[Sarahjuanita]

Hello everybody,
I don't mean for this to end up being so long I just gotta get it out.
I am desperate and in need of information.

On Saturday October 10th 2009, I have discovered that my boyfriend of one year relapsed and used drugs. He has been in recovery for 2 years. All of a sudden I get a gut feeling and discovered 2 pipes (used to smoke crack), fresh pieces of rolled up brillo pad pieces, empty baggies with white residue in them, scissors, and a paper clip in his pant pockets (and I just moved in with him August 21st). When he got home I asked him, and I was infuriated, WHAT THE HELL is he doing with this paraphernalia? Let me remind you guys that he has hundreds of empty vials simultaneously around the apartment that he now knows I know where they are.
He told me he hasn't been buying drugs lately- that the vials were old.

He told me that the 2 pipes, brillo pads, and paper clips, empty baggies, etc where all old and he wanted to get rid of it. I immediately did NOT believe him, but still gave them the benefit of the doubt because he said that he was going to get rid of it- but didn't because the cops were around the 7-11 store where he was going to throw the ******** in the trash.

My friends warned me NOT to believe that, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and did. Let me remind you that he regularly attends Al-ANON meetings- so therefore I was partially convinced.

Since sunday was right around the corner, I had to wait until Monday to get him drug tested because he worked full day shifts on weekends and I wanted to take him to a testing center but I forgot about at-home testing kits. So Now it's Monday October 12th and I told him I couldn't trust him until I knew for sure he was proven negative for everything and it would ease my mind and my soul if we were to get an at-home drug testing kit.

He went along with it! In fact; he jokingly said to me, "We'll see who will be laughing when the test results came back". He was confident that everything will come back negative. We go home, I carefully read the directions, administered the test, watched him piss in the sample cup, screwed the cap on top, and waited for the results.

Everything came back negative- but one, COCAINE. Let me remind you that Cocaine also means crack-cocaine as well. I was shocked! He was so confident and so sure that it was gonna come out negative. Then the bastard had the audacity to question my handling of directions with this test. Let me remind you again that he used to be an avid cocaine user in the past. He told me this upon us getting together. So even If I did screw up the handling of the test- Why would the Category of COCAINE be the only one that is positive?

Her must've thought I was a fool. He NOT only lied to me by telling me he didn't use, he had the nerve to play mind games with me and tell me that this was a way for me to easily get out of the relationship, that his friends thought I was using him anyways, and how could I throw away the relationship so easily?

Then after I caught his ass, he finally admits to using it one last time before he decided to throw it away for good. He said he sniffed it. I think thats bull******** because Why were the pipes in your pocket along with the brillo pad, scissors, and paper clip? I am NO ********ing dummy!

My step-father suffers from a ready rock(crack) addiction. I witnessed what my mother goes through day in and day out with this... Should I really go with my heart and help him through, or run for the mother ********ing hills.

I am scared. pissed. ashamed. let down, disappointed, but one the other hand I feel like I shouldn't abandon him.

Help! I really don't know what to do.

[Jacqueline_1980]

Hi. I am really sorry you are going through this. I read your post and want to tell you that I don't think your boyfriend is playing "mind games" with you. He desperately does not want you to find out he relapsed. It has more to do with his addiction and less to do with you. I am getting ready to detox off prescription meds myself. At first my husband was very angry and authoritive with the "You better get off these meds or else...." attitude, but that didn't help anything. Once he stopped being mad and started helping me look for ways to get help, we were able to work as a team. I got addicted to my meds after a surgery a several months back after having 8 years clean off of heroin. Relapse is something I never thought would happen to me. It caught me off guard and it would have gone on alot longer if I wasn't able to be honest with my family and go to them for help.
I don't know you, but you and your boyfriend are in my prayers. I hope that he is able to get help and you are able to find peace. God bless you and let us know how it works out.

Jackie

[Rangers]

Dear Sarahjuanita,
I feel your pain. I am a 54 year old man, who is an alcoholic. I have been married for 30 years to a wonderful women who has stood beside me. Believe me, I have put her thru hell along with my 2 children. I am very active in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). My family and I are back together, and they are thrilled that things have worked out. I go to 6 meetings weekly, and havn't had a drink since July 23rd of 2008. If you truly love your guy and really want to work things out, I would suggest you stay with him and give him your support. please remember, that addiction is a disease of the brain. It can be genetic and passed on to him thru his genes. There is no known cure for this disease, but you can go into remission, as it can be treated and managed. You already know this as he attends Al-anon meetings. Did you ever think of attending with him? The disease of addiction, (does not matter if alcohol or cocaine) can make good people do bad things. I am sure your boyfriend is a good person, otherwise you would not be with him. This disease can make you lie, cheat, deceive, steal and do other terrible things. You did the right thing by giving him the benefit of doubt. After what I have gone thru, put my family thru, I am forever greatful that they have stood by me. I know that I am a good person, and that my disease made me do the nasty things, but that is in the past. But the past is the past. I can't change that. What's done is done. All I can do is from this currunt time frame is "DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING". Give your boyfriend a break and support him, but at the sametime let him know that you will not tolerate him lying and using. I am not a marriage councilor, but I can talk from experience. I feel for you. I am relatively new to this site, but I can tell you that you are at the right place. People in this forum are great people. Good luck.
Ranger

[RubyDean]

sarah, he has been using for a long time, and not sure why he would go to al-anon (which is geared for family members of alcoholics) if he has been collecting any 'clean time' it has been a lie, and may folks try to go to meeting to balance out their using. with crack it is very easy to binge, and then take a week off, or a few days off. it is not like heroin which is a fulltime job, weekends, and holidays. people on crack can be the most sneaky, snakey ones you will meet. he wont quit for you. i would run. until he can piss clean for weeks straight at a time, he is lying to you. if he wants help, he knows where the rooms are to get it.

[MaisieC]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. If he's going to question your handling of the drug test after being so evidently busted, he's pretty committed to continuing to use. This is SUCH typical addict behavior--to take their own behavior and try to make you feel crazy or as though you're doing something wrong.

I agree that it's weird for him to be in Alanon. Maybe he has an alcoholic parent? OK, but he's an addict, and he needs to be in NA.

I think RubyDean is right: you should get out of the relationship until he can clean himself up. He doesn't want your help; he wants you to leave him alone and believe his lies so that he can continue using. If you want to help him, I think the best thing you can do is let him know that his habit is not OK. He thinks he can fool you in the same way he's fooling himself. It's such a common addict delusion, and it causes so much suffering for the people who love them (which, by the way, he knows from Alanon). I know it's terribly painful, but I think your best bet is to get out of this relationship until and unless he gets clean; it's only going to get worse.

Take good care of yourself.

Maisie

[Sarahjuanita]

You know what? I do believe that he doesn't want me to know. He told me that the reason he didn't want me to know is because of my step-father and his drug addictions. My boyfriends name is Matt- and I love him so very much, I do. I feel like if I leave him it'll make it worse but, I don't want that to be the reason why I stay. When I found out the horrible truth, I struck him several times, and I am a tall powerful woman, and he's so slim- so I know that ******** hurt. I wish I never had hit him, that was the wrong thing to do. But I was so betrayed and angry. I am torn between either loving him and keeping him as a friend and move out or be with him and watch him kill his self(thats if he doesn't try to change)
and thank You and You all for responding this helps soooo much.
<3

[ARTIST658]

Hi Sarahjuanita,

I agree that the lying and sneaking goes hand-in-hand with this disease. But that doesn't mean it is "ok" - it just further demonstrates that Matt is lost in his addiction right now. I don't understand his attendance at AlAnon either, except that sometimes, we can only see another person's drug/alcohol use, and can not yet see our own. It's easier to seek help for ourselves as the victims of another's use, than to admit it's really "us" with the problem.

Regardless, I think AlAnon would be the BEST place for you to turn right now. All the craziness and confusion that you are feeling is so common among the loved ones of those who are addicted - you need their support and guidance.

It's impossible for anyone here to determine IF you should stay or go - we are tempered by our own experiences, and are not able to see what is going on in your day-to-day life with him. Just know that HIS disease is affecting you as much as it is affecting him -- and you have to take care of yourself, above taking care of him. Al-Anon will help you with that. They will also help you to decide what you are (or are not) willing to accept in this relationship - and how to verbalize that to your boyfriend, setting some healthy boundaries.

You need support, Sarah - this forum will help you somewhat, but I do urge you to seek out an AlAnon group to attend. HIS disease is going to drain YOU physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, socially... as well as doing the same to him.

God bless - please continue to post as you need to - lots of good folks here.

Ruth

[Sarahjuanita]

I'm sorry you guys. I got confused. I didn't mean Al-Anon, I meant AA. I didn't know that there was a difference. Yes, I am going to an Al-Anon meeting today at 7 to get a better grip on this and really decide if this is something that I wanna put myself through. Thank You guys for reading and helping me come to terms with this. This would all be easy if I didn't love him so much.

[HenryNCBA]

Good morning all,
First of all let me start my little speech here by saying I feel for you and your situation. Addiction is not an easy thing to deal with. It brings out the worst in everyone and not just the person addicted. That said and going forward the final decision on which ever way you go is going to be yours and yours only. First thing I recommend is to take the anger and frustration and put it away. It doesn’t help things any. Your fiancé is addicted and he is not thinking straight or rationally. He can't and that just goes with the territory and you need to accept that for what it is and deal with it from that angle. Also you must not hit him for if he were to report you trust me you WILL go to jail. I'm sure you know that but domestic violence is really an issue and the law will come down on you very hard regardless of your frustrations over this situation. Remember that the law only looks at facts and the fact that your fiancé is an addict has no bearing on you hitting him. Fact is you were angry and you stepped over that line and hit him period. I won't say anymore on that topic but please keep it in mind also that we are creatures of habit and if done once and we get away with it then it becomes that much easier to repeat the situation again. That is why there are terms such as "repeat offenders, domestic violence, anger management, etc..."
You may want to postpone the wedding and things until you have a clearer picture of your future. I know you love him and I have no doubt he loves you VERY much. He has a sickness and he knows it. Relationships are about the numbers "2", "4", and "1" which stands for "2 People 4 One relationship. Where one is weak the other is strong and vice versa. It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong because in a relationship it is about the "we" and not the "me". Think for two people so in essence his addiction is your addiction. Place yourself in his shoes. If you were addicted how would you feel and react? I am sure you would not want your fiancé or anyone you love and are close to to really know your habit right? That said the hardest part is deciding what you want. Your heart tells you one thing yet you are angry, upset, frustrated, worried, and just feel like screaming and sometimes so mad that you feel like you are going to pop a vein in your head. Don't do that by the way please This is why I said to put the anger away. Take some time off from him to collect your thoughts. Tell him you need time to think about all this because you really do. He won't like it and will most likely beg you not to leave him but that is not what you are doing as you just need a little space to collect you bearings. You may decide you want no part of this yet on the flip side you might kick yourself and say that you love him no matter what and will work through it together with him which is what I would hope for. He will see this break as a departure but reinforce that you need time and space to put things in perspective. Look at it logically now. You are hurt, feel deceived, lied to, not trusted, can't trust, don't believe yet make excuses to believe, want a happy future yet don't want it like it is presently that's for sure, etc.... Does any of this sound like a very "sound" position to be in? I don't think so. If you decide that you don't want any part of this then cut it clean and go on with your life. He will of course dive deeper into his habit but as it was stated it is a disease of mind, body, and soul and he is hurting which is why he is on the drugs in the first place. I used drugs recreationally and was hooked on coke myself back in the early 80's. I had a 3/4 to 1 g habit a day. What got me off was one day while happily snorting up my heart went wild and started this nasty flip flopping sensation and it scared the living poop out of me. Even at this I loaded up a cig with coke and smoked it and snorted what I had left then quit. Of course I went to emergency to check myself out and they said I was addicted to coke. No kidding on that. Your fiancé needs help no doubt about it but until he can actually put his foot down and become angry enough to actually just do it then it is going to be a very bumpy ride at best. Going to various meetings certainly help. Also boosting his self esteem will help also. Ranger said he is a good person at heart and I sincerely believe that also because why else would you be with him? He is just in one of life’s lows and needs a helping hand but he has to want to reach for that hand and help pull himself out. Hopefully that helping hand will be you for he loves you no doubt. Why else would he try to hide it from you? Because of his earlier years he is molded into the person he is today. He just has a bad habit. Again humans are creatures of habit. The key is finding a way to not break that habit so much but to find a replacement for the habit. In doing so it makes it easier to switch to the new habit which should be one that is legal, productive, considerate, and he enjoys doing. Everyone is different. I know of one person that went through two marriages and even his kids couldn't get him off the drugs. I hadn't seen him in quite a while and the next time I bumped into him he was clean as a whistle. Remarried, responsible, and very considerate. He told me he found his calling and gave up the drugs because the "new drug" was a natural high from helping senior citizens. He had lost his parents because they were up there in age but due to his drug habit was not there for them. When he started helping seniors he found a new awakening that made him feel loved, needed, wanted, and there was constant praise and he loved this so much the drugs took a back seat and one day discovered he just didn't want or need them anymore. If you can put yourself in that position where you and both of your futures together living a good, legal, healthy and happy life you can make that his "new" drug and it is by far much better.
I feel for you I really do. You are in a very difficult spot. He is fighting a sickness. You are fighting everything including it.
May the best be there for you. Best of luck!


Henry

[kathleen5hockey]

I feel your pain. You need to step back and look at where you want to be in 5,10,15 yrs. Do you want to live with drugs? Do you want to live with pain? These are hard questions that need to be answered. It seems as if the advise to stay with him is comming from addicts who have conquered the devil. Let me tell you the other side, it's he!! I'm not telling you what to do, just saying think long and hard on what you picture your life to be. What will it be without a drug addict? What will it be with a drug addict? Also, they always say if you leave, blah, blah. It's just bull. They will do what ever they want, whenever you want. It is a mind game. Open your mind and cover your heart, good luck.

[Debpurpletiger]

My Fiance' is a recovering Alcoholic and man did your post sound familiar!! He and I have been together for 2 years now and last October (2008) he went to Inpatient treatment. In February of THIS year (after 4 months of Sobriety) he relapsed.....and didn't tell me. He was doing the "sneak around and lie about it". I smelled Alcohol on his breath many, many times but of course he swore up and down he wasn't drinking.......and you know you can smell when someone has been drinking!!

I even found a few receipts from bars in his car...to which he would reply, "Hmmm, that must have been in there from the previous owner." Yeah... they have DATES on them!!!

Finally, in June he went to the ER with severe abdominal pain. He had Pancreatitis and also needed his Gallbladder removed...yes, drinking was a major contributor, and during that 8 days in the Hospital, he finally admitted what he had been doing, and what I already knew. I told him, "Inpatient treatment again when you get out of here or I am gone (My Mom was an active Alcoholic from when I was 13 to 18 and I REFUSE to go thru that again.)

**** Let me point out here that I am a Recovering Addict, so I am not trying to come across as being Hypocritical **** I completed 9 months of Intensive Outpatient Treatment and have a little over a year Sober, but I DO have back problems that require me to take Narcotics, but finally, I follow the directions on the bottle and do NOT take them to get high.....

(Back to the story) He was released from the Hospital after surgery and immediately went to inpatient treatment for 28 days. He has been sober now since June 22nd.

When he got out of Treatment I told him straight up - One more relapse, and I am gone. And I mean that and he KNOWS I mean that! What I am trying to say is that yes, we all know that Relapse is part of Addiction.......but CHRONIC relapsing shows to me that you're not 100% willing to stay sober. I gave him his 2 chances...he will not get a third one.

My opinion is that it was a relapse and yes (as my Fiance' did) he did lie about it.....but if he is not a CHRONIC relapser, I would give him another chance. I think an Addict deserves a chance to prove themselves, etc.... but I DON'T belive in giving them chance after chance after chance, etc...... With my Fiance', I gave him 2 chances.....but a 3rd I will not tolerate.

I do think you need to do some thinking and decide if you love him enough to accept what he did (you obviously don't have to like it, but can you accept it...??..) You need to think about that and a SERIOUS discussion should be had between the two of you and boundaries should be set by you....as long as you can and will stick to them.

That's just my 2cents worth...take from it what you will, but I hope I have helped in some way, because that was my intention.
Good Luck and please keep us updated.

[ARTIST658]

Originally Posted by Debpurpletiger

My Fiance' is a recovering Alcoholic and man did your post sound familiar!! He and I have been together for 2 years now and last October (2008) he went to Inpatient treatment. In February of THIS year (after 4 months of Sobriety) he relapsed.....and didn't tell me. He was doing the "sneak around and lie about it". I smelled Alcohol on his breath many, many times but of course he swore up and down he wasn't drinking.......and you know you can smell when someone has been drinking!!

I even found a few receipts from bars in his car...to which he would reply, "Hmmm, that must have been in there from the previous owner." Yeah... they have DATES on them!!!

Finally, in June he went to the ER with severe abdominal pain. He had Pancreatitis and also needed his Gallbladder removed...yes, drinking was a major contributor, and during that 8 days in the Hospital, he finally admitted what he had been doing, and what I already knew. I told him, "Inpatient treatment again when you get out of here or I am gone (My Mom was an active Alcoholic from when I was 13 to 18 and I REFUSE to go thru that again.)

**** Let me point out here that I am a Recovering Addict, so I am not trying to come across as being Hypocritical **** I completed 9 months of Intensive Outpatient Treatment and have a little over a year Sober, but I DO have back problems that require me to take Narcotics, but finally, I follow the directions on the bottle and do NOT take them to get high.....

(Back to the story) He was released from the Hospital after surgery and immediately went to inpatient treatment for 28 days. He has been sober now since June 22nd.

When he got out of Treatment I told him straight up - One more relapse, and I am gone. And I mean that and he KNOWS I mean that! What I am trying to say is that yes, we all know that Relapse is part of Addiction.......but CHRONIC relapsing shows to me that you're not 100% willing to stay sober. I gave him his 2 chances...he will not get a third one.

My opinion is that it was a relapse and yes (as my Fiance' did) he did lie about it.....but if he is not a CHRONIC relapser, I would give him another chance. I think an Addict deserves a chance to prove themselves, etc.... but I DON'T belive in giving them chance after chance after chance, etc...... With my Fiance', I gave him 2 chances.....but a 3rd I will not tolerate.

I do think you need to do some thinking and decide if you love him enough to accept what he did (you obviously don't have to like it, but can you accept it...??..) You need to think about that and a SERIOUS discussion should be had between the two of you and boundaries should be set by you....as long as you can and will stick to them.

That's just my 2cents worth...take from it what you will, but I hope I have helped in some way, because that was my intention.
Good Luck and please keep us updated.
__________________
I suffer from Chronic Back Pain (and have since 2004) due to 3 Bulging Disks at L3, L4, and L5 and 1 torn disk. I also have Arthritis throughout my Back. My current Pain Medications are 120 mgs of MS Contin (60mgs in the morning and 60mgs in the evening.) I also have 5mg Percocets for "Breakthrough Pain" which I take twice daily.

I also have Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression. For that I take 200mgs of Lamictal in the morning, 40mgs of Prozac I also take in the morning, and 1mg of Klonopin (Clonazepam) that I can use 3 times a day if needed.

Dear Deb,

It clearly suggests "constructive advice only" for these boards, so please trust me when I say this only to be "constructive." What stands out to me in your post is your own drug use, hon. YOU are taking a massive amount of drugs on a daily basis, especially when you are saying that you are "in recovery" for over a year.

Wow. MS Contin (Morphine) PLUS Percocets PLUS Klonopin = a fog at best, a true nightmare, more realistically. It is the very nature of these drugs that is what you can not deny or avoid. They are clouding your thinking, even if taken "as prescribed." I hesitate to trust that a person who is already admittedly an "addict" CAN take these drugs "as prescribed." It's exactly the same thing as suggesting that a recovering alcoholic is able to take one shot of whiskey two times a day and NOT go any further. It's an impossibility!

Many of us here, on this site, struggle with chronic pain - that is often what leads us into addiction, quite innocently. If we're serious about recovery from that addiction, we find other answers to relieve our pain, not more narcotics! I know I can not take these drugs in safety, I don't try to - period. If I could follow the prescription label, I wouldn't be an addict!!! Being addicted means we have lost control. Besides, the tolerance that an addict builds up over time makes it impossible to stay at the prescribed dosage over time. We simply need more of the drug to get the benefits of that drug.

I can't help but wonder why you post your diagnosis and drug use with your signature - I don't get that. But having read it, I can't just look the other way without speaking up. I'd be cheating you if I did. When I witness denial, I feel compelled to point it out - as that may be life-saving. I'd rather risk the other person's wrath at my direct confrontation - than to turn my back and risk their life.

You need to get honest with yourself. You owe me no explanations, I am not here to condemn you - I'm just another addict, no better, no worse. I am writing simply to try to help you to open your own eyes to what's going on with you. It's so easy for us to focus on the "other guy's" drug or alcohol use, and fail to see our own. I've been there and done the same thing. And when no one confronted me, it allowed me to believe that what I was doing was perfectly safe.

God bless,
Ruth

[hkyjon33]

Originally Posted by ARTIST658

Dear Deb,

It clearly suggests "constructive advice only" for these boards, so please trust me when I say this only to be "constructive." What stands out to me in your post is your own drug use, hon. YOU are taking a massive amount of drugs on a daily basis, especially when you are saying that you are "in recovery" for over a year.

Wow. MS Contin (Morphine) PLUS Percocets PLUS Klonopin = a fog at best, a true nightmare, more realistically. It is the very nature of these drugs that is what you can not deny or avoid. They are clouding your thinking, even if taken "as prescribed." I hesitate to trust that a person who is already admittedly an "addict" CAN take these drugs "as prescribed." It's exactly the same thing as suggesting that a recovering alcoholic is able to take one shot of whiskey two times a day and NOT go any further. It's an impossibility!

Many of us here, on this site, struggle with chronic pain - that is often what leads us into addiction, quite innocently. If we're serious about recovery from that addiction, we find other answers to relieve our pain, not more narcotics! I know I can not take these drugs in safety, I don't try to - period. If I could follow the prescription label, I wouldn't be an addict!!! Being addicted means we have lost control. Besides, the tolerance that an addict builds up over time makes it impossible to stay at the prescribed dosage over time. We simply need more of the drug to get the benefits of that drug.

I can't help but wonder why you post your diagnosis and drug use with your signature - I don't get that. But having read it, I can't just look the other way without speaking up. I'd be cheating you if I did. When I witness denial, I feel compelled to point it out - as that may be life-saving. I'd rather risk the other person's wrath at my direct confrontation - than to turn my back and risk their life.

You need to get honest with yourself. You owe me no explanations, I am not here to condemn you - I'm just another addict, no better, no worse. I am writing simply to try to help you to open your own eyes to what's going on with you. It's so easy for us to focus on the "other guy's" drug or alcohol use, and fail to see our own. I've been there and done the same thing. And when no one confronted me, it allowed me to believe that what I was doing was perfectly safe.

God bless,
Ruth

Ruth you hit the nail right on the head with that ... my flag didnt go up until you mentioned the doseages and what kinds of pills. Once again i hope that you do not take this as an attack on you and your situation AT ALL. We are all addicts and thats why we come to this site ... im pretty sure that u have come to this site b4 your b/f's addiction re surfaced. If i am wrong i really do appologize. I also want to make clear that i am not taking away from your situation but like Ruth said, you just cant take 1 drink as a recovering alcoholic. I tried this the 1st time i was serious and had some clean time under my belt ... i was an avid opiate taker for a while. Well when i quit, i hurt myself and told my Dr about my problem so he perscribed me Soma. Well, i also have deppression/ SERIOUS panic dissorder as well and was perscribed lexipro,zoloft and valium. Needless to say ANY pill i get in front of me, eventually ill be right back in the gutter again. It started as perscribed, than moved to ok, ill just have one more and the cycle begians. Now i know that all people are diffrent but its hard to really make a SOBER dessision weather u think you are or not. I really understand your pain and i am going thru that as well. I was perscribed 1 script of vicodin a while back and i took them AS perscribed. Well, needless to say i could see myself heading back to my old life (even called one of my old hook ups but im glad i didnt get a hold of them) as well as went back to the dr for a refill but he asked me if i think that it would be a good idea even if taken AS perscribed. I told him no i dont think it would be b/c i can feel my body crave them .... and this was almost 8 months later of pure and clean sober time.
Plz, once again i really do want to clarify, i am not here to judge, belittle, or accuse u of anything. I am just stating facts and what i went thru. Ask yourself this SERIOUS question: If u were to take out those 2 percocets or cut ms cotin in half, would u NEED to take them or do u think your body would be ok by that ? B/c if you start to go into withdrawls, i think u should start to pump the brakes a little bit even though its as perscribed. I just dont want the same thing that happend to me to happen to someone else. It took me losing everything, my house, car, marriage, all my belongings but my cloths to realize that and if my words can stop someone else from doing the same, i will type until my fingers bleed. Addiction will play mind tricks with you and just dont get caught up in the mind games. I really cant stress that i am not attacking, disrespecting or anything like that to you. I just thought the same way as Ruth. I would rather take a verbal beatdown, even physical beatdown, than have someone else go thru what i did, even someone i dont know. I am not making light of your husbands problem as well b/c he has his deamons that he needs to work on as well.
Just ask yourself a serious, honest question: do you need the pills or do you NEED the pills? there is a diffrence ... 1st one is just for pain and you can lower your dosage w/o any side effects. the 2nd NEED is does your body and mind need them as well ? you dont have to post an answer b/c that is a really private matter that if you dont want to disscuss that is up to u. I surely am no one that you need to answer to or justify anything to. i seriously wish you and your hubby the best and hope that he doesnt relapse or u as well.
As for the original post (sorry to steal your thread) but i just got done doing that to my fieance (we were a month away from the marrage and i got caught in a relapse as well). I did the same thing that he did, played mind games, lied, didnt tell the WHOLE truth so i could justify what i said. I dont know about anyone elses situation but my own but i really do thank my fiance for leaving... sure it got worse for a second, but i came out the other side a better person....if it is ment to be, its ment to be and you or him cant change that. God has a plan for all of us *sorry to bring in religion but they are my personal beliefs take em as you will* and if his plan is for you two to be together, there is nothing we or u can say about it. It will just Be.
Plz dont take this as i say u should leave him, but i do think that u need to have a really SERIOUS conversation with him ... active drug tests, monitored movement, checking his stuff, etc.... he has lost all trust as did i and im telling you that if you are going to stick around, this is what HAS to happen. He would get the same in rehab but just not in his own home how this would be. He needs to agree to that as well and DONT TAKE ANY EXCUSSES. Stick to your guns or he will walk all over u. i know this b/c i did the same thing to my fieance. Explain that u dont want to deal with this for the rest of your life but understand that u will be. there is no on/off button to switch for an addict. if there was, i would turn mine off (havnt slept a solid 4 hrs since ive been clean). Just take the proper steps to avoid relapse and the rest is in his hands....explain that u dont want to leave but if something isnt done and done now, u have to. He will get angry and play the same mind games but stick to your guns, thats the only way to do it. Maybe he might need a live in facility for now and if so, explain you will be there helping him thru it...as selfish as it sounds, u need to make yourself happy b/c if you cant, how can u make anyone else happy? Hes not doing the drugs b/c of u or anything, he is doing them b/c he likes to get high and needs that to stop. Especally if it is crack and not pain meds for an ailment or anything (not saying that eaither one is worse than the other but im just saying that there is no medical excuse to use crack) U and him need to go around the house and search every little space u can find. Think like a cop in a raid, us addicts have a crafty way to hide things (i used to hide pills in my hockey pads for instance..i made a small insision into the lacing, and stuffed my baggies in there...see crafty) and leave no stone unturned. But also realize that u and him need to be ready for this. If eaither one isnt ready for it, its time for you to re evaluate ure situation. Live in rehab like i said is an option as well and while he is gone, u HAVE to search the house b/c it can be anywhere.... just thought i would throw my 2 cents in on both of the conversations going on here =)...i wish you both the best and will be here for both of you and im behind both of you 100%. good luck and GOD BLESS =)

[TTTDogs]

ARTIST AND HCYJON I could not agree with you more - Hi Deb - I hope you do not mind if I chime in - and hope you will accept the words of this posting - as they are intended - To provide you a with unconditional support and guidence - to let you know we care - how incredible special is that - 3 complete stranges - at crack of dawn on a Saturday - would open their arms and their hearts to care about you - How lucky are you?
I am on DAY 6 (YEA ME!) of a vicious 10 year morphine / percocet addiction - I only have 1 Doc for 10 years - never doc shopped - never bought off the street or internet - I regret that I wasn't forced to do that - and I will tell you why - I consider myself a reasonable person of average intelligence - and I am sure the alarms would have sounded should I have found myself in a back alley or flipping thru a phone book - searching for DR - but no I - like you - was prescribed 2 highly addictive opiates that would in turn take 10 years out of my life - 10 LONG LONG years. I have a condition called papillary necrosis - basically kidney failure - I have lost one and the other bleeds continuously - with symptoms mimicing kidney stones - pretty darn painful - but not as painful as the grip of addiction - I choose to live out the rest of my days - outside the fog - feeling life - removing the lens of drugs - getting reacquainted with my authentic self - even though a tad uncomfortable at times - and facing the denial I have been in for 10 LONG LONG years.
I too am not hear to judge you - but only you know the truth - and you sound like a bright individual - only you know what you are feeling as you read this - my gosh - for years I denied and justified my addiction - even though there were signs along the way - I broke my leg 4 years ago and had to have a plate put in - I found myself asking for refills when I honestly knew I wasn't in pain - we may be addicts but we are not stupid - I knew when I was standing at the pharmacy counter - picking up those un-needed scrips - that I was a drug addict - I had a cast on my leg - so it LOOKED good - but I was still a drug addict - also addicts have another curse and that is the ability and desire to suffer from perceived pain - a Dr is trained to listen to the patient and believe what they are saying - many of us - do not look like the typical "junkie" begging for drugs when we sit in that little room - waiting for the DR - only you know if all you have told him is the truth -
Deb - I have a question for you - if they were to come out with a miracle drug tomorrow - non narcotic - not addictive - no feeling of euphoria - would you run - not walk to the clinic to be the first to sign on - and bring all your meds with you to turn in? Not sure what your answer is - and you do not even need to answer - but you do need to ask yourself that question - it will be all telling - well I am sure I have gone on too long - and again I so hope you understand where we are coming from - I have a feeling you do - I have just been thru the worse 6 DAYS of my life and at the same time the best 6 days of my life - if I can admit to it - accept it and kick it - so can you - I reach out my hand to you - and I give you a hug - you are in my thoughts,

TTT

[TTTDogs]

Sara - sorry to bog down your thread with the last post - just wanted you to know that I so agree with ARTIST - she really knows what she is talking about - a Al anon meeting would be the best for you - along with the support of this forum - we are here for you and woud love to see things work out - but you must set those bounderies - and protect your future as well!

Good luck and hugs, TTT

[Sarahjuanita]

Hi all! just a little update.
I have attended a local al-anon meeting. It was good. It didn't answer all of my questions but as it says go at least 6 times before making my decision. I will do that. And as for my boyfriend-Matt, he is holding alot of guilt, and for some reason; I want him too. I want him to know and feel how much he hurt me. Ya should see his ass, offering to buy me things, get me a puppy...anything he could to make the situation better. lol. As for me, I feel like I'm going crazy. It's sad when I want a person to hurt, but godammit I want his ass to feel what the ******** I felt. Again I love him> so very much, but a hard head makes a soft ass. I will eventually break down and start showing him love again. I just want him to understand the situation he put me in. and he's going to his meetings to at AA/NA.

[Debpurpletiger]

OK.....I just don't get it, I really don't.

1.) I post my condition with my signature simply to be honest, and to let people know what I am dealing with, that's all

2.) YES, I was as active addict and went thru hell during that period of time.

3.) After 2 Dr.'s, 5 MRI's, a P/T consult, 2 Physiotherapy consults, 3 steroid injections, one trigger point injection, and 2 surgical consults, I have been told: This is a chronic, non-surgical problem that I have 2 options: One is Narcotics for the Chronic pain - pain that is so bad I can not get out of bed in the morning. Or two: suffer. I have been 100% HONEST on this board, I have told everyone my situation, and I have tried to offer any advice that I could.

4.) I still have not seen an "MD" after any of your names.....therefore, how do you feel you know better than all the Dr.'s I have seen? Do I ever get any credit for being honest? No.

5.) If there was a miracle pill or treatment that I could take that would allow me to function as a normal, pain free person, YES I would take it in a second. I KNOW I am on dangerous ground with my "recovering" Addict behavior and now needing chronic pain meds. However, with over a year clean, still going to N/A 2 to 3 times a week, having a wonderful family support system who knows ALL my History and is always on the lookout for the "relapse signs" because we all know, the RELAPSE itself is preceeded by many steps and behaviors, by my Dr.'s KNOWING my Addiction and what I have went through with it, with them counting my pills at every visit, with me NEVER taking more than prescribed...I think...no, I KNOW I am doing pretty damn good.

I KNOW there are more people in this world who are recovering addicts who are now in Chronic Pain...I am not the only one.

6.) By being straight up honest to you all instead of hiding and lying about my condition...I feel that deserves some damn credit.

I am NOT being defensive.....I just get real tired of trying to help a fellow poster in a situation and then having MYSELF get slammed for doing so.

Constructive critisism...I take it from you people every day...but when a person asks a question asking for help or advice, and I think I might have something to offer by speaking up.....it seems the subject switches IMMEDIATELY to ME and not to the person who asked for help.

I can't get any more Honest with you people than I have. If I have NOTHING to offer anyone, so be it. Skip by my replies. Your comments to me, do NOT help the original poster.....

But I have been to hell and back and have experience in some things and Damnit, what helps keep me sober is knowing that there ARE others in my situation and just maybe, can take a sentence or two from my reply. At the VERY LEAST, they will know someone is reading and caring.

I wish the best for you, Sarahjuanita, with your situation, and I am sorry your serious question got sidetracked by my situation.

Maybe I will just create a new account and say nothing about me at all...but you know what? If I asked advice, and someone answered me who also had/has some other issues, I would be thankful for their honestly. Because sometimes the only advice you can trust is from someone who has been there.

So, instead of attacking me...think about the Honesty I put in every post - I don't think a lot of active or recovering addicts would be so honest...and I can SURELY understand why. However, I KNOW that lying makes any slippery slope even more slippery...so I choose Honesty over lying, or lying by omission any day.

[Sarahjuanita]

I thought this post was to give advice, not bash other people. It's about me here people!
<3
Sarah

[Debpurpletiger]

You are absolutely, 100% correct. This was/is a serious question that YOU posted...I simply replied with what MY experience was, hoping I could help you in some way,

I hope that others realize, that YOU are the one with the situation which is why you asked for help.

The people who went off on a tangent on ME was UNCALLED for....

I hope the remainder of the posts you receive are in answer to YOUR question/situation.

I do hope I did offer you something to relate to, as that was my purpose for responding to you.

[htoth19]

Deb, do you have a facebook page?

~Heather

[MaisieC]

Originally Posted by Sarahjuanita

Hi all! just a little update.
I have attended a local al-anon meeting. It was good. It didn't answer all of my questions but as it says go at least 6 times before making my decision. I will do that. And as for my boyfriend-Matt, he is holding alot of guilt, and for some reason; I want him too. I want him to know and feel how much he hurt me. Ya should see his ass, offering to buy me things, get me a puppy...anything he could to make the situation better. lol. As for me, I feel like I'm going crazy. It's sad when I want a person to hurt, but godammit I want his ass to feel what the ******** I felt. Again I love him> so very much, but a hard head makes a soft ass. I will eventually break down and start showing him love again. I just want him to understand the situation he put me in. and he's going to his meetings to at AA/NA.

Hi Sarahjuanita,

I'm really glad you liked the meeting. I would really encourage you to keep going back. It's the best way for you to learn about the disease and how YOU can keep your life going without getting totally hi-jacked by his stuff. My dad was an alcoholic, and my mother got very involved in doing the co-dependent thing, and their marriage really became a wreck because of it.

You're in a confusing place right now, and the meetings can give you the information to deal with what's happening and decide what you want to do.

One thing you guys both need is to learn a straightforward way to talk about his addiction and the effect it's having on the relationship. Wherever there's an addict, there's drama. And drama is usually the enemy of healthy relationships. So the guilt he's feeling, and the way he's groveling, and the punishment you want to inflict on him (and believe me, I understand how you feel)--it's all getting in the way of dealing with the problem in a straightforward way. And the drama actually ends up enabling him to keep using. The meetings--both his and yours--will help you guys find a way to deal with it in a calmer way.

Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

Take care,
Maisie

[ARTIST658]

Sarah,

I realize this thread is about you. However, keep in mind, this is the internet - not one-on-one personal therapy with a professional counselor.

I saw something very alarming along this thread - and having NO other way to contact the person, I posted here. She has since developed her own thread about her issues - and I responded there, as have others. She continues to fire up posts around this site all about how I "bashed" her, instigating folks to react just as you did. Sadly, she refuses to respond to our responses on HER thread.

The "advice" she is dispensing truly frightens me, as newly sober folks may suffer dearly, if mislead. That is why I spoke up. I felt it was essential to write, before others tried to follow her advice, leading them back into the horrific nightmare of active addiction.

We discuss a life-and-death disease on this forum, and if "protocal" of staying to the subject of one person is not followed, that's forgivable. I felt it was called for, as the issue was grave. (I often see "off-topic" responses for far less serious issues, and I think we all understand.)

This site is not about "bashing" - and I don't believe I did that, at all. This is one helluva disease, very insidious - and sometimes, direct confrontation is called for. Nevertheless, I did so respectfully and compassionately, as I always try to do.

I have compassion for your situation, as well, and have tried to help. I apologize for interrupting your thread, but hope you will understand.

Blessings,
Ruth

[HenryNCBA]

Hello Sarahjuanita,
Are you on facebook or anything like that? I think that some answers and things would be better off not listed on this forum as it seems to be causing much perplextiy.
I think that we all need to just cool off and back down. What is done is done and is water under the bridge. Everyone means well but needs to stay focused on the topic matter and not take things personally. That does no one especially themselves any good.
You hit upon a touchy subject for many folks and everyone is different so there will be many different opinions all based on their personal experiences, visions, personalities, etc...
Let me know and I will go accordingly.

Henry

[MaisieC]

Originally Posted by HenryNCBA

Hello Sarahjuanita,
Are you on facebook or anything like that? I think that some answers and things would be better off not listed on this forum as it seems to be causing much perplextiy.
I think that we all need to just cool off and back down. What is done is done and is water under the bridge. Everyone means well but needs to stay focused on the topic matter and not take things personally. That does no one especially themselves any good.
You hit upon a touchy subject for many folks and everyone is different so there will be many different opinions all based on their personal experiences, visions, personalities, etc...
Let me know and I will go accordingly.

Henry

Hi Henry,

I'm not sure I understand your post. Are you suggesting that Sarahjuanita should no longer post here about her boyfriend and his addiction? Is this because another issue blew up on this thread? If so, I don't think that's quite right. We have had lots of discussions here with people who are dealing with addicted partners, and it seems to me they were perfectly appropriate for drugs.com and helpful to lots of people. Am I misunderstanding you? I hope this thread can go forward and people can focus on Sarahjuanita and the issues she's raised.

Take care,
Maisie

[HenryNCBA]

Originally Posted by MaisieC

Hi Henry,

I'm not sure I understand your post. Are you suggesting that Sarahjuanita should no longer post here about her boyfriend and his addiction? Is this because another issue blew up on this thread? If so, I don't think that's quite right. We have had lots of discussions here with people who are dealing with addicted partners, and it seems to me they were perfectly appropriate for drugs.com and helpful to lots of people. Am I misunderstanding you? I hope this thread can go forward and people can focus on Sarahjuanita and the issues she's raised. Take care,
Maisie

Hello Maisie,
Nothing like that at all. I was just asking if she was on facebook is all. If she is and wishes to communicate there that is fine too. Some people feel intimidated sometimes so I was just offering a alternative is all. No harm meant in the slightest. This thread should and needs to go on. I have others that communicate some questions to me directly for what ever reasons and they feel more comfortable in getting someones opinon in a more private setting where so many others don't see the communicatiions. I am not trying to take away anything and if that is how it is interpreted then my apologies. Oppsss forgot to mention that people can post and do what ever they feel. I am no one to tell anyone what to do and can only suggest just as anyone else can is all.
Hope that clarifies things.
Have a wonderful evening Maisie!

Henry

[Sarahjuanita]

Yes, I have a facebook page.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?...92747&ref=name
You guys have helped me so much as an additional outlet.
I just wanted you guys to know that.
<3
Love you all!

[HenryNCBA]

Originally Posted by Sarahjuanita

Yes, I have a facebook page.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?...92747&ref=name
You guys have helped me so much as an additional outlet.
I just wanted you guys to know that.
<3
Love you all!

Hi Sarajuanita,
I sent you a memo.

Henry

[Sarahjuanita]

okay,
I have decided to move out of the situation this Friday. I can't handle it anymore. I found basically the same drug paraphernalia hidden in a swiss miss box. He claims he hasn't used since the fateful day I caught him last time, but guess what? I don't believe him. He cannot provide for me at all. I've recently found out that I am pregnant with his baby. I am getting an abortion! there is NO way I am having this baby with him like that- and I'm not ready for it. Do NOT get me wrong. I do not condone this procedure but it's the only way for me. Before I came to this decision, I was gonna stick it out with him, despite him not having good hygiene and cleaning after him self. We had discussed what we wanted for xmas, I wanted a dog and he wanted a ps3 with games. He told me with my first paycheck from my job I can pay the money to hold the dog???!!!!!????
WTF Do I need you for? That defeats the purpose of a XMAS present!!!!! That was the last ********ing straw for me and It made me realized that he would never be able to treat me like a queen that I am.
I am through. I just started a fabulous new job, and with my first check this friday, I am getting the hell outta here!

[MaisieC]

Wow, I'm really sorry it's come to this, but you gave him a chance and he made it pretty clear what he's all about. He's not going to change--at least not now--and it sounds like staying with him would mean many years of heartache. I'm sorry he's put you through this.

Have you continued going to meetings?

Hang in there, and take care of yourself,
Maisie

[Sarahjuanita]

Originally Posted by MaisieC

Wow, I'm really sorry it's come to this, but you gave him a chance and he made it pretty clear what he's all about. He's not going to change--at least not now--and it sounds like staying with him would mean many years of heartache. I'm sorry he's put you through this.

Have you continued going to meetings?

Hang in there, and take care of yourself,
Maisie

No, I've been working 16 hour days since october 22nd( I count money for a living!!!!). I am through. I can't deal with someone who can't control themselves. Maybe I am being too harsh, but godammit I wouldn't have it any other way.
Thank you guys for all the love and support