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My husband - sucking the life out of me
  1. #1
    amay1977 is offline New Member
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    Default My husband - sucking the life out of me

    Hello

    I dont want to get too terribly detailed as I am sure this post will be long enough. I have been married to my hubby for 14 years. We have three daughters that range in age from 6-13. My husband was an alcoholic and pot smoker when we met (I was 18 - he was 19). I ended up pg about 4 months after we started dating and hey, we got married. So in July 2005 he was in a serious accident and was on all sorts of pain meds. He started abusing almost immediately - although I was too stupid to see it. I saw that he was never home (and not working - hasn't worked since the accident) and that money was always missing but hey, like I said - I was too stupid to see what he was doing right under my nose. Oh and did I mention the dozens of ER trips to get Morphine? Yep - waking up at 3 am and he's gone and comes rolling in at 8 am - but whatever, not going there. Anyway after 3 years of this secret addiction he had going on he tells me he's starting Methadone treatment, I was all for it, then. So he spent 2 years working his way up to 90 mg and nodding off, falling asleep while driving, etc. Not to mention he was able to work up to 2 weeks of takes a time but was double dosing and then going 3-4 days with NO methadone and that was no picnic for me. He would swear that was the last time, yet every freakin weekend we started all over again - to the point I hated weekends and him.

    So, I went back to school and am a new RN - which is fantastic - aside from the fact that most of my pay (methadone and daily gas) goes out for him. So why I'm so pissed is because about a month ago he wanted a good friend of mine to get him a job with her. Part-time - 12 hours a week. She told him and I told him that he cant screw her, if she gets him the job he has to go. Well, today rolls around and he gets dressed, walks out the door and never showed up to work!!! Now I have to deal with my friend who is fit to be tied (she's called twice already and I haven't answered) and once again I've been knocked down.

    He also has a bipolar disorder but REFUSES medications. Nope, wont see the DR. so on top of the addiction we're also dealing with some major depression that he has. He'll spend 3 straight days in bed - be fine for a day or so - then back to the bedroom for days of sleeping. I've made him appointments - he wont go. He wants to work one day and then doesn't show for the job the next. I am so freakin fed up with this. I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS!! He wont attend groups - no counseling - no nothing but his precious methadone - that is the only thing that will get him out of bed - his methadone which now is a daily drive because he screwed up his "takes". And of course I cant get him to contribute to anything. This part time job would of paid for his methadone - but hey, I'll pay for everything and do everything, whatever.

    So I know I could kick him out and I'm actually thinking about it because I'm tired of being kicked around and walked over. I have bent over back wards to help him and he just flips me the bird - I can send him to stay with his dad and his dad has said he'd take him but I know my husband and he would kill himself if I kicked him out - no doubt in my mind, I know him. So again, here I sit, hurt and ticked and not a thing I can do because he wont help himself and I feel so trapped. Of course I dont want him to harm himself - yes I'm sick of hm but he is the father to our girls and I want them to have a dad.

    I guess I just needed to vent. I'd call my friend but she's already going to be pissed about this job thing and I just dont feel like dealing with it right now, I'm tired and wondering why I was given this to deal with in my life. When do I get happiness?

    Oh and so it's not a vent fest I will say that he has managed to come down to 30 mg of methadone - and he plans on trying to detox off - which makes me happy but with his depression that he refuses help for I fear he wont make it. I am trying to talk him into a group - but he refuses. I asked him the other day if the girls and I were not around would he be detoxing and he said "no". So he's doing this for his family and not because he wants to - which is scary. I just dont know what to do with him. Leave and risk him killing himself or stay to keep him "alive" but not much of a person. I dont know.
    Last edited by ddcmod; 07-20-2010 at 02:48 PM.

  2. #2
    karaboo is offline Senior Member
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    Amay,

    Wow, you've got a lot on your plate! You hit the right board for support, there are lots of people who have been where you and your husband are at. My ex would always use the suicide card with me but he loves his pills too much to kill himself. When I got up the courage to put my foot down, he took the drug lifestyle over his family and we survived. It was hard and I've had my own addiction issues to battle, but I know that it was the right decision for me.

    Keep posting, I'm sure others will put in their 2 cents as well. I'll be praying for all of you, keep your head up!
    _____________________________

    Strength & courage is moving forward in spite of the fear

  3. #3
    just_a_mom is offline Member
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    Amay,

    My two cents on your mess are coming from a 'clean' addict and mother of 3.

    First - all addicts are liars and manipulators. He will lie, lie, lie to you. Don't trust anything he says until he has been demonstrably clean. All the threats, promises, pleading - all are worth nada.

    Second - take care of yourself and your kids. You say you think your husband will commit suicide if you kick him out? Remember he is a LIAR and MANIPULATOR - he will say ANYTHING to keep up what he has. He has EVERYTHING - you, your girls, roof, food, couch, TV and most of all DRUGS. Why the heck wouldn't he say anything and everything to you so you won't change anything? You have to do what is best for you and your kids. Do you really want your kids to see you as a doormat to him? You are setting the example of how a woman should let a man treat her. Would you want your son or daughter to be in this relationship? Wouldn't that kill you as a mom? You have to stand up for yourself and for your kids and for him. I know you would feel horribly guilty if he did kill himself, but he could also nod off while driving and kill himself and a minivan full of kids or he could finally wake up and realize he lost it ALL and clean up. It is all up to him.

    Third - his mental illness. He will get even more depressed as he comes off the meds. It is a side-effect of opiate withdrawal. Happens to almost everyone. If he is not prepared to get help for that, his chances of relapse are high. He obviously needs professional help - and you have found out you can't make him get it. He hasn't hit rock bottom and until he does he will continue to screw-up and mess up your life.

    Finally, I am sorry. We addicts make our lives a living Hades for our loved ones. You and your kids do NOT deserve this. Do remember to talk to your kids about the incredibly high chance they have of being addicts - they need to know that they have a higher than average chance of battling with this demon.

    Take care of you,

    just a mom

  4. #4
    summertime4me is offline Member
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    Default Keep him alive and kill yourself in the process

    So sorry to hear about this situation. I am not an addict but I am the relative of an addict and while I often have trouble seeing my way out of my own family problems, I find it much easier to see the difficulites in other families. I think everyone is that way--all the principles we've learned in alanon and from reading about addiction, tend to go right out the window when we think about our own family.

    An addiction specialist that I respect so very much (former H addict, ex-con, now 21years later a respected executive) one talked about "terminal uniqueness" as related to individual addicts--each one (and sometimes their families) thinks that he/she is unique--that the principles of addiction do not apply to them. They often have other problems "going on"--depression, ADHD, bipolar disorder, cleptomania and any number of other symptoms that people are worried about. If the family buys into the "terminal uniqueness" concept, the families can enable the addict to the point where death is the result. You can deal with the other problems that may magically disappear if the addiction problem (which you know for sure is real) after the addiction has been addressed.

    And who has to deal with the addiction? NOT YOU! You can't do it for him as kind and service oriented (nurse) as you are. You want your daughters to have a dad like this or a responsible dad, which he is probably capable of being if and when he is sober? Right now, he provides you only with pain, problems--financial is not the least of them, embaressment and disappointment. His girls know that you run the show and feel the tension in the home, even if you think they don't. They feel that something is amiss, just as you know things are upside down.

    He has you totally manipulated--the old, "I'm going to kill myself if you. . . ." routine. It seems unique to him, but it is really a generic excuse that many addicts use to keep using and to force others to their will. He is very strong willed and is using his powers of persuasion (manipulation) to keep you in line so that you will continue to do the work, to get the money, to get his fix for HIM. It is all about him and by the way, how dare you to ask for help on this forum and post his private matters here? If he knew, that is what he would say to you.

    The kindest, most responsible thing you could do (and it is difficult) for you, the girls and for him, is to force him to leave your home--it is your home since you are the only one working to provide for all of you. He's a big boy (well, baby) and will find somewhere to go, guananteed! He will not kill himself, but maybe he will be so sad and forced to deal with life's realities to the point where he will seek help and a way out of the mess he has created for all of you. Your life will be more peaceful and money will be saved, the girls will know that Dad will return when he gets better, you can stop hiding from your friends and his life may be full and honest and responsible, maybe for the first time.

    Nurses are dear to my heart. As the mother of a daughter who has had many medical problems due to a birth defect (not the addict), I know that nurses are the salt of the earth and will care for you when all others have forsaken you. Nurses deserve the best--and you're a nurse--you deserve the best. I will be thinking of you and hope that you will feel supported on this site.

    Take care,

    Summer
    Last edited by ddcmod; 07-20-2010 at 02:49 PM.

  5. #5
    amay1977 is offline New Member
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    Thanks ladies

    His dad is taking him to a psych intake as I type. I told him I was done and he needed to leave and his dad came over to ease everything and my husband agreed to go to the psych intake for his bipolar and opiate addiction. So, that is a fantastic first step. The program is pretty intense (9a-3p 4/5 days a week) so his dad is going to be staying with us to make sure he goes through the program. This is good and I really hope it helps!

  6. #6
    just_a_mom is offline Member
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    Amay,

    So very glad to hear he is seeking help. You are in for a long tough road - hopefully he will get some great support and will get clean.

    Remember we are here if you need to vent or celebrate or cry or whatever.

    just a mom

  7. #7
    amay1977 is offline New Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by just_a_mom View Post
    Amay,

    So very glad to hear he is seeking help. You are in for a long tough road - hopefully he will get some great support and will get clean.

    Remember we are here if you need to vent or celebrate or cry or whatever.

    just a mom

    Thank you and I'm sure I will be checking in often!!

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