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Please Help advice needed
  1. #1
    gamomma is offline Member
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    Default Please Help advice needed

    My husband and I got clean together 6 months ago BUT I Believe He Is Using Again!!! His pupils are constricted he says his vision is blurred like a film over his eyes and they are watery like allergies but I took him to the eye dr there is nothing wrong he gets mad way to easily blows up freaks out lies about where he goes nods out he cares about nothing and noone and tells me I'm crazy and just want to fight please tell me what the heck else could make all these things happen I do not want to go down this road again what do I do

  2. #2
    MP5
    MP5 is offline Member
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    Get him to take a drug test. If he is clean he would be glad to do it to prove he is clean. If he has a fit about taking the test......well that should tell you something. Home drug tests are cheap and accurate these days. Keep us posted.

    Mike
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  3. #3
    ClassiqueMom is offline Senior Member
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    home drug tests? tell me more, mike, please..

    didn't know there was such a thing??? .. for if you're pregnant or not, yeah.. i knew that!! *L*
    but? home drug tests for opiates?? .. hmm.. didn't know they existed..

    as cheeky would say, gQQgle is my friend..

    sorry to interrupt your thread, gamomma..
    allll my best! and prayers!, too!
    Classique MoM
    P - R - A - Y - E - R
    When life gets too hard to stand...KNEEL !

  4. #4
    MP5
    MP5 is offline Member
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    Hey MoM, Not sure if you are being serious or pulling my chain. But, yup there is such a thing, most pharmacy's carry 5 panel drug tests, and there are plenty on line. I have never used a pregnancy test my self, as I would assume it would always be negative , but I would imagine it is close to the same. You pee in a sterile container, take the kit out of the box, remove the "cap", submerge partially as instructed, and it will change colors or make one line for positive, two lines for negative. I think they run around $20-$30. They are fairly accurate.


    As cheeky would say Google is your friend.


    Mike


    P.S.- Sorry I have been MIA, I have been in mexico fishing, just got back.

  5. #5
    ClassiqueMom is offline Senior Member
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    hi mike!
    no! .. i wasn't kidding! i really NEVER heard of home 'drug' tests!!
    (and just threw in the pregnancy test comment, cause, (truly! of course), i knew there IS such a thing as that..

    absolutely hope it would turn out negative if YOU did one .. it's mike! not michelle *L*..

    i DID google it! ..
    BUT!! would never have known about them, if you didn't bring it up, so THANX! bunches!
    (and you're right, it (home drug test) does pretty much work the same (as a pregnancy test does)

    hope you had a great trip! and glad u arrived back home safely!

    much appreciation!
    Classique MoM
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    P - R - A - Y - E - R
    When life gets too hard to stand...KNEEL !

  6. #6
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by gamomma View Post
    My husband and I got clean together 6 months ago BUT I Believe He Is Using Again!!! His pupils are constricted he says his vision is blurred like a film over his eyes and they are watery like allergies but I took him to the eye dr there is nothing wrong he gets mad way to easily blows up freaks out lies about where he goes nods out he cares about nothing and noone and tells me I'm crazy and just want to fight please tell me what the heck else could make all these things happen I do not want to go down this road again what do I do

    Dear Gamomma,

    I agree with the suggestion of the drug testing.

    Keep in mind - you are new to recovery, and you need to focus as much as possible on your own recovery program. Are you getting to meetings? Are you hooked up with a sponsor? Are you working on the 12 steps? These things are essential to your continued success. Don't allow yourself to be so distracted by what he's up to, that you fall short on the things you need to do.

    It's possible that he's having a harder time of the psychological and emotional aspects of new recovery. Our emotions have been numbed by the drugs, and we struggle with figuring out how to deal with our emotions, without turning to a pill. It can create some craziness, as we act out our emotions like a pre-teen.

    it's always a risky thing for both members of a couple to get clean at the same time. If one stumbles, it's all-too-often that the other will stumble, too. Just keep doing your meetings - maybe offer to go to some together - but your primary focus has to be you. Your recovery has to come first in your life, or your disease will manage to weasel a foot in the door.

    God bless,
    Ruth

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  7. #7
    gamomma is offline Member
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    Ruth
    thanks so much I am in NA meetings daily and oworking the steps its just hard because I only used for one year my hubby 14 and I beat them rather easily he has struggled much more than I did he refuses to go to NA meeting s with me he has started hanging out with his dealer again I caught him nodding out with a cigarette in his. hand last night all the signs are there even. our. son. believes he is using again he is a mean and. violent. person when using he has these rages and. I. get very scared. when he has then I do not want. to live that way again I'm afraid. to sleep I'm afraid. he will burn the house down he came close. many. times before he doesn't sleep much again I am. pretty. positive he is using and I try not to focus on. that but one of the. main reasons for getting clean. was we lost our niece 8 months. ago to an overdose. and I am terrified he will next I am so. sad. because I've worked hard and do not want that life anymore I. love living sober and clean I just don't know what to do stay and. risk my own sobriety or try to find help for him again I'm so lost

  8. #8
    gamomma is offline Member
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    Mike
    Thanksi tried to get him to take one already he refuses of course says he shouldn't have to prove to me that he is clean so I guess I got my answer I just don't know what to do

  9. #9
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by gamomma View Post
    Ruth
    thanks so much I am in NA meetings daily and oworking the steps its just hard because I only used for one year my hubby 14 and I beat them rather easily he has struggled much more than I did he refuses to go to NA meeting s with me he has started hanging out with his dealer again I caught him nodding out with a cigarette in his. hand last night all the signs are there even. our. son. believes he is using again he is a mean and. violent. person when using he has these rages and. I. get very scared. when he has then I do not want. to live that way again I'm afraid. to sleep I'm afraid. he will burn the house down he came close. many. times before he doesn't sleep much again I am. pretty. positive he is using and I try not to focus on. that but one of the. main reasons for getting clean. was we lost our niece 8 months. ago to an overdose. and I am terrified he will next I am so. sad. because I've worked hard and do not want that life anymore I. love living sober and clean I just don't know what to do stay and. risk my own sobriety or try to find help for him again I'm so lost

    Dear Gamomma,

    Odds are, if you try to focus on getting him clean - when he doesn't want it - your recovery will be at risk.

    I've often said that the best way to get a loved one to want recovery... is to help them to reach their bottom. It means you STOP doing anything that makes it easier for him to use - and you do whatever you can to allow him to feel the full consequences of using. This takes courage. This means you decide what "ultimatum" YOU can live with - and then you tell him exactly what the boundary is. But - from there - you MUST follow through, or any future boundary won't be taken seriously.

    For example, you tell him, "Either take this drug test NOW - or one of us moves out today." And then you follow through on it. It will give him a TREMENDOUS message - that drug use is not going to be tolerated in this marriage. It tells him that, basically, he must choose between you and the drugs. It bring him to feel a new "bottom" to his drug addiction. And - it preserves your recovery.

    It may not be what you WANT to do - but it may be what you HAVE to do. This is a life or death disease, and sometimes, it takes heroic measures to save ourselves - or save our loved ones.

    There's NO reason for him to refuse a drug test - other than if he is using. Don't let him con you or manipulate you with guilt or tears. ("How can you do this to me? Why don't you trust me?" etc...etc...) Stand firm - you're standing up to a powerful disease.

    God bless,
    Ruth

    PS You may benefit from going to some Alanon or Naranon meetings, too. I usually don't suggest them before a person has a year sober, but in your situation, it may be wise to do so now...
    MP5 and toni.s. like this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  10. #10
    gamomma is offline Member
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    I agree with you 100% he is a master manipulator and he knows exactly how to get to me I have been with him almost 26 years since I was 14 years old but I have been being strong I'm planning on leaving because that seems to be his only bottom losing me nit his children or any of the rest of his family but I went through this same thing a few years ago him lying to my face daily nodding out in the middle of conversations nodding out with lit cigaretts and burning my bed and carpets in our home before I had them changed they looked like a cheap drug motel floor due to all the burns from him so I left stayed gone a couple months he said he was clean acted clean but 4 months later I found pills he dropped in my car so I know it is the only way but I will not come back this time until he is clean for a long time I can't and wont live this way again I am going to see about Alanon and stay in my NA meetings and seeing my councelor because I know this disease is deadly my niece lost the battle less than a year ago 27 years old two children and drugs stold everything from her and them it just hurts so bad that he can lie to my face again when I know the signs and he calls me crazy and that I love to fight that destroys me I just want a normal happy drug free life

  11. #11
    mottam is offline Advanced Member
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    gamomma:
    Husband/Addict/Male's perspective:

    There was nothing more to me - nothing that rocked my world more than my wife taking my children and leaving me during my active use. NOT threatening - action. But that was my bottom.

    In NA, they teach us sometimes we have to hit new bottoms to finally surrender. We all know what that bottom can sometimes be unfortunately...

    That is my experience - I have no opinions for you. I can tell you, from my experience - the loss of my family was enough then. The thought of it happening again sustains me for another 24. I do not know if tomorrow will be the same.

    Where am I going with this? You got some very good advice from Ruth. We addicts are like children - give us an inch, we will take a yard. You stated you want a "normal happy drug free life"? Ask yourself: "Can I have a normal happy drug free life if my partner in life is actively using daily"?

    Best of luck.
    In my prayers.

    mottam
    toni.s. likes this.
    Persistency is consistency

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