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RELASPE ! i know it happens...but I feel sooo bad (guilty :(:(
  1. #1
    bekka1964 is offline Junior Member
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    Default RELASPE ! i know it happens...but I feel sooo bad (guilty :(:(

    I was almost there...almost 2 full months clean. I was so discouraged because of the lack of energy and depression. Minutes seemed like hours..I tried sleeping as much as possible. And I came across 30mil percocet.( from my son 30yr old son who lives with me) He gave me the first 3 (1 the first time then 2) I did not ask.He said he could not stand it anymore,watching me like that,he figures 1 or 2 a week wont hurt.(but I know it will) But I resisted, I prayed and made it through another5 days without. Today I asked him and got 3, I have 1 and a half left. I FEEL SO GUILTY, but again I got so much done these last hours. Why cant I just stop it!!!??? and when he gave them to me that was fine,today he got mad, maybe because now he feels guilty. typing this makes me wanta throw up

  2. #2
    bekka1964 is offline Junior Member
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    . I will come into some family money in the next few months, I am going to check out some treatment centers, I want to feel better naturally without medication, and honestly sitting here thinking about how bad I will feel when I wake up sunday without anything just makes me so depressed. I make handcrafted fabric ornaments and my bsy time is now through dec for christmas. I have orders for 30 right now and I got alot done today but I gotta do this,its my only income

  3. #3
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by bekka1964 View Post
    I was almost there...almost 2 full months clean. I was so discouraged because of the lack of energy and depression. Minutes seemed like hours..I tried sleeping as much as possible. And I came across 30mil percocet.( from my son 30yr old son who lives with me) He gave me the first 3 (1 the first time then 2) I did not ask.He said he could not stand it anymore,watching me like that,he figures 1 or 2 a week wont hurt.(but I know it will) But I resisted, I prayed and made it through another5 days without. Today I asked him and got 3, I have 1 and a half left. I FEEL SO GUILTY, but again I got so much done these last hours. Why cant I just stop it!!!??? and when he gave them to me that was fine,today he got mad, maybe because now he feels guilty. typing this makes me wanta throw up
    Dear Bekka,

    Did you get involved with any meetings while you were clean? That's a key piece of how to keep in recovery over the long-term.

    When we stop, we have to 'set ourselves up' to succeed. That means we obliterate ANY chance of getting ANY pills ANYWHERE. Just as we wouldn't go on a diet if there were a dozen donuts sitting on the kitchen table every day -- we don't quit with pills available from a family member.

    If we can't get the pills out of our house (since he lives with you), then we make every effort to EDUCATE our family on what we need to succeed. When we start out, we are absolutely clear and firm with anyone with pills that they should never EVER give in (pills) to us, regardless of what we say or do. That is essential to our success.

    When we fail to block any access to any pills, we are leaving ourselves a safety net for relapse. That never works for us addicts. Our disease messes too much with our heads - and if we think there's a way to use, our mind and body will create the symptoms needed to "justify" it.

    Let this relapse teach you. Learn from it, and it is not a failure. Pay attention to how this feels right now - having a little buzz - and endless guilt and regret. Pay attention to the depression you feel when you stop. Is that little buzz worth the heartache that remains after? We have to learn to see past the initial high - and further into what we're left with. Guilt. Shame. Remorse. Self-loathing. I know - I've been there too many times, myself.

    Get to some meetings - one a day, if at all possible. Listen. If you have the courage, put up your hand and share your experience. The support you receive there is beyond words.

    When we're not fully committed to stopping, we find excuses. When we are committed, we find solutions. The idea of waiting until the money comes in to go to rehab sounds like an excuse to put off stopping. Be honest with yourself. And then try daily meetings - and firm boundaries with family members - and see if you can do this without spending money on treatment. Set yourself up to succeed.

    God bless,
    Ruth

    bekka1964 and akwindham2011 like this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  4. #4
    bekka1964 is offline Junior Member
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    you are so right Ruth about it all. my situation is different because I live 5 miles into the woods on 10 acres with no car, when the ecomny tanked we lost our house and had to give up the truck we still had pyts on. I have no way to get to meetings, I only have online. after my relaspe last weekend, I have been pretty much in bed. not sure where to turn next. I may go stay with my sister at the beach for a few days, just to get a change of scenary. thanks again

  5. #5
    Strong Desire is offline Advanced Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by bekka1964 View Post
    you are so right Ruth about it all. my situation is different because I live 5 miles into the woods on 10 acres with no car, when the ecomny tanked we lost our house and had to give up the truck we still had pyts on. I have no way to get to meetings, I only have online. after my relaspe last weekend, I have been pretty much in bed. not sure where to turn next. I may go stay with my sister at the beach for a few days, just to get a change of scenary. thanks again
    Hi bekka,

    I just was reading your other thread in the suboxone site about not having the energy to exercise if if you wanted to. But I can assure you that that is the EXACT time you really need to do something, anything to get moving even if just a tiny bit.

    I know you must feel miserable, but if you can just take a simple walk around the house, or anywhere even if it's just a few simple steps, you will begin to feel so much better. Exercise is the BEST medicine for withdrawals there is out there. I'm sure others will back me up on this. So please try to do something, anything and I hope you begin to feel better real soon.

    Big Hugs,
    Karen
    bekka1964 likes this.

  6. #6
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Bekka What did you learn? Does your son use to get high? If he does the one thing he does not want is for you to get clean. That would upset his little wagon, family is normally the first ones to encourage relapse Dog
    bekka1964 likes this.

  7. #7
    CRYintheNIGHT Guest

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    bekka1964
    I know this "is" hard, very hard. Then to pile on all your other problems, no car, miles away from people, NA meetings ,etc. But this is the time when you have to dig deeper, to find the fighter that you truly are. Suffering is hard, it's easier to lay down and do nothing. And, for a few days, that's ok. But after a few days lying in the bed, you'll notice your body starting to ache here and a little there, you'll back starts to hurting and you'll really want to reach for something you shouldn't , just to ease the pain..just a little. DON'T!!

    But the best way to make yourself feel a little bit better is to move it around. Do small chores around the house. Do a little laundry, bending your knees, reaching your arm's up and down, all these little things are great.

    But you did say somethings that stood out! About going to your sister's beach house. "Now, that's a winner". I myself live in one of the most beautiful place's on earth HONOLULU, HAWAII. Although mostly a happy person because I was born and raised here. I do have my bad days. There's something about the ocean thats so powerfully, the smell, the color the taste, it demands respect. There nothing better to take a walk along the shore and just listen and feel the sand and water rushing between your bare toes. In a short time, many of your problems will have been washed out to sea. So, I would say YES! Go to your sister's beach house as often as you can, and be prepared, cause the ocean has many secret healing powers. It could be just what you need!!!







    Quote Originally Posted by bekka1964 View Post
    you are so right Ruth about it all. my situation is different because I live 5 miles into the woods on 10 acres with no car, when the ecomny tanked we lost our house and had to give up the truck we still had pyts on. I have no way to get to meetings, I only have online. after my relaspe last weekend, I have been pretty much in bed. not sure where to turn next. I may go stay with my sister at the beach for a few days, just to get a change of scenary. thanks again

  8. #8
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by bekka1964 View Post
    you are so right Ruth about it all. my situation is different because I live 5 miles into the woods on 10 acres with no car, when the ecomny tanked we lost our house and had to give up the truck we still had pyts on. I have no way to get to meetings, I only have online. after my relaspe last weekend, I have been pretty much in bed. not sure where to turn next. I may go stay with my sister at the beach for a few days, just to get a change of scenary. thanks again

    Dear Bekka,

    Think about this - if you're isolated in the woods and lying in bed for days, what do you think the chances are that you'll be able to maintain recovery? You're setting yourself up for more trouble, hon. Recovery does not just come to us, we have to seek it out. We have to take action.

    Find a ride to get to meetings - call the central services of your local NA or AA and ask if someone can pick you up. Some folks give rides to newcomers, as part of their "12th step" work. Ask a friend or neighbor. Ask your son. The meetings are your lifeblood to success, and trying to get clean without them is like trying to tread water with one arm.

    We can't just wait for depression to lift to get out of bed. We change the behavior - and then feelings follow. It doesn't work the other way. Depression doesn't suddenly disappear while we're hiding under the covers. I understand the feelings completely - I've surely known a lot of depression, and wasted a lot of days in bed in the past.

    Take some baby steps forward - tell yourself you'll just get up, shower and dress. Give yourself "permission" to go back to bed if you feel no better afterwards. Chances are, just those simple steps will give you a glimmer of relief. Try a walk in those beautiful woods - tell yourself, "Just a 5 minute walk" and permission to go back to bed if it doesn't help. Guess what. It will help.

    You are not in full-blown withdrawal after just 3 pills. This depression is probably related more to the guilt, and frustration with your current situation. But wallowing in those feelings will only make it worse. The past is past - what's done is done. Time to find some baby steps to get back into life.

    If your sister's house is a safe place - drug, alcohol and drama-free - then go. While you're there, take advantage of the opportunity for rides and get to some meetings. Whatever you choose, make the choices that will fuel your recovery, and not fuel your disease.

    We get back from recovery exactly what we put into it. Half-hearted effort will result in half-hearted results. Half-hearted results lead us back to using.

    God bless,
    Ruth

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  9. #9
    rxqueen83 is offline Member
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    Hey bekka,
    Relapse is a part of recovery. I say that lightly, because I dont want to GIVE anyone a reason to relapse. It's different from talking about reservations, I don't want to give you any of those. You've been given some great advice. I would definately get up and take the opportunity to go see your Sister, by all means. Any chance you have to get out of the house TAKE IT. Start with small walks around the house, two or three laps at a time, ten minutes at a time and then build up. Also, Ruth is right, people from NA Meetings will gladly pick someone up and bring them home. I've never been to a meeting where someone didn't offer me a ride. I didn't have a license for nearly two years and I still found rides. I know you live far off the beaten path but people in NA are compassionate for the most part. Also, there are meetings ONLINE as well. Good luck, and I hope you feel better. Not really sure what to say about your Son other then I agree with what's been said already.
    bekka1964 likes this.
    COMPLETELY CLEAN (Sub FREE) as of 7/20/12

    "I don't like the drugs, but the drugs LIKE ME" Marilyn Manson

  10. #10
    bekka1964 is offline Junior Member
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    Thanks everyone...I am pushing..but still a slow process. I went to my sisters for 2 days and did not wanta come back, over there I walked to the beach 3 or 4 times a day,I looked forward to waking up, back hm now and I hate it

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