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I posted a while back about quitting Vicodin. I was clean for about a month and a half. Last week
I injured my neck and I thought I was strong
enough to take Vicodin for a valid injury.
I wasn't. I haven't gone crazy with it but I have taken it took much or the last week.
I feel lousy and like a failure.
I'm sorry I feel like I let all of you down and need to start again.
Please pray for me.
you know what you need to do!
You haven't let us down.
Lots of us have relapsed.
Live and learn.....
dust off and back at it.
It took me a couple of days to get the courage to post. Thanks for the encouragement. Back on the horse I go.
Hey, it happens. Forget about it, it's only been a week. Props for recognizing a bad situation and nipping it in the bud.
Just remember the first week or two after quitting before. No one wants to go through that again.
Glad you found the courage to post; I know how hard it is to 'fess up to a relapse.
I'm curious - and can't tell from your posts - have you stopped yet?
Generally, I suggest to anyone who has relapsed (and returned), that this is a rare opportunity to do it over - and do it better. As addiction is a disease, a relapse is an indication that we've become "sick" again. If we're to succeed this next time, we have to look at what we did or didn't do last time, that led to relapse.
"If you want different results, you need to do something different."
When you posted in the past, I made a suggestion on your thread - that you need to follow through with AA, NA or CR - to address the psychological, emotional and spiritual aspects of this disease. Just stopping the pills is NOT enough. There's much more to fighting this disease than just enduring the physical detox of the first week.
You have a disease that tells you that you don't have a disease. The mind games that go hand-in-hand with this disease are incredible. We justify and rationalize why it's "different" for us. But it isn't.
The 12 steps are the roadmap out of this cycle. You need help; this disease is too powerful for us to contend with it successfully alone.
By the way, I have also been plagued by chronic migraines for decades. Yes, the pain is absolutely horrific at times. What I have to do, since I deal with chronic pain, is to have a stronger program than most. I had absolutely thorough (18 months!) testing through the Graham Headache Clinic in Boston, to determine the causes and treatments for my headaches. I can manage them now by a number of other means than narcotics, but it took the effort to find what works. I simply do not view narcotics as an option - since my disease does NOT differentiate between "legitimate" drug use from just getting high.
ONE PILL (or one shot - or one drink) is ALL that it takes to trigger this disease into action. My recovery program from addiction also includes a recovery program from headaches and depression. These 3 areas of my life must be addressed altogether, as if ONE area takes ahold, the rest is sure to topple. It takes time, it takes effort, but it is possible.
And it is worth it. Remember how good clean felt???
Welcome back. Take the opporunity to learn from this relapse.
Thank you for responding. I stopped as of yesterday. I've accomplished a lot of things in life but this has been the most difficult thing I've dealt with. The mind games you mentioned are brutal. There are some similarities in our history in dealing w/ migraines and depression. I've worked really hard on the depression side of things and I have ups and downs for sure but I haven't as of this point put everything together in a comprehensive manner in dealing w/ addiction. I don't even like the word addiction. It makes me feel weak which I am but I hate to confess.
In the last 7-10 days while I was taking the Vicodin, I hated myself for doing it. Looking in the mirror was incredibly difficult because I knew it was wrong and I knew it would have to come to an end. I avoided reading this forum because I felt like a fraud.
I'm going to learn more about the 12 steps. I know you have been where I am and I'm trusting in the path others have walked before me.
Thank you for the encouraging words and advice.
Woke up this morning feeling ok. I really didn't go too deep the last week into using so the physical WD's are not really present just more of a mental craving at this point. I'm looking into setting up a better support structure so I'm not trying to tackle this alone.
That is the key T... It can happen, relapse... It happened to me more times than I can count... and the part of my recovery that WAS missing was a support group. i feel it would have shaved about a decade off of my use.. Yep 10 years.. So, do yourself a favor and get in one, whatever one you choose, they will teach you what you need in order to STAY CLEAN... That is key.
All my best, Reid
I dreamed last night that I broke my ankle and was at the emergency room for Vicodin. I woke up. Took a few deep breaths and thought about all the good things in life for which I'm grateful. I just kind of chuckled in the face of everything. The pull is so strong that it seeps down into your subconscious.
I read a post yesterday where someone was asking honestly why should they quit considering how good the pills made them feel.
I think of it like the ocean. It's deceptive. Strong. You can be lured easily into going too far ending up in waters too deep to navigate. Almost drown a few times and you learn it's better if you stay out of the water no matter how inviting. One pill, one toe in, and I'm over my head in no time.
Last edited by tf1; 08-28-2012 at 10:05 AM.
Today is day 10 of starting over. I feel good. Been going to church a few times a week, doing a lot of self-examination, and making peace with myself. The conclusion I've come to is using Vicodin is just a manifestation of the deeper issues I've ignored for a while. Honesty feels good.
Man I relapesed too I was doing so well. I know its so hard to admit a relapse on here but no one can help if they don't know the truth about what is going on. I guess this is addiction if we didn't crave drugs we wouldn't be addicts and wouldn't need a place like this. Don't be too hard on yourself, I'm trying the same too. But,also we have to do something different so it doesn't happen again I suppose. I don't like meetings but I went last night, I got to talk about what happened and it helped. I was down to .5 of suboxone and relapsed now I'm back to 1mg so I feel you.
I totally feel ya. Been there done that and I don't know how I would have gotten thru that period in my life w/o God. Clean 10 months now and never goin back. Keep up the strength I know you have in you.
Originally Posted by tf1
And remember this old but great poem Joe
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."
The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you
Please don't think that I minimizing your situation, I'm not. Perhaps you have heard the quote: "If at first you don't succeed, try,try,again,and again,and"................whatever it takes, however long it takes. You have not failed as long as long as you are in the process of trying............it's a process, you're not done yet, keep trying you will succeed. It's important that you don't beat yourself up. You're not the first to have encountered a minor detour, that's life. When we are are dealing with our short comings, problems, anything we are trying to overcome, abstain from, we must be careful about our inner dialogue, thoughts are powerful, they can make us or break us. Remember the song: Ain't nothing going to break my stride.........You can do this! CHIN UP.......take a breath........take another breath, blow it out, blow out all doubt. SMILE! Believe in God? Believe also in the work that He can do through you, thus, believe in YOU! You must find an alternative approach for your pain, plain and simple. Contact a health food store, your doctor, search the enter net for safe alternatives, discuss it with someone you trust. Learn to counter/redirect those disruptive thoughts. You can use prayer, quotes, words from a song, be creative. You are obviously intelligent and your intentions are good. Remember, you have not failed! You're still a work in progress.
Originally Posted by tf1
Yesterday was two weeks. Feels good to put two weeks behind me. I know it's not a lot but it's something.
I turned down a job offer that was really good but it was at the same company where I really started to rely on the pills to cope. I thought a lot about the offer and almost accepted it. I had this moment of clarity when I realized that represented everything I was trying to put behind me and going back was a step in the wrong direction. I know I can't avoid stress but somethings you just have to turn the corner on.
I had a few situations this week where I for sure would have swallowed a few pills to enhance the social activity. I tried to step out of myself and observe everything for what it was with a sound mind. It was nice and pleasant. I woke up this morning with no regret and I felt empowered.
I've had a few arguments with my wife lately. She's been very caring and patient. But sometimes, I just feel like you don't understand the pull until you've been overwhelmed by it. There are some days where I'm just doing what I can to not think about it. I go to sleep and dream about finding pills in random places. It's just there. Hanging around in the background. It's ok. I just think of it as a scar to remind me.
Today was difficult but I was strong.
Originally Posted by tf1
I've started a couple of posts to this thread, but for one crazy reason or another, never got them posted. Anyway, just wanted to drop you a note to see how things are going for you.
I get the feeling that you're trying to "tough this out" alone, and it's going to be a real struggle that way. No one WANTS to admit they're an addict. And no one WANTS to attend a 12-step meeting. But what most of us find is that we can't handle this deal solo. It isn't a matter of sheer willpower; it's so much more. Above all, it's developing the tools to cope with the frustrations (and good times) of life, without craving a pill.
Drug addiction truly is a disease; it's been recognized by the A.M.A. as a disease for decades. Sure, there's a social stigma by many, but more and more people are learning that this disease can grab ahold of anyone - rich, poor, educated, ignorant - it doesn't discriminate. (As they say, "From Yale to jail") There is no shame in having this disease; we were born with the seeds of it, without ever knowing it. What matters is that we take responsibility for our recovery from it.
There comes a time that no amount of "strength" or "willpower" will do it for us. This disease is far more insidious, powerful and complex than we can overcome by sheer mind-control alone. A lot of folks insist on trying to do it on their own, and ultimately fail. Then they try again - and again - before they come to realize they need help from a 12-step program. The trouble is, this disease is always progressive, so each relapse tends to create a bigger problem than the past; and there is always the risk that we can't make it back.
Regardless, I hope you are able to stay in recovery, and wish you nothing but success. Hope you'll keep us posted.
Originally Posted by ARTIST658
Hey thanks for checking in. I've been going to church a few times a week. It's probably not a substitute but it's what I'm doing. I don't mean that in a defiant way - I just feel the connection there and it's helping. The actual part of using hasn't been the hard part to quit or deal with. Dealing with "why" I used is the hard part. The drug was how I buried the negative feelings, emotions, anxiety, xyz... I'm dealing with the "why" one day at a time. No easy way out.