Prepped for a Jump and got a Push instead

[caughtagain]

Robert..... PLEASE GET OUT OF THE SUN..." you ever hear the old saying... How do you eat an Elephant"... Never heard that one there POTUS... HAHA, made me laugh.. Thanks. Lately i have been thinking about the age old question how long does it take to smash the screen of a new smartphone (See Azul FB)... Apparently the answer is 2 hours.... Anyhoo... Funny post..

[caughtagain]

Robert... this is Chloe WOO.... Stay away from Roxies medicine treated Tennis Balls.. Apparently, they are affecting you.. WOO WOO throw ball Woo...

[Robert_325]

Reid ......... I've been using that elephant deal since I was in my early 20s! I used to tell my salespeople that to explain to them how to achieve goals, just take a little piece of it at a time and in the end you're successful. Been saying that for 40 years! Don't even remember if I came up with that or if I heard it somewhere.

And I AM working on staying out of Roxie's med-treated tennis balls but she takes them into the pool and I think I am soaking up the meds through my skin.

I think that I actually may really need to back off though from the sun a little. Didn't realize it till I saw the pics of my reunion party on my facebook page! Look like I just flew in from Hawaii! LOL I am going to look like I live on the equator by the end of summer! Couldn't believe how dark I am in those facebook pictures, except for the white goat of course and summer has just got here!

[willow22]

Uh guys, kinda sounds like you've both been out in the hot sun too long, lol.

Dying to know the origin of the pup's medicated tennis balls, but am half afraid to ask.
In my sleepless state I will admit to spending some time envisioning (& trying to figure out) Robert's FB pics, with his dark-as Hawaii tan and his pet "white goat" standing next to him in stark contrast. Hah

Day 52. I was so looking forward to Day 50, it felt like it would be a 'good' marker day. Not to be. Between the severely lacking sleep, stress, drama here there and everywhere, the end of this week was the pits. Yesterday I was getting so overwrought (and fighting another stinking hours long craving) I was on the verge of tears & trembly most of the afternoon on. Tried another benadryl for sleep Thurs night. It used to knock me out way back when & help sleep off a migraine, but now it's just not even phasing me. So after asking doc if ok, tried a Melatonin last night. (Oh-so-weird irony there, I've always had a fear & aversion to any product marketed as a sleep aid.) No buzz thankfully, just drifted off to sleep easily, slept soundly till 2:30. Woke up, but not wide awake as usual. Let the dog out, still felt sleepy. Could tell my body wanted to go right back to snoozing but something was fighting it. Tossed & turn till 5, slept till 6:30. I'll try it again tonight. Because not sleeping is really taking a toll. Can't think (brain fog), and feeling frayed inside, like I resemble a cartoon character who just got a good jolt of electricity and every limb & hair on my head is sticking straight out, with nice dark circles under popped out eyes.

Anyway, about managing tasks. Robert, I come from a long line of 'hill people' full of old sayings and I've never heard the elephant saying before either. It's a good one, tho. Love the work-out parallel Reid, you know I can relate to that. So I took both your advice, broke it down Thurs, went smooth as silk and my brain was not whirring. Until mid-afternoon, when an office-run-by-taxpayer-dollars told me for the umpteenth time the wrong paperwork was supplied to me and another do-over with a lot of running was needed. Walked away from it, swam it off. Anyway, I shall utilize the elephant saying & work-out parallel, thank you both. Stamp 'em on my forehead if need be.

I have another problem I could use some guidance with, I just have to take time to choose the right words. Maybe later it will come to me.

toni, please feel free to ask me anything you want. If I can't answer, I'll defer to someone who can. I'm so sorry, I need some time to focus on what you're asking me and think about it. I know that sounds ditzy. My brain feels like mush, like in early w/d days when I'd sit and it would take me a couple hours to type something. (As a matter of fact, I HAVE been sitting here a couple hours, sheesh.) Just a few good night's sleep in a row would do wonders, only that feels like chasing the wind. Oh, before I go, you might be young but not dumb. We all have our unique strengths & weaknesses, but no one is ever dumb. So if you were being serious & not joking around, knock that off! It's self-defeating and you don't deserve that.

[toni.s.]

thx willow. i appreciate u even taking the time to think of a response!

[willow22]

Day 55. The Melatonin effectiveness isn't consistent, but have managed to snag 2 non-consecutive nights of 7 hours and feel oh so different and better already. Consecutive would be good, but I'll take what I can get. That sleep really helped with getting tasks accomplished effectively, step by step.

Having some mild cravings that come and go on occasion, but nothing terrible, even small activity like laundry helps squash 'em.

I'm getting ready to leave on my trip alone, and am having moments of feeling quite nervous about it. Feel like I have to push myself to go. That really bums me out because normally I can't wait to be there, but I'm hoping once I'm actually there things will settle in and be ok. It's just a weird case of nerves and since fear is often bigger than the reality don't want to let that get to me.

On a positive note, had some dysfunctional family drama rear it's head, and instead of letting myself get sucked in I stepped back, waited a bit, and tho it was a delayed reaction, I was able to see the course to take and seized it. Think it shocked my husband, he said "good for you!". Normally on pain pills he'd see me getting all caught up in it, getting all stressed out, often to the point of trembling angry. I just didn't give it that much space in my head this time and it felt pretty good. That's new, hope I can make it last.

Hope everyone is well. SurfDog, if you see this, I think about you and how you're quiet about your physical situation, really hope things are going ok for you?

[willow22]

Ok, I know this is a 'new passing through' of an old routine, as opposed to day to day routine which I'm used to without pain pills now, but dang, packing & gathering stuff is causing some agitation, cravings and thoughts about pills. I haven't traveled without them in...forever..

[caughtagain]

Day 56 Willow! coming on the the 60 day mark and your second pickle chip!!! Proud of you. Reid

[willow22]

Thanks Reid on my phone, so don't see or type as well, ha. I have learned retracing old steps or old routines causes some cravings. Also figure it's all in my head (psychological) given the circumstances of travel & being in a place where pills were diligently monitored, watched, monitored some more while securely locked in luggage. That blows my mind, how much a slave to that routine I was. I have to prove to myself I can do this without pain pills, and that will become the new routine for traveling back home to the country. I'm doing ok, and so far that feels good to conquer fears. I won't look ahead to the whole time Im here. Just take this new conquest in small bits, like all the others so far .

[ClassiqueMom]

hi willow!
you are such! an amazing! person!
you've been strong, and persevering! bless your heart!

you remain in my prayers!
Classique MoM

[willow22]

Hello friends. Day 75 off opiates.
Been awhile since updating my thread. I hope everyone is doing well. Shortly after my last post that wicked storm front went through several states and I was smack in the middle of it with nothing running for days. Returned home and my internet service has been unreliable, and I can't type well on a cell phone.

Anyway, during my trip away the first few days I had some strong cravings. Figured it was revisiting the old in a new frame of mind & body. I did ok until asked to a cookout. (I did not take pain pills, though they would've been very easy to get from a couple people who make no secret of taking them.) I did have a small glass of pre-mixed margarita, didn't finish it but that doesn't count. It was offered as soon as I walked in the door, didn't decline as usual. Really dumb move, was feeling kind of 'funny' (uneasy) in that kind of social situation without opiates. It was the first one without pain pills in all those years. So not happy with myself, really don't even like alcohol. Just dumb.

As I went on through the days of my trip the cravings started to pretty much go away altogether. I was so content in the peaceful quiet and so busy with things to take care of I didn't consciously think about pain pills, and it's remained that way. But there is a definite correlation between high anxiety or high stress and cravings kicking in. Feeling very stressed in recent days because of a few events, one passed, two to come. So the cravings have been coming & going after leaving me alone for awhile.

Sleep does not come to me unless I take a 3mg Melatonin. I had to take it about 5 days in a row before it started working effectively and kept me asleep for a solid 7 hours. There have been several nights I took it and it just didn't work, and I've missed a few nights, forgetting to take one, and sure enough, back to same old routine; up between 2 & 3:30 and no going back to sleep. I'll continue to take it awhile longer, I don't like to rely on it, but not getting sleep makes me feel so off that I begin to feel physically ill then just plain bonkers. Felt like I was losing my mind going so long without decent sleep.

I do feel I'm reaching more of an even keel emotionally at this point in the "task" department. Just do what I can to get things accomplished and all the other big problems looming just have to be put on a back burner till I can address them. My tendency is to want to get stressed & overwhelmed about the big picture, but I'm making a conscious effort to only tackle what I'm able at any given time, and put the rest away. It's a relearning process but I'm trying hard.

I have kept up my swimming, it's a 'need' now, and a deeply entrenched part of my routine. I'm convinced I'd be further behind without it.

Any pain is managed just fine with Tylenol, as long as I recognize my physical limits & don't push. I've learned to say or accept "I can't do that" with some things and that it's OK. My back actually feels better from all the swimming, tighter muscles make a good natural brace.

Noticed I've failed to mention something else since w/d. Feeling rather sheepish I suppose. Heaven knows opiates make the digestive tract sluggish. Mine has been on overdrive since the worst symptoms of w/d passed. Not diarrhea, but two or three trips a day to the loo is a PIA (lame humor. Don't know if that's normal, haven't seen it mentioned.

Despite some lingering issues & stupid move good strides are happening too. So that's where I'm at.

Now, the big worry, I don't know how to handle tomorrow morning's neuro appt. Dread it. Another round of facing another MD and telling him how utterly ashamed I am and asking forgiveness for breaking trust. This far away from opiates it's even more humiliating, what an idiot I've been. There is no way for me to even gauge what his reaction will be. Seems so....haughty? presumtuous?... of me to drop that bomb (tho I'm pretty certain he knows already) and then ask for help and perhaps handing him the Ashton manual. Something tells me he won't go for that method anyway. I was fully prepared to ask about tapering off the Xanax (if he felt inclined to even help me), but I thought I'd be a bit further ahead at 75 days. It really is a quandary for me, just don't know what to do. He might push it, might cut me off altogether, he might say wait. Some days I feel like trying to get off it, other days my inclination is to wait a bit longer for the opiate situation to level out better. I'm very confused. And I better get it figured out fast.

Any advice on that, I'm grateful.

[Robert_325]

Willow .... I for one think you have done awesome! Proud of you and you should feel the same way. Don't know how many times I've said this is a process and not an event. You are progressing wonderfully. Here is a suggestion for the dr tomorrow you might not hear elsewhere. Print the post that you just wrote and hand that to the dr. Do that and I guarantee that dr will bend over backwards to help you. Drs are usually good people or they wouldn't be in a position that took so many years of study and they are there to help you not to judge you. It's when people take them for being ignorant and try to blow smoke that they rightfully get annoyed to say the least. But you just spilled your guts in that last post and I know without a doubt in my mind how most any dr you handed that post printed to would react. He would be proud to help you further! Hope you think about it at least. God bless.

[willow22]

Thank you Robert. That had not even occurred to me. I so appreciate your support & encouragement and am so glad you stopped by. Know it's taken a toll giving so much of yourself for so long, & you need some time for you & your family. But God Bless you, His work shows through you, no doubt! I can't tell you how often I think of that and it fills me with hope.

[Anonymous]

Willow.....
Geez, I'm losing it!
just wrote Toni on Mr. Dean's thread, and had her mixed up with you!....
anyway.....
how did dr. appt. go?
I had to taper off benzo after the opiates.
nothing to fear cause it goes slow.
i still have to take occasionally because of ms, but it's seldom and small amt.
Also....figuring out triggers is really a good job.
Sometimes at night I'll just imagine my underwater world if stressed.....
how ever sometimes I imagine I'm riding a broom and playing quiddich (sp)? also.......
so let us know how the appt went!
Marian

[caughtagain]

Hey Willow,,, Different spin on how your feeling.... First of all, YOU SHOULD be proud of how far you have come. The drive, strength, desire that is takes to get to where you are at is nothing to take for granted.. At the end of the day, we only have ourselves to deal with life and what it throws our way... Sure, there is faith and hope and all of those inner traits that guide us, BUT there is only yourself to actually get it done.... But here is the cool part, Use all those things/traits as armor to repell the bad things such as uncertainty, fear and doubt. My bet is Drive, Strength, desire, Faith and Hope will win out everytime! As addicts, I think we lose sight (as i have said) of all that we do have in our make up.... If used in a positive way, you/we are unstoppable and accomplish anything... The other thing is, with Benzo's, like eveyone has said.... Take it slow.... Proud of you Willow

[willow22]

Thanks you guys, really am grateful for the support. I went for a swim after my appt just to get the jitters from before the appt worked out. As I swam I was coincidentally thinking about strength, determination, drive, and where did it come from inside me. I truly do believe it came from God, even if some of it's my personality/genetic, He put it there. And I will count those traits as blessings to offset the wonky way my brain wants to work with anxiety. "Fear not" kept popping into my head.

I prayed before my appt, because all the things I planned to say kept getting jumbled in my head. (And of course my printer chose this morning to bite it, so I had nothing printed to take with me. So I tossed my tablet pc in my purse.) I figure God knew what was in my heart, and what was best for me, so however things landed I would accept that.

I went in with heart pounding & hands trembling again, that's what these confessions due to me. My neuro was so very understanding & kind, he even said I didn't need to apologize to him, didn't owe him one. That people can get into trouble with drugs for all kinds of reasons. After I updated him on the opiate situation, we talked a long time about the Xanax. Just like my primary MD, he's uneasy due to it's habit forming nature. I told him my fears both staying on & going off it. That I don't want to be a prisoner to pills anymore, but neither do I want to be a prisoner to anxiety & panic (and at a couple points agoraphobia) like I was all those years pre-Xanax. I just want to be healthy. So, he looked at the Ashton manual on my tablet, thought a bit, felt I wasn't at a high enough dose to warrant that method and said "let's try this..." He wrote a script to switch me to Xanax XR, timed release. (I didn't know it existed.) Two months worth, same dose I'm at, 2 mg per day. He wants to give my body time to adjust to that because he's fully aware of the short half-life and peaks & valleys of regular Xanax, which I do feel & told him. Then from there we'll try reducing. (He said "slowly, slowly, slowly" and I was SO relieved to hear those words.) I asked if he'd stay close to me during this process, he assured me he would. (Usually only see him twice a year.) He said we will just pay close attention, and see what develops and if any problems arise, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. And he said that maybe it's time I am able to get off these pills too and not have the anxiety & panic issues like I did way back in the day. Only one way to find out, really.

So, he did not kick me out, and he will help me & watch closely, and I feel relieved & blessed for that. Don't know if the XR is the optimal path or not, but the way I see it he could've just said knock off 1/2 mg now (pretty sure he was about to go there but changed his mind, whew). And above all, God knows what's best for me in this situation.

This is going to be a tougher one for me. A lot of it could be psychological on my part, fearful & anxious due to vivid memories of how life used to be way back when. Well, I'm very grateful for you all sticking with me, going to need the support on this one, and am thankful for each & everyone of you. You are each special in your own ways

[Anonymous]

Willow,
I'm so very happy the appt went well for you.
My doctor I first started going to when I wanted off medication another doctor had put me on.
A trusting relationship with your doc can be great.
He will stand by you it seems, and together you will pace this and make a decision you both feel is best for you.
Brave you are!
I'll bet you were shaking like heck and near to crying when you went swimming!
Very proud of you.
Nothing a good doc likes better than honesty.
Hope you are proud of yourself!
Marian

[willow22]

I swear Marian, you read me like a book sometimes I WAS shaking & near tears in the waiting room, got my composure, but still was shaking when talking to him. He made me laugh at one point which immediately cut the tension. But yeah, by the time I left there & made a bee line for the pool I was still shaking & had one whopping headache!

Filled the new script, will start it tomorrow. Dawned on me I'm going to feel at least a 25% drop in daytime dose because the time-release is going to continue working during the night when I never took them. If that makes sense. But I don't think it'll kill me I'm glad to have you with me, Marian, we seem similar in a lot of ways.

And Reid, hey bud, I was out of town with no power, water, AC, nada on my day 60. Had to conserve my cell for short calls, so didn't go online, couldn't check in. I was wondering if you'd feel inclined to pass on the 60 day pickle chip, it would cheer me up. Otherwise I go buy a jar & run 'em through a dehydrator

[Strong Desire]

I swear Marian, you read me like a book sometimes I WAS shaking & near tears in the waiting room, got my composure, but still was shaking when talking to him. He made me laugh at one point which immediately cut the tension. But yeah, by the time I left there & made a bee line for the pool I was still shaking & had one whopping headache!

Filled the new script, will start it tomorrow. Dawned on me I'm going to feel at least a 25% drop in daytime dose because the time-release is going to continue working during the night when I never took them. If that makes sense. But I don't think it'll kill me I'm glad to have you with me, Marian, we seem similar in a lot of ways.

And Reid, hey bud, I was out of town with no power, water, AC, nada on my day 60. Had to conserve my cell for short calls, so didn't go online, couldn't check in. I was wondering if you'd feel inclined to pass on the 60 day pickle chip, it would cheer me up. Otherwise I go buy a jar & run 'em through a dehydrator

Hi Willow,

You have me laughing so hard right now about putting your pickle in a dehydrator! Funny stuff for sure!

I am so happy your doctor visit went well for you! Robert had an excellent idea about printing your previous post and having the doctor read it. But since your printer wasn't cooperating you made the most out of the situation and told him what you needed to tell him. I'm sure you were shaking when you first got there for your appointment like you said.

But he seems to be a great doc and put you right at ease! You did awesome with him and now you can relax a bit right?! Bet getting in that pool really helped! I'm very proud of you and how you handled that situation.

I'm new here and been reading your thread. You are truly an amazing person! Someone that I can honestly look up to anytime. I really appreciate all of your posts. They are filled with information and my mind is thirsty for knowledge all the time. You take care Willow and I'm sure I will be posting to you again soon. Have a great evening! Blessings to you always.

Big Hugs,
Karen

[Anonymous]

Willow....
I remember going into the doctor AFTER i had jumped off the fent patches and i just started crying. i was sure he was going to be mad at me.....plus i was oh so sick!
He was so nice. he had not put me on them but would have helped me off a bit more painlessly. The nicer he was, more i cried.......lord i am so glad that is over and done with!
i come from a large family and it was really tough for me to be around them also while recovering from those ptchs. i don't know why either.....i would walk my dogs everywhere but didn't want to go the mailbox. weird.
truly, i don't think you are even going to feel the drop in the benzo.....just check in with him on how you feel before each drop and work together.......
you will find out if you still suffer from an anxiety disorder or not, and you will work from there.
Take care!
Marian

[willow22]

Hi Karen Glad you find my journey helpful! ( I do feel funny being looked up to, 'cause I'm just another pickle trying to find the way to a better kind of life.)

Thanks for the words of encouragement Marian, and your stories always help me quite a bit. The fear is so often bigger than the reality, it's a struggle for me keeping that in check, have to keep reminding myself of that. I suspect most everyone gets that.

Reid, it's difficult for me to feel proud of myself, always has been. There's a long history of why that is, but I'll work on not being so hard on myself.

Well, took my first 24 hour Xanax dose yesterday. Felt rather loopy/buzzed the first few hours, thought 'oh, great, I'll feel spurts of this off and on all day'. Don't want to feel buzzed like that, didn't feel that on my regular tabs. I also dozed back to sleep from about 8-9, but then I didnt sleep well for the couple previous nights, so it could've been that + aggressive swimming (pretty much daily now). Anyway, the day didn't go down that way- wasn't buzzing off & on, so that's good. Felt just a little edgy after about 4 hours, bit of craving like it wore off, but that went away within a couple hours. Then not much of anything extraordinary after that. I could sense tiny drops now & then, but not like regular doses. Felt a little edgy at those times, but today is another major stress day (long story, but it's a unique situation that has the propensity to go very south, so that's factoring in heavily right now.) Anyway, the big picture from that first 24 hours was it wasn't so bad, nothing that felt unmaneagable. Guess the opiate experience has been a good training exercise in that regard. Kept really busy, any frustrations I swam them off end of the day. So maybe this will work out ok if it goes really slowly. That's all I can hope & pray for.

[caughtagain]

Willow You are now a 60 day pickle chip holder, CONGRATS!!! Very proud of you. As far as regrets. I still have them and I still try to work through things.. The key is to never give up forgiving yourself and at some point,,, you indeed will. Also, know we are ALWAYS here for you... Have a nice day Willow.... Reid

[Anonymous]

Hang tight kiddo!
It will work out I'm thinking....
Marian

[willow22]

Thanks Reid, I love your wisdom. And I'm grateful for the 60 day chip, and that I don't have to go buy a dehydrator

I'm trying to stay positive Marian, and see that there is a big bright blue sky ahead & so many more possibilities with no more pill prisons. Oh how awesome that would be.

Today has left me drained, feeling blue (a normal reaction, so nothing odd there) and tired. At least it didn't go south, that is a miracle in itself. I have so much to do I feel like Curly spinning in circles on one leg. But I think I'd just like to take the rest of the day off.

[what456]

Willow, I have been coming to this forum for quite some time. However, I have been struggling with opiates, (which landed me in jail for 5 days from a similiar situation as yours) I wasn't at the pharmacy when it happened but very similiar circumstances, and now suboxone. I was off suboxone for 21 days and actually stupidly went back on them. Now trying to quit again. But I had to tell you, I started today reading the first post you wrote and went through the thread and I am SOOOOO proud of you. I am in awe of your strength. I really am. I just had to tell you that. I really need to go and start my own thread so I can keep my own story in one place because I really need some help. But before I did that I had to tell you what an awesome person I think you are. You should be so proud of yourself. God Bless you in every day from here.

[Comeback Kid]

its just one of many great stories w456. Start you a thread, and you will get tons of support. Good luck.

[willow22]

Hi what456, nice to meet you. You landed in jail for 5 days?!? That gave me shudders. Reid's story of police showing up was scary enough. I cannot believe how stupid I was being & risks I was taking. The drugs just made a fog around me that made it all 'ok' somehow in my mind. Now I feel so different about it. C Kid is right, there are so many inspiring stories here, it's what made me sign up! I haven't checked yet but hope you have started your own thread?

Day 83 off opiates. Cravings seem to be subsiding again, haven't had one bother me for several days now, except yesterday mid-day (but it was a Very high stress day, lot of big stuff closing in at once). I was engrossed in paperwork, about the time I realized I was having one I got up and tossed in a load of laundry, moved around a little, it pretty much went away not long after. I've known for awhile stress is an opiate craving trigger, so it seems like they are lessening even with regular to medium high stress. Another bit of forward progress! My body is getting physically stronger and I have become a swimming maniac, it's all I know to do to push my body and get the 'bad' stuff physically & mentally worked out of my system. If that stuff comes back, I just bide my time till I can get another swim in.

A couple days I had to skip swimming because of other things going on. Have to tell anyone reading, it absolutely makes a difference to do something physical. Know a lot of us landed here because of starting out with legitimate pain, injuries, etc. Can attest to the fact that if you can get a good physical workout, within your own physical limits, even walking laps in your yard till you wear a path, it absolutely makes a difference. Please don't ignore that advice when someone suggests it.

It's been a week since I switched to timed-release xanax at same dose I was on. Felt ok first few days. Buzz when taking it has stopped, thankfully. Feel some breakthrough times, but nothing unmanageable. About day 3-6 I was jumpy. agitated, easily irritable, felt like I wanted to let tears flow. I'm guessing adapting to xanax tweak is what caused all that. (Could've been stress, so much of it coming down around me that's not par for the course, instead highly unusual situations.) Could've been both stress + med tweak. Seems to be easing up some past 24 hrs. I just read there is not much dosage variation in the Xanax XR, so drops would be bigger. Need to talk to MD about that, hope he's got a slower taper plan in mind, pretty sure my body would really fight a full mg drop per day, which is next lowest XR dose. Hoping he can tweak that somehow, maybe throw a small regular dose in. I'll be so relieved when this is over...

Hope everyone has a good day!

[caughtagain]

Wow!!! Day 83... 7 more days until that next Pickle!!!! keep going Willow and thanks for popping in and letting us know you are well. All my best, Reid

[willow22]

Day 90 off opiates.

I can hardly believe that the pain pills that ruled my existence for so many years have been out of my life for 3 months. I will let my guard down today & let myself feel proud of that. It's been some hard work getting here.

I've been at a place recently of almost no cravings. Forgot about them. And, like the 30 day marker, my brain went 'oh, no, you don't get off so easy'. From about Friday through yesterday morning I had some pretty strong, long ones nagging at me. The kind that strike in the jaw & throat, salivating, like I'd get at the 4 or 5 hour mark when it was time to take another dose of pain pills. Actually, I'm having a milder form of that now but trying to blow it off. But over the past weekend along with the stronger cravings I felt blue, definitely short-fused, agitated, fidgety. I sat through a movie Sunday and thankfully it wasn't crowded & no one was in the seats in front of us because I had crossed my legs & was swinging the top one almost the entire time. I was beginning to annoy myself after awhile with that. Today and looking back, I find it oddly fascinating that somehow it's like my brain/body detects the milestone days, and smacks me upside the head right before & during those days. Though it hasn't been fun & felt discouraging, I'm not going to take this latest rollback as a bad thing, instead it's a good reminder of where I've been, and it teaches humility and patience. I am still just a pup at this, and every day is a practice day, an exercise in what to do that works and what doesn't. I anticipate this will be a long road, and not easy, and that's ok, I have nowhere else to be. Except 6' under and I'm not ready for that yet. Unless my Maker says it's time, I still have things on my bucket list.

New thing I noticed just in the past week or so: brain fog. Almost a pain pill fog but not quite. Close enough to make me wonder if it's part of the process? Happens in the daytime, out of the blue, comes & goes in short moments to maybe half an hour. Total ditz, like embarrassing. And that forgetfulness later. (If not part of the journey it's hormones causing some hefty mentalpause moments. Or ragweed allergies kicking in early . )

Well, I had a bit more to say here & a pile of papers to wade through after that, but this craving is starting to get strong & trying to override everything, get in my face & stay there. I haven't had a good swim since Saturday, strained a muscle so backed off a couple days. Think the best thing I can do right now is take a break and go swim it off for an hour. Works like a charm every time and should keep it away for the rest of today.

I hope everyone is doing well.

[caughtagain]

Proud of you Willow and I bestow upon you the 3rd pickle... This one is a dill... So where it with pride. As far as the bumps in the road.... Yeah, they come, you feel them... But when you do, just continue to recognize them, process it as a craving ( as you are doing) and soon enough it will be over... What you DO NOT want to do is to start with the " I can handle just one" pprinciple... That willl set you up for failure for sure... Just know I sure am proud of you and thanks for coming on and giving us an update. All my best... Reid