[pbs8218]

It's been since before Thanksgiving since I've posted, don't know if anyone's noticed, except you, lilbri, I did get your msg, thanks.

In 1 1/2 hours, i'll be 17 days clean. I have to say these last 5 days have been probably the hardest 5 days I've ever been through mentally. I haven't posted because I was first of all, HIDING, and second of all, afraid of scaring someone away from stopping THEIR pain.

After talking to Robert a few times today, he thought that I SHOULD post and get the support from all of you.

I don't really know what I expected, but didn't expect this. On day 10, I was on top of the world. From that point down to now, have been the lowest points of my life. Ive even said a prayer here and there, I'm ashamed to say, that I know He has a time for me, but could he please hurry? I have never felt so empty, alone, and just plain nothing, ever.

My body feels like it's full of sludge, I have NO desire to do anything at all, except wonder why I was doing this? But what else to do, because the only shining light out of all of this, is I have absolutely NO desire to use. So here I sit. I feel like I'm waiting for something that's not coming. All I can do is cry. I keep hanging on, thinking tomorrow this will pass. I wake up, and I'm still here, chugging along.

So you can see my fear of posting, of being afraid of scaring people away from getting clean. But I put myself here, in this awful place and it took almost 9 years to get here, I guess after 17 days, I will keep going.

Robert & Annie, You will NEVER know how grateful I am for keeping me going. I really thought I had nothing left in me.

[melinda7.5]

Hi Peggy
I have been wondering about you,and cheryl too!!
I sorry your having a hard time right now,
We just need to find something to get those endorphins working again...
We need to make you laugh,,when I first stopped taking my drugs.
I started walking on the treadmill and watched friends on dvd,they made me laugh.
Find a cute boy and flirt with him,that one really works.LOL
Get a friend that makes you laugh and spend some time with them.
Try to do fun things or anything that is exciting to you.
Once your endorphins start working,you will get your energy back and will have a sense of well being.
I did go back to church and that really gives me peace...
If you ever need anything I'm always close by and love to talk to you.
you can e-mail or call anytime...
Talk to you soon, Melinda

[Robert_325]

Hi Peggy,

I'm so glad to see you post finally. It's kind of late tonight but sure you will receive some replies soon. Try to keep positive. Remember that if this was easy no one hardly would have an addiction problem. You said it yourself that this has been going on for a long time. We do this for years to ourself. Only the very fortunate get over the detox within days. Being totally honest when I detoxed I would have to say that it took me about three months before I regained any normalcy to my life at all. I actually wondered if any of this was worth it at all. I contemplated the worse escape of all. Thankfully God intervened and I survived.

Don't allow yourself to isolate in desperation. That totally sucks. You need to be able to talk to someone. Email me. Email Melinda. Do something just don't sit there freaking out about this. You're clean now and have been for pushing three weeks. That is quite an accomplishment. You should be excited for that. Do you have any idea how many people start this and fail? You're showing a lot of fortitude and perserverance. Don't give up on yourself. So often we get discouraged and don't give this time for the miracle to happen. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless.

[learning_to_be_free]

I know what you mean about the depression I have been depressed as long as I can remember but ever since I got on methadone and started my taper off that 2years ago my depression has steadily gotten worse and my anxiety is through the roof. I have to talk myself out of bed in the morning and into everything I do all day which isnt much. I have no drive to do ANYTHING I have to force myself to do the basics. Its horrible to feel useless, unworthy of happiness you know what I mean, but I know I need to get through this for me...for my family. I wish I could say it wont take much and you will be better but it really takes alot work to come back from all we have done to ourselves...from what others have done to us, atleast in my case, maybe in yours. I have to go to a therapist to get a life going for myself. I know I cant do it alone. Your depression is probably caused by that huge smack of feeling everything you covered by the pills. They make you numb to the world. At first it can feel very cold and lonely when you are see & feel everything clearer and you arent expecting it. It will get better and know that you have been an inspiration to people probably alot more than you will ever know. You are a strong person. I admire your courage to do all that you have. You give people hope, think about that when you are feeling down. I hope that I didnt make things worse by saying how long I have been depressed but I havent really & truelly worked to stop it until recently. I just took anti-depressants(and opiates) and thought they should do the job. Now I see it takes much more than that. You already know that and are determined. I dont see this being a huge problem for you if you just take the time for yourself. I'll pray for you and congrats on your 17 days that amazing! You should feel proud

[money_chick]

I noticed your were gone... how could we not? We care about you. I had hoped hiding wasnt it, that it was the holidays.

I just woke up, and I'm in withdrawls. I may not make much sense now, but Peggy, just hang on.

It passes. Sometimes for a day, sometimes for an hour. Try to make a list on here or in private of things that bbrought you joy before using. Now focus oon those things.

This is when the metals are getting in the way. Its the hard part, really, those days of darkness that seem to never end. But they do, baby, they do. Its worth it.

You need to take comfort in your success thusfar and realize it is teporary.

Don ever hide. I know, it leads to a bad, bad place.

[pbs8218]

Hi Money, thanks for posting. I'm sorry you're going through such horrible w/ds. I can see you're shaking which makes it more special that you took the time to post.

I am the queen of hiders, ask my mom. she knows when I don't answer the phone or call, she should worry, imagine if she knew this problem? Jeez, she'd probably move her and my dad in with us, ugh! Love her to death, but couldn't live with her, she's always on a natural buzz and it makes me jealous that a 68 yr old woman could have more energy than i've had my whole life added up.

I do go to doc today, looking forward to it, i am severely anemic in iron and b-12, so I'm hoping he's got some plan for me today. My worry is the vampire just going to take more blood, which they've been doing for like 5 wks, just watching my numbers drop like a rock, and order more tests. Just start giving me some d*** b-12 shots and get it started. my body has something like malabsorption that makes it impossible for it to absorb some vitamins and minerals. Nice, just what someone like me needs, huh?

I do feel better, after posting, all of you are right. My husbands been bugging for days for me to get on, but who wants to hear a whiner all the time?

By the way, my mind is so foggy, whoever had that link up about the motivational quotes and beautiful pics? It was beautiful. When I can get my head together, I'm going to write them down. Thanks to whoever put that on.

Thanks again money, thanks for caring.

[pbs8218]

Hi Melinda. thanks for writing. It's been rough, to say the least. I have always been a low-energy person and have always fought depression. Ive had my lows. But I have NEVER felt like this, and it's scary. But, since I finally posted last night (THANK YOU ROBERT), I feel better today. It's like writing in a diary that talks back with advice and support. How could I have turned my back on that?
Have you heard from Cheryl? I think she's hiding too, which scares me. She sounded like she was doing great. Looks like she last posted 11-22, if i'm right. Which makes me worry. I don't want her in the place I was. Do you have her number or email to call her? Let me know if you hear from her. Thanks Peg

[money_chick]

I'm worried about her too.... no email contact on her profile. Yall excuse my typos please? Its awful.... lol....

[pbs8218]

Originally Posted by learning_to_be_free

I know what you mean about the depression I have been depressed as long as I can remember but ever since I got on methadone and started my taper off that 2years ago my depression has steadily gotten worse and my anxiety is through the roof. I have to talk myself out of bed in the morning and into everything I do all day which isnt much. I have no drive to do ANYTHING I have to force myself to do the basics. Its horrible to feel useless, unworthy of happiness you know what I mean, but I know I need to get through this for me...for my family. I wish I could say it wont take much and you will be better but it really takes alot work to come back from all we have done to ourselves...from what others have done to us, atleast in my case, maybe in yours. I have to go to a therapist to get a life going for myself. I know I cant do it alone. Your depression is probably caused by that huge smack of feeling everything you covered by the pills. They make you numb to the world. At first it can feel very cold and lonely when you are see & feel everything clearer and you arent expecting it. It will get better and know that you have been an inspiration to people probably alot more than you will ever know. You are a strong person. I admire your courage to do all that you have. You give people hope, think about that when you are feeling down. I hope that I didnt make things worse by saying how long I have been depressed but I havent really & truelly worked to stop it until recently. I just took anti-depressants(and opiates) and thought they should do the job. Now I see it takes much more than that. You already know that and are determined. I dont see this being a huge problem for you if you just take the time for yourself. I'll pray for you and congrats on your 17 days that amazing! You should feel proud

Learning, how long are you clean now? I see you say you started the taper two years ago. And you're right about the pills numbing everything. Pretty sad when the only good feelings you have over all the years of using is the few hours your on those stupid pills. Thats what I used to tell my husband. "If you want to quit, quit. But taking them is the ONLY time that i feel GOOD". How pathetic is that? That should have sent BIG red flags going off? Only feel good on them? Jeez, what did that say about me as a whole? Hopefully in time, I find the right way to feel "good". But think it will be awhile. Thanks for caring. Peg

[cagirl]

Hi Peggy...I am sorry your feeling so bad right now...wish I could take it away...Hopefully going to the Dr today helps you feel better get those extra vitamins in you...Like Melinda said if you can walk or do some type of exercise it will help...It wont last forever you will make it through it could be the holidays too making you feel sad...Keep Positive your doing great...Take CAre!!!!! No more hiding...

[icandoitin08]

Oh Peg, please send me an email so I can contact you. stronger09@gmail.com

I am fine. Just very busy.

I am so sorry you are struggling. You are doing this to save your life! Look for the Cardinals, they are there. Now, when I see one I think of you! We can do this one day at a time!

Hang in there, I will pray for you!

[pbs8218]

Originally Posted by icandoitin08

Oh Peg, please send me an email so I can contact you. stronger09@gmail.com

I am fine. Just very busy.

I am so sorry you are struggling. You are doing this to save your life! Look for the Cardinals, they are there. Now, when I see one I think of you! We can do this one day at a time!

Hang in there, I will pray for you!

Oh Cheryl! i am so happy to hear from you. I was afraid you were hiding like me. It's a very dark and scary place and I'm glad I'm back. Feel better for it already!

Maybe if I open my curtains and blinds, I'll see a cardinal! How pathetic I've become. I promise I will try harder, i do feel better. I actually have to go out today and go to doc here in about 45 mins.

You can email me to at pbs8218@gmail.com and we can exchange.

I am soooo happy you're back, you have been so important for me through this process! Love ya peg

[icandoitin08]

Originally Posted by pbs8218

Oh Cheryl! i am so happy to hear from you. I was afraid you were hiding like me. It's a very dark and scary place and I'm glad I'm back. Feel better for it already!

Maybe if I open my curtains and blinds, I'll see a cardinal! How pathetic I've become. I promise I will try harder, i do feel better. I actually have to go out today and go to doc here in about 45 mins.

You can email me to at pbs8218@gmail.com and we can exchange.

I am soooo happy you're back, you have been so important for me through this process! Love ya peg

Love ya too Peg! I feel bad that were were both gone for a while. We are not going to let that happen again! Getting out will get your blood flowing! Walking helps too, LOL!!!! just had to throw that in there!

I am going to send you a quick e mail

[pbs8218]

Where the he** are you? You ask where I went, then you disappear. What the he** is that?

[money_chick]

Whats the doc say?

[pbs8218]

Originally Posted by money_chick

Whats the doc say?

Do you watch True Blood on HBO? I swear my docs one of them. More blood, more tests. Scheduling upper and lower scope-what fun that will be! In the meantime, my numbers with b-12 and iron are dropping like a rock. Who knows. I'm an addict, I want everything NOW! It'll take time I guess, I have lots of stomach probs, thinks i'm bleeding internally (thinking ulcer?). losing blood somewhere he suspects, I'll tell him where it's going, right in there little tubes they keep sticking in my arm every week. Jeez, I could tell him that and not pay a penny. Just kidding, it could be serious, so I'll just do what they say. Email me your email, other things just don't want to post if you want. Thanks for asking and caring. By the way, how you feeling this afternoon? peg (pbs8218@gmail.com)

[pbs8218]

and have you heard from lilbri?

[pbs8218]

Originally Posted by icandoitin08

Love ya too Peg! I feel bad that were were both gone for a while. We are not going to let that happen again! Getting out will get your blood flowing! Walking helps too, LOL!!!! just had to throw that in there!

I am going to send you a quick e mail

You and that walking!!! I wished you lived near me so I could make you walk with me. Always fun when you have a friend to walk with! Check your email. Love ya peg

[lilbri]

Ok i have been on perc's for the last two week's. Rx says 4 a day i take 6. I am sorry if i let you down Robert and Melinda but i go for my third and last back surgery in 11 day's.I am not ashamed because my back was killing me. My ability to do enything physical was next to nill.That is why i didn't return your e-mails Peg because you were trying to stop and i was starting on them again.And i would have tould you about it. By the way it took about a month for the depression and anxiety to go away trouble is the pain did not. Now Robert do you think i will have as mutch trouble this time as i had the last time stopping. Mabey not with jus't perc's. Once again sorry if i let all you guy's and girl's down. Brian

[Robert_325]

Brian ... sometimes we have to take pain meds. It's pretty difficult to do a back surgery without meds. Just be really careful. I have to admit that it concerns me with you taking more than prescribed already. But only you know how badly you hurt. You will only become addicted again if you take too many or if you take them longer than you're supposed to. God bless.

[pbs8218]

Originally Posted by lilbri

Ok i have been on perc's for the last two week's. Rx says 4 a day i take 6. I am sorry if i let you down Robert and Melinda but i go for my third and last back surgery in 11 day's.I am not ashamed because my back was killing me. My ability to do enything physical was next to nill.That is why i didn't return your e-mails Peg because you were trying to stop and i was starting on them again.And i would have tould you about it. By the way it took about a month for the depression and anxiety to go away trouble is the pain did not. Now Robert do you think i will have as mutch trouble this time as i had the last time stopping. Mabey not with jus't perc's. Once again sorry if i let all you guy's and girl's down. Brian

Bri-sent you email. Im not using anymore, don't ever use that as an excuse to disappear. Peg

[melinda7.5]

Originally Posted by lilbri

Ok i have been on perc's for the last two week's. Rx says 4 a day i take 6. I am sorry if i let you down Robert and Melinda but i go for my third and last back surgery in 11 day's.I am not ashamed because my back was killing me. My ability to do enything physical was next to nill.That is why i didn't return your e-mails Peg because you were trying to stop and i was starting on them again.And i would have tould you about it. By the way it took about a month for the depression and anxiety to go away trouble is the pain did not. Now Robert do you think i will have as mutch trouble this time as i had the last time stopping. Mabey not with jus't perc's. Once again sorry if i let all you guy's and girl's down. Brian

Hi Brian
I will have to tell you I wanted to cry when I read what you have to go through.and I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could tell us.Your my bud,No one will ever go through together what we did.It just kind of makes you bond...
I understand about the pain,But I just cant put one of those pills in my mouth,,I would have a panic attack.That is about the only thing these days that would do it.Brian Please just be careful and don't take to many...
And don't just leave here.if you hang around maybe it will help you keep things in check...
Please keep in touch...
I will talk to you soon,Melinda

[money_chick]

Originally Posted by lilbri

Ok i have been on perc's for the last two week's. Rx says 4 a day i take 6. I am sorry if i let you down Robert and Melinda but i go for my third and last back surgery in 11 day's.I am not ashamed because my back was killing me. My ability to do enything physical was next to nill.That is why i didn't return your e-mails Peg because you were trying to stop and i was starting on them again.And i would have tould you about it. By the way it took about a month for the depression and anxiety to go away trouble is the pain did not. Now Robert do you think i will have as mutch trouble this time as i had the last time stopping. Mabey not with jus't perc's. Once again sorry if i let all you guy's and girl's down. Brian

Brian,

Now you know I did the same thing. Why havent you said something? Sometimes we do what we have to do- and you are having surgery of course they'll be needed. But, if you hide and run from your support, it WILL get out of hand. Trust me, I know.

Thats why as soon as I had to go back on them, I came and made myself accountable to y'all. Its the way you have to do this, man. I know you've been hurting, and I have really been worried about you.

Don't keep things from us. You need ppl to talk to.. if not on the board, email someone. Be truthful though, always, above all else with your use.

It saved me from relapse this time. I had a script for 60 opana 20 mg. I could have gone off on a hell of a relapse, for the 10th time. But I didnt- cause I stayed on top of it and opened up with everyone.

Its hard and I know it. But we are here for you, whether you have to take the pills or not!

[OXYmom]

Originally Posted by lilbri

Ok i have been on perc's for the last two week's. Rx says 4 a day i take 6. I am sorry if i let you down Robert and Melinda but i go for my third and last back surgery in 11 day's.I am not ashamed because my back was killing me. My ability to do enything physical was next to nill.That is why i didn't return your e-mails Peg because you were trying to stop and i was starting on them again.And i would have tould you about it. By the way it took about a month for the depression and anxiety to go away trouble is the pain did not. Now Robert do you think i will have as mutch trouble this time as i had the last time stopping. Mabey not with jus't perc's. Once again sorry if i let all you guy's and girl's down. Brian

I have been thinking about you lately and how Melinda and Peggy have really taken to you along with so many others on here. You must really be something to have all these women fawning over you like the Prodigal!

I want you to know that I am struggling with my pain also. I have not taken anything except sub and otc excedin, advil, etc. But, I went to see my sub doc last night and I told her about my issues. I have them compartmentalized into 3 groups. The one that is the worst for me is the joint pain that I am still having from the hips down, mostly in my knees. I hurt so badly that when I get up in the middle of the night, I can hardly get on my feet. The same thing when I get out of the car. And the stairs at my house are torture. She prescribed nuerontin (sp?). We also went up on my citalopram. I don't know what else to do.

I have suffered with these symptoms for many years now. While I as on all the oxys I felt so much beter in part b/c I could not feel as much of my physical pain. I just want to feel better. I am very scared.

Brian, I know you are tough and strong and once your surgery is over and you are feeling better, you will kick the pills. Please don't apologize. I don't think there is anyone on here who would judge you for taking pain pills for legitimate pain. Hang in there. I hope you feel better soon.

[pbs8218]

Originally Posted by OXYmom

I have been thinking about you lately and how Melinda and Peggy have really taken to you along with so many others on here. You must really be something to have all these women fawning over you like the Prodigal!

I want you to know that I am struggling with my pain also. I have not taken anything except sub and otc excedin, advil, etc. But, I went to see my sub doc last night and I told her about my issues. I have them compartmentalized into 3 groups. The one that is the worst for me is the joint pain that I am still having from the hips down, mostly in my knees. I hurt so badly that when I get up in the middle of the night, I can hardly get on my feet. The same thing when I get out of the car. And the stairs at my house are torture. She prescribed nuerontin (sp?). We also went up on my citalopram. I don't know what else to do.

I have suffered with these symptoms for many years now. While I as on all the oxys I felt so much beter in part b/c I could not feel as much of my physical pain. I just want to feel better. I am very scared.

Brian, I know you are tough and strong and once your surgery is over and you are feeling better, you will kick the pills. Please don't apologize. I don't think there is anyone on here who would judge you for taking pain pills for legitimate pain. Hang in there. I hope you feel better soon.

Hi Angie, it's peg I told Brian the same thing in a private email. Funny how all of us are total strangers and yet feel so close to each other, atleast for me. Brian- haven't heard back from you, I hope you're not mad, but i KNOW hiding, and that's what you're doing. THATS what put me in a BAD BAD place, please post, don't go there. I told you, even struggling, there's nothing anyone can do to make me use again. I know people say, "addicts always say that". But I know this as sure as i know i love my family, miss my gma, and the sun comes up and goes down everyday, whether you can see it or not. There's nothing that you can say or not say that's going to stop me from caring whats going on with you, must be that "prodigal" thing, although I think his sense of humor, when he shows it, gets everyone, everytime. I hope you're hanging in there, pain is pain, if you need it you need it, there's nothing wrong with that. when you heal, like i said, you pick your A** back up and start again, and we'll all be here waiting. I care that much. Silly?
Angie, I am sorry for your pain, although isnt what the doc recently prescribed kind of heavy? my d.o.c. was percs/vics, that was about it. But if I remember, is it slow release or a patch? Ask Robert. Good Luck Peg

[melinda7.5]

Hi Peggy
Are you feeling better today..I have just been thinking about you.
And wondering how you are doing...
Talk to you soon,Melinda

[pbs8218]

Originally Posted by melinda7.5

Hi Peggy
Are you feeling better today..I have just been thinking about you.
And wondering how you are doing...
Talk to you soon,Melinda

Hi melinda, I'm fine, rough day, not because of all this, but I normally take 150 mgs of zoloft and I hadn't in almost a week. Doc gave me new script and I should have taken 50 to start, but took 100 mg. and it made me sick as a dog all night last night and today. I didn't sleep at all, headache, sick to my stomach, dizzy, jeez I had it worse than physical w/ds! It's lightening up finally. Just hoping I can sleep tonight. I'll shoot you an email tomorrow. Thanks. Peg

[SoMuchToBeCleanFor]

Peggy,
Hey! Hope you're doing okay with what little sleep you had.

You should start a new thread because this one makes me sad everytime I read the subject line. I know it's going to get better. For both of us. For all of us on here.

Sorry I've been so busy lately. I haven't felt much like talking due to the court stuff. I had been really down about it all week until last night, just trying not to think of it because I had no idea what to expect or what to do. Once I talked to the lawyer, I felt so empowered and so much better. I actually think I had an endorphine rush last night, like I haven't in years. I laughed so much my stomach and head hurt, but I didn't care. I remembered why I fell in love with my fiance (which happened when I was sober, btw) and had an amazing time with him. We're all going to come out of this with a vengeance. Hang in there.

I should get back to work. Both of the kids are actually napping today though! (that never happens) Have a great afternoon. Thinking of you.

[lilbri]

Im not hiding im lurking. I just don't have enything to say right now.And don't start bad mouthing me or ill hunt you down and give you a good spanking. Brian

[lilbri]

By the way OXYmom what is nuerontin. Brian.