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My wife is a recovering addict. I need advice, should I stay or go?
To be honest I'm dying inside and on the edge of my own sanity. I'm in the service and have spent multiple years overseas. I've been married 5 years and have recently found out my wife has been an addict for years. My gut told me something was up, about 50k unaccounted for and sometimes strange behavior but, love has kept me in denial. Christmas night she was arrested for possession of pain pills, MJ, shoplifting, and resisting arrest. My world has come to an end, I support her treatment (have been for 6 months) and have recently found out she relapsed. she is 65 days clean now but I'm sooo confused. I gave this woman everything, my heart, a home, a new car, a 12k ring, and all my love she has never had to do without anything since we've been togather just the separation with the deployments. She is currently in sober living and I'm stuck paying all the bills. Financially, I'm broke now and mentally, I'm sooo tired. I recently went to a NA meeting with her and have started going to NARANON meetings myself but I'm seeing only wifes, no husbands I can relate to. All the wifes I meet seem so heartbroken, the only ones I've met who have found some happyness are those who have left. I've been doing my part with a separation so she can focus on her but it kills me inside. I don't think I will ever be able to understand how a drug is more important than love. I have my addictions as well, I'm a sex addict (not porn) and feel the need constant but with all the temptation in the world, I've never cheated. With my PTSD came an alcohol problem but I replaced it with exercise, and I'm a Gam bling addict who choses to not visit places I can. I have relased the addictions with positives for love of my wife. I cant understand all the lying, deception, theft, selfishness, and cheating (which she wont admitt to). Now my 16 year carreer is in jepordy. I read all the addicts comments and they continue to be selfish and negative tawards the other side, I don't need thier advise. I need to find if anyone has a positive outcome from an addict as a spouce and what I can do, I love her but I'm not sure how much sanity I have left. I'm so heartbroken and tired.
Last edited by DirtyDUSMC; 05-05-2012 at 02:17 PM.
DD, here is my two cents for what it worth. She is an " addict" plan and simple. YOU cannot change her. She must, absolutely be willing to do whatever it takes to change her behavior. Obviously you know something about addictive behavior from your posts. You say she is 65 days clean. That's a HUGE start in the right direction no doubt about it. You are, no doubt, dealing with some trust issues. And who wouldn't? That definitely comes with the territory when dealing with an addict. Accountability is key here. Your orders,deployments ,etc make it difficult for you to have any trust in her sobriety. At least that is what it sounds like. Others will come on here and have answers better than mine. I just wanted to reach out to you. Also for what it's worth......addicts do not love their DOC more than their family's , spouse, kids, etc. But many loose all of that because of their addiction. And then if not treated , not willing to change , not willing to do " whatever it takes "...... They lose their lives. as I have said, you,ve come to great fourum. Very knowledgeable people here. Others will get on board.....semper fi
You'll have to decide if you love her enough to let her go....to stand strong enough not to enable her. Keep in mind.........You do not have the "right" to love her to death no matter how much you love her. Sometimes loving someone "enough" means loving them enough to let them go. I wish you much peace ...and strength. ~~God Speed~™
Thanks for the replys, I'm going to take things one day at a time but I'm pretty sure I'm just going to walk away. I see the woman I fell in love with now again and thats what crushes me, the addict was easy to dislike, the addict crushed our marrage, but the real her I love more than life. The problem is that she will always have that inner struggle within herself, and the trust has been lost. I love her (the real her) enough to let her go, I've grown to hate drugs, thier effects, and the doctors that prescribe them. It breaks my heart though, She is my world. As far as enabling, I'm done, the $ I give her now is just to support the recovery, I pay her rent at the sober living, the car payment, and 200 in gas for the month. Next month she's only getting the rent. I've come to realize my faults as a co-dependent and I'm going to let go, I now realize I'm not heathy for her recovery. She's been calling me and I'm no longer going to answer, I'm filing for sepparation tm. Drugs claimed yet another family.
Last edited by DirtyDUSMC; 05-06-2012 at 12:16 PM.
There are no right or wrong answers. You have to do what is right for you. Go with your intuition, your gut. I can see that Alanon has helped your thinking - probably more than you realize.
Originally Posted by DirtyDUSMC
There is ALWAYS hope
Hey DD, There are those of us who do make it. It sounds like you placed an awful lot of responsibility on your wife. "Replaced ???????? ,alcohol, sex,PTSD with love for my wife". Now please don't take me wrong here, your anger and hurt are legitimate and if they weren't there something would be wrong. However have you received any treatment, professional, for your issues? Especially the PTSD.
Point is if not it won't make any difference if you leave or not, the next woman will end up being like this one, if you don't take care of yourself. We cannot replace addictions, they have to be treated just as with any other disease.
And I know as a fact PTSD just does not go away, took me over 30 years to deal with that one.
Not trying to talk you into anything. Go or stay what ever is best for you but please deal with your issues, war changes us all nobody comes out the same way as before they went in, we see too much.
Take care of yourself God Bless Surfdog
I denied the fact I had PTSD for 5 years (I had Doc after Doc try to tell me), all while continueing to deploy. Every deployment got worse and worse and I hit a point that I had a breakdown, after a respected Senior told me that there was no shame and he too was suffering, I sought help. the PTSD did almost defeat me though, more than a few times with a pistol in my mouth/fistfights/argueing with officers, and some isolation from family and friends. I've been in treatment for a few years now and will continue to work on myself untill death I guess. Don't missunderstand though, I never pushed my problem on my wife, was never cruel, never raised my hand, or mistreated her in any way. I do spend about 2 hrs a day working out though and I guess that is time I could have spent with her but working out has helped me keep my sanity. She often complained that I wasn't sexual enough in the past few years-(I know this is not a common complaint from wifes) but, with the suspicion and mistrust I guess I did withdaw from her in that way. As far as my addictions, I had difficulty controlling them at a time in my life but, now I just make the choice to not do them or place myself in possissions of temptation. This is why I feel after you have cleared your mind, It's a choice between being clean (your family, kids, money, life) and being a zombie (hurting those that love you even if you dont love yourself, your kids not repeating the cycle, money to live, and health). I believe you have the strengh within to choose a better way of life. Exercise is a proactive way to keep my mind and body clean that improves my health, mood, and overall attitude.
DDUSMC.....you've had such a rough road....and the one you're on sucks too. PTSD is horribly hard to deal with. Ive suffered with it for more than 20 years though not for the same reasons as You have. As the saying goes, "You've come a long way Baby". Be proud that you've gotten where you are and that you are facing what is going on in your life right now. Be proud that you've chosen to stand and fight rather than cower and run (addiction of choice...we've all done it)
It's not going to be easy. I hear the love for her in your words. Remember...there is nothing wrong with loving her and the love you have for her. What is or becomes wrong is enabling her (again ...if we've lived with dealt with or loved an addict...we've all done it)...or letting her destroy YOU. You cant stop her from destroying herself but you damn sure can stop it from destroying you. You're stronger than you think DDUSMC. Dont make ANY hasty decisions....they hurt the worst. Take some deep breaths...work the issues YOU need to in your head....go work em out in the gym...ponder and reflect.
And if you ever feel the need and want to talk....holler. I promise that if YOU reach out.......I'll reach back. If you need a lifeline, Ive got a knotted rope I can toss your way.
Stand Strong my Friend
DD took me about 30 years before I was willing to face it. If it had not been for a friend of mine, that is now on his 4th deployment, chopper pilot, I don't know if I would have done anything. But at his urging finally faced it and sought help. Had no idea at just how crazy I was. You there are some things you don't get over you just kinda find a place to put them, you know they are still there, it just doesn't raise its ugly head as much.
Originally Posted by DirtyDUSMC
So glad ya'll were treated kinder by the public and media than most. Know a lot of people that even when they got back to the world they still weren't home. Take care my friend God Bless Surfdog
DDUSMC.....how ya doin big guy?
Brother, I'm back and fourth-it's a daily struggle. She calls me everyday to talk, and outside of NA I've been her support network. All of her "friends" use, her family uses, so she tells me she's alone without me. I've been honest with her, told her that I am hurt, she knows about the trust issues I have, She's working on her. I've been working on me, still working out, running (which I hate) but it helps to clear the head, been going to meetings, reading a bunch, and just spending some time on my own-going to the movies/beach etc. She's showing me the woman I fell in love with, and is serious about the program, I've asked about the future- her not ever going to be able to use again/no drinking/surgeries would suck, and she knows. she said she's willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean, she's enjoying a clear mind and wants help for underlying issues that helped push her to using ie mom dying, best friend oding, family addicts, lonlyness, depression. So I'm still taking it 1 day at a time, not making rash decisions. As far as my mental health, I'm a whole lot better on my issues minus the wife thing. I chose not to let the PTSD controll me, and I still have a daughter to live for so suckstarting a pistol isn't going to happen, I chose not to be selfish and have trust in God and his plan for me. I'll never understand why he gave me such a challenging life, and I'll never be the same after 5 years with PTSD, but 1 day at a time. Thanks to all of you for repying to me and your advice, I'm on here everyday now. I'm glad I found this room and I'm glad there are good people out there who are willing to care and share.
DD, all of this is positive. All of it. Your mentality, your wife,s mentality. All positive motives and actions. I guess it boils down to we all must ...." fight the good fight" . It's all you can do. Persevere with positive thoughts and actions. Emotions go up and down. Anger, shame, self- pity, regret. They are all cripplers and need to be seen as such. They have no place in the " good fight". Doesn't matter if you are spiritual , religious , etc........I like this quote....." sorrow is a fruit, and god will not allow it to grow on limbs to weak to bear" ........carry on......sundwn
Originally Posted by DirtyDUSMC