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Not sure where to go from here...
Not sure where to go from here...
I'm here because I don't know who else to talk to. I don't have the money for therapy (Lord knows I need it). I don't want to involve my family or friends as its personal. So I thought maybe advice from people possibly in my position could help.
Some background information: I've been married to my husband for just over 1 year. He was recently medically retired from the Military after being diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. He has been prescribed (off and on) painkillers of all sorts from Dr.'s of all sorts.
I found out how SERIOUS his drug use has been the last few months just a couple days ago. Saturday in fact. So here's the story:
I might need to mention that the night before all was revealed, I had been scratched by our cat pretty bad across the top of my foot after accidentally stepping on him in the middle of the night, and on the day I confronted him about my recent suspicions of a pill addiction, I was going to go get some gauze out of the first aid kit we keep in the car. He DID NOT want me to get into that bag...so I told him he could run over me with the car, but I was going to get that bag because clearly there was something in there. And to my surprise (really...BIG surprise) I found a box of syringes from Wal-greens...I didn't even know they sold them like that but whatever. Needless to say...I FREAKED. Started shooting off question after question, trying to wrap my brain around something I had never even considered. It was much worse than I thought.
He revealed to me that a "friend" in the Navy had shown him how to inject painkillers by melting them down in a spoon. This happened shortly after I had to move back to Texas (we made the decision so that I could get a job, and we could save a significant amount of money). He told me he was so depressed and alone feeling that he just did it one day...and then started to do it for his symptoms with UC. After 3 months, he moved back to Texas with me and we continued to live there for 3 more months before moving to Oklahoma after he was accepted into college. We had our close friends back in Texas, and for the most part, we were always together, unless I was at work. Turns out, he was hanging out with a "friend" who has been known for his drug use/abuse in the past and present and they both started injecting pills together. After a while he told me that it was no longer for the pain from UC, he told me that he got in too deep and was around the WRONG people and just couldn't stop.He couldn't tell me about it because he thought I would leave him. So he lied...and VERY well. I knew something was up, but I couldn't prove anything and it always just came back in my face no matter how much my gut was telling me something was WRONG. Even my family members noticed at a point. He would just go on the defense and eventually make me feel like a terrible person/wife for ever accusing him in the first place. It was slowly, but surely eating away at our new marriage and I thought it was because I didn't know how to be a wife. I'll admit, I've never really been very understanding or empathetic when it comes to pill abuse. I've known GOOD people who have died from it and seen so many lose so much over stupid little pills. I just don't get it. Anyway, he told me that he hadn't injected anything in the past month or so that we've been living in our new home (no where near any of his "friends"). He said he quit pretty much 'cold-turkey' though a friend had given him some suboxen(sp?) before we had moved. He said it was the hardest thing he's ever had to do in his life...lying,hiding,suffering. He said he won't do it ever again.
So here I am 2 days later...confused, angry with him, angry with myself, I feel stupid that I didn't see this. The man I love was in such a deep dark place and I had NO idea. And now I don't know how to handle it. I want to be supportive, but how does one support something they've always disagreed with and NEVER understood?? How do I not just give up and walk out...I mean I'm only 23 years old...I have always had a roof over my head and really never had to deal with such a big issue. I've heard of family members having their issued, alcoholism being a big one, but it never really effected me. How do I not beat myself up? How do I just pick up the pieces of my shattered trust and go on? I've had a bomb dropped on me, and now I feel like there is just a big empty hole of debris left over.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
The best place for you to turn is Naranon or Alanon.
To find local meetings:
These are 12-step support groups designed for the family, friends and loved ones around an addict. This is where you'll gain the guidance and support that you'll need to get through this kind of situation. My heart goes out to you.
Please get to a meeting soon, and you'll find you aren't alone. (The group is "anonymous," meaning it's confidential.) And there are tools to help you to deal with this.