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My Boyfriend is a heroin addict. What do I do?
My Boyfriend is a heroin addict. What do I do?
Hello to anyone and everyone willing to take the time to read this.
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we have had some rought times to say the least. He was in the service and got into drugs decided to go Awol and ever since has had a serious drug problem. This was almost a year ago. In the begining we were trying the long distance thing and I constantly had a bad feeling due to the people he spent his time with and the sudden lack of care in so many ways. I decided to go and see him and found out he had been using Cocain once and a while and Heroin once and a while not to mention he was cheating on me. We ended up breaking up over these issues but not even a week later we were back together. I convinced myself he loved me enough to not do those things anymore. He moved back to where I was a couple of months after but while he was gone he had his apendix removed and had developed a pain pill problem due to the surgury. Now that he was back he was having a hard time getting a hold of pain pills so he ordered them online and that worked for a while but we didn't have the money for him to continue that habit. So all the sudden he was fine didn't have the want or need for pain pills and was always so caring and affectionate. I was so happy that it didn't even cross my mind that something was wrong when everything felt so right. I soon found out my happy wonderful loving boyfriend was snorting heroin. I was angry but after he convinced me it was only for a very short while and it was just because we couldn't afford his medication this was a cheaper solution right? Wrong he continued to play me and convince me of lies through his whole snorting heroin phase, his whole smoking heroin phase, and tried when he started injecting. By then I had had enough of the lies and betrayl I tried to contact his father and he man handled the phone from my fingers and left me screming and crying about how he loved drugs more then me. Finally he came to his senses and realized he had a problem it wasn't just for fun anymore. He bought suboxone off the streets cause he didn't have medical and tried to quit on his own. Didn't work. Finally his parents found out and offered to pay for rehab. He said maybe, he wanted to go on vacation first so the both of us took off and he said he was gonna try to quit on hisown again. . . watching him go through withdrawls was horrible I couldn't do anything he was throwing up and seizing and his eyes were rolling in the back of his head. He asked me to take him to the ER so I did. The doctors there told us he needed immidiate help so the next day we flew home. He went into a detox program that lasted the total of 4 days just to get him clean and through withdrawls. Now were looking for an Outpaitent program but I"m scared he will just go back to Heroin. He informed me that after a couple of years if he still doesn't like sober life he will go back to it. What do I do then? Wait tell were married with kids and when he decides to be a heroin addict I'm a single mom whose kids don't have a dad. The main reason I'm writing all of this is to find out what I can do to keep him away from drugs? Any suggestions or advice would be very much so appreciated. (If your suggestion is to leave him please don't respond, that is not a option and it is something I'm told alot. Yes I'm stupid to stay, but I know that so you don't have to tell me)
It sounds like you really love this guy so I won't go into anything negative. His best chance for success is to make an appt. with a suboxone doctor. If the parents were willing to foot the bill for rehab, then the cost of outpatient suboxone treatment is no longer an excuse. He should do fine on the subs and can taper off fairly easy in about 8 weeks ! I am living proof that it can be done. Read my thread Intelmetal on this site and you will see that it can work. I was on 360mgs of methadone for years and tapered down to the recommended dose, then switched to the suboxone and I am now tapering. I started May 4, 2009 @ 8mgs per day, and now I am down to .5mgs per day. In a couple of weeks I will be totally clean. Remember, I was an opiate addict for 11 years ! I also have a loving wife who stuck by my side and helped me tremendously with my problem. He can do this. Please ask for Roberts help, he will be back online sometime today. God Bless and Good Luck !
to live my life and to be free !
There is absolutely nothing you can do to change his behavior. But you can help the situation by finding a support group for yourself so you can learn from other people who are the loved ones of addicts. You could try Alanon, which also offers supports to families of people who use drugs. You'll learn more about the disease and how to cope with it.
Is he going to NA? He should be going to meetings every day. That will likely be part of any outpatient program you might find.
I hear you when you say you're going to stay with him no matter what, but you have to be realistic. He's not at all committed to staying clean. He's already giving himself excuses to relapse. If he "doesn't like" the sober life? I guarantee that life is going to throw him something he doesn't like sooner or later. And he's given himself permission to start using again when that happens. The way things stand now, that vision of yourself as a single mom looks pretty likely if you're absolutely committed to staying with him. You can be supportive, but you can't keep him clean. He's got to do that himself.
Good luck, and take care.
If you love him all u can do is stand by him. He will not quit till he is ready! Even if he is ready u need to be ready too because he may relapse. I am not trying to bring you down. I am just being honest. Its a long hard road.
Hi Worried, I have been living with my daughter the heroin addict. It is a long and hard life. I have tried everything to get my daugher to "want" to be clean, we can't make them, no matter how much we want it. Read the posts on these forums, it will help you make an educated decision. I will say that living with a drug addict has just about killed me. I look different, act different and my health is going down the tubes, won't even go into how much in debt we are because of this. My beautiful jewlery gone, most of everything gone. People ask why I don't wear my wedding band or any jewels at all. I just say they get in the way when working in the yard. What ever your decision make sure your eyes are not clouded by love. Good luck.
I am sorry to hear your situation-
As one of those who was on that side of the fence, you simply cannot help them until they are ready to help themselves.
Some people just have to hit true rock bottom - I thank god every day that I quit OXY almost a year ago, and have had many NA meetings and cousiling, combine with subox treatment - it was the only thing that saved me.
Intervention - either you choose the drug and lose everything and everyone you have ever loved, or you choose to live again. It seems so simple yet, so hard.
I just wish people in that state of mind could understand how beautiful life really is sober. There is absoulutly no better feeling than the wind on your arms, sun in your face, enjoying life the way it was meant to be.
Hope this helps,
Congrats Matt!!!! You should be very proud of yourself. Life is really cool straight. It takes to much effort to do drugs, what with the stealing, crack houses, etc. Just wish my daughter would understand that. I keep praying someday she will.
Thanks guys for all the support and wonderful advice. Good news though! He has now started attending an outpatient program in which he goes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for 3 hours to attended a group which seems to be doing wonders. He has already started to lower his dosage to Suboxone and now that he is in the right mind has informed me how much he wants to be sober. He says he can't live a life of lies anymore. I truly hope he means it and hope all ends up the right way. He has now been clean for 17 days! I'm sooo proud of him I can't even tell you! He has owned up to so many lies and has confessed things he has denied for almost a year. I see a bright future for the two of us. But than again I could just be caught up in the hopes for a future that involves him. I know he might relapse but he might not right?
Hey worried, congrats! I am glad he has seen the light. I think with age comes the knowledge of what could be. The problem with daughter is she is 17 and we all know or remember what being 17 is like. I am really happy for you. Now it's time for the lifestyle change, to change both of your lives for the better. Take time together to enjoy the simple things, take a walk, get an ice cream. I am really happy for both of you!!!!!
It has not been too long since I was 17. So yes I very much so know remember what it was like. When I was 17 I was dating my current boyfriend and had recently lost my 5 best friends to there heroin addictions all of which are female. One contracted HIV and all them had been pregnant by the age of 16. Since she wont seem to listen to you about quitting her addiction and she is a minor I would check her into an institute against her will. I know that sounds harsh and not done as easily as said but I know that the only 2 out of my 5 old best girlfriends that have a future are the ones whose parents forced them into rehabilitaion.
Wish I could check her into a rehab but in this state it is not possible. It has to be her own will. I did get her into 5 previous rehabs one was in FL, she wanted to get far away from here. Nothing worked. I am learning from this forum that the will to change has to come from within the addict.
sorry to hear the rehabs didnt work. glad the suboxone is helping, it certainly felt great to me when i was in withdrawals. One thing you may want to consider at some point down the road ( when things have stabalized a bit) is detoxing off suboxone can be a pain too. i got caught up cycling between oxy and sub just to try to mitigate the withdrawals from each. I managed to hide this misery for several years from my wife but one day she found my hidden stash..Next day she took me to the Waismann method for their rapid detox procedure. I was full of shame and fear my wife was going to leave me, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me to be honest! just celebrated two years on July 7th..got a cool sobriety date 7/7/7..i hope things straighten out with you guys and perhaps do some research into the treatment i went through at a time you feel is right..keep up the support, it really makes a difference!
Congrats! It's great that more and more people are getting clean and staying that way. This forum is wonderful. What is Waismann method for their rapid detox procedure? Daughter has been medicating herself with Suboxone. Have talked to her about seeing a doctor for Suboxone but she says she'll just get them from the boyfriend. I'm glad she is trying. This past week has been one of the best in a few years. My concern is that she will be addicted to Suboxone. One step at a time. Haven't found a needle in a few days, her skin is clearing up and she went to church again last night with me. For her community hours my Pastor will be working with her. The more I get her into church the less hold the Devil will have. It is all about a life style change. Thank you for your sucess story.
Listen sweetie, I feel your pain. My husband is also addicted to heroine. He is unlike your boyfriend for the fact that he completely lies about the entire thing. He says that he doesnt have a problem like Im stupid and dont see the effects. I am in the same boat as you. I really dont want to give up on my husband because we have been together for 16 years and married for 12. It is just so hard when all of the financial responsibilies start to fall on me and I have no help. He too has gotten hold of suboxone. I believe that he is using them as a supplement to his addiction. He definitely refuses to sign himself into any kind of program, which makes it harder for me because as I am sure you are aware that we as the outsiders can not force them to get help until they are ready. Maybe together we can come up with something.
Things are good ish . . .
He has now been 22 days clean and counting he is so much more energetic now and seems to be doing good all except. His sex drive is that of an 80 year old woman. =( Now what I'm glad he is clean but I didn't realize it would make him want me soo much less. I'm not sure how to aproach this? I'm afraid of mentioning it cause I dont want to stress him out but it's starting to stress me out? So now what?
Give it time, things change gradually. Don't say anything yet. 22 days clean is great but not long enough. Hang in there, you are doing a good job.
I came to the internet searching for answers. Searching to see if it's worth staying in a situation like this. Searching to see if this drug is really as bad as they say it is and reading this I can't help but feel there is no hope. This is a never ending cycle.
WorriedGf if feel like everything you've said about helping you boyfriend I could have said about mine. But after almost 5 years. A son. Cheating. And now this new addiction he's found I just don't have any more to give.
I don't know how I missed all the signs. He lives in another town and only sees me on the weekend. But when he started getting skinny. I thought it was because he wasn't eating my cooking everyday.
I even went on vacation hoping to help him. It was like I was trying to run from the evil that was haunting him. Watching him go threw withdrawals was the hardest thing I think I've ever seen in my life.
In a matter of months I've watched my fiance give up all the dreams we set together for our family. I don't even know the person he has become.
I tell him every day that I am going to leave him for what he is doing. I've even talked to guy at a concert we went to last Thurs. Really I was balling my eyes out on a step after he left me and a guy started talking to me. He's doing #10 on my list of things he should never do. Why shouldn't I leave. But I just keep giving him one more day hoping to get threw this. But then in those days when I thought he was clean, I'm pretty sure he was sneaking off and doing it.
I don't want to think he lies. But I see things he lies about to other people and I would be stupid to think that he doesn't lie to me. It's a horrible feeling.
Today he got up and tried to will my car out of me so he could drive back to get it. I promptly refused! I tried to throw him out. An argument broke out. And in the struggle, he hit me.
The police were already on the way because he called them. He went to jail.
In all this I can't help but feel this is my fault. What should I have done differently. I really meant it when I sincerely asked him not to do it when he said he wanted to quit. He says because he can't be with me and the kids everyday he does the dope. But then I ask well why did you do it when you were here with me? He says he needs it not to be sick. But wouldn't it be easier to get over the sickness and be well.
What I don't understand, but his step mother told me in the beginning when we first started dating. And now what everyone is telling me. He is an addict. He will do anything to get the high. And heroin is the coolest high in the world. He's a changed man.
The lady police told me this is the cycle of domestic abuse.
It's going to continue unless I stop it. Everything I was doing, even though I did not know it, was enabling him. Me leaving is the only thing that will change things. But I can't help but worry. He basically says having me and the fact that we want a big family together is the only thing keeping him going. If I leave then what's the point?
It sucks because right now he is in jail. I couldn't help but think while I was filling out the report. Maybe this isn't that bad. But I'm starting to realize it is. This isn't how I envisioned myself in life.
I think I've realized it's leaded to severe depression and anxiety.
All the news on Michael Jackson isn't helping. It's like a billboard saying that if you become addicted to narcotics this is what will happen. But like my fiance joking said. He can't die from this, then he wouldn't be able to get high. Was I supposed to laugh at this? And did Layne Staley from Alice N Chains say this before he Od'ed.
The police gave me a card and strongly urged me to get an order. I think they press charges no matter what. She said this is only going to get worse from one mother to another. He's in the jail close to my house.
I just don't know what to do.
Will he show up in the morning.
And if I see him will I let him in?
I'm basically all he has...
No one should put their hands on you, you have children in house and the physical abuse is unacceptable. I would heed the police woman's advice and get a restraining order against him. This may put him one step closer to reaching his bottom. But more importantly keep you and your kids safe.
He is manipulating you, trying to justify his using because he isn't with you everyday. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped and now he has resorted to physcially abusing you, I would certainly not stick around and be his punching bag.
I know it's easier said than done but in this situation, I'd say there is no option, he has become violent and you are putting yourself and children in harms way if you allow him back. He needs some clean time and anger management under his belt before I would even consider having contact with him.
"I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it."
Trust me I understand the struggle of being in love with a lying cheating drug addict. Cause when it comes down to it that is what they are. When the drug takes control they loose sight of themselves and stop caring about the people they love. ONLY once they are clean can they be someone who can provide and protect. My boyfriend and I have been through hell and back getting him clean and now that he is things are getting better but seriously after going through about a year of constant heartbreak I don't think I would be able to stick around for a day of the same old bull******** I let myself go through. But there are BIG differences in our situations. My boyfriend and I don't have children and he has never laid a hand on me. Seeing as you need to do what ever is best for your child and having an abuse lying cheating drug addict around them is probably one of the worst situations your child can be in. So I strongly suggest you to walk away while you can. He is in jail which is a blessing in disguise he will have to be clean for his time in there and as soon as he is out he will be sober. If you have any chance of being together now is your oppurtunity to get him into rehab or a clinic of sorts to help with his addiction. He needs to be clean to be in your life when a child is involved. I honestly understand that what I'm sayin is harsh and I do apologize for that whenever someone told me to walk away from my man regardless of how much he made me cry and how bad he made me feel I wouldn't listen and I'm glad I didn't. Things are going well now and thank god they are. But my situation is rare, alot of people don't have as happy of an ending as I have. But we are still in the begining things still can go straight to hell. I am here for any questions or advice or just simple venting. Good luck
Oh no! It is not your fault. What people who love addicts need to remember is addicts lie. Alot. He should never, ever touch you! I really wish you could pack and leave but really none of us can do it, either financially or emotionally. You MUST put your child and yourself first. Believe me, first 1 slap, then another. You are to good a person for such treatment. Stand up for your child and you. Addicts always put the blame on someone. My daughter is the addict and under age so my situation is different. Let me just say, the past 3 years have been the worst of my life. We have lost thousands of dollars from being robbed, $30,000 for rehabs, walls with holes, doors broken, hubby and I have aged 10 yrs. My marriage has suffered. lets not forget the best part, the cops are at your door and your neighbors are looking. Yes, it is embarrasing, to me at least. I could go on and on. Get yourself safe, start on the road to your recovery. I am trying that also, it is not easy, but hey, we are worth it! Find a church, that is the best thing I have done. They are my rock.
Man! I just feel so confused. For almost two weeks now I have not really seen him. He keeps blaming me for not letting him come over to clean up, but then when I say come over. He makes every excuse in the book not to come over.
Even laughs about hitting me saying he should have hit me more since he was going to jail any ways. Because I hit him trying to get him out the house. And I act like a dude.
He always calls me every name in the book.
I've seen him twice so far at his, his mom's, house. The first time last week I actually missed him. But as the week went on every time he called me I would just start lashing out on him with mean word because of how disappointed he has made me. I couldn't help it. Just hearing his voice and his excuses really upsets me.
I feel like I'm some dog and he's teaching me to deal with the situation by punishing me. Telling me not to talk about it. He has an appointment to get help. But in the mean time. I'm just supposed to be happy. Love him even thought I live practically in poverty, and just deal with it until he decides to snap out of it. And if I'm nice he'll eventually take me out and dinners and such. He's never bought me anything.
He said if I would just be nice then maybe he could get better. I'm the reason he keeps doing it because I'm a mood swinging B!!! And I've been like this for a couple months now. But a couple month ago is when I found out about this and I don't think I'm mood swinging. I've been completely upset about this form the start.
He says he doesn't want to do this, but he can't stop. And one day he will be clean of this. But this whole time I haven't seen him. I'm pretty sure he's just been doing it still. When I saw him tonight I didn't even know him. I just felt like I was hanging out with some guy. Now someone I love. I felt like the family dog sitting around with my kids as some place.
He pawned my engagement ring. I don't even know what to say about that.
I told him that I wasn't going to be with him if he didn't stop. But I don't want him to go crazy and die because I left him. The restraining order court date is set for Wednesday. He doesn't want me to go. Even wants to ride with me that day.
But I've been told, once I get on with my life I'll leave myself open to other possibilities. I have to much to offer. I want to go back and get my masters.
What's really depressing is I asked him to get me a new tire and some oil for my POS car. He said as soon as he gets a job in a month or so. But if he needed dope he wouldn't hesitate to pawn something of his parents for it.
Sad thing was. After I left his house tonight. I was so happy my car tire blew out when I got off the highway by my house at 1am instead of on the highway. It's a 35 minute drive. At least with my two kids in the back I could make it on the flat tire to my apartment.
I really want to show up Wednesday and just go ahead on the restraining order and see what new adventures my life holds.
You know what really depressing. I must have been out of the loop for the last two years with my son and new baby. Because apparantly, in my town this is the in thing. Everyone is doing it.
People are starting to die from it.
My friend's husband. She got off work early and found him face down on the bed oding.
It's just really depressing...
Twilight, you have to get out. Hitting you is not acceptable. Laughing about it after is worse. If he "goes crazy and dies" it will not be your fault. He's doing the drugs anyway even while you are his girlfriend. It seems at this point he is not ready or wanting to change. He will pawn more things than your engagement ring. When and if he is seriously ready to change, you can be there for him then.
He's pawned way more than my ring.
Sine he stays with him mom, that I know of. He's pawned about 1,000.00 dollars worth of stuff in one month. And that's just the stuff he told me about.
I'm sure there's way more. But he keeps saying. It's not like I'm doing enough to die. You think I want to do this! I need help and your not helping me. (I just wonder if the people who die from this drug said that same thing before they died?) So I feel like if I love him I should help him because on one else cares. If left at his dysfunctional mom's house it's never going to get better. His mom and step dad don't like each other and his mom is a pill popper and a drunk. Couldn't even drive herself home from the bar at 7pm yesterday. It's like they just accept what he is doing since they are so messed up.
$1000,00 worth of stuff. And he can't help me with my tire. Basically told me to ask my dad.
He looked so sick yesterday. His spine is sticking out of his back. And his muscle shirts that usually are tight on him. Are hanging off him like a little kid.
He doesn't act like the person I know. I feel so cheated because when Rowan was born he was supper proud pappa. During my pregnancy he wouldn't leave my side. That was his baby. When I was supper tired and falling asleep after the baby was born, he was the one rocking him to sleep late at night.
He still acts as though he misses his son, but I can tell the normal antics of a 1 year old agitates him.
When I look at him there is nothing physically that I am attracted to. He looks so different. Even his eyes! They looks so wrong to me. And now I can't even hide it. Because when I show family and friends his pictures. The first thing he ask is what is he on? He looks sick.
But I still love him. Because for 3 years he wasn't this asshole. He was your normal asshole figuring out that having a girlfriend and a family is really what he wanted.
It almost feel like he forgot everything we set for the future for goals and now I'm left to deal with the mess. I feel so depressed because I let me kids and myself down.
I should be planning our wedding that was in less than a year. Not thinking thought that he's gonna die.
In terms of the restraining order. I keep thinking when I was with my family at the park yesterday I had more fun then I've had with him all year. Getting this order and checking back in one year seems ok. At least for my sanity.
Then I can focus on my start up business and my babies.
I feel like I gave him the chance to stop. I don't want to feel like I'm the other woman in my own relationship.
I really appreciate everyones words. I feel like they are the confidence I need right now to do the right thing.
I've really not talked to anyone about this and when I talk to him everything I think is right gets misconstrued and I second guess everything I am thinking.
I've only recently let my parents in on what is happening.
They aren't mad. They just say that this is what happens when people find that drug.
I guess they have friends that went threw this and know that it can only end one of two ways and I can't change what is going to happen.
Please get the restraining order. Some nerve he has to laugh and joke about hitting you several times instead of once because the outcome would have been the same. You are the mother of his children, regardless the relationship he should not have hit you in the first place and the fact that he shows no remorse is disturbing.
My husband pawned mutiple items that were mine, his, ours, including his own wedding ring... talk about a stab in the heart. He is manipulating you and it's working. Just because he says he is using because you are being **********y, doesn't mean its true. I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth until he is clean and sober. If he truly wants help then he needs to check his a$$ into a rehab and get some clean time under his belt.
If he chooses to continue using then he is doing this TO himself, if he chooses treatment he has to do it FOR himself. I used to sit back and think, why doesn't my husband think me and his son are reason enough to stay clean? How could he want to get high instead of being with our family? It broke my heart but now i realize that it wasn't me, and regardless of my efforts to steer him in the right direction, it never ended the way I had hoped. It wasn't until he finally hit his bottom (for the last time I hope) and WANTED help that he is taking his recovery seriously now for the first time. The odds are against him but if he wants it badly enough, he will not risk his recovery for that high ever again.
As for your safety and sanity my advice would be to get the restraining order and let him travel this road alone. You made a comment about a 1 year old antics getting to him, what happens if you allow him back and he harms your little boy because he is jonsing for his next fix? You would never forgive yourself... Start your business, enjoy your babies, they are only that age once and start doing things for yourself that make you happy. You don't have to live this lifestyle, it is your choice to stick around but for those babies sake, I would get out before things get any worse, and if he keeps on this road, they will get MUCH worse.
"I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it."
Twilight, I can't agree with Lost more. When he tells you he's doing it because you arent helping him, that is a load of BS. He's doing it because he wants to, and you, your baby or noone will stop him until he's ready and he certainly doesn't sound ready now. You need to think about your baby and yourself. Nothing good can come of things with him right now. And the hitting part, that's the last straw. If he hit you once, he will continue to do it. Men don't stop abusing unless they get serious help. And you don't deserve it and certaijnly, your child doesn't deserve to be in that environment. Get the Order, hope he hits his bottom and straightens out, but either way, the great guy you remember isn't there any more. He's been replaced by an abusing junkie. Sorry to be so hard but I'm telling the truth.
I found this on another forum and thought of you.
My goodby letter to addicts
This is a goodbye letter to addicts. I have to leave you and your sad pretense to what is important. I wish I could make you be a friend, but you do not have the tools of love that are needed to be my friend. The saddest day of my life is to know that I have loved so many whose only true love was their addiction. I tried, Oh God how I tried, to show addicts that my love is more important then the high of crack or whatever drug that is your love today. I was left standing in the rain of my own tears saying goodbye once again.
From today on until I go to meet my maker I will only share myself with people who have the capacity to share back, whole hearted sharing, not just the bit you gave to keep me waiting in line. Should you one day finally release your need to your higher power and become a person with the higher power calling the shots rather then the high, we will try again to become friends.
I choose to live life in the light of day, in the reality of what is truth, and the spirit of my God. Today is my day, today is my life, today I came to realize the futility of living to make another happy, or comfortable. I cannot and will not ever again live for another and forget to live myself.
Tomorrow will be handled when it arrives, for it is only a possibility, today is my reality, right now is my moment.
May Gods strength and faith lead you to his side and make you well, I am not strong enough to be that strength, and faith in me will not help in your recovery. We can be friends, we can have hope but, we can not have a relationship with addiction as a partner.
I do not over-love anymore that only damages me, and makes you feel worse then you already do so just know I care without judging or bitterness.
I choose my life without the darkness and without the fears I once knew.
Gods blessing on all people wherever you are and under which cloud you sleep.
Gods Blessings for this day.
"I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it."
wow, that is very well written. chills. Nice post
I really like that letter... It's everything I've been thinking.