[matt4848]

I'm again trying to quit the subs, (as I have made two 8mg's last since the last time I was here on the board)

Basically last week (Sunday-Tues), tried to quit again, went three days before finally giving in - (tuesday night), and awoke the next day again feeling W/D's. I have not had any opiates or subs since tuesday night, and today (saturday) I'm still having a really hard time.

I'm to the point where I can't go back anymore - I was on such little per/day/dose (.35mg or so) and it completely would take care of my withdrawls, but would leave me with the suboxone 'high' - when I take subs, I cant really smell or taste anything, and I smoke alot more cigarettes.
I have a bad depression while on the subs, just because I know I will have to face the W/D's again or continue to be stuck in the same depression from being dependent on a drug.

I try to excerise, walk for about a mile a day, eat as much as I can - but its still extremely hard just to open the fridge.

My real question is, should I take another dose? Or just continue to detox.

Even If I was (since I dont have any) - to take a small dose, I would continue to go 2-3 days again without.

Is it better to take a dose or to just continue untill I finally start feeling better?

This is always the hardest part, trying to get to day 5 or so without - you keep telling yourself you will feel better tomorrow, but it just seems like it will never let go.

Anyway, trying once again.

Matt

[matt4848]

Nearly end of day 3, hoping this bottle of wine plus the half bottle of whiskey will put me to sleep.


Why o why did god ever create opiates....

Must.. be stronger.. than drugs....

Matt4848 (hey it may be my 9th try to quit but atleast I am trying a 9th time instead of just giving up.... I know life can be sooooo gooooood... just must get past withdrawls.................. )

[melinda7.5]

Hi Matt
You got it right, you just keep trying till you get it done...Robert is out of town right now but I think he will be on line on sunday...
He can help you then...
Talk to you later, Melinda

[matt4848]

Day four..

still feel as bad as yesterday and the day before..

I just wish this aneixty would let up. The shakes are killing me.

I am sleeping a little bit each night though - around 3-5 hours.

Just wondering when this will end...

[intelmetal]

You are an amazing dude ! Keep at it. Please tell me a little about your story or direct me to your thread, I would love to here from you. I am tapering also, and am down to .75mgs and still fighting. It is worst in the mornings, feels like I was rolled over by a truck ! I can't imagine what it must be like to start skipping days. It just scares the heck out of me.
IWANTOUT

to live my life and to be free !

P.S. I miss Robert already.

[matt4848]

Almost end of four days...


This time there is no more getting anymore. So I am forced to cold turkey.

[melinda7.5]

Hi Intermetal
I'm sorry Robert has been so busy he is working so hard right now.and my computer has been out most of the time comcast is suppose to run a new line to my house.
So hang on Robert will be back I promise.
He flies back here Thursday night. are you OK do you need me to tell him anything ???
The last time Robert was out of town we did this over the phone I would write down all the ? for him and then I would post the answers...LOL

There is a lot of pressure when you get into sub tapers. OMG

So let me know if I can help

Talk to you later, Melinda

[intelmetal]

I'll be O.K., thanks so much for caring. I had a tough weekend, but feel a little better today. I took 2 immodium AD's for the first time and I think it helped. I was feeling bad in the mornings daily. Kind of a bad feeling in the gut, so I think it helped as I feel better this morning. Tell Robert to take his time, he deserves it! God Bless you both !
IWANTOUT

to live my life and to be free !

[matt4848]

Day 5,

To : My withdrawls.

You are not going to win this time. Not. This. Time.

everyone else..

I'm still hanging in there telling myself the following every five minutes. -

Today is sooooooo much better, however they still seem unbearable most of the time.

I just keep doing whatever I can to pass the mintues. Watch tv for a few mintues then walk around, then watch, the shower, the take a walk around block, then tv...

arggghhhh....

Atleast I am sleeping... Have been getting more each night I got about 7 hours (non-drug/alchol/weed) enduced true sleep, unlike the first and second nights.

Hanging in there,

will post later.
matt

[melinda7.5]

Hi Matt
Hey your doing a great job at this it's a lot of hard work to get clean, but OH it is so worth it in the end ...
Just keep telling your brain to kiss off when it tells you that you want something...
Your doing a great job at staying one step ahead...
I had a hard time with the angel, devil thing at first but after a few days I think my brain go tired of asking...so we win...
Hang in there...
Life is good without drugs...
Melinda

[matt4848]

Whoa, I have no idea what happened but in the last about 3 hours, my symtomps just DRAMATICALLY dropped.

The only thing I did differnt is drink a single cup of coffee, with breakfast today- Eggs, cheese ham and coffee.

I don't know why but I feel SOOO good, (atleast while still in w/d's) -

I feel like with every passing hour I am getting much MUCH better.

Could it be that the four-day half life has finally started to break?

My last doses were Saturday, (*w/d sunday/monday/tuesday) dose tuesday night * then nothing since -

All I know is my coping mechanisims are coming back in HUGE force. I still panic, but now I can breathe and feel like I can calm down and sit for the first time in five days.

There is no turning back now- I feel like the tables have turned, instead of it controlling me, (me kicking and screaming) to now I am in control, and its the one doing every last little thing it can to kick and scream.

There is no way I will turn back now, I feel like I FINALLY am getting real true willpower and determination.

[daysclean]

Your doing great. I'm on day 20 with no subs and no nothing. I can tell you it will get better but in saying that I still don't feel great. I wake up every 4 hours but hey that's not bad. Energy level is way off and I get tired real easy but its getting BETTER. I was on suboxone for 2 1/2 years! That's right. I tapered slowly the last year. I'll get into how I did get off later but I just wanted you to know you can DO IT-!!! The first 7 days was very hard for me and I know the lows and I understand no sleeping and racing legs. I could have plugged in my computer into my legs and it would have charged the battery no less. My legs have settled down finally!!! This what you can do to help. Drink gator aid and water. Eat a fruit yes fruit like Banana's are great for those going banana's and of course plenty of Omega 3 and a quality multi and try 5 htp sertonin lifter. We need that! Read about it on line. Green Tea and hot showers can help change your mood. Hey do what you can and everyone is different so work your plan. Keep your head up your doing it my friend. ALSO BE NICE TO YOURSELF!!! One more thing tell people around you that your doing what your doing for a better life but for them to back off and let you ride this puppy out. It they're not there to help you have the right to say seeya later when I feel better. End of story!!!
Peace
daysclean

[matt4848]

Still hanging in there. Six friggin days -

Withdrawls have let up definatly, but the 'no pleasure at all' feeling that seemed to dissapate yesterday is back after sleep once again.

The only symptom that is really still bothering me is that. The 'I cant watch anything on tv, even if its my favorite show of all time' feeling.

However my calmness, has returned. It finally came back yesterday, and now
I can sit still for the first time in a week.

Still fighting what seems to be the extreme depression, but I am soooo determined now there is just no turning back -



-Matt

[melinda7.5]

Hi Matt
The one thing that will help depression is doing some exercise...I know
But it really does help I started out walking about two minutes a day and now I run a mile a day...It gets your endorphins working again and gives you that sense of well being...
Talk to you later, Melinda

[matt4848]

Melinda,

Thanks for the help, just someone who listens helps so much.

I know I must be better off than some, as my withdrawls, are starting to let go over the last 24 hours- and its only been six days.

I have no choice anymore. If I were to choose a dose of suboxone, now, I would be on the street with no where to live. Simple as that.

Once you have made the absolute choice to quit, it does seem to help.

I feel ok for moments and bad for moments, but atleast unlike the first four days, there are DECENT moments of the day.

And you are SO right about Excersise - I honestly hate to work out period, but these last three days, I have been walking atleast mile or so around the nieghborhood with my headphones blaring-

I figure If I am going to hurt sitting down, I might as well hurt excersising.

And If I am going to hurt, I want it to be because I WORKED myself to hurt.

Excersise, Fluids, Food. Sleep as much as possible, even though waking up is pure hell, nothing like waking from a nice dream, back into bad withdrawls.

As I type this I am actually pretty calm. My palms still constantly sweat, and my back really truly hurt today. The chills and hot flashes seem to be lowering.

I just wish I knew how long this is going to last. If its twenty days fine- its the feeling that its never going to end that really gets me.

However I could smile for the first time, truly in a very long time yesterday.

And if nothing else is worth it - that is.

Frankly I dont care how much my body screams. Its not going to happen ever again. I am so fed up with this lifestyle that if it takes three months of sweating and dying to beat this then - well then so frakking be it.

I want my life back, and nothing is going to change that.

That and there is nothing like taking this weight off my mothers shoulders as well. She has constantly worried about my opiate use/abuse/suboxone for the last three years. I just cant do that to her anymore.

I want her to have her son back.

Matt

[melinda7.5]

Hi Matt

I will ask Robert in the morning how long he thinks the w/d will last...
I know when I stopped my drugs my hands sweat for a couple months.I started washing them in cold water and they stopped, but they probably would have stopped anyway.But I hated that...

You have such a great attitude your definitely going to make it...
I remember that is how I felt...

I know your Mom is really proud of you...

Talk to you soon, Melinda

[matt4848]

Thanks Melinda,

Rob has helped me before I always seemed to break on the 3rd or 4th day.

Its hard convicing people that I wasnt abusing the suboxone, I honestly was down to at most .50mg a day (hard to break a 8mg down further, I couldnt ever find the 2mg's). Its hard to prove that the main cause for relapse for me is I just couldnt ever seem to go longer than at most 4 days, and I never got to a clear headed spot like tonight, which gives me so much strength.

I use to get extremely depressed every morning when waking up, needing that 'fix'.

Right now its the end of day six, Yesterday I was offered one, but I said no.
I gave my cell to my dad when that happend. I don't need one right now anyway.

I'm not sure why, but right now, at the end of the day - I'm starting to feel ok again.

I wake up with bad w/d's but working all day, forcing myself to walk, eat and drink and do those things I dont want to do such as wash my car today -

but you are totally right, those little things start to make you feel human again.

I know I probably won't wake up in the best of shape tomorrow, and it may be hard to push through the day, however - this is the second day in a row, where at night I am really starting to calm down, be able to sit still, and for one whole glorious hour, while watching USA Network's Burn Notice - I completely forgot about my w/ds. It was awesome.

Each day I am getting that much stronger.

If anything just feels good to type again.
Matt

[matt4848]

Sweet everloving freedom.

Withdrawls are almost at a minimum now. I still sort of have that 'dont really want to do anything' feeling now and then, but I am actually feeling good this morning, I got about 8 hours sleep (two four hour increments)- and I am starting to really feel alive again.

Gonna have the good and bad days, I know, but atleast today is finally starting to feel like a 'good' day

matt

[intelmetal]

Congrats !!!! You did it. I actually envy you. Shame on me. I'll be there one day soon I hope.
IWANTOUT

to live my life and to be free !

[matt4848]

Went all day today with no symptoms. I havent been able to say that since September of 2007. (when I cold turkey oxy, with no AA or support of anykind - so kinda high releapse rate for me back then)

But two years later, ten months of suboxone (september 7, 2008 -started subs) finally am free.

Now just have to make sure to never, ever, ever, ever touch them again.

But thats what NA is for !

Future is bright-

Matt

[matt4848]

God there is nothing better than a morning free of opiates and withdrawls.

Freedom never tasted so sweet.

Matt

[intelmetal]

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't wait ! AWESOME DUDE !
IWANTOUT

to live my life and to be free !

[RubyDean]

Matt, I just wanted to say GREAT JOB! You really conquered one of the most difficult things I have ever known. Thank you for sharing your story and success. It has really given me hope and the encouragement I need to help me do this too. I am still at 1mg a day, but I am dropping to .75 very soon, and as much as I fear it, I know I can do this.
Keep it up, really. You doing this is helping others too. I can't wait til the day I can go to my NA meetings free of everything. Being clean is such a gift, don't ever forget that.
peace>

[matt4848]

Just want to let ya'll know how much this last has meant to me here - thanks for all the kind words.

There is life after suboxone.

And it feels soooo good.

I still have a few occasional bad moments but I honestly havent felt like this in over three years.

No matter how hard it gets, no matter what you have to do - get as low as you can, then skip days, then tough it out-- all I can say is ---

IT IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WORTH IT!!!



Matt

[Topher711]

Matt ,

I went from 1 mg to about .25. I get the 2mg pills prescribed to me. Do you or anyone else suggest taking the .25 for a few days and just stop ? Or should I try and go a day with , day without. It is so hard to go through the withdrawals. I have a 3 year old and another one due in August. I want to be done this by the time my next baby comes. My wife is for the most part supportive although she wants to know why I can't just "suck it up"

[matt4848]

Topher,

I would say (when you feel you are ready), cut a day's dose. The reason I would recommend this is the first day really isn't unbearable. I don't know for sure if medically this is really doing anything or not, but it will allow you to feel a 'real' day, where you arn't 'effected' by the drug. I would ask Robert, for the best way to do this. The way I did it, my last three doses had atleast a day inbetween. It was really hard to do, but I think it may have helped with the worst of the withdrawls.

I also spoke a little to soon, yesterday was a hard day, but today is a lot better, my heart rate 11 days later, is still running at about 100. Course I smoke cigarettes which dont help.

I'm still having a hard time just getting around to do anything, but now I am atleast not second guessing going and getting a dose.

I can say this, I can completely live without it now.

Its just hard to get use to how life feels again. Boredom, and axienty still seem to get me at times, and it still hard to 'get to sleep' and wake up.

Its getting much much better. It just still likes to kick me in the gut.

and I get some tension headaches, probably from gritting my teeth.

Matt

[peanut30]

Hey Matt!

Great job getting off the subs. I just read your thread and your story is very inspiring. I'm at 2mgs right now and I am really looking foreward to the day I can wake up without wd's! It's been 3 years on my DOC and I'm at 9 months on subs. I plan on stopping in mid August with a slow taper process. So would you say the first week was pretty bad then got better from there? Check out my thread I just started a new one today "The girl and the orange pill" so I can journal as often as I can like you did. Any advice?

Pea

p.s. how did you tell your parents? no one in my family knows except my sister. Sometimes I want to tell them so they can help me but I also want to stop on my own.