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- 2 Post By blu4u
My husband is a drug addict. Need help with what to do.
My husband is a drug addict. Need help with what to do.
My husband has been an on again off again drug addict. He abuses his prescription percocet and xanax. He also drinks alot at times too. He has pretty much lied, sold things, and put us in a bad financial situation. I have left him twice over this. Each time he tell me he has changed and it won't be a problem anymore. The problem is it is never over. He lies about it and thinks he won't get caught. He always thinks he is smarter than everybody else. I know when money is missing. He doesn't make much he is in the military. I know when he acts different like he gets more energy out of nowhere (he says he just wants to get stuff done), he is super nice (he says he is trying to make our marriage better), he is falling asleep sitting up (he says is just exhausted). He is about to leave for a year to Korea and wants us to follow him. Our marriage is in shamble because of the lies and drugs and I want us to be able to work it out for our kids but I am tired of the lies. He refuses to be supportive of anything I want to do like get a job and not be totally dependent on him. I see this as almost necessary because I am afraid of the road we are on and where it is going and we do have 2 small children. If I follow him to korea we could work on our marriage and he would be away from his current suppliers of drugs. He currently buys other peoples prescriptions, trades prescriptions, and abuses his own. He manages to get away with it because as long as the military gives you a piss test and you have been prescribed that medication in the last 6 months you are okay. But the problem is he is in the medical field and he knows the system, who gets what, and what doctors will prescribe what for whatever. Every time we move he manages to get clean for a few months basically because he has to learn new doctors, patients, etc. then he gets himself in deeper. I have seen him take as much as 51 percocet in a 24 hour period. As far as I can figure he takes like 10 a day when he can buy them or get a prescription. If not he drinks or takes Xanax. All of which is more than the average person would drink or be prescribed.
I have tried everything. I have left him, I have threatened him, I have taken the bank cards before, I have yelled, I have tried ignoring it, I have tried to be nice and on his side and try to discourage it. None of which have worked. He constantly blames it on me in one way or another (if you would just get off my case, if you would stop pushing me, if I wasn't stressed out). He tries to minimize it (it isn't a big deal). Says it is because of a back injury even though this started before the mystery back pain. I am just tired of all of this. I have put my foot down and said the drugs or me. But he has another back injection and they will give him pills there for the recovery. He wants me to hold them and hand them out. I don't know if this is a good idea. We have tried it before but he has always bugged me about the pills until I just hand them over, or he finds them and takes too many, or something of that nature. I hate being in this position. This is not how I envisioned my marriage, my kids father, or my life when I started down this road with him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I wish there was something that I could do for you. It is never easy. If you agree to hand out his pills to him you cant give in and hand them over no matter how frustrated you are, and you have to make sure he doesn't find them. Although I know that will be difficult once you are in Korea. I hope for you and your kids sake he really does mean it this time. Although I know it is very difficult for him to just not instantly just keep popping extra pills. He has to want to get help and my advice to you is to offer him as much help as you can weither its passing out his pills, or making him go to counseling or some sort. You cant keep doing that to yourself and your kids.. be on hold for his problem and him knowing that you arent going anywhere because you have threatened him before. It will drain everything out of you. Is he open to not taking the pills, or getting off of them, or he has no interest in it?
Originally Posted by iamonlymee
Originally Posted by bppb
When he gets caught he is always willing to stop. But when it comes down to it he really doesn't. Yesterday I caught him high. I know he had no pills from the doctor because he has been sick the last week from withdrawals. Then when I called him on it I got the usual lies, denial, then attacked verbally, then the truth. Then promises that it won't happen again. Today he took the rest of what he bought, then again the same thing. Excuses he didn't know it wasn't okay to take a prescription that he bought well because he bought it and didn't want it to go to waste. I won't even really talk to him at this point because he just starts off being sorry then tries to blame it all on me or bring up something else to get the attention off the real issue. I have begged for counseling for years to no avail. He leaves the country in less than a month now and I don't know how much we would accomplish in that short amount of time. I don't know how to get through to him and I am just plain tired of talking to a brick wall. I was hoping someone could tell me what worked in their situation. I know everyone is different but I have to make one last attempt to straighten this out or I am going to walk away for good.
I am ina similar situation and I am so sorry that anyone out there has to go through it to. Do not negotiate with him, and if you give him an ultimatum you have to mean it. I have a safe that I have to lock all of our prescriptions in because he takes my sons ADHD medication if he finds it too. That is probably one of the best things I could have done. If you hand his pills out to him and they aren't enough I am sorry to say he is just going to buy more somewhere else, been there done that. I handed him his bottle and said that is your responsiblity not mine. He was given a choice to get clean or get out. He is on Suboxone but is using other stuff. He will only get clean if he wants to, not because you want him to. I am so sorry you are going through this, get some support, find a naranon meeting, find a therapist for you even if he won't go. It really helps.
Best of Luck to you,
Iamonlyme, I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now. I am very new to all of this, but have quite a bit of experience with the military side. I was a platoon sgt for many years and can tell you from personal experience that I had several family members come to me with similar problems. I would recommend telling someone in his chain of command. Once you do that he will receive help, "like it or not". It will also cover him from being kicked out if he were to fail a pee test. Once a family member reports an abuse problem, they are required to render assistance, and cannot dicharge him, unless he refuses the assistance. If you are not comfortable with that, then you might want to talk with a chaplin about this issue. It makes me sad to hear where your family is at this time, but unlike civilians stuck in this cycle, you have more options available to you. You just have to remember that you are doing this for your whole family, wheather he likes it or not. I do not know your whole situation, but I have seen many a soldier get straight and move on to a great career after a family member reported it. I will be praying for you, and asking God to give you the stranght no matter what you decide.
Last edited by notime; 08-11-2012 at 04:15 AM.
This the advice I wish someone had given me years ago....RUN. Over the past years I sacrificed myself and kid's childhood in vain attempts to keep my family together, hoping my husband would get clean. Everyday you stay with a drug addict is a day you steal from your kids. Your kids deserve a calm home. And no one knows chaos like the wife of drug addict. Your kids are living on the same seesaw. Don't be afraid of leaving. I made alot of really bad choices for really excellent reasons.
Bad choice #1, staying with my opiate addicted husband so as not put my kids through a divorce: To keep "my marriage together", so my kids wouldn’t grow-up without a "dad". They have a "dad" alright. A "dad" who taught them, by constant example, how to lie and avoid responsibility.
Bad choice #2, scarificing my "happiness" and calling it "detachment". I thought I could "detach" from the chaos of their dad's addiction. The kids were busy at school, sports, homework, social events, spent allot of time with grandma. I took on the roll of mom and dad. put on a happy face and took care of business. All the while, demonstrating, through my daily example, how to be a doormat, how not stand-up for your rights, that a wife is not entitled to love, affection or respect, that a wife was a target for blame, that wife should never expect the truth, that lies are tolerated in marriage, that marriage is not a partnership.
Bad choice #3, beliving he could get clean and I could "support his recovery": Oppiate addicts are incapable of maintaining any sort of open/trusting relationship. The addicts sense of self and accomplishment come from a pill/needle. Years of opiate abuse re-wire the brain until all joy is replaced by a high. The complete abstinance rate for oppiate addicts is less than 10%. And those who do "recover" are changed (for the worse). The whole AlAnon paradigm does not serve the best interest of wives of opiate addicts. I wasted precious years in an effort to "detact with love" so "addict" could find his "path to recovery".
DON"T GO OVERSEAS! Stay build some space for yourself. Each day you'll feel stronger and begin to see things more clearly.
I understand how torn you feel and how hard the decision to leave is when there are young children involved. The best thing you can do for you, your husband and your children is to untangle yourself from the crazy making behaviors caused by his addiction. Blu4u is so right about staying and building some space for yourself. When you are not in the middle of the drama and roller coaster of promises you will be able to figure out what to do.
My soon to be ex messed around with trying to quit suboxone (and amphetamines) for over 5 years, he's been on and off drugs/alcohol for 25 years. My mom planted the seed in my head 2 years ago when she was frustrated with watching me struggle to play the role of super mom of 3 and manage a full time career. She said, "What advice would you give your daughter if she was married to an addict?". Answering that question really helped me to start looking at the problem more objectively.
You are going through the same things I am. It sounds like you are reading a book of my life. I am so tired of it. I am married 21 years and 15 years of it have been hell. I do not do anything and try and make a good life for my 2 kids. I work full time and have to come home to this everyday. I also do not get any sleep at night, due to his outbursts and sleeplessness. I have to keep one eye open and watch what is going on. He wakes us up every night at all hours. I blame myself, I should have done something a long time ago. His family doesn't want to help or anything, leaves it all to me. I am at then end of my rope. I will be single soon, hopefully. I know all the tricks and am so done with them. We have been through it all including lots of jail time and lots of money. There must be a GOD. I need help through all this and hopefully this year will be the end. It's a very crazy situation and until someone actually lives through it, they just don't understand.
i am in the same boat too, and im dying inside because of it
I feel for all of you. Addiction doesn't just affect the addict. It's impossible for somebody who has never experienced addiction to understand it. How could they? Watching your loved one destroying themselves every single day. Never changing, even in the face of prison time and death. The word is 'insanity'. We know what we do is wrong. We wish we had control, but we don't. Who would want to live that life style? Nobody. Once it lands it's teeth on you, there's very small chance that we get clean. The brain literally forgets how to make feel good chemicals. The only things that feel good are drugs. We can't deal with reality, so we turn to substance abuse. Most addicts hate themselves. Trust me, I'm in recovery, as well. We hate ourselves more than our loved ones ever could. We see no way out, and we shut down entirely.
It's a tragedy for everyone involved. When you've been married to an addict for so long, and the addiction has been allowed to grow, you become codependent. Why would you stay with that? Same thing as drugs for us addicts. You feel lost, and trapped. You're afraid of making the wrong choices. You need to educate yourself in the very nature of addiction. You need to attend ala non meetings so that you can learn to live without your husband/wife. You build the strength to tell him/her that things have to change, or you are gone. There needs to be consequences. And consequences are pointless if you don't go through with it. Tell him to get the proper help he needs. Lay ground rules, and lines that cannot be crossed. And if it is crossed, give them the boot. That sounds terrible, especially if you're married, but you're doing nothing but destroying your own lives, and the lives of the children. It certainly isn't their fault. You need to make you the priority. For years, you spend every waking moment focused on what the addict is doing. You lose sight of what is important. If you care about then, the best thing you can do is walk out. No longer support that habit, and behavior. Don't let them feel comfortable with those decisions, because they are not acceptable. Sadly, most cases like this end up in divorce. I have never been married, but I can imagine how difficult divorce is. It isn't about loving them or not. Same for them. They don't do it because they don't love you, or cares about you. They do it because they're incapable of having normal relationships. Relationships take work, and time. It gets difficult, and we don't know how to handle it. We turn to drugs, believing that it helps in some way. We come up with a million excuses why it's acceptable to do it. But it isn't acceptable. Not to you, and certainly not your children. Help your loved ones reach rock bottom. Cut them out, entirely. No money, no calls, NOTHING. If there's any chance for their recovery, it will happen when everything is gone, and not a second before. If he does do rehab, and starts doing meetings and everything else, you can't just fall back into the way it was before. It will fail again. You tread lightly. Make sure he is really clean. Allow them back in slowly. That way, you're life can't be wrecked a second time. If they want to be clean, and stay in your lives, they won't argue with terms and conditions you set. Don't allow him access to bank accounts, or any other valuables. If that upsets him, he probably isn't ready yet. He obviously hasn't worked the 12 steps. Hasn't learned humility, and certainly hasn't faced Hus problems.
I am sorry for your guys' situation. I'm the addict, and the loved one of an addict. My twin sister, meth. She's going to prison as soon as the cops catch up to her. She's robbed my home multiple times. Taken everything worth money. Then ditched her baby off here. I have had him since. Finally, my aunt and uncle were able to tell her that there is no more money py, no more bail, nothing. If she wants to live that way, she can do so without endangering us, and her child. I'm an opiate addict, with 6 months clean time. I'm still struggling to deal with problems like a rationally thinking adult. I'm only 23, and I never grew up. No parents, and a lot of drug abuse has left me with the coping skills of an 8 year old. I'm struggling to grow up. It isn't easy. You need to understand that. It's very difficult, and painful. Having to face all the things I did, and the people I hurt... I would normally push it far back in my brain so I wouldn't have to think about it. Now I'm trying.
Sorry to rant. I just wanted to give you some perspective. Addiction is a family disease, and it affects everyone in your home. That doesn't mean it's okay to do these things, and we know that. It's very bleak for all addicts. I hope you guys all find the strength you need to do the things you need to do.
"Oppiate addicts are incapable of maintaining any sort of open/trusting relationship. The addicts sense of self and accomplishment come from a pill/needle. Years of opiate abuse re-wire the brain until all joy is replaced by a high. The complete abstinance rate for oppiate addicts is less than 10%. And those who do "recover" are changed (for the worse)."
I am an opiate addict - in recovery. I have a loving, trusting relationship w/ my wife, children; family. I expereince joy (as well as pain) on a daily basis.
Life can be diffilcut - but it has never been better.
Where do you get off - what data do you have to support: "And those who do "recover" are changed (for the worse)."?
May be your persoanl expereince - but is in no way representative of many of us in recovery.
I'll pray for you. Believe it or not, some of us addicts who's lives are permanantly changed for the worse - do pray to the God of our understanding...
Persistency is consistency
BLU4U, I know it's been over 2 years since you wrote your reply, but you seem like the right person I need to talk to who actually understands what it's like to go through something like this. I am in a very desperate situation myself and really need someone to talk to. I'd greatly appreciate it if we could talk sometime soon. Thank you in advance,
Thanks again. Also, if there's other wives or girlfriends out there with the same experiences I'd love all the help I can get. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm no where near the same person I used to be before him. I've become broken. I have severe anxiety and depression now and I'm constantly paranoid and watching him and TRYING to get as much control as I can, but he only gives me the illusion of control. He even said to me the other day, "You can try to do whatever you think you can, but let's face it, you'll never be able to stop me. If I want to get drugs I'll get them and there's nothing you can do. Keep the bank card and the cash, you know I'll get it if I want it. I don't care what you think you know or what you catch me doing. I'll do it right in front of you. I have before and nothing happened. You can't make me do anything or stop me from doing what I want to do." he was loaded on xanax and methadone when he said it, but I know he meant it. I don't want to keep rambling or else I'll end up writing a book on here. If anyone could spare some time to talk to me, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you and God bless!
Last edited by ddcmod; 03-07-2014 at 02:05 PM.
You should start your own thread here on the "Need to Talk" board. People will be able to reply to you directly and offer support/advice. This is an old thread. Go to the top of this page and click on "start a new thread". You can copy and paste this post there, if you like.
I'm sorry you're dealing with such nonsense. Have you ever attended a Alanon or Naranon meeting? They're for family and friends of addicts. You will find many others there who have been through the same exact thing.
Last edited by ddcmod; 03-07-2014 at 02:05 PM.
Hi Faithfully. I'm so sorry to hear about this. I also suffer from depression and anxiety and have a husband who is a drug user. I just joined the forums today, and (as my user name indicates) I don't have much of an idea how to handle this situation. I've found controlling my husband doesn't work, but then again, the other option, apart from leaving, seems to be living with it. I hope you can get some advice from someone with more experience than I have. I just wanted to let you know someone is reading and feels your pain.