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One is too many, 1000 is not enough- One last time w/d
  1. #1
    oneistoomany is offline Member
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    Default One is too many, 1000 is not enough- One last time w/d

    Hello everyone,

    It has been 15 hours since my last pill. I HATE this disease!! I went through awful withdrawals off of Opana in March of last year. I made it through determined to never go through withdrawals again-- and here I am. So scared, so ashamed and so very angry at myself.

    I found myself in a situation where I could have opiates readily available to me. I resisted for a long time, but after a difficult day my brain said, "Just take one, like a glass of wine. It won't hurt." and I did. and I did and I did and I did. This morning I flushed every opiate available to me. I am taking Immodium for the diarreha, Benadryl for the anxiety, bananas for a bit of dopamine, and lots and lots of water.

    My habit only got to 1 30mg morphine sulphate, time released, 2 times a day. So 60 mgs a day. I tapered to 15 mgs a day, then jumped off last night.

    So far the withdrawals are minor compared to the Opana withdrawals (that were HELL), but still really, really uncomfortable.

    HATE the crawling skin, I think I am in for a long night. I am so disappointed in myself.

  2. #2
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and tell yourself "this is it" We have all (at least most) have gone through what you are going through, and in my case I just said F * it and never looked back. Know that we are here for you, but just get angry at the symptoms and don't let "them" win. Each day, mark off a big X on the calender and let them build up. Also, if you can get some cardio in, that will help with the natural endorphins.... We are here for you. Don't beat yourself up, just take one second at a time right now and post as much as you can. This can be your journal to you and frankly to help others. They will see you making it and get inspired to do the same. All my best..............CA

  3. #3
    oneistoomany is offline Member
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    Thanks caughtagain, this is such a humbling experience. Dumb addicts brain, thinking we can "just" take one pill. The very fact that I was taking a pill to deal with stress should have sent red flags all over the place that this was addictive behavior-- but the brain rationalizes. And the high is so nice-- but only 1 or 2 times, then you have to take the stupid pills just to feel normal. I MUST remember this. Then you take the pills for a period of time to get this normal feeling-- oh and the stress of knowing that you have totally screwed up and will feel the pain of withdrawals again. SUCH stress knowing that this day would come-- knowing how much withdrawal hurts.

    But I am strong. I have done this before. I am in charge of this being the last time I ever ever ever have to feel like this again. (must remember this too)

    16 hours since my last pill.

  4. #4
    Swanie is offline Member
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    oneistoomany~
    Your thread caught my eye because you said withdrawing from Opana was so horrible
    for you. Could you be a bit more specific about that? I know any opiate withdrawal
    has similiar symptoms but I was on Opana for a few months, after being on Kadian,
    and Kadian after being on M.S. Contin and finally ending up on methadone for a couple
    of months. I've always wondered if I was going through some sort of withdrawal during
    all those opiate changes. I've had a really difficult time withdrawing from all this but it's
    been over 5 weeks now and I'm hanging in there. You do the same, ok!!

  5. #5
    amanda28 is offline Member
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    SO proud of you for flushing your remaining pills. I'm going through a taper of my vicodin... and sometimes I wish I had the strength to flush them all- but I won't beat myself up over it... and I encourage you to do the same. I just had a really rough 24 hours -- and most of it was all mental, but the mental anxiety made me physically ill. The more you beat yourself up, the worse you will feel. So go in to this with confidence in yourself- be proud of the steps you have taken... you've done a GREAT job so far... just keep taking it minute by minute.

    You can do this... and you are certainly not alone.

  6. #6
    oneistoomany is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swanie View Post
    oneistoomany~
    Your thread caught my eye because you said withdrawing from Opana was so horrible
    for you. Could you be a bit more specific about that? I know any opiate withdrawal
    has similiar symptoms but I was on Opana for a few months, after being on Kadian,
    and Kadian after being on M.S. Contin and finally ending up on methadone for a couple
    of months. I've always wondered if I was going through some sort of withdrawal during
    all those opiate changes. I've had a really difficult time withdrawing from all this but it's
    been over 5 weeks now and I'm hanging in there. You do the same, ok!!
    I was on 80 mgs 2x a day of OpanaER. Sometimes I took more and that would put me short until my refill was due. My drs. office finally said no more early refills one month and it put me into withdrawals. I decided I had a problem and enough was enough and quit. I had every symptoms of opiate withdrawal at its worst. I rocked while laying on my couch for a week so miserable, it was almost (almost) unbearable. Opana has a long 1/2 life so the withdrawals took a longer (about 10 days.) My Opana w/d compared to what I am feeling so far this time was 10x worse than what I am going through now.

    However, I was taking much more of the opiate and for a longer period of time (I was on Opana for 2+ years)

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    oneistoomany is offline Member
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    Thank you Amanda!! Your post is what inspired me to get brave and start posting here. So happy you made the commitment to sobriety (I was so worried about you a few times in your thread!)

    It's weird sometimes I feel fine and then BAM I will get all creepy crawly under my skin and start jiggling my leg non-stop, I just started yawning and sneezing too- UGH! So uncomfortable-- the anxiety is getting to me too, but I am really trying to tell myself I am doing great--maybe I will start believeing it.

  8. #8
    oneistoomany is offline Member
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    18 hours-- just 6 more and I can mark my first X. So far the withdrawals are mild but uncomfortable: crawling skin, hot then cold, diarreaha, sneezing, yawning, moving, low energy-- Let's not go through this ever again, okay brain???

  9. #9
    amanda28 is offline Member
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    The yawning and sneezing and sweating during the day are the worst Ugh. And then the leg thing at night...

    18 hours is amazing. I saw somewhere to down as much water as you can handle. Your body is trying to rid yourself of these toxins... so help it! Or maybe it was gatorade... either way, hydrate as much as you can.

    Thanks for the encouragement... we're in this together... both unfortunately and fortunately (to have support)

  10. #10
    oneistoomany is offline Member
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    Thanks Amanda! I was reading a thread (as I have been doing all day) and someone copied in the Thomas recipe to the thread. I have seen this mentioned a few times, but never read it. It said a good mineral that has potassium... and I realized I have these great liquid mineral in my fridge-- just took some and I am hoping that will help with the moving. I also took a B100, that should help with my anxiety. AND water, water, water (Blech)

    Thank God I have my mom to take care of my daughter, although they both think I have, "the flu".

  11. #11
    jboss10 is offline Member
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    Hey "One"

    Like everyone has reiterated, don't beat yourself up about it! We all have been through a withdrawal in our life on this forum and it's a struggling consequence but a great insightful journey,to say the least. You will push through this last detox and won't ever look back. I say this so many times but if I can do this you can too, trust me. I know exactly what you are talking about with that "mental anxiety" it will eat you up I'm telling you. You can't dwell on it you just have to do some soul searching and keep active. The first two "ish" weeks of my Suboxone withdrawal were terrible because I isolated myself. I sat, did some more seating and that was about it. It wasn't until about two and a half weeks into things where I would find myself trying to do errands, walking, going to meetings that all made the difference. I'm just about a month off my Suboxone jump and I am feeling so much better, especially physically. The mental thing takes a long time, and all our brains heal differently. It depends on how long you were using, how old you are, male/female, what type of opiate you were using during the addiction. Many factors, but that doesn't matter, just take one day at a time. That is and was the greatest info I was ever given. Let me know if you need any help/tips/support as I am here for you You will do amazing in conquering this battle. Keep chugging!

    -Jboss

  12. #12
    bubbagene is offline Member
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    Well all I can say is hang in there. I done 2 C/T before and Iam on my third attempt at getting clean. I went the sub route this time along with some AA meetings. I think I will beat it this time.
    Good luck and hang in there.

  13. #13
    oneistoomany is offline Member
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    Thanks Bubba and Jboss!! I appreciate your words more than you know. I had such awful awful w/ds the first time I did this (with the Opana), I find myself sitting here waiting for "it" to happen. I am driving myself nuts with self-evaluation. Maybe tomorrow I will mosey on into work and see how it goes. Maybe the 30mgs was low enough (and for only 4 months) that it won't be as bad as last time? Well... time will tell. One hour at a time. One thing I do know, I am in total control as to if I ever feel this way again. Even mild withdrawals hurt.

    20 hours since my last pill.

  14. #14
    amanda28 is offline Member
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    Glad you got some supplements... I'm sure that will help a LOT! You're doing great- keep us updated.

  15. #15
    oneistoomany is offline Member
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    I went in to bed to try and get some shut eye and was so happy that I didn't have any movement in my body. Fell asleep for about 15 minutes and woke up in such a panic!! My heart was pounding so badly the bed was moving!! I got up, took some benadryll and here I sit. What The Heck?!? The Benadryl should calm my nerves--

    22 Hours since my last pill.

  16. #16
    jboss10 is offline Member
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    I know that same feeling. Man, Opana's huh? I dabbled with that once or twice in high school and boy oh boy were those strong.

    But listen, 22 hours is one heck of a start. You know what to expect when it comes to withdrawals and this time around won't be bad at all. You just have to go through the process. I know the counting thing as I did the same thing. The first 4-7 days was all about how many "hours" I had tackled. Feels good once you make that 3-4 day and before you know it you made it one complete week! Now it's been almost a month and I still count the "days" now but it's not as pertinent as it was in the beginning which I find to be good because it's not always on my mind.

    Just hang in there. You've been on the ropes once before so it won't feel so "unexpected" when symptoms come and go. I have the utter most support on your behalf. One little baby step at a time and you will destroy this thing!! Good luck!

    -Jboss

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    amanda28 is offline Member
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    OMG! YOU ARE SO CLOSE TO 24 HOURS... ONE ENTIRE DAY OF BEING PILL-FREE!!!

    AMAZING!!!

    Even in my taper, I have those moments of panic... I wake up in a panic about not taking another two pills. Or I sit at home alone, working, in a panic that I'm working and not taking a pill or two. It's SO psychological and then after that the other mental issues pop up- I feel the room move, or I feel the w/d symptoms a lot stronger... and I am so convinced that the more panicked I feel, the worse the other symptoms become.

    I hope the benadryl helps you with your anxiety... you said your mom thinks you have the flu? Have you told anyone about getting "clean"? (sorry if I missed that in an earlier post)

  18. #18
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Day one in the books. mark that X with pride. As far as your symptoms, just keep treating them. Banana's are a great source of pottasium. Water and gatorade are huge. Try to get as much fluid in you as possible. Also, there is a product out there call hylands restless leg that peope swear by. If you can grab some of that it might just help. I am proud of you! Keep going you are almost there........CA.. oh and one more thing, try to get some excercise in... Cardio helps big time

  19. #19
    oneistoomany is offline Member
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    Big X on day 1 done. It has been 34 hours since my last pill. While uncomfortable, this is no where near the withdrawals I went through with OpanaER. I slept off and on all night, actually got more hours than I thought. My symptoms this morning are dizzy, shaky (slight tremors) and slight anxiety.

    Amanda~ I tapered for a couple of days and went through the mental crud-- once I got rid of my pills I felt very scared, but in control for the first time in a long time. I won't tell my family this time, I did the last time and they were great. I am hoping this was just a bump in my road to recovery and I have finally learned my lesson.

    CA and jBoss~ Thank you very much.

  20. #20
    oneistoomany is offline Member
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    I was just thinking how very nice it is to not be counting pills, projecting that out, seeing how many more days I had, anticipating going off--then using more pills than I projected, recount the pills, see the date I will run out--oops now it is closer--and doing this over and over and over and over and over!!!

    Must remember this!!

    37 hours since my last pill.

  21. #21
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    that sure is one of the benefits.. Great way to think of it. Man, I remember doing that. I would count and recount. I would look in all the old hiding spaces and just hope I would find one more. hahah... like that would make a difference. That is why it is SO important to get rid of all your sources, or you will use them. Another X coming soon. Proud of you!......CA

  22. #22
    Swanie is offline Member
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    Good for you oneistoomany!!!

  23. #23
    amanda28 is offline Member
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    That is such a great point... to be free from all the calculations of tapering... what a relief.

    You're doing such a great job. How are you feeling now? Are you able to get up and move around?

  24. #24
    oneistoomany is offline Member
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    I just cleaned house a bit and actually ate real food (chicken rice soup.) I am a little wobbly, upset stomach and anxious, but for the most part doing okay--nothing like last time. Just feel "off"-- for the lack of a better word. I really think I dodged a bullet and got a bit lucky as far as the w/d symptoms go. This was one gigantic wake up call for me! I never, ever, ever want to go through this again-- and it is in my control to never have to feel this way again.

    39 hours since my last pill.

  25. #25
    oneistoomany is offline Member
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    I had a decent day -- not great, not awful- decent. I called my boss tonight and told her I would be in to work tomorrow morning. Ahhhhh.... the first day of the rest of my life. In 2 1/2 hours I will be 2 days clean.

    2 days of not counting pills.
    2 days of not anticipating withdrawals when the day came to detox
    2 days of walking down the right path of my life

    I never, ever have to go through this again. I am in total control of that-- now that is empowering!!

  26. #26
    amanda28 is offline Member
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    You are SO inspiring... I love what you've written about what you will never have to do again. It's very much the truth and SO empowering, I'm sure.

    I know it's hard for you right now, but the best part is knowing that it's all in your head... that your body is feeling ok, but your mind is playing games on you- and you are strong... you can beat this with your positivity and your ability to know what is best for YOU.

    Good luck with work tomorrow- it will probably help to be on a routine again!

  27. #27
    oneistoomany is offline Member
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    Another X on my calendar, now I have 2....I like that my last dose was at night because when I wake up in the morning I am almost 1/2 way through another day. I slept off and on and got quite a few hours of sleep in. Still stomach problems and anxiety. I went to bed last night and it took about 2 hours for my moving to stop. I am doing okay. Going to go to work today.

    It has been 2 1/2 days since my last pill.

  28. #28
    oneistoomany is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by amanda28 View Post
    You are SO inspiring... I love what you've written about what you will never have to do again. It's very much the truth and SO empowering, I'm sure.

    I know it's hard for you right now, but the best part is knowing that it's all in your head... that your body is feeling ok, but your mind is playing games on you- and you are strong... you can beat this with your positivity and your ability to know what is best for YOU.

    Good luck with work tomorrow- it will probably help to be on a routine again!
    Thank you Amanda!!

  29. #29
    oneistoomany is offline Member
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    I only made it for a few hours at my job today. I was feeling very frustrated with myself, but was just on another thread... and decided I am expecting too much of myself.

    Those that detox and need to go into work-- God Bless you!!! Really... don't know how you do it.

    I am feeling very angry at myself for getting in this predicament, but know I can't change the past and need to learn from this and move forward.

    At 9pm tonight I will be putting my 3rd X on my calendar and will be 72 hours past my last dose of opiates.

    Becky
    1 is too many, 1000 is not enough.

  30. #30
    amanda28 is offline Member
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    Glad you were able to go home as needed... and I agree- those who don't have a choice, I don't know how they do it. It's best that you're as comfortable as you can be during this process. For me, I need to be out of the house or I get the urge to take more pills... But who knows how I'll actually feel once I get to the point where I'm taking none. I'm hoping I can continue to taper and not go through really bad w/d's... but I'm not holding my breath for anything.

    Anyways, still super proud of you... thanks for the continued updates.

    Tell me exactly how you're feeling with regards to your symptoms... especially how you're sleeping.

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