need to quit...

[tdub]

I have been dealing with addiction my whole life. you know how it starts, weed, acid, a little coke. then it moved on to a LOT of crack for a about 4 years. when I met my boyfriend we got high together all the time. we would drive to d.c. to cop, in between 'roadtrips' we would snort heroin or ketamin. sometimes taking ecstacy, and lots of other pills. well about 6 months into our relationship, I got pregnant.

once I decided to have the baby, I told myself I was going to be the best mom I could be. I quit using, and I told my bf he would have to do this with me. I stayed clean my whole pregnacy (except I smoked weed twice) and my bf did ok. he slipped a couple times. after I had my daughter we stayed with his parents, we started using again. for a year we smoked rocks on a weekly basis, until I just wanted to kill myself. I knew that if I didn't quit this that my daughter would be as screwed up as me. we finally quit smoking crack, but then I discovered ordering pills online. so for the past 2 years I've been taking norco's and vic's.

the thing about the pills is that I can actually control myself on them. I was taking 4-5 a day. but I can function, be a good mom, go to work, take care of the house, and basically live a 'normal' life. nobody would ever know that I'm an addict. I actually started to feel human again, and enjoy every minute with my child. over time I've tapered down to 2 1/2 a day. I know I need to quit, we've discussed it a lot. I do very well at my job, and have the potential to be great. I feel the pills are hindering me, almost in a karmic kind of way. I feel that if I quit the pills I'll go farther, and save money.

we stopped ordering one bottle, so now we only get one bottle a month. that means about 1 1/2 pills a day for the both of us. I just want to stop, but I am so afraid. I don't think I can live without drugs. I'm sorry this is so long, I am really frustrated right now. I feel really scared and alone. I guess I should get help, but the problem is that I don't want to quit. I just need to. thanks for reading this.

[helpme12]

i am 14yrs old and ihav become very very addicted to painkillers since afew months ago and at first i didn't know i was addicted but my parents have noticed i have been taking 2painkillers every hour and theywant me to go to rehab but i think it doesn't matter cos i just can't stop i hav become addicted cosit helps me soak up all

[kyhomegirl]

Hey tdub, thats great your down to only a few a day!! I wish I was. My situation is kind-of like yours, except I was on crystal for about 2 and a half years. That is trully the devils drug that I knew would destroy me and my family, so I went to rehab, got clean, then had a kidney infection when pregnant, put on percocets. Then I discovered a way to enjoy waking up in the morning, cleaning my house, playing with my kids,etc...I realize I just traded my addiction and now I take way to many a day only to not get w/d. But anyways I believe your on the right path to quit. Just keep trying, and hang in there!!

[tdub]

kyhomegirl- thanks for your reply. I know I'm not alone in my struggles, but it really feels like it sometimes. I'm afraid that I can't function without the pills. that if I stop taking them, everything is going to fall apart. I keep thinking that if I stop taking them, that I'll start drinking or using something else again.

honestly, if it weren't for the money, I would still be ordering 2 bottles a month. and I have these really selfish thoughts that I wish my bf would just quit taking them so I could have more per day. when we were getting 2 bottles, I was able to take 4 or 5 a day and still have enough for the month, and to share with him. I don't want to quit.

another problem with me quitting, is that I've had alot of horrible things happen to me in my life (I'm not using this as an excuse). alot of things that I don't want to think about. so the pills (or drug of choice at the time) are helping me to push those thoughts away, and lead a normal life. I don't want to be depressed and suicidal (sp?). it's like these stupid pills are the fabric that is holding my life together.

well now that I've rambled on about myself, tell me about your story.

[kyhomegirl]

You have no idea how much you just reminded me of me! The only time I even think about drinking is when I dont have any pills. Or am always on something, it seems like I've been like this for as long as I can remember! I feel pretty pathetic. My life right now is pretty ****ty. Pills kindof help me get through the day.We have no money, and hubby isnt able to go to school like we had planned. My kids arent able to do activites other kids get to.I dunno, I guess I'm whining, but sometimes it seems like if I had money and could do the stuff I'm into, I wouldnt feel like I had to numb myself, does that make any sense? I do feel lucky that I have 3 healthy, really great kids, so I shouldnt complain right?
I think you are extremely strong because I could not only do a couple a day. I would do them all. I guess I have no willpower.

[DJS]

quote:Originally posted by helpme12

i am 14yrs old and ihav become very very addicted to painkillers since afew months ago and at first i didn't know i was addicted but my parents have noticed i have been taking 2painkillers every hour and theywant me to go to rehab but i think it doesn't matter cos i just can't stop i hav become addicted cosit helps me soak up all

HELPME12,
YOU DIDN'T FINISH YOUR STORY WHY? MY NAME IS DINAE AND I HAVE AN 25YRS OLD SON WITH AN ADDICTION. PLEASE ASK FOR HELP FOR YOUR PARENTS YOU CAN DO IT.. WHY ARE AT THE AGE OF 12 ON PAIN KILLERS ANYWAY? YOUR PARENTS ARE RIGHT LET THEM HELP OTHER PEOP;E WISH THEY HAD SOMEONE TO HELP THEM AND THEY DON'T.
WRITE BACK TO USE
DIANE

DJ SHANAHAN

[robin smith]

i am writing in response to what i have read today, i never before have felt the need to explore a site on this subject..
i am new to the realisation that a board such as this now describes Me.... That alone is something difficult for me to admit.
People spend countless hours LISTING all the reasons to be happy, ,that i SHOULD be content by accomplishment alone, ....but there is no posssible way for anyone to fully understand the grip of this addiction ... i no longer care about most things .
i am at a point where i am aware that everyone knows i have an issue , and many times allowances are made, appointments are altered due to my needs, all without my having to ask.
The first item i read was kyhomegirls and i realised that there are many people for whom (myself included) substances are just part of daily life..it is no longer somthing to do to increase creativity or experience joy. Now sadly, regretfully, it is a regular part of my life.
Many people i have watched before me have gone down the dark path of addiction...never believing that i myself would one day be among them..
I have tried in the past to wean myself off slowly,however, the psychological hold seemed to make the physical torture that much stronger. Insomnia can make a nutter out of the most sane soul inside of a week ! ( w/d from morphine ,h, fentynal, and other medications that were given to me initally in hospital, and then continued at home,morphine makes a ill , homesick person seem quiet and content..for the convience of others i assure you)
Lastly, have any of you been in hospital for treatment ?
Because i was told the pain is difficult to bear..and worse yet are the counselours who use your personal struggle for the subject of their own amusement.. i dunno... i toy with the idea at times..
Well...i thank you for my being allowed to take this opportunity to speak about the fact that i am not alone in my pain . thankyou, robin =Script MT Bold][/font=Script MT Bold]

" Why do you cry?"
"What did i say ?"
"But its just rain"
i smile...
brushing my tears away.