[Oxyanswers]

My boyfriend of almost a year is an Oxy addict. When we first met He told me of his addiction and that he had received help for it prior to meeting me and that he was clean. Well time went by and the man that I feel in love with started to dissapear because he began to use again. For a while he denyed it to me..saying that I was crazy..Meanwhile, he has a great job and makes very good money and still lives at home with very little bills to pay but somehow never has any money. He eventually confessed to me about 2 months ago that he had started using again and is determined to stop on his own because he refuses to go to NA meetings. Well nothing has changed..he is still using but back to denying it to me. I have tried talking to his parents but sadly they do not believe me. I'm completly devistated over this whole thing & I know he wants help but i think he is just so afraid of letting people down who were so proud of him the last time he quit. I dont want to leave him but i'm afraid that eventually that will be my only choice. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get him some kind of help...or maybe have advice on how to address an addict? God I just feel really alone and helpless..
Thanks for Reading..

[Robert_325]

Originally Posted by Oxyanswers

My boyfriend of almost a year is an Oxy addict. When we first met He told me of his addiction and that he had received help for it prior to meeting me and that he was clean. Well time went by and the man that I feel in love with started to dissapear because he began to use again. For a while he denyed it to me..saying that I was crazy..Meanwhile, he has a great job and makes very good money and still lives at home with very little bills to pay but somehow never has any money. He eventually confessed to me about 2 months ago that he had started using again and is determined to stop on his own because he refuses to go to NA meetings. Well nothing has changed..he is still using but back to denying it to me. I have tried talking to his parents but sadly they do not believe me. I'm completly devistated over this whole thing & I know he wants help but i think he is just so afraid of letting people down who were so proud of him the last time he quit. I dont want to leave him but i'm afraid that eventually that will be my only choice. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get him some kind of help...or maybe have advice on how to address an addict? God I just feel really alone and helpless..
Thanks for Reading..

Be supportive if he will admit the problem and take action immediately to get help. Otherwise you need to set limits and live up to them. If you don't then you are enabling him and making matters worse.

You are in a most difficult place. You love this person, but potentially can have more effects on his recovery or continuing to use than anyone. There are some girls on the forum in similar situations. I suspect they will be posting soon. You will receive some outstanding support here.

Just don't allow your boyfriend to drag you down. Either he cleans up or you are setting yourself up for a bunch of misery if you permit it to happen or stick around if it does. I wish you the best of luck. God bless.

[Oxyanswers]

Originally Posted by Robert_325

Be supportive if he will admit the problem and take action immediately to get help. Otherwise you need to set limits and live up to them. If you don't then you are enabling him and making matters worse.

You are in a most difficult place. You love this person, but potentially can have more effects on his recovery or continuing to use than anyone. There are some girls on the forum in similar situations. I suspect they will be posting soon. You will receive some outstanding support here.

Just don't allow your boyfriend to drag you down. Either he cleans up or you are setting yourself up for a bunch of misery if you permit it to happen or stick around if it does. I wish you the best of luck. God bless.

Thank you so much for your responce..I know that you are right & I have been going to Nar-Anon Meetings every now and then to help keep me sain. I try to remain as calm and as positive as i possibly can with him regarding this when it comes up but its becoming harder and harder to stay nice when i really just want to put his head through the nearest wall. I have been trying to devote more time to myself rather then him and his addiction..cuz it was getting to a point where it was consuming me and all my time.
Thanks for the advice & the good wishes...it really means alot

[Marou]

Hello Oxyanswers !

I am one of the girl Robert was talking about...
My husband of 6 years is addicted to tramadol ( opioids) since 20 years...Of course I did not know this when we married...

When I learned that he was using I was very naive and belived him without any proof that he stopped.... and I believed him for many years... had some relapses but he also lied to me about theses and told me he was clear again.... last weeks he had a kind of overdose ( epilepsy crises) because of the drugs... and he admitted to me that he was lying all those years...

At that time I did not have access to internet, or to a specialist ... I was very naive and believed him...

Now because of this site and because of my visit to a specialist who deal with drugs abuse , I am aware of all the consequences, the manipulation and the devastation that drug abuse can cause in one relations and one health... I wanted to help him so much, I forgot about myself, and I had a severe depression... Now I am much better, the normal up and down like everybody else...

I have learned that I have to set limits and sticks with it... My situation is horrible because I dont have a big incomes and I am not living in my own country.... so I will need time to save money to start a new life if my husband wont respect his words...

Please listen to Robert, and dont stick with him if he is not taking serious steps to be help now.... Know that they always want to postpone to the next month, the next week in order to get more time to manipulates you and to convince you that they dont need help... dont fall into this... for your sake...

If you want to talk about anything, know that there is always some people here that will listen and not judge you... we are here to support and not make judgment...

I hope you will find the right way to deal with this situation, and you will find the courage to stick with your decisions....

keep us posted... and write as much as you want, because it helps a lot to let our feelings out...

I will pray for you

Marou

[Oxyanswers]

Originally Posted by Marou

Hello Oxyanswers !

I am one of the girl Robert was talking about...
My husband of 6 years is addicted to tramadol ( opioids) since 20 years...Of course I did not know this when we married...

When I learned that he was using I was very naive and belived him without any proof that he stopped.... and I believed him for many years... had some relapses but he also lied to me about theses and told me he was clear again.... last weeks he had a kind of overdose ( epilepsy crises) because of the drugs... and he admitted to me that he was lying all those years...

At that time I did not have access to internet, or to a specialist ... I was very naive and believed him...

Now because of this site and because of my visit to a specialist who deal with drugs abuse , I am aware of all the consequences, the manipulation and the devastation that drug abuse can cause in one relations and one health... I wanted to help him so much, I forgot about myself, and I had a severe depression... Now I am much better, the normal up and down like everybody else...

I have learned that I have to set limits and sticks with it... My situation is horrible because I dont have a big incomes and I am not living in my own country.... so I will need time to save money to start a new life if my husband wont respect his words...

Please listen to Robert, and dont stick with him if he is not taking serious steps to be help now.... Know that they always want to postpone to the next month, the next week in order to get more time to manipulates you and to convince you that they dont need help... dont fall into this... for your sake...

If you want to talk about anything, know that there is always some people here that will listen and not judge you... we are here to support and not make judgment...

I hope you will find the right way to deal with this situation, and you will find the courage to stick with your decisions....

keep us posted... and write as much as you want, because it helps a lot to let our feelings out...

I will pray for you

Marou

Your heaven sent! Thank you so much for your honesty..it helps to hear that I am not alone.

I am 25 and although young I try my hardest to think i am not a push over..My mother is a recovering Alcoholic and its funny b/c i thank my lucky stars everyday that she is..b/c her suffering with her addiction and coming out on top has really been an inspiration to me..and has given me hope that my boyfriend will be able to pull through all this. He says he wants help but his pride is making it hard to get himself in to an NA meeting.

Whats the most painful is knowing the Man he was when I first met him..He was clean (with the Aid of a Pellet in his arm)..and truely my Prince charming...and for a while i was afraid of admitting how happy I was..and it was almost as soon as I did that..my prince charming slowly started to fall apart...

He gets mad now when he knows that I have done my research or followed up with something that he told me..to not only make sure it was the truth but to also make sure that i'm not being manipulated...which in the end just confirms more and more that he is using again...so defensive he gets.

Thanks for sharing your story & putting me in your prayers..i will do the same for you.

[Lost83]

Oxyanswers,

I am also 25 with a husband who is an addict and my father a recovering alcoholic been sober for over 20 years. My hubby got busted with roxy's and my 10 month old son in the back seat of the car July 4th weekend. I was devastated, married for almost 3 years, been together for near 10. I had no idea of his addiction. He did reach out for help the moment he stepped out of jail, for that I am thankful, but it has been a long road. He has been clean for 51 days.

I agree with Robert, if he is willing to accept help, be supportive. But it doesn't sound like that is the case. He has to admit he has a problem, if he isn't willing to take that step, there is very little we can say or do. I read the following on another forum and I have posted it on a few threads here, please read it, it puts things into prespective for us as to how the addict needs us to step back and let them fight this battle on their own. It's a good read and I wish I would have seen it back in July, I could have really used it!

"If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it. Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion "

We are lucky to have the experience of seeing someone RECOVER! Especially people that are very close to us. Had it not been for my father right now and the support on this forum, I would have been right at the bottom of the barrel with him.

In my experience the manipulation is the worst of all, it makes us feel like we are crazy. It must be especially hard on you being that his family doesn't believe you. That is just ridiculous given his past. Stay strong and stick to your guns. Don't let him manipulate you. We drive ourselves insane on a daily basis trying to figure out what they are doing when we aren't looking. This is very damaging to us, we are bringing ourselves to a point where our lives become consumed with their addiction and that proves to be exhausting and it drags us down.

Please take care of yourself. I will have you in my thoughts. Keep us posted.

[Oxyanswers]

Dear lost..
I want to say that the quote you left is just amazing..sadly it is easier said then done..but I try everyday & have my own personal battle with it as you and many many others do as well.

Having a parent who is a recovering addict is a BLESSING and we are very lucky for that. My mothers battle has given me not only strength but also hope that my boyfriend can pull through too..I just pray that its not false hope. I try to stay as positive as possible, but i'll be honest Its been hard lately..

I have been reading your posts and just got to the most recent ones this morning & actually planned on posting to you tonight to share my story and tell you that reading your posts have been an inspiration to me but you beat me to it I was going to Nar anon meetings but found it hard to relate because alot of the people were there for their children & were alot older then me. Do not get me wrong they were all amazing and the meetings do work..I just need to find one for myself that caters to what i'm going through...cuz I am choosing to be with this man..he's not my child that I feel responsible for b/c I raised them. Then I came across this site in trying to identify medication (cuz over night I somehow turned into a private eye) and stumbled across this and the many others like me in similar situations..and it was refreshing.
So here I am trying to figure out if I should stay or go..I'm not one to take ******************** from anyone but for whatever reason I cant shake this one. In lesser words...it just sucks. How do you or how have you began to regain trust for your husband..? Im trying to see the light at the end of the deception tunnel but its been difficult.
Thank you again for sharing and reaching out..I will keep you in my prayers... hope to hear from you soon.

[Lost83]

Oxyanswers,

So true, easier said than done.

In order to start gaining trust back he has to start working towards his recovery. If he can't be truthful with himself, then he can't even think about being honest with anyone else. Is he willing to get help?

My husband and I are slowly and I do mean slowly starting to get trust back in our relationship. This past week has been the first in a while that I haven't caught him lying about something. Although he is not using, he is so used to lying that he claims its a habit to break. I, on the other hand, am not going to stand for it for too much longer, he needs to be honest PERIOD! We are adults and he is free to make his decisions, be they good or bad, but he needs to be man enough to stand by his choices. I hope he gets there, he never was a liar. It's very hard for me to swallow. I miss him dearly!

We as the loved ones who see the damage they are doing to themselves, naturally want to jump in and "save them". We can't. We only drive ourselves insane looking for answers or clues. I learned the hard way, I did the investigative work, I searched his phone records, I montiored every penny, the list goes on and on of things I've done to try and stop him from relapsing and try to shelter him from things that would cause him to want to relapse. Ultimately, despite all my efforts, he relapsed, more than once. I felt defeated, how could he do this to me??!! Well, he did this to himself, and I was allowing it to affect me. It sucks, big time, how the hell isn't it supposed to affect us? We cannot let someone elses addiction consume our lives. It doesn't help them, and it causes us to become self destructive. I found myself not enjoying the time I had with my son, becoming distant from my friends and family, losing control of my emotions. I was a basket case.

Every situation is different but often the symptoms and actions of the addict are very similar. We only have control of our actions. Unless your bf admits his problem and seeks help, he will not be honest with you.

I know what you mean about the Naranon meeting. I went once, never even made it in the door. For me, this forum works. I come here, vent, and get great advice from both sides of the fence. I get some insight as to what and how he is thinking, and some perspective on how I should handle these situations. Everyone has to find what works for them. The Naranon meetings are highly recommended, and if you find one you like, great! From what I've heard, the Alanon meetings typically have higher attendance, perhaps you will find a somewhat younger crowd there and some wives, husbands, etc. of alcoholics / addicts. Just a suggestion.

I hope your bf decides to get help. Sadly if he chooses not to, you are going to be stuck dealing with the lies and manipulation if you choose to stay with him. Keep us posted. Good luck!

[Oxyanswers]

Lost
He has yet to say "i am an active user and i need help"...but he has said that he has been fighting "cravings" and is trying to figure out what his next step should be with either going to a doctor or NA meetings. But I know that he is in fact using daily if I had to bet..and he has yet to take that step to actually go talk to someone..so I'm not sure to take it as a good sign that he wants outside help or a bad sign that he still hasn't fessed up to using. His cousin knows about all this and they are supposed to talk soon...i'm praying that maybe the cousin can get through to him or he will open up to his cousin more then me. He has also told me that he cant get help for me, that he has to do it for himself..which I totally agree with 110%. My responce to that was that I deserve to be with someone who loves themselves enough to take care of themselves...b/c if he cant take care of him then there is no way i can expect him to ever take care of me...or at least be there the way that i deserve someone to be. So in my eyes its all talk to either put off the help or get me to shut up basically..
I know in my heart that if he starts some kind of a program somewhere and puts the effort into getting better b/c HE WANTS IT..then I will be able to start to build my trust for him again..but I'll tell you lately my trust is disapearing faster and faster.
I came across a quote that I haven't been able to get outa my head and I thinks its suitable for anyone who loves an addict and there feeling on waiting for them to admit their problem & get help...
"Its hard to wait around for something you know may never happen...but its even harder to walk away when you know if it did happen...it would be everything you ever wanted"
I hope that everything is going well on your end..the fact that your husband is not much older then my boyfriend, has had the addiction for a similar amount of time and is able to show signs of pulling through this gives me hope..even though I am sure the road is and has been very bumpy.

Thanks for Listening & Sharing...hope to hear from you or anyone that wants to vent soon

[Robert_325]

What LOST was talking about with her husband still acting out on defective behaviors like lying but not using is very common. Addicts get clean fairly quickly once they get started but it can take a long time to rid oneself of the defective character traits that go along with using. Lying is obviously a very common defect of character for addicts. But they are not just lying to you ladies, they are lying to themselves too. So while they do make the choice to lie, it isn't involuntary like breathing, but it is a defect which can take some time to get past.

Oxyanswers ... I told you some other ladies in similar situations would reply. There are a lot of spouses of addicts that are totally confused trying to figure out what to do with their addict spouses. And all the spouses aren't women only. There are a lot of addict women as well who leave their husbands totally bewildered. This is not a gender thing.

Go ahead and vent as necessary but realize that while venting is good for letting go of some steam, we seldom come up with good answers while venting. Try to make decisions about all this based on logic and reason, not on emotion that comes from venting. Don't make decisions while mad and emotional. That is just a suggestion. You girls are fortunate to have each other to share with. God bless.

[Oxyanswers]

Originally Posted by Robert_325

What LOST was talking about with her husband still acting out on defective behaviors like lying but not using is very common. Addicts get clean fairly quickly once they get started but it can take a long time to rid oneself of the defective character traits that go along with using. Lying is obviously a very common defect of character for addicts. But they are not just lying to you ladies, they are lying to themselves too. So while they do make the choice to lie, it isn't involuntary like breathing, but it is a defect which can take some time to get past.

Oxyanswers ... I told you some other ladies in similar situations would reply. There are a lot of spouses of addicts that are totally confused trying to figure out what to do with their addict spouses. And all the spouses aren't women only. There are a lot of addict women as well who leave their husbands totally bewildered. This is not a gender thing.

Go ahead and vent as necessary but realize that while venting is good for letting go of some steam, we seldom come up with good answers while venting. Try to make decisions about all this based on logic and reason, not on emotion that comes from venting. Don't make decisions while mad and emotional. That is just a suggestion. You girls are fortunate to have each other to share with. God bless.

Yes you were right about the other ladies in my situation! I'm thankful that they & and yourself have been kind enough to share stories/thoughts with me

As for the boyfriend...im trying to think as logically as my brain is allowing me to with all of this..which i'm finding is very difficult..even when it comes to speaking to him about this...i'm finding that its becoming harder and harder cuz I find myself getting more and more mad at him..I know that your supposed to hate the drug and the disease not the person...but i'm struggling with that lately. This has caused me to feel like I have a disease myself...for wanting to stay and feel like I can fix it. Realistically, I know as clear as day I cant do that..and I'm realizing that I'm powerless over everything but myself and my own actions & have been trying to "fix" that not him....in hopes that my reactions will alter his actions.
I def. know that there are men out there who are in my situation...I have a very close guy friend who is in a similar sitation. He had a baby with a heroine addict before my relationship even started & I could never figure out why he still bothered with her even before the baby was envolved..until now...People on the outside just wont understand unless they are in your shoes. I would never wish this on anyone & hope that in the end I can say that I learned something-positive or negative from all of this.

Thank you for all your wise words Robert..Your a very very smart man

This site has helped me stay floating when I thought for sure I was about to sink

[Lost83]

Oh Robert, I just love hearing from you! You are truly amazing and I am thankful to have you to listen and give such constructive advice, just wanted to give you a pat on the back

Oxyanswers,

It's all so confusing and we drive our selves nuts trying to analyze how our loved ones are thinking. Sheesh, it's tiresome too. I know how you feel when you know someone is worth every bit of effort we put into trying to help them because we know they have the ability to overcome their addiction. It's frustrating when they don't see what we see. Unfortunately, they can only start to see through the fog once they finally admit their minds are clouded and that they are powerless over their addiction.

My hubby is so used to taking care of himself from his teenage years so it was (and still is) hard for him to surrender and realize that this isn't something he can beat on his own. He would start to think the worst was over and that he could do this on his own, then he would relapse. He thought because he was going to his NA meetings that was all he needed. But he wasn't working the program and using the tools he was given. When he had the urge to use, he didn't pick up the phone and call anyone.

He is starting to get it, actually coming up on 60 days clean. NA has become a huge part of both of our lives. We go to bbq's, bowling events, pretty much everything they coordinate, we participate. We bring our son to the gatherings when appropriate (daytime events) and I see my hubby actually having fun SOBER!! Something he thought would be impossible. He has this whole new family that is sober and struggling at times just like he is. People he can relate to and not feel like he is being judged. Where he thought he was alone and no one could possibly understand how he was feeling, he has had others take the words out of his mouth. It makes him feel normal (whatever that is).

We both know, they are the only ones that can make these decisions in order for them to succeed. Be firm, say what you mean. He is still in denial. I am not in your situation so I can't say for sure but from your post it sounds like he is pacifying you so he can continue doing drugs without you bugging him about getting help. Addicts can be very manipulative; it's scary because we love them and want to believe that they are trying, but it's all or nothing when it comes to addiction and recovery. Actions speak louder than words. Thinking about a program or going to the doctor is just another excuse, sounds like he has no intentions on seeking help.

Him telling you that he has to want to do this for him and not for you is true, but there's a sign right there, he isn't ready. For your sake, you have to do what is best for you. Please think hard about what you want out of life and if this is something you can do for the rest of your life. Until he makes the choice to get help you are setting yourself up for a life of misery, lies, and deception if you choose to stay with him. This disease only gets worse, the addict searches for the high they used to get in the beginning, at all costs. They begin doing things that are wrong on so many levels because they just want to get high. Please don't allow yourself to be treated poorly out of your love for him. THis may sound harsh but while he is using, he doesn't care about himself which means he can't care about anyone else.

Please keep me posted, I will keep my fingers crossed that his cousin will have some effect on him.