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Sick of selfish drug addicts
Sick of selfish drug addicts
I am new to this forum. I am near the end of my rope. I live with an addict. I recently lost everything I owned due to my spouses past oxy addiction. I sold everything I worked all my life for to get us back home from a disastrous move across country so that my son could have a place to live before school started. So you would think that would be enough to make his dad grow up and stay off the drugs ...... A big fat NO! He is dr shopping again for his Neck Pain? All bull????. I am sick of hearing people should stay with these addicts. Facts: the children go without, and suffer neglect and emotional abuse. Facts: family members end up paying for it. Facts: Dr.s are prescribing oxy to people who don't need them and it is destroying lives. Facts: people who engage in this selfish behavior still have to face god someday. I am sick, sick, sick of going without, and I'm so mad I'm thinking of starting a movement in congress - I have had it! God-damn it to all the enablers out there
..... and before anyone gives me ????. I have buldging discs in my mid and lumbar region, a sprained ankle, I have been almost beaten to death, major head trauma, 4 major car accidents ..... and I take Excedrin. Extremely pissed right now ..... sorry.
I hear your heartache loudly in your post--your story demonstrates that one person CAN NOT make another person sober.
I hope you are able to get some clarity about what you have to do for the health and stability of you and your son. Sometimes you have to walk away from a burning house to save your own life.
It's true...we drug addicts suck!
We are manipulative and sneaky. I don't know how our loved ones put up with us. I don't know if I would be able to do the same.
Have you thought of leaving your man? He obviously is still knee deep in his addiction and is no help to u.
It sounds like you're doing it all by yourself anyway, so why not get some space from him for awhile.
As a mother, it's your sole job to protect your child, even if it means protecting him from his father.
I don't think anyone on this site would fault you or give you a hard time about your posts. It sounds like you are truly frustrated. There have been other women on this forum that have left their addicted loved ones and even though it's a struggle, have made it.
I once read someone's comment to a fed up wife that went something like: "You can't say you don't have the money to move out on your own because think about all the money that is going to his addiction. You saving that money alone will be a huge help with your expenses."
I wish you and your child all the best.
One must also be understanding of he disease before making such rash conclusions. I would bet money your man isnt enjoying his life. Trust me, Iv been there. Stole from my own mother, countless times. One of my MO's for gettin money for dope was hittin gym lockers with bolt cutters and finding high end bicycles for pawn. Didnt care one bit when I was in the moment. It doesnt matter to an addict. But, a few hours later, after just commiting a felony for $50, a 10 minute high, yeah you feel some remorse. After doing time and becoming sober, i want nothing more to repay my victims and make it right.
Its just life, some get caught up. Good luck to you both,
I hear what you're saying loud and clear Dopesick. I myself have done some seriously messed up stuff in my addiction.
Originally Posted by Dopesick420
However, having children is a "game changer". The stuff one would normally tolerate can't be so easily forgiven OR forgotten in this type of situation.
If you are in a relationship with an a addict, that is one thing; but to put a child through that nonsense, is unacceptable. That kid is innocent. He/she didn't choose to be in that relationship.
The welfare of the kid is top priority.
Thank you all for the advice. I just need to vent right now. The worse part is that my son loves his dad. His dad plays everyone; he doesn't need to steal. His mother is a nurse who works 70 hours a week, and constantly gives him money. He's 37. What she doesn't realize is he will have nothing when he retires if he makes it. I have a backup plan, luckily for me, my sister has offered to take me and my son in. She has a one-bedroom condo and smokes like a chimney (which sucks too). I don't even have a car anymore - as I had to sell it to get my son home safely from Drug Corridor central AZ. I want to go back to school - but can't plan anything around this situation. I am sick of changing my son's schools. I grew up without my dad which was very traumatic for me, and I didn't want that for my son. I had a job earning $70,000.00/yr with at least 30k in the bank for his college fund when he was 2, now thanks to his dad, I cannot even sign him up for baseball as I don't have a car to get him there. He ruined our credit, spent all our money, and put us in grave danger several times. I am at least home now where I have some support. I really wish people who had children thought about what their actions did to their children. I know what I need to do, it just sucks that I will look like the bad guy for leaving because everyone (including docs) are in denial.
Last edited by mommy37; 07-30-2011 at 02:30 PM.
Totally. Hope I didnt come off as seeing it otherwise. Agree 100%. My "buddy", has a new daughter, like 9 months old. Never even met her. Was born in while in the joint. He just got out and is allready using again. Driving around no license/insur/tags. You just have to wonder sometimes how you couldnt give the world and your life for your chid. Once again, good luck.
Originally Posted by StayCo03115
All you have to know is its not really your husband its the pill doing all of this people that dont take them say why dont you just stop how hard can it be ?? Well too let you know it can be very hard as you can so tell its the pills makeing him spend the grocery money or the electric money you know in your heart that if your husband was sober he would not do that right ?? So dont leave him now it will just make things worse let him try to stop then if he fails tell him thats it you will go with his child i am going through this now and im the addict if she left with my son what else to i have except the pills so thats all im saying and we just lost twin babies miscarriage it is a horrible time she went through misery got percocet for pain she didnt touch them but i sure didd wow is it sick how we are
I know what you mean kid0138. I have been dealing with this since my son was born, and he's 9. First it was cocaine, then a dui, then a car accident and a dr prescribed oxy's. I called all the hospitals and advised he was a seeker after finding out all the money was gone, and they stopped prescribing them. He actually detoxed off of them; it was horrible. He did have to downgrade to tramadol's (which I hate too - another bad drug), but when he lost his job and insurance, he got off everything or so I thought. So I took what money I had left - got a place for my son and I; his dad found a job, and moved in. Everything was good for 6 months maybe, and now he's disappearing for hours at a time, has so many pill bottles in his dresser drawer (with razor blades next to them) everything from morphine to oxycodones I think, he hides alot of them. His mother just keeps giving him more money, as I cannot anymore. It sucks. He is not a bad dad, he was when he was on oxy though. He was 3 different people on that stuff. Everything is beautiful guy, oxycleaning or weeding the yard, or Satan is coming down, go hide. He has never hit my child (or I would beat his ass). He is just not there emotionally, when he does interact with my son - he is so high he is almost childlike says the stupidest things. He is verbally abusive to me, and I never provoke it I just walk away. I put up with way too many verbal assaults. The stress has driven my blood pressure through the roof, and I am in a very bad position. While he just sleeps all day, and misses more and more and more work. I wouldn't even think of getting a job and leaving my son alone with him right now. His mother gave him more money today too. I think I need to have a heart to heart with her again. The worst part is she doesn't believe me, or is in denial. She is a good woman who never smoked a cigarette a day in her life, so she just doesn't get it. I like the comment, "sometimes it better to walk away from a burning house" the best.
Last edited by mommy37; 07-30-2011 at 11:52 PM.
Hon, if I could reach through this monitor and give you a hug, I surely would. I can not begin to imagine all that you've been through. Anyone who knows anything about your husband's situation - or about drug addiction, period - would never cast you as a "bad guy" for leaving. You MUST put your child first - and you are the only parent who will. Besides, even despite the child, you need to take care of yourself in this madness. I often view addiction like the "black hole" of the universe - sucking in and destroying every person around it. Our families and loved ones get hit the worst.
Addiction is a horribly self-centered disease; I should know, I was the addict. By the Grace of God (and a lot of work!), I've been in recovery many years now - and now work in the substance abuse field. I've often thought our family members are made even sicker than we (the addicts) are; they have to FEEL the brunt of our behavior, mood swings and screwed up thinking - while we escape it all with another pill.
Your best support would be to get to either Naranon or Alanon meetings if you can. These are the 12-step groups (aligned with NA and AA) for those who have been affected by another person's addiction. Incredible help is available there, from others who have been in your shoes. One of the key phrases that I have adopted from Alanon is "lovingly detach." And that's what you're trying to do right now - it's a very healthy action in a very unhealthy situation.
In truth, as much as you can see how leaving would benefit you and your child - it would also be a huge benefit for your husband. I've often said that the best thing you can do for an active addict is to allow the addict to feel the full consequences of his addiction. As long as you stay, your husband isn't experiencing what his disease has done to his life. In fact, staying would likely be enabling. Whenever our loved ones step in, to bail us out - to pay our bills or provide a roof over our heads - to make excuses for us or fix our mistakes - we (the addicts) do not FEEL what we are doing as a result of our drug use. We need to 'hit bottom' - and the only way we do is when we experience the full ramifications of where our drugs have taken us.
I want you to know, for your own sake - if it helps - that your husband isn't deliberately trying to destroy your family or harm those he loves. This disease is far more powerful, devious and mystifying than you could know. With addiction, the addict is truly powerless to control his drug use. Addiction takes over our lives completely, and demands that it come first. That need for the drug, just to function "normally," is an addict's #1 priority. It makes any of us do things that we wouldn't dream of doing, if we were not lost in this disease. I put the drugs ahead of my precious children, stole from my loved ones, manipulated doctors and just about anything else a person can do to get a pill/line/drink. Today, 8 years clean, it still boggles my mind how readily I could toss my values and priorities out the window, if there was a drug involved. That powerlessness makes no sense to one who hasn't experienced it. This isn't at all like craving chocolate - or anything else. Our bodies actually change, our brain chemistry actually re-circuits - to accommodate the drug - so that the only way they function - is with a drug within. Addiction consumes us, in essence, kidnapping our minds and souls. This is not an easy thing to overcome, and even now, with all the outcry and publicity, few addicts recovery completely from this disease. It takes heroic efforts, and it takes a lot of help. The only way the addict becomes willing to do all that it takes to get clean - and stay clean - is when they can fully appreciate what the drugs have done to themselves - and everyone they care about. Again - he needs you to "lovingly detach" - and allow him to hit that bottom that could turn his life around.
I hope you continue to post - there's many in your shoes here, and you shouldn't have to go through this alone.
To find a Naranon group near you: http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Groups.html
or, to find an Alanon group (as there are more of them): http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings
You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.
Artist 658 thank you for that information. Unfortunately, I do not have a car right now. Thanks to oxy-dad. So I don't know how I would even get there, let alone, leave my son with this self absorbed, delusional, bad judgemental, scarecrow of a human being. I have had to quit many night jobs because my son would call me crying that daddy fell asleep, and he was hungry too. Luckily, I never married his dad. I knew right after I got pregnant I couldn't. He locked me out of my apt and claimed the baby wasn't his. This was after he begged me to get pregnant, and we tried for 8 months. Sometimes, I think he's just a maniac, or has a brain tumor. Only, he acts appropriately around his parents and doctors, and neighbors, so no consistency there. His mother just gave him another 1,500.00 for the rent, and bills; but will call me in a couple of weeks to complain that she's tired and can't keep giving him money. I told her years ago to just stop giving it to him. I keep hoping his boss will fire him soon, as he never goes to work anyways, so then my son won't hate me for having to move. My son doesn't want to move. I know when my son is graduated from high school that I am moving in with my sister and we will buy a townhouse together. My son can live there too. She never had kids and is saving for us. We grew up with nothing and trust nobody so we stick together. I want to leave, but don't want to hurt my son
So, let me get this straight... Are you saying your plan is to stay with this man for another 9-10 years until your son graduates from high school even though he has shown no effort to get and stay in recovery? He has already caused a ton of damage, and I promise you it is only the tip of the iceberg, and it will get much much worse if he keeps going down the same path.... AND you decide to put your son in the path of this danger. Why don't you come up with a plan to get your son out of this insane lifestyle right NOW. I promise you that even though you think he loves his dad, all of the severe damage he is causing is effecting the family on a very deep level, and he is growing up with a mom full of resentment and a father who is not emotionally available and modeling all kinds of addict behaviors such as being emotionally abusive to you and not showing up for work. Is this the kind of role model you want for your son? How do you think your son will behave as a grown up with a role model like that? You will be hurting your son FAR MORE by keeping him in that environment than the temporary hurt off changing environments and getting into a healthy environment. PLEASE, give your son a chance, and come up with a plan to get him out NOW, not in 9 years. I'm sorry if I'm coming across as harsh - I just want you to see what you are saying.
Originally Posted by mommy37
Here's the problem. He is prescribed these pills by doctors, so I can't get him on anything legally. Therefore, I might have to share custody, which would mean, he would be alone with this sleeping fool all weekend perhaps.
When I mentioned I have no plans to stay with this man forever, I am not ruling out leaving him yet. His rich mommy has also threatened to get a lawyer before if I leave, and I can't fight her money.
I'm not posting here anymore, thanks for the snide comments. I was hoping for real help.
I really don't see that Amianaddict was trying to be "snide" in any way. I believe s/he was trying to be very direct about what what he perceived the situation to be. When we're caught up in addiction - whether it's our own or our loved one's - our thinking is not normal. We simply can not see things clearly. Sometimes, it takes someone from the outside to open our eyes to what's right in front of us. And oftentimes, what we NEED to hear is the stuff that enrages us - that's why it bothers us so.
Originally Posted by mommy37
To be honest, as someone who works in this field, I think Amian was right on point. This situation is extremely harmful for your son, and in future years, you'll come to see what it's done to him - as it will affect him for the rest of his life. Growing up with an active addict in his home is going to distort his values, his coping skills, his view of relationships, and any number of other things. His primary role models are his parents - a father who depends upon narcotic drugs to cope, and a mother who stays puts up with the craziness, but angry and resentful all the way. Seeing you stay is confirmation that this is "ok" - your behavior (by staying) tells him far more than your words could possibly say.
You are the only parent your son has to count on. His dad isn't capable, in his present situation, to put his son's needs ahead of his own. So whatever household your son is going to grow up in is completely in YOUR hands. And, judging from what I've seen over the years, your son will be just as angry with you as he will be with his Dad, when he becomes an adult and fully realizes all he went through. You can step in to "save" him from this madness - and you are choosing not to.
Your posts reveal a tremendous amount of resentment, anger, blame and feeling victimized. As much as you'll protest hearing this, you are not a victim here. You are a volunteer. You are choosing to stay in this insanity. You are also choosing not to pursue the help that's available to you. There is always the choice to leave. Legal aid is always available, if a lawyer is necessary. And no court is going to insist that you share custody or visitations with a father who is under the influence of heavy-duty narcotics, even if a doctor prescribed them. I have no idea why you believe your son will be with his drugged father all weekend! I have to interact with the courts with many clients, and see this all the time. Most of my clients have lost either custody and/or visitations with their kids before they get clean; and the route back into their child's life is a long, well-monitored one.
I don't know what kind of "help" you were seeking here. You don't want to leave - you're miserable staying - and if anyone doesn't see your husband as the only one responsible for this situation, you threaten to storm off. I offered the help of the Alanon or Naranon programs, and that was immediately discarded - with another barb at your husband, for your not having a car, anyway. You perceive your husband as some kind of crazed, selfish villain, yet you stay. What is it you want from posting here? Maybe if you're more specific, you can find the help you want.
You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.
I guess I need legal advice. I choose the wrong forum for that. Thank you.
Hey mommy, I understand and agree with you. Still don't believe the disease business. It's a choice. Every morning we wake up, do we choose to destroy our lives and those that we love or do we choose to do the right thing. The addicts play with our emotions, destroy us financially and we are supposed to stand by them. Find a lawyer and save yourself. The truest statement is if an addict opens their mouth it's a lie! Good luck.
i am married to an addict as well. I have been married for 18 years. My husband is on Percocet 15mg every 6 hours for about 10 years now prescribed by his doctor for "back pain". He abuses them. I recently found straws cut up and hollowed pens throughout the house. He says they are used for "sodering (not sure if spelled right) copper". They have a white residue inside them. I also recently saw text messages to a person asking for "xanies". I looked up on urban drug dictionary that is a word for xanax. He gets high all day everyday smoking weed. Recently i confronted him. We fight all the time about the same issues. My son who is 13years old I caught trying weed for the first time a week ago. His reply to me was "my dad gets high". With that I banned my husband from the home. He came back promising he would stop. Last night I found him getting high again. I threw his stash away and he called me every name in the book. I asked him again to leave. His family is of no support to me. I reach out to them for help but he manipulates them telling them I am insane and he goes to work everyday so I am making this all help. I made arrangements for him at a rehab. he refuses to go. My daughter who is 18 has asked her father to go get help. He tells her he doesn't need it. His drug abuse is destroying my family. It also contributed to his infidelity three years ago. The relationship they had was based on getting high together. Am I the wrong one in asking him to leave because this is not how I was raised and this is not the home I want my children to live in? Please give me any suggestions or advice.
I understand totally what you are going through. My husband makes a decent living and I am always struggling to make ends meet because he waste so much money on drugs. I will march alongside you on Congresss. There is a reason these big pharmacies are on every corner and it isn't because they are selling so much bread and milk!
Kathleen - Amen!
needhelp123 - where to begin. I totally know what you are going through. Sounds like my life exactly. It sounds like your husband is snorting, and I'm guessing mine might be too. I cannot prove it though. I cannot believe there isn't a system that links from state to state a person's drug prescription usage. I see it everywhere, all my neighbors are medicated. I have one who sat around collecting unemployment for 2-1/2 years getting drunk, gettine a dui, and taking pills all day, and just today going to the laundry room, I could hear him telling a potential employer that he would volunteer work for free to help them out. Seems his unemployment ran out. I am secretly smiling to myself that his selfish ways have caught up to him. He's an abuser that sits home all day while his g/f works hard and has lost her credit to. The thing that hurts the most are the countless relatives that keep telling me my son needs a dad; that kids that grow up without their dad, have way more issues. I am not a psychiatrist, but I feel I can't play the balancing act anymore. My sister has offered to help me, but I know deep down she doesn't want 3 people in her small apt. - she keeps telling me I'm doing the right thing by staying. She buys us food, takes us out, and pays for all my son's vacations to make up for it. My son's paternal parents hurt the most, they act like it's no big deal, and they believe that eventually he'll have the surgery? Well, I'm no doctor; but it seems to me, that it doesn't take 3 years and multiple recommendations to have a supposed much needed surgery. Is there no cut-off date on prescription meds? What's up with these pain clinics too, god lord. I am in constant pain, I have very bad arthritis, and my doctors suspect I have uterine cancer as well. I have to have more testing soon, but ironically, he never comes up with my co-pays. I'm just so tired, and sad. When I crawl out of this mess, I am looking into writing to someone to mandate some laws for the innocent people that are suffering. I guess I'll start with my Senator. I also need to look into my states Medical laws myself.
needhelp123 - No, you are not wrong. Only you, know what you can take. Whatever you decide to do, god bless you. My prayers are with you fellow sufferer.
Thekid 0138, I'm sorry I didn't mention I am sorry for the lost of your twins. I thought I had mentioned that. I am under great stress right now, my mother is in the hospital, and my grandmother is at her place all alone, and I've been on the phone all day with elder services to boot.
I wish you the best in finding the strength in getting off these devils and finding true happiness.
Thanks Mommy37. My husband had 2 dui's and I swear he is like a cat and has 9 lives. He walked away from both without any charges. I don't understand. I pray your mother is ok. I know he is snorting. He goes through the supply he doctor prescribes in days. He has been on these pills for 10 years. I question why I even married him. I am thankful for my two children but that is it. It has been a marriage of hell and torment. I had jewelry disappear. I had items in my home disappear. I catch him in lie after lie. I believe the whole marriage was a lie from the beginning. I am 39 years old. I work hard. I keep a clean home. I care for my children. I deserve better. I understand it is a disease but I can't accept that this is a disease I have to sit and watch destroy my home. I live in South Jersey. He drives into Camden, NJ the worst crime city in all of America to buy drugs. I am waiting for the day I get a phone call they found him dead or worse someone follows him home and puts me and my children at risk. I can't live like this anymore. I try to reach out to his mother for help but she coddles him and he feeds her lies she believes. I believe his addiction stems from a long family history. He himself was a product of an affair. His father did not reenter his life until he was about 3 years old and never married his mother until he was 26. His father kept his marriage to his first wife who was the mother of 5 of his children the entire time. My husband's mother was an alcoholic his whole life until age 15. His younger sister is an alcoholic and the older sister has indulged in drugs as well. he never went through counseling as a child and when he was 13 or 14 started with weed and pills. he also sold weed at age 15. his family caught him numerous times but never did anything to help him. At age 19 he was in a dui with a police officer non the less. Walked away due to technicality. At age 36 he had another dui. he was cuffed and brought to hospital. in hospital he walked out of emergency room and the police never followed up on him. the woman he hit was a mother of 4. I remember her husband saying to me on the phone my wife has 4 kids and your husband almost killed her. makes me sick. i feel like kicking myself for staying so long.
needhelp123 I truly feel your pain. I think it is so much worse when fellow family members minimize the situation, and tell you it'll work out. I always think ... really? When? Or even worse when they simply ignore what is going on even when you ask for help? I like you, am a good mother. I am very clean, I make sure my son eats healthy, I cook alot, very rarely do we eat takeout. I don't smoke, drink, or take drugs; I don't buy makeup, I don't buy anything for myself. My birthday was this weekend, and I spent the money I got from MIL and my sister on food and some crafts for my son. I always put my son first . I play basketball with him, football, baseball, swimming, I take him sledding. His father does none of those things. He's always sleeping. I call him Rip Van Winkle. When he wakes up, he's gonna be 60 and alone with no savings, no home, and I won't be there to cook him dinner every night anymore. Needless to say, I hate drug addicts, and any addiction really. Whether it be, shopping, pills, alcohol, it is just plain selfish.
My son's dad grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth, his mother has bailed him out of so many things, even talked a judge out of jailtime when he was 17 for a cartheft and crash that injured several people. She never smoked or drank, his dad was an alcoholic when he was about 9 or so, his brother would get drunk and tell me how his dad would lock his mom outside and tell the boys don't let her in. You would never believe it if you met these people today. They live in a 750,000.00 house, and are well respected in their community, and they like it that way. Hidden. The dad eventually grew up, and doesn't drink now at all, I believe he tries to be a good husband and dad now, but 2 of his kids are addicts. The mother was very narcissistic and controlling; another trait I despise. I am none of those things. I am loving, caring, and kind, I would do anything for anyone who needed it; including give away my last dollar to someone who needed it more. Sadly, after everything I've been through, I don't trust any man now. I just never thought that my son's dad could be so selfish and cruel. It may be a disease, but why are so many doctors' prescribing oxy to people who don't have cancer? What ever happened to physical therapy or surgery?
needhelp123, thanks for the kind words re: my mom. She is still in the hospital, has been since last Wednesday. Her potassium got so low it affected her kidneys. She is sounding much better though. My sister is on her way to her place right now to take care of my grandmother and stepdad who is now showing signs of dementia - good grief!
As for your statement "I don't know what kind of "help" you were seeking here. You don't want to leave - you're miserable staying - and if anyone doesn't see your husband as the only one responsible for this situation, you threaten to storm off. I offered the help of the Alanon or Naranon programs, and that was immediately discarded - with another barb at your husband, for your not having a car, anyway.
I am not being rude, I am dead serious, would Alanon or Naranon programs have a pick-up service?
Also Ruth, I guess I came here out of desperation for some kind of moral support, as I have none from my family or my son's dads' family. They are all in denial, and even make me ? myself sometimes. Please try to understand what it is like, when you are being made to suffer the sins of others!
My suggestion is try to make it to 1 meeting, some how, some way. Mention your transportation issue in the meeting. Perhaps you will meet someone there who lives close to you and wouldn't mind driving you to some meetings.
Originally Posted by mommy37
Thank you AmIanAddict! I thought of that myself today, but do appreciate your advice very much. By some miracle of god, my brother called me today about my problem. He is working hard to get me a vehicle. Which is hard for me, because I am very proud. He is also working to help me get out of here. Thank you god, and I know it won't be easy, but I'm so ready. I hope needhelp123 gets some divine intervention too. If you dont' get help nh123, try to get pictures, keep a log, I started doing that a year ago. God Bless you all!
I feel for u!
Originally Posted by needhelp123
I myself live about 10 mins away from Camden and the availability makes things difficult.