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Hi I am new here...but I have many questions....
First, let me give you the background. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. In October 2009 I learned of his opiate addiction (only because I found his Suboxone). I asked him what it was and he tried to lie his way out of it and tell me it was something for diabetes. Well I had looked it up and knew what it was, so I was prepared for his lie. Since then I have found random Xanex and Adderol (which he does NOT have a perscription for) around and he has lied about having them.He has been taking the Suboxone for 18 months now and that is the only thing he has done for his recovery! No NA or anything!!!!! Recently, someone called me and told me he had been smoking crack and using cocaine!!!!! Well this was news to me...so at first he denied it and then 2 days later he admitted to using cocaine for about 6months before he started the Suboxone. Now last week I found another Adderol in his car, and he tells me it is old!
I am at a complete loss as to what to do! I am not at all into the drug altered state life!!!!! I just cannot look at him the same! I am completely unattracted to him and I am very angry at him for lying to me for 4 years!!!! I want him to get help, but I don't know if I will ever look at him the same or if I can ever trust ANYTHING he says!!! I am very hurt and hateful!!!!!
Any help, insight, suggestions, ....anything is appreciated!
Kelly, I am so sorry for what is going on with you right now..... Lately there have been a few people posting that are in the same boat as you Munchinmom in particular.. I would encourage you to read her thread and you will quickly see the similarity's.. The bottom line is, the addict does not know how NOT to lie, manipulate or do whatever they need to do to get what they need or get out of what they did to loved ones. IT is serious business and it is life or death. But the person needs to want to do it for themselves. My feeling is if he has lied once, he will lie again... Suboxone for Diabetes?? Good one. now smoking crack.... Not a good path and unless he "gets it" it WILL NOT end well. I would tell him how you feel, I would be honest and not deviate. Tough love. The truth is, HE HAS GOT TO WANT TO CHANGE. Keep posting and I am sure you will hear many variations on what I just said, but know we support you and will be here for you. I am an addict. I have done all the things he is doing. The difference is, I WANTED TO CHANGE and I DID.....But it took me a long time to "want too" thus the name CaughtAgain... LEt us know what we can do and ask away about your concerns..............CA...Reid
Well, if he has Suboxone, than he is most likely addicted to other opiates. It's possible for someone to use Suboxone recreationally, but not very practical. Have you asked him if he's into percocet, vicodin, lortab, oxycontin, >>>>>>, morphine, etc.?
I am sorry that you are going through this. It is a little disturbing how many of you are on this same forum, with the same issue. It is such a difficult and 'unfair' situation. But I am glad you found a place to vent and receive support.
Munchkinsmom is having the same exact issue-perhaps you can read her posts and divulge some information from that thread. A lot of people have given very good advice on that and other related threads. One of them is "Am I kidding myself" and another is "I need support" (or something like that)
The best way to move forward is to consider his actions-not his words. Active Addicts are unbelievably unwilling to admit how much/how often, etc. IF he is at a place in his life where he wants to change, and IF you are willing to go through the journey with him then by all means go for it. Unfortunately, it sounds as is he is still lying and more interested in maintaining the lifestyle he has then he is in recovery.
I would make an 'appointment' with him to sit down and discuss your concerns, the facts you know and see how he handles the conversation. He could do any one of several things:
-lie about his use/minimalize it, etc
-get angry and defensive-doesn't think he has a problem
-say he wants to change, but on the inside he doesn't really (or isn't ready to)
-say he wants to change and really means it.
The last one is the only one that counts toward recovery and rebuilding the trust and life he once had with you.
I am sure you know that there are always underlying reasons for drug use/abuse. If he has been using for 4-5 years now and you never found out then he would be considered a 'functional addict.' It is what I have been for 8-9 years. I am sure there a lot of different opinions on this idea, but I will throw it out there anyways. In SOME ways, a 'functional addict' may be even harder to convince that they need to stop using because their lives have not fallen apart (as obviously) as someone with a much more visible problem. They hold jobs, maintain friendships, seem like a good parent, etc. They don't see their using a problem because the majority of their life is still going smoothly. But whether I am a 'functional' addict or an addict strung out on the street, the answer is the same. An addict is an addict.
Keep posting and let us know a little more about his use (IF you are comfortable with that) I know other people will stop by and give you some support and advice. Keep posting. It is good therapy. OH-and kudos for writing the letter and then burning it. Awesome way to work on this.
peace to you-
Last edited by cowildflower; 03-01-2011 at 01:06 PM.
Reason: type o
I think this is an issue you need to bring to a therapist and or marriage counsellor. You need to decide whether or not this is something you want to work for or if the feelings are just not there anymore.
I must also say our last argument was about the way I was acting towards him! He is angry because for the past 3 1/2 weeks I have not shown him any affection! He wants me to give him a hug and say that everything will be ok, and I wont do that! I resent him for what he has done to our marriage. I see a counselor and she as said that addicts are very manipulative...but I can't stand the fact that he is making me feel guilty/bad for not showing him affection! Be has been to a drug counselor 1x and I think that is great, but 1x isn't going to cut it! I am not sure if he truly understands how I feel or what he has done! It seems like he thinks everything should mist go back to normal! UGH!!!!!!
[Kellyoo8, your story is actually strikingly similiar to my story, only I was on the other side of it. So, perhaps I can share about my experience, and it may help you. First off, your reaction of anger and resentment is completely normal. My (ex)wife felt the exact same way that you described. In my case, she threatened to divorce me, and I had a lot to lose in the divorce. Not only losing my family and kids half the time, but I was making substantial income at the time. The only thing that made me want to stop was she was dead serious, and addicts know the difference between a bluff and bs because we are the biggest lying and manipulative people out there. It scared the hell out of me. Not only that, but I started to see what it was doing to my mental health, so I also wanted to do it for myself. An addict has to want to do it for themself, but there has to be tough love involved, often even an ultimatum. Tolerance, patience, and love will not get him clean. He will most likely just take advantage of your good nature, which I'm sure he already has done. So, the bottom line is, that is what made me want to stop. If she didn't take that hard line approach and let me hit my bottom, I don't know if I would have ever stopped. Addiction is progressive, so it will only get worse over time unless he decides he wants to stop. He will need help - barely any addicts can get clean on their own. In my case, I used the NA program, daily meetings, and it worked for me because I wanted it.
There is ALWAYS hope
Originally Posted by kellyoo8
Hi, Im Tina. Im new around here, too. And Im making it due to the lovely people on the forum.
Ive been having a rough time with my suboxone, attempting to diffuse my active addiction.
That's neither here nor there, I just wanted to introduce myself.
Anywho, unfortunately, your story is a lot like Munchkinsmom, (i think thats her handle). I agree, you may want to read her thread, if you havent, because 1. you will see that you are not alone 2. you will become familiar with the manipulation and lies you are experiencing 3. you MAY be able to make some important decisions w/ more ease because 4. you will see more clearly what's going on.
Im so sorry for your situation. There are meetings for family members of addicts. IDK where you are, there's only al-anon where I am, but some cities have that (al-anon) and nar-non. These meetings usually deal with issues of codependency and the like. I know my family members went to them when I was super messed up.
Active addiction is deceptive. Manipulation and lies, and usually we addicts are out of control. Please. Take care of yourself. If you do that, then you can feel good knowing his addiction didn't drag you down too.. If he wants help,you can point him in the right direction, but he has to do the work.
Best of Luck
I am in a similar situation, so I understand your frustration, anger, and grief. I posted a story like yours not long ago that gives the background if you want to go back and read it. I can say that those are normal feelings from both personal experience and from reading this forum. What everyone else has posted is pretty much true....HE has to want to do it. My husband has quit twice....and I hope he won't have to quit a 3rd time, but that possibility is always going to be out there.
You have to make a personal decision on what you want to do and what is worth saving. In my situation, I had the perfect husband (who was a functional addict unbeknownst to me). He cooked, cleaned, participated in activities with our child, he was well respected at work. But we started to "grow apart"....he would help his best friend (AKA - drug buddy) with all kinds of projects and would spend less and less time with me. I actually started to get jealous of his bro-mance...never even realizing why.
He told me the 1st time about his habit, I never knew. He said he wanted to quit but needed my help. He quit smoking pot and cigarettes cold turkey in the past so I was confident that he had the strength to quit this too. And he did for a while. The cold turkey withdraws were tough, but I stuck by him and encouraged him. He made it....so I thought.
He put us in a heap of debt!!! And I am talking a BIG heap!!! Tens of thousands of dollars and we got on a program that is working. So.....fast forward to a year and a half later. I started to get suspicious and those suspicions just grew with time. I got to the point where I whipped out an over the counter drug test and he did not even have to take it because he admitted to me he was using again. I was FURIOUS!!! I told him things were over, etc....I screamed, yelled, and threatened. Then while I was out later that day, he researched where the NA meetings were in our area and told me when he got home he was going to a meeting....he did not do that the 1st time. That was a little over 2 weeks ago and things are going great so far. He does not go every day, but he has gone 3Xs or more a week so far.
I thought I researched and knew a lot last time, but I have found the 2nd time around, I didn't know squat! He and I both have realized that the last time he quit, we were both too uneducated to know better. He is making more effort to stay clean now and I now understand the addiction better. Although I have not posted much on the forums, I have read them extensively (on and off) for over 2 years. Many stories have inspired me and helped me understand both sides of the story.
It took a lot for me to set aside my anger and resentment, but I feel like a better person now that I am able to assist him in this journey. Don't get me wrong, the trust is still something we are working on. I am able to accept that this is a disease that can creep up at any time instead of looking at it as something "he just was being selfish about" .....I don't know how it will all work out, but I guess as they say: "One day at a time...."
I know I rambled a lot, and I am sorry...I could ramble a lot more to be honest. I hope this helps you feel you are not alone. Best wishes!
I am sure many people have touched some of the things I am going to say but didn't want to read all through the articles. So it definitely seems like he has issues with addiction let alone drugs. He is most likely replacing the other drugs with his Opiate addiction with something else. He needs therapy, simply put. I just can relate to what he went/is going through. When I first tried to quit cold turkey I started drinking A LOT in addition to using things like Adderol and Coccaine because it kinda made me feel the same euphoria. In terms of Suboxone he could be using it just to get prescribed opiates but some people stay on Suboxone a long time before they can get off it. But honestly he should be starting to taper off the drug by now. But what I can suggest is have him get to a therapist that specializes in addiction. There may be more underlying causes for his drug abuse. For me I was self-medicating a lack of self-confidence and a severe depression with whatever I could get my hands on and never thought that "Hey they have medical treatment for this!" You guys are in a lifelong partnership, talk with him, you want to help him. Try to get him to see a therapist, Cognitive therapists are amazing. I couldn't be more thankful for my therapist, they work on changing the way you think and not just feel. About 90% of all depressed people are usually getting depressed by their own feelings ie if you start doubting yourself and think that you are no good you will start getting upset, down on yourself, and eventually get depressed all because of your thought process.
It's tough because you are married but the other advice is there should be no reason why you have to find these things out about him. He SHOULD NOT be lieing to his wife, I is just not good. You need to look out for yourself as well. He will get extremely frustrated with your attempts to help him but it's up to him to let you help. Like you said he has never been to an AA meeting so honestly he may not even think he has a problem at all. I used to be like that as well, and I was shooting >>>>>>e and snorting 2-3 80mg of OC a day.
Long story short, he needs help, medical help. I wish you the best, we will be here for support. Hopefully we can help out your husband!
@Exhausted...your story sounds very similar to mine! Thank you for your post! My husband went to a drug counselor last week and has another appointment this week. Be seems to want to get better, but it is frustrating that he doesn't understand my feelings of disgust and resentment! I would feel much better if he would even attempt a NA meeting or something, but he has Charlie Sheen syndrome....he thinks he can do it by himself! Another thing that concerns me is be drinks at least 1-2 (sometimes more) alcoholic beverages 4-5x a week. I don't know if it is really a problem but it seems to me if you have an addictive personality you probably shouldn't trade one addiction for another, am I wrong to think that?
I agree, replacing one addiction with another is not good. My husband does not care to drink so I lucked out in that department! I enjoy a beer myself and am not sure if your husband's drinking is a problem....but the same as the drugs were not initially a problem... they became one....the drinking could become one too eventually. I personally do not have issues with my husband drinking because he does it so rarely....and has admitted he doesn't want to because he fears it could just make him want his drug of choice.
The counselor is a step in the right direction. My husband went to several NA meetings (he said he was not excited to walk into a group of strangers but knew he needed to) and has found 2 groups he likes a lot so far. And he actually feels good once he leaves them. They have several here every day of the week.
I understand your disgust and resentment, I really do. I felt the same thing. My husband did not quite understand it either at first (maybe he still doesn't? ...we are still working on it). When I caught him the 2nd time, he told me my anger and mood swings did not help him. He suggested counseling (almost shifting blame). I was angry and I did have mood swings, that all started with his habit as we never even raised our voices at each other in 10-12 years of marriage before that. It was later that day that he went to his 1st NA meeting. Then while he was there I came to this forum AGAIN to seek guidance. It took me a few days, but I got rid of the anger. I hated to be angry and knew that it was not helping.
The best advice I can give you if you want to stick it out for the long haul is to accept the addiction. You don't have to like it, but know it is there and will never go away. Educate yourself and offer support. As much as I hated to hear it, once he came clean with ALL of the details, I was able to know what I had to look for and what I needed to do to help him in his sobriety. You have to start with a calm attitude and stay that way no matter what you hear. Honesty opens so many doors, but you have to make him feel comfortable enough to share. Then ask questions so you understand HIS side of the story. I am still in the learning process myself even though this is our 2nd round.....but the progress so far is fabulous! I wish you all the best and am happy to be a shoulder to cry on if you need it!
Exausted, thank you as you have painted a picture of an addict in recovery. He is taking actions to make himself better. The fact that he told you he found 2 NA groups that he likes and wants to choose 1 as a homegroup says it all for me. I was in that exact position in my early recovery, and I still go to meetings after 5 years clean. It does happen. Keep watching him to see if he is maintaining that same enthusiasm as the days, weeks, and months go by. I am happy for you.
If you don't see your addict spouse taking actions and trying to get help, he probably isn't going to get clean and stay clean. That is where the tough love needs to come in. I know this affliction from both sides, as an addict and as a step-parent of an addict. I know that if you don't see them getting help, they probably have no current intention to get clean. Addicts are experts at deception, lying, manipulating, stalling, and leeching. But, if they start taking the actions to get help and work on themselves, they can become great people. Key word - action, action, action.
There is ALWAYS hope
I totally agree watch the drinking as it is the number one abused substance in the world, technically. It's easy to get ahold of, it can be cheap, and it's legal while it takes the edge off. Exhausted seems like she has some very good advice for you and if I were in her husbands shoes I would see his frustration.
I can relate as I have to get it from my parents (yes I am young, 27 in a month, but moved back home). They never really yelled but the frustration was there. They were as supportive as they could be but they just pushed and pushed me. The worse it got the more I would hold back. So I spoke with them, I told them I need them to back off. I told them I know what I did was horrible but if they wanted me to get better I needed them to stop making me feel poorly about myself and for me to think positively about myself and to have a solid foundation of support. After that talk my parents did a total 180 and here I am 8 days without illegal opioids ( I am on suboxone but I am on a 4-6 week plan and I take small dosages!).
I hope things will get better, keep your head high, everyone will do their best to help you out. I bet you can get through this. It takes a lot to admit the situation that is going on to others and to seek help is amazing. I know this is your husband but I know it isn't easy to explain the story to other people
Thanks for your good describing. Already you are new here. You can ask to Robert about your problem and also know about tapering plan of suboxone. You will get good result. Best of luck.
Last edited by ddcmod; 03-03-2011 at 03:31 PM.
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