[Brian G]

Originally Posted by Eha1215

Brian,
thanks for your post. I think it'll be interesting to see what you post because I haven't had anyone post in regards to my problem that has been on the other side of the issue, so I'm looking forward to your posts as well as hopefully be able to support you if you need someone to talk to :-). What has your experience been like? I only know how people in my shoes have felt and dealt with things. I have to admit most of the time I wonder how he might be feeling.
I talked to him last night, but I think it will be the last time for a long time. He feels like he has his life together because he has a job, a place to stay, and he's going to school. He still blames me for a lot of things, says I've done too much "snitching" and thanks to that his relationship with his mother is not good anymore because now she "talks to him different". Obviously she's not accepting of what's going on so she's decided to detach and stop suffering so she has admitted to me that she's a bit cold and indifferent towards him. Mostly he just blames me for things between us going downhill and now things between him and his family not being that great... he takes advice from his friends, says everyone agrees with him that I took it too far and all that. I told him I didn't feel sorry, because well...it happened out of impulse and anger. I was pretty shocked of what I found...when I said that he said that it's bs because I already knew...I just wanted confirmation. I wish I would've never found out to be honest! It was a very hurtful thing to find out. Well anyways, that's how he feels and for parts of the conversation he was civil, for parts of it he was a butthole and I remained as civil as possible too. I didn't bother with explanations or anything like that...he believes his friends anyway and that's that. In the end I'm still the bad guy that blew things up... I told him he'd eventually get caught with or without my help...but he says he didn't get caught...almost as if that's what REALLY bothers him. I told him I hope life brought better things for him now and that I'd miss him and left it at that. I just hate it that he makes it seem as if I was the problem. None of this would've happened if he would've just been honest...to me the point is that I was clear to say I don't want to be with someone who does drugs including MJ... he shouldn've lied just to keep me around, it was selfish. I wish I would've said THAT! but oh well...I'm better off leaving things alone....

Hi Eha ,sorry few days late on the post been really keeping myself busy .
First I will like to say there is a big difference between smoking Marry jane when you are young vs older (mature enough ) being 19 yrs hes looking for the get high party all the time lets blaze a blunt homie life . That was me @ 19 yrs old never cared about nothing but to get that blunt . and that's what caused a lot of stress with my family and i really didn't care to much because oh it's a plant no ones died from it ect, Bottom line is it is a DRUG and very addictive . i started smoking when i was just 13 yr old stole my brothers (roach)-witch is the tail end of a joint and started full time smoking .
smoking weed getting high got into a gang stole cars ect it was all fun cause we was high... Now vs Old now mature smokers are more chill about things work all day come home roll a fatty to relax right but the thing is the old already have most of there lives together family home dog <---lol dog he he named smokey lol but its just fact .. so hes going to be like this for some time and now that he can put all the blame on you for trying to help him will make you the bad guy because he wants to get high without a buzz kill so hes pushing you away ... but don't be surprised if he calls you in a few months trying to work things out because he will trust me .... well got to run be back to finish .. he he lol take care

[kathleen5hockey]

Hi, my suggestion from previous breakups is stay away from their family. The bottom line is they are blood, you are not. They will always talk about him with you, etc. They are your connection to him and visa versa. I have met really nice families but when you breakup it has to be a clean break for you to move on. You live in FL!!!! Go to the beach, we had a few hrs of sun today, ran out to the deck and soaked it up. Believe me you will look back on this time and wonder "what was I thinking?" Please, go enjoy your young life. No lie, time flies! You must be around my son's age, he's 20. He just went out all dressed up, you know what a 52 yr old does, clean and vacumn! Put on a pretty face, nice dress and go out to dance. Every day should be a new good adventure. Get out of drug world. Of course, that's just my personal opinion. Talk soon.

[Eha1215]

Thanks to both Brian and Kathleen,
First in response to Brian, thanks for telling me how it is. I do feel like eventually he'll call or look for me again...and I'm trying to prepare myself for that because I don't want to let a sob story get me anymore. I'm tired of being fooled... I've promised myself I wont pickup but the guy knows where I live too so who knows. I'm worried right now about what Kathleen encourages me to do which is worry about myself and do things to make myself feel better. I guess when the time comes I'll handle the situation the best way I can and I sure hope by then I'll be ok. Thanks for sharing your experience with me though Brian...the way you wrote it is exactly the way he sounds!
Now to Kathleen,
A part of me feels like you do...I should just stop talking to the family too. (By the way I am 20 years old so good guess!) But in a way they're such a part of my own life as well and it's hard to just ignore them or tell them to buzz off when I have no resentment or anything like that towards them...I love them! They've been so supportive, helped me out so much with this and always worry about how I'm doing. His mom always tells me that I deserve to be happy and find a better man and she always tries to make sure that I'm ok and that I go with reason rather than my heart when situations with her son come up. She doesn't have much hope for him herself and she worries about me. It breaks my heart to turn her down, she always asks me to come see her when I can and we always enjoy each other's company. I'm not going to lie, we do talk about her son here and then but lately for the most part we talk about how to keep being strong and live our lives. If I didn't have much of a relationship with his family I would've cut communications a lonnggg time ago but since I have since I was a kid it's really tough. I know sometimes she calls on me for support or just someone to talk to about it. She always tells me it's ok if I want to stop talking to them and all but I'd really hate to do that. At the same time, I know where you're coming from...how will I really move on if I keep seeing his family and hearing about how this situation is affecting them? I'm at a tough spot...

[kathleen5hockey]

If you find it hard to cut ties quickly, go slowly. You can still talk to them every now and then, but think about when you do find another guy, which you will. How will he feel if you still talk to the x's family. I understand about having a long relationship with his family. Take it slow, don't do anything you are not comfortable with. Good luck and enjoy the sunshine, it's cloudy and rainy here again!

[Eha1215]

Just an update:
I decided that it's best if I cut ties with his family at my own pace, so I've gone from talking to them everyday to just once a week. I still wake up thinking about things and sometimes I find myself tearing up a bit, but it's just in the morning. I still do what I have to do during the day and try to focus on my things and spending good quality time with people that are there for me instead of worrying about someone who's just getting high. I havent heard anything about him or seen him at all... it's just confusing how to feel...

[kathleen5hockey]

Glad you are doing ok. Did you look into summer classes? The son is taking them. He is not a geek but is driven to get ahead, I think because his sister is the drugie. Do some volunteer work, it's good for the soul and looks great on resume's. If you have sunshine get some for me! We have had rain for over 2 weeks.

I agree with Brian, when you are young smoking weed it's different. I have seen people go down the tubes because of it, just makes you lazy. Older folks toke to relax after a stressful day at work, that's the difference.

[Eha1215]

My summer semester is done other than my online class...so now I'm just working alot, working out and being with friends and family. And in regards to the smoking I agree too... its like you said in one of your posts Kathleen...if they were functioning addicts there wouldn't be much of a problem! But whatever...I'm beginning to be thankful about not being a part of his life, painful as it has been to not have him in mine because now going back to the past few years I see how much I've been dragged down...I could be at a totally different place right now careerwise and I'm not because of this unhealthy relationship and wrong belief of mine that I can save someone from drug addiction. I don't have any hard feelings...I guess I'm just beginning to see the light in all this darkness. Plus the FL sunshine helps lol :-)

[AzWickedCool]

Originally Posted by Eha1215

My summer semester is done other than my online class...so now I'm just working alot, working out and being with friends and family. And in regards to the smoking I agree too... its like you said in one of your posts Kathleen...if they were functioning addicts there wouldn't be much of a problem! But whatever...I'm beginning to be thankful about not being a part of his life, painful as it has been to not have him in mine because now going back to the past few years I see how much I've been dragged down...I could be at a totally different place right now careerwise and I'm not because of this unhealthy relationship and wrong belief of mine that I can save someone from drug addiction. I don't have any hard feelings...I guess I'm just beginning to see the light in all this darkness. Plus the FL sunshine helps lol :-)

This needs to be etched in stone under a statue somewhere for all to read.

[Eha1215]

Somewhat of an update...
Today I went to my ex bf's parents' house. I try to not communicate too much and not go over there but today I woke up really wanting to so I did. I havent felt down or anything like that lately...I think I finally hit the 5th step of grief which is acceptance and I'm able to go on with my life. I feel comfortable when I go to that house... I don't know why. His mother is great and his dad is awesome. Really good people...I enjoy being there but obviously avoid it because I also understand that I need to really let go of any connections with him and all. I just go whenever I REALLY REALLY feel like it and don't wish to go to my own parents' home. In a way his parents understand my feelings more because they're going through this with me so I like talking to them more about this because they know how I feel. I noticed something today though that's been bothering me... He called his mother while I was there to ask her for her income tax papers because he's supposedly trying to to go back to school and they don't have a good relationship because of everything that's been going on so they easily aggravate one another...and the first thing she did was mention that she was "busy to deal with his s*** " because she has a visitor and well he obviously asked who and she said she was with me and wanted to pay attention to me instead of his bs. I don't understand why she did it... it seems they they're both so bitter at each other...she knows that would upset him... I told her not to tell him I was there...I mean if he asks she doesn't have to lie but he didn't even ask about me so I don't understand why bring me up. It made me feel uncomfortable because I know that would upset him. She says I shouldn't give...and that she certainly doesn't give because plain and simple me and them are close and me and him are nothing. Another thing is that I noticed that when we do talk about him we talk about him as if he was dead...it's so awkward at times! We hate who he is now...but we love to reminisce about the old him...the good hearted, nice, funny ,caring guy. It's a bit morbid to me...we talk about him like he died yet he hasn't...I felt like maybe the past year and a half I wasn't even in love with him anymore..I was just trying to "bring back" the old..and when we talk about him like that now it just feels like he really will never be a better person anymore...I'm confused about how to handle this feeling and again the situation between me and his family finding comfort in one another to deal vs. how he feels about that...

[kathleen5hockey]

You have been making great progress. It does seem when we talk about the addict it's in the past tense. Maybe because we wish the addiction would die from the good person? I know you feel comfortable there but try to wean yourself off. It was not nice that his mother talked to him like that while you were there. Puts you in the middle. I try not to talk about the daughter except here. It's time to move on, people get stuck in a rut. Also, I believe that the more you talk about the bad the more it stays with you. I have been having problems letting go this week, know exactly what you are talking about. You have a plus that I don't. Your young and your life is just begining. I am middle age, on the down ward slide. But hey, a long holiday weekend coming up, enjoy yourself and start your own Independence Day! I am really proud of you, in a short time you have made huge strides! Keep up the good work!!!!

[Eha1215]

I was suggested to write him a letter...he's going on a cruise with his family for a week... he's gonna have to be clean that whole week. His mom thinks it's a good idea for me write him a letter if I have anything to say. She says she'll give it to him then...the thing is...I don't know what that's gonna do.. I could talk and talk about how all of this has been for me and my hopes and things like that but when it comes to actually telling him...I feel it's pointless...I have 2 weeks to figure it out..I don't know if I should write and if I end up doing it..I don't know what I should write....suggestions?

[SHAMAN316]

Eha,

"What consumes our thoughts controls our lives."

Creed, Human Clay

If only I could understand enough, perfectly articulate, or be magically insightful at just the right moment, perhaps I'd have a chance against addiction?

The point about accepting our powerlessness is that no measure we take will influence another until that person is ready for themselves. We might help raise the bottom through changing our behavior, but just because it might result in what would be MY bottom doesn't mean the same for someone else.

I'm not saying don't write the letter. If it is to help you find closure, then by all means. First, however, I hope you'll look at your expectations and motivations in doing so.

For what it's worth, I tried 'one last time' as well without honestly looking at my motivations. I ended up feeling worse about myself because of my hope I might make an impact. Once again, however, all that resulted was that I 'folded' and sacrificed my character to someone who wasn't ready to be honest. Lesson learned.

If you're consumed with finding the right understanding, words, or insight... what, or who, is controlling YOU? I hope I might be wrong and you aren't torturing yourself in this way.

I hope all good things come your way.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

[kathleen5hockey]

What makes you think he will be clean? I thought the family didn't get along with him? Am a little confused. His mother talks bad about him but they are going on vacation? You have to remember blood is thicker than friendship. I would not write a letter. Why would you? If you were going on vacation would you want a letter to you? I wouldn't. You have to let go. No amount of words is going to change what is. Let it go, get on with your life. Believe me, you will look back at this someday and say "what was I thinking?" Please forget about him. You will not be able to meet someone else when you are emotionally attached to him. Don't live this life, it will suck your soul out from you.

[Eha1215]

Well...this is the situation...
the family had bought a cruise package for a grand a person him included, this was when they were still in good terms...then all of this happened. The family is not in good terms...they minimally talk. Parents are very cold with him and have set their boundaries and all that good stuff. He's going on the vacation because they will be losing a grand if he doesn't... they told him it's up to him to pay for his flight to the port, which I'm sure he will. They're surprised he decided to go... I'm not...it's a free vacation...yea it's 8 days w/out the stuff but nonetheless vacation.
So this letter idea came up because his mom said if you still have something to say it would be a good time...
Honestly like I said... I didn't even think of that... I feel like I have nothing to say...which is what I'm wondering...what the hell would I write anyway? I feel like it's all pointless...
I miss my best friend...but that's not him anymore... how's a letter gonna do anything? In a way I do wish I could talk to him but then I remember it's not him anymore...at least not the person that would listen and make me smile and be cool. So in a way...though I thought about it for a second I still don't think I actually WANT to...I would've loved to be supportive and let him know I care and I wish him the best but well...he doesn't get that right now. I have a few weeks to decide...but honestly...the person he is now is not someone I have feelings for. My feelings are for who he used to be and that part of him is pretty much gone :-(
In response to Shaman, I feel like I tried a last time...almost a month ago...and all I got was cursed out and blamed for everything wrong in his life including the bad relationship with his mother and snitching on him. Haven't talked to him since....haven't felt like it either...
I miss the old him... but the person he is now... I really don't care much for.... I had hope when I'd still see some of the good side of him...when out of nowhere he was nice or was considerate...but that only happens when he's sober. I'm grieving for the good, caring, sweet and kind person I loved and still do. Now it just seems like there's another person in his body. Plus you're right... I'd probably write that letter with some sort of hope for change...but nothing will happen...and I'll be dissapointed.

[Brian G]

Originally Posted by Eha1215

I was suggested to write him a letter...he's going on a cruise with his family for a week... he's gonna have to be clean that whole week. His mom thinks it's a good idea for me write him a letter if I have anything to say. She says she'll give it to him then...the thing is...I don't know what that's gonna do.. I could talk and talk about how all of this has been for me and my hopes and things like that but when it comes to actually telling him...I feel it's pointless...I have 2 weeks to figure it out..I don't know if I should write and if I end up doing it..I don't know what I should write....suggestions?

Hay Eha if writing a letter helps you at all GO for it . at this point I'm sure you got a lot to say to him good and bad
well hope your holding up strong take care

God bless

Brian G

[kathleen5hockey]

I understand completely! I miss my daughter, her body is here but the soul is gone. It's hard to look at them and not see what was. But we have to deal with what is. Write the letter if you feel you need to, I wouldn't, it will make him feel he still has some sort of hold on you. Please, move on. Relationships breakup everyday not only because of drugs. People change. You are in your 20's, please get out of drug world!

[SHAMAN316]

Feeling a little poetic today and thought this might help. It speaks to the dissonance many of us feel in our relationships... and not just those with an addict. Specifically, it addresses the battle between our passion and our reason, which you appear to be struggling with today, Eha. I hope it helps, but if I've missed the mark, at least it's some pretty readin'.

"Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.

If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.

For reason, ruling along, is a force confining; and passioin, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;

And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes."

-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Many Blessings,
Shaman

[Eha1215]

Thanks everyone for the suggestions...
My instinct was to not write it...lol my actual thoughts after she said write him a letter was "for what?" so I think I'm gonna stick to that. Sure there's lots I have to say but he doesnt understand anyway and I'm not ready to be able to say all these things and accept that I wont get a positive reaction back. Maybe God will give me my chance to say all I have to say if I still have to say it when the time is right. When I wont care if he understand or not and I truly do it just to get it out of my system without expecting some sort of response from him.
I have found it difficult to connect what I think with my heart. I understand things clearly in my head but it's my heart that's the stubborn one. So far though I have had no contact at all and tell myself the same thing when I really want to call..."for what?".
Once I get through this though I have thought about a possible change in my plans. For the past couple of years being that I was in high school and now in college I thought I wanted to become a pharmacist. I even work at a pharmacy as a technician. But now I think that what I really want to do is help people recover from drugs or something in that field. I don't exactly know the prof. titles or what that career would be called but I think that's something I really want to do now. I just feel like I've lost a lot of people to drug addiction (an uncle, an aunt, a few cousins and now a good friend) and I want to be there for people going through it as well as their loved ones because I know how difficult and painful it can be.

[kathleen5hockey]

Eha, good for you, you are thinking about your future! My niece and nephew are both pharmacists, they work long hours but get paid very nicely. Talk to your college advisor, start by taking a few classes that would expose you to being a drug councelor. I have had a few that helped me, really went above and beyond. I do feel sorry for She had been a heroin addict. All she said was "I never knew what my mother went thru."

[SHAMAN316]

Eha,

No matter your choice, I'm sure you have a promising future ahead of you.

I can share my experience if it will help as I was a Chemical Dependency Counselor in a past life. I suppose I've primarily served in Social Services or as a Counselor much of my career, mainly with adolescents or in a geriatric milieu. The credentials your speaking of are a CCDC (Certified Chemical Dependency Counselor) and it's usually a certification in addition to a professional degree such as Social Work or Psychology although some schools now offer a degree in Addictions.

The reality is it's typically low pay and you're working with many people adjudicated to treatment. I entered the field due to my exposure to addiction as well and I learned more, clinically speaking, than I did academically in pursuit of my psych degree. Honestly, it's a high burnout field and not everyone in the field, though you'd like to think so, is 'healthy'. It's pretty territorial in my experience and the demands placed upon professionals such as CCDCs and Social Workers is evergrowing. As I've already shared, I learned more than I can articulate in the profession, but wish I would have pursued Law School where I believe the experience would have translated well. Who knows, maybe I may.

IMHO, you can still positively impact people's lives given your personal experience... AND GET PAID if you choose pharmacy.

I can't speak educatedly about pharmacy as I stink at chemistry, but if I can answer any questions about the other profession, I'll be glad to do so.

Nice to have choices, huh?

Keep up the great work.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

[Eha1215]

Shaman,
You never fail to point out the positives! Thank you.
I really would love to do both so who knows I just might figure something out. I'm sure I can help out either way. By the way...I'm a Chemistry major :-)
In other news, I felt that I needed to let my ex know that I've no hard feelings anymore and I forgive him. He never picked up obviously, last time we spoke he said he was trying to hate me, but I left the message anyway and felt better about myself. I also emailed his sister and told her I appreciate her support as well as her entire family and that I love them very much but that I need some time to get away and figure out where I'm going now in my life. I asked her to tell her mother (who I'm the closest with) to please understand and that I will call her again or get in touch when I feel the time is right for me to do so. As far as the ex goes I pretty much just decided that if there is anything else that needs to be taken care of between us then life will probably bring us the opportunity to do so later on. If not then it goes on and everything is fine regardless.

[Eha1215]

Had a bittersweet night, thought I'd share...
Lately, I keep focused on my online class, keeping my room neat, my job and my health. I write when I feel I need to let something out and have been keeping in touch with friends. I can pretty much say that although at times it feels awkward, I'm starting to get the hang of this peace that came after the turmoil.
Last night my roomates and I decided to go out and have fun. I'm looking and feeling good, excited to finally be able to let go and start living my life as a 20 year old. I've missed out so much on the college experience (when it comes to making friends and the social life) because of my commitment with my ex boyfriend that I was finally excited about breaking that habit of "staying in" and doing nothing and actually feeling like there is nothing wrong with me going out with friends and meeting new ones. As we're driving down the street I see the ex walking down with a huge bag of fast food. I doubt he saw me because I was in the car...but man I kept thinking... why?! of all the times that I could run into him why is it that tonight (which is supposed to be significant to me) I do?
I had a good time after nonetheless but it really affected me to see him...I hate thinking about the type of life he's living and he's chosen. Sleep all day, work most of the night, smoke up and take care of his munchies after 2am. He used to want so much more out of life...

[Eha1215]

So I know I havent posted in a while because nothing was really going on for the past 2 months...but my ex boyfriend and I talked last night after not doing so for the past 3 months and it seems that he wants to have contact now and what not. It was really awkward for me, I didn't get over him obviously (it's only been a few months) but I feel like alot has changed in my life because of everything that happened. He's still using... he still doesn't feel like it's a big deal and I don't really care what he does because I can't control that but I explained to him that I have my own personal boundaries and if he wants to be around me he needs to respect that I don't like him getting high or being high around me. On top of that of course he brought up that he wants to get back together and as much as I would love to because I love him I don't like his habit and I don't want the lies and the behavior that comes with it. I'm trying to have a civil relationship and keep contact, maybe hangout here and then, plus he's doing good, he's in school and takes care of himself financially and all, so I'm happy for him I just still feel that as much as I feel for him I don't want to be with someone that uses weed and alcohol like he does. He kept asking me hypothetical questions, like he has some sort of fantasy where I smoke weed with him which was awkward for me to answer because I didn't expect that at all. And then on top of everything, he says that he will stop after he gets married or has kids and it's like...does he really expect me to risk it and wait and see if he actually does? I know for a fact I wouldn't want to deal with that later on and if he can't quit now what makes him think he will later? I'm trying to not be judgemental and worry about unecessary things but I really don't know how to interpret all of this right now...I wasn't expecting it at all...

[kathleen5hockey]

Please keep doing what you have been. Taking care of yourself. Think of it this way, if the guy was cheating on you would you take him back? If he said he would stop cheating after you got married would you believe him? Drugs are the same thing. He is cheating with his mistress (drugs). You must put this into perspective. Why beat yourself up over this? You are 20, life will change so much in the next 10 yrs. Have a good time, believe me, life goes by soooo fast then you wake up and say Woa, I'm 53! What happened? Have some fun!

[Eha1215]

Hey Kathleen...
thanks for your post! I've been keeping up with yours and I'm very happy for you and your family and keep praying for Amy's good progress...
I didn't really consider getting back together with the ex-bf. I love him so much but I guess I've learned to love him from a distance. He seems to be doing better and I hope and pray that he keeps improving but like I told him... his habit is not something I like or I'm into. At least now he respects that...before he just got mad and made sure to play the guilt trips and go on blaming rounds. This time he seemed to understand and didn't make any false promises or anything. We agreed to keep in touch...he was excited to tell me about his new decisions (he went back to school for cosmetology and wants to take a few business classes to someday have his own place and is talking with his family again). I plan to continue on in my path...but like I said I love him. I think more than being with him I would just rather see him be happy and grow and learn to live. I would just like to hear some suggestions as to how to handle or what's important when communicating with an addict and knowing how to keep distance yet still be there. If anyone has some ideas or experience please comment!

[helpless101]

Hi!
Thank you for writing on my post today, I found a few things very insightful. For one thing, I just spent the past half hour reading your whole story here. I found some similiarites in our stories, from feeling a bit co-dependent, loving them wholeheartedly, being completely against weed- though we can't explain it, it just isn't for us. We know we did the right thing, we wonder about them and want to contact them from time to time but resist the urge.

Above all things, I find something very funny, in an ironic and eye-opening sort of way. I read your whole story and when I saw that you just posted about how he wanted to get back together a part of you felt hope in him and hope for the future, while I am sitting at my computer going, NOOO don't do it. However, it is hard for me to see that for myself. Having said that, you too may have some doubts and longing for him and on my post, you think I did what was best in leaving him and seemed pretty secure in that statement.

Isn't it so much easier to see what is best for others but not yourself when emotions are involved????!!

Ahh, well it is something I am sure I will think on, like all of the emotions I am going through right now, i mean it has only been 2 weeks.

Sorry for the long post, but it was nice to make some connections in our story though unfortunate.

~Sending my love.

[Eha1215]

Hey helpless...
I appreciate your post as well I completely agree! it's so much easier to give suggestions to someone yet we can't seem to do that for ourselves. I've found out A LOT about myself by going through this experience and not having him in my life...he's not a bad person he just has an addiction and I figured I'm only 20 years old... like Kathleen said it's just best to take care of myself. And this time period of just letting him be I think he's grown a lot...he's slowly starting to see things in a more mature way ( he obviously still needs to work more on himself though) but I've learned that it's okay that I love him. I just love him from a distance...and it doesn't hurt anymore. I've gotten on with my life and we'll just see what happens.... I guess like they say in Al-anon...let go and let God. But I'll definately look forward to your posts...it takes a while to learn how to cope...I'm still in that process :-)

[Eha1215]

So I guess I just felt the need to reflect on my life and see how I'm feeling and how things are going for me in regards to this situation with the ex-bf. So I re-read all the posts on my thread and found myself really analyzing everything and seeing what's still the same, what's not, what I've learned and so on. What an experience...not a pleasant one but I think in the end it still has its good.
It's been 5 months almost since everything happened and my ex and I just sort of ceased to be. Still haven't had an apology for anything at all...or a thank you for anything I did. I guess that is something I don't even expect anymore. I feel a little sympathetic I guess... he's an addict and doesn't see it. But at least I don't let that be an excuse anymore and I certainly don't blame myself for all of this anymore, even if he throws certain problems that were my fault as the cause of our break up. At least I don't feel as crummy as I did about myself...and I'm glad that I didn't accept to be with him anymore or let him convince me though at the time I was reallllly insecure about my decision. Would've never actually went through it if it wasn't for all the insight on this site and of course God, my family, and friends.
It worries me that some things have not changed though. I still care about him so much. It upsets me that I go soft when he talks to me or if he's around. It seems that when I talk about it all to other people I'm able to get angry and speak of how I feel. But if the subject comes up with him I seem to sugar code things or say them as nicely as possible. Sometimes I think maybe I should say things with the tone and the attitude that I mean them instead of making it nice for him, after all...I no longer have anything to lose. I think that that makes me still think about him and my need to express certain things except that when I get my opportunity I forget to be totally straightforward because I don't want to upset him. Although life has gotten better and it's peaceful I'm not totally happy because it bugs me that I have things to say and I don't say them. I guess I've been told that it's pointless to talk to an addict because they don't get it...I do wonder though if that's true.
I'm still close to the family...I try not to be too close anymore but it is difficult. I'm sure that doesn't help me move on. But as time passes by the contact is less and less....I still love them though, it's just been difficult to figure out a way to balance things now that he's not my boyfriend.
I tried to have a civil relationship with him as a friend. That didnt really work.... we talked about 4 times and two of them were great, we got along fine and just had casual talk...he told me about school and work and how he was doing alright. I told him I got my AA and that school was going fine. But then the other two times it's like the first two times never happened. I'd mention something from a previous conversation and he seemed to either not remember saying things or he'd say I don't know. I felt like he was just messing with my head...and when confronted about it he pretty much said it was pointless for us to talk. So I just left him alone and haven't heard from him since....
I don't really know how to get pass this point of my own recovery... I seem to be stuck in this phase...any suggestions?

[Eha1215]

Oh, the ex boyfriend said he would call me later today...I really don't know if I should pick up. Sometimes I feel like I go a long time thinking of all these things I want to ask...things I know the answers to but I want to hear from his mouth (which I know is dumb but just how I feel) but then when I actually do talk to him it's a mess and I forget to ask. So I get stuck again with oh ******** I didn't talk about what I wanted to talk about. There's still that part of me that wonders if I've done things right or not. The other part of me is just me being mad at myself for not going through with having no contact for a good year! I guess I always just still hope he'll want to quit. Should I just not pick up or see him or should I at least try to leave it as it is? please help!

[Lost83]

If you are going to continue to talk to him don't have any expectations. If you are trying to move on, then don't answer the phone. He is still using, he hasn't taken these past 5 months to get his act together. He may be functioning for now but this disease will progress and get worse if he doesn't stop. I am not an advocate of alcohol or marijuana but I do believe their are some people who do have control of themselves and can be social drinkers. You obviously know that is not the case with him. You have your boundaries and if his habits make you uncomfortable, stay away. You shouldn't put your life on hold waiting for someone change. You are young, life is short, have fun, let him determine his own fate be it with or without you. Just keep your boundaries, keep letting him know what you will and will not accept behavior wise on his end, and stick to your guns. No one can tell you to not answer the phone, or to try and work it out, that is solely your choice. I know it's not an easy one to make but you have to do what is best for you and your quality of life. Take care