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- 2 Post By ARTIST658
A Post for ARTIST/Ruth
A Post for ARTIST/Ruth
I was really nervous about posting this. Forgive me if it is not apropriate for this forum, not sure if there is a PM option for this forum. Sometimes I think there are no coincidences in life. I was prescribed Tramadol after a broken collar bone. It worked great, however was led to this site after researching the drug. I was on it less than 3 weeks and due to the Tramadol thread here, thought it best to pulled back and stop it, which I did. PT has been brilliant for me, almost fully healed. Haven't really needed an Advil lately. Then I read Sam's thread and empathized with him and what my husband went through almost 7 years ago. Probably in his thread a ran across a post by you (Ruth), very eloquent, wise.......It made me look up posts by you and I ran across one that really hit home for me concerning a situation I am dealing with my mother currently. I will avoid the long back story, but she lost her way after the sudden loss of my dad in 2006. She is a very intelligent woman, ironically has a double doctorate in Pharmacology and Toxicology, did her dissertation on the effects of Morphine in the elderly. She now struggles with life and has turned to copious amounts of Benzos to cope. She is like a drunk child when on the these, very different from the woman she was. She will pull things together, stop them, be functional for awhile, then a life situation sends her back to square one. Very frustrating! Now, due to legitimate health issues, opiates have been added to the mix. This is your post (Ruth's post) that resonated with me (it is an older post):
"By in large, addicts are emotionally-stunted adults. That isn't a bashing - that's just the facts. This disease does that to us. We simply stop growing emotionally at the point that we begin to lean on the drugs to get us through life. It may offend some to read that, as it offended me to learn the same when I was first getting clean. But it's common sense. When we depend upon some chemical substance to help us to deal with stress, anxiety, fear, anger - as well as any physical pain, we do not develop the coping skills to manage life without them.
So - try to imagine what Robert has experienced in nearly 16,000 posts on this forum. It's much the same as I experience working in a treatment center for addiction. It means we're working with people with a myriad of self-absorbed interests and issues. Many feel victimized, and perceive that at every corner. Many feel entitled - as if their decision to get clean should clear the way for an endless supply of love and support. Most do not know how to deal with any pain - physical or emotional - so they overreact to anything that causes discomfort. There are personality 'defects' that are exceedingly common among addicts - arrogance, self-absorption, dishonesty, denial, self-pity (etc,) - making it so difficult for those of us who work with addicts new to recovery. Sometimes, I swear some clients act more like toddlers, whining and stomping their feet for attention to their needs! The burn-out rate is incredibly high. It's truly a role of giving and giving and giving - to folks who generally know little of gratitude, humility or appreciation."
This is how I feel about my mother right now. I sit here with a feeling of impeding doom, knowing I have to go over there to help her today. I feel guilty for feeling that way. She was a wonderful mother. I'm not sure if I have a question, I am at a loss as to what I need to do to help her. Sometimes I feel like I stick my head in the sand, then other times I get angry and feel like I shame her. I feel quilt and anger...........Anyway, I just wanted to say to you and Robert as well, whom I have seen help many, that you guys are a gift. I wish I had someone like you in this area to help.
Dear Lil Lake,
I'm usually on this forum at least once a day, so I apologize that I haven't been on the forum to respond. We just had the monsoons of the last hurricane here for the last few days, and my satellite connection to the internet was gone. [Life in the country ... lol] So I just found your post this morning.
My heart truly goes out to you, as it is so hard to have a loved one lost in the nightmare of drug abuse. The first place you need to turn is to the 12-step groups that are designed specifically for those affected by a loved one's addictions. Here's the links to finding a local meeting:
This disease is much too complex, much too powerful and much too insidious for any one person to contend with alone. The entire family around the addict is pulled into the "black hole" that is addiction; no one walks away unscathed. Oftentimes, I think the addict's loved ones suffer far more than the addict, themselves. The addict can pop another pill or drink - and numb out the feelings; those around them are stuck in the feelings and consequences of their behavior.
Through Alanon (or Naranon, either group will help) - you will learn the skills you need to take care of YOU, despite your mother's 'insanity.' That is how their program works. It is not a program to "fix" your mother, it is a program to enlighten and stengthen yourself. One huge key is learning how to "detach with love." As the daughter of an addict, you've become stuck in the role of caretaker. As such, you are probably holding in a 'monsoon' of emotions - from heartache to full-blown rage - and feeling you have to put your mother first. Alanon/Naranon will show you how to live your own life, while lessening the impact of your mother's addictions. These groups can be your lifeline to sanity, in the midst of insanity. Above all, you'll gain coping tools.
In time, with the help of these 12 step programs, you can learn how to leave your mother's problem in HER lap, not your own. You can learn how to let go of the guilt, shame and sense of obligation that has (no doubt) been drilled into your mind. Addicts are very sick people - sick with a disease that absolutely distorts every aspect of who they are. You may want to look into doing an intervention with your mother, with the assistance of other loved ones and a skilled interventionist. But first, get yourself to some meetings and start your own healing.
I hope you'll keep us posted - there are many on this forum in similar shoes - but without the courage to speak up. You are welcome to use this forum as your own "journal" - to let out your frustrations. We have one member here who has gone through the mill with her daughter, and has keep us updated on this thread: http://www.drugs.com/forum/need-talk...and-51993.html Reading through some of her story may be helpful to you, too.
PS - Mixing opiates and benzos is very dangerous; both suppress breathing, and can all-too-easily lead to coma or death. Please make a call to your mother's doctor(s) and make sure they are aware that she is taking both, and tell them the (drunken-like) behaviors that you see. It's possible that one doctor does not know what the other doctor is prescribing. And even if it's from one doctor, you want to put him on notice that you see what's happening. The doctor can not break the patient's confidentiality, but s/he can listen and take note of your concerns.
I'd prefer to see someone clean and sober - and cursing me because I told them what they needed to hear ~
rather than see someone still lost in addiction - and liking me because I told them what they wanted to hear.
Thank you for your very thoughtful post! No worries, we are having storms of our own, just lost power a few minutes ago. I am honored you responded. I am familiar with Naranon. It has been very helpful to me in the past and is probably the reason I am not in complete despair. My mother's boyfriend and I had somewhat of an impromptu intervention last Friday. Even though the over-indulgence of prescription medications were discussed, her mental state and appointments for therapy were the main topics of discussions. I was able to get my mom in physical therapy to address her legitimate pain issues. She has come off the medications a bit and I can tell she is having some withdrawal issues. The benzos are the main problem. My husband is a recovered addict and is concerned about her openness to the 12 step program (which worked for him). My mother is not a spiritual/religious woman. For her there is no higher power 'to turn her will and life over to.' This has been an obstacle for us. She responds well to reason and logic, so we have been using that approach with her. We have made some progress this week. Very small steps, but progess nonetheless.
Sadly, it is her primary care doctor that prescribes both the benzos and the pain medication. It is maddening! She had to see him to get the referral to the Physical Therapist and he asked her if she needed more. She has enough klonopin to chill out the entire state!
My sister is due in town next week and I did (much to my surprise) convince my mom to attend a church function with us Sunday evening. Baby steps........Thank you again for your wise and thoughtful reply. I will keep you posted.