Hello fellow warriors,
I am ashamed to say I slipped up and found myself back on Tramadol again. I am beginning my tapering schedule today. It worked well last time and I wouldn't try it any other way. I have been taking 4/day since I fell off the wagon and today I begin my taper by taking only 3/day. 5-7 days of this and I will switch to 2/day, etc., until I am down to 1/2 per day then I'm jumping off. I'm scared, anxious and depressed when I start to think about going through with this but then I manage to salvage some strength and willpower and realize that this will pass and I will be a better person for it. I'm doing it for myself, first and foremost. I'm also doing this for all the people I have in my life that I care about. I'm astonished whenever I sit and think about how I got myself back in to this position. It all started by just taking one again after almost 6 months of sobriety. I told myself I was clean and wouldn't be forced to take more if I only just took one. Someone I know had a prescription and they offered me one (not knowing of my addiction) and so I said "yes" and that was that. I enjoyed that one tablet I took so I went back to the person I used to get them from and stocked up and have been taking them since. What a fool I was to take that one again. I had been so strong for half a year.
Anyway, like I said, it's been 4/day. That's been enough to keep me happy and give me that horrible false sense of well being that these nasty tablets appear to offer you. I may consult my doctor about taking an anti-depressant once I get clear of the tram as I unfortunately do suffer from that and the Tramadol certainly helps with that but I'm sick of being a prisoner to these tablets. That's what really bugs me, that and the fact that I know they can't be good for me even if they do alleviate the depression I feel. As I knew the last time I quit, you have to take the good with the bad. Not every moment is perfect and everyone has to deal with this. It's called life. But I know the good things are there too and I want to experience them yet again with out needing a drug to help me do it. I was on Welbutrin years ago, during a time in my life when I wasn't addicted to Tramadol and they seemed to help, though they sort of neutralize your feelings in a way to where you don't feel any drastic highs or lows. I will try to see how I feel after I get clean and hopefully I won't feel the need to take the Welbutrin again. Even though it's not an opiate type drug it's still something you have to take everyday to feel "normal" and I don't want to feel that dependence anymore.
The folks on here are very supportive and it's good to know I can talk to people who can relate to what I'm feeling. Thanks for listening and feel free to chime in. I could use all the support you are willing to offer.