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My drugstore called again yesterday with a prescription to pick up. I thought it was just cholesterol but by some miracle of the devil it was a refill of Norco. I wish I could say I resisted, but I didn't.
I know I have few friends here anymore, but I am not a bad person; I just can't seem to quit this stuff. I keep working, living, with the usual difficulties of life, but I don't want to die yet. I have been doing meetings (AA) every day, and I just got off the phone with my sponsor (again). Is there any hope left? Do I have any friends here anymore?
My boyfriend (73) is facing serious heart problems (so am I - no surrise) and I have been both excusing not flushing pills and my own addictions to get through a few weeks here, but I no longer have any excuses. I am an addict wanting to live a better life, whatever is left of it.
Please, believe I am not an awful person, but I have not found the path out of this pain.
I have been endlessly interrogated and answered every question; done what has been suggested. I will do ANYTHING to get out of this vicious cycle.
HELP, PLEASE! Jana
you need group therapy and support. This forum has tried it seems numerous times to guide you in the right direction. You have just not had the attitude that it takes. You may find it one day, I hope you do. Good luck here on out.
Clean as of 5.29.2014
"Do you have another day 1 in you?"
Thalia, I'm not sure what to say here....on one hand I find it hopeful that you came on and admitted a relapse. On the other hand, as usual your posts bring up more questions. I know that I don't think you are a terrible person...I think you are a person with a sickness (like all of us) and are having a hard time.
If you want to get the most support out of this site, you HAVE to drop the defensiveness. The above statement you made is defensive...are largely untrue. You'll notice I dropped off on your site. Not because I think you are an awful person (which again, I don't), but because I got too frustrated with the vagueness and smokescreens. I want to help you, but I needed answers first....and finally I ended up feeling like I was browbeating you, so I just backed out. I have been endlessly interrogated and answered every question; done what has been suggested.
I again want to help you....and I don't want to interrogate you....but of course the biggest question EVERYONE here is going to have is.....how in the world did you get a refill of Norco when you stated time and time again that you had a "no opiate" order put on to your file. I guess you could just say it was a mix-up between the Dr. and the Pharmacy, and who could prove otherwise? But it's just one of those things that doesn't seem to add up? Or was the "no-opiate" list something that you really wanted to do, and something that you envisioned the best version of yourself doing...maybe something that you planned to do in the future, but didn't actually do? If that's the case, that is o.k., just say so though.
All of that being said, there is only one way out of the life of an addict, and it's to stop taking the pills. I know, easier said than done. But I think that you are waiting for this magic cure to arrive, a great hint that someone can give you to make this all easier, but it's not going to be. You have to want OUT of the life, more than you want the life. You have to get through the first awful phase, and start experiencing the next phases, to really see that there is a happy life after you stop. I will do ANYTHING to get out of this vicious cycle.
It's been over 4 months for me, and I'm so happy that I let myself get through that first 60 days or so (yes, 60'ish). I felt a new phase being around 30 days, but after 60 was when I really felt big changes coming. I feel so much more pride in myself, in every aspect in my life, than I have in the last 4 years (when I thought the pills were making my life better). But that's not to say that it's been easy. This past weekend I went on a family trip. It was the same trip we took 2 summers ago, and during that first trip I was still using. I had a LOT of memories this past weekend of things I did with the pills (same hotel, same itinerary, etc.). There were times were it did feel hard, and I felt twinges. But at the end of the first day as I was falling asleep I realized that I had a truly great day, and the pills weren't a part of it. I was also happy that I was creating new, pill-free, memories in this place.
You say that you will do anything to stop this. Flush the pills and start the wd process over. And this time, don't sugarcoat it. Part of your problem was that you weren't focusing on the right things before. You kept saying "what was the point in whining?". But I think that your mind just wasn't in the game in the right way.
I'm starting to ramble, so I'm going to stop here. I would like to support you, but I would still like an answer to the "no opiate" list question....
Last edited by deleted116; 06-21-2012 at 06:58 PM.
just jumpin' in here, moon, because i wanted to tell you how happy i am for you!
no need to reply.. i don't want to break up yours and thalia's convo here...
bless your heart!
Jana, you just want it given to you...you don't want to work for it. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that's really it. You say you'll do anything, and you ask for help, but no one has anything to give to you, because you want it done for you. It's very apparent, but not to you. And you start with another excuse (I don't think you're a bad person, either, but as Robert says, this is life and death, and real, blunt talk is needed)...you get a call out of the blue from the pharmacist? And you ACCEPT a prescription just like that? You thought it was cholesterol medicine? I have two scripts I get filled every three months, for atenolol and celebrex...I ALWAYS know when to expect the refill call! There are no surprise calls! How many times do we hear it here, when a spouse or parent talks about not being able to get their loved one clean? Until THEY want it, no one can make it happen. No one here can pull it out of you...I truly wish you all the best, but i think you have never been honest with the board, your groups, and (MOST IMPORTANTLY), yourself. You will continue in this loop until you get to that point of total, brutal honesty,with yourself.
Moon, i am so happy for you, too...I smiled at your talk of your hotel and your trip...I can relate to that perfectly...your posts have been so awesome, I almost feel like I don't need to respond because you've said so eloquently what I struggle to get out! All the best to you!
that's the FIRST thing that came to my mind.. the 'no-opiate' list.
J..you know i will be here to support you.. but it's pretty bad if I'M starting to get frustrated. i'm here cuz i love you...or is it your intention that i love?
please just come on and be honest. and i'll be in your corner.
meaning to do something..and actually doing it are 2 different things. this is gonna take some serious dedication. i know it's in there somewhere.
we've all relapsed..but i think ur issue goes a little deeper than just that. it's going to be hard..but you're going to NEED to address it. and you're going to need utter HONESTY in order to do that.
i really hope u get it this time. sincerely.
Thalia, I don't know of anything else to say that hasn't been said. You do have friends here that care about you, no matter what, you are NOT a bad, awful person. It is a good thing that you were honest about getting the refill, but I don't think you are honestly ready to do what it takes to quit. Many, if not all, of us have been there too. Many, if not all, of us hope and pray everyday that we won't be there again, so no judgement here.
Thank you all for answering and this post is for all of you, I am so grateful that ANYONE replied; there are a lot of friends and family and AA people offering support too so maybe there is still a chance. I want to be able to come here and learn truth. I am going to do this, but I so need the help here.
Re: the pharmacy. It is a national chain and I don't know why "the no opiate" sent from my Doctor wasn't in their data base, but I don't know how their database works, or what my Doctor did. The first thing in the morning I am going to call that pharmacy and personally ask they put the "no opiates" in THEIR database. This is not the first time weird stuff like this has happened. We got back from a trip and there was an automated call saying they had a prescription ready for me, and it was for Hydrocodone, which I hadn't had for a long time. I REALLY don't know, but they have been cited for giving wrong prescriptions (one to my boyfriend even). That's the best I can do to answer that, and I will make that call first thing in the morning.
I wish I had said no, but I didn't have the guts to refuse. I did email my Doctor, and he was glad for the info; I told him I had the pills and now I have taken some-howmany, I don't know. I do want to be truthful here and I can tell you I will be. Just PLEASE let me keep talking with truths-the first being that I am going to try tapering down with this prescription (I have felt so terrible since quitting the last time and now I am in it again.
I just want to tell the truth about what's going on, however wrong-minded it is, and I understand that you can't help unless I do what is suggested. It helps just to post and read my own BS.
I am still going to daily AA, and have volunteered to help at the assisted living community (10 blocks from here) that, to get my mind of MYSELF. I am doing whatever they need (at the moment showing them how to use the computer). I reason that if I feel I am worth "something" it will help.
Originally Posted by moon6748
Originally Posted by thalia45
Moon - you said it so well. Thank you. Your words are to the point and quite eloquent. Wish I was feeling eloquent right now, but I'm just going to say it as I see it.
More half-truths. More blaming. More excuses. Hard to applaud you for honesty, when the very core of your story sounds so unbelievable: There is no national pharmacy that refills a hydrocodone prescription without being asked - without a refill on order - and actually CALLS you to say, "come and get it."
It just isn't the least bit plausable. Even regardless of the "no opiate" order - hydrocodone is not automatically refilled for anyone without a specific request for it. Save that story for the non-addicts in your world who don't know better. Get to the truth if you want to stand one iota of a chance at success. Admit personal responsibility. Own up to what you did. You found a way to get more pills, period. You sought it out, period. No pharmacy or doctor has even one grain of blame.
On top of that, the "I told him I had the pills and now I have taken some-howmany, I don't know. I do want to be truthful here and I can tell you I will be" - is utter hogwash. If you wanted to be "truthful" you could have dumped out the bottle of pills, counted what pills remain and you'd be able to tell the doc - and us - exactly how many you took.
I'm not going to do this for you - neither is anyone else. You have to want this more than you want the pills. You keep saying you want help - but we can not do more than you're willing to do yourself. All the encouragement and hand-holding in the world won't help if you keep open access to more pills.
I woke up in pain. I'm sitting here now in pain. I have a doctor who - if asked - would prescribe a narcotic for me. But would I call her? Not a chance. I'd have to have an appendage falling off. I want recovery more than I was a quick buzz. I worked hard to get to this place, and I'll be damned if a single pill is going to obliterate all the effort. I can see past the pill - and to the nightmare just behind it. I can see the consequences, and I don't want them. So I don't go there. It really is that simple.
IF you mastered years of recovery with alcoholism, this is not new to you. But we still haven't heard the entire truth about your alcoholism now, have we...?
If telling the complete truth about what's going on seems like "interrogations" to you, then you just don't get it. No one is enjoying questioning you again and again. This isn't fun. You're setting us up to look like some kind of crazy nazi recovery cops, all because you want to haze over the truth.
NO - You have NOT answered every question. Rather, you have carefully avoided and evaded answering most questions with a very well-honed, slippery technique to sideswipe accountability.
I backed off your thread, simply because I "plum wore out," trying to get you to comprehend the need for "COMPLETE HONESTY" and trying to explain (again and again) that you can't get clean if you're holding back half the facts. You tell us half the story, and expect us to believe the smokescreen you create about the rest of it. We're addicts. We see past it. This story of a pharmacy filling a norco prescription and calling you to get it... is almost laughable. They simply would not do that for a controlled substance.
No one just hands you a bottle of pills, and you just magically find yourself using. And until you own up to what's going on, you're doomed to repeat it.
Until you give up the smoke and mirrors, this roller coaster will never end. Sadly, I know what to expect for a response - a vague wisp of responsibility, followed by some lame excuse to deflect attention elsewhere. Maybe something about your heart condition or your b/f's. Maybe more about your right hand. Maybe a long song and dance about why this pharmacy provides *this* unique refill service, without being asked.
You clearly are not a stupid woman, and I'm rather insulted that you expect your half-truths to fly here. You can not possibly be this blind. Drop the act. Tell it like it is - not like you want us to think it is. As addicts, we're good at conning doctors, husbands, family members, friends - but conning a bunch of addicts? Hardly.
You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.
omg what a load of bollocks..... the pharmacy rang. i thought they were.,,,,,, omg i still cant beleive the bs i hear coming over this site.... YOU PICKED THEM UP COZ YOU WANTED THEM. in fact you probably rang and asked for them COME ON LADIIIIII, you are so full of bs its not funny.... thats why i stopped posting on your thread... the one of many. omg... omg.... i need to back off...
OLD SKOOL SAYING..,,, '''you cant con a con..""" and that ladiiii, is said with no apostrophe for spelling. im tryin to get right to the point with you.....
i sooooo wish you could see my expression right now....
This was the last of 5 refills (my Doctor had more faith in me-he knows better now); since I get automated messages from the pharmacy I think it was just in the system. Believe it or not, that is what happened and the really bad thing is that I went and got them. I won't name the pharmacy, but I will call them at 9AM when the pharmacist is in.
I have no faith in me; I am trying to build some.
Artist, I have had nothing but admiration for you-have read your posts and wished (not worked to get) your kind of sobriety.
Cheeky, I don't know you so well but I respect that you know your stuff.
Alcohol? ...will always be my biggest stumbling block. I am just continuing the 90 and 90, and will take on a coffee commitment next week at the daily meeting.
I am worn out with "me", and don't blame anyone for backing off. I would too, except I live here and I want to live longer if possible.
Thanks for replying but I am quite possibly un-saveable. May I keep trying?
You all should know that you have given me the courage to keep trying. I was pretty close to just checking out.
A lot has changed since I got on the site again.
When I was using and trying to tell anyone who would listen about my great strides in getting clean.. Those that knew me crossed there fingers but knew what was really going on... Those that were my "new" friends would hop on board and believe errrrrr support me when I told them my story's errrrrrrr journey.. I was a spinmaster, you are a spinmaster.. Addiction does that to you... If you were on the no opiate list, you would not have had that magic refill and if you wanted it as bad as you say you do, you would have either A) not picked up the script once you found out what it was... Sorry, but I don't buy anything you are saying.. It is the sick you that is saying it. I am not doubting you are a good person, but you are very sick Thalia/sue/jane... and need help that those on here cannot give you. You are living your active disease on here. GET HELP. enough of the "half truths".. Will people come here and buy what you say, yes... But those of us who know you are going to tell you what I am telling you... YOU NEED HELP that an online forum cannot give you. All my best, Reid
P.S. Did you just take one of those magic pills? are they flushed? what does keep trying mean.... Once you run out of them, you will once again... want it soooooo bad???? Been there done that
Let me guess what is coming next.... New Thread
Last edited by caughtagain; 06-22-2012 at 06:54 AM.
(ClassiqueMom & Sunny Mom, thank you for your very sweet words....it's been hard work and hearing those words keeps making it worthwhile! )
Ruth, I think that you said it best with this statement:
Thalia, honestly, if there is one sentence to sum up what has kept me going, it would be this. In the past when I always failed pretty quickly after stopping, it's because I would forget these words. I would let the cravings and my need for immediate gratification push them out of my mind. This time around I think of them EVERYDAY! I don't let myself forget them. As I've said many times....I would like that one pill....I LIKED how they made me feel. I mentioned the vacation I was on. Many times I would sigh and think "ah, I remember how nice it was to take something, sit back with a drink in that chair, and relax.". If I could have experienced that feeling in a "vacuum", I would have. But that reality doesn't exist...and to stop those thoughts from becoming overwhelming, I would remember what Ruth just said. Right beyond that relaxing vacation moment is a nightmare lurking, and I don't want to go back to it again. I can see past the pill - and to the nightmare just behind it. I can see the consequences, and I don't want them. So I don't go there. It really is that simple.
What I really see in your posts is that you talk about doing the work, but don't really want to do it. I could go back and pull up how many times you said "I'm SO glad I put myself on the no-opiate list, because that is that". You said that there was no possibility of getting more pills, so you had to be done. But what you weren't seeing clearly at the time, and what people tried to tell you is that if an addict wants pills, they will get pills. You have to quit even knowing that there is a world of pills right outside your door, at your fingertips.
You are living your active disease on here.
Listen to what Reid said, because it's true. You may think that everyone is ganging up on YOU, but they aren't. It's just that we can see so clearly what is going on. Until you let down all your defenses, smokescreens, self-pity, etc., you really won't be ready for help.
Lastly, I want you to know that I'm speaking to you the same way I'm speaking to a close friend of mine in real life. She tried to quit 10 days after I did, but relapsed. Now it's been 4 months of her saying that "I just have to get through this event", "Next week will be better because I have nothing going on", "I'm going to get more and taper with that because tapering is what works best for me". She blames her continued use on everything from her hectic life to a medical condition she has (which does not require opiates btw). I know she does this as a deflection to me because #1-my life isn't as hectic as hers and #2-I don't have the same condition, so how am I to argue? But at the end of the day she is an addict that can't stop right now. Tomorrow she is supposed to start again, but I'm sure that something will come up and the endless "taper" process will begin again. She's not a bad person and neither are you. But you are both addicts who refuse to put down your heavy bag of excuses and deflections....
Last edited by deleted116; 06-22-2012 at 07:28 AM.
agree with Moon 100 percent.. Technology..... ain't it grand
What I mean is, Thalia/sue/jane Boy I would have been shown the door if I would have come on here when I was using errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr getting clean.
my first go around ( and I speak of this often on here)... I would preach,tell, say it as loud as I could how clean I was... And argue... oh boy if you told me that I was fibbing, I would deflect errrrrrrrrrrrrr defend and blame whatever I could spin errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr justify errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr find... Moon is correct, we see it... clear as day... I used for decades, I was a spinmaster for that time too. I had to defend myself, lie to myself and that is the thing too... When we as addicts get to the point where "we" buy our own lies..... game over, lying to others is a cake walk... THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE NOW... I am not going to do as others have done and cut, copy and paste certain lines and tell you how they do not add up... I am just going to say, you are a mster manipulator ( as I was) and need to either A) get real or B) find another forum because this excercise is getting old... now, before anyone comes on here and tells me to lighten up, know who you are telling... I try to be the most supportive, understand person on here, BUT... enough is enough on this one... All my best. Reid
We say that Addiction is a process not an event... You are stuck on the part of the process that entails USING.. YOU NEED HELP. NA, inpatient rehab might be a good start, but again... saying you want it and wanting it are two different things (SMH)
Last edited by caughtagain; 06-22-2012 at 07:40 AM.
You do not know me, nor do i know you aside from the many threads i have read that you have made. My advice to you is to not only want to be off pills but before you commit to it ask yourself if you can accept a life without pills. No matter how much i wanted to be off pills i could not get clean until i could accept the fact that "Clean" meant no matter what i want at that second, i will not take another pill. once i accepted that i couldnt take anymore it was ammo for my not WANTING to use anymore. i apologize if this isnt very clearly expressed but.... You want to be off pills, Thats not enough. Accept the fact that you will NEVER take a pill again and then you will stay off them. sometimes wanting is not enough. Accept the fact that you will not take another pill..... Ok; i think that was beat with a wooden stick enough.. Good Luck and dont kid yourself or try to manipulate others for their pity with this "Taper" flush and drive on.
I will continue to call you Thalia because I don't believe that "Jana" is a real person....YET. I don't say that to be cruel either, not my way at all if you know me.
I have wanted to post to you so many times, but held off as I am not 100% clean myself. But I do want to take this opportunity to say a couple of things if I may.
It seems to me, from my point of view as a very new person here, that you are using this site to gather as much ATTENTION as you can get. This is MY OPINION ONLY now, but you make post after post, on thread after thread and keep it all going to your benefit. It seems as if you are ONLY interested in the ATTENTION that you get from everyone.
I could be completely wrong and if I am I certainly apologize to you for saying that. But it's just what I see and read as a person very new to doing ALL the RIGHT things, and what it REALLY takes to succeed. You have been given soooo much advice and soooo many suggestions, and you blow it off every single time. If you come here and want help to get your life back to being your life instead of it belonging to your addiction, it seems the least you could do would be to take it seriously?
I only want the best for you THALIA, and I will be thinking and praying that one day soon you may see the light. That is the ONLY way you will succeed. Thank you for letting a newcomer say what I felt. I wish you could be in my position and want it as bad as I do! Blessings.
While I do believe that the pharmacy contacted you, yes, Ruth some pharmacies will set up automated refills And yes, unfortunately some dr.s do not rescind prescriptions, even when you notify them. Not being able to resist, that I believe, however:
I told him I had the pills and now I have taken some-howmany, I don't know. I do want to be truthful here
There is not an addict I have encountered that doesn't count pills.
And the "I want to live" and "Thanks for replying but I am quite possibly un-saveable. May I keep trying?" quit the pity party, Jana. It obviously won't happen here.
And again, quit trying to defend and deflect your actions!
The reason people are dropping from your thread is because we cannot help you Honesty and Accepting Responsibility! You are doing neither. You seem to want us to feel sorry for you, we've all been there! Wanting someone to "feel sorry for us". Accept responsibility: You drove to the pharmacy, You picked up the pills, You took the pills. End of story. It wasn't the pharmacies fault, it wasn't the doctor's fault: It was your fault, Jana. Pity may make us feel loved, but it won't get us clean.
The Lakota have no word for "I'm sorry." Accept responsibility for your actions and you change your life or you don't. Simple.
You whine about having no friends here, what can you say to someone who won't accept the responsibility of their actions?
Last edited by iloerose; 06-22-2012 at 08:56 AM.
Hey Rose... Agree with you.. (not sure what Lakota is. is it a tribe?) first thing I thought of was Dances with Wolves when the dude points at the Buffalo and says to Kevin K... "TaTanka" haha, anyway always love seeing you post....
HaHaHaHa! Reid you are really something else! Well said my friend! Awesome really! LOL.
Originally Posted by caughtagain
Hmmmm something smells fishy here. I commend you for coming on to discuss your relapse but I'm also detecting the odor of BS. I thought you had to see a Doctor for each refill of a controlled substance? I know vicodin WAS allowed to be refilled the last time I took it, but that was a long time ago. I thought for sure pretty much every refill of a controlled substance had to be authorized by a Doctor? I also don't believe that if you had a serious discussion with your Doctor he/she would not make sure you were never given an opiate under their care again via refill or new script? That's their ???? on the line there. When I had that serious talk with my Physician, he listened very intently and made sure all my scripts were done/cancelled. I'm not buying that someone who is serious about getting clean didn't call the pharmacy and make sure no opiod refills were provided.
Thalia - you know I'm behind you 100% and I'm not 100% qualified to be passing judgement on you. I'm just saying I KNOW FOR MYSELF if I sit in the barber shop long enough - well I'm going to get a hair cut. Your Doctor is responsible to see to it no more opiates are given to you if you did indeed pass the message, and yes so would the Pharmacist, BUT SO ARE YOU! There is personal responsibility in all this. Why haven't you called the pharmacy to tell them, NO OPIOD REFILLS. Cancel them, and the phone calls! And why would you go and pick them up? Your asking for it. I know for myself, although I probably could deal with it seeing I've dealt with it recently in the past, why would I tempt myself with a bottle of pills laying around? It's just not a good idea.
Welcome to the WTF club as it pertains to Thalia/jane/sue...
Inpatient rehab. You're not hearing what anyone on here is saying. You say you are, and you may even believe you are, but you're not. Your 90 in 90 thing doesn't seem to be focusing your attention on recovery either. It's just too easy for you to keep weaseling around. Sometimes I think you're not even aware you're weaseling.
If that's the case--and the weaseling sure hasn't stopped--you need to get OUT of this environment where you and your addiction are running the show. Right now you control the information you give us, you control the info you give your sponsor and colleagues in AA, and your addiction is still in control.
Nothing we can say can help you, because you're not absorbing it. You're impermeable. I think you need inpatient rehab, and a lengthy stay, to snap you out of the trance you're in.
No Reid, no new thread. Have not had the courage to flush the pills. And yes, I have started with a therapist.
Deb, I will hope that a few people hang in here with me with this, thanks for the hope. ...and Jana is my real name. I will continue to post as long as they let me. Somewhere within me is the clean person I want to be.
Originally Posted by caughtagain
here's the deal for me.
there are a lot of people here with clean time who have physical obstacles.
there are a lot of people here with clean time who have lost loved ones or are caring for loved ones who are sick or struggling.
there are a lot of people here with clean time who have or have had tragedies and faced them clean.
there are a lot of people here with clean time who are struggling financially.
there are a lot of people here with clean time who are your age or close to it.
there are lots of us......
i remember writing a post a long time ago that said if you can't find hope, laughter, and what you need to get clean here, you just aren't looking hard enough. i think i had about 60 days at the time. i still believe this.
if you come here looking for sympathy or a pity party you have come to the wrong place.
the winners look at the positives.
they look for hope.
they will listen to other's telling them "this too shall pass" and believe it, because they see it has worked for others. they hang onto to that until it happens for them, they put all their hope and prayers into believing that is true.....for months if that's what it takes.
they listen...they go thru the w/d's moaniing and groaning, laughing and crying....and eventually give back what they were given.
the beauty of this place is that although we are all individuals, and special in our own ways,
we are all also the same.....addicts.
some of the very people who have asked you to clear things up are those who have faced some of the hardest times, physically, emotionally, spiritually and gotten through it......clean.
We are special because we have "gotten it"....addicts who are in recovery are strong....very strong.
we are not special because of what life has thrown at us, that's just life.
but facing it clean?.....that's special for us.
Today, 07:15 AM #25
Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 436
I really admire you all and wish I had your courage; I am still "tapering". What a waste, and I know it. Keep going you people; it will be better so soon.
I Feel like Arsineo Hall......THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO WTF errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr HMMMMM Does that mean you figured... Ahhh what the H$ll, might as well take em. Geeeeeesh
Iloerose, Thank you for this quote:
"The Lakota have no word for "I'm sorry." Accept responsibility for your actions and you change your life or you don't." Simple
I know I have very few believers here, but I am trying. I do accept responsibility. This has been a brutal few months, and I know many have given up on me, (I have also, mostly), but I am still trying to change. As long as I can I will continue to post.
Just know that all your comments have helped, and I am not defensive. I DO listen, but I feel as Reid said I need more help. This site, however, keeps me from giving up and makes me think, every day and every night.
So don't waste time on me because it may be a waste, however I really do just want to say thanks. -Jana (my real name)