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Prepped for a Jump and got a Push instead
  1. #1
    willow22 is offline Member
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    Default Prepped for a Jump and got a Push instead

    Hi,
    I'm new. Like everyone, scared out of my freakin' mind. Less than 24 hours to my chosen start day. My mind is reeling trying to take in all that's happened in the past 7 days. I vacillate between wanting my screwed up life to just end and wanting to overcome & start life new.

    Reading others' stories here for weeks now...there are so many of us. I think a lot about & pray for each & every one of us. And hope that someone will hold my hand. Maybe I can hold some hands. I might be a screwed up mess, but the pills haven't taken away feeling empathy for others.

    I'm 53 yrs old. I am shy & quiet in real life, but when I write, things just spill out...it goes long, hopefully not droning boring.

    I was injured in a car accident 20 yrs ago. Add a fluke mishap and my spine parts are like a derailed train, all zig zagged, disconnected, fractured or protruding...from cervical to lower lumbar. As the pain grew so did my tolerance and usage, in 1/4 pill increments. I'm at 110 mg hydro per day. On an every 4 to 5 hour schedule. If I switch to Oxycontin it's 60mg total, 3 20mg timed release tabs per day.

    A side story and warning for those of you getting pills through scripts. All that time I've been getting scripts from 2 docs filled at 3 pharmacies. (There was rational for that back when this all started, but it's worthless really.) Lortab 7.5 & Oxy 20mg from my primary, Lorcet 10's from my neuro for chronic migraines. Injury limitations aside, mentally I have been fully functional. I think.

    Fast forward to a month ago. Things have gone electronic since back then. I figured it was a matter of when, not if, I was called out. An eager new young pharmacist triggered it all. Last week a Sr pharmacist approached me with a printout of all my meds from all 3 pharmacies. Ain't the internet grand? He says he'll only fill it if he calls my primary doc (Oxy & Ltab) to get the OK. Knowing no OK will come, & I'm busted, I say no thanks, I prefer to speak to him myself. I meant it, but he didn't believe it I'm sure. That was last Wed. Took me till Friday morning to get up nerve to call my doc for an appt. Got in this past Monday. So nervous and scared, I think I'm going to keel over from a heart attack before I get to even tell him. Here's the thing; I like & respect my doc a lot. I see him regularly and can talk to him about anything, we get along well, have a good rapport. I broke his trust & it felt as bad as being busted. So I started with an apology, and asked him to forgive me. I meant every word. Then told him I'm in trouble with my meds, and asked him if he would help me. (I'm terrified both of what's coming & that he's going to be so po'd he'll kick me out of his office for good.) He listens calmly, then tells me he already knows, the pharmacist called him last week anyway. I tell him I really wanted him to hear it from me first. He asked questions calmly. Looked at my paper with my current dose and how I slowly tapered over the past month. I'm mentally preparing for a long taper and jump later in summer. And with two hands he pushed. Saying 'no more for narcotics for you ever again'. Guess I landed myself as a red flag on a statewide database. Me, the woman that lives an average life, never in legal trouble, hears him say phrases like "drug database" and "DEA" and "risk my license". What I gathered from that blur is I'm now & forever being watched, and he, my other doc or any doc risk losing their license if they give me anymore. I never wanted to hurt him like that. Nor the neuro. God, the extreme places these pills take us...

    Anyway, if you're still with me, bless you. I have a script from him for clonidine. I am bracing for the next 3:30 a.m. when I wake up in pain & am craving hydro. I pray this is going to be ok. I've not taken Oxy for 10 days. I figure it's out of my system, masked by the 110mg of hydro daily. I pray it won't be a hellish landing from that high a leap? Tho I'll have 8 Lorcet 10's left, that's not even a days worth for me. No point tapering?

    I'm trying to get the last of what I need from the Thomas recipe. I can't find L-Tyrosine.
    Kind of twisted, but some humor you all might get. Gathering things at a local health food chain, the woman helping me was looking for L-Tyrosine, a manager overheard her and said "What's it for?" I didn't answer, but the Mgr continued anyway. She has it on order but too late for me. But then she says mostly to herself "What's with the L-Tyro trend lately? I don't know what people are using it for, but I can't keep it on the shelves..." I bet I know what a lot of it is going for. But say nothing as I try to hide the smile her comment sparks in me. Tho not funny at all, it strikes me as oddly humorous, in a sick-puppy kind of way.

    If you've read this far & not fallen asleep, humble thanks to all here who freely give their time to help and sincere wishes for healing for all of us.
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  2. #2
    deleted116 is offline Member
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    Willow, wow, that is a scary dose of reality that you got there. That must have been so surreal, being confronted by the pharmacist and hearing the Dr. say those things. Yes, we all have rational reasons for our behaviors at the time, but when confronted with them they all go out the window.

    What you have ahead of you isn't fun, but it is do-able. As far as the 8 pills you have left, it wouldn't be much of a taper at all. But I would decide now whether to take them or flush them. Because guarantee if you have them in the house when you are in the midst of the WD, you'll take them then anyways. I had luck finding the L-Tyrosine at GNC. Along with the Thomas Recipe, drink TONS of water. I found that the days I didn't drink alot I felt worse. Also get ANY kind of exercise/outside time that you can. Even if it's just walking slowly around your block. And listen to whatever music you like. Music is like a life raft in the first days.

    I'm on Day 78 today, and I can tell you it does get better. Much better. But you have to push through feeling horrible to get to the next phases in this whole process. In those first days I just pushed to make it to every 12 hour milestone, and I celebrated that in my head. Even if I didn't feel better, I knew that I was getting better. Every hour away from the pills I was healing. I thought the pills allowed me to function in my life, and I was so wrong. They were holding me hostage. I'm a much better person without them, I really am. But I didn't necessarily think that on Day 2, or 5, or 13. So you have to allow this process to take hold. When I was at about Day 21, I read someone write that Days 30-60 felt so different than Days 1-30. It really motivated me to keep going and see what it felt like.

    As addicts, we think that being clean will feel like what it feels to be without pills. As addicts we hardly every make it without pills past Days 1, 2 or 3 before going back. So at least in my mind, I thought that's how I would always feel. I knew rationally that physically I would get better. But that low motivation/depression feeling that you have in the beginning? Ya, I thought that would always be there. It isn't! It goes away and life comes back in it's place.

    You were given a scary wake up call, and now it's time to change things. Up until now you've been getting your pills through scripts. While using different pharmacies, it's still alot easier to call in a script than getting them off the street. Believe me when I say you DO NOT want to go down that route. It's a great way to drain every penny you have, and spend all your time setting things up and "waiting for people to come through".

    Do this now and get your life back. Just submit to not feeling great for about a week, and things WILL get better...

  3. #3
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Willow, Welcome to the forum.... Yep, been there done that... I was standing in front of a pharmacy counter calmly waiting for my script when 4 cops came rushing in to question me... Never had so much as a ticket.. But, you need to heed the warning you are getting and commit to your mission of getting rid of the pills for good. My hope is you do just that and not what I did.. I went home (with the script by the way) gobbled them up, got myself out of the jam I was in and then proceeded to continue to use... Very stupid on my part and did not end well for me. When I did get clean, I did it withou benzos' and just toughed it out for a week or so and just realized that the biggest Ally I could haveis my attitude and no quit mentality. So, post... post often, use this as your journal and people will come on with support. There are a ton of great people on here, so take advantage of the good they bring to the table. All my best, Reid
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  4. #4
    willow22 is offline Member
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    Congrats moon! 78 days, what an accomplishment! That seems a lifetime away to me. Tho that amount of time will come and go no matter what, it's up to me what I do with it. I want to be on the other side so bad. I couldn't even go on a little trip without scheduling it around my meds, so I would have enough. A prison...

    And thank you. You filled in a lot of my thoughts for me. Surreal, yes. Very. And so demoralizing and degrading. There's more to the pharmacy story, but I'll condense it. Let's just say HIPAA didn't exist and anyone out in the clinic hallway could hear tho Sr Pharmacist was feet from me. Felt like someone was there, glanced over my shoulder, and the older woman customer behind me was relishing every minute. She was eagerly listening with a grin like she was getting the juiciest bit of gossip ever. Then she butted in. And the young pharmacist & tech (also very loud)...I would've sworn they were seconds short of high-fiving each other. Doc visit was equally surreal though not degrading, he was so good to me. Despite that, I still have to own this.

    I'm heading out now to get the rest of what I need. I have Immodium, lots of 'smart' water, some pedialyte drinks and their Popsicle mix. The anxiety is probably my worst fear. I'm the driven but high-strung type. Prone to anxiety. It's been years since I had one. After my mom passed I could feel attacks trying to come but I guess the xanax stopped them. ( I was also prescribed xanax all those years. 2 mg/day.) That's not been a problem that went out of control. But I figure that's next to pose a problem, or at least has a high probability once pain meds are gone. And I want ending that to be voluntarily on my part. I just want to get off the pain meds first. I don't even know if I'm being watched for that now, it was the only script I had from one doctor that I used as directed. Guess I better find out. I'm supposed to see my doc in a week.

    I can't work out like I used to love to do because of my back. But I can swim at the health club. It's very difficult to be stressed or agitated when I'm wiped out from an hour swim. So I hope I can get back soon for that. But yes, we have nice weather now, so I'll push to be active outside, I love it outdoors. Even if I have to do laps around my yard at first.

    I wish I knew what to expect. I know the leftover pills have to go. I fully expect the worst & pray. I envision terrible things. So long ago I saw a documentary about people kicking >>>>>> c/t, nothing was left to the imagination. That image has never left my mind. Yet what do I do? Keep increasing my own dose. What an idiot I've been all these years.

    In going through my late mom's things, I found a little bag of mustard seeds recently. I took them out of my purse early this morning, and pondered on how tiny they are. Smaller than a teardrop. I think of the rivers of teardrops that have run down my own cheeks, and remembered the scripture "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move...". As I face my own mountain, where freedom lies on the other side, it occurs to me He asks so little, why can't I trade in the tears for a mustard seed's worth of faith in Him? I don't know, but I will try, and will carry that little bag of seeds with me on this journey...

    Thanks so much for being here, it means so much!
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  5. #5
    willow22 is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by caughtagain View Post
    Willow, Welcome to the forum.... Yep, been there done that... I was standing in front of a pharmacy counter calmly waiting for my script when 4 cops came rushing in to question me... Never had so much as a ticket.. But, you need to heed the warning you are getting and commit to your mission of getting rid of the pills for good. My hope is you do just that and not what I did.. I went home (with the script by the way) gobbled them up, got myself out of the jam I was in and then proceeded to continue to use... Very stupid on my part and did not end well for me. When I did get clean, I did it withou benzos' and just toughed it out for a week or so and just realized that the biggest Ally I could haveis my attitude and no quit mentality. So, post... post often, use this as your journal and people will come on with support. There are a ton of great people on here, so take advantage of the good they bring to the table. All my best, Reid
    Thank you Reid, I missed your post while I was typing. That must have been a horrible experience for you. If that had happened I don't know what I'd have done.

    I will keep posting, you guys are all I have for now, and I'm so grateful. I know there are others out there doing the same thing. I generally don't get so public online, but I kind of hope anyone reading who recognizes themselves will take heed.

  6. #6
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    What to expect??...... A bad flu... for 5 days... What you will notice though is that after all is said and done. Those Advil that we would SWEAR would not help, really do... I worked everyday during my detox and was fine(felt like poo but made it). Also, you mentioned swimming... Whatever cradio/ excercise you can do, that will help.. Remember, your body is not producing those endorphins because they have not had to for so long. Therefore, you need to get them pumping again... We will stick with you~! As far as my cop experience? Yeah, I was scared out of my mind, sadly the hold opiates had on me was much stronger than my fear or prosecution for doctor shopping... If that would have happened to me today (these times)... I would have been done.. The detective gave me another shot so to speak.... Also, I hear you with resepct to telling the cyber world about my life... Almost three years ago, I came on here and read for a while... I then registered and have never left.... I have made a new family here... Some great people who "get it". No one in my outside life would get it.... however, many more people are starting too because of how bad it is getting out there.. ie the news... Anyway, Welcome!
    Last edited by caughtagain; 05-02-2012 at 01:09 PM.

  7. #7
    SuzieOf is offline Member
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    Hi Willow,

    Just wanted to let you know that I was also in your position and ten years older to boot. Don't let your fears run away with you and think of it like a 5 day flu. Anyone can get through a 5 day flu and suddenly you will wake up and feel better and you will have turned a corner and after that each day gets better and better. Just want to mention that for me a hot bath was my best friend because while my body was aching as soon as I got into a hot bath it totally went away. There were days that I took 5 baths and just lay there and soak and feel so much gratitude for the hot water. Also, it might be a good thing, might be your guardian angel looking out for you that the store was out of the L-Tyrosine because I have read that for people who are prone to anxiety it can make it worse until after you come out on the other side. It gives you energy and even though it is a natural product I imagine being sick with the flu and then drinking a bunch of coffee or energy drinks I could see how it could increase anxiety. You can do this and after you will be so proud of how strong you are!!

    p.s. you were very wise to stop the oxy when you did and I have read a ton of posts here from people who quit hydro's and by day 5 they were feeling a lot of relief.
    Last edited by SuzieOf; 05-02-2012 at 02:32 PM.

  8. #8
    Restlessly is offline Member
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    We always think no one sees, or notices. Im sorry you had to face that at the pharmacy and then with your doctor. I'll say a prayer..you CAN do this.

    Stand strong

  9. #9
    willow22 is offline Member
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    Hi caughtagain and Suzie,
    Wow, I'm so glad you both posted as well. My fears are running rampant. caughtagain, that's amazing to me that you worked, and it helps to hear it. I found some nice bath pillows at Bed Bath & Beyond, so I can at least soak in the tub, haven't done that in years because of my back. And thanks for the heads up on the L-Tryosine Suzie, I'll probably hold off on that one.

    I'm going to try to get a little sleep now. *deep breath*

    Edit: Restlessly, I missed your post. (Wonky browser today.) Thank you for the kind thoughts & support.
    Last edited by willow22; 05-02-2012 at 08:38 PM.

  10. #10
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Willow, Good morning... Just checking in to see how you are today? Remember, these first days it is all about treating the symptons and taking time as you need to. Sometimes it feels as though you are going to need to take second by second, but don't worry you will get normalcy back. All you have to do is keep making the next right decision in this process. Check in and let us know how you are... Reid
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  11. #11
    NoMoreOxy is offline Senior Member
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    Hello Willow. Luckily, you are taking hydro, which is one of the easier pills to WD from. I promise, you will feel better in 5 days. Day 2 will suck. Day 3 WILL suck. Day 4 might suck. Day 5 you will feel better. L-tyrosine is definitely not necessary for the journey you are about to embark on. I used it once and it made me feel uncomfortably edgy.

    I'm clean now for the third time and feel great! I still do have mental cravings, but the physical is gone completely. I sleep 8 hours a night and my last use was exactly 14 days ago. You can do this!

    Here is what I experienced jumping from 90-120mg a day of extended Oxy use.

    - Day 1-3: felt terrible (stuffed up nose, RLS, anxiety, just couldn't get comfortable, sat there rocking back and forth at my computer)
    - Day 4: Started to feel better
    - Day 5-6: Feeling better and better. Still had minor residual WD (stuffed up nose, sneezing!, RLS)
    - Day 7-10: Minor RLS and a little anxious at night only. Felt a little post-WD depression. This only lasted a couple of days for me.
    - Day 11-14: No more physical WD! Post-WD depression is gone! I Feel normal except for some cravings.

    For RLS, keep the potassium and multivitamin on hand. They REALLY helped me!

    Keep going. It will all be over soon!

    NMO
    Last edited by NoMoreOxy; 05-03-2012 at 08:36 AM.
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  12. #12
    willow22 is offline Member
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    Me checking in. You all are the best. I started reading other sites this morning. Had to stop, felt like it might be messing with my head a little. I'll stay here, it feels safer.

    So far I've missed two doses. I'm trying to turn that thought around in my brain that I've conquered these 11 hrs 45 min without them, rather that 'missing' them.

    I had my high protein Kashi Cereal & banana early + vitamins. Craving chocolate so had some. Drinking water a lot, it has electrolytes. Have had my normal dose of Xanax today. Probably will need a booster later. Doc said take clonodine as soon as craving hits. Been resisting it but probably will take it next hour or so, 1:00 is when I'd normally have the 3rd dose.

    Hope to sleep. I haven't slept through the night in a year 1/2. Figure my body can use the extra.

    In the past hour my stomach can't decide what it wants to do. It was burning, then I felt nauseous, then holy cow am I going to need Imodium already, then it seemed to be settling down, now it's repeating that cycle. I bought all soft food & fresh sweet fruits, antioxidants. Forgot soup. Bummer.

    I don't want to give TMI, but I would like to be able to look back someday & see this for what it was. Suspect otherwise it will be a blur.
    Didn't proofread this. Hey, it's 12 hrs on the dot.
    Thanks you guys...

  13. #13
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    put as much here on here as you can... 3 years ago I started writing on here and have not stopped... It is a good way to get some thoughts out as you go through your own journey. Plus, others will read and learn as well. You will make it... half the battle it attitude and yours is where it needs to be. Just stick with it and keep doing the next right thing. We are rooting for you. Remember.... first 5 days just focus on treating those symptoms.. and that is it... You will have plenty of time to deal with any other issues in life later... Sometimes when people start to get clean, their mind just starts going a mile a minute and they take the moments of clarity and try to do too much... instead, just deal with the present. After the first 5 days, you can start to take on stuff... All my best, Reid

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    willow22 is offline Member
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    Thanks Reid. I'm still hanging in, heading toward the end stretch of Day 2. Woke up this morning feel good. Real good, better than yesterday. Midmorning that flopped around. Legs felt like lead, arms felt floaty, as if surrounded by those air casts. Worst long wave of craving and a spot of tears out of nowhere. Clonidine is helping but this morning just seemed a bit stronger than it was. It scared me. I went and sat outside for awhile, it's nice out. Wished I could walk around the yard but not yet, feeling woosy and dragging lead legs. Finally that wave subsided after about 90 minutes. I was able to eat some lunch, slept all afternoon. I'll take it, have felt sleep deprived for so long now. My stomach is still burning a little, churning a little, nothing terrible, seems better than yesterday in that way.

    I love to watch storms roll in, and stay out till the last possible minute. We had a big one roll through last night. I sat there watching the sky, and the strongest scent of rain coming hit me. I haven't smelled that in so long. Can pain meds numb your sense of smell like that? What a thing to miss out on. That smell that brings cleansing & replenishing to nature seemed sort of symbolic in a way.

    Holding to the mustard seed too, and hoping this crests soon, though I do wonder at times if lucid life is going to come rushing at me at a million miles an hour.

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    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Hang in there, your doing great! Just need to understand what you are going through and it helps you deal with it.... As far as the Tears and emotions all over the place... Perfectly normal.. I remember crying at Commercials.. Ha... THis too shall pass... As those waves come, tell yourself that. Believe it because it is true. You are doing it and soon you will reap the rewards of not using! All my best, Reid

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    willow22 is offline Member
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    I have to tell you, Reid, it's a comfort seeing you've been here whenever I come to post. Not so alone. Still going. Day 3. Had to smile at crying at commercials, watched a Ghettysburg special on History this morning, tears again for me. Up last nice some with a burning churning stomach, the almost gonna hurl kind, but was ok. Aaaand this morning had to break out the Immodium. My mind is amazingly clear. I hope it's not a replay of yesterday, had to say a 'help me Jesus' or two to get over that bad crave wave. But I'll just cling tight if it comes again.

    Really weird thing... All that pain that I needed meds for? And it was very real pain. I haven't had so much as a Tylenol since Day 1, don't feel a need. That blows my mind.
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  17. #17
    NoMoreOxy is offline Senior Member
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    Hello Willow. Great work. You are progressing nicely. You will feel better soon. One thing to watch for in the next few days is a bit of depression. This is total normal and has happened to me every time I quite (3 times now ). Motivation is low and you just feel blah. Keep at it and you will be feeling normal very soon!

    Great work!!!

    NMO

  18. #18
    GiGiLee58 is offline Junior Member
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    Hello Willow,
    I just found this site a few days ago, and started my taper from Vics. 5 years, and I got up to 20 (10/500) a day. Sometimes a few less, some days a few more. I , for whatever reason, decided a taper ( starting at down to 12 per day), would be best for me than going CT, I'm too skiddish for that, plus I do suffer from panic attacks, so taper I go.. Only on day 2, actually just finishing up day 2 . Went ok, felt a bit jittery at times, usually the closer I get to my dosage time. Guess that's fairly normal. I read your first post a couple of times, and I am so proud of you. You must have been so scared when that happened, and I do understand the embarrassment. But you sure are on the road to recovery. I'm all with you. It takes courage, strength, and fortitude, and just pure desire to be YOU again... That's how I feel.. Can't wait to FIND ME again.... I was very scared when I finally decided, I HAVE HAD IT with these vics. All I thought about all day long was when I could take my next dose, I was ( still am I guess) a clock watcher. I knew I was in trouble when I stopped taking as prescribed..... "Just one more per dose, then 2 more per dose..... The other night, I went browsing online, and came upon this site, I think I started out by going to the Mayoclinic.com site, just checking on different meds I take, and I don't actually recall how I got here, but I feel like this site is saving my life too. I have read so many posts since that night, ....I stayed up all night just reading and relating. I didn't feel alone, just like you said, you feel the hand across the miles hanging on to yours, and just "getting it" That's HUGE !! So, sorry I to ramble, LOL, coming here and just dumping feels so good. I stay focused, and culpable that way.... All the best to you Willow, hope you have the time, and strength , ( lol) to read this. I hope to hear from you... Stay your course, as will I.... bless you, Gigi

  19. #19
    willow22 is offline Member
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    Forgive misspellings or anything that sounds remotely like nonsense, feeling...exhausted. Not the kind from good physical work, but in that anemic sort of way. So weird, yesterday afternoon I was feeling like the worst was behind me. Joke was on me. Stomach is not 100% but so much better today. No immodium needed. Still I just want ice-cold sweets, not much of an appetite. Try to eat better, I'll be sick of scrambled eggs, cinnamon toast & grilled cheese by the time this is over. I slept well last night, only woke up once for an hour about midnight, slept till 4 which is when I like to wake up in warm weather, best time of the day outside. But I woke anxious. I watched a favorite Jane Austen movie, it always soothes me, took a hot bath because the emotions were growing. Agitated is the best description. Not like I woke up the few days before this feeling good. Put on yoga pants & tee, dried my bangs, and quit at that point in fatigue. Beats another day in pj's tho. It felt a small but significant achievement. My legs as of this morning are back to lead. Thought I climbed that hill, already. I've tried to get outside and just sit as many times as I can, but that short distance is really tiring. I don't know if that's normal or a side-effect of clonidine.

    NMO, thank you, thank you for posting that. You gave me something concrete to hold onto. Today has been rough. Bad cravings that come in hours long waves. A lot of 'help me, Jesus' moments. Twice I've hung on just waiting till the next 4 hour clonidine dose to take the bite out of some of it. It's also been equally rough feeling a lot of raw emotion. Felt so alone inside, and like my head is doing I don't know what - . messing with me? Tears, fears, worries, the "whys" of my past and the "what's to be/come" of the future, all rolling around in my brain. Mourning a mom I was close to and lost just over a year ago...I thought I was doing ok with that...but it came back, like a punch in the gut. Maybe it's mother's day coming, maybe it was being in a med fog when I thought I was getting through the grieving. Sheesh, I dunno...

    I hope tomorrow is better. It's not fun, but the worst fears I had when I started this thread haven't materialized. So that's a good thing. I'm supposed to see the doctor to check in tomorrow. By his calendar I should be at day 7. I stalled a couple days before jumping tho, so the worst 'middle' days would land on the weekend & I wouldn't be alone in the house as much. Will see how I feel I guess, at least the appt is later in the day.

    Gigi, nice to meet you You hang in there girl. You can do it. I read for hours here before joining. It helps. Too hard to read other threads right now, tho *feeble chuckle* I'm writing this down so I can look back and remember it sharply, that seems to be something that's a need inside. I hope it can help someone else, too. This is a very scary journey, but the alternative is a prison. I don't want to be a prisoner anymore. Like you, I lived by the clock (that part consumed a lot of my thoughts today). I scheduled trips & vacations around my refill dates. (Writing that just brought on a quick smack of reality & I'm shaking my head in disbelief. One positive thought I hang onto is that I won't have to do that anymore.) If it makes you feel better, I've not had a panic attack yet. I think the bigger problem is fear of having them. (I know you get that part.) The xanax is probably working there, but I have given it a lot of thought. Didn't overuse it like pain meds but in my mind the xanax is a separate prison I need out of. I'm tired of it all. I don't want to think of it yet, one hurdle at a time. Lord, I'm rambling, I just know it. w/d makes me talkative, have to get this stuff out of my head somehow. Had more to say to you Gigi, but need a little more time to lose these Bambi legs and get myself held up steady.

    Oh well, those are my rambling thoughts in the last stretch of day 4. It took me over an hour to type this. Wiped out. I hope it gets better soon. I keep counting days, checking them off mentally. I pray those cravings ease up? They're scary. I can handle the physical stuff, it's the emotional that is harder for me, but I'm deeply grateful to know others get it. Thanks you guys so very much.

  20. #20
    willow22 is offline Member
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    Wow, that was a flippin' novel I wrote.

  21. #21
    Restlessly is offline Member
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    Hang on Willow......you've come too far to turn back now. We're all here for ya. (at least I am, I dont mean to speak for anyone else)

    Stand strong huni

  22. #22
    Restlessly is offline Member
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    Willow.....you ok huni??

  23. #23
    willow22 is offline Member
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    Hi Restlessly, yes, I am, thanks for checking. Day 5 winding down. This morning felt like day 4 morning only less. Emotions not as rocky. Tho that legs of lead fatigue hit pretty hard mid-morning. Walking upstairs I had to sit in a chair and give it a couple minutes. Took me two hours to get ready for that doctor appt. Bath to cut the jitters, exhausted. Find something to wear, exhausted. Slapped my hair up in a pony tail, exhausted. I dreaded going out feeling like that. Thankfully DH got home early cause there's no way those lead legs could make a car go anywhere. Then it felt good to get out, despite the grey skies & rain.

    Appt went ok. Take clonidine 2 more days, then taper down, use as needed if a craving hits. I mentioned how I've been feeling emotionally & left loaded up with Cymbalta samples. Take 2 weeks, see him again. Only I read up on it a little, thought some, and personally feel it might not be giving my brain a fair shake to dive into that so soon. I won't know a med side effect from a w/d side effect, if that makes sense. I have this yearning to see what my brain will be like on it's own for awhile. Because when leaving, something changed again. For the better. Inside my head felt good, my legs began to feel lighter, I wasn't so drained. So strange how this rolls...in waves...and I never know what way the ebb and flow is going to go. But when it goes in my favor, it feels good. No fuzzy environment, no sluggish brain, not elated, just good. I forgot what that felt like. It's gratifying.

    Appetite kicked in on ride home. Didn't quite trust that, stomach isn't quite ready for a burger so I settled for ice cream. Only I didn't have much because the minute I got home & curled up on the couch Chills hit. Not had them like that, it felt like a bitter winter day, frozen toes & all, but in 60's weather. Put on heavy socks, piled on 2 puffy quilts, a blanket, and sweater on top (bassackwards not wearing the sweater, but I was too chilled to move.) Got toasty warm, it was 4 by then, and I slept pretty much till now, except for a brief break trying to eat supper. Back to not much of an appetite, but the sleep felt wonderful.

    If you've read this far, it feels like I've hit a turning point. Out of the shadows into the light a bit. Slow it goes, always vigilant, because this is tricky this ride. I see how it plays with the physical, that's more tangible somehow. Can't see how it plays with the mental & emotional so readily, and that's the part to be strong for. So it's broken down into hours & even moments. But right now, in this wee early hour of Day 6, I feel OK, and I'll take that.

  24. #24
    ClassiqueMom is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by NoMoreOxy View Post
    Hello Willow. Great work. You are progressing nicely. You will feel better soon. One thing to watch for in the next few days is a bit of depression. This is total normal and has happened to me every time I quite (3 times now ). Motivation is low and you just feel blah. Keep at it and you will be feeling normal very soon!

    Great work!!!

    NMO
    hi nmo.. willow and gigi..

    re: depression..
    just a thought.. maybe? that's where the vitamin B6 comes in??

    i really don't know for sure, but maybe? an all around good multi B vitamin
    might help (if even only a little bit) to get over that depression that comes..

    surely, it comes from the brain (and body) having to re-adjust and start
    working as it was meant to..

    i am a true advocate of good supplements IF one isn't able to get the
    necessary vitamins thru food..

    anyhow.. wanted to wish all of you my best!
    carry on thru another day of healing..
    another day closer to the y-o-u, you were meant to be!

    my thoughts and prayers are with you all!
    Classique MoM
    amac68 likes this.

  25. #25
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Willow, Just wanted to check in and tell you how proud I am of you! Things will settle down and as time goes by, you will find yourself getting back to the old you.. One word of caution and this is just my opinion... Cymbalta... watch it with those... IT messes with your brain chemistry... Just my two cents. I would try good old advil and see how you fare with those before you start jumping back into the meds... All my best, Reid

  26. #26
    willow22 is offline Member
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    Hi CMom, yes I agree. In fact I have stress B complex upstairs but on this journey zoned on taking it. At least I remembered my multi & potassium.

    Thank you Reid. I seriously doubt I'll try the Cymbalta. Certainly not this soon. If it works for others, that's what matters. BTDT 20+ years ago with different AD's to find a 'match' for me. Went through some crazy side effects. I wasn't using pain meds then so know it wasn't anything related to that. Twisted irony there, I was always prone to some side effect of just about anything, yet I load up over time on pain meds.

    Still fighting cravings this morning. Something about mornings...Not bad, but enough to make me a little edgy. Stomach still touchy enough I have to watch what I eat or drink. Am hoping to get up & get something productive done later today. Getting bored, I'm not so good at this laying around. No lead legs yet today, thankfully.

    I have a problem. Today is the first day I've had back pain, radiating into my foot. (That blows my mind, going 5 days now & no back pain to speak of.) Could well be from too much laying & lack of motion. It's the first day I've felt the need to take something. (I'm talking OTC). I don't do Advil well, I have a strong sensitivity to aspirin products that seems to spill over into the NSAID family, but to a lesser degree, so I avoid both. No idea why, but I am really afraid to take a couple Tylenol. I'm afraid it might be a trigger somehow. Is that crazy? If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions on that, I'm listening & grateful.

  27. #27
    freephlyer is offline Junior Member
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    Willow22, congrats to you. This morning starts day 5 for me completely clean of Vicodin. I wanted to add my thoughts on Tylenol as I have been going through similar thoughts on it as you. When I first quit my initial intention was no Tylenol because what I was abusing had Tylenol in it. Two days into w/d and the pain in my feet (of which I suffer from and led me to painkiller addiction) started getting bad. I take 1000mg of Tylenol twice a day since day 2 and much to my surprise it helps a lot. I follow these rules to myself, 1. I only take it when pain is at very high levels, and 2. I only take 2000mg total daily. I have found that taking the Tylenol does not trigger any kind of craving or relapse.

    These are my personal experiences with it. I'm not entirely sure if what I am doing is "the right thing" with the Tylenol, but I know it helps me.

    I wish you the best.

    -cheers

  28. #28
    surfdog is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by willow22 View Post
    Hi CMom, yes I agree. In fact I have stress B complex upstairs but on this journey zoned on taking it. At least I remembered my multi & potassium.

    Thank you Reid. I seriously doubt I'll try the Cymbalta. Certainly not this soon. If it works for others, that's what matters. BTDT 20+ years ago with different AD's to find a 'match' for me. Went through some crazy side effects. I wasn't using pain meds then so know it wasn't anything related to that. Twisted irony there, I was always prone to some side effect of just about anything, yet I load up over time on pain meds.

    Still fighting cravings this morning. Something about mornings...Not bad, but enough to make me a little edgy. Stomach still touchy enough I have to watch what I eat or drink. Am hoping to get up & get something productive done later today. Getting bored, I'm not so good at this laying around. No lead legs yet today, thankfully.

    I have a problem. Today is the first day I've had back pain, radiating into my foot. (That blows my mind, going 5 days now & no back pain to speak of.) Could well be from too much laying & lack of motion. It's the first day I've felt the need to take something. (I'm talking OTC). I don't do Advil well, I have a strong sensitivity to aspirin products that seems to spill over into the NSAID family, but to a lesser degree, so I avoid both. No idea why, but I am really afraid to take a couple Tylenol. I'm afraid it might be a trigger somehow. Is that crazy? If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions on that, I'm listening & grateful.
    Welcome Willow, you have done amazingly well, congrats on the tenacity and grit! The back pain is usually part of wd. When we use opiates to the extext of most of us it really depletes certain chemicals in the brain and takes a while to get back to normal, depression also comes along with wd.
    As weird as this may sound remember the pain, emotional, physical, the embarasment of the pharmacy/doc all of it. Remembering that pain, not wanting to go through it again drives home just how good life is being clean,how much we have to be thankful for. Hang in there you are doing great, anything I can do I will God Bless Surfdog
    HopefulnHouston likes this.

  29. #29
    willow22 is offline Member
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    Thank you surfdog, for the encouragement & kind offer, it's appreciated more than I can put into words.

    And thank you freephlyer. Congrats to you on day 5! Glad to know my Tylenol concerns aren't isolated. Been worried about how I'd deal with any pain that came along. Thought maybe just one Advil, different shape & all that, trick my brain, hopefully no sensitivity issues with it. I don't know what to do...

    I'm getting kind of agitated again. Frustrated I guess.

  30. #30
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Willow... When I started my whole ordeal, I too had legit pain. 13 operations on my ankle Reflec Sympathetic Dystpohy and more "pain" than the normal person could imagine.... Add to that herniation of L-3,4,5 and S-1 with moderate Stenosis and that is a recipe to get what I wanted errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr needed... I also used to have the dreaded Allegy to NSAIDS... HOWEVER, what I found when I got clean was those meds like Advil that I would laugh if perscribed (motrin 800), really did work. So, as pain creeps up and life comes back into the picture understand that those horrible pills we would NEVER think work...... Actually do. I am proud of you Willow.. Keep making the next right decision! REid
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