[Opee]

Originally Posted by caughtagain

Hey, one other thing, you should start a new thread. It makes it easier to follow. ( i would tell you how, but I have no clue) Maybe someone else could start you one and call it Opee's thread....

That's what the thread could be called, I suppose. I have no idea how to do it either. I've played around and this site is sort of clunky. I know the success ratio vs. not relapsing is low. Not a whole lot to follow, since I feel good today (since I took the last of them). But, that works out well, actually. The start of a fresh month, Day 1 being Sep 1 is easier to track. I guess since the car business runs in cycles of a month, my mind works that way, too. Thanks for the positive support, I really do appreciate it. I just feel like such a cheese for this cycls of kicking/posting, then using and dropping out of site, etc.

But, my heart is good, I appreciate you saying that. It's easy to look at the negative things we do and not focus on the positive.

Not a whole lot else to say at this point, the clock starts again [again] tomorrow. On the plus, I already fielded and declined a call today for some Oxycodone's which happen later today. But, I said, "no thanks" so off we go!

Opee

[caughtagain]

Opee, right on man. I am not sure I ever shared this with you, but my addiction has cost me too and made me feel not so good. I have lied, cheeted stole, made up storys. I lost a wife, I lost a degree, I was being investigated for dr shopping before it became the in thing (or reported thing). I used to go around and pose as a Dr that was just ou of town and had an ache. NOT GOOD. But man, I was off to the races for many years and never looked at what I was doing, Never, ever. I just looked at it as I am in my 20's and that is what kids do. Boy was I wrong. THen one mornig, I woke up, no money, no way to get more pills, no food, just a job. So I focused on my job, got the flu and got clean. But boy I hated myself for who I bacame. THat is one of the reasons it was easier to see where I was going this time around. I hurt my back last year. Bad enough to put me down for one week. After that an MRI showed 3 discs blown and one dr who just wanted to make me comfortable. It was weird because I was not chasing like last time, he would give them to me, but he kept supplying. Then My GF lost both of her parents in 6 weeks. I started using to numb.... So as time went by I knew the path I was leading down and I knew I did not want to end up where I was last time. I had rose up the corporate ladder and there was zero chance I was going where I had been. But I was using, so I quicky after 6 months switched from Gobbling oxys right to Vicodin. My Doc kept supplying me, because he saw in me that I was harder on myself. About 8 months in, that is when I started posting and eventually saw you and Said.. It is now time. In my business, it is also a sales based publication. So I also understand your "cycle" The point is, I feel like I lived on the darkside for so many years. And I hate mysef for a lot of those years. I would wonder if my pillow at night would be soft. I am not sure if you ever heard this one but, "a clear conscious creates a soft pillow". Well suffice to say for many years my pillow felt like a rock and still does some time. I have many only ifs. but I also have some, I am thankful for's too. So Opee as you start tomorrow, start with the hope that this will be it. You ARE positive, be honest, and just know that this thing called addiction is hard, humbling, humiliating and many other things. But coming through to the other side is AWESOME. Wrap your head around how proud you were of what you did, instead of beating yourself up for what you did not do. Opee, read your own posts, embrace it and lets kick this thing. No matter what bad comes, remember, that the good of being clean far outweighs the A$$ of WD. We have ALL lost, but WE are also lucky to have stumbled upon this site too. And I consider myself lucky to have found it and found you, for without either i would be in a bad place. Thanks Opee, now lets help you get clean and stay that way.. your friend CA "“Yesterday Is History, Tomorrow Is A Mystery, But Today Is A Gift. That Is Why It Is Called The Present.”

Opee,

The past is past you cannot change it, nobody can, I am sure you have heard that corny line a million times but it is true. On the surface I seem like Mr. Wonderful but I am on my technically 3rd relapse. You are far ahead of many others you admit the problem and take responsibility for it, there are few in this country these days that are willing to go that far. Cut off your sources of pills, do not put yourself in situations that tempt you to use them and start over. September 1st sounds perfect !!

We will be here to support you, post every hour if you have to.

Stay the course and best wishes.

AFSGTSAM

[Opee]

Man, you guys are like family. I didn't know that about you CA, how far back it went and just how damn similar we are. I read both you and AFSGTSAM's posts twice. They really sunk in. One of the worst things is that I've always known what I am and didn't care. I did it anyway. I got popped Dr. shopping in Feb, not cool at at all. They let it go, but suffice it to say, I won't be returning, nor would I be welcome. Everything is tracked these days, Big Brother, 1984, whatever you want to refer to it as.

I am being hard on myself, maybe too hard, but that keeps me steady, focused. I foresee many saunas this week. I already feel like ******** and it's ionly been 6 hours since I used. I hate 750's, there is so much APAP and other trash that I only touch them as a last resort. I have to take so many, the additional garbage doesn't necessarily make the hydro buzz worth it.

Posing as an out of town Dr., that takes balls of bronze, Man. I've done some shady ******** myself, but nothing like that. Just lied, cheated and stolen. Thanks again for the responses and encouragement. AND for sharing some of your past. It made a difference today.

Your Pal,

Opee

[caughtagain]

Hey Opee, good morning. Yeah, I was a liar allright. I was a dean's list Pre Med student that had been through 10 operations at the time and knew what I needed to say to get what I wanted. I am not proud of it and I hated myself. But I kept at it. I looked older, I could talk the talk. There were few times I would get shut down, heck sometimes I would end up getting comped as a professional courtesy from the doc I saw. Walking out of an office with a script of 60 percocet and a pat on the back saying take care, no charge. I WAS A PUTZ. To show you how far along. To show you how screwed up I was, My Aunt was visiting me when I was in Florida. I was married, and I wanted to take her to this place st armands circle to sight see, But I needed to get some pills. So I found a Dr's office that would see me for my "back pain" I told my aunt I was doing research and had to check out some stuff at the Dr;s office, all BS. I go see the Doc, I get a script. So I meet up with my aunt and go get it filled right in the circle. (small mom and pop pharmacy). My Aunt decides to wait outside, I forget what I told her I was doing it was so long ago. Anyway, I walk in an go to get the script filled and there was no one there. Yet, he kept putting me off and I see him on the phone. But the addict in me waits it out. THe next thing I know three cops come in, two from the front and one from the back. NOw here I am, my Aunt is outside and I am about ready to get busted. ***** Long story short, they did not take me in because I was not wanted but told me one of the dentists turned me in and I was being investigated. I walked out, my aunt never knew, but that changed my life, oh wait.... NO it didn't I went and visited the detective, admitted I had a problem and apologized. I did this in an investigation room, being taped etc.. Scared the ******** out of me, but after he called me to tell me he lost my confession and said my honesty was important. I went right back to using.. THe point is, everyone has their cross to bear. I used for a bit longer and then just quit fro years. i have lost so much, but I hang on to the fact that I KNOW i am a strong individual, because I came back from the depths of hell. I still beat myself up and don't even know if I will ever truely love myself. All I do know is I was sent to this site for a reason and at 44. im not going back, and I believe in you that you can do this Opee. That is why I am sharing. your friend CA

[Opee]

THAT is some crazy ********. I had a blow up at Walgreens (I went to a different one) after my nasal surgery in Feb. The manager wouldn't fill my scrip, said it was too early and she wouldn't do it til tomorrow. I start screaming that my surgeon seems to think it's OK and I put alot more faith in his medical opinion than I do in yours! You are nothing more than a clerk. Like at the grocery store. So listen up "clerk" sack up my pills, take my money and I'll get the ******** out of here. Thank God my brother was there, he was looking after me after the surgery. He just put his hand on my shoulder and said quietly, "Jeff. Not like this, Man." I stopped, composed myself, demanded my scrip and went across the street to Kroger's who promptly and pleasantly filled it. It reminded me of the episode of LOST (if you watch it) a few seasons ago when Jack was all whacked on OC's and had a similar experience ina pharmacy, except I used alot more bad language. Not a cool day for Jeff. Funny thing is, 2 months ago that very manager came in and bought a car and I did her paperwork. She looked at me like she remembered me from somewhere but couldn't place it. I was pleasant and jammed a warranty on her. Felt good. A nurse at my Dr's office was buying a car last night and we have had blow ups over the phone over Darvocet refills. She was nice and left me with a religious pamphlet. Weird, a little inappropriate, but I acccepted it and read it. I would call her a good judge of character.

So, Day 1 and I feel awful. It really does get worse every time. All the familiar symptons. The overall cloudy, just rubbery feeling is the worst. Legs don't want to move, stomach issues (yes, those issues), RLS, whole bit. It sucks, but I am working and somehow doing it. Just like I've done 80 times before over the last 6 months. I did sleep last night but was woken by garbage trucks at 6am. I hate Tuesday (trash day). All I want to do is lay down somewhere and fell ********py. Feels like a real bad hangover, just all over blah feeling and absolutely NO energy.

Thanks for the history CA, it broadens my picture. I appreciate it. May the next hour pass quickly, then the next, then the next.......

Opee

[Opee]

Hey, CA, for the record: You are one cool mofo.

[caughtagain]

I hope you don't think any less of me for sharing. I have NEVER told anyone those stories. But I just want you to know I care. Just take minute by minute Opee, and remember at the end of the day put that X on the calender and put some time in. You saved me man, Now lets get you well. CA

[Opee]

Originally Posted by caughtagain

I hope you don't think any less of me for sharing. I have NEVER told anyone those stories. But I just want you to know I care. Just take minute by minute Opee, and remember at the end of the day put that X on the calender and put some time in. You saved me man, Now lets get you well. CA

Quite frankly, I think more of you. I've taken advantage of my mother's Darvocet's for years and lied to her. Makes you feel like ********. You can't move forward if you don't know where you've been.

It's a rough one. Taking Klonopin and Immodium, but it isn't helping. The stomach cramping is the worst. It's like, ********, Man, why does my stomach hurt so much? That's always one of my worst side effects. I remember Riff saying he was dealing with it at Day 9, not sure I can hang THAT long. If I hadn't abused off time so much in the past, I'd take a few days but that is not an option. I'm on thin ice with that ******** and have no choice but to "gut it out." Now if I could just get rid of this grimace of pain I'd be ready to talk to a customer. Cripes, I feel like ********. I can't even put my finger on one thing. Freezing my ass off while everyone is in short sleeves. Today is a bad day as the Sales Mgr is off and it's just me and my boss the General Manager. He doesn't like me as much as he used to so we pretty much avoid eachother, which works fine for me. Tomorrow he's off and it's just me and the Sales Manager and we're equals, he stays out of my hair. Then, finally, Thursday I am off. Just dreaming about lying on my couch and drifting in and out of consciousness on the couch. That sounds liek absolute heaven right now.

I appreciate the statement, "you saved me, now let's get you well."

Opee

[caughtagain]

Opee, just take minute by minute, words I know you have heard, but true none the less. ALong with the immodium with the opiate base, maybe think about some peppermint or ginger tea. That helped my stomach big time. And as you told me also, stay hydrated. and pretty soon you will be putting that first X on the calender. CA

[caughtagain]

one more thing, I just left a message on Melinda's thread and asked her to help you or set up a thread for you.. You are going to kick it for good this time Opee, I know IT!!!!! CA

[caughtagain]

Ok Opee one of the gang started a thread for you. Start using that one.. CA

[Opee]

As soon as I can find it I will use it. I suck at manipulating this site......help?!