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This time-doing it right.
  1. #1
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    Post This time-doing it right.

    ok...so i deviated from the plan. I was hoping to jump. And i thought i was ready to jump..
    ...but got my toes wet and jumped back OUT of the water.
    I didn't have my own thread last time-i guess subconciously trying to fly under the radar-while posting what i wanted to hear/do.
    This time i want to TRULY be honest. I realized that was my biggest downfall last time. I was suppressing the shame of my dishonesty/downfalls/obstacles.
    A little backstory: I went to a detox facility with my boyfriend, 6 wks ago this past saturday, to detox from both xanax and opiates.
    whilst i stayed off the xanax..i stayed ON subs. my boyfriend did it right, and got off after 2.
    i of course (the addict that i am) didn't, and lied to him about it. The guilt has made me feel terrible, and started the cycle of using again.
    i've weaned myself down to (now) .25. and started the skips. i skipped yesterday. dosed this morning..and decided enough was enough.
    I'm jumping tomorrow.
    Now, i'm active in AA and NA...
    scratch that. i wasn't actively involved. i went to meetings with my boyfriend.
    i reached out today..called a girl i didn't know, and revealed my secret. we are now going to a meeting, so i can pick up a white chip. i'm starting over from scratch. HONESTLY & INVOLVED.
    still...a dilemma..i'm having a problem being honest w/my boyfriend. i'm not ready to tell him.
    please some input, if you think this is detramental to my sobriety. I really just don't know what to say. especially with him doing so well in his recovery. i'm just not ready.
    I'd really appreciate some support through this process.
    This time, I'm TRUSTING in God, something i didn't do last time. Your prayers would be lovely
    any feedback/encouragement.. ANYTHING really lol..would be most appreciated. I see how much supporrt you guys give eachother. I think i need that too.
    feel free to keep me in check. my pride is one of my biggest downfalls.
    thalia45, Robert_325 and surfdog like this.

  2. #2
    thalia45 is offline Member
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    Toni, I can't believe there is not a "higher Power" involved in all this; every time I re-do a wd, I am much more aware of 1. That I have another chance ...and 2. maybe there is wisdom to be gained from all this. I certainly hope so.

    I'm here with you and will check daily; being totally selfish- I need the connection...

  3. #3
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    yeah me too. thank you for posting on roberts thread that i hijacked, trying to stay under the radar lol.
    maybe we can do this together? how many days clean are you now? you'll be my role model

    "you can't save your ass and your face at the same time"

    sponsor's words of wisdom. love it.
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  4. #4
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    sorry..i didn't realize you were still tapering. maybe i can be your role model? lol

  5. #5
    Robert_325 is offline Retired
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    Quote Originally Posted by toni.s. View Post
    sorry..i didn't realize you were still tapering. maybe i can be your role model? lol


    toni ...... proud of you for stepping up and doing this right! Just know I'm here if I can help. NA will be a huge asset for you as you are being honest and participating. That is what it takes. Having a buddy to go to meetings with helps. Now get a sponsor, work those 12 steps over time and your life will never be the same. God bless.
    surfdog likes this.
    I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.

  6. #6
    thalia45 is offline Member
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    Hi Toni, I am still hanging in there at 3 10-325 Norcos a day. I have two weekends of (sailing, sigh- a place where you need your faculties). I think I can get it down to two or maybe one, but I am afraid to quit before these next two weekends are over. When that is done then I think I can quit and it the wd can be handled.

    But I know one of the awful things about wd is the physical. My husband has just been through a year of prostate cancer treatment (declared cancer free-we will know for sure if he stays that way for 5 years) but then his 44 year old son died (overeating-400#) and truly the only thing he is looking forward to are these two weekends.

    I know I can do the rest of the wd on dry land and with the help of this site, but I just can't ruin these two events for him.

    I am glad to have a pal; I wish you well on the "jump". I know nothing about "subs" but I do know it can be pretty bad. Hopefully you are at so little it will be mild. Let's keep in touch.

  7. #7
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    yes..physically w/ding is horrible. but i truly believe that it's more mental than anything. we've all been sick..we've all been in pain..and somehow we got through it before. before we were introduced to drugs. my problem is that i have no life coping skills. things get tough, and i reach for a drug/drink/ANYTHING! you know every time i tried to skip a day, i couldn't get past 4?lol and if i did, when it came night time-forget about it! until i did skip a day..and in retrospect..oh my gosh..it wasn't RLY that bad.
    i guess what i'm tring to say is that i don't think it will matter if ur at sea or on land. the best advice i can give u is to really want it. and when YOUR'RE READY, you'll just do it.
    get out of ur head! ur stressing about it too much, and not wanting it. you sound like me so i understand.
    but look forward to it instead. i'm trying to embrace it.
    it's not easy, but it truly IS EASIER this way. and you said you believe in a higher power? i do too. but i wasn't TRUSTING HIM. as addicts, i believe we're control freaks. put it in HIS hands instead. you wont die, i promise! lol

  8. #8
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    i would love to have a buddy on this, so i'll be here with you the whole way. just be honest with me, and i promise you'll make progress. TRUST ME- i lied to myself and everyone else TRYING to do it my way. and i made a mess of it and felt horrible. we're addicts..it'll happen. so tell me if it does, i'll not only UNDERSTAND!-but i'll help you get back up too. whenever you WANT to.but i'll still be here regardless.i believe that's all some of us need. me included-so plz promise me the same thing we're only human after all.
    as robert says- "It's not an event, it's a process"

  9. #9
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    I understand where you are coming from and get your points... All valid and at one time or another I felt them all. I think for many years my spiritual guide and higher power was that pill... Yep.. Feel good, go to my higher power, feel stressed go to my higher power, feel bad.... Well, you get the idea.. But it sounds as though you are mentaly ready and I also agree that is key to getting started... In the big scheme of things getting clean is easy, it is having the tools to stay clean... that is what will guide you through the rocky waters of life and what it throws at you all the time. I feel as though if I would have gone to an organized place such as (Insert support group here), I would have not gone through a bazillion WD's, but as Azul says, it is what it is and we can't change the past. As far as who you share or who you tell... That is a personal choice.. When I went through things my first time many years ago, I chose to tell anyone who would listen.. What it meant? Not much, because at the end of the day I relapsed.. So this last time, when I came on here, I told no one. I decided that what I was doing was for me and while the outcome would eventualy help everything from my relationships to work etc... I did not need to shout on high from the mountain top, MY ACTIONS OF DOING IT would show in the end result. That was almost 3 years ago. In any event, we are here for you. This is a great place and the people on here either "get it" or are trying their best to figure out what "it" is and working to achieve that. All my Best, Reid
    Last edited by caughtagain; 05-31-2012 at 06:51 AM.

  10. #10
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    yeah lol we all talk a great talk. mostly because we never followed through with the walking part-atleast for me anyways.
    i tried the not telling anybody-and that didn't work for me. mainly cuz i wasn't ready i believe. and i also suppress. honesty is hard for me-i don't talk about feelings. i down talk about downfalls. i don't talk about obstacles. i stay in my head, and beat myself up. and then i use once it overwhelms me. my intentions are always good. it's just never worked out for me. i'm trying to do the opposite of what i'm used to. trying to learn some coping skills i guess. lol. i hear talking things through can really help-and one verbalized, it becomes REAL. another issue of mine. i don't know where my world ends and the rest begins lol! i'm serious.
    anyways- my heart has been hurting sporadically for about a wk now? i'll get a wierd pain in my chest. has anyone else experienced this? or should i be worried?

  11. #11
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Pains in the chest are a tricky one and should always be checked out.. For me, when I was getting clean I had a miriad of symptoms. Best things to do is get a good physical and see where you body is at after the beating you have put it through by using. Then, use that starting point to get into a new habit of treating your body better. Reid
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  12. #12
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    good advice reid. thanks.
    and congratulations on upcoming 3 yrs! that's awesome.
    you must be very proud.
    Last edited by toni.s.; 05-31-2012 at 07:35 AM.
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  13. #13
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    thalia Everything about recovery is paradoxial. I win by losing, Lose the battle win the war when we quit fighting and surrender to know we can't beat this disease we start winning, Be selfish to be selfless, do what I must for my recovery putting it above everything but my God so that I might be selfless and give to others especially those I love( no longer giving them misery) actually having something to give. Giving to keep. When my first sponsor told me I did more for him than he did for me I thought he had lost his mind. Now I understand, when we give to others it gets me out of myself not being self centered and closer to my Higher Power.
    Right now you be selfish it is what you need to do.As far as telling any one, the rule of thumb I used was what is their reason for wanting to know,morbid curiosity, or because they care. hang Tight and god Bless Surfdog
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  14. #14
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by toni.s. View Post
    yeah lol we all talk a great talk. mostly because we never followed through with the walking part-atleast for me anyways.
    i tried the not telling anybody-and that didn't work for me. mainly cuz i wasn't ready i believe. and i also suppress. honesty is hard for me-i don't talk about feelings. i down talk about downfalls. i don't talk about obstacles. i stay in my head, and beat myself up. and then i use once it overwhelms me. my intentions are always good. it's just never worked out for me. i'm trying to do the opposite of what i'm used to. trying to learn some coping skills i guess. lol. i hear talking things through can really help-and one verbalized, it becomes REAL. another issue of mine. i don't know where my world ends and the rest begins lol! i'm serious.
    anyways- my heart has been hurting sporadically for about a wk now? i'll get a wierd pain in my chest. has anyone else experienced this? or should i be worried?
    Toni, see a doc now!! that is nothing to play with I know from personal experience please get checked may save your life! Surfdog
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  15. #15
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    I got a sponsor last night. i'm going to do this over again, being honest with her. as far as my boyfriend goes, i'm not going to tell him about my ongoing use of subs. not saying i'm never going to tell him. just want to get sober, and off of this stuff. and not lose his trust in me. if he gets suspicious, and asks me. i wont lie. but at this point, i'm not ready to tell him. nor worry about him. i just want to worry about getting over thus hump. then, when the timing is right, i'll everntually tell him. aslong as i'mbeing honest with SOMEONE. that's what i need for ME right now. sounds selfish?
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  16. #16
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    funny how much i freak out about getting off of these..skipping days was sooo hard at first. and now that i can know i can skip..they're fine. seriously-NO complaints about today.
    and yet so much anxiety about days to come....
    am i crazy?
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  17. #17
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    deal with the today and control what you can control... You will be fine. Keep on going.. Reid
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  18. #18
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    no rls, no chills, apetite fine, exercising. hmmm..72 hr mark in the morning..thought i'd be feeling SOMETHING. could this be too good to be true?!

  19. #19
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Not sure but don't complain. Stay in today that is important Surfdog

  20. #20
    Comeback Kid is offline Senior Member
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    You mention heart "pain" or chest pain. Do you think its just the anxiety? Panic attacks and anxiety spells will bring on chest pains. Does it come with shortness of breath and sweaty palms? Not trying to downplay your symptoms. You should see a dr. about them.
    Hi my name is Adam, i'm an addict
    "Do you have another day 1 in you?"
    “If I can't win what sense does it make to fight?” -Father Martin on Step 1
    Clean as of 05.30.2014 (4:00pm)

  21. #21
    thalia45 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by toni.s. View Post
    no rls, no chills, apetite fine, exercising. hmmm..72 hr mark in the morning..thought i'd be feeling SOMETHING. could this be too good to be true?!
    Is it the subs you jumped from? The withdrawal must be different. Mine is Norco and I felt pretty awful after 12 hours.

  22. #22
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    most definitely think it was anxiety now. no worries, i didn't take that as downplaying my symptoms. the anticipation of getting off of these was bothering me. i just detoxed from xanax too, so that's probably a factor also.

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    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Toni how long ohave you been off the xanx and how much were you taking? That is one you have to be real careful with Surfdog

  24. #24
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    yes, i jumped from subs. i don't know if the fact that i've been exercising has helped? or the fact that after detox, i never went on a high dose. but honestly, i feel fine. lol not 100%. but i've been on a sleep regime since i got out too. and i think the anticipated lack of sleep bothered me the worst. but so far so good. i wake up throughout the night, but not long enough for me to remember for how long. and no rls. i go walk if i psyche myself out and think they're kicking in.
    thalia...i used to do 10/15 roxies and 1-2 bars of xanax a day. i know your detox too. and initially-i'm not going to lie-it is going to be a little worse than mine. but it will be soo much shorter too.
    just heed the advice of everyone on here and "treat the symptoms". take it from someone who spent too much time worrying about it, instead of doing it.
    honestly, i think i feel the same, if not better than i did before. because i actually feel relief from the anxiety of jumping too.

  25. #25
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    i went to detox 6 wks ago. i was on them for a relatively short time. 3-4 mos. they're not my DOC. they started getting mixed in with my pain pills, and one day, BOOM..detoxing from them too. doctor said i should be in the clear after 4-6 wks.

  26. #26
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Toni if you have been clean for 4-6 wks as doc said and start feeling weird like they are coming back check with your doc. Benzo wd can show up 72 days after last dose and can be as dangerous as alcohol wd don't think you will have that problem. Just info that may come in handy be careful you are doing great God Bless Surfdog

  27. #27
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    toni im in new zealand. but ive spent some time living in australia, and some time in scotland too. between all my other roaming round this planet. i love travelling, would do it far more often if i had the money.
    never got to wales, or ireland, yet. got cousins in scotland, england and ireland...

    seen your question on the other thread...

  28. #28
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    very cool.

  29. #29
    toni.s. is offline Senior Member
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    anxiety is the only symptom that bothers me..but i go and walk and it usually goes way.
    little more chills.. a lot more sneezing.
    but overall, doing pretty well. oh yeah..only taking a multi-vitamin, and melatonin if needed. due to my anxiety, i've abstained from l-tyrosine. i would suggest this for ppl with anxiety, or who already suffer from rls. it does seem to make them a little worse. but my energy level has been fine too-so i think i was just medicating to medicate.
    mood seems to be best in the a.m..i was kind of a B last night though? lol
    i wake up after only a few hours, and think i'm wide awake for the rest of the night. but i lay there, and usually drift bk. soooo grateful for that!
    I GOT A JOB. orientation on tuesday. was a little worried about this..but today is DAY 4 now..and i don't think it's going to get worse??
    yesterday couldn't STOP thinking about using. SELF-DESTRUCTIVE OR WHAT? i'm not even through this process, and my mind is already tricking me into thinking it would be ok.
    but i resisted..JUST HAD to stay busy.
    anywho..96 hrs and trucking along.
    thinking about it..even though i felt guilty about staying on subs a little longer..now i feel it was the best thing i could've done. i'm almost positive i would have used had i not. my mind was allowed to clear..and i think this had to be MY journey. we all take our own paths.
    hopefully i'm on the right one for good. i don't know.
    but i do know, i'm NOT going to use TODAY.
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  30. #30
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Toni what does an addict do, use, when not using think about using. This will get further and further apart. You're great girl/guy( stuck my foot in mouth with cheeky on that one ) lol no more assumptions lol The cravings will cease just on some things it takes some time. God Bless Surfdog

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