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Small relapse, back to the start :(
Small relapse, back to the start :(
After just over 2 months clean, I saw my dr (who I see for many other drugs, due to my MS) who refilled my oxy contin 80 (of which I take two morning and night so 160mg ) script. I thought since I had been clean for 2 months I could handle taking them as prescribed ( I have really bad nueropathic pain, again from the MS, and it was really acting up ) yet of course I couldn't. After a few days of taking quite a few more than I should, I decided to flush them as I had been doing really well up until then. So here I am back to day 2 - at least the WD's are nowhere near as bad as the last time.
So lesson learnt - no opiates at all for me. The last thing I need is to go back to where I was when I first decided to get clean.
Originally Posted by annadoman
I'm glad to hear you returned to post what is going on right now - too often, our pride gets in the way, and we are reluctant to be honest about it. So "bravo" on that! Welcome back...
The disease of addiction is never cured, it is only arrested by abstinance. It can and will creep up on us at any point, usually finding the moment of our greatest weakness. The way to stay on the recovery path is to fuel our recovery, just as the pills fueled our disease. It's a big mistake to think that once we're past the first week of detox, we're home-free. In truth, that 1st week is just barely the beginning. Our thinking has to change; our attitudes have to change; our entire way of approaching life and all it's daily obstacles has to change. It is just too easy to slip back into the pills, and we need to expend the effort to stay in recovery.
There just isn't a substitute for a 12-step program, such as NA, AA or CR. I looked back at your older posts, and noticed that you had said, "I have not been to NA or anything like that. I guess it is up to you to decide if you need it or not. If you feel yourself slipping perhaps it would help. If you are not thinking about using, then perhaps you dont need it. It is hard to say really, it is of course ultimatly your decision to make." Honey, if only it were that simple.
We rarely notice ourselves 'slipping' before we fall. And just because we aren't obsessing over using doesn't mean our disease isn't alive and well and ready to strike. For me, a major trigger was simply a doctor's appointment early on. My disease just loved to tempt me when that doctor was before me, holding a prescription pad.
The more effort we put into our recovery, the more likely our chances at long-term success. I pray you will consider getting to some meetings this time, as I know it would help.
You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.
Just a few quick things:
Welcome back - THANK GOD you made it back into recovery.
OK - so now relapse is part of your story (as it unfortunately is part of mine). Don't beat yourself up. Learn from it, make it another tool in you tool belt to fight addiction, keep moving forward.
The disease of addiction does not necessarily want to see you dead, it will settle for seeing you miserable. Do not allow that. Be vigilant. From MY experience - you simply cannot take a disease like this head on, by yourself. Support groups (AA, NA, and CR) are critical.
Last item: Relapses begin LONG before we take that pill or whatever to kick off the "official" relapse. Thinking starts changing, you start changing long before you know it. Again, a strong fellowship; network of like-minded friends, sponsor, etc. is what can help stop this from happening, and save your life.
In summary, I am not a "pusher" of the NA fellowship. I can just simply share with you my experience w/ addiction (opiates). I got clean, had no support (did not go to NA) and relapsed. I got clean again, chased my recovery, got in the middle of NA, and am now proud to say I have a couple 24’s under my belt.
I wish you nothing but the best. From my experience - addiction is too strong of a disease to fight alone.
Persistency is consistency
you've already been given great advice from artist and mottam.
i won't repeat it....i just agree w/it.
i have ms......nerve pain is a pain in the a$$ i know, and it keeps coming back
since stopping opiates i have found that yoga and swimming help tons....
kind of off topic.....just somethiing that helps for me.
all the other things involved with ms....i take a day at a time.
I'm a HUGE believer in NA, AA, whatever recover group out there that works for you.
NA saved by life......
Anna, just keep doing the next right thing. I hate that I have "relapsed" so many times in so many ways, and I am just coming to the conclusion that once we are "addicts" any relapse is just that.
Our town is filled (in AA, NA, and other addict meetings) by the pillars of the community plus the rest of us. It is kind of an "open secret" really, here. It is without a doubt, "my club" and as so recently been brought to my attention, I have not been honest, nor have I been using the resources of this community. Strange that it is so open and across the board here, but it is-maybe because there are so many "water" people. The best part (for me) is that my addiction never had anything to do with being "out on the water".
One of my friends at my Tuesday meeting will not associate with boats as all his drinking had to do with "boating"; my drinking in NYC, and the beginning of the pill problem all had to do with NYC (I am so glad I am not there anymore!). Nevertheless, our experiences are pretty similar if not identical.
Re: nerve pain. I have it every day, and if only Hydrocodone would have kept it's usefulness, instead of demanding more and more, I don't think I would be whining here, (would have just kept using) but it actually started CAUSING pain (is that possible?). Well, anyway Day 5 wd from Hydro. As Mottam said, relapse is now a much bigger part of my story than it was before I was just a garden variety alcoholic. (Lots of years clean from that, but it doesn't count for much if another sword can get you -pills in my case). Unfortunately I hid a lot behind the "Well, it was prescribed!" shield...
When it comes down to it we know ourselves what is going on; I finally threw out everything (except Diazapam...maybe it should go too). I plan to make a meeting every day for quite a while; found a new sponsor (the one I had was pretty soft-and I have more become hers as her problem is finances-not a good relationship). I don't know what I would do though if I didn't have AA to rely upon. They are "my people" as I often say.
Find a meeting that "fits", make it a home group, and branch out from there. The best of the town is usually in attendance. I have always volunteered early on to make coffee (you have to be there so early that you have a lot of time to talk to others-even make THEM welcome; in short, a great way to get connected).
Hang in there, listen to all the help here, and I will just be in the "cheering" section. Not much info to offer but I have been/am where you are.
Anna, not a lot to add except that you have been given suggestions that work and I agree totally, we get well(remission) but never cured. The meetings are what saved my life also. Getting sober/clean was the easy part relearning to live, and how subtle this disease is is what took time and meetings gave me a safe place to practice those skills. as far as thinking my mind is like a bad neighborhood, I don't need to go in there alone Glad you made it back, so many don't God bless surfdog
No matter how well we may appear to be in control, using drugs always brings us to our knees.
Relapse is something to take very seriously as it is often fatal. Many jump right in using the amount they were using before they got clean and it results in overdose. I unfortunately have seen this in 2 people I knew from meetings.
You should be so proud of yourself for flushing those. That took a lot of courage. We all here know the strength it took to do that. You knew where you were heading and you chose the right path.
Dont let your guard down though. Be on the look out for those warning signs. Remember this on a daily basis. "Ask for help in the morning and say thank you at night".
Thank you for all of the advice. I will look into NA as it is fairly obvious that without some support I will continue to relapse. I was doing so well too, but such is life I guess. All it takes is one slip up and you are back to where you started. Still on the plus side at least I didn't go back to >>>>>>.
Thanks again for all your responses.
Anna, you didn't go back to smack because you got back here quickly which is rare.It doesn't take long,because this disease progresses whether we use or drink and even if we don't. Usually we don't end up where we were but where we would have been if we had never stopped. don't beat yourself up, learn from this. To beat up on yourself on re-enforces shame and guilt which will put us back on that merry go round.
So glad you made it back, so many don't. Iv'e only known one to make it back after 10 years of clean time, in all the years I have been around. seems the longer we are clean, if we go back out the less chance we have of making it back. So it is probably a good thing that relapse happened early and even better that you made it back early. God Bless Surfdog
Last edited by surfdog; 06-10-2012 at 03:36 AM.
Thank you surfdog, I have always found your posts insightful - it is good to talk to people who understand what I am going through. And you are right I think, there is no point beating myself up about I just have to learn from the mistakes and not do it again - its just hard not to when I had been clean for 2 months for the first time in years and years
I went to my first NA meeting last night and it was... interesting. Not sure if it is for me but I will keep going and give it a proper try. Problem was that quite a few guys were hitting on me, though I am a big girl and can deal with that Will keep you all updated as to how it gos.
Anna Get a bunch of alcoholics/addicts in the same room you got a bunch of sick people confined in a small place, just because they are there doesn't mean they are getting better. Lisen for quality of sobriety, not just quantity quality shows. As far as those hitting on you I am sure you can insult their ego enough they will leave you alone. One that works well is "are you here to get sober or hit on the newbies, guaren-damned =teed to upset and embarass them" but you are a big girl you know what to do. Check out different meetings find one you are comfotable in and listen for that quality. Hang tight Surfdog
Originally Posted by annadoman
Last edited by ddcmod; 06-13-2012 at 04:59 AM.
you were soo brave to come back here after your relapse..
but more than that, you were sooo wise!
i think that shows you really want it! and that is a huge!
part of the battle!
praying this day finds you all the more determined..
and wishing you alll the best!
Anna, relapse is part of most stories I think (if not, I have had enough relapses to skew the count :-(
People "prowl" meetings for lots of reasons; you just have to keep going to sort out the good people, then "hang" with them.
Saying a prayer for you, Thalia.
I was in a similar situation as you as far as getting clean for a few months then because I couldn't deal w the fibro pain I thought I'd go back on pain meds...the DIFFERENCE is u immediately noticed it was the wrong decision n u saw outside of yourself for a moment n realized your mistake...way to go on making that decision. I wish I had the strength, determination, n insight to do the right thing at THAT time, cuz now I'm on round two of tapering off a high dose of subs. If u ever get that urge to use again, read the threads of ppl having to ct off their DOC or those who made the decision to use subs to get thru the wds.
All in all u are doing great, about the mtgs I decided to go to a drs office who offers one on one n group sessions. I think AA n NA are great resources but you may or may not like it. I feel the need for privacy so I decided on this. Whatever method it is, I def think its great to talk w others, especially ppl like us who have pain issues. It's nice to have others who can relate to what you are going thru n b there to support you. In addition, we are all here to support u too. Just know I'm here for u n if u ever feeling down, craving, depressed or whatever come talk to us!
Way to go n keep at it. Don't do what I did!!!
Big hugs Anna
Anna, I have had many relapses as well. I am thinking I am going to try AA or NA also. It's a great outlet to keep your spirits up and maybe you can meet some people who can be supportive for you
Hi again, just thought I would give an update on how things are going.
I do have supports outside of NA, I see a psychologist and I also have two social workers (don't ask me why two but they are all trying to help me) so between them I am seeing someone at least once a a week sometimes twice a week. They are all aware of my history. So as you can see I have plenty of support outside of NA. But I digress...
On the relapse side of things so far so good. The WD's were very mild compared to coming of smack. Now I just need to stay the hell away from opiates of any kind. I find myself thinking about them a lot and need to remind myself of why I am doing this.
Thank you for your responses they do help a lot as well.
Don't give up n keep seeing your psych n social workers. U may get more out of the group setting though, I did. After hearing others from all diff walks of life (addicted to pain meds for pain, iv >>>>>> users, ppl relapsing, etc) u hear there stories n learn NOT to make the same mistakes as they did. Some of my group members from my first sub experience were losing wives, homes, jobs, kids, everything u work so hard for can b gone in a blink of an eye. Not to b so down but I found their info helped me fight those urges to go back. Well, I'm by no means perfect n I've relapsed too. The difference Is u stopped in the knick of time so nows the time to call out for help if/when u need to talk, fight those cravings n replace them w new things: things u enjoy doing-hobbies? I just want u to know u have support here too, n u can get thru those cravings! Don't become a ME n screw up as badly as I did. Do everything in ur power to feel better, get some massage therapy, physical therapy (helped me learn my limits as far as exercise goes), etc. it sounds as if ur on the right track,just know in ur heart u can do this. Big hugs hun-
Meetings are such a help Anna. I am back to going every day as part of a much more intense program to stay clean after a relapse. I just can't do it again...
Keep up the good work, Thalia
Oh and I forgot to say - due to my MS I cannot walk properly I have bad nerve pain on most of my right side and my balance is messed up. Whats odd about it is light touches hurt but firm touchs do not hurt as much. Anyway I do wii fit everyday for 30 min but excersise such as running is out of the question due to my balance issues.
Nerve pain is like that. If I touch my right hand in one place I feel it in another-disconcerting to say the least! I can't imagine what MS is like... a 1000x worst than what I have. I wish there were a "safe" remedy for us...
Originally Posted by annadoman
join the club....yoga comes with adaptive techniques for ms. swimming also helps.
Originally Posted by annadoman
my experience is that opiates don't help the pain so glad you are off.
I found that opiates help - they numb the pain, not saying it works for everyone but nerve pain is different for everyone who has it. And yes it sucks but i takes other medications. They are lyrica 600mg and cymbalta 120mg. Cymbalta is an anti depressant as well. I have major depression. I have attempted suicide a few times. The latest attempt go me in hospital, I woke up in intensive care. I stayed there a few days then I went to the psych ward for a week. Luckily the psychiatrist there was the one who treated me earlier this year - I had stayed there for 2 months while I had ECT, so he understood I hadn't planned it so he discharged me after a week of observation.
Originally Posted by thalia45
As for the MS yes it sucks, but I need to learn to deal with it. I also have treatment once a month. It is called tysabri it costs 3000$ plus my other medications which cost around 1200$e per month. Luckily we have good public so also healthcare so all I pay is 5.70$ per preconception I cant imagine what its like in the US. i I am curious as to what you've got.
Forgive my tying errors, it can be hard to type when your right hand is numb
Well I seem to have scared people off with my last post
Just to clear a few things up I do not have suicidal thoughts at the moment, and I am not planning it so don't be afraid to post.
Hi Anna...I'm here and reading and i hope you are doing well...
anna chronic pain is tough, I know from experience, nothing to your extent but it is tough. You are doing well we all have our bad days comes with life, and sometimes it is hard to find something to be grateful for but it is there, you hand tight girl pulling for you Surfdog
you are right chronic pain is tough especially when you know you will have it for the rest of your life. I know with MS symtoms can come and go and I have experienced that quite a few times but sometimes they dont go away and that is when you know you will be like that for the rest of your life - the scarring has already been done and there is no way to fix it. To add to that I have an agressive form of it according to my neurologist as I had had over 5 relapses in less than 2 years. The "presents" they gave me were the chronic pain and what I call tightness (which is really called spasticity) on most of my right side, urinary retention which means I have to catheter myself to pee which is not pleasant at all, loss of balance, issues walking and a numb right hand. And I am only 29 (well 30 in september).
So with all that your damn right it is sometimes hard to find something to be grateful for but recently I have been doing just that. I mean it could be worse - I could be in wheelchair for eg.But I dread to think what the future holds. Therefore I try not to think about it in relation to my MS if I can help it. These boards help tremendosly as they provide a (forgive the pun) forum where I can vent, discuss issues etc. I really can not overstate that enough.
And thanks Sunny Mom for your post
Ive said before I have bad fibro n other complex health probs...so I can't tell u I can totally relate but I can to an extent...my mom was diagnosed w/ MS three yrs ago, n she was told she had fibro n other stuff in her earlier years.She was also hospitalized for severe depression, so my heart goes out to u. I understand ur worry in terms of ur health but I think u are doing the right thing n reaching out for support. Hang in there hun. Big hugs
But I think it's outstanding that u are using your wii fit...I have that but haven't gotten it hooked up (it's only been 3 yrs )...
Originally Posted by annadoman
Originally Posted by ARTIST658
Just though I would reply to your post. As you can see I have started going to NA, a lot of people suggested it. I understand addiction is a disease and that is why I am here and taking the advice of those more experienced with it than I. I am sorry your post got lost in flood of posts I received after initially posting, but I did read it.
And CryatalClear while I have no idea what it must be like having fibromyalgia, I can certainly relate to your mother having MS. I wish you both the very best. Actually though both disease share some common symptoms so I can relate to the chronic pain at the very least. Both being CNS diseases they are bound to share some things in common.
You really should try the wii fit though, while I use it to try and improve mobility or at least stop it getting worse its like having your personal fitness coach lol. While not making exercise any more fun it is at the very least not as boring.
your doing great! dont feel bad about relapse. im pretty sure every addict has had atleast 1 relapse in their life. i know i had one too many and i dont plan on having any more. i understand about chronic pain. i have ddd. i know that's nothing like ms but i do understand pain. with some people they find that the longer they are off pain meds the less pain they are in. i hope that is the case for you as well. how are you feeling? have the physical w/d symptoms passed? i hope you are doing well and getting through. i read here somewhere that we are all pickles and we can never be cucumbers again. the way i look at it a mistake is not a mistake if you learn from it so just learn from this time and this relapse will become a learning experience. way to go for comming back so early after your relapse and realizing it. i have to admit it took me months to finally realize that i screwed up and i needed help. that's when i found this site but i dont know that if i had relapsed after finding this site and having so many people help me i dont think i could have admitted the relapse out of sheer pride so kudos to you for that i know that had to take major guts.