[universe1234]

Don't give in just yet Tara

[mottam]

hplp:
This is a very rough ride right now. Do not give in.
The urge to use is just you addiction trying to suck you back into that life of misery.

Keep posting. Post every 5 minutes if you have to.

You are going to shake; you are going to get the chills and sweats at the same time. You are going to have diarrhea. Your nose will get stuffed and run. You will cough and yawn. That is your mind making its last effort to get you to use again. SO NO!

In a few more days, you will be a new person. That seems like eternity right now. So, like melinda stated, let's work this 10 minutes at a clip.

Think in your mind what you really want out of being clean. Write it down, post it. Every time those demons try to talk to you, keep reading what it is you want. KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE PRIZE. The prize is freedom for you. Go for it - take it -it is yours. The next few days will suck, and then the physical ******** is over.

Simple, POST, POST, POST, STAY CLEAN, SAY NO, POST.

We are all here for you and pulling for you.

I will check back in with you after I take my son to his grandmothers.

Stay strong - this community cares!

[hatepercslovepercs]

i have replapsed.. my house is a mess and my sister was yelling at me knowing i was sick .. im so ashamd ... im a loser and it seems im will always be one

[hatepercslovepercs]

im so upset... i cant even tell u how upset i am...

i need to runaway from here.. im so stuck in this hell i live in ...
my friend in florida offerd for me to detox there.. in a clean and safe place... we will go to disney.. it sounds like i must do it there

[universe1234]

It's not over just because you gave in this time. Take this break to gather yourself together and then take another crack at it. You CAN do this, people do all the time. Just remember when you get that intense craving, gasping sensation, that's the addiction dying, you're killing it and it will die after a few days.


This might help to know- the first time I went through withdrawals, I didn't even know that's what it was. I was in the hospital for 3 days and didn't take my pain meds while I was there. I felt all of the withdrawals symptoms, but thought it was part of my other situation (a-fib), so I just dealt with it. It seems so much worse knowing what it is and that you can stop it temporarily by taking a pill, but this goes to show how much of it is in your head, I went through withdrawals and thought it was just me adjusting to my heart meds! It didn't seem as bad because I didn't know I could stop it.

[hatepercslovepercs]

You are correct! .. im just bummed out that i did this..
I think i may run to florida away from here and my home.. my family drives me crazy and really not supportive.. i really needed them and just shunned me away.. i know its an excuse but i need someone i guess.. im an ahole for doing it and i should be locked up

[wanderingsoul]

Originally Posted by hatepercslovepercs

You are correct! .. im just bummed out that i did this..
I think i may run to florida away from here and my home.. my family drives me crazy and really not supportive.. i really needed them and just shunned me away.. i know its an excuse but i need someone i guess.. im an ahole for doing it and i should be locked up

No, Tara, you're not a loser, or an a-hole, or any of the many colorful words youre coming up with to deal with the guilt.. of what? Of a tiny setback? The mere fact that you WANT to quit makes you a courageous human being. It's not weak to go through what you're going through. it's NOT weakness to let a setback take place. It happens with all of us. God knows how many times I and my friends have been though hell, vowed to the heavens that we would never be stupid enough to go there again, and voila, in a week, a year, ten years, 5 minutes, whatever, it happens. The most important thing isn't bemoaning what you've done, but what you are stopping yourself from doing by beating yourself up.

You know what my pathetic self would have done, has done? A small, tiny line made me feel so guilty and mad at myself that I decided, to hell with it, and took A LOT more. It was only later when I realized that that my mind's way of convincing me to come back, to be seduced.
You're stronger than this.
The setback happens.
But it is in your power not to make it so major to yourself that it becomes a total relapse.
Vent, rant, cry, anything but take. And if you take, don't sit back and let it take YOU. Vent, rant, and cry against it. You're stronger than this pill.

If you need to get away to do this, maybe it's a good idea, especially if you don't feel you have support at home. Just make sure wherever you go, those friends aren't enablers and can be firm with you when needed.
You can do this. And NO, you don't deserve to be locked up! You have done nothing wrong! You're harming yourself, and yes, your family suffers, but you deserve love and understanding, not four walls and isolation!

[mottam]

hplp:
Let me tell you something i just spoke to my father-in-law about:

He just got back from OC - MD. ~ 8 days on a restful vacation.

One of the people that went down there was a man named "John"; for generic purposes. This is a real life, true and tragic event.

He got hooked on painkillers years ago. He has been through detox after detox, after detox. His wife, family, and job have stuck it out with him through ALL of the tough times. He chose, in the end, drugs over everything.

He is now separated. He has a beautiful (inside and out) wife of 20+ years. He has three beautiful children; a great home and a well paying union electrician's job.

Because of these choices he made he now:

Is separated from his wife.
Has very limited visitation w/ his children.
Has gotten into significant legal trouble; facing some time in county.
His home is now in foreclosure - hurting the wife and, most of all his children.

Now, the final straw - he is being terminated from his job. Anyone who knows what it is like to work for a union can tell you how difficult that can be to lose.

My point is this:
We (ALL us addicts) eventually need to make the ultimate choice of where we want to be. I keep hearing about choices -
1) Institutions
2) Jail
3) Death or
4) Freedom -

Ultimately, what is your choice? (I mean this in a rhetorical sense).

lphp: So what if you relapsed - pull yourself up, and let's try this again. I/we are not here to judge you. We are ALL in this together. I relapsed several times before getting where I am right now.

What I am trying to say is that you are NOT a loser. You are an addict. We face some of the most difficult challenges a human being can face. Put down the pills - FLUSH the ********ing things! You are NOT past the point of no return.

You will probably NEVER meet me in real life. Know that as a suffering addict I care. People on this site care!

Post, and let's start again. You are ready. I can tell by the "tone" of your emails that you are a kind and caring person. Someone who did not give a ******** would not express the feelings and concerns that you express.

Today is day 1 - we will move on from here. I will bet NO ONE on this forum got it "right" the first time.


If you need to get out of where you are at because you truly believe it gives you a better shot at recovery - that is something that you need to decide.
You can only run for so long...

lphp:
You are in my prayers right now. I will answer any posts you present. You really need to want it for you. NEVER call yourself a loser. The fact that you still post and talk to get "better” shows how strong of a winner you really are.

Kindest Regards

[hatepercslovepercs]

you guys are right! im broke now.. and i want to smack myself in the face... I know you will never meet me .. i wouldnt blame you really.. i seem to come with a list of issues...
This had all started after my mom passed away... you see my mother dies on sept 10 2001 yes the night b4 the towers hit... I was running an entertainment agency at that time for exotic dancer for bachelor parties etc.. on sept 11 i was supposed to go to Windows Of The World in AM to meet up with manager of Rest. to collect a deposit for an upcoming event.. of course i did not show because of my mothers passing the night before.
I have never seemed to pull through that feeling of in some way my mother died for me. i dont know .. and i could never tell my family this beccause maybe they would feel like my mom died for me.. or whatever.. I never did anything (drugs) before then i smoked pot once in a blue but nothing..
I had to leave NY because of all the memories and just feeling as if i was going to hurt myself..
i mean my mother had every medication under the sun and i never even touched it..

anyway.. i moved to texas and then this is how it started... i know i need to see someone but im so straped for cash all the time..

i wish .. i wish my life was better.. cleaner.. I WISH MY MOM WAS ALIVE ..

[wanderingsoul]

Originally Posted by hatepercslovepercs

This had all started after my mom passed away...
I have never seemed to pull through that feeling of in some way my mother died for me. i dont know .. and i could never tell my family this beccause maybe they would feel like my mom died for me..
i mean my mother had every medication under the sun and i never even touched it..


i wish .. i wish my life was better.. cleaner.. I WISH MY MOM WAS ALIVE ..

You have no idea how similar that is to my story, Tara. It's uncanny.
I also firmly believe that my mother's death saved my life. She could be your salvation now too.
I keep pictures of her near my bed, and when I slip, I look up at her, and somehow find the courage to get right back up.
Use her as your inventive is you must. Whatever it takes. Don't let her death be a tragedy. It's a blessing somehow. A mother sacrifices her life for her children. Knowing that you've made it will be everything she's ever wanted for you in life.
And if it weighs so heavily on your heart, talk to your family, I'm sure everyone will agree it wasn't anything other than life, that's how things go, people move on, and it's no-one's fault.

[hatepercslovepercs]

My friend in florida was once a "gay escort" and also heavy in to all drugs.. he is 7 years clean and now a hair stylist to the stars! I wish he still lived here but he moved to Orland and has a condo across from Universal Studios -- His home is so clean and he has a pool also a gym.. plus he has like tons of free passes to all amusemnt parks (btw if anything in the world makes me happy its rollercoasters and disney).. he spoke to me all day .. he has said to come down as soon as i can.. I truly dont believe i can do it here.. I was in the middle of taking my 3rd bath today and my super came yelling saying there is a leak and other problems.. also my AC is acting up and all im doing is sweating to top it off my family just ignores pleas ..

im upset at myself.. im upset at where i am.. im just upset that this was takin to the point of where it is now..

[mottam]

hplp:
Sorry to hear of your loss. I remember when my dad died - it was a crushing blow.

I have no magical words to make you feel better. Maybe by getting back to a good state of mind, both of us can ease our pain and cope w/ life on its terms. I don't know lphp... I just know that using isn't an option for us...

Push the restart button - OK?
Why not give getting clean another chance? EVERYTHING to gain...

From your "brother" to you - we need to deal with all of our "stuff" on life's terms. To do that, we need to get off the ********. Give yourself some credit; give yourself a break.

Do you want you "life" back? You said you want to be happy and "silly:" again. It is out there - right in front of you. So are the people on this site.

Go back to 10 minutes at a time. Once the drugs are removed from our brains, we can deal with all the "stuff". Hell, I am new to all of this too. I am only on week #4. Try, try hard.

We can post night, day, week night, weekend. No matter what and who may be causing background noise, you/I have this site to get some sanity.

The fact that you are still posting says you want to be the winner that you are.
Reward yourself. Everything around you will fall into place.

Take it slow - love yourself.

Kindest Regards

[hatepercslovepercs]

Mottam and everyone else who takes the time to write to me .. Truly your words and your caring mean absoluty the world to me.
Trust me I hate myself right now.. the guilt has just eaten me up.. i mean I dont even have any more money to get work because im such an idiot..
I praise everyone who has made it through and wish i could be like you.. its not like im enjoying anything that the pills have done for me except take away the physical pain.. but the mental pain still is there..
Im a mess.. i cant find my ID card.. i dont even know .. all i can say is im so sorry to you and to myself.. I have to keep trying.. I will keep trying..
Oh god please help.. mommy please help me MOMMY PLEASE.. I NEED YOU SO BAD

[mottam]

hplp:
Cry - let it out -start again.

You just stated "I will keep trying" - that is all we can ask of you - all you can ask of yourself. We will support you 100%.

Hate & guilt - let it go. Deal w/ it after detox/w/d.

Pray to your mom - pray to God. I will also pray with you.

I have no answers - just some thought(s): I will bet mom is so proud of you and supporting you in your attempt to get clean.

Just do it - DO NOT USE.

Cry, post, laugh, post, cry, post, DO NOT USE.

[hatepercslovepercs]

I just found my ID.. thank goodness for that.. Someone suggested I should try methadone.. anybody with thoughts on that?

[mottam]

hplp:
Some on here may be OK w/ that.
I my humble opinion - ABSOLUTLY NO!
On your initial post - you were taking ~ 110 mg. of oxy a day, and down to 65 -50 mg.

If you REALLY believe you cannot do it cold turkey, try the next step.
Have you tried the "Thomas Recipe"? If so, do you have an "understanding dr.?
I used clonidine to get off of the oxys. Maybe that might work.
If all else fails, maybe try suboxone? Robert could probably help you with that.

Please exhaust all other avenues before trading one drug for another.

There are many success stories on here.
Some c/t, some w/ clonidine, and some w/ suboxone. Everything I have read about methadone tells me to stay away from it. It seems like it is pouring gas on a fire.

Please, get more advice from members on this site before entertaining that idea. Subs may be the answer for you. Please give the more conservative approaches a try first. If that is not for you, then I am sure others on this site can guide you through other treatments.

I just personally did not like one opiate for another. BUT THAT IS JUST ME. So many people have success stories w/ subs.

Everything I have read about methadone is bad.

[hatepercslovepercs]

This is what I need to do.. im gonna try and do Subs again.. although i awful headaches on it .. its worth a shot.. I cant afford it cause its so very expensive.. so tmrw im going to a medicaid office to see if i can get help. im looking for my SS card .. if all else fails I will do the thomas recipe .. My doctor is so nasty to me.. (no bedside manner at all but he is the cheapest out there .. he sees me for $25!) I will try clonodine, klonopin, ambian and all vitamins .. i plan that i will have to do it at my friends in florida..
If I were to tell you that my house is a disaray i hope you believe me.. My sisters are terribly lazy and never clean.. im tired of being there maid and all i do is clean up after them.. im stressed beyond belief .. i barely have food to eat because 1. my addiction 2. buying something that someone in this house ruined 3. tickets from f**** nyc 4 got laid off and now working again 4 i smoke . cigs are 10 a pack!

i trust your judgment on methadone.. I had called a clinic and they said they would start me immediatly if i were to get pending doc for methadone but if you say NO then that is what it is NO..

I just want to be able to work and save money so i can do the right thing.. I need a better life.. to get a home a CLEAN home.. I know i can its just a matter of me being focused I just cant get focused here when everyone is so DISGUSTING and lazy ..
mottom trust me when i say im not looking for excuses please trust me.

[caughtagain]

Morning Tara, I am sorry to hear about the rough weekend. You were in my thoughts. How are you doing today? Are you/did you go for the Subs? If so, Robert is the man and can help you. If you still want to go C/T, as MOT said, let's reset and start today. I am amazed and proud of you. THe strength it has taken to go through the pain you are experiencing is huge. Embrace that strength for 5 days, 5 days tara. If I can do it, boy oh boy I know you can. Just take it second by second today and at the end put that big X we were talking about. Let the X's build up. Post and post often. Instead of looking at how bad things are (we all did that too), look at how strong you are for making it 1 miunute. Don't beat yourself up for relapsing, build yourself up for giving it another shot. We are all in your corner and are all praying for you. You are a kind soul, I sure do believe that. So what do you say? Go all in, ets do this.....CA

[hatepercslovepercs]

Good morning CA and Mottom.. I have been up since 6 at Medicaid office and of course after all that BS they tell me to come back tmrw.. I have not takin anything today and im completly shakin up.. i cant see straight .. Im trying.. its difficult .. Im trying to at least get into a clinic to help get me some meds for thomas recipe as i cant afford anything else .. all i need is a pending letter from medicaid ... ny really makes it so hard

[caughtagain]

That stinks... But the good news is you have not used since when? I am here all week and know how bad you want this. You have been posting which is a great thing. I know how disjointed you feel right now, justtake it second by second. What is your game plan? Are you going to do the Subs or CT? Either way, getting clean is the key. I am here for you, WE are here for you.. CA

[hatepercslovepercs]

Hey CA

Well pretty much my game plan is what you said.. just getting clean.. I was once on Subs but had very bad headaches with it but im trying my hardest not to give in..
what im trying to do is go to a clinic and ask for advice if its subs or Benzo's .. I really dont think i can do this without having something... to be honest i felt like really hurting myself because of detox.. i dont want to be institutionlized (dont know if i spelled that correctly) cause i know its the meds talking and NOT me.. i need something to calm my anxity .. im scared.. and when i say IM SCARED i really mean it...

i was just yelling at the wall this morning for no reason what so ever...
im not saying my addiction is worse then the next.. not at all.. im scared of everything around me.. who i am .. who i may become.. or the lack of support from the people around me

all i can do is say sorry a million times

[caughtagain]

I understand and your honesty is great, so stick with us and we will get you through. The pills do crazy things to us when we come off of them, but I assure you that if you hang in there a few days, things will stabilize. The Wd's will go away and you will be on your way to a new life. Be proud of where you are ( as crazy as that sounds), but really. You are posting, that is huge! As far as the Benzo's V the Subs. I cannot tell you which way to go, But what I can tell you is Wd's will not kill you. True you will feel crummy, but remember this too shall pass. Have you tried taking Valerian Root for your nerves. THey sell it in a pill or a tea. I went through a pretty heavy Hydro detox down from a Oxy. I used nothing in the form of Benzo's. I told no one, and I worked through it all. It was hell, but that hell gave me even more strength as I went through. Let me know what I can do to help and I will. Don't hurt yourself. If you feel that you are going too, get to the ER. But I sure am proud of you for posting and I have faith that you can make it. Just take it one second at a time..CA

[hatepercslovepercs]

maybe i should stop watching St Elmo's Fire

[caughtagain]

that took me a second. Great movie, but yeah, that part you should ff through. LOL. See you haven't lost your sense of humor. You can do this, don't think you are alone because you have a bunch of us looking out for you.

[hatepercslovepercs]

That is one thing I always do or say silly things... ******** i should just stop watching all this stuff.. I went on to watch Some Kind Of Wonderful... no much better.. maybe Heaven Help Us?

[caughtagain]

I'm 43 so I have seen most of those movies. THe point is do whatever you need to do to pass time, and as you do, things will get clearer after a few days. Hang tough..CA

[caughtagain]

Morning Tara, how are you doing today? Just checking in.. CA

[hatepercslovepercs]

Hey CA (im on my phone in hospital bed)

Last night was really bad.. I went into ER I started to have heart issues and couldnt breathe
im stable right now and they know my situation.. I dont know if they are going to put me in a detox area or they are keeping me here...
I will try and keep you posted

Thank you for checking in on me..

Tara

[caughtagain]

Hey Tara, You are in my thoughts. Remember, things happen for a reason. Now you are in a place you can get the help you need. Please keep us posted on how you are doing..CA

[Ugh!!]

I've been reading a lot of posts lately because just like the rest of you, I'm detoxing... I used to take (up until friday 8-21-09) at least 20+ perc 10/325 and morphine IR 30mg and morphine SR 100mg and I pretty much quit cold turkey, only tapered for one day because I was too into it to take my regular dose. Anyways, I'm on day 5-my back is f*ing killing me because of the tumor that started me on them in the first place but otherwise I'm doing good. These forums have helped A LOT plus I have GREAT family support and my ma is totally taking care of my 3 yr old for me Thanks ma!!!!!
My older brother was also addicted for years like me so he finally got on Suboxone and took it for a few months. He had pretty bad w/ds just as if he had come off pills. Suboxone has about a 36 hour half life which means for about the first 2 days you'll feel pretty good but eventually, on the 3rd day you will start feeling like total shiznit. At least coming off pain pills the w/ds start within a few hours.
Suboxone is good for the mental part but I didn't want to get on it so we waited and quit everything around the same time. He stopped taking his Suboxone about 4 days before I stopped taking my percs/morph/whatever else I could get ahold of.
People say to not sub with other drugs but I said screw it and have been smoking bud which I think has helped a lot. I hadn't smoked it in many many years but I just wanted to do ANYTHING to get past the horrible pill w/d!!!

Good luck to all and thank you guys for posting so often. It really did help and you guys are all awesome!!!!!