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My boyfriend is an heroin addict..
My boyfriend is an heroin addict..
Ok so I really don't know where to start. I just really need to talk about this and get some advice. First of all we have been together for a year now. Things started out so great. He has always been so kind and just very good to me. I started seeing a change in his behavior but seeing that i do not use drugs nor did I know anything about the drug I had no clue what was going on. Then back in December I get a call from his mother saying that he is blue in the face and not breathing..So I rush to the hospital only to find out that he had overdosed on heroin and xanax..It took everything I had not to get up and walk out of the room part of me wanted to and the other part of me needed to stay to make sure he was ok. It was so shocking to see him in this state. Not the man that I fell in love with..Well He was then put in ICU and I never left his side. When he came to he said that he was sorry for keeping this from me. And that he really wanted to get help. So I stayed. We had an appointment 3 days before christmas so he could get on suboxone sp? He went and I was glad he did and i really thought that he was going to do it..Since then he has relapsed..He has never lied to me about it nor has he ever been hateful to me in anyway or stolen anything from me at all..I just dont know what to do..I know i should walk away but how do you walk away from someone you love? I know that he is only going to get help when he wants to and nothing i can do can help him change his mind but i feel that I can't really sit and watch him kill himself but in the same had I feel that if i walk away now and something happens to him I will never be able to live with that on my mind..I love him so much and this is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with..I have only seen him "high" once and it scared me so bad..He snorts the stuff and says that its better then shooting up?? All this is new to me and i just don't know what to do if anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated..Im feeling a little helpless here. Is there any kind of hope for our relationship???
Last edited by ali1312; 02-12-2009 at 05:01 AM.
Not unless he quits, then even if he does the chances are too great that he'll relapse. If you want to help him, this is his test, how much he loves you, leave him, he then has the ultimatum to go on Suboxone or quit by another way, choose you or Miss Heroin, but expect him to choose H. It's a sad fact, but heroin addicts usually choose drugs over love.
Your first inclination was correct, you should leave, listen to your head- not your heart, you know what you should do, and it's not wrong either morally or ethically. You can't save him, only he can do that.
Your emotions are really clouding your better judgment, girl you need to get a grip on that, saying "I will never be able to live with that on my mind", like you're going to be to blame for what he does, you can't save him. Run, and don't look back, you're setting yourself up for a life of misery.
He can rationalize it all he wants, snorting or shooting, it doesn't matter which is better, he's doing heroin damnit.
You deserve better.
Well to start certainly snorting heroin is better than IV use! That said, rarely will you stop breathing from snorting. If he relapses on the sub, best to just start all over. Lots of people have a relapse occasion and then feel so bad about it they drop rehab. If you fall off the horse, just get back on! It's like smoking, you have to never quit quitting! You have to be honest and explain this is NOT the life you signed up for. Push for more rehab, with your support and love he can do it!
Thanks for taking the time to reply. Everything that you guys are saying makes a lot of sense to me. It's easy to think that way cause I do and always have but now that im put in the situation its really hard..I have talked to recovering addicts in my area and some tell me to leave others tell me to stay that there can be help if he wants it..It's like he does so good for some time and then just falls off the wagon..It's getting old..He just recently quit his job giving me the reason that if he has no money to buy "dope" then he wont be able to do it..right now im just keeping my distance from him and seeing how things pan out..In the past week ive seen him once and he was on the suboxone. We had a long heart to heart and the sad part is he knows what he needs to do..and he says that he wants it and im trying hard to understand what hes going thru because its easy for me to say just quit..But ive never been an addict..As far as him snorting it yes it does not justify a thing it is still equaly wrong the only reason I mentioned that is because that is what he told me and I was just curious if that was true about it not being as bad as shooting up..Thanks for all your feedback..
He may not be stealing from you yet, but he will. If he continues down this road he will become a liar, a thief, a cheat. He will progressively get worse, he won't be able to afford what it takes to feel the way he wants to feel, there will never be enough. Cats is right, his test should be to get and stay clean on his own, for himself. It's all about him right now whether you see it or not. By standing idle by you are watching him kill himself.
Just a little background on me, i'm 25, married to my hs sweetheart, he is addicted to opiates and currently in a 6 month residential program ordered by the courts because he was busted buying roxy's with my then 10 month old son in the back seat. I tried to support him in his recovery, he went cold turkey, totally detoxed, relapsed several times, attended NA meetings everyday etc. But since this was something that was forced upon him, by me, (either get help or get out) he kept relapsing because he doesn't want to be clean. He stole from me and my family, pawned some of our most precious jewlery, the list just goes on and on.
This disease grabs ahold of the addict quick and all their impulse control goes out the window, they live each day to get their next fix. You cannot change that, he has to want to change it and most don't until they've reached their "bottom". Everyone's bottom varies, obvisouly a potentially deadly overdose wasn't close enough to the bottom for him so what is it going to take for him to see he is killing himself? Major consequences. Maybe jail, rehab, losing what is most precious to him or what once was more important to him, you, family, his job, house, and the very bottom would be death.
My husband lost everything, we lost our home, I am currently living with my father. He lost his job, his wife, his son, EVERYTHING and I still don't know if this is enough to make him hcange. He is gone for 6 months, I threw him out a week before he was sentenced to this program and he spent that week high as a kite, didn't come see our son once except for the day before he went court. He spent a week in jail before they transferred him to rehab and now, I sleep easy knowing he is safe.
I had the same feelings of "what if let him go and something terrible happens, I will always blame myself". I've since turned that type of thinking into, well I have never been able to control his using when he lived with me so why would it be my fault if something happened while he wasn't living with me? Always remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Below is a poem I post alot, I pulled it from another forum and I read it daily for a while, now I just glance at it when I feel like I am trying to control the situation and I need a reminder that I am only hindering his recovery with my efforts.
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it. Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar. ---Passion
Search deep within your self and ask do you want to travel this road with him only to prolong his drug use that could ultimately end in his demise any way, or do you want to give him the opportunity to reach his bottom so he can work his way up if he so chooses. It's a difficult choice to make but I promise you if I knew then what I know now, I could have saved myself many days and nights of fighting a battle that wasn't mine to fight and certainly not one I could win. Please keep us posted, good luck!
Wow I have been going reading your posts and it really puts a lot of things into perspective. Im sorry you have went through all this..You really are a strong person. I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for you and your son. The poem really hit home and had me crying like a baby...Thanks for your input!!
Anytime I can share my experience to possibly shed some perspective on a situation someone else is going through I am happy to do so. Being the loved one of an addict definitely takes a toll on ones mind body and soul. We have to separate ourselves from their madness in order to keep sanity in our life. The hardest part is realizing we have no control, as much as we want to help and make this all go away, it's impossible for us to do. I'm here daily if you'd like to chat. You can also email me personally if you'd like by clicking my screen name. Good luck to you!
He should try methadone as suboxone (buprenorphene) doesn't usually workwell for heroin addicts. If he has only been doing heroin for a couple years then I would try the suboxone and councilling again. If he is a daily chronic heroin addict ( daily use 3-5 years minimum) then he would likely have a better chance on methadone....Good luck... Dave
I stumbled across this site whilst looking for some help fo myself after my boyfriend relapsed this week for the 3rd time in 11 months. He's been a heroin addict for 16 years. He just turned 31, so for over half of his life he's been on drugs. The maximum amount of clean time under his belt is 18 months, that's a tiny proportion compared to his "using time"
Any way to cut a long story short. That poem has brought me to tears and most of all made me smile because it has brought some clarity to my situation. I have been grappling with every emotion under the sun trying to work out how to go about things, how to help etc. But I now realise that it's the other way around. He has to go through the emotions, he has to help himself, he has to make the choices, he has to get clean and he is the only person to choose whether he wants to live or die! the latter may sound harsh but it's the reality.
So all I can say is thank you for that poem
OMG I am going through the same exact thing right now Im in tears reading this I would love to talk to you more about your (our) situation First off let me stop being rude and introduce myself my nickname is twink and let me also say that I hope things are better for you and your man and that both of your all are in good health If you have any pointers in staying strong threw all of it and any pointers on how to get help because I and stressed need help have no one to talk to because people judge
mpvt im curious
i am a long time injector of opiates, and also methadone. why do you think that subs wouldnt work for them people, it seems to be working mighty fine for me, ive been on it for 8 weeks and i have had no urges to go have a fix.
just wondering why you think that.
Lost, I am NOT the wife of an addict and yet your post was so meaninful, thought provoking, eqoquent and real.... Wow.... I can put in my 2 cents from the addicts point of view. None of your boyfriends/husbands will ever stop for love. I'm sorry to tell you that. I started shooting heroin at 16 years old. I came from a good home, had loving parents. I put them through hell and back. The pull of the needle and the feeling was stronger than love. I married and continued using... I am ashamed to say, I had kids and still used. It wasnt until I reached my personal bottom that I was ready to stop. And even then I needed methadone maintenance to do it. I don't say that's the answer for everyone but at hte time, it was for me. I had been in an 18 month residential treatment program and lef the program and still used after that. (Daytop Village, in the early 70s - dont think they even have 18 month programs any more)... You need to live for yourself and your children... You need to let them work it out or not on their own. My parents were the biggest enablers in the world. The didn't know any better and they did it for love. But I just kept using, stealing, lying, hurting others. You have to face reality. They have to ask for help, want the help and accept the help. All the love in the world won't do the trick...
First off, I think its wrong for people have said some of the things they have in this thread... Not every addict steals from people they love. I have been a heroin addict off and on dor 10 years and have never stolen a single thing! Also, running and never looking back is not your only or best option. Every addict struggles with relapse... If he is trying, you see that he is trying, and you really love him then stand by him and support him the best you can. I am struggling with relapse as of right now and if it werent for my girl standing by me, encouraging me, and doing her best to help me along the way I really have no idea how things would be. I do know they would be worse though. I wont lie, all those bad things could happen but its very far from being set in stone. Do your best to determine what you can deal with and stand by your decision. This is going to be vey hard on you both but i can promise he needs you very much, and your relationship will be stronger for it if you guys make it through this...
Stang, I did not say run and don't look back. I said look out for YOURSELF and your children first. You can be there for the addict if and when they finally see the light. The fact that you have never stolen anything is not the norm. Most heroin addicts will steal and lie and cheat and thats a fact. I was an addict.... And a heroin addiction is not cheap. But even if an addict husband/wife is not actively stealing, they are surely spending money on heroin that could go to better use for the family so in a way even that is stealing. The main thing is, you can be there in the end but being codependent, enabling an addict, and ultimately, letting yourself be brought down with an addict, is not the smartest thing to do. Giving an addict an ultimatum to get straight or leave makes alot more sense to me. And again, I was an addict. I'm talking about what should have been done even with me.
You are right about being codependant. Thats not where anyone should put themself. I am sorry, i didnt read what you wrote in that post and take that message from it. I still dont think that anyone should be judged by other peoples actions though. Like i said, not every addict is a theif, a lier, and general scumbag... I know that those are the "norm" but that doesnt mean everyone. I think a person should be judged by their actions not anyone elses. If he were to do something along those lines than chances are that it would continue and probably get worse but she said that there were no signs of that... In my previous post i stated that she should decide now what is acceptable and that she should draw a line and stick to it. I personallu think that is the best route to take. And i just want you to know im not trying to argue or be mean its just my point of view. Everyone has gone through different experiences and thinks differently. Hope im not upsetting anyone...
Stang, I agree with what you are saying. Though all addicts have the same disease, they don't all have the same exact symptoms or go about "treating their disease" in the same ways.
Thank you. Im glad im not the only one that sees that. I know alot of heroin addicts. There are definitely a large amount that do lie, cheat, and steal. On the other hand there are still plenty of them that do not. I know many addicts that are totally functioning. They work for the things they have. They dont steal anything. If the guy had a track record of doing shady things then i would agree with running and all that but he hasnt done anything besides make a bad decision and in turn is now an addict. I dont think that alone should be reason enough to throw the guy to the wolves...
Again, I don't think anyone should throw anyone to the wolves either. And I agree with Klopper that everyone is different but if someone is continuing to make and remake that bad decision the best thing you can do not only for yourself but for that person as well is to give them an ultimatum. You can still love the person and be there when the person decides to get help, but just sticking with someone while they continue using only enables them to keep it up and gives them little motivation to stop. And really, if a lie is the only thing standing between an addict and his dose of heroin, the lie will be told. Just saying..
You are right. A person shouldnt stick with a person if that person isnt showing that they have the will to put an end to their addiction. In my very first post in this thread i said that if he wants to quit, she sees that he is trying, and if she loves him than she should stay and support him the best she can. If those things arent in place than there is no point
if my other half messed up as long as they were trying or looking for a way.
I would never leave them not even if they had chronic pain and had to stay on something,,,,the is always a way to mannage....but if they don't want to try and just don't care about you,you might have to think about what is best for you
ok my 2 cents
actually stan i agree with you.
i did some shady things, mostly to myself. but i worked hard and paid for every bit of methadone, or morphine or whatever i was using at the time. unfortunately tho, it was taking all of my cash, and other things suffered, my house, i kept up with the bills but i should have been able to save, and pay for repairs and all. i basically worked for my habit, oh i guess you could stay i stole poppies from peoples gardens to turn into opium for hitting.
i used to say i wasnt a burglar or anything coz i never robbed houses or people. only their gardens.
but i never stole stuff off people, oh i did steal some of my uncles methadone pills and some morphine pills. he died of cancer in february. sorry uncle.
i'm just so grateful for all of these helpful posts. i am going through the same thing with my boyfriend of 4 years. and i'm afraid he wont be strong enough to kick the habit alone.
The Drug Addict's Marriage Creed
Someone posted this years ago, I think it is appropriate to the discussion.
The Drug Addict's Marriage Creed
(She found him there on the floor,
his lifeless hand covering the poem....)
So now little man, you've grown tired of grass
L. S. D., goofballs, cocaine and hash,
And someone pretending to be a true friend
Said, "I'll introduce you to Miss Heroin."
Well, honey, before you start fooling with me
Just let me inform you of how it will be
For I will seduce you and make you my slave.
I've sent men much stronger than you to their graves.
You think you could never become a disgrace
And end up addicted to poppy seed waste.
So you'll start inhaling me one afternoon;
You'll take me into your arms very soon.
And once I have entered deep down in your veins
The craving will nearly drive you insane.
You'll need lots of money (as you have been told)
For, darling, I'm much more expensive than gold.
You'll swindle your mother; and just for a buck
You'll turn into something vile and corrupt.
You'll mug and you'll steal for my narcotic charm
And feel contentment when I'm in your arm.
The day when you realize the monster you've grown,
You'll solemnly promise to leave me alone
If you think that you've got the mystical knack,
Then, sweetie, just try getting me off of your back.
The vomit, the cramps, your gut tied in knots,
The jangling nerves screaming for just one more shot.
The chills and cold sweat, the withdrawal pains
Can only be saved by my little white grains.
There's no other way, and there's no need to look,
For deep down inside, you will know you are hooked.
You desperately run to the pusher and then
You'll welcome me back to your arm once again.
And when you return (just as I foretold)
I know you will give me your body and soul.
You'll give me your morals, your conscience, your heart,
And you will be mine until.......death do us part.
Hey, if you want you can call or text me at 8153750523.
My boyfriend is a heroin addict and now he is in prison for 9 years. His friend just recently wrote to me and told me he isnt planning on changing. I dont know what the hell to do! Maybe we can be eachothers shoulder if you like? My names Megan. I wish my boyfriend snorted it though, but he shot it up with a needle. I know quite alot about heroin crack etc and maybe when we get to know eachother ill send you a DVD and booklet on "The truth about Drugs" its got heroin and stuff in there and is really helpful. One time my boyfriend accidently dropped a plate of it on the floor, and he came in the room and he threw the plate at me and it broke and cut my hand. Ill never forget the pain i went thru being with him, and now i dont know if i should wait 4 - 9 years. Like, what did he leave me with you know?
Text/call at anytime. I'm always here, if your always there.
mmmm I am new at this just was informed by husband is possible using and I am scared to know the true but he hasnt worked in 3 weeks he took 40 bucks out of my bank on saturday and cant remeber what he did withit. Now I am putting everything together and it sucks i have no where to go and I have a new baby. Dont think he has been doing it but maybe 3 months but I am not sure. I want to help him we have been together almost 4 years now. I really just needed someone to talk to about this and get others imput. Please help!
When you said you've just been informed, who informed you that your husband is using.
Also, what did this person say he was using?
Why do you think that he's only been using for a few months (if he is)?
Need more details in order to help....
Originally Posted by thefool2011
There is ALWAYS hope
Originally Posted by ali1312
I am in the same situation although my I have been with my fiance for four years... it is a big risk supporting them through there journey. It is nice to hear I am not alone in the world.....
Originally Posted by Cats Meow
Have you ever been in her shoes????? Really, been in this situation, because if you havent its a lot easier said than done..... People need support and not judgement.... I would like to know your story to understand your advice!!
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