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Serious addiction help & advice!
Serious addiction help & advice!
ok so.. I absolutely love and adore my boyfriend. We have been together for 2 years now and it's been the best two years of my life. My boyfriend definitely has a drug problem that started out to seem what was controlable, and has most definitely taken a toll on both of our lives.
A few months ago I started noticing very rapid changes in just about everything.. His eating habits, sleep pattern, sex drive, attitude, depression.. everything. I caught him one time when he thought I was sleeping snorting crushed up pain killer. "Roxys". He tried so hard to cover it up and hide it from me until I just broke down and started to cry and yell.
My boyfriend was in Iraq for quite sometime serving our country. He now suffers from PTSD, insomnia, anxiety, and chronic pain (from being shot). His doctor continues to fill his perscriptions and fork over a ton of anti depressants, ambien, roxys, and xanax. Like I said, in the begning it seemed normal and he played it off as if he was just taking his regular dose and was doing fine.. but I started looking for things.
I have tried time and time again to help him, get him to be honest or level with me, and talk with him but nothings working. I am at a loss here. I've yelled, cried, talked.. everything. He continues to tell me he is fine and not doing anything that he shouldnt be.
I am 99% positive that my boyfriend is snorting his perscription drugs. In the past week I've found, cut up straws, dollar bills, rolled up paper, and a tiny hand help mirror all in the corner of the kitchen. He keeps credit card, and those little hand held razors in every drawer!
Whenever I try to ask him why they are there, or what they are for, he gives me a song and dance.... I don't know how to help him or what the next step for me to so is. When I try to threaten him that I'm going to leave him, or question him on snorting these things, he gets SO agressive and defensive.
I feel helpless because he always seems to prove me wrong, or make me feel like im being nosy, or annoying, or just CRAZY!
I need some help and advice on what to do here. Thanks.
speaking for myself as an recovering addict...roxies were my d.o.c....i had all the same things sex drive was at a low. sleep patterns were crazy.cut up straws and credit cards to crush them......sounds like to me he is deff using...have you thought about counting his meds to see if hes abusing them???? how long has he been on the roxies??? also i dont think u are being nosey or acting out in any way...seems like ur very worried about him......if u are 99% sure he is using then you might wanna prepare urself for just that....look into it alil more and when u are 100% positive then maybe you should call him out and before you do that maybe find a way to get him some help....i am just speaking on this thread cause i know what i went through being on roxies.....
littlemiss, I am so sorry to say that you can cry, yell, pray and beg and nothing will change until the addict wants to change. You said in your post you actually caught him snorting his meds so you really arent 99% sure, you are 100% sure. It's a sad testament to how we treat vets that pushing pills at him is the only help he's getting for his post traumatic stress disorder. But there it is. It's easier to push a pill at someone than to actually treat the underlying cause of his problem. His agression and defensiveness is also a sure sign that he's using. (I know this as an addict myself). You have to decide for yourself what you want to do. You can cut your losses and leave. On the other hand, you can try to talk to him and give him some sort of untimatum - get help or you will then leave. Again, nothing and no one can make an addict change. That has to come from within.
Yeah, nyg speaks the truth. If he is willing the best thing to do is to ask him if you can dispense his pills. If he was shot and is indeed in pain then asking him to stop is unlikely, however if he is abusing them then he needs help. Try talking to him about it and just explain to him how it hurts you not being able to trust him, and if he is as serious about this relationship as you then he shouldn't have a problem letting you dispense.
Originally Posted by newyorkgal
thank you all for your reply and posts. it helps and means alot. it sucks that doctor keep giving him whatever pills he wants for his "pain" but they've been doing it for a while now. I've tried counting the pills, and i've tried keeping an eye on everything, but i always get a different story like, "i gave one to my friend, or i gave 3 to so and so".. makes it impossible to feel like i have any evidence. I've also been counting now for a while, but he now takes his prescriptions with him.
I dont want to leave him, because i feel he'll fall so hard into addiction and drug use.. but its getting unbearable to tollerate all of this. i love him more than anything in this world and all i want to do is help.
thanks again for getting back to me.
Originally Posted by newyorkgal
what finally made you want to stop, and help yourself?
littlemiss, I've been an addict for over 40 years. I'm 61 years old and took my first opiate at the age of 16. I now take a small dose of an opiate blocker, subutex. So, sad to say, I've never been able to totally kick the habit. My actual addiction, where I was chasing drugs, lying, breaking the law and being a maniac ended a long time ago, when I got on a methadone program. For me, it changed my life. I didn't get "high", I had a job, raised kids and lived a normal life. I've switched to subutex and feel at my age and with health issues that I can't totally stop everything. I am too afraid of the w/d I'd have to go through. So I'm not a good example of someone who is totally opiate free although I live a decent life. There are many many who have become totally opiate free, here and everywhere. I think you just reach a point where the hardships associated with addiction outweigh the feelings you get. I have always said some people just age out of it. It gets tiring. The thing I do know is that no one will do it for someone else. A person has to really, really want to stop because it's a very ha rd thing to do. As I say to all on here with family members who are addicts, I pray they are one of the ones who decide to change sooner rather than later. But you just never know. We are all different. What you do about it now is your choice, of course but I'll tell you that you MUST look out for yourself because everyone around an addict gets sucked in and it's a downward spiral. I wish you all the very best and hope things work out the way they should.
Hey, little miss.
I'm sorry that the person you love is doing this to himself and to you. It is clear as day to me that he is snorting. I was snorting for a while, and I had my stash of credit cards, straws etc. If you think you caught him, and you have all of these little "incidents" then you need to trust your instincts. I mean, if there was just one thing that happened or MAYBE 2, I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but you know the truth.
Now...what to do about it. Well, speaking from experience (which on this site, we all do), he won't stop just because you catch him red handed. And he won't stop just because you ask him to, or tell him to. Sadly, he won't stop even if you give him an ultimatum. He might try briefly, but NO ADDICT will ever quit for someone else. They will only quit when they are ready.
Now on the flip side... If you DO actually leave him, it might make him realize what he is losing because of drugs, and he might decide to quit on his own.
I know that sucks to hear, but its true. My suggestion is stop wasting your time trying to "catch him", and just tell him how much you love him. Tell him you will ALWAYS be there for him once he decides to seek help, but that you don't see yourself in the future living your life with an addict. And leave. I know that's hard, but it's easier now than after you are married or have kids.
When I was really wrapped up in my addiction, there were days I WANTED my husband to leave me, so I could do what I wanted to with my life. How screwed up is that? I quit finally, because I had a moment of clarity where I could look back into my life from the outside and see what I was losing due to drugs. And that was my true friends, advancing my education, my personal self (looking cute everyday etc.), my social life... Luckily I caught it before I lost my marriage or did irreparable damage to my good friendships, but I came close. I'm one of the lucky ones.
Another thing you said... You don't want to leave him because you are afraid he'll sink further into drug use. Girl, don't put that responsibility on your shoulders. You are enabling him with thinking like that. You are essentially saying, "by staying with him, at least he'll stay at his current level of drug use."
That is not for you to manage. You need to tell him drugs or no drugs. He chooses to abuse drugs, or to have a relationship with you. If he choses the first one, then you walk away. If he chooses to get help, then you will stick by him. But by saying to yourself. "I need to stay, because if I leave, it would be my fault if he got further involved with drugs." Is just FAULTY thinking.
The best thing you can do for him is leave and get on with your life. By staying, you show him that he doesn't need to quit. He can have the best of everything!
One thought... You might call his doctor.
Good luck! Keep us posted.
Quick story about my dad... He is a wartime vet from Vietnam. He went through a very similar thing. Addiction, injury, and PTSD. He kept asking me for money, and a place to stay. He wouldn't keep a job etc. etc. I was having a really hard time with it. I felt like if I said no, I was a terrible daughter. I had this whole "honor thy father" thing from the bible in my head. And also the fact that he was the way he was from the war. So I went to therapy AND my pastor. They both said basically the same thing. Stop giving him money, stop enabling him, stop giving him a place to stay, and he will probably learn to do it on his own. And guess what?!! He did. The army paid for his drug and alcohol treatment, as well as his PTSD and mental treatment and he has been sober for YEARS!! And all because I honored him by kicking his ass to the curb. He thanks me now.
Originally Posted by newyorkgal
Thank you so much again. You are an inspiration and a great help.
Originally Posted by goldiej
Thank you for getting back to me. What you said made a lot of sense. I find myself making excuses left and right for him, just so I can trick myself into believing it's not true.
It's so unfortunate that his doctor continues to write out all these perscriptions to him for the PTSD, the battle wound.. and so on. It's very discouraging. IT breaks my heart because half the time I really don't know if he's being honest about having chronic pain, and all the other difficulties, or if it's just to pull one over on me and give him a reason to take these opiates.
In the past, when i caught him abusing.. he made me feel as if I was acting crazy with my reaction (i was furious and upset and had zero time to think about my feelings) he said to me "this is why I could never tell you I had a problem". My reasoning for feeling as if I would have to stick around to be by his side is mainly from that statement.
Im only 21 years old, but I am very smart. I always follow my intuition and I always trust my gut, so I dont know whats holding me up from just putting my foot down. I guess he always gives me a song and a dance about everything I ask, or "accuse" him of which makes it harder to just walk away.
In the past, when I have broken up with him, or told him we need time apart.. he throws it back in my face that it's crazy that I can't understand the problems and pain he is going through. So rather than scaring him, it only makes him think less I guess. It's really a shame because I completely understand and commend him for being a veteran, ALWAYS.. but he misses the main point that he now had fallen into an abusive state and needs serious help.
thanks for you advice, and your experience.. it truly is helping.