesn't feel comfortable....then he turns into this mean person unless he's smoking SOMETHING. That one little thing, (that he acts like the same old when I'm around him) is what makes me question everything. Kinda silly... I have to remind myself of all the rest that is just oh so messed up.
Thank you so much though... I know what I have to do... I guess I just need reassurance.

[Eha1215]

Update on the past couple of weeks...
Just when I decide to leave things alone completely and find myself no longer thinking about this situation with the ex boyfriend I got a phone call (I'm telling you it's like clockwork!)
He called me with attitude...saying that if he didn't talk to me it's because he feels hurt and he's trying to move on and what not. Lol out of nowhere! Poor guy...then he calms down and tells me what's going on in his life...lost his job because he has a real problem dealing with his anger...is having a hard time getting a job and rent is due soon...he feels like he has no real friends etc etc. Not gonna lie I felt a bit bad for him but then I reminded myself that hey...this is the lifestyle he chose. I gave him the best advice I could...I guess he felt comfortable talking to me and he didn't like it...so he found something to argue about...he said the reason we were over was because of me (again out of nowhere the random comment) because of how I was back in high school always around other boys and what not. Man oh man I started laughing... I didn't mean to but the ridiculosity that came out of his mouth! But then I guess the truth came out... he told me that he was hurt because the moment I found out about his habit I left him after all these years he was by me not telling me what I could and couldn't do and supporting me 100%. I felt like maybe to an extent he had a point but at the same time I had to tell him my point of view. I didn't exactly leave as soon as I found out...he said he wanted to quit and put on a show for everyone about it...it's the only reason I stayed with him the past two years, obviously had I known he was lying I would've left. So in a way, I don't feel guilty about that because I didn't really have a choice...I believed he wanted to stop so I decided to support him even though it was in vain.
Basically the conversation carried on, he finally began to tell me how he really felt about a lot of things and this time I didn't just listen...I stood up for myself. I figured I never really spoke out and defended myself and I never know when is the last time I will talk to him so I had nothing to lose. I didn't fall for any guilt trips or manipulation, and kept my composure as an educated person that I am because if I got immature like he does I know I'd just end up feeling hurt in the end. Ever since, he calls often and he'll even visit sometimes. He knows my conditions and so far he's respected them. I keep my distance, we have a good time just talking, watching movies, or going for walks and nothing else.
I know he still gets high, and has no intentions of stopping. So I figured I'd keep living my life how I have..I can't control that. I'm just glad now he too has accepted that I will never accept his habit...that I wont bash him but I wont support him with that either and that I will never ever join him. So I guess we'll see how that goes...
If anyone has any advice on what type of boundaries I should keep or things like that please comment! I've been doing well and would like to be there for him as a friend but I certainly don't want to fall for any more manipulation or anything like that.
Thanks!

[kathleen5hockey]

Wow, boundaries, that's a tough one. Seems as soon as I set them the game gets changed. I wish I knew the answer. I set boundaries then fall into believing my daughter because of the love. Personally I feel myself getting harder and harder. Good luck.

[Eha1215]

It's been a while since I posted but here's an update on the situation with the ex-boyfriend.
It's really not a situation anymore since he's just someone I know now. My life is pretty ok and I feel at peace :-). He calls me here and then and we talk...we've even hung out a couple times and it's been all right. Lately he talks to me about his life and what not. He's finishing hairstyling school and working a fast food job but he says obviously the money he's making does not make ends meet so he sells weed and is saving up so he can pay rent and get a car or a moped or something. He says once he has his hair styling license he will stop selling because when it comes to fast money it's best to quit while you're ahead. (I've stopped believing these type of things from him but he seemed sincere...either way I don't really care). When he just got off of school and has an hour break before he goes into work he'll call and talk to me completely normal...he tells me of his life...of how he doesn't really have people he trusts and that he plans to get his license and start his own business. When he gets off and goes home and he's surrounded by people (I'm guessing the people he smokes pot with) he calls and says the complete opposite. How his friends are amazing and cool people to chill with and he speaks of weed as if he's in love with it and just all this stuff. I rarely react... I don't really care much for what he does with himself these days because I can't do anything about it. But I do care for him as someone I really used to love and was wondering... should I advice him or say anything when he talks to me. His mother says he only talks about deep things with me...I'd like to be a good friend (I guess) but dont know of the right things to say... before I guess he just felt like I just judged him and it made him be more rebellious.. Any advice?

[Eha1215]

We talk almost every day now but for a small amount of time. 5-10 minutes tops. He seems to love to talk about pot alot. Can't lie that it makes me uncomfortable. Called to ask me for a friend's number because he was trying to get some pot. Told him to not do that again for it makes me feel so wrong. He replies "oh no we're all going to hell now" sarcastically. I told him is not about going to hell, just not something I'm comfortable with. Said it as calmly as possible trying to not make it a big deal. He often gets mad if you contradict him or outsmart him at things, which is hard because it seems almost EVERYTHING makes him mad. I really have no clue other than to not say much at all. For some reason he seems to trust me and looks for my opinion yet acts like he doesn't care. I want to be there for him, I feel as if I'm one of the few that he feels he can talk to about things yet I don't know how to be there for him. When he's high he says one thing when he's not he says the opposite. *sigh* Just another day...