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struggling to deal w/GF's opiate addiction...
struggling to deal w/GF's opiate addiction...
Well 1st off this is my 1st post so HI!
I've been reading alot of articles on here and it has been helpful.
This seems like a great place, glad to have some people that can relate to me.
On to the story
My GF of 5 years is addicted to opiates.
For the most part she functions well, pays all bills on time, has kept her job for years, and generally is a good member to society.
Before I met her she struggled w/>>>>>> addiction.
When we met she was going to a clinic and receiving methadone treatment.
For the most part she has really kicked it, but not all the way.
She does get pills from the DR. for scoliosis (which seems like a good excuse yet possible reality) but also from friends (dealers) and also uses them appropriately (sniffing)
Vicoden, flexeril, tramadol, percocets, etc...
Recently we have been struggling in our relationship more than normal.
Not to say its usually peachy tho, but when she's in her right mind she's perfect
I suspect she may have gotten oxy's recently
If i didn't put up w/tons of bs,lies, etc it would be over.
The complete lack of sex has damn near drove me to cheating or leaving (which hasn't happened yet but..... ugh). And the worst part is she blames it on me (which some may be my fault, but the drugs play a bigger role)
The lack of honesty, the lies while looking in my eyes, the distant personality she can develop... so hard..
I love her and am still trying to be there for her.
I'm trying positive reinforcement, because negativity has only led to more abuse.
I guess the bottom line is I could use some advice.
How do I convince her to realize she does have a serious addiction?
How do i convince her one addiction isn't better than the other?
How do I do it in a way that doesn't intimidate or shame her?
How can I show her a good future with sober living.
I want to continue to help and not judge her.
Its so hard cause she has mood swings, misses work, messes w/coke on occasion abuses me with cruel hateful word etc..
I do worry about overdose or other permanent issues... Its scary..
Its so hard, and I realize it could be a lifelong struggle.
I just am not ready to call it quits yet (tho a smarter man would run)
I feel like the only to help her is to be there for her, cause if she feels like she has nobody... more use..
I'm really @ wits end because I know the best thing for myself is to get away, but I love her and want the best for her
Last edited by someperson; 07-25-2009 at 06:45 PM.
Originally Posted by Robert_325
I don't feel like I bail her out of everything, she's actually pretty self sufficient. Functioning user I guess..
I do know that she's accountable for her own actions (as we all are), yet if I don't try my hardest to help I will feel guilt forever.
I'm not some hopeless person that needs others, but I do love her and believe she can get better. So I give her the benefit of doubt (not to say there is no doubt)
I feel obligated to help.
Even if (maybe when) I leave, I will love her. That's why I must try to help her
I do need to find out how much I'm willing to take tho.... Its very hard to draw the line
I've seen many addictions in the ones I love..
Learned to hate the addiction not the person, because they aren't in their true state of being.
That's not to say I won't protect myself, my job, finances etc...
I've kept these things pretty well safeguarded.
Last edited by someperson; 07-25-2009 at 07:33 PM.
i was where your girlfriend is. me and my man had 16 years together. we both used drugs, iv, methadone, morphine, speed, coke. all the usual. anyway long story short he got clean before me. we actually moved countries to get away from our connections, we moved from nz to aussie. anyway, i dabbled in the crystal meth over there, he did too, but only occasionally. i turned into a real scumbag, i would steal my blokes card, sneak out, get cash, get on, and get home, while he was snoozing in bed. we loved each other dearly, hard drugs specially opiates take away the libido big time. he suffered more than me coz i didnt care. so our sex life was really c**p. so i know he would relate to exactly wot you are saying.
is your g/f still on methadone, that squashes the sexual urges, ya just can't be bothered.
anyway tho and heres the thing, in 2005 i went to scotland for my huge big trip of a lifetime, to visit all my family there. and 5 weeks after, i got a text. he had found someone else. i couldnt beleive it. dumped by text after 16 years. still havent seen him, i bypassed aussie and came home, eventually.
he was sick of the lies, sick of being broke, no sex., attitude.tired of worrying about me, and he moved on.
i was pretty cut up, for sure, thats another story, but all i know is he had to do it for himself. and to be quite honest i think it was the right decision, i had to be away before he could do it tho, coward, but me moving to scotland was the catalyst. ahhhhh.
the funny thing is, he is now with an australian alcoholic mad bee....itch. hee hee.
but i am doing well, and i had to be the one who wanted to change not him. in fact i resented him at times. pious prick.
although i did have a deal if he could stop smoking i would stop injecting,
ive beaten him to that.
your girlfriend will have to have some reason for herself to want to stop.
it sounds awful but it is true.
im not telling you what you should do, but all i know if one is using and one isn't its gonna be a hard road.
i wish you luck,
kia kaha, be strong
Thank you for your story, for some reason hearing others struggles helps alot.
Originally Posted by purpledog
Your point about her needing to want to stop on her own is so true.
Also the part of hard road ahead is too true (got a hard road behind that I learned that from)...
Any ideas on how to perhaps get her to open her eyes?
In my mind the only thing that might do that is if I leave, but then she could go from functioning addict to gutter sleeper. Also she might hate me and think i'm the "pious prick"..
Which really sux cause I don't wanna judge her, just help her..But if she thinks she's fine then "helping her" is an insult...
I guess I have to figure if anything else can influence her decision...
Last edited by someperson; 07-25-2009 at 08:39 PM.
dear struggling with GF's addiction:
First of all,let me say that I applaud you for living and loving an opiate addict. There is nothing more heart breaking or harder to deal with than this. It can take a lot out of you as the non addict in the picture. I know a lot of people who are either in a relationship with an addict or have a close family member who is an addict are usually rather reluctant to go to ala non or other support type groups,but I am telling you,it can really help you. It can give you a wealth of insight into what the disease of addiction does to the addict and their loved ones.
They can offer you support in the form of advice and just a common shoulder to lean on and confer with. Sometime's just having someone to talk to that knows what you are going through can be of immense help. There are many many groups out there committed to just such topics as living with an addict etc.
Although I understand that you want to stick by your loved one in her time of need,I feel that you need to think of yourself and your sanity. Give her an ultimatum. Either she seeks treatment,or you will be forced to move on for your own health and happiness. I know it is easier said than done,but trust me,it may be just the push she needs.
A few people have already stated the obvious,in that she needs to want it on her own. She needs to be at the point where she is so sick and tired of living like this that she finally becomes humble enough to ask for help. You pushing or begging or pleading will never have an effect if she is not ready.
On the other hand,I can say from experience that when I was at that point in my life where I was using >>>>>> everyday and was struggling with it day to day,I never thought I could get help. I truly believed that I would die a junkie. When you are in that mind set,you can't see the light. You feel like you are in the bottom of the well,and there is no way to climb out. You honestly don't even consider things like treatment or the methadone clinic because at that point your whole life is consumed with a minute to minute existence. You are obsessed with the drug and when and where and how you will get your next fix.
I too was a "high-functioning" addict. I worked,payed my bills,was married with a young girl,and acted on the outside just like every other "normal" american citizen. On the inside I was dead. I was miserable and I hated myself. My life was a sham and I wanted to die every single day. The weirdest thing was that I could NOT see the light at the end of the tunnel. I seriously thought I would never,ever get clean or stay clean no matter what. I wished every time I loaded my needle that this shot would kill me and put me out of my misery.
She can get better. She needs to either seek treatment with suboxone or methadone,or go into a long term treatment facility to help her learn how to live without the use of drugs. It can be done. I am living proof that it does happen. Addicts do recover! I will be clean for 5 yrs this august and I am so glad that I finally sought the help that I needed. I put myself into a 6 month treatment program and it was the hardest thing I ever did. Only 1% of all opiate addicts get clean and stay clean their whole lives,small numbers,I know. It is possible,and I think if she has the willingness,she can get clean and live a happy life.
I hope that you find your answer and that things work out for the two of you,whatever that might be. Good luck and much love and light to you and her. Namaste ☼
hey indigo, and indigo backwards, clever. yep you are right.
GIVE HER AN ULTIMATUM
i had a couple of ultimatums actually, and they scared the s'''''t out of me, i got a chance or two, and blew it really. the drug at the time was more powerful, i kindof wanted help but i was also scared.
talk to her. tell her you would support her to change, coz you love her.
You can give her an ultimatum but honestly, it probably won't work. The pull of opiates is just too strong. Especially if she is "functional" and doesn't think she has a problem. I was an addict and I know nothing from the outside, ie., parents, children, friends, even lovers or spouses, ever had any effect on me. It is only when the lightbulb comes on or when a person hits their own rock bottom that they change. You should let her know you love her and will be there for her when she's ready to stop the ********. You need to protect yourself.
You are absolutely right Bev,she won't be likely to stop from an ultimatum,but it will at least give him the chance to lay it all out on the table and tell her exactly what he plans. It will hopefully let her know just how serious he is about leading a healthy and productive life.
I do realize that when you are at that point,and you are so consumed with the opiate,that NOTHING is going to stop you short of death. BUT I think this young man needs to try and do whatever he can to get through to her before deciding to move on and live his life with or with out her. The wreckage that >>>>>> and other opiates causes is immeasurable. It nearly destroyed my life,and It has taken the life of many friends and family member's of mine as well.
I hope that this guy at least feels as if he tried every thing he could before moving on. There is nothing harder than walking away from a loved one addicted to opiates. I did it. I left my husband of 7 yrs because he refused to seek help. I had to get clean,and he didn't have the same desire that I did unfortunately. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life,but I knew it was a necessary one. I felt I did all I could to get through to him. In the end,he wasn't going to listen to anything I had to say. I gave him an ultimatum,laid it all on the table,and he refused. To this day he is still using,living in a motel room,and hasn't seen our daughter in over 3 yrs. I still feel like some day I will get the call that he was found dead in that motel room with a needle in his arm. The damage this has had as far as my daughter is concerned is profound and deep.
To anyone dealing with a loved one addicted to opiate's,remember,there is nothing you can do except be there for the person until it becomes unsafe or unhealthy for you. At that point you need to do what is best for you. The addict will either get clean,or they won't,and there is nothing you can do to propel them toward this decision. ~Namaste~
I read you post and it made me so sad. I feel so much for you and especially for your daughter. It's a strange thing what dope does to us. You take a morally upright person who, in their right mind, usually does the right thing. You put >>>>>> or any opiate into the mix and they become a lieing, thieving, cheating lowlife. I think I was a good person but when an addict, I did things to my parents, and worse, to my kids, that I would never even put into words, its that painful now. As for the guy who's g/f is addicted, sometimes people enable to fill needs of their own, to be important, to be needed, whatever. It's usually so unhealthy for all parties involved. I agree he should lay it on the line and then be ready to leave for his own sake. If and when she decides its time to change, he can be there for her then.
from could not have asked for better man to hes a monster now
I met my husband of 17 years during the time i was leaving a man whom i had been with for 4 miserable years he was extremely abusive and i thought i would never be able to get away my husband was able to make that happen and we ended falling in love and getting married, 16 years later two beautiful daughters could not ask for a better friend husband and above all father to his girls UNTIL one day he got hurt at work and had to have knee surgery and this is where it all began 8 years later , i have no idea who or what he is , nothing left of our marriage , the trauma his addiction has caused my children , his mother myself is beyond explanation , 5 detox , 4 rehabs , in and out of jail, we lost our home our cars our savings , opiates have destroyed a once happy healthy family I recently found out he had been giving my 17 year old oxis behind my back , i went ballistic shes addicted as well now ...If i knew 7 years ago what i know now about opiate addiction i would of giving him a dead line of one year tops ... opiate addiction is absolutely destructive in the worst of way s , my daughters for many years would cry , beg him , threaten him they could not come to terms that he had chosen pills over us , and yes he has because with all the support, from his family , and professionals he never really wanted to get clean he would just play the role when things got serious and HE KNEW I WAS ready to leave him he d clean up until he got me and the girls back in our comfort zone and when we least saw it coming he was high again , that is out outrageous to me wow who the hell does that ? thinks like that ? opiate addicts do!!don't know about others but i have never seen such disregard, for the feelings of others , he is a manipulator like no other , he would steal the penny's off a dead mans eyes , he does not care who he hurts , and nothing but nothing has worked with him my advice to anyone living with someone newly addicted give them 2 3 months to get it together if they don't ? walk ,opiate addiction is so self evolved selfish ,has no regard for children , or elderly , they live to lie to doctor shop to live in a state of stupor , while the family endures things they should never my girls have seen dad overdose 4 times, in jail 4 times or more ,being around him is high stress he requires baby sitting like a infant falling asleep with mouth full of food constantly falling down , slurring speech doing irrational things making messes all the time its horrible i don't wish it on anyone , i have filed for my divorce and honestly would not take him back if he was to go get clean and sober , the damage hes done there is no repair nothing any one could do to make this better , or fix what has destroyed i have thought about a law suit , they keep distributing Oxycontin like candy even after the huge media alerts and news almost daily on the misery heartbreak Oxycontin and any opiate could and will cause if given with extreme care and only short term ...my soon to be ex has 5 pharmacy's he goes to and 6 different doctors and im sure they have a idea that hes doing what he is but ..hey its money in their pockets ...so be not alone aware but be very afraid ....the addiction of opiates is nothing anyone could imagine....its a life of total and complete hell ...worse DESPAIR!
I understand completely. The addict in my family is my daughter. What I have learned thru years, yes, years of her addiction is that the addict has to want help. They will not listen to us, will blame their use on us, not take any responsiblity for their actions. The list is endless. I do applaud your love for her but do not let her abuse your love or use it against you. My daughter is great at that. Addicts manipulate the situation to their favor. If she continues to use run, fast.
I am not a dr. My statements are based on years of experience and related education. Consult with the professional of your choice regarding matters of concern.
Robert is probably going to want me to stop posting with all my contrary opinions, but once you love someone, you don't just turn it off. If that were the case you wouldn't be here, going into some pretty good detail about your conflicting circumstance. So who knows what the right or wrong answer is, but if you didn't give up on her, I would understand. If I told you some of the plum ignorant things I had done for women I was in love with, you wouldn't take my post seriously! I am currently at almost 3 months clean and if my wife would have left me, I wouldn't have quit drugs, I would have actually accelerated their use! (Like Robert says, my favorite drug was MORE) Not that anyone could be to blame for my choices, but if she would have left it would have been even more difficult. Good luck my friend, your not the only poor guy to be screwed by the attraction of a hot woman!
I'm sorry to hear about your current situation, and I can relate. For the past six months I have been scared s***less about my boyfriends opiate addiction. We too met when we was in treatment/in his recovery phase. I can't imagine being in a five year relationship and going through what you're going through. Like I said, six months went by that I wanted my boyfriend to get help, and he just wanted to believe he didn't have a problem, that he'd gone through treatment and was cured for life. Long story short, he is now in jail because of drugs. I can imagine you're feeling very helpless and scared, which is normal. Like some people have already said, she has to want to get the help for herself. It is very unlikely that she will get the help for anybody else, and it may even take her to hit a "bottom" for her to get help. What is her response when you suggestion help? Like treatment, NA meetings and therapy? A lot of people will tell you to leave now and never look back, which is something that I was told numerous times, and if it were that easy we'd do it. I'm sure you're a very caring person and want to help her, but you also have to do what's healthy for you. The best advice I got was to take things day by day and pray that she will get the help she needs. I'll be praying for you!