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My dad wants my boyfriend out of the house
  1. #1
    bl_blues is offline New Member
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    Nov 2012
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    Default My dad wants my boyfriend out of the house

    Alright first off... I love and respect my father for who he is and what he has to say. I feel like his reasons are valid and for all I know, you might too.

    So here's the story:
    I met Henry about 2 years ago. He was 26 and I was 19. He was unemployed and sleeping on a friend's floor. Eventually, I helped him get a job and his own place that he had for almost a year before he was fired for failing a drug test that he had two weeks notice for. And believe me, that was a fight... a huge, frustrating fight.. he lost his apartment and moved in with me. All this time I had a full time job and was supporting us financially. My dad offered to support me financially so long as I was going to school but Henry had to get a job and pay him rent. He agreed to it and we moved to a different state... It took him 8 months to find a job. I had one the first week because I don't like not having my own source of income. And according to my parents, he wasn't always looking when he said he was looking... He has one now but it's seasonal and I feel like he's depending far too much on this part time seasonal job. He stopped looking for another one. When I bring it up, no matter how carefully, he rolls his eyes and gets upset and says he just wants to take a break from job hunting for a bit... He was unemployed for a year before he got this job. He was looking for one for 8 months.

    As for school, he never really wanted to go and when I suggested looking into it, he got discouraged because he didn't like the fact that he had to take classes he didn't like just to take ones he was interested in.

    Now why am I with him? Because when I was going through my nervous break down and going through different medications and was a nervous wreck, he was patient and loving. When I was ready to go off my meds, he was supporting. I feel safe, emotionally, when I'm with him. He wouldn't hurt me. He loves me too much.

    Which is why I feel so awful by how indifferent and annoyed I've been acting towards him. My biggest relationship pet peeve was to be with someone who had no ambition... And two years later, even my dad is scratching his head wondering what the hell I'm doing. He told me he wants Henry out and we should consider looking for a place together. He will continue to support me financially but he doesn't want him living in his house anymore. And I'm left here wondering, "Christ can I honestly still live with him?" We bicker all the time lately. But I dragged him out here away from friends and family he's lived around his whole life. I'm the bad guy in this situation and I hate that. I don't want to hurt anybody or regret anything.

    I'm not expecting anyone on here to give me "THE ANSWER" or anything, just some perspective. Anyone who witnessed or was in a similar situation? Am I just having "long term relationship blues" or is this valid? I honestly can't tell...

  2. #2
    winged eagle is offline Advanced Member
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    Aug 2010
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    Default

    Hi blues,
    First off, welcome to the forum :-)
    I must say, I could tell from your post that you're far more mature than your age, and quite intelligent as well. So I'm hoping you read this without emotions distracting you from the core message:
    You have to leave him.
    And here's why:
    You don't delve into it much, but he obviously has a drug problem of some sort, which explains why you're even here on this forum specifically.
    I was you once, quite young and in love with a man that was incredibly sweet and overall great except for his raging >>>>>> habit. Nothing I did, not the support, nor the empathy made a difference. Fast forward a few years and I was addicted to >>>>>> too.
    Basically, you need to do this for yourself, and believe it or not, for him. Addicts will not stop for anyone. The only way an addict will put aside his addiction and seek a clean life is if he hits rock bottom. HE need to want it, and want it more than anything else.
    Does your boyfriend want it?
    In the meantime, as you're being "supportive," you're unfortunately enabling his behaviour. Why would he even consider stopping when there's a roof above his head, a meal in front of him, and a woman who unconditionally accepts and nurtures him? It's sad to say, but the fact is this is fertile ground for an addiction to run rampant.

    Now you said he was there for YOU. Great. Really, that's awesome of him. But here's the thing: he was there for someone who had DECIDED to stop. He was supporting that decision, not a choice to remain addicted.
    That's really a big difference, blues.
    If your boyfriend decides to stop, by all means, do consider the decision to support him. Otherwise...

    As for the lack of ambition.. Let me assure you, it's most probably laziness more than anything else. I don't think I have much ambition myself, but I'm not lazy, and I'm a responsible person to a point :-) So I did accomplish a great deal. Your boyfriend is simply unmotivated. And he sounds sad. This all looks like addiction to me. Who knows, the laziness (hopefully) is also due to the drugs and not a characteristic. But you won't know this until he stops.

    Ok, loooong post, sorry. In a nutshell: If you love him and want to help him, there are ways to support him without enabling him. Please check out a few meetings, support groups for friends and families of addicts. Don't want to give you the wrong name (ala non?) because I live in the Middle East and we don't have those here, so I'll let one of the other guys give you the correct group name.
    Anyway, lots of luck. People here will support you through this. Post and post often, it helps.
    kc50 likes this.

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