Hey Charlotte,
I think I can give you some insight. In my ten years of heavy opiate use I died three times and was resuscitated (obviously). Finally, I went to Detox for the second time and have been off the opiates for almost 8 months. You shouldn't blame yourself for his addiction. Even though there are several factor that lead to addiction, in the end the addict needs to take responsibility for his or her own actions. I went through many emotional and physical hardships which definitely reinforced my addictive behavior, but I was the one who chose to take that route of numbing myself to the point I felt nothing. Let him be angry...it is part of recovery and if God wills he will realize that you love him and when he is clean you can foster a new relationship with him.
My daughter who is now ten saw me transform from an athletic, artistic and outgoing person into a recluse who only left his bed when he needed to at the end. In the last days of my addiction I could barely function. My mother and daughter saw me dying right in front of their eyes. Now that I look back I feel shame for putting my loved ones through this hell. But when your in the grip of addiction you don't think rationally. I was lucky that my daughter and mother and many friends did not abandon me in my hour of need. But many of my friends and family could not handle what I was doing to myself. I don't blame them. In short, I was killing myself...pill by pill; shot by shot. Hopefully, rehab will open his eyes and you again can have a relationship with your father. My child and I have an open relationship and she saw me go through detox. I encourage her to ask questions and she does not hestitate. In a sense, when a person goes through detox the whole family goes through it. We talk openly about the condition I was in and the times that I died. Moreover, we talk about how bad it is to abuse medications. She is so understanding and loving. My child has become so attached to me that I am not just staying clean for myself, but for her and the other people I love. You always hear that you should do it for yourself...but I didn't even know myself at that time. God gave me an epiphany about how I was hurting my loved ones, especially my child and mother. I felt convicted. Not too long ago I came very close to using again because I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and I was being criticized and judged by people who could care less for me. But God revealed this to me and my focus again rested on my beautiful daughter and the agape love I have for her. How could I do this insane thing again? Again, God gave me the strength to put the drugs away and face my demons head on. And now I am better for it. So don't blame yourself, the time will come when you can connect with father when his mind is clear. Then you can forge an authentic relationship based on love and trust.
For me my little girl gave me strength to push ahead through the months of withdrawals I struggled through. She would sit by my bed side as I would have seizure after seizure. Her little eyes loving me...guiding me through a literal hell. Since I could not sleep for days at a time I would watch over her at night to make sure nothing bad would happen to her. I was becoming a father again. Now I am alive, conscious and fully engaged in her life. We go out...talk, play and do many other things together. Before I laid in my bed as a broken man...slurring words, nodding out, catchin myself on fire from lit cigarettes that fell on me when I would pass out from drugs. She reminds me how I looked like death, 40 lbs overweight and bloated. Dark circles like black lakes around my eyes. Skin so white it would blind you. Completely incapacitated. Dead to the world. It's good to hear "Do you remember when your were like this or did that". Talk about conviction. Oh yes I remember and will never forget...never. If you forget you are sure to repeat the insanity. It keeps me on the straight and narrow. I am not perfect by any sense of the word, but each day I am conquering my addiction. Each day I am present in mind and body. Each day I seek God and truth...and fight through the darkness to reach the light. Thank God for my loved ones because I would not be here today if it were not for them. So hang in there and just love your dad and that love will come back to you a hundred fold. God Bless
VJ
Last edited by vduda : 04-01-2008 at 03:05 PM.
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