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Struggling and think I've smooched the pooch
I didn't want to say what I really did to the pooch...
Over a month ago, I was booted from my primary as far as narcotics go because I had gotten an rx from my dentist since they didn't think that since I was already taking hydro 10, I would get the pain relief I needed with a triple root canal and they gave me...and I filled...an rx for maybe 15 (?) Percs for breakthrough. I did use them in between my regular hydrocodone doses.
I also know that I was taking more hydro than I needed and that was another reason that the primary was not comfortable...my pain seemed to be getting worse and I needed more. How I got into chronic pain is a looong story, but I never thought it would be me. that started last late fall/almost winter and was sudden and scary and very frustrating.
Fast forward to now. I had my first visit with the pain mgmt that my primary referred me to last month. They lowered my recommended dose, which, of course, I took like clockwork, pain or not. This was after I have attempted to stop taking them and gone through withdrawal several times over the past few months. When I can get them, I will, and so it goes.
I went into the ER maybe a week and a half ago with what I thought was a heart attack, had never had pain like that, was NOT taking hydro that day or the day before, and it was classic female HA symptoms. Although I was in a LOT of pain, I told them that I wasn't in much pain because I knew that my PM clinic would probably freak out if I had gotten something there as if it was the reason I went, but after a while, and they'd asked me several times, I did let them give me Toradol because the pain was still coming and going in my upper back. The doctor kept asking me if I didn't want maybe a little more for the pain. I even had a migraine by the time I left there five hours later, and as much as I know some better drugs than hydro would knock the headache out, I refused to take anything else. They did lots of testing, and it does not appear that it was a heart attack, so that's good.
My husband showed up as I was being discharged and the doctor said that he would leave my prescriptions with my discharge instructions with my husband as I got dressed and my lovely husband said he'd go to the pharmacy and I went straight home since I was feeling stressed, tired, and having been in the ER for over five hours.
Being the dumbass that I apparently am, I never asked him what the rx's were because I still had hydros and it's not like I was looking for them at that point, didn't think I'd get that for this type of pain. The doc had written flexeril and maybe 20 hydrocodone 5's on the same rx, husband picked it up, brought it home and of course once I had them, I took them throughout the next few days off and on when I was having headache or back pain, and I got that chest/face pain again a couple of days later on the opposite side and used them for that, too.
I guess because I didn't go there seeking drugs, and I didn't really think I'd be getting anything beyond toradol when I went home and was just happy I didn't die at the time, I didn't think about what would happen at my PM clinic now, but I have an appt tomorrow and I am really worried that they may be pretty pissed about the E/R visit/rx. I haven't taken any hydrocodone in about 7 days and that's okay, I almost don't want to go to my PM at all because I am a little worried about being completely without pain meds. My eventual goal is to not be taking anything at all, but I cannot take any type of NSAIDs for a medical reason, so although I was open to non-narc options at my last visit, she didn't seem to really have any good ideas.
So. Has anyone had this happen and NOT been booted out of Pain Management? I am pretty sure that even if I tell the truth of the matter, it won't matter to them. I think it says something that when I would have a year ago taken any drugs they would offer in the ER, I refused anything stronger, but I DID get the rx afterward. I almost just don't even want to go to my visit because I am so worried that they will discharge me or worse, report me in some way (don't know how).
Talk me off the ledge, even if it's maybe that I need to hear that I should stop going to PM because I just don't know exactly what to do at this moment.
The way I read your story, you are not changing your actions... Your words say one thing and your actions say another... When you are discharged from a hospital, the nurse or Dr comes in and explains what he is sending you home with and gives you instructions. Sorry, but your actions show that you are looking for meds manifested by symptoms that "come up".. I cannot tell you how many times I did what you are describing.. That is, until I was surrounded by 4 officers and that wasmany years ago.. Times have changed and things are tight out there and getting caught is more real... You have already been booted and now you go to the ER instead and get more pills. one of these times reality is going to get you. I wish you the best, but I would not be shocked if you get booted here too. All my best, Reid
Think about this, you got the Rx at the ER then got it filled then took them knowing what the consequences were going to be. I agree with caught again saying one thing doing another. Even if hubby got it filled had you not taken any all you had to do was take the Rx with you and explain Top PM. Sounds like an addict acting like an addict to me.
One simple question, do you want to get clean and what are you willing to do to make that happen ? Think you did more than kiss that pooch, may have killed the old boy! Surfdog
I'm sorry if it appears folks are being tough on you about this - but try to understand that we call it like we see it - and each of us knows addiction from the inside. All your behaviors are classic addict behaviors, right down to the justifying, rationalizing and blaming others - that's just what we do. (We "can't" take NSAIDS. We didn't fill the script, our husband did. We go to the dentist and get more drugs - then feign surprise when our doctor finds out.) You are on a very slippery slope right now, and unless you stop the drug use completely, you will continue to slide deeper into addiction. This disease does not respond to attempts to "control" it. In fact, it's a progressive disease - it only gets worse. This disease is only arrested by abstinance.
Our body will subconsciously or consciously create more pain to justify our drug use. That's how our disease operates. What we're often doing is taking our emotional pain, which we don't have the tools to deal with, turning it into physical pain, then feel justified to take the narcotics. We have to break the cycle; it won't break itself.
I suggest you get to some NA meetings, sit and listen.
I'd prefer to see someone clean and sober - and cursing me because I told them what they needed to hear ~
rather than see someone still lost in addiction - and liking me because I told them what they wanted to hear.