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Need some advice Please
  1. #1
    tf1
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    Default Need some advice Please

    Ugh. I've lurked on this forum a few times in the past. Honestly, I've thought I'm not as bad as the people on this forum. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for thinking that way. I've tricked myself into thinking I am okay and I realize I'm not.

    I need help.

    I started using hydrocodone 5/500 a few years ago for a few injuries. I was very good about not taking more than necessary, etc. However, I always loved the euphoric feeling I got from taking the pills. I have social anxiety that can creep on me very badly and I noticed the pills made me feel better socially. I enjoy talking to people and engaging when I take.

    Fast forward to two years ago. The job I was on was extremely stressful and I realized I had some pills stashed away and I started using them to help me through the day. The slippery slop started there and once a week became twice a week. Twice a week became every other day. Every other day became once a day. Once a day become...etc.

    For the last two years I've been using anywhere from 5mg - 40mg a day.

    So here I am. I've been trying to cut down to two 10/325 per day. I can get through the day on that amount. However, I often catch myself taking an extra 10/325 more often than not.

    So I'm trying to decide. I have about 20 pills left. Should I just flush them? I've tried to taper in the past and I've ended up chomping through them. Each month I tell myself if I can hold off until the next refill, I'll use the refill to taper off but then I don't. It's a stupid mind game and I'm tired of the whole thing. I just want to stop.

    I've talked to my wife and she has helped me in the past but I've gone back and forth a couple of times. I'm open with her and she's supportive of it. Nobody else has any idea. I'm even ashamed this time to tell her that I've fallen back into the habit.

    Any advice? I really really need support right now.

    I haven't taken anything today.

  2. #2
    chuuuuck is offline Junior Member
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    Welcome to the forums tf1,

    I recently just joined myself. But I wanted to especially reply to you because of how much your story reminds me of my own. I had a "trigger" that got me started a couple of years ago, but my pattern of use very much followed your own. And I often though I don't have as bad as a problem as others, but the real issue is our bodies have become physically dependent on them.

    Unfortunately, I made a poor decision 3-4 months ago. I switched to suboxone on my own thinking it would help me taper off of the lortabs. What I didn't know about suboxone was that it was made for a much more serious problem than what I had and what you have. That is to not diminish the problem you and I have, but it is a very strong drug. One thread I read a while back (after I already made the switch) was "using subs to help with your 50 mg/day hydro problem is like taking speed to fix your caffeine problem." I believe this is a very true statement.

    This is only my opinion, but I think it is simple that, yes, you do have a problem, but luckily it isn't as bad as it could get. I can tell you now that I have been on suboxone for a while, that your problem is MUCH easier to handle right now then it would be if you came to suboxone. I tapered and did w/ds from Lortabs a couple of times, they were annoying, but they are not NEAR as bad as suboxone or any harder drug. I think the answer is to definitely taper yourself. But, what I have learned, is that I had triggers that made me use to get rid of my own anxiety and other things. I think you will need to talk to someone about that anxiety and start getting help to learn to deal with those things before mentally you will stop taking the pills to fix those problems. Once you learn to fix those, I would then taper down at a rate similar to Robert's plan for suboxone. Just try to lower your dose 25% every 3-4 days. I remember the worst part of my w/ds from hydro was bad headaches. Just have a bottle of ibuprofen ready and maybe nyquil or something else to help at night and you should be fine.

    I wish you the best of luck getting out of this.

    Chuck

  3. #3
    tf1
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    Chuck,

    Thanks for replying. I had a couple bad anxiety attacks at work (old stressful job) and it was in the middle of a meeting. I had to excuse myself. I hid in the restroom for an hour and just tried to calm myself down. Those experiences scared me so bad and hydrocodone made everything feel "safe" I just rationalized it was okay to take the pills.

    I've talked to my doctor about the anxiety and she prescribed me xanax which I rarely take. It does help but I know that I already dug myself into too deep with hydro and I don't want to end up in another ditch with xanax. I do take the xanax once in a while (.25mg once every two weeks).

    Thanks for the advice. I wrote out a taper schedule similar to what you recommended but I've been undisciplined in sticking to it. I've always been highly driven and motivated and I'm so damn disappointed in myself right now.

  4. #4
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    T, Welcome to the forum.... Your quandry has a simple answer that is hard to do... Flush them. Addictive personality does not lend well to the "taper" plan. As hard as it is to do, once you do you are that much ahead of the game. Use your thread as a journal and post and post often.. You will go through about 5 days of feeling like you have the flu, but then you never have to go through that again. There are great people on here who can guide you and answer any questions you have.. That is the other cool thing; we "get it" and have been where you are right now at some point in our own journey. So, welcome.. All my best, Reid
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  5. #5
    BlackBirdFly is offline New Member
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    Hey Tf1, your story and chuck are all too similar to mine. It's amazing where we end up and who would even believe it. I'm going trough my second time detox and I have recipe from the heavens, from experience, extensive research, and other addicts. Tapering is the way to go, I sucked at it no joke. But it's better those last few days to take very little and stay busy no matter how that sucks, either was you have to stop when there gone. I'm here to help you and I'm on day 3 of my at home dt. I feel ya girl life is soooo much better on the other side. So be defeated, be scared, and be upset about but when the time comes to d/t, drop those emotions bc you're going into battle. Here for you! Oh one more little addy, I have the love of my life finally, who didn't even know what a percocet was, and now I had to tell him this, and he's got to help me. To say the least that sucked. But they love us and we NEED a support group. Rebecca

  6. #6
    tf1
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    Quote Originally Posted by caughtagain View Post
    T, Welcome to the forum.... Your quandry has a simple answer that is hard to do... Flush them. Addictive personality does not lend well to the "taper" plan. As hard as it is to do, once you do you are that much ahead of the game. Use your thread as a journal and post and post often.. You will go through about 5 days of feeling like you have the flu, but then you never have to go through that again. There are great people on here who can guide you and answer any questions you have.. That is the other cool thing; we "get it" and have been where you are right now at some point in our own journey. So, welcome.. All my best, Reid
    Thanks Reid. In my heart, I know you're right. I can't speak for anyone else. Tapering for me has been a way to make peace with the fact that I'm using and lie to myself that I'm trying to stop because I'm tapering.

    I haven't taken anything this morning. Usually, I've at least taken something by this time. I feel the anxiousness creeping up. I really don't want to tell my wife that I'm in the midst of this again.

  7. #7
    Strong Desire is offline Advanced Member
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    Hi tf1,

    Welcome to the forum! I just want to put a little different spin on it. I was abusing drugs for about 7 years. I tried EVERYTHING to clean up my act. Cold turkey so many times, and yes I tapered until I was blue in the face, literally! The ONLY thing that has gotten me to get my life back in order WAS the Suboxone!

    I'm certainly NOT saying you should or shouldn't try it. That's YOUR decision to make. I am just telling you what worked for ME. I had heard and read that it ENDED ALL CRAVINGS and that is what was stopping me....the cravings!

    Ever since my first dose last Monday I have felt awesome! Really good! And I have had ZERO cravings to this point. I do agree with the others to "flush" those remaining pills and DO NOT get a refill. I also agree that if you can taper then go with that first and foremost. But that does take so much courage and discipline to accomplish. I would just gobble what pills I had left. So just my opinion only in this and that is what has worked for ME!

    I wish you the very best with whatever you choose to do. Many here as you can see already will guide and support you all the way through this. You have definitely come to the right place! Very nice to meet you and take care of yourself. Post as much as you can too! Makes ALL the difference!

    Big Hugs,
    Karen

  8. #8
    tf1
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    [ deleted - swearing ]
    Last edited by ddcmod; 06-21-2012 at 01:53 PM.

  9. #9
    chuuuuck is offline Junior Member
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    Tf, our situation is soooo similar. I just told my gf today about it all. She didn't know any of it. I am not sure of her reaction yet, I am letting it sink in for a while. But it feels like a huge weight is lifted once those close to you around you know. At least I can quit hiding it and hopefully have support around me working towards fixing it.

    I agree with Karen that suboxone is a great drug. I am just not sure it is necessary for the level of problems you and I have. Unfortunately I already made the choice and am on it without looking into it too much. Evaluate your options, make a plan, get a support group around you that is on board with the plan, and stick with it.

    Posting here does help a lot too.

    You can do it!

  10. #10
    tf1
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    Chuck,

    I'm sure she will support you. I felt like garbage fessing up again. My wife was understanding but said I really need to make an effort to get better. I'm a lot like you Chuck just a few years older, college graduate, professional career, active competitor in a sport I love.

    I really appreciate your support. I read your thread and I'm sorry you feel like you jumped onto something that maybe you shouldn't have. Thing is you're young enough to put this behind you and it's a valuable lesson. It's hard to lose people you care about. Nobody understands that pain until they experience it. You can't describe anxiety to someone else. I used to hear people talk about it and I was kind of smug really - until it happened to me.

    Keep posting and I'll keep posting too. We're going to get through this. I'm sure of it.

  11. #11
    caughtagain is offline Diamond Member
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    First of all.... Good for both of you to find eachother here on this site... When I went through this almost 3 years ago, I teamed up with a few on this forum and as a result they have become like family to me. The people on here, "get it" and can immediatly identify with what others are going through.. It is great to have so many understand the deal.. Next I also agree about not needing the Subs at your level.. 5 days of feeling like poo... That is what you would be up against, Just strap a $ack on and get through it,., Dilly dallying with a taper at the level.... Just flush em. Get it over with... (just my humble opinion).. Addiction is crazy men... IT doesn;t differentiate class.. It hits hard.. if you are a colleger grad or someone in the streets banging H... IT is all the same. O.k. so game plan time, 5 days of the flu.... You need to WANT IT and just go hard... For those 5 days, just treat the symptoms as they come... Post and post a lot... When I went through it, I just sat in my office, felt like A$$ and posted... and posted more and just dealt with it as it came.. I worked out each day, I drank a ton of fluids, took a boatload of Immodium and by the end of the 5 days I never looked back... In a few weeks, I will celebrate 3 years. So, if I can do it, SO can you... All my best guys, REid
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  12. #12
    tf1
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    Ok, it's been 24 hours since I last took anything. The only way I can describe how I feel is agitated. I'm thinking the next two days are gonna be the rough ones...not out of the woods yet.

  13. #13
    chuuuuck is offline Junior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by tf1 View Post
    Chuck,

    I'm sure she will support you. I felt like garbage fessing up again. My wife was understanding but said I really need to make an effort to get better. I'm a lot like you Chuck just a few years older, college graduate, professional career, active competitor in a sport I love.

    I really appreciate your support. I read your thread and I'm sorry you feel like you jumped onto something that maybe you shouldn't have. Thing is you're young enough to put this behind you and it's a valuable lesson. It's hard to lose people you care about. Nobody understands that pain until they experience it. You can't describe anxiety to someone else. I used to hear people talk about it and I was kind of smug really - until it happened to me.

    Keep posting and I'll keep posting too. We're going to get through this. I'm sure of it.

    Wow, we truly are a lot a lot. Seems like we got started for the same reasons as well (anxiety). And it started off 1 every other day or so until eventually 5 per day. I am still a very active basketball player even though I don't really play competitively at my age, but it is still what I enjoy.

    So, you said 24 hours with nothing and you feel agitated. What you are doing now is one thing I have personal experience with. Did you flush them or do you still have them? I have seen others say flush them and put up with the 5 ?????? days. That is your personal choice in how much will power you have. I personally would taper. I think I would have the discipline to do it at this point, I wish I would of before just jumping into subs. But if you don't feel you can, then I think toughing it out is better than any other option.

    It also could help if you planned it a little bit even if you dont' think you can taper all of the way. Start taking vitamins (there is a list of which ones around here). Start regulating your sleep every night, working out each evening vigorously, eat healthy, take caffeine out of your diet, and then maybe plan a time period where you can get a handful of days off. Make your first actual day of not using your last day at work, tough that out and then have the days off.

    That is probably how I would handle it, but I also would try to taper down to maybe 10 mg per day, split 5/5 before I jumped. You will have to decide what you have the will power to do.

    Good luck bud. You will be fine, and you are right, we are both young and have a lot to look forward to. Get over this and then we can do anything we want. Let us know how it is going.

  14. #14
    percohater is offline New Member
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    Hi TF,
    I read through your post and I have nearly the same story as you. Used percocets as a means to alleviate social anxiety and also enhance myself in the workplace. Turned into a daily habit and soon to 60-100mg per day, depending on what was going on.
    Similar to you, I became fed up, and started a sort of "half-ass" taper - with no real endpoint in sight. I was tapering down to about 40mg daily. But then, 2 days ago my girflriend found my resideual stash of 15 pills. She confronted with me, and like you, I was very ashamed. She was there for my last detox and it pained her to see me go through it, but more that I felt I needed something like it. I got over it - but I relapsed and here I am. That day I had taken 3 10/325. Seeing her tears I looked at myself in the mirror - and knowing that I had 7 days off work (and extremely physically and mentally demanding job) - I knew there was no other choice. And I flushed those pills, which had been my most prized possessions, down the toilet.
    I think Chuck is right - it can help to taper. I did taper to some degree - but I am not good at it like you. FLushing the pills was incredibly empowering. Here I am in the twilight of day 2, and I feel OK. Part of it is the Thomas Recipe - not sure if you have heard of it but I am using it. It helps alleviate the symptoms you will feel (or have already started to feel). A link to it is below.
    Best of luck to you friend - I will check in on you as I think we are going through this at around the same timeframe...



    http://www.drugs.com/forum/featured-...wal-35169.html

  15. #15
    tf1
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    Just wanted to post back in here since this is the thread I started about my situation. I've been cross posting in other threads because there's a couple others on here with a very similar situations to mine and I want to make sure I'm spreading the support around.

    Last night went fairly smooth. I tired myself out to a ridiculous level and I slept like a baby. I actually feel really well this morning and I'm quite surprised. I'm bracing myself for something to sneak up on me but I'm feeling good so far. In six hours it will be two days of no pills and I'll be starting on day 3. Day 3 has been a make or break day for me in the past. I plan on staying physical with crossfit and jiu-jitsu training for the next few days to keep busy. Feeling strong right now.

  16. #16
    tf1
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    So my stomach is really funky this morning. I took a couple Imodium caps. Hopefully all will settle down. My body feels ok right now.

    I've been thinking a lot. The last 2-3 years every major event in my life I was on vicodin - kind of not happy about that. I'm wondering what I misssed.

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    Lost_soldier is offline Member
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    heya buddy,

    it's important to not dwell on the past right now. Staying active as you are will keep the withdrawals at bay. I am active duty military and working out was my savior. Keep strong and do not worry about the past right now my friend

  18. #18
    deleted116 is offline Member
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    You are doing a great job.....

    I'm bracing myself for something to sneak up on me but I'm feeling good so far

    I found what was key was to just focus on how I felt at the moment. Don't spend any time worrying about what's to come. If you feel good or o.k. in this hour, be grateful and enjoy it. Alot of this is mental so don't psych yourself out.

    Keeping active is great and will help you sleep better. Keep up the good work!
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    thalia45 is offline Member
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    Thank God it is Friday. The weekend is so much better for managing problems... may the force (you) be with you. -Jana

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by thalia45 View Post
    Thank God it is Friday. The weekend is so much better for managing problems... may the force (you) be with you. -Jana
    Uhhhhh......just how high are you????

  21. #21
    tf1
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    At 2pm today I passed the day 2 mark. Feeling decent right now besides the stomach acting funky. Did some intense exercise this afternoon and that helped. Feeling good and keeping strong.

  22. #22
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    hang in there mate. you are doin great.... wont be long till the worst is over and you never have to look back...

  23. #23
    ClassiqueMom is offline Senior Member
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    if you can exercise.. even just move and do a bit more each day..
    i believe it will make a huge difference, physically and mentally! in helping
    both your brain and body heal.. good work! keep us posted!

    Classique MoM

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    Lost_soldier is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by thalia45 View Post
    Thank God it is Friday. The weekend is so much better for managing problems... may the force (you) be with you. -Jana
    Jana?/Thalia
    TF is making a valid attempt to come clean. Please do not bring your doped up rubbish over here. He has the courage to jump cold turkey and man up to life as it happens. as i can tell he is not hiding behind a web of lies while still using. become clean before throwing out "TGIF Garbage". i have only been sober (pills and alcohol) for a little over 2 months so i am in no way better than anyone on here but it's mockery you make of this site that is unwanted. I wish you the best and will pray for you but please do not impede on his progress with posts from a mind on pills.
    :/

    -B
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  25. #25
    Lost_soldier is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by ClassiqueMom View Post
    if you can exercise.. even just move and do a bit more each day..
    i believe it will make a huge difference, physically and mentally! in helping
    both your brain and body heal.. good work! keep us posted!

    Classique MoM
    Hiya Momma!~
    ClassiqueMom likes this.

  26. #26
    tf1
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    Thanks for the encouragement. I went to Crossfit for a 5pm training session and I pushed myself as hard as possible. I don't know if it makes sense but I'm taking all the pain and anger and just letting it out with hard intense workouts. I almost came to tears doing pullups. I know it sounds nuts but it feels cathartic to just push myself physically to the breaking point right now. It makes me tired and able to sleep and just plain good.

    I compete in my sport and I look back and realize the pills robbed me of really competing at the top of my ability. I have a competition coming up in four weeks and I can't wait to compete with a sound body and mind.
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  27. #27
    ARTIST658 is offline Platinum Member
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    Dear tf1,

    It sounds like you're doing great, so I just wanted to pass on a little encouragement and support.

    I don't know if you're experiencing the psychological/emotional withdrawal off these pills - or if the major factor is simply the physical detox. It does make a difference to what you need to do now. Here's my point. Drug dependency occurs when our bodies undergo withdrawal symptoms when we stop the drug, as our bodies have become dependent upon the drug to try to operate "normally."

    Drug addiction also includes the mental preoccupation with using the drugs - the cravings or obsessive thoughts for more. Since I didn't see you mentioning this, I'm wondering if your issue was simply drug dependency, more than actual drug addiction.

    If the problem is only physical drug dependency, once you are clear from detoxing, you should be able to move on with your life. However, if the problem is actually addiction, you'll need additional help to make the inner changes that are required to cope with life, drug free. It's when we're contending with "addiction" that we need the help of AA, NA or CR.

    Only you can know what's going on in your own head right now. But if you find yourself plagued with the thoughts and desire to use again - I suggest you seek out some 12-step meetings for help.

    Also - before you develop any kind of crutch with a benzo drug (i.e., valium, klonopin, xanax, etc.) - you are much better off seeking professional help to deal with the anxiety. These drugs are NOT intended to deal with ordinary day-to-day life, but only intended for a short-term crisis situation. Benzo addiction is quite common; these drugs easily lend themselves to physical dependency. I see them as a 'last resort' - but not a fire line of defense.

    Congrats on your progress...

    God bless,
    Ruth

    You will know the truth - and only the truth can set you free.

  28. #28
    ClassiqueMom is offline Senior Member
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    hi tf1

    sooooo glad you can 'work it out' during this detox..
    it will make allll the difference.. (did i say that before?)
    'cathartic' .. yep! that's a perfect word.. (*L* .. i had to look it up, so i know!)

    ..and stay away from the benzo, if you can.. exercise will do wayyyy better!! for your mind. (imho)

    keep moving forward.. you're on the right track!
    God Bless!
    Classique MoM
    Last edited by ClassiqueMom; 06-23-2012 at 06:31 AM.
    P - R - A - Y - E - R
    When life gets too hard to stand...KNEEL !

  29. #29
    tf1
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    Thanks everyone for the advice and support. I'm not sure how deep my level of mental addiction is. I did spend a lot of time counting pills, double checking them as if they'd run off. Right now im noticing mental notes of "I would take a few pills right now".

    I'm taking the advice on the benzos. So far I've only needed .5 mg of Xanax which is low and I
    Don't think I'll need more.

    Last night I dreamed I was injured and in the ER. The ER doc was trying give me Vicodin and all I could think about was that I couldn't break my second day of being clean. Woke up so happy it was just a dream.

  30. #30
    tf1
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    I'm at the 3day mark now starting day 4. I'm feeling pretty good physically but I catch myself thinking about pills. Honestly, I think I flushed the pills at the right time. I think
    I was at the threshold of the addiction becoming full blown as I was starting to regularly increase my dosages in search of that "feeling". I remember being so disappointed when I would use and not feel anything.

    Anyhow, I feel great and am looking forward. I'll keep
    Posting.

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