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My own non-hijacked thread :)
My own non-hijacked thread :)
I want to thank all who have shown support thus far. What you do for others is incredibly selfless and much appreciated.
As of now I have only one 5mg oxy left. It's scary yet comforting knowing I don't have to go crazy trying to get in touch with my contacts today to get more. It's actually somewhat liberating.
Anyway, I wanted to start my own post to document my journey and ultimate success in overcoming this horrible disease.
I will post later to keep everyone updated. Again, thank you for the support that's been shown already.
we're here for you and will help however we can! Leggo... All my best, Reid
You can do it melissa! Im counting on you to go through this w/ me! keep journaling!
We are in this together, Jess! What do you have left for pills?
On a HUGE note, I just deleted all of my contacts from my cell phone! Again, scary but liberating!
Nothing left. Took last one at 9:45am. Have $3.25 in money and thats my 8 y/o little girls. Have evil thoughts of counting change and buying 1 tonight and then at 3:30pm tomorrow friend gets theirs and owes me 6. I try to think of other things but the thought keeps creeping in my head. My mom does't want me to go to rehab now because she says I am just trying to hide away from being evicted and leaving all of them to deal with it. She says thats the only reason I want to go. An old school teacher wants to come talk tonight. I am going to try and start my own thread so I don't cloud your new one. Please keep me posted! and Ty so much. Ty to everyone.
Jess....... , Take this the right way, please... but the biggest part of getting clean is WANTING IT... What I am going to ask you is a question you need to think about.... Do you want it?.. ok, now.... everytime you think about the pills and where they "could" come from ASK yourself that question... I relapsed so many times, and the one thing that kept me from getting clean was, I did not want it.. Sure I talked about wanting it, I said it and I thought I did.. BUT when the oppurtunity presented itself, I hopped on it and as a result, I never got started.... When I Did decide I wanted it, there was no wiggle room for me, I got rid of every means possible... So the mental baggage that comes with those questions is too big for anyone to conquer... UNLESS you want it... So, Do you? (call that friend and tell them he does not owe you the pills and to not tell you if when he gets them) that is the only way to start this journey... with no mental knowledge of where there are pills... All my best, Reid
I took my last pill at 3:30pm today so I'm six hours sober! Yay! I'm definitely feeling the beginnings of the withdrawals since that pill at 3:30 was a measly 5mg and I'm used to taking a minimum of 20mg with each dose.
So far I feel very anxious/antsy, achey, my nose is runny, and I just have an overall feeling of discomfort. I can feel my body screaming for the drugs. It's this point right now that it would be so easy to fall off the horse. However, I don't have any pills and have no access to them plus I'm committed to making this my last day one!
My partner and I are getting a hotel room tomorrow and Saturday (my birthday) night because I can't let my parents see me going through withdrawals again as they don't know I've relapsed.
Jess, Reid put it perfectly. You have to WANT this more than anything. If it helps, write out the pros and cons on a piece of paper and I'm pretty darn sure the cons will outweigh the pros! Look what a mess these pills have gotten you into! It's not too late to correct what's been done and move forward. I'm in a financial mess as well because of these pills and am scared of having my car repossessed because I haven't been able to make payments on it! I don't want to live life like that anymore. I've thoroughly had it with the lying, manipulating, and overall person I've become as a result of the pills. I lived most of my 36 years without them and I can and will go back to that same person. Also, don't worry about hijacking this thread. The more the merrier.
I will keep you all posted. As of right now I'm feeling pretty crummy but trying to keep busy and stay positive.
Melissa, I didn't realize you were going to take the last one today!! We are both at the same exact point. I find comfort in that! Doing this together helped me with the evil thoughts today. I don't want to let you down. If you haven't relapsed yet then neither will I. I feel the same way. Very, very anxious. Things are always worse for me when I have to lie or hide the truth and I hate that you have to hide from your parents. I really hate that for you because that just adds to the problem. I feel like you are a very strong person and I really need you to stick with this and do this together with me. Deep down inside I have a feeling you are going to make it this time. You are going to beat it I just know it!
Been thinking tonight and caughtagain is so right! If I do not truly want this then I will never overcome it! Due to certain life circumstances in a way I am being made to do this. I wasn't doing this by choice. I didn't decide this myself and thats why I think its so much worse this time. I am on the highest dosage I have ever been on so thats one reason WD is so bad for me plus I have psyched myself out that I don't have a day 1 in me. I have to find the determination and finally decide to do this for nothing else but me. I have to make the decision. I am working on that.
I cant sit still at this point and my head is pounding. Heart feels like its beating hard and hot and cold at the same time. What a miserable feeling. At this point I don't see how I could get any more depressed. I have cried all day. Had stomach cramps earlier but they have passed. You guys say to keep busy and try to form a routine. Exercise and hydrate so I am going to take my pug on a much needed walk. Its 11pm here will check back later tonight. Thanx guys!!
Melissa what is the time difference between us? Its 11:15pm here. I pray for your WD symptoms to ease tonight. I pray that you get some sleep. Keep me posted please.
I think I might have slept a little. Very hard to sit still!! Knees aches so bad. everything is wrong. Taking hot bath.
Jess and Melissa... My advice to both of you is to go through this together... Lean on eachother and just go for it... Commit for this second, this minute and look to go through 5 days of feeling poorly... BUT get mad at the WD's and just don't let them win.... But before you do any of this, you have to get rid of any chance for you to get pills.. That mental baggage of knowing they are there will NOT let you win and you need to give yourself the best chance... We can root for you and guide you, that is the easy part... But just post, post often and be honest, and I can assure you that this place and your partnership with eachother will be something you have never experienced before... my point is simple... YOU CAN DO IT... If I can, anyone can... Also, the posting is like a confessional of sorts... when I was going through my process on here, I spoke about things I did, i felt bad about etc... and it was cleansing. It guided me through and made me happier for getting it out and I was able to work on forgiving myself through the support of those on here who "got it"... And that is the other key point... We won't judge you because we are just like you... At one point active in our use... So, just know Melissa and Jess, although you might feel lonely, you ARE NOT alone! We are rooting for you, but again YOU HAVE TO WANT IT!!!! All my best, Reid
you found ur own thread. cool.
means ur more comfortable here?! hope so.
ur in a good place.
i agree with reid. the fact that u guys have eachother is AWESOME!
use it to ur advantage.
and post about whatever u like.
this is about u.
(and you too jess lol)
i'm glad u guys are here.
and how cool is that, that u guys ended up being neck and neck in this?!
another reassurance that ur not alone in this.
now get mad!
and kick this next week's butt!
Melissa, I am hoping that you haven't posted because you are at the hotel. I hope you are doing ok. This is horrible. Absolutely horrible! If i cover up i am hot but if i uncover i am cold. Can't sit still at all. If I could actually sit still for about 5 min's then I could probably get a bit more sleep but I have already accepted the fact that we prob won't have good sleep for a very long time. I have never tried Melatonin so I think I might pick some up today. Benedryl just makes the RLS worse for some reason. I tried the new multi-symptom immodium and it is actually helping. Today I have a good mind set. Maybe I found a little determination idk but Im starting to think that maybe I can do this. I know you can too. Let me know how you are. Thanks everyone so much for the support!
Jess, no thinking you can do it!!! YOU WILL.. For the RLS there is a product on the market that Rose would swear by, Hylends Restless leg supplement... For the next few days all you need to focus on is getting through the next second... get angry at the withdraws and don't let them win.. period, failure is not an option... Why? Because you want your life back, that's why... You don't see it now, but you are stronger than you know... look at how much strength you had when you would hunt for pills... Use that same hunger to get you through the next few days... just keep making the next right choice. we are here for you... Reid
Word man word!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dog
I'm here and I'm and I'm 27 hours sober! I'm so sorry for not posting earlier but you were right Jess, my partner and I checked into the hotel near 1pm eastern time and I've been trying to take it easy since.
Last night I did not sleep at all and it was straight up awful! I was so mad at the fact that I couldn't sleep that I actually punched and kicked my bed. I am angry at these w/d's and the situation I've gotten myself into. But, that anger is fueling the fire to remain sober and get my life back.
As of this moment, I have the hot and cold flashes with the sweats thrown in. I have no energy, am cranky, fidgety, and my ears and every nerve in my body keep pinging. It's all so frustrating.
I've been eating bananas, drinking protein shakes, taking Immodium, and trying to stay hydrated. We took a walk around the hotel parking lot which felt good. It's very helpful to get some exercise.
Stay strong Jess. We are doing this!
Glad to hear from you Melissa!
Caughtagain, Im broke. Get paid tomorrow so definitely the 1st thing I am doing is going to get the hylands RLS supp. If I could get a handle on staying calm and this RLS not being so intense then I could get through this much better.
Did not go and get the pain pills owed to me today. Proud of myself for now.
Its so nice outside tonight. Very cool out. I wish I could walk for miles but scared to go to far away from my apt. I don't feel like doing anything at all. Need to clean my house but can't. I just have no motivation. I have watched too much TV so really the only thing I have to do is walk the dog. I wish we could just keep walking forever.
I know what you mean, Jess. The antsy, restless feeling is unbearable. I didn't sleep again last night. Finally fell asleep this morning from about 7am until 10am. Just feel so rundown. I think it would be a whole lot better if I could just sleep. I'm praying for some rest tonight.
Today is my birthday and right now I'm 44 hours sober! Not exactly the way I want to spend my birthday, but, I am trying to view this as a new start. I'm hoping that it only gets easier from here on out. I've made it this far and there's no turning back.
Update me, Jess. How are you doing today?
Happy B-Day Melissa!!! It takes a lot to choose to do this on your B-day! Its really hard right now. I almost can't take it! Its the worst right now! I have veil thoughts of taking stuff back to walmart to get just 4 and a pack of smokes. I keep telling myself if you can go through this on your b-day then im not going to do that today. I really wish all the evil thoughts wold just go away! I have no cigarettes and im starving but my stomach cramps are so bad and we barely have anything to eat. It makes me mad that I blew all our money and we can't even afford a soda. My husband is furious with me. Oh, lord please help me make it through this day.
Thank you for the birthday wishes, Jess! We are going through this hell together. I know the thoughts you're having. Everything just feel helpless and awful. We are in the middle of the hurricane right now. There's no turning back and undoing everything we've accomplished thus far. It's so yucky but we are doing it! I recommend Gatorade and lots of Immodium. I've been drinking Naked Juice's Protein Drinks and eating bananas which helps with the RLS, which was a huge issue for me last night. It's maddening!
I smoke as well but am one of those who can easily stop with no problems. I know most people become addicted to cigarettes as well and I don't suggest withdrawing from both the opiates and nicotine at the same time. I would do one withdrawal then the other. Can you get a few bucks to get a really cheap pack of cigarettes? How much does a pack cost in Missouri? I live in CT and own a business in NYC and usually smoke American Spirit or Camel Blue. The spirits cost $14 and the Camel's are about $10. It's crazy expensive here!
I'm trying my hardest to have a positive attitude and think positive thoughts even though it's the hardest thing to do right now. A positive outlook does help. It may not seem like it at first but you will eventually notice a difference in how you feel if you start thinking positive. I am into Buddhism which helps me tremendously in daily life and especially when I'm going through hellish times like right now. My screen name, Enso, is actually the Buddhist symbol for enlightenment. Look up Enso on Google and do some research on it. Not only is it interesting but it will take your mind off of your feelings for a bit. I actually painted my own Enso and had it tattooed on my left wrist so every time I encounter difficulty in my life all I do is look down at my wrist and remember to breathe and know that everything will be okay, as long as I'm in the proper state of mind.
Another thing I recommend is taking hot showers. As hot as you can physically handle is best. It helps with eliminating the toxins and just feels good to stand in the tub letting the warm water envelop your aching body. Matter of fact, I am going to go do that in a few.
I got hooked on drugs because I have a bulged disc in my back which pushes on my sciatic nerve and is extremely painful. When coming off the drugs, every bit of pain in my body is exaggerated, especially the disc pain. The very hot shower helps ease the pain.
Keep me posted throughout the day and stay strong, my girl!
Last edited by Enso; 09-15-2012 at 12:11 PM.
Ugh, head is pounding. Feel just awful. Yeah, when I feel better I will definitely do some research on enso. Sounds pretty cool. Got a Facebook or pics of your tats posted somewhere? Haven't slept well for 2 days so I am going to go lay down. RLS is better right now so this might be my only chance to be able to hold still long enough to fall asleep. Im still hanging in there. Barely, but still sober for today. Taking it one hour at a time. Hope you managed to have some fun on your B-day. Hope everyone had a good day.
Its 11:59pm here. Yay, I just made it to Day 4!!!!
Keep it up, girls! We're all reading and rooting for you.
You can do this!
A couple of more days and the worst is over.
Post, post, encourage each other, and we'll see you on the clean side sooner than you think :-D
ok. damn it. This is bad, really, really bad. I feel like jumping out of my own skin! I am flooded with anxiety. Omg I can't take this! I wish I could sleep this off.. I so wish I could sleep!
Hey Jess! You just HANG TOUGH! You can make this: Did you get the hyland's? Also stay hydrated: juices, water, gatorade (may help the rls) You are in the middle of day 3 as far as I can make it out. Day 3 absolutely sux, but it is doable. You will make it: hydrated, hot baths, chamomile tea, sleepy time tea, deep breaths for the anxiety. Try to get out and get some exercise even if it's a walk around the block! Whatever you do TAKE CARE OF YOU AND DO NOT USE. These can be the toughest few days: 3-5 when we think we'll never make it, but we do. One hour, one minute, one second. I don't know your history, but with pills this is about standard. YOU WILL MAKE IT, YOU WILL MAKE IT, YOU WILL MAKE IT. (you too melissa). Post, post post just do not use.
In just about 3 hours I'm 72 hours clean! I know what you mean Jess about wanting to jump out of your skin. It's unnerving. Actually, it's beyond unnerving. I don't think there is even a word in the English language to describe the feeling. Just remember the way you feel this exact moment when you think of taking another pill. One and only one pill will put you right back to day one and you, like me, most likely don't have another day one in you.
The RLS was awful two nights ago and all through yesterday and most of last evening. I think I actually got about four hours of sleep, somehow. I'll take whatever I can get at this point! My whole body aches like it's screaming out for the pills. I'm trying not to think of it that way, though. I'm thinking of the awful way I feel as my body healing. I still have little energy but am drinking lots of fluids and protein shakes and trying to eat as much as my body will allow. Lots of hot showers have helped as well. It feels good to stand under the hot water and envision the water washing all the toxins away.
Again, thank you to everyone who has shown such incredible support for Jess and I. It means more than you'll ever know. Love you guys!
Last edited by Enso; 09-16-2012 at 12:21 PM.
hey melissa and jess, you two should be very proud of yourselves. It is so hard to do what you are doing. Thats why so many of us fail at it time and time again. you both have a very good support system here. The anxiety and the Raw nerves is terrible. I always described that feeling as a live wire. Full of negative energy, be it anxiety depression and a boatload of emotions. So terrible and a big pain, but unfortunately so very normal. All part of our journey to recovery. WE have to go through the pain of detox to get to the rewarding world of recovery. Take it a day at a time and it WILL happen. Proud of you both!!!!!!!
Clean and Sober as of 4-25-2011
I have it in my head that maybe I can't do this. I should have tried to taper down a little bit. Taking 20 vicodin a day too nothing might just have been too big of a leap. my goodness this is bad.
jess YOU CAN DO THIS. you gotta breathe through this anxiety. It sucks terribly i know, but you got to hang on. just hang on for today. Tomorrow you may use or not use, but you WILL NOT USE today!
Clean and Sober as of 4-25-2011
Jess, I've done that before, although, not with vicodin, with oxy's which are much stronger than vikes. You've made it so far already. Take hot showers, watch lots of funny shows and movies, drink sleepytime extra tea - the one with valerian in it. Take advil and aleve for the pain. We are in the middle of the storm right now where everything feels awful. The depression is almost unbearable. I've, unfortunately, been through this a few times so I know what to expect. This is all temporary and you ARE strong enough to make it through this!
Keep posting my friend.