[Stressed Wife]

I like many other people I read about, have a husband that is caught up in this cycle of addiction. I have been married less than 3 years and can say that he was addicted more than half of our marriage. It took me a while to catch on to the first one and that is only because he broke down and came clean with me. Since that point, I have repeatedly caught him using (pain pills and sometimes in combination with xanax) and heard the stories that it was only one or two pills. He insisted I keep drug tests in the house for accountability, but it's not working obviously.

After the last few months of fighting and me nagging because I think he is using, I finally got him to admit 3 1/2 weeks ago that he is really using - upon finding his phone with a text on it to buy pills. Except for that first occasion, he has only come clean when I have caught him red handed. Well, after kicking him out 3 1/2 weeks ago, changing my locks, closing our joint account and reopening one in my name, he finally came to his "bottom" over the weekend. He is 28 years old, moved back in with his parents to go through detox. They have him under constant watch to ensure he does not fall into temptation. He has also decided to go to a 6 month rehab when done with withdrawals. (Note: He went to this same rehab for one year when he was 22 before we met.) This refresher visit is supposed to help...

I love him, of course, and hate to see him cry, say that he is so unhappy, that he ruined his life, and he doesn't understand why he keeps doing this. I want to support him but am so beyond hurt by all of this that I am afraid there is no hope to ever have a healthy happy relationship. He says he "lost me" and all these things versus saying he wants me back.. making me feel like he has accepted that and he sees no hope. That hurts even worse.

I have so many going on in my life, great job, in school full time for my masters, can support myself financially. I just don't know what to do... give up on our marriage, or wait until he finishes withdrawals and rehab... The other thing I wonder if is he has some deeper issues he is trying to self medicate... what if we found that at and addressed that issue. So hurt and having a hard time swallowing reality...

[musicman48]

Originally Posted by Stressed Wife

I like many other people I read about, have a husband that is caught up in this cycle of addiction. I have been married less than 3 years and can say that he was addicted more than half of our marriage. It took me a while to catch on to the first one and that is only because he broke down and came clean with me. Since that point, I have repeatedly caught him using (pain pills and sometimes in combination with xanax) and heard the stories that it was only one or two pills. He insisted I keep drug tests in the house for accountability, but it's not working obviously.

After the last few months of fighting and me nagging because I think he is using, I finally got him to admit 3 1/2 weeks ago that he is really using - upon finding his phone with a text on it to buy pills. Except for that first occasion, he has only come clean when I have caught him red handed. Well, after kicking him out 3 1/2 weeks ago, changing my locks, closing our joint account and reopening one in my name, he finally came to his "bottom" over the weekend. He is 28 years old, moved back in with his parents to go through detox. They have him under constant watch to ensure he does not fall into temptation. He has also decided to go to a 6 month rehab when done with withdrawals. (Note: He went to this same rehab for one year when he was 22 before we met.) This refresher visit is supposed to help...

I love him, of course, and hate to see him cry, say that he is so unhappy, that he ruined his life, and he doesn't understand why he keeps doing this. I want to support him but am so beyond hurt by all of this that I am afraid there is no hope to ever have a healthy happy relationship. He says he "lost me" and all these things versus saying he wants me back.. making me feel like he has accepted that and he sees no hope. That hurts even worse.

I have so many going on in my life, great job, in school full time for my masters, can support myself financially. I just don't know what to do... give up on our marriage, or wait until he finishes withdrawals and rehab... The other thing I wonder if is he has some deeper issues he is trying to self medicate... what if we found that at and addressed that issue. So hurt and having a hard time swallowing reality...

I would die for my wife.You must take care of yourself first and foremost but....when you really love someone you will go to the depths of hell with them.That is my opinion.I have a lot of things going on in my life too.None of them more important than my wife.I mean it when I say I would die for her.I like myself too...lol....If you do not feel the same than you should reconsider being married. This is all my opinion.I am certainly no expert on social behavior.Good luck ! MM

[melinda7.5]

Hi stressed wife
I was the addict so your going to get the other side of the story...
I have been clean now since august...
But I'm planning on getting married soon...and I tell you If my husband was using I would give him every Chance to get clean as long as he was trying.
I understand there is a point where you have to let go...But if you really love him I would hang with him for awhile and see if he just got himself in trouble and wants help to get out...
Good luck and let us know how it goes...
Melinda

[MaisieC]

Originally Posted by musicman48

I would die for my wife.You must take care of yourself first and foremost but....when you really love someone you will go to the depths of hell with them.That is my opinion.I have a lot of things going on in my life too.None of them more important than my wife.I mean it when I say I would die for her.I like myself too...lol....If you do not feel the same than you should reconsider being married. This is all my opinion.I am certainly no expert on social behavior.Good luck ! MM

Musicman, I know you didn't mean that as a guilt trip, but I think if I were in her position I might take it as such. My mom went through the depths of hell with my dad, and he didn't get sober til they had been married for over 40 years. There wasn't much left at that point. I think they still loved each other, but they had stopped speaking years and years before. I think this is more of an individual decision, myself.

Stressed Wife, there is a long, long thread on this board started by Lost83, about her husband's struggles with addiction and how she's been dealing with it. The story is still ongoing, and it might be interesting for you to read through it:

http://www.drugs.com/forum/need-talk...ict-48965.html

It seems to me that since your husband is going into the six-month rehab, you shouldn't push yourself to make any decisions before he's done with that. I understand the desire to have a decision made, but this is a good time for reflection.

While he's doing the rehab, you should try going to Al-Anon as a support group for yourself. It's for the spouses and loved ones of alcoholics, but it's the same issues being talked about. It will help you understand him, understand yourself, and see how others have dealt with similar situations. It's really very helpful.

Regarding the question about whether he has underlying issues, that question will certainly come up during the rehab and will be discussed. Addicts often do have issues like that--for instance with depression or self-esteem--and sometimes they need therapy or other treatment for those issues. They also need to understand that whatever their issues are, using drugs or alcohol is not a good way to deal with them.

Good luck to you both.

[dalejrfan71]

Hi Stressed Wife,

I also would die for my wife, I too am on narcotic pain meds for osteoarthritis in my hips, knees, back & neck. My doctor put me on Oxycontin 5mg & 10mg. I would never lie to my wife, if I got addicted to these I would tell her right away as well as my doctor.

[Stressed Wife]

Thank you all for your thoughts... I really appreciate hearing all of them ... it means a lot to have others listen. I had a long talk with him last night, over the phone. It sounds like the rehab center 2 1/2 hours from our house will be able to take him when he is ready. So it's probably just a matter of weeks until he leaves and I will see him on visitation which may be a few months into it. He's going to miss both of our birthdays, wedding anniversary, my 10-year reunion, so much in our lives. It will hurt not having him around and for those things. But I will try and stay busy with my job and school work. But... when do you have to tell others in your life about all of this? I have great co-workers, but also work in a very large organization that I hope to move up in. I want to be honest with my boss and maybe some fellow staff but am afraid that this will likely be spread around to a larger group and the misunderstanding this will cause for people. I don't want to lie to people over the next 6-7 months about my husband who never accompanies me to events. Any advice from people who have dealt with this? How to stay professional but also honest.

Today my husband is going back to get his wedding ring from the pawn shop... another blow to the heart. But in our talk he sounded so hurt and depressed about where his life has gotten. He wants rehab to get his discipline back, get close again to the Lord, and also to avoid this from ever happening again. My heart and brain are in a battle right now... my heart is telling me I love him and want to help him, but my brain is analyzing all the facts and cycles... uhhh. I did read Lost83's a portion... but will go back and read it. I am guessing it's not a happy ending... I just don't want that to be me also.

[Lost83]

Stressed Wife,

I am still praying for a happy ending....

Anywho, I am very fortunate to have a wonderful boss who I confide in and he doesn't frown upon me for my husbands struggles (he is actually an addict in recovery himself so that helps). I would keep it between you and the people who need to know or anyone you can confide in 100%. This pill addiction is an epidemic that is spreading like wildfire. That being said it isn't necessary to spread your personal life like wildfire.

As mentioned above, he is going to be gone for 6 months working on himself, there is no need to make any decisions now. Take this time to start your own recovery, I don't personally attend Noranon or Alanon but I read about addiction daily, I participate on this forum and another, I confide in my friends and family and receive tremendous support. I am learning to live my life without him and the drama that came along with it and honestly, it's refreshing although I miss him, the real him, ALOT!

This is will be his second stint in rehab, hopefully he has hit his bottom. Only time will tell. It's up to you to decide whether or not you are willing to give him the opportunity to come back into your life as the loving husband you fell in love with, as with most everything, it is a risk but love is a risky business. Keep in touch, I hope things start looking up for you soon.

[Stressed Wife]

So, I have been very busy lately - as we have been talking again. I am still juggling school, work, and the frequent visit to my in-laws house to see him and have dinner with him. He is leaving a week from tomorrow to go to rehab. Until then it seems like he is having a nice little vacation (grrr...) at their house. He has been laying out by the pool, having his devotion time with the Lord (which of course I support), and other things. But everytime I go over there for dinner he is having a beer or two. Sure it's not more than two but I just don't understand why he doesn't get the idea that any substance scares me right now. I am sooooo scared and confused about where we stand. I know I won't have to make any decisions right now, as he will be gone for 6 months but I feel like healing while he is away won't really be healing. It's like a wound that will scab over and heal but if he comes home and hurts me I will be left wide open, vulnerable, and hurting more for not leaving when I questioned it.

I don't really have any questions for you all... just needed to vent I guess. And yes, I am going to therapy, with our previous marriage counseler.

Uh, so one week until he leaves... I am so confused, do I spend time with him because I know deep down I love him or do I walk away. This is so difficult.

[NewGuy99]

Have you told him that seeing him drink beers is scary to you?

I agree with you - he should not be drinking at this point.

It's fine for him to relax by the pool and do virtually nothing as long as he's staying clean. Sure, it's good that he's not using pills right now, but he's still using a substance that alters his state of mind.

Best wishes.

[Stressed Wife]

Yes, the first time I came to see him after he lived outside of the house for a few weeks I see him drinking. He was just starting withdrawals at that time. Now days later, the withdrawals seem done (minus the sleeplessness) and he is much more clear headed. He says that he can drink without having an urge for more than one or two. Uggh, why is that supposed to be reassuring. After substance abuse caused this hurt and pain, I don't see how he can rationalize alcohol.

Anyways - thanks for the comment, and thanks for listening.

[Lost83]

Stressed Wife,

You don't have to let his problem affect you while he is away. In the beginning it's really hard, mine has been gone for 2 months and I have made the decision not to let his troubles directly affect my quality of life. He isn't here to hurt me right now and it's MY choice to let him back into my life when he gets out. As I stated above love is a risky business. You have 6 months to get some perspective and recovery under your belt. 6 months to decide if you are able to forgive him and you and only you can make that decision.

I do understand your frustration with the beer and lounging by the pool. I would be totally pissed off if I was busting my hump at work and school only to find that he is having a nice siesta while you are still out in the real world working and attending college. Do what you think is best, have no regrets. You know where you are going in life, you have no idea or control over where he goes. Rehab will give you the opportunity to have the time to let go of all those terrible feelings of betrayal, deceit, manipulation etc. You do have control over those feelings and once you begin to realize that you ultimately only hold the key to your own destiny, you will begin to see clearly the answers to your indecisiveness.

I hope you start to find some peace in your life once he goes to rehab. I'll tell you honestly, it's been 2 months for me, and althuogh I know I still have a long way to go and 4 more months to find myself, I find each day getting easier. The resentment is disappearing because I don't want to be miserable for him anymore, I can do bad all by myself and I refuse to let anyone else have that much control over MY feelings. I love him dearly and want nothing more than to see him succeed but I KNOW I will succeed regardless of the decisions he makes when he gets out.

Please feel free to vent anytime. Keep in touch.

[Stressed Wife]

Yes, I hope I find that peace when he goes to rehab. I just responded to your other post, and I emailed you, don't want to overwhelm you with too many different conversations.

I have a question for any addicts that might be reading this... So, my husband admits he has an addictive personality. I don't know if this is something that the doctors medically classify or not. So, I think I know this answer... but if you have struggled with pill addiction many times... do you think it is safe to drink alcohol?

Also, does anyone reading have any experience with Teen Challenge rehab center?