Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 30 of 34
Like Tree43Likes
Time to nut up or shut up!!!!
  1. #1
    Strengthnow is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    40

    Default Time to nut up or shut up!!!!

    I guess I will start off with my LONG story, but first I wanted to say thank you to several members on the forum. You guys have to understand how many people you touch, how many people you help by simply being there and talking about what you go through.

    Willow
    Caughtagain
    Robert
    Surfdog

    I am doing this because of your words, I mean that....

    I started taking hydros about six years ago, completely recreationally. I used to mess around in college with a nocro or perc every now and then while we cured a hangover and loved the feeling. Flash forward to 2005 when I graduated and started my own company, things were going great for a year or two with my girlfriend of four years who moved back to Southern California with me where I am from. Then I found a hydro dealer...

    It started slow, I would take just 2 Norcos once every few weeks when I had some down time and felt like kicking back to watch a football game. I also have been involved in MMA (mua thai, BJJ and shotokan) for almost 6 years and thought it was a great way to recover. Little did I realize the affect they were having on my psyche and how little prepared I was allowing myself to be to handle life.

    When the market crashed the oil based material I have to purchase jumped by literally 75% in a month, it was terrifying. Everything I had worked for could possibly dissapear, not only that but my girlfriend was unhappy that she didnt have a social scene like she did in college and put pressure on me to constantly keep her entertained. Long story short she broke up with me for not being "fun" anymore, after four years.

    The Norcos (10/325) started up pretty regularly around there, 3 per "dose" usually twice a day....

    Worse and worse it got, thankfully the world didnt collapse and my business has been doing wonderfully, looking back this has to be God's work. However I never got rid of that feeling of sadnes nomatter what I did and I couldnt figure out why. I thought they were an added bonus to life and felt they were exactly what I needed to >>>> to my clients what a happy guy I was. Worse and worse it got until my tolerance after 5 years of using was forcing me to take 17 Norco's at a time just to get high. Thankfully I was smart enough to never double dose in a day at that level, I was terrified of the APAP. As you can imagine though, since I would only take one MASSIVE dose a day I have been constantly in a state of semi withdrawl.

    Flash forward to my 30th birthday, May 17th....

    Willow, before I go on if you happen to read this, please understand the positive affect your "hell" has had on me. Your timeline literally was the catalyst to make me WANT to stop, which now that I think about it is the only way you can really quit.

    I felt horrible all the time, so tired, run down, depressed. I had an amature fight one night and had to stop in the second round because I had to throw up, being that I didnt use for two days prior trying to "get ready" for the fight. I would come home and do nothing after work, just be a vico vampire as I sat in my little apartment on the beach, what a waste...

    I was a complete jerk as well, nomatter what I did I was just never happy like I used to be and I completely negated all of my relationships.

    Back to my birthday, I was out and about and met an absolutely beautiful and intelligent young woman. After a brief courship we started to by physical, well she did, I could barely get it up! That was it, I wanted my life back but had no idea how to do it. I tried twice to give them up, no dice, just couldnt do it and felt so darn weak and pathetic.

    Then along comes this forum and Willow's amazing story. On may 20th I stayed up for hours reading everything I could, the stories about what it was like to be clean, the positive information from people like Robert and the completely unabridged support of others like Surdog and Caughtagain. It was time, so I set my date for June 1st and got a few xanex for sleep and a support group together to help me through the tough time. I told my sensei which was horrible, I was so ashamed. As any good teacher would do he first hugged me for a long time (we are both about 6'2, 205 lbs benching 325, so you can imagine that one in your head!) and I actually started to cry a little bit. He said he was happy that I found this forum and he was going to do everything he could to help.

    June 1st, I failed.... So bad, I called my dealer to give me some to taper off of, you guessed it, 17 pills! Those were immediately gobbled up. My sensei had arranged to have a personal training every single night while I was going through withdrawls, he said we were going to tough it out and get this ???? out of my body as fast as possible.

    Once again he came to my rescue, he took my phone and called my dealer and said if he ever found another pill in my body he would break both of his legs. So there went my connection!

    June 2nd I felt OK, a little tired and cranky but that was nothing new. Had training at 8 PM, puked and sweated out at least a bucket full of water. Layed in bed for hours excited that I was making the move to do this and to be what Willow was at day 30. (I WANT MY PICKLE TOO!!!)

    June 3rd I woke up so happy it was hillarious. I still felt like absolute ????, but knowing what was going on made me feel like I could get back to my life before it was too late. Had a light training at 7PM and sweated out another bucket of water while I drank as much as I could. I knew I could do this, I want this, I need this....

    June 4th, today being day 3. I had one early morning meeting today(which was easy to wake up for being that I didnt sleep). By the way what is up with the mucus during withdrawls? I will wake up in the middle of the night and have to hack up literally 30-40 tissues worth of mucus before it is out of my throat and I can sleep. I started to really feel horrible about 11 AM when I got home, I wanted so badly to take vicodin and sit on my couch. It just seemed like such a simple solution to all the problems I am going through, I thought of Facebooking my dealer and secretly getting some so my sensei would find out...

    Then literally like my gaurdian angel, *knock knock*. There is my sensei standing in front of me with a pair of focus mitts and full head gear and a six pack of Pedialyte. "We're doing it in your back yard today, I dont care that your eyes are black and you are slouching, we are doing this now." I am an insanely competative person and I need that, while my arms felt like they couldnt move, taking a round house to the side of my (padded) head was even worse than the withdrawl! I pushed through the pain like I always try to, using my father being in vietnam for 3 years as motivation. I have always used that one, if my deceased father can man up like that, this should be nothing.

    After training we sat in my hot tub and talked for a few hours and then it happend. It was like smoke clearing away, everything was brighter, cleaner, more detailed (just like you said Willow!). I even waved my hand in front of me a few times thinking it was the steam from the hot tub. It only lasted a few minutes, but it was clear to me right then and there, this is what is GOING to happen.

    So now here I sit, after reading everything everyone has written I just hope this story will do what Willow's did to me. I apologize it is so long, but like her I want to have this to look back on. I have fought many times in my life, but this one I cannot lose.

    I am going to take my Xanex tonight because I dont have to be up until 8, hopefully I can sleep a bit. I am exhausted and covered in bruises so I definitely should! Also Willow, I calculated my cost of pills in the last year.... around $24,000 per year, God that pisses me off.

    Thank you again for everything, I look forward to reading this thread in 30 days with a smile on my face and more money in my pocket. If you are reading this and wanting to quit...
    Last edited by ddcmod; 06-04-2012 at 06:27 PM.

  2. #2
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    16,689

    Default

    Strengthnow ....... Best of luck to you and keep us posted on your progress. You need to post regularly, BEFORE you use anything, and tell us specifically what we can do to help. You know there is a lot of good support here.

    Took me 35 years of using to get clean, don't end up like me! Have ten years clean now but life would have SOOO different had I cleaned up in my 20s or 30s! I could have accomplished so much more than I did. God bless.
    Strengthnow likes this.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  3. #3
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    Strength, welcome man, glad to have you, if my dumba#@ can get clean/sober anyone can! Like Robert I spent a lot of years out there. You do not have to be a low bottom addict. Keep posting all here are supportive and want to help. God does do for us what we cannot do for ourselves.Your story is not that much different from the rest of us, we didn't ask for this disease but like winning the lottery have the right genes and BINGO! lol
    Glad to do anythign I can to help God Bless Surfdog

  4. #4
    Strengthnow is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    40

    Default

    Well it's 11:15, just got home from 2 hours in the gym and I am completely whiped out, but in a good way.

    Surfdog you are the man, you seem like a guy I could grab a beer with and watch a football game. If youa re ever in Newport Beach let me know, cant say how much I appreciate the support.

    Robert, do I even need to say thank you? Based on what I read I am not sure if you are a human or something else, just always know what to say. I like the monk reference I read somewhere to you, kinda makes me straighten up and pay attention when you say something.

    I keep getting those bits of clarity, for just a few minutes. I feel such utter exhaustion, but pushing through it seems to help a lot. The amount I am sweating is simply not human, sensei just keeps reminding me its the bad stuff coming out Not only that but it seems to be making me more and more angry, at the fact that this has had a hold on me.

    What have I missed in these last few years?

    Thank you all again and Robert thank you for reminding me to take a closer look at my friends "xanex". It is really Ativan, I will not take it tonight as I do not think I will need it. Will await your response hopefully tomorrow or whenever you happen to have the time.

    Thank you and God Bless

    day 3 down

  5. #5
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    Sounds like fun except wouldn't be able to see the SEC until championship time in Newport lol. Be kind to yourself, focus not on what you have missed but what you have to gain. We had enough misery while out there. Getting clean/sober is about being able to enjoy life, and living it on "life's terms" which at times can suck. Robert is right about the xanax it worse than the opiates and more addictive at lower doses.
    Slow down mentally you did not get this sick over night you won't get well over night process not an occurance as my friend Robert puts it.
    You are doing this it just takes time, getting the chemical out of the body is the easy part, learning how to live again taakes some time. Here for you bro Surfdog
    Robert_325 and Strengthnow like this.

  6. #6
    Strengthnow is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    40

    Default

    Ok, day 4

    Today sucks, I slept actually pretty decently last night. Somewhere around 1130-430, one thing I am very happy about is not having to get up to pee twice a night anymore. Alway scared me what that was doing to my liver and pancreas.

    Just flat out exhausted, had to work out in the field from 9-3 today and I just got nothing left. This has to be mental is all I can think of, all I did was drive about 150 miles and talk to three clients during that time. Meanwhile the other days I was burning thousands of calories and felt better. Maybe its just a case of the "day fours".

    Does working out really help that much?

    Unfortunately no moments of clarity today, very excited in the morning making my calls from home. But being out and about was just rough and after my first 50 miles of driving and first meeting everything was just a tired haze.

    I think you are right surfdog and this is just me having to take too much on today mentally. Unfortunately I am not going to be able to slow down until Thursday afternoon.

    I have a meeting tomorrow at 7:30 that is a huge opportunity and I cant miss it or mess it up. It is an hour and a half drive from me though, thinking about driving up to get a hotel for the night.

    Cravings are there, luckily the pissed off thing is still holding up. Every time I get a craving I seem to just mad thnking that is why i am so tired.

    Crazy I never understood how people could say it was hard to type but I am eating my words now. Just so tired.

    Thanks again for the support, surfdog I am a huge anti-USC guy so I would def be cheering SEC nwith you! The cHargers are the only team I really care about, everything else ist just fun to watch.

    Funny note, got a call from my dealer asking if my sensei was serious. lol It's almost worth taking just one single pill and telling him to "see what happens". JK JK JK, I wouldnt, trust me the hate just keeps on building.

    Thank you again for the support all, its funny how much I look forward to someone posting on this. Makes me feel less alone.

    God Bless, and if you have a spare moment say a prayer for me as tomorrow could be company altering for me.

    Much love.

    Day 4, almost done...
    Robert_325 and clevername like this.

  7. #7
    ClassiqueMom is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    814

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Strengthnow View Post
    ....and if you have a spare moment say a prayer for me as tomorrow could be company altering for me.

    Much love.

    Day 4, almost done...
    you can count on those prayers.. from me,
    AND
    from many others who i know WILL say a prayer, but just
    won't get around to posting to let you know :-/

    try to remember, as caughtagain/reid says,

    this too, shall pass..

    just keep hanging in there!
    with each hour, you are 1 step farther away from the stronghold!

    blessings to you!
    Classique MoM

  8. #8
    willow22 is offline Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    114

    Default

    I said a prayer for you too. (And then also tossed in all the rest of us pickles for good measure. )
    You're doing well, keep posting, it absolutely helps. And you are so NOT alone!
    Strengthnow likes this.

  9. #9
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    Hey strength, When you start craving think about this to ask your dealer Hey Mr Drug Dealer I want you to sell me some of those :divorce, ruined relationship; bunkruptcy; hurt the ones I love, lying;stealing; jail riuned reputation; no self respect pills so I can feel good. Tough to use on the truth
    Exercise does help but the operative word here is moderation my man, we tend to operate in two modes ,flat out or stopped. Takes time to find the middle ground, and that comes with time and practice. If you are into meditation that helps a lot.Remember about 7 days of bad flu like symptoms. google the Thomas Recipe it will help a lot along with protein shakes.

    Careful with anger especially if directed at someone, easy to fall into that mindset of "I'll show you I'll get me" Slow down some pushing yourself to hard, can't make this happen it has a certain process that must be followed. Also not telling you not to drink,however if you do , be VERY careful alcohol and opiates effect the brain in a lot of the same ways. Both are sedative hyptnoic CNS depresents cross tolerance is a common occcurance.
    And there was a moment of clarity, if you were craving and did not use that is clarity and a big change in behavior, Lighten up on yourself.
    You have more praying for you than you know
    and about USC agee 100%
    Hang tight man we are with you. God Bless Surfdog
    Strengthnow likes this.

  10. #10
    Strengthnow is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    40

    Default

    Surfdog I couldn't agree more with what you said. I haven't really had anything bad happen in my life yet in these four days so i will have to be careful when it does, i will need you guys then.

    I agree about drinking, to be honest this clarity thing is really impressing me. Gonna try it substance free for 30 days (cept my coffee!) and evaluate what I want to do, the adivan were happily shot like a basketball in the toilet. I've read that Tylenol PM is fine but the idea just kind of upsets me, reminds me of my weakness possibly?

    My only anger so far is exactly because of those things you posted, did i push my beautiful girlfriend away? Was the me on even a few pills enough to drive the wedge?

    I will not think of those things, I feel comfortable that we weren't right, but i still wonder....

    Worked out at the dojo and am at the Marriott now, 7:30 meeting. The tiredness from earlier is gone, I have had a solid hour of that clarity. Started crying twice because of how happy I feel, it's such a weird feeling to be happy... that I am happy?

    I heard myself laugh today, couldnt believe it was me, honestly didn't recognize it.

    Thank you all, now I can happily say.

    Day 4 down
    Last edited by Strengthnow; 06-06-2012 at 12:26 AM. Reason: Additional thought

  11. #11
    Strengthnow is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    40

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by surfdog View Post

    ... And there was a moment of clarity, if you were craving and did not use that is clarity and a big change in behavior, Lighten up on yourself.
    You have more praying for you than you know.....
    Hang tight man we are with you. God Bless Surfdog

    Didn't understand that until I reread your post. Thank you, seriously, thank you.

  12. #12
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    No thank you, the chance to help someone is a blessing,"can't keep unless you give it away'
    The sleep will come back, just takes time. Things work out the way they are supposed to, with the girlfriend, there is no such thing as luck, or coincidence. Believe me I've seen and experienced enough to know that. You are doing well. Facing the truth about ourselves is tough to do, initially it's God that was me, then the longer we are clean/sober we start to see the good we never thought was there. Would suggest NA/AA meeting though that support is of great value. Really do want you to make it God. Bless Surfdog
    Last edited by ddcmod; 06-06-2012 at 05:46 AM.
    Strengthnow likes this.

  13. #13
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    2,225

    Default


    Strengthnow,

    Just wanted to chime in with a good word and my prayers. You have a lot working for you in this journey, and I do hope you can succeed at long-term recovery.

    I think all of us have gone through that anger/heartache of realizing what we did while using - and what we lost. It's a really painful process, but we have to get through those feelings to get to the other side. I've come to realize that I had to lose everything I lost in order to reach that place where true desperation hit. Sometimes, that's the only way we can turn this around.

    The anger may be working in your favor right now, but we can't stay clean on sheer determination and anger. We need more. This disease is far too powerful, far too sneaky for us to think we can just storm our way into recovery with sheer willpower. This disease doesn't go away; it's with us for life. It will whisper in your ear at any moment of weakness, and we need some powerful ammunition not to cave. That's how NA or AA helps. Through the 12 steps, we learn more about who we are - and we go about changing ourselves from the inside. Drugs were our # 1 coping tool to deal with strong emotions or situations that tested us; basically, through the steps we develop healthier coping skills, so we don't slip backwards. I urge you to get to some meetings and give it a chance.

    Also, I'm glad to hear you're trying this with 100% abstinance for now. I hope and pray you keep it that way. Booze is just another drug - just in liquid form. It's no different than popping a pill. All drugs of addiction operate on the same neural pathways within us, trigger the same places in our brain. So having a drink is teasing your disease to react.

    Wonderful to hear how you're experiencing those moments of clarity - and feeling some of *good* feelings you've probably been missing out on! I'll keep you in my prayers.

    God bless,
    Ruth
    Strengthnow and surfdog like this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  14. #14
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    Man Artist gave you some invaluable advice there, please listen Surfdog
    Strengthnow likes this.

  15. #15
    Strengthnow is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    40

    Default

    Ruth/Artist

    I have to be honest, I was really really hoping to avoid going. I know a lot of people around where I am and that getting out could be breaking. I employ 16 people and run an 12 million dollar revenue company that relies a lot on local distribution, the "what if's" just terrify me.

    Do the 12 steps help? Would a church possibly have these same groups?

    I can say with almost certainty you are probably right, as much as I hate to. Because it is funny how you put it "whispering" in your ear. Honestly it was a great day and I'm gonna have to journal it after this post.

    Although I had literally zero hard cravings today, there were four or five times when I felt what you described. A whisper, "lets celebrate", "tonight will be so relaxing", "one wont hurt". i dont know if that would exactly describe it but tiny little nudges.

    Wierd....

    Any advice? Or should I roll the dice and go to a public group?

  16. #16
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    Hey strong man , that is why they call it annominous (sp) it is completely confidential. who else are you going to see but other addicts? They going to tell on themselves to tell on you? And besides we are always the last one to find out,hell everyone in 37 states and at 3 third world countries knew before i did lol. Ruth is right the support is needed and will do you a world of good I second what she said 100% . Fear the using more than being known, fear can be your ally Surfdog the cool dog lol
    Strengthnow likes this.

  17. #17
    Strengthnow is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    40

    Default

    Day 5,

    Fell asleep about 11:00 in my comfy Marriot bed ...

    I woke up at 5:30, and smiled.

    My eyes didnt feel heavy, my vision was a little clearer and I WANTED to get out of bed. Maybe it was my big meeting or maybe its just what I can expect to look forward to, but it was great.

    I got together my stuff for my presentation and sat at a Starbucks at 6:30 to breath a little and get a cup of coffee. How relaxing, being outside was so welcoming when it used to be bright and annoying, yet another strange occurance. Was there too long and had too much coffee, laughed at how I was tapping my steering wheel to music. (Some Nights by Fun. has to be the catchiest song ever)

    Met with a distribution rep and the presentation went smoothe as silk, we had a better product at a better price and it was all downhill from there. Got a great tour of the facility, laughed at how he said they spent $1,000,000 on electricity per month with a smile (isnt that insane?).

    Happily shook hands with my rep as we both closed a ton of new business and got in the car. Got my first whisper for the day. "Call so and so to celebrate tonight"....

    However, I had not yet yawned once.

    The rest of the day was great, I had one meeting in Oceanside and then a lunch in Irvine. Then at 2:00 it was off to the dojo, had a light 45 min workout with my sensei and asked if he would help me practice meditation techniques as mentioned. It was really great actually, he recomended we try a sauna tomorrow so I can concentrate on complete proper breathing. Practice makes perfect I guess even in meditaion.

    After we were done it was a little after 3 and I didnt feel like going home yet. I went to Best Buy and bought an iPad for my God Daughter and kinda bounced around looking at cool stuff. Can you believe the damn TV's they have out now?

    On the way home I got my second "whisper" of the day as I was coming up the street to my place. "tonight will be so relaxing"

    I had about another hour worth of emails to do so finished those up quickly, then decided to browse my favorite political forums, I dont think I have mentioned but I am pretty active in politics. I would consider myself heavily economically conservative and slightly socially liberal. Anyways, I got into a private discussion with a progressive I usually tear into and at the end we joked that we had figured out how to fix the world! Ha, I smiled at the calmness I had and then got my third whipser "one wouldnt hurt"...

    Ugh, so now its 6 and I decided to come here where I have felt most comfortable in the last few days.

    So staying active is key apparantly, it seems every moment of happiness also seemed to trigger. Wierd, my body is not happy enough with being happy that it searches for the pills? Still havent felt sad yet, what a great time to withdrawl I guess.

    I read a post where someone described being an addict as going through peaks and valleys. It feels strange not doing that, almost like my body is trying to push it higher, that is the part that worries me. Will going low make my body also want to push itself lower?

    Oh well, thats why everyone says its for life. So far so good though, I havent had a hard craving all day and really feel like instead of moments of clarity they were moments of cloudiness. Twice, once in a 45 mile drive and another kinda right now after I got done talking politics. Still though that is great news to me.

    It was a really, really great day.

    Thank you all, God bless.
    Comeback Kid likes this.

  18. #18
    Strengthnow is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    40

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by surfdog View Post
    Hey strong man , that is why they call it annominous (sp) it is completely confidential. who else are you going to see but other addicts? They going to tell on themselves to tell on you?

    LOL so true, ask a stupid question and .....

    Thanks bud

  19. #19
    clevername is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    73

    Default

    hey man good looks on what sounds like an awesome day. when it comes time you're thinkin about using what I've been doing is just making it equivalent to a friend of mine that's dead. I would love to see them again and hang out, but they're dead. It's not gonna happen in this lifetime. There isn't any more such thing as taking some norcos and having a good night, there's just wondering whether you've peaked, whether you should take another, whether you should have ate less food so it'd absorb better, whether the extra .3g of tylenol is _really_ gonna make a difference, how you can get more... Either craving or asleep but never satisfied. At least that's how it feels for me man.

    That's awesome you're enjoying life so much man. I'm experiencing a lot of fatigue myself but there is a sort of manic euphoria that comes and goes when my brain starts high-fiving itself a little bit. And I could see how one could get into a little honeymoon phase and think that you can do anything... including use. But I'm on the lookout for any shuck and jive by mister smarty pants brain up there. Other than that though, I think good feelings are good... enjoy yourself.

  20. #20
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    strong man & clevername, ya'll's mind like a bad neighborhood, you don't need to go in there by yourself yet"go to meetings, read the literature, get a sponsor, work the steps trust a God of your understanding, I and promise you, one of the few I can make , is you ain't seen nothing yet: do above you will get back 1000 X what you invest. Think about it, if it didn't get better would any of us still be sober/clean, why hell NO, we would have gone back out a long time ago! Sssoooooo if it worked for us wouldn't work for you ? It ain't rocket science guys lol

    Enjoy the cloud, I've been there too But beware there is no zealot as a reformed sinner, take of yourselves and your recovery FIRST without it you have misery In Ya'lls corner Surfdog

  21. #21
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    2,225

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Strengthnow View Post
    Ruth/Artist

    I have to be honest, I was really really hoping to avoid going. I know a lot of people around where I am and that getting out could be breaking. I employ 16 people and run an 12 million dollar revenue company that relies a lot on local distribution, the "what if's" just terrify me.

    Do the 12 steps help? Would a church possibly have these same groups?

    I can say with almost certainty you are probably right, as much as I hate to. Because it is funny how you put it "whispering" in your ear. Honestly it was a great day and I'm gonna have to journal it after this post.

    Although I had literally zero hard cravings today, there were four or five times when I felt what you described. A whisper, "lets celebrate", "tonight will be so relaxing", "one wont hurt". i dont know if that would exactly describe it but tiny little nudges.

    Wierd....

    Any advice? Or should I roll the dice and go to a public group?
    Strengthnow,

    There are 12-step groups that are aligned with churches. It's a program called "Celebrate Recovery" and here's a link to their site, which should help you to find a nearby meeting: http://www.celebraterecovery.com/

    The biggest drawback, so I've heard, is that it is quite unlikely that you will be able to find daily meetings of Celebrate Recovery, as it isn't as widespread as NA or AA. I know that daily meetings sound like a lot, but keep in mind, our addiction was a 24/7/365 thing - and early on in recovery, we need daily help. As time goes on, you can ease up on the daily groups.

    Of course, as Surfdog said, AA or NA is anonymous, and the understanding of the group is that "who you see here stays here." But there are folks who gossip, as there are everywhere. Here's some links to finding local meetings:

    NA: http://www.na.org/
    AA: http://www.aa.org/

    Those "whispering" thoughts sounds very normal at this stage of the game. Some whispers are even more subconscious, and those are the ones that can really trip us up. When the tough times hit, the whisper is generally along the lines of, "a pill would really help right about now - just to ease up the stress..." We've crossed that line into addiction, and with that, our minds and emotions seek out the "quick fix" of a pill. We must develop the skills to replace that kind of thinking.

    Many, many people are reluctant to be "seen" at a meeting - and that keeps them from going. But it really comes down to getting a clear perspective on what's important. We have a powerful, complex disease that wants us dead. We have to fight it with everything we've got, if we're to succeed, long-term. Somehow, a little gossip pales by comparison...

    Keep up the good work!

    God bless,
    Ruth

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  22. #22
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    16,689

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ARTIST658 View Post
    Strengthnow,

    There are 12-step groups that are aligned with churches. It's a program called "Celebrate Recovery" and here's a link to their site, which should help you to find a nearby meeting: http://www.celebraterecovery.com/

    The biggest drawback, so I've heard, is that it is quite unlikely that you will be able to find daily meetings of Celebrate Recovery, as it isn't as widespread as NA or AA. I know that daily meetings sound like a lot, but keep in mind, our addiction was a 24/7/365 thing - and early on in recovery, we need daily help. As time goes on, you can ease up on the daily groups.

    Of course, as Surfdog said, AA or NA is anonymous, and the understanding of the group is that "who you see here stays here." But there are folks who gossip, as there are everywhere. Here's some links to finding local meetings:

    NA: http://www.na.org/
    AA: http://www.aa.org/

    Those "whispering" thoughts sounds very normal at this stage of the game. Some whispers are even more subconscious, and those are the ones that can really trip us up. When the tough times hit, the whisper is generally along the lines of, "a pill would really help right about now - just to ease up the stress..." We've crossed that line into addiction, and with that, our minds and emotions seek out the "quick fix" of a pill. We must develop the skills to replace that kind of thinking.

    Many, many people are reluctant to be "seen" at a meeting - and that keeps them from going. But it really comes down to getting a clear perspective on what's important. We have a powerful, complex disease that wants us dead. We have to fight it with everything we've got, if we're to succeed, long-term. Somehow, a little gossip pales by comparison...

    Keep up the good work!

    God bless,
    Ruth



    Ruth ..... I will make one kind of long comment about the lack of daily Celebrate Recovery meetings. If a person lives in a really rural area it can be tough to fnd multiple meetings on a weekly basis. However, in a city like I live in Houston, Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church has multiple meetings, our church has meetings every week, there are numerous churches in a pretty confined area that hold meetings on a regular basis. So if a person is willing to put the effort into making the meetings at the various locations, even if they have to drive thirty minutes to the various meetings, there are Celebrate Recovery meetings on a regular basis, even on a daily basis.

    You know well that if addicts will put forth the effort to make the meetings at the different meeting locations that are in reality availabe on a nearly daily basis, putting forth the same effort they put into obtaining their drugs, Celebrate Recovery meetings are available to those who are as serious about their recovery as they were about scoring drugs!

    I think back to the extremes I would go to in order to obtain my drugs. If a recovering addict will put that same amount of effort into finding a Celebrate Recovery meeting they will be successful. It's just a matter of how serious we are about seeking out the many available meetings vs seeking out drugs. I can't believe the lengths I would go to in order to obtain my drugs years ago. If I put that same effort into finding regular Celebrate Recovery meetings I would find them just as easily as I located my drugs.

    Celebrate Recovery is not as old of a recovery process as AA or NA obviously. And while its principles are based around the 12 steps of recovery, it IS Christ-based recovery and maybe not for everyone just starting out in recovery. Lots of us need to spend some time "healing" before we are ready to accept that God loves us and will help us in our recovery. But I can locate LOTS of Celebrate Recovery meetings in a city of any size. The meetings are available on a daily basis, or near daily basis. And Celebrate Recovery is not just about drug and alcohol addiction. It covers the widest spectrum of personal problems that I've seen in any recovery program. It's growing at an unbelieveable rate and the rate of relapse is much lower in Celebrate Recovery than in typical 12 step programs as once a person truly accepts Christ in their life they change, they don't want to use anymore!

    I started the Celebrate Recovery group in a couple churches and it's been amazing to see the success of the Christ-based principles. It used to bother me in NA when I would see people with over ten years of recovery having affairs with other people's spouses, etc. You know where I'm coming from. You could score drugs in the parking lot after the meetings as so many people were at the meetings due to court order, to save their job, etc. Celebrate Recovery meetings are, for the most part, people who are looking for something more in their life. I believe Celebrate Recovery will be the gold standard in recovery meetings in the not so distant future simply due to the types of meetings that exist and the people who attend. I've never seen anyone buying drugs at a Celebrate Recovery meeting, anyone having affairs, it's about God at these meetings. And no one has to refer to a Higher Power, it's about Jesus. Again it isn't for everyone but for those who get really involved they will see their life change for the better. And there are plenty of meetings available. God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  23. #23
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    Hey Robert , you are right put 1/2 the effort into recovery that we put into scoring we would be so healthy we couldn't stand ourselves! Have driven to Fla and back in the same day just to score. Know little about Celebrate Recovery, but I am not one of those that states AA/NA is the only way, if it works great any of them. Objective is for people to get clean. Iv'e seen meetings I only attended once and never went back for some of the same reasons. Get a bunch of addicts/drunks in a room that is a lot of sick people. Just because they are in a meeting does not mean they are getting better. That is why I always tell people listen for the Quality, not the quantity.
    Know some been sober 25 yrs just as miserable as the day they walked in. Never worked a program
    Take care Surfdog
    Robert_325 likes this.

  24. #24
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    16,689

    Default

    Surfdog ..... Just for your knowledge you should check out a few Celebrate Recovery meetings sometime! Guarantee you that you'll be impressed. The books and materials used are all written by Rick Warren who wrote The Purpose Driven Life. It's really a good program and I know that you would enjoy it. Hope you check it out.

    And you are so right in that pure time in itself doesn't equate recovery. I was still messed up at five years clean. That is one reason I fought all the time here on the forum when I first got here. Thought I knew it all, when all I knew was how to not use. I had not experienced recovery. It wasn't until I allowed Christ into my life that I truly changed. Had worked the 12 steps four times, did all kinds of service work and was still messed up. I just wasn't using. That was an improvement over the OLD ME, but I still had the big hole inside me until I got right with God. That is just me. But I think it's a natural progression for those who are really trying to work a good recovery program. God bless.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  25. #25
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    Robert my sponsor and I had been thinking about trying some new meetings so i think I will check it out. Over the years I've noticed two things required for good solid recovery: humility and spirituality and humility is required for the spirituality. I know what I experience going in for by pass surgery, I was NOT alone, I cannot put words to that feeling, but it was real. It has never failed that I got what I needed when I needed it the most.
    My sponsor told me it would take 3-5 years for me to turn the corner, I was a sick twisted puppy. But that was just me. Life on lifes terms is sometimes hard to accept but with the spiriuality it is so much easier.
    I don't believe, I know there is powers so much greater than we can understand, and we don't have to understand just to accept God Bless my friend. Surfdog
    Strengthnow and Robert_325 like this.

  26. #26
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    16,689

    Default

    Dog .... let me know how it goes when you make the meetings! I know you'll love them. I'm off to a business meeting, will be back this afternoon. Take care. God bless.
    Strengthnow likes this.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  27. #27
    Strengthnow is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    40

    Default

    Goooooooooooood morning forum friends!!!!

    Went to bed at 11:00 and woke up at 6! Ripped, roaring and ready to go.

    Interesting way to put it dog, spirituality and humility. I have always been a spiritual person but wasn't ready to quit until I found at least a shred of humility in myself. Good lesson for those reading and wanting to quit.

    I found a two times a week program at Crossroads near my mothers house. It is Wed and Fri and I have always loved the pastor there as I go about once a month to keep my widowed mom company. I'll update

    It is about 30 minute drive from my house, I am sorry if I am being weak in deciding to go so far away but I feel it us a good happy medium. Besides it is the church that I go to and hopefully will take me from going once a month to regularly. I used to go to church by myself in high school. Sad that my drug use and druggy college friends broke that habit.

    Thanks so much again guys. I am starting to see how many of you stay in this forum long term to help, I want people to feel how I am starting to. For lack of a better word, it's invigorating.

    I feel great, my eyes are not heavy at all and I am ready to take on the day.

    Let's see what ya got day 6!

  28. #28
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Macon GA/Montana/Wyoming
    Posts
    944

    Default

    Doing great there strong man! proud for you Surfdog
    Strengthnow likes this.

  29. #29
    Strengthnow is offline Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    40

    Default

    Day 6

    Made my first post on the forum and worked on the computer for an hour or two.

    After that the day started off a little low, I talked to an old college friend and found out many of my old friends are turning outto be really bad people. A great friend that still lives there was venting a lot of his personal dillemas to me and it put me in my first little depression. All of them are still in the "scene" so the lies that go around are just sad. Makes me realize how stupid it was to be proud of my "asshole" stigma in college. Cant believe how bad it looks on the outside.

    Very, very low. I had been worried about this, I kinda putted around the house for a while and felt so frustrated and saddened that I had lost friends it seemed. I ended up coming on here for a while and after reading for a while realized I needed to go release.

    Figured instead of working I would first head to the gym for an hour and sat in the steam room for about 20 minutes working on breathing techniques. I also seem to have gotten past most of the profuse sweating as this was the first workout either at the gym or dojo where I wasnt covered in sweat. Seemed like a good sign.

    Took meetings for the next few hours and felt great, things were going really well all day and then at about 4:00 we hit a major snag. My office manager had FORGOTTEN to ship the initial order for that big meeting I had earlier in the week. You have got to be kidding me....

    It was pretty cool though. She came into my office with our shipping director and started apologizing like crazy. I kinda smiled and honestly said "Listen the damage is done, I dont think we will lose the account and I will make sure to take care of this. Mistakes happen, just dont make them a habit."

    I spoke with the purchaser of the account and (told a little lie) explianed the truck had arrived late on Wednesday so it would not arrive until tomorrow, Friday, morning. And if there was another problem I would personally drive enough over to get them through.

    I walked out of my office and my employees were looking at me like scared dogs. Was I this much of an asshole?

    I laughed and told everyone to leave 17 minutes early, what a great feeling all of it was going trough the whole process.

    I have training again tonight and am looking forward to seeing if this is the first action I get without being completely drenched in sweat. Will my breathing be better? My timing? My accuracy?

    This is honestly starting to get really exciting, I only had a single craving whisper or whatever you want to call it in the morning. Just need to keep busy, hopefully the meetings tomorrow night will give me an idea to cope with it other than that. It would suck if I get that feeling while on a work trip, guess it would be impossible to get pills too but I'd rather be prepared.

    Keep reading my story if you want to quit. The feeling is so great, day by day it just gets better and better.

    Day 6 dow.... up
    surfdog and clevername like this.

  30. #30
    clevername is offline Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    73

    Default

    Man I love the story of how you dealt with the shipping screw-up. It is crazy how much when I look around me (and at myself sometimes) I see that people channel the way that they feel into other people. If my boss is in a bad mood, I sure find out about it quick. It's the most natural reaction to snap at people when you're not feeling good yourself. I've made a real conscious effort in the past to not do that as much, but still didn't feel well. I think an even better solution is to figure out how to make yourself happy and then you won't need to snap at anyone.

    When I was doing the firefighting for our client yesterday, I was flabbergasted that there was not even a slight indication in tone from the client that this mistake could have cost them millions of dollars. He was totally calm, reasonable, even friendly, and we concentrated on figuring out what was wrong and fixing it. There are people who have been able to cultivate a certain serenity. I know we're all messed up on the inside, no one's really got it together, and everyone's got their own issues - but it seems like work can actually be done to improve ourselves.

    That was probably kinda off-topic but I've been doing more thinking about... how to live... in the last week than in a while so, there it is.
    Strengthnow and surfdog like this.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22