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New To Forum and Need Support BADLY...Rapid detox
  1. #1
    tammy6579 is offline Member
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    Default New To Forum and Need Support BADLY...Rapid detox

    I have been reading the forums for some time now & have decided to seek support here. Here's a brief bio of where I am: Have been a 7+ yr oxy user (dr prescribed) at about 100mg p/day until 4 days ago. I think/hope the worst is over, other than I still can't sleep, but right this minute I am in dire need of support to keep going. On day one I used about 2mg sub strip all day to take edge off, then about same on day 2. Day 3 I went c/t with only otc pain relievers & toughed out the worst w/d symptoms. I do have a chronic back pain issue I'm trying so hard to deal with so today (day 4) I took 1 Lyrica 75mg as prescibed to me, tho this was the 1st 1 I've even taken. About 2hrs ago I took 2.5mg valium to make me sleepy, which hasn't worked. I have some chills here/there but are managed & very few cramps. My prob now is needing someone to encourage me as I have NOBODY WHATSOEVER & am trying to deal with this myself. I am married in name only & earlier when I went to him for help, as I am weak & haven't eaten in days), he simply put me down & went back to sleep. He's been on sub strips (8mcg 3x daily) for about 8months & now has a "God Complex" so he's of no help plus his reaction to me makes me feel weak...like I can't do this! I don't wanna put anymore chemicals in my body, like strips, because the whole point is to rid myself of these toxins & their devil-hold over me!

    Am I on the right path here, or do I need something more substance wise? Am I thru the worst part now? How can I get my energy up? I have a 7yr old son who is soley in my care & I don't feel like moving. I don't wanna fail & earlier on day 4 I almost relapsed. Please help!!!

  2. #2
    cheeky is offline Diamond Member
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    first off. your 'god complex' man is gonna be highly addicted to those subs and thats a HELLUVA high dose.. so he gonna fall off his perch pretty soon... he is the WEAK ONE... because subs, are a good tool to get clean. but in the end you have to get off them also... and taking 24mg a day is gonna be big trouble down the line... its a wonder he can sleep or even function at that dose... he needs to get lower... but anyway its you that came for help...............

    but yeh,, bit of valium will help with anxiety and lack of sleep. vitamins if you have any... and also ive heard sleepy time tea is good...
    google the ''thomas recipe for opiate withdrawl''' it has lots of bits and pieces to help out... the subs you took will prolong the withdrawls so you may be in for a bit of a hiccups, but i really hope you are thru the worst... keep on going.. main thing is KEEP ON GOING... you are VERY STRONG... much stronger than your bf who doesnt sound very supportive at all...

    others will post here too... its very early in the usa where most people are from on this forum... hi from new zealand anyways. i used subs for 15 months to get off hard drugs. i started at 12mg and tapered right down to .25mg before i jumped off... they are very potent opiates so your deluded boyfriend isnt clean at all . he has traded one addiction for another and it is very hard to get off unless you are committed to tapering off..

    good luck girl
    Catrina and caughtagain like this.

  3. #3
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Dear Tammy,

    Welcome to the forum - this is a good place for support and guidance.

    Suboxone is a tricky drug - it is NOT intended to be used as either you or your husband are doing it. If you're interested in how it is supposed to work, you can read more here: http://www.drugs.com/forum/featured-...apy-50887.html

    As Cheeky said, your husband is on too high a dosage - he is basically using the suboxone to get high 'legitimately' in his mind. Suboxone is a powerful opiate - and he is quite certainly addicted to them. Suboxone is for short-term use, at the lowest possible dose, and meant to be tapered down gradually. His God complex is made with quicksand - he's relying on massive doses of another drug. You, rather, are C-L-E-A-N. And the difference is night and day.

    The way you've taken the subs is rather hit or miss - and that's not how it works, either. Sorry, but this is a drug that can help only when taken properly. (In fact, taken wrong, they do far more harm than good!) Do NOT continue to take any of the subs unless you intend to do a full plan according to those instructions on the link I provided. Suboxone should never be started until you are IN full-blown withdrawal; at 4 days out, it is unlikely you'll feel that at this point. You are better off not taking them. Generally, withdrawal off oxys is pretty much over by the 5th day, so you should be feeling better without the suboxone.

    Now... this is the important part... you need to get to some meetings of NA or AA. Addiction is a complex, powerful disease - and the only way we stay away from relapse is to work toward recovery. We do not simply stop the pills and everything will fall back into place. The drugs have changed us; we have lost sight of any healthy coping skills, and replaced it with the pills. So, with the pills removed, we're emotionally very vulnerable to relapse. The roadmap out of addiction comes through the 12 steps of these programs. Please do yourself a huge favor, and get to some meetings.

    Bravo on what you've done already - and I pray you assure yourself long term success by pursuing a 12-step program.

    God bless,
    Ruth

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  4. #4
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    your almost thru it,,and the energy part is hard, after time ull feel beter,,another week with nothing, u should b good..kyle,,i gained 40 lbs since i quit using,seems like all i do is eat now ,but i needed it, i looked like a skeleton last year..

  5. #5
    Catrina is offline Advanced Member
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    Tammy,

    I don't have to waste your time reading my post because my friend Cheeky said exactly what I had intended on saying to you. The man with the God complex, well let's just say that after you've stayed on plan (minus the subs, of course) he will still have a massive addiction and you will be the one do did it what at first appears to be the hard way but it's also the smart way. He will have an even bigger addiction and one that is multiple times harder to deal with. You will be clean, and he has moved up on the opiate addiction chain. I'm sorry he's made this huge mistake but that's his problem. Just do you.

    Peace,

    Cat
    "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahil Gibran (1883-1931).

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    tammy6579 is offline Member
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    Thanks y'all (yes, I'm Southern lol)! This is so hard! I managed only short of 3hrs sleep when achy legs woke me. I've tried this b4 many times & always fail, usually about this point that's why I'm reaching out. I can't help feeling so alone...ironically it's the thing that pushed me farther to relying on my "friends-the-pills" when I lost both parents roughly 4yrs ago. Then during the lil 3hrs sleep all I dreamed about was going thru my parents belongings after their deaths. I usually can't get thru b'cuz at this point I'm so weakened, frustrated, in pain, & have no support (other than looking at my son and smiling, but he depends on ME for support) & I have moderate depression aside from the addiction that I'm sure has made much worse. Cold chills make me very anxious since usually that's always been my 1st symptom of w/d so doing normal things like hot showers is like climbing a mountain to get thru. Although I try to keep telling myself that 1 day, not anytime soon, but 1 day those chills will be a positive reminder of my strength & what I've came thru.....IF I can get there. IT's so hard!!!! And too ez to get something to make all this go away, which is why I need support. Yes I'm starting to realize Mr God-complex has a reality check coming for doing exactly what I did: trust doctors just for the sake they are doctors prescribing those things to me. Sure, I abused them on my own but I'm 41yrs old currently being prescribed xanax, lyrica, roxy, muscle relaxers & fentnyl patches (forgot to mention in the state I'm in). Plus a slew of other meds. I just want all these chemicals out of my body & mind, which is why I'm choosing no sub. I don't know how I would go to meetings as I live in a very small town with meetings held nightly only & I seriously don't have anyone to keep my child & clearly his father will not help me thru this. Last night I FINALLY had a bit of an appetite & asked him to fix me something (this was around 1am when he finally got home) & I got a lecture & was told he needed sleep as he had places to go all day today, again leaving me with my son alone to fend for myself. I appreciate so much that at least someone responded to me on here---Thank you! This is the hardest. Thing. Ever. And at the beginning of day 5 (3rd day completely c/t) I feel almost as bad as day 1. My mind is a terrible place to be right now!
    Last edited by tammy6579; 05-04-2013 at 09:25 AM.

  7. #7
    blondie51 is offline Advanced Member
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    Day 5 wasn't that long ago for me so I remember everything you are feeling. I was alone too, with kids to take care of (although older kids than your 7 year old). Day 5 was awful for me, days 6-14 not great with sleep issues but the chills/hot thing went away, and day 15 on, most of it is behind me (besides the ocassional craving or obsessing). Trust me if you have made it to Day 5 you don't want to turn around. You're at least a third of the way through (or many people here say it's over in 5 days, so maybe that will be the case for you too!) What helped me is getting up and moving. Can you do something physical with your child? I know you don't want to do it but push yourself and you won't be sorry. I could not sit still, felt like I was jumping out of my skin, and the only thing that really helped me was physical exercise, to the point I was doing it as much during the waking hours as time would allow. Good luck and please keep posting!

  8. #8
    tammy6579 is offline Member
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    I am having such a hard time today! I just had a melt down in front of my son & I am HATING myself right now! I feel like the worst person & most horrible mom in the world. The good news is relapse is the farthest thing from my mind but dear Lord I need some relief. I asked (well, told) his father to take him today or stay with him cuz I'm struggling & could not take care of him the way he needs me. I'm just under the same roof as my son but I am not present. Of course, his father left the house w/out even a word to me. So when I finally call him to tell him he needs to get his son (which this is the very 1st time in his entire 7yrs I've ever asked for someone else to keep him for me, even his father who ususally doesn't even speak to him either) & all he did was put me down....same ol song & dance....despite him knowing what this is like AND knowing what I am trying so hard to accomplish. It's been days now but still no support! So, I've had a hard realization that I've known for yrs & it made me act out: I'm in a toxic abusive relationship that I need to get out of every bit as much as I need to get clean! They run hand in hand I think. And I think he's every bit as toxic to me as my addiction. He wants me to fail so he keeps me week where I can't fight for myself cuz then I could & would so easily send him packing. The harsh realities in addition to the flood of emotions are getting the best of me today. I've been numb so long. Too long. I totally put off the grief over the loss of my parents so I'm sure that's coming as well. I haven't wanted to face being alone in this world as I now am, but it is what it is. The only hope I have of giving my son what I had growing up is to get thru this devil drug addiction, get on my feet, & rid myself of that toxic relationship. He doesn't care. He's not there for either me or my son, so why should I be forced to live this way....or my son be?

    Someone on this thread earlier stated that this is a complex disease & I agree. My personal situation seems just as complex & that's why I'm going to keep posting my feelings down, hope for support on here, & get this over with to live again. I've not been living at all. Just surviving til the next high or next appt. This time, tho, I don't have an appt to look to. Just a life free of this bondage....if I can get thru a few more days. I wanna be a success. I wanna be clean. I wanna be the best mom. I wanna live! I've been thru 20+yrs of drug abuse of all variety & could always just walk away...until I met Mr Roxy. It's been a long hard road so I pray that when I get thru this it really is the most worth while 7 rewarding thing...a gift...to myself & my son. He's a miracle child! I was told I would never conceive so I never looked to have a child. Then outta the blue in 2003 I woke up pregnant. I was beside myself. Unfortunately, she died at birth premature at 30wks. I immediately tried & tried & tried & tried again to no avail. After a year & 1/2 coke binge I found myself pregnant again, this time with known complications as far as carrying a baby to term. And I fought so hard! So hard! I made it to 34wks with help of amazing doctors & he's now 7yrs old. Having him literally changed my life for the better! It was amazing. Unfortunately due to some of those complications I developed some back problems & went for help. I had NEVER heard of pain pills or addiction or anything like that. I was naive & just took what I was prescribed. Then bad things started happening & I relied more & more on my new "friends" the pills. At first it was just at night to sleep. Then 2x daily, then 3, 4, etc. I'm sure you all know the same path to addiction. At one point during the loss of my parents I was functioning in society at about 400mg+ a day. I went thru my script of 180 in a matter of a few days. I'm grateful I wasn't still there now. My last day (and usual daily dose) was about 100mg, some days up to 200mg.

    So, here I am on day 5 still struggling, telling my story to complete strangers, & trying my best to hang tough. I have more knowledge of addiction and using than I want to know about. I know of so many people...some succeed, some fail. I wish I didn't have all this knowledge of evil (pills are the devil imho) but I HOPE at the end of this long dark tunnel I can pay it forward & use that knowledge for good things!!! I've just gotta get there! And I am trying so hard. Just writing all this helps believe it or not. Thank you to those who have responded to me & are reading my story! I want you all to know that I am in it to win it lol! I'm not here just to get thru a few days or until my next appt. I want this. I want this bad!!! I hope all this "talking" to strangers will eventually give me the courage I need to pull off meetings. I'm no dummy...I KNOW I need more help & I def need help/counseling for my depression, abusive relationship, etc in addition to my addiction.

    This is my first step.....a HUGE blind leap off a tall mountain. This is my story. Thanks to those who are willing to go along this journey with me. I need you!

  9. #9
    whatsinaname is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Tammy,

    First of all welcome girl!!! You sound like you gotta lot of fight in you. I'm almost in tears reading your last post as I can totally relate to so much of what you are going through. When you are trying to get clean and you have someone who is supposed to love and support you sabotaging your chances, its very painful. I know for me the pills caused me to ignore and avoid so much..... Then you get clean and reality hits you like a ton of bricks. Just remember one step in front of the other get through the detox and the rest will follow.... have you been to NA? That is the suggestion I can give as it has really helped me on this journey. Being with people who get what your going through and will support you through this.

    As for your son, he's 7 right? So maybe just tell him mommy has the flu... throw on some cartoons.... he will be fine I promise!!!

    HUGS GIRL!!! Great job to you!

  10. #10
    tammy6579 is offline Member
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    Thanks for the reply, Whats! I am in tears lol. No I haven't been to any meetings....yet. I have thought about getting clean for a long time & have even tried a few times but failed. I just all of the sudden had a peaceful calm come over me on Tuesday & decided now is the time! Just like that. Not that it's ez cuz I feel so bad! Maybe my mind, body & spirit finally came together for the fight is the best way to describe it. What a fight it is too! Maybe next wk I'll catch a meeting? I hope tomorrow will be much better as today has been about as bad as days 1 & 2 physically. Mentally I'm ok right this minute. Emotionally I'm a total wreck!

    For some reason, I don't know why, but since immediately after losing my daughter showers have been tough. That's so so strange. I remember in my first shower after her birth I felt as tho I was washing her away?? Crazy, I know. But my tummy was still, quiet, & I couldn't have felt more alone. Fast forward to today, showers are tough (tho obviously I manage everyday lol) & even harder to get thru, or even attempt, with chills. It's just mentally horrific for me! So, getting thru that is a big step. Getting ready, hair, makeup, dressed, etc & going out seems near impossible right now. Baby steps, right?

    I'm here for support. I THANK YOU ALL!!! This is all I have to give right now....but I know when the worst physical symptoms are behind me, hopefully any day now, then the hard long road to full recovery begins & I for one know I need a lot of help!

    Thanks so much! This is exactly what I need right now...to write my feelings down & interact with others who know where I am & what I'm feeling. Please continue to guide me! You have no idea what an answered prayer you all are to me! I mean that!!

  11. #11
    tammy6579 is offline Member
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    Wow! What a difference 6hrs makes! I feel so empowered...which scares me a little cuz I don't wanna be over-confident & fall off. Maybe it's only b'cuz I just climbed a major mountain for me personally. I didn't shower; I took a loooong hot bath & had a loooong conversation with the good man upstairs. I am a spiritual person, tho along with too many other things it fell by the wayside. Got some multivitamins, B-complex & vit C going....oh & I ate for the 1st time in 5 days!!!! Yahoo!!!!

    I have no clue if I am doing this forum correctly since not many are responding, but I desperately NEED so much support that I'm gonna keep writing. It helps! I think I may be thru the worst of it as far as physical symptoms although the chills will not go away. Considering that's my personal biggest fear, maybe that's why. Maybe it's a mental thing. Maybe it's just still there for real. I don't know but I whooped its butt with that bath

    One thing at a time, right? Which brings me to my next big terror. I am terrified at the amount of work coming my way emotionally & mentally. I have tons to deal with...at least 4yrs worth of sorrow, & more yrs than that of working thru what my actions in addiction created towards others. Maybe I'm just buying trouble since I don't think I'm near walking outta the house yet. That's the nest step & big hurdle, I know.

    That's why I need support here people lol. I don't know wth I'm doing nor what I'm facing. That's b'cuz I've never been serious & dedicated to being clean before. I totally & completely am now! And ya know what? It does feel good. It feels empowering. I know people have lives & are busy....but I'm begging for help here!

    So I've got the music up, the fears & doubts down, & I'm gonna write some poetry to ease my mind from racing thoughts. Maybe I'll share some of my writings? Slow & steady. Working hard. Thanks you guys, even if you're just reading & not posting. I hope maybe I can inspire someone else along the way. I, too, was the worst kind of addict. I had it bad & there's not one thing I've read on here that I myself haven't experienced or seen. I haven't really gotten into how bad off it's been for me; don't think I need to since we are all similar. Trust me, it's destroyed my life totally & I've wasted so much & so many opportunities. I know I have to come clean with the couple people left in my life eventually but I need to be stronger first. This is the closing of day 5. Praise the Lord!!

    Be blessed people! Stay strong!!

  12. #12
    davepeerson is offline Advanced Member
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    Hey Tammy,
    Your doing the right thing posting your feelings and emotions on this forum....been a life changing experience for me! I would suggest NA meetings to you, although some Peeps don't care for them.....I personally get ALOT out of both AA and NA meetings!! My Opinion Only....but think about at least giving it a try...lots of good people their, with Tons of support....like this....only LIVE!! I will be here for you, along with many others...just keep posting, even when you don't feel like it!! I have been here since my Day one...2-14-13....and now am celebrating 81 Days off opiates tomorrow...or Sunday, if your an Eastern Girl!! Hope you get some rest, and feel as good Sunday as you sounded on your last post.....but it will be a bumpy ride....Glad you ate something as well....Important!! Stay Strong My Friend!! Surrender:..Let go of fear and resistence, place your trust in a Higher Power...and experience profound Peace. Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become!!..Peace..

  13. #13
    tammy6579 is offline Member
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    Thanks so much, Dave! It's so good to know I'm not alone!! Yes, it's buuuumpy lol. Many mood swings, many emotions, many physical symptoms. SO SO proud of you....congrats! Yes, I'm a Carolina girl so I'm on the east coast. It's late but I can't sleep. My blood pressure is extremely high & a headache brought it to my attention. I really should have detoxed under med supervision but it wasn't possible for me. That's why you guys are keeping me strong! Thank. You. So. Much!

    You have great advice, btw. It's hard to let go but I so desperately wanna see this darkness subside to light! Keeping my eyes on the prize! I'm considering meetings. I live in a very small town so it's not so anon lol. My non-supportive God-complex spouse goes to those meetings ONLY to abide by his dr orders so he can continue to get his strips & he comes home every time telling me who was there. Maybe he's trying to encourage me to go, tho I seriously doubt it. And I'm a very private person, which is odd how open & free I feel on here. I'm def going to counseling asap b'cuz I have moderate depression outside of my addiction so I'm having a tough time of it mentally. I've been told there's no way to tell where I am in my depression until I'm sober since it runs hand-in-hand to chemical dependence. The place I'm going has services for both depression & substance abuse so I think it's where I need to be right now. They have open group meetings there too so I may work my way in there too eventually.

    Thanks again for your support & advice! I'm taking it all to heart. I really couldn't be more sincere when I say this forum is an answered prayer for me!!! I've been alone far too long.

  14. #14
    tammy6579 is offline Member
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    "Alive"
    Lonely nights, longer days
    Deep bone chills, cold sweats
    Thru the pain I am weak
    But I am alive!

    No end to the torture
    Shackles still bound
    This hold over me is strong
    But I am alive!

    Fighting for strength
    Holding out for freedom
    Looking thru the darkness for the light
    But I am alive!

    This grasp is loosening
    Fear is setting in
    Waiting to turn the corner
    But I am alive!

    Temptation has gone, staying strong
    Fighting the good fight
    Watching desperately for the light
    But I am alive!

    Let me go, Let me be
    I must let go & press on
    One step closer tho still not there
    But I am alive!

    Can't quite find the light
    Wanting it so bad
    Accepting I'm alive
    Realizing I saved my life!

    I didn't complete an ending yet because it chronicles the last few days for me & I'm not there yet. It's almost day6 (I think, lost track) & I'm feeling a lil better but clearly still no sleep. It's been almost 24hrs since my 1st post & this place, this forum has gotten me thru another day....quite easily I must say. Yes, I still feel bad, can't sleep, still having those evil chills, etc but my attitude is much more positive. If you ask me, attitude goes a long way. I'm so glad I made this choice. I can't explain it but I just knew it was time, I was ready, I wanted it so bad! I'm so glad I found this place & you guys! You are genuinely answered prayer! I cannot say that enough!!

    Gonna try for sleep. Ready to be done with the valium cuz it makes me feel whoozy, weaker feeling. Although I didn't start it til last night out of desperation for sleep. Maybe I need one more 1/2 right now to sleep? Got the music going & plan to leave it on so maybe that'll help? It's funny, speaking of keeping things on.....since my initial post around 630am yesterday I've STAYED online on this forum like it's my lifeline lol. Maybe it is? So, I'm like motel 6: I'll keep my (lil green) light on for ya My humor is coming back....great sign.....hope the worst is behind me physically. Gotta get my mind set to begin the hard work & follow a program.

  15. #15
    tammy6579 is offline Member
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    Quick question: Does anybody know the dosing for Lyrica? It's helping so much thru the pain. It is prescribed to me, btw. It's 75mg capsules 2x daily....but since I've been up almost 24hrs straight I just took a 3rd one. Is that too much? I'm hopeless, I know Advice please! This c/t method has put a whooping on me lol But I think I made the right choice not to use strips....thx all for that advice! Haven't touched a single one since day2 as you suggested I do. I could not ever in any way taper off oxy no matter how hard or how many times I tried, so I didn't wanna chance failing at tapering strips nor trade one chemical for another. Almost there...keeping reaching upward!
    Last edited by tammy6579; 05-05-2013 at 02:17 AM. Reason: spelling

  16. #16
    winged eagle is offline Advanced Member
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    Tammy, I really enjoyed your poem, and please don't fret over how the forum works. You use it the way you think is best.
    It definitely helps to post your feelings and thoughts here.
    As for the number of responses, it's sometimes slow on the weekends, so don't bother with that, just keep posting!
    I'd love to read more of your poetry, so don't hesitate to share, ok?

    You're doing great. I know it feels like an infinity, but here you are, day 6 and plugging along like a champ!
    The Lyrica... Here's what I know about that:
    It's described as the new-age sister of Neurontin, which is gabapentin.
    It definitely helps with withdrawals; Neurontin is non-narcotic, but acts similarly to opiates.
    However, be very careful using this stuff.
    Do a quick search and you'll see that addiction/dependency to this med has ugly consequences, and there isn't anything you can take to relieve those symptoms, so use it for now, for these first few days, but ditch it right after, you won't need its help anyway, hopefully very, very soon.
    Now that you're on day 6, the good moments increase exponentially.
    You'll be feeling better and better with each passing hour, so congrats, you're almost done!

    As for the husband with the God complex:
    Boy is he in for a rude awakening.
    And by then you'll be clean as a whistle, emotionally more settled, and capable of taking some decisions.
    BUT:
    Baby steps.
    Don't rush through it.
    When we first get clean, we are excited, and we want to do it all, fix it all, make amends, make big plans, all at once, right this second.
    Pull in the reins a bit. One thing at a time.
    Right now your entire focus should be on getting over this last hump, and taking care of your child.
    Everything else can be dealt with in the right place and at the right time, ok?

    Congrats again on a job very well done :-)
    Lots are reading, so keep posting!

  17. #17
    tammy6579 is offline Member
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    Thanks, Winged! I need all the support I can get. It's almost 5am here & I'm still awake...b'cuz I am terrified of waking up in a very bad, dark place since this past 24hrs went so well. I don't have the luck that tomorrow will be better. I'm full of tears now. I've gone from full-on positive to horrified. I know I'm fighting for my life. I know this is it. No more chances. I feel that! And I'm afraid, very afraid. Reading all the posts on here are so helpful & a blessing, as are the people here!

  18. #18
    whatsinaname is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Tammy,

    I loved your poem too!! Its beautiful..... keep those creative juices flowing. That will really help you through this process..... like Winged said the weekends around here are kind of slow.... keep posting though. It took me a couple months of lurking before I finally started a thread, so remember even when people aren't posting they are reading and gaining inspiration from You!!!

    Your doing great.... keep up the great work.... I'm following and I'm here to provide support. So glad your feeling better and hopefully you got some sleep!

    HUGS GIRL!!

  19. #19
    Catrina is offline Advanced Member
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    Hi Tammy,

    You are soooo close. No surprise your emotions are running on over-load right now. No surprise there, right? As you begin to see your life more clearly you'll want to make changes. Once clean, at least I, saw the things that seemed perfectly OK when I was using and they most definately were not OK anymore. I'd wonder, what in the world was I thinking??? The answer, of course, was that I wasn't. That's one of the reasons we use in the first place--so that we don't have to deal with the things that we couldn't or wouldn't when clean. Some of those things are what has us relapsing so at some point (not now) you'll begin to see the things that you have the most trouble dealing with and you'll be wanting to do something about them. It doesn't happen overnight and we can't deal with them all at once, no one can. We let them pile up while using because they didn't seem so bad when we were using. Now that we're clean, in order to stay that way some of the >>>> has to be shoveled outta our lives. You'll get there bit by bit, not all at once and not now.

    It is amazing the difference 6 hrs makes! True true. I know that you are in real pain right now. Try and be patient. Think of it as being completely stripped of your body's natural way of fighting pain because that's exactly what has happened. Once your body begins to replenish those wonderful endorphins, it can help to find the pain naturally and only then will you be able to evaluate what your pain level really is. When I was where you are, I was told that soon a couple of Exedrin would help. I scoffed...yeah right! Well, they really do help. For real!

    Post, post, Monday you'll find more folks posting. Not only did I find new friends on this Forum, I now have a journal of my journey. You'll be able to re-read your thread and see how far you've come. It will also help you stay strong simply by seeing in your own words what you've been thru making it a bit easier to decide to never go to the place again.

    Peace,

    Cat
    Last edited by Catrina; 05-05-2013 at 07:29 AM.
    "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahil Gibran (1883-1931).

  20. #20
    tammy6579 is offline Member
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    Apparently not close enough! Having a hard hard day!!! Don't really have a craving but I want something just to feel better. I'm so weak, still having chills (ugghhh I HATE them), now rls again, & I'm in pain. The only thing I did differently in past 24hrs is finally eat after 5days & pop vitamins. And today I'm worse?? Thought I could do this, wanted it so bad! Now I'm weighing it out: feel better asap or make it to the finish line???

  21. #21
    tammy6579 is offline Member
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    Remember those walls I built
    Well they've come tumbling down
    And they didn't even make a sound
    I found a way to let you in
    But I never really had a doubt
    It's like I've been awaken
    Every rule I had to break
    It's the risk I'm taking
    I'm never gonna shut you out
    Everywhere I'm looking now
    I'm surrounded by your embrace
    You know you're my saving grace
    You're everything I need & more
    Hit me like a ray of sun
    Burning thru my darkest night
    You're the only one I want
    YOU GOT ME ADDICTED TO YOUR LIE
    I swore I'd never fall again
    But this don't even feel like falling
    Pray I won't fade away!

  22. #22
    tammy6579 is offline Member
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    Had a really tough day today! It was horrible; almost used. Finally found what I needed & guess what? I made it another day AND attended my 1st meeting!! NA rocks! It was so helpful & got me thru. Met lots of awesome people...just what I needed. Never been more dedicated to getting my life back. Still feeling w/d symptoms but managed to get lots of exercise from gatorade having me make multiple trips to restroom lol. Lil more hydrated, lil less weak, lot more confident!

    This was today's reading topic:
    Just for today I will do whatever necessary to stay clean.

    It reminded me to stay in the NOW, which I wasn't doing at all.

    Peace & Love (((Hugs)))
    ARTIST658 and NoMoreOxy like this.

  23. #23
    cheeky is offline Diamond Member
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    good on you for not using... and isnt it funny how the NA reading often relates EXACTLY to what we need to hear today eh. ?

    another one chalked up...
    ARTIST658 likes this.

  24. #24
    tammy6579 is offline Member
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    Hey, Cheeky! Glad to hear from ya! How ya doin??

    Yes, it totally is. I agree. I'm trying to step up from min2min to hr2hr. Giving myself a few ez tasks to do each day to get my strength up as I've just been thru the 1st part of hell, well going thru it...not quite there yet but much better. One thing for today (aside from sleep, that is) is to find things to like about myself in hopes that when I'm ready & able to tackle it I can begin to forgive myself with the end goal being loving myself so that I can allow others to. That's not from NA (that I know of lol) just smthg I gotta do.

    Please keep in touch! I will need support every step of the way!!! Maybe it has just been slow around here, dunno. But thankfully I found a place, just in time I might add, where someone is there live 24/7. I'll still be here posting too. I wanna encourage if I can & I wanna continue with those of you that started with me on this journey.

    Many thx! (((Hugs)))

  25. #25
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    BRAVOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, Tammy!!!!

    When we're new (and soooo tempted to pop a pill to stop the pain), every single day clean is a reason for celebration. I just caught up on your thread, and saw where you were weakening in your resolve... then I read this last post and I nearly jumped to my feet and applauded!!! Yes! You made it to a meeting when you were in a bad place... and, ain't it something how much that helped?!?!? <<wink wink>>

    That's one of the many benefits of NA - it isn't something simple to define, but it sure brings us back to the basics... the basic enthusiasm to get clean and stay clean. Life can make things pretty murky - and our emotions are alllll over the place early on... but if we fit a meeting into each day, it's like letting out a huge sigh of relief... ahhh... I can do this.

    As I was catching up on your thread, I noticed you'd posted a list of meds you're currently prescribed... are you still taking all of them? Or are you going cold-turkey off all the addictive ones? You mentioned fentanyl, roxys and xanax... those are some heavy-duty ones, and I'm just concerned, cause you want this nightmare behind you completely. Also, of concern, is the xanax - which should NOT be stopped cold turkey - as that is extremely dangerous.

    Again, BRAVO for hitting the meeting rather than the pill bottle!!!

    Hugs,
    Ruth
    tammy6579 likes this.

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  26. #26
    tammy6579 is offline Member
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    Thanks Ruth! It feels amazing...even as bad as I still feel. Please, no worries. Yes, I was prescribed all those meds but I never took the xanax. The last few days I've used Lyrica & very few valium just for anxiety & sleep. It's not helping much cuz I've only had a 2hr nap since I posted that poem lol. But today I'm gonna step off all of it...no more as of today! Just advil & B-complex, multi-vit, B-complex, & b-complex

    I'm doing ok. Yesterday the senses started coming back & the flood gates opened & I had no idea how to deal. But I made it & really proud of what I've done so far! Cold Turkey is RrrOOOooUUuuGGgggHHHh but this is the last time I'll have to do it! Yippee!!!!!!

    (((Hugs))) Ruth

  27. #27
    whatsinaname is offline Platinum Member
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    Hey Tammy,

    Im so proud of you for making it that NA meeting!! WOOOOT WOOOOT GO YOU!!! They have helped me more than I can tell you. The more you go, the more you want to go. Your doing great girl. So proud of you for hanging on. I love the poetry too, keep em coming. Thanks so very much for your post on my thread too, means a lot to me

    HUGS GIRL

  28. #28
    NoMoreOxy is offline Senior Member
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    Hello Tammy.

    I just read through your thread! Congratulations on the progress you've made. Also, excellent choice going to an NA meeting rather than using. I could definitely learn a thing or two from you. That seems to be where I've fallen off the path before. My plan going forward is, hit a meetings, pick up the phone, talk talk talk.... Whatever it takes to not use. For me it is no longer an option. I just can't live this way anymore. Ever ever again.

    Great job!

    My thoughts are with you!

    -NMO

  29. #29
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    Tammy.... I just wanted to come on here and tell you what a good job you are doing.. When you make the choice to do this, the need and the attitude of Just WANTING IT, are so important and I can tell in your words that you DO want it... For right now on day 7 (which is great), you need to be looking for those moments of clarity and when they come.. Think about them and feel good they are there.... You need to really focus on the small milestones so that when you have a blah moment, you can draw from those good moments to pull you through... This place is great and the people on here, well we all share a bond and that allows us to give each other unconditional support. have confidence in that fact, so post and post often... We will try to guide you through this journey.... Welcome and just have faith in yourself, we have faith in you, because we have been right where you are.... I was there almost 4 years ago.. I came on here and never left, so if I can do it, anyone can..... All my best, Reid..
    oscarcody1 likes this.

  30. #30
    tammy6579 is offline Member
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    Hey Reid! Nice to finally chat with ya....read a lot of your posts. Thx so much for the encouragement! You reaffirmed to me that, yes, I do want it,,,I want it bad! It feels great that someone else can "see" that in me; it truly inspires me to stay strong & believe in myself, which is such a challenge as I've not trusted myself in a very long time & I don't think I should try that quite yet because I'm a 7day-old baby while the addiction monster that was me is 7yrs old. Got a milestone coming up Wed but I can't deal with that right now...I'm still gobbling up ""Just for Today I am willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean." I was willing to do whatever it took to get my drug so the "clarity" here is I AM WILLING to do whatever it takes to stay clean. Today. In the now.

    Sometimes, still, it's minute by minute yet I'm inching ever-so-close to hour by hour. It is getting better physically. Chills won't stay at bay, but better. RLS ONLY when I try to sleep (ironically huh), but better. I'm hydrated...oh boy am I hydrated lol. And honestly, with only 3 hrs sleep at best in 72+ hrs I feel ok. I was telling myself earlier not to worry because A) I SHOULD feel this way after what I've been thru & B)I've felt worse when I was using & sleep deprived. So I can get thru this as well...much easier since I'm not medicated thus increasing the drowsy, groggy, whoozy state of mind!

    Thanx again for the support...and for paying it forward! It's a Godsend what you all do here,,,nothing short of saving lives!

    (((Hugs))) to Reid
    winged eagle likes this.

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