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Loving a >>>>>> addict destroyed me.
Loving a >>>>>> addict destroyed me.
This is a long story, sorry. I just want to get it out, maybe if anyone is willing to read the WoT, I'd like some encouraging words...
I was with a >>>>>> addict for a little over a year. I knew him before he ever did that awful ********, I'd known him for 4 years before we got together, but even when I met him he was doing coke and drinking and any number of drugs he could get his hands on I'm sure. There are crazy sides to him because of the drugs that I never had to see because because by the time we got together and actually started to hang out he was already on downers and didn't drink anymore and was a lot more mellowed out.
When we got together I knew he had been taking vicodin... and a lot of it. But I didn't know anything about opiates then. Now I know more than I ever, ever wanted to know. But what I didn't know is that he was already snorting >>>>>>. I didn't know he was already addicted. I didn't know that the first intimate nights we spent alone together were with him high as a ********ing kite. Ignorance was bliss.
And then the day after the first time we had sex he didn't contact me at all. He was even on a messenger all day, so he obviously managed to get up and get on the computer, but took no time to say anything to me. He later apologized, calling it a "sick day." If I had any idea the weight that that carried then... I would have run, and run fast. But I forgave him, because I love him.
And then he didn't show up for my birthday... too busy getting high with his friend I suppose. Sure, he came, an hour after my birthday was over. Better late than never, I supposed.
Then then I stopped hearing from him at all for days, weeks at a time. One day I found out there was going to be this awesome concert, and I wanted so badly to go with him. So I texted him, we got it all planned out. But of course he had to bring his best buddy. His piece of trash friend whose brother and he introduced my boyfriend to Lady H. And he had to bring the dope. He wasn't going to be sick for the concert. It made me sick. It hurt me. It made me angry. But I wanted to be with him. I wanted to go. I wanted him to have fun with me. So after copious amounts of arguing and struggling with myself over this, I let him do it. He said if I just let him bring a "rig" he could just bring a little bit and be good all day. After finding out what I "rig" was, I told him that if he brought a needle anywhere near that concert he could stay home. But he just brought his dope. Snorted his ******** for the concert with his friend in the car while i sat in the driver's seat pretending to be asleep and trying my hardest not to cry or throw up.
And then after we got back from the concert I didn't hear from him again for 3 months. I cried, I agonized, I wondered, I worried, I got pissed. But then, one day out of the blue he texts me, asking me if I would come and hold him. And I, once again, forgave and rushed to his side. His best buddy who he had been living with had thrown him out and his little world was shattered, no friends, no dope, no money. And he cried, and I held him, and I would have given anything to help him. And give I did. I gave, and gave, and gave...and gave.
I found out he was now injecting daily. I can't describe the anguish and hurt I felt after I begged and pleaded with him to never start doing that at least. That one thing. But I suppose it becomes a necessity when your habit becomes that big. Saves money, so you can go and do some ********ing more. Good for you.
And then he told me that he had to get help soon or he was going to kill himself. And so I got him help. I got him into a suboxone treatment program. I spent $300 of my money and borrowed $200 from a close friend to do this. And we went, and we came home after he got his first dose. It wasn't the miracle drug he had been hoping for. He could still feel the pain, and he was going to commit suicide if he couldn't get high which of course he couldn't just then, because he had taken suboxone. But he went and got a oxy to shoot up anyway, but he couldn't feel a thing. He asked me to please leave because he didn't have much time before his parents came home. And so after sitting there sobbing and begging him not to do this, I left his house and sat in my car in the driveway and sobbed and shook and screamed. And then I heard a loud noise and I was horrified and ran back into the house, and he came up the stairs to meet me and held me and told me he couldn't do it with me there crying. And then he went upstairs and tried to overdose on his suboxone instead.
And when that didn't work he wanted me to give him money to go buy enough dope to overdose with, but I technically had no money left in my account. But the check hadn't been cashed yet. I still had $300 in the account "technically." So I gave him that. But after sleeping over it for a night he had calmed down. I suppose because he was no longer crazy and desperate with withdrawal. That was the first day I had watched him shoot up. I was sick. He was happy he had someone he could do it in front of and not hide it.
And things only got worse from there. His parents found out, they offered to reimburse me for the $500, and my boyfriend begged me to let him have some of it. Even though my account was now overdrawn and I was getting deeper in the hole everyday because I didn't have the money all at once to cover the deficit. Not that he cared. But I love him. So I split it $250 with him. But that was gone in days.
And then his parents kicked him out. So... I offered to let him stay with me. But I was living in family's house and I would have to keep him a secret and he could have to sneak in and out. But, hey, to our credit, we managed it for 6 months. We couldn't pay for his habit with his weekly paycheck from a minimum wage part-time job. We couldn't pay it with my bi-weekly ********ty part-time job minimum wage paycheck. And so I stole from my family. To feed his habit. To keep him alive. To keep him well. To keep him with me. Because I love him. And I needed him.
And then, one day, from all the stress, and all the pain, and all the anguish and agony and distress, I chipped off some of his >>>>>>. And I snorted it myself. And, you know, it didn't really even feel good. I just felt sick. Really sick. But something compelled me to do this. I wanted to have the same relief he had. I wanted to feel good again from all the misery life with him was putting me through. I wanted an escape, he had one, I had nothing but the painful reality of how awful my life had become. I was failing out of college, I never hung out with friends anymore, I owed my best friend money I couldn't repay her, I stole from my family on a daily basis. All for him. Because I love him. I was right up there as a top contender for world's worst enabler. And then, like that, I became a user.
But it never did for me what it did for him. I always, always got violently sick everytime I did it. But nobody ever knew. That still surprises me. I didn't use daily, just here and there, I don't know why, then or now. I suppose it did something for me, but the consequences were not worth the benefits. But I did it anyway, and I suppose that's just the addictive nature of the drug, and my desperate need for something to cope with this situation I had gotten myself into.
And then my family found the drugs, the needles, the spoons. I told them it was all him. And we got into a huge fight and I left. And me and my boyfriend went to go live with his family. And things were essentially the same there as they were at my house. Struggling daily to find enough money to keep him well. Me, chipping off his stash now and then, but more and more frequently. I never did more than a $20 bag at a time, and even that was too much for me, and few and far between.
I lost so much while with him. I sold my PS3 my parents had gotten me. I pawned my flatscreen computer monitor, I eventually even pawned my laptop my parents got me for Christmas. They still don't know. He got a tv and a PS3 for Christmas... he pawned those not a month after getting them. After calling them "ours" and being so "proud" that he finally had something nice for us. He pawned the PS3 without even telling me. I was sick.
And then, while doing so backbreaking manual labor to earn some money to get some dope, managed to split his pelvis. He could barely move and not without massive pain, he certainly couldn't work. I lost my lob, so I had no money. And so he had to quit using. He just didn't have any way to get it. But his parents, they gave us some money to get some benzos so he could sleep through it. And he made 3 days clean, and then 4, and then 5... and then as soon as he could get away with it he went right back to using.
He always told me, I'm going to stop, I'm going to ween my habit down, I won't use forever, when we get our own house I'm going to grow poppies and make it myself and we won't have to buy hardly any. But none of that would ever come to pass. I wanted to believe in him so bad. I wanted a life with him. I wanted to make him happy. But he was and is far too broken for me to ever fix. It's a slow and painful process coming to the realization that I can't do anything for him, and what I had been doing for him wasn't going to help him stop or get any better. Loving him wouldn't ever make him better. ONly he had the power to do any of that.
And one day... I just had enough. Enough of his using, enough of the daily struggle, enough of the screaming matches between him and his mother, enough feeling hopeless and helpless, enough drug use, enough sickness, just enough. And I wrote him a long love letter, telling him that he was going to have to be the one to make the choice to fight his demons and stay alive, and that if he wanted to be in my future, he'd have to find his own way, because I couldn't go back to that life anymore.
And I left. I went 800 miles away to live with my parents and join the airforce. And he called me, and he sobbed, and he pleaded with me to come back, and I just couldn't and can't do it. But I did plan on coming back, at least while I waited to get shipped out to the airforce. Because I love him, and I want to see him again. But the longer I am here, I see things clearer and clearer. I do love him, but I love the him that I knew, the him that I see underneath the junkie. I do not love the junkie. I don't love the shell in front of me. I don't love the things he has put me in the situation to do, though in the end the things I did were ultimately my choice. I love who he should have been, who he was. He isn't that boy anymore and I can't bring him back.
This had been my life's hardest lesson. Anything after this will be a cake-walk. I still love him, but I have to do this for myself. I've lost too much, and I want to gain some of it back, and I can't do it with him around. It feels cruel and unfair, but it feels necessary.
Sorry it was so long... I just needed to get that off my chest.
That's not an easy thing to do but ultimately you know you did the right thing. Taking control of the things you have control over and realizing that is not the lifestyle you want to live. Refusing to watch him kill himself. The more consequences he suffers the closer he will get to his bottom, hopefully before it's too late. You did the right thing. Things will start to get easier, it will take some time, but the sun will rise in the morning and a new day will start. Focus on making a healthy productive life for yourself. It takes a lot of courage to do what you did, but it was necessary and one of the best things you could have done for both you and him.
"I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it."
Loving an addict is the hardest thing you will ever do. The addict in my life is my daughter. I am the mother that was robbed of pretty much everything. It is a terrible feeling, a terrible life - if you can even call it that. I am very proud that you got out and am staying out. A very valuable lesson has been learned. I understand when you say you wanted his out therefore you used. I have stared at the needles found in my house and just wondered why? It has entered my mind to try the stuff to "see what it feels like", that was just the devil trying to destroy another life with drugs. I understand the loving of the "real" person, the one we knew before drugs, the one we want to believe is still in there. The bottom line is they are addicts and when they are using they are not the person we love, they will lie, cheat, steal, etc. Never trust a person who uses drugs.
Also, the title should be changed to "loving an addict ALMOST destroyed me". You have been saved.
Good luck in your new life, make it special! God bless you.
It's nice to hear that I did the right thing from someone who's been through it. My parents say that, my friends say that, but they haven't been through it. They don't know how hard it is for me. They just see what's happened to me and hate him for it, they don't know the love I have for him, and the happiness he brought me despite the pain he put me through, so they don't know how infinitely hard it was to make that decision. My body was on autopilot the day I left. I didn't want to go, my heart screamed at me, my chest hurt because my heart ached so bad, but my body kept me going through the motions of doing what I needed to do. It's also nice not to be judged by somebody who knows everything I did. No one knows I ever did >>>>>> and if they asked I would still deny it because they will judge and they will not see me the same, even though I feel it should make them even prouder of me. Just, thank you.
Originally Posted by Lost83
Again, it's nice to hear that someone is proud of me. I'm not proud of myself, I don't see it as something to be proud of, just something that had to be done, just something that there was no other way to get around. Though I'm not ashamed of myself, I don't like what I've done, but I want to like myself again. I want to be happy again.
Originally Posted by kathleen5hockey
I'm so sorry that you had things dear to you stolen. I never stole items from my family, I could never bear to take precious memories away from them, but I did steal several thousand dollars cash over the course of time and I'm sick for it. My boyfriend never directly stole anything from me, personally, but he pawned thousands of dollars worth of things from his family, and I was made to feel guilty if I didn't give him whatever money I had available, he asked me to pawn things that were mine, instead of stealing them, and I gave in because love made me weak, I figured that I love him more than I love my things, but that doesn't make it right.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who felt the compulsion to use. At least you didn't. I don't know why I did, I mean, I understand the reasons I did, but in the end, I don't really have an answer as to why I used the thing I hated most for destroying our chance at a future together. Especially when it never made me even feel good. I got so sick so many times, but I just felt compelled to to it again, then again. It got to the point where even on days where I told myself, no, I'm not going to do any today, I'd find a way to do it (it was so easy) and I'd just do it, without thinking about it or feeling bad about it. It was just something I did. Again, I suppose that was just the addictive nature of the drug and also my way of going on autopilot to find a way to cope with the situation without breaking down. It's a very strange feeling to not be in control. I am glad that once I got out of the situation and had no way to get a the drug, I didn't miss it at all. I had a very, very mild withdrawal from it, but that was it.
I still feel as though the person I was before all this is gone and has been shattered to pieces. But the pieces are still there and I hope to form them into something better. I am destroyed, but I can make myself better, faster, stronger. I have the technology.
Or something like that.
We all make mistakes, I was no prude as a teenager, I did experiment and with my now hubby. We watched one of my closest friends lose her battle with addiction and I thought for sure after that we would be on the straight and narrow. THen WHAM, hubby is addicted to opiates. What a stab in the heart.
Anywho, you should be proud of yourself even though I know you feel like you've abandoned the man you love. You did the right thing, I assure you. You cannot control him; he was controlling you and manipulating you. He is not going to do anything without you being there that he wouldn't have done with you there.
Yes, you are right, you made the choices to do the things you did to feed his addiction and for that I understand your shame. That will pass, focus on the future. I know it's not easy, and that pit in your stomach feels like it will never go away, but it will. As you become more and more productive in your future you will see that. The less you have to deal with the antics of an active addict the more you will question why you did it for so long in the first place. Not to down play the love you have for him, I am sure you love him very much but the fact is, you left because you know this is not a healthy relationship. Keep working towards your future and just keep him in your prayers that he will reach his bottom sooner than later.
"I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it."
Genericbreed, i thank you for sharing your story. God knows i have seen so many of my using buddies do the same thing to their girlfriends, and i ultimately did similar to my wife, altho she never knew it until i told her i was going to rehab. she was destroyed, as i had been living the lie, and the life of a junky for years. ultimately he will need to find his own way, and have to hit his own rock bottom. even then he may not decide to change, but the results are always the same. you just can't live the life and not suffer the consequences. i commend you on getting out. you will live such a better life without the agony of being with an addict, or being an addict yourself. the world is full of good things, and choices. you will find the happiness you deserve, just keep moving forward.
all the will. we can't save everyone, but we can save ourselves. i am proud of you.
What a touching, heartfelt post. I can read the anguish in your words. You put up the good fight, you really did, Honey, but there's only so much one can do. This story was especially bothersome to me, as I imagine my ex-wife felt much the same you did. I promised again and again I would quit, and well, now I refer to her as my ex-wife for a reason. You cannot beat yourself up.
But most importantly, and I am speaking for your boyfriend, because I WAS your boyfriend, you can't change someone who doesn't want to be changed. That's all there is to it. You did the only thing you could do, which is remove yourself from the situation. My heart goes out to you, it took quite alot of courage for you to write this. For what it's worth from a complete, faceless stranger, my opinion of you is exceptionally high. Take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up. He's an adult and he made his choice, as did you. Only difference is you made the RIGHT choice.
You're right, the abandonment issue is definitely there, and is one of the things that bothers me most. So many people in his life have abandoned him, through no fault of his own. He has a ********** for a mother, a drug addict father, a physically abusive stepfather, he was molested as a child, he spent some of his teenage years homeless. There are just so many things wrong in his life, he's gone through so much more than he or anyone ever deserves to go through, so I always understood WHY he used, I just never understood why he couldn't stop to be with me. I don't think I ever will. I know the love I got from him was way waaaay better than any feeling I ever got from H. I guess the same wasn't true for him though. But I never wanted to abandon him... I never wanted to be just another person who walked out of his life. But I either had to leave or lose myself and my life.
Originally Posted by Lost83
As far as him not doing anything he wouldn't do while I was with him now that I'm not with him... I do believe that he's going to kill himself. I don't know that he has the strength. Not only is his emotional development completely halted since he started using >>>>>>, he was never very well adjusted to begin with because of his childhood, and I just don't believe he has the emotional strength it requires to get well and get clean. He told me many times that I was the only reason he was alive, and I believe that.
I've already mourned for him. I spent the first two weeks here in constant mourning. I'm sure that once I find out he his really dead I'll mourn again, but I pretty much knew the day I left that I was probably saying my goodbyes for good. I'd like to have faith that we can make, that he can survive this. But my faith in him has been shattered over and over by his own hand. I have none left, it only leads to devastation.
Originally Posted by RubyDean
Thank you... can I ask both of you, since you both seem to have some experience in the situation from my boyfriend's perspective... I'm not saying you did this, but if you did, I'd just like some insight... when you lie and say you're going to get better, why do you say it if you don't believe it? And when you manipulate the person you're supposed to love to get money for your habit, how conscious are you that what you're doing is, in fact, manipulation and are you aware of how much you're hurting her? My boyfriend always said I didn't HAVE to give him the money, but if I ever refused, he always got depressed, and obviously the alternative was watching him be sick until he could use again, so how can you say no?
Originally Posted by Opee
Why is the high more important than the person who loves you more than anything?
This is a great realization and you are very wise, you can NOT fix what in his mind is NOT broken. You would always be second to the addiction, ALWAYS!!!
And smart you are for not having children in this relationship.
And trust me, there are better fish out there, especially ones more than willing to call the day after a first time of intimacy
Don't put your expectation on to him. Guys do this a lot. If I love her this much, she must love me. Maybe not. Eric Clapton wrote a very good album based on this obsessive thinking.
Originally Posted by GenericBreed
Really, he loves getting high and anyone who can help facilitate this will do, but "who" the people are is interchangeable and all are replaceable. Don't fool yourself, he loves the drug.
Last edited by AzWickedCool; 09-22-2009 at 06:44 PM.
Why do drug addicts lie? Because we're drug addicts. We lie to the people we love the most because they're the easiest to manipulate and we can play to their emotions. I'm sure he loved you, probably more than anything. I don't have a ton of experience with H, only a few times, but I have a TON of experience with opiates/pain pills. It takes over, it's all you care about. It's easy to rationalize ANY behavior as long as it allows you to use.
>>>>>> is nasty business, nastier than pills by far, so I'm simply compounded my opiate experiences. He never wanted to hurt you, nor did he ever once take pleasure, I am sure. Drugs change your brain, your perceptions, the way you react to things. Over the course of time he simply became a different person.
You could not have saved him. My best friend since I was 12 died 2.5 months ago (he drank himself to death at 36) and I'm still way ********ed up over it. I have tortured myself, but I realized I couldn't save him. Only he could and he wasn't interested in saving himself, only destroying himself. I had to let him go and I waited 2 years for that phone call to come. It came the day he died. I'm not over it now and I will never be over it. All you can do is pick up the pieces of your own life and move on. You're not Atlas, Honey, you can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You did more than most humans would of. You deserve to life your life. You paid your dues, now it's time to focus on you. God Bless.
While I know what you're saying is true in certain situations, I know that he loves me. He loved me before the addiction, and his love for me has never been in question. I knew him for years and we were friends long before the addiction and before we hooked up. The only problem is that the love is not strong enough to conquer the addiction. I also have to disagree in that he knows he is broken, he just has given up and doesn't believe he'll ever be able to fix it.
Originally Posted by AzWickedCool
That being said, I realized that I was always second, and I agonized over this, he tried to tell me that wasn't true at first, but as time goes on it's impossible to deny. And how awful for me, as a human being who loves him, to come second in his heart after a drug.
Having children was never an issue. Neither one of us wanted any children, ever.
Well, you win the prize for the first post to make me cry today. I know what you mean about the rationalizing I guess... It reminds me of a conversation my boyfriend and I had once, when he was detoxing for that almost-week and he kept asking me, begging me to get him some dope, or to get him some money so he could get some dope, and I told him "No, I'm not going to do it and it's not fair of you to keep asking me." And he told me, "You're the only person I have in the world, I love you, I should be able to ask you anything." And at the time, while I was still upset that he didn't care how much having to tell him "No" over and over was hurting me, I at least thought he said it because he believed that love made it fair to ask. But now I guess I just see it as masterfully executed manipulation.
Originally Posted by Opee
It's just so hard to deal with the fact that the person I love is gone when he was standing right in front of me.
Thank you for what you've said. It really hits home and means a lot to me.
You question is a good one. I was an heroih addict. When I was high and told the people I loved I was going to stop, on some level I think I believed it. As soon as the high wore off, my love of >>>>>> overtook my love of anything else. And why did I manipulate people I really loved? Thats a very easy one. Because I could. I do have a ton of experience with H and it is a nasty business as Opee says. I really loved people but that love was never strong enough to stop me. Marriage didnt stop me. I'm ashamed to admit having a child didn't even stop me. When you reach a certain bottom in your life, its like a light bulb goes off and you realize you have to do something. It's rarely love of another person that causes that to happen. I have tons and tons of guilt and shame NOW for how I hurt loved ones, but at the time, the drug was first, always. I know it hurts you to feel second. I have no doubt that he really truly loves you. But when you're an addict, the drug comes first.
The day before he detoxed cold turkey he did $70 worth of H all at once, when his tolerance had dropped to about $20 a day. He wanted one last "hurrah." And watching him be that high made me sick. It made me so angry with him. He wanted to be all lovey and snuggly and I wanted to push him down the stairs.
Originally Posted by bev49
He started crying and and he was saying all this about how he was tired of being a slave to H and how he was so sorry for all the pain he had caused me and how he was really going to do this, and how much he loved me. And I just couldn't believe a word he said because he was saying it while he was blown out of his mind, and that doesn't mean a thing.
And I was right, it wasn't even the end of day 3 of withdrawal that he said that if I didn't get him any dope I must not love him. I understand that's the withdrawal talking, and he warned me he would be a different person while withdrawal but ********ing OUCH man.
I was and am so tired of being second. I always told him that if he really wanted to make me happy, the one thing that I ask of him and would never ask anything else from him would be to get clean. If he got clean I would be the happiest person in the world. But the one thing I want is the one thing he can't do. Is it so much to ask to be number one in the heart of the person who is number one in mine?
Your b/f is so typical it isn't funny. He is doing everything I said in my post, that I did years and years ago while on >>>>>>. When he stoned out of his head, he will promise you the world. When he wants his dope, that is all encompassing. Its hard for a non addict to understand. You are ready to put him before everything else. He will before you before everything else BUT his >>>>>>. This is the fact. You can stay and wait for him to have his lightbulb moment. My lightbulb moment came YEARS after I started. Or you can think of yourself as No. 1, not him. Perhaps knowing you will be really gone might cause the lightbulb moment but you have to stick to your guns. His crying can't sway you. It's his manipulation.
Why is the high more important than the person who loves you more than anything? I ask myself this daily. Loving a >>>>>> addict is the hardest thing to do. Again, it's my teen daughter so leaving is not in the cards although she will be legal age soon and things can change. I understand you completely. As the mother I get such abuse, f'd daily, my marriage is falling apart, life in addiction is the pits.
I am very proud of you for standing up and saving yourself. It is not easy. I understand the crying bouts, when I would take her to rehab and leave her there I would cry constantly. No matter what we HAVE to realize that they need to want to save themselves. It is different for the addict to be your child, the ties to the addict are stronger than if its a bf/ spouse, etc. The guilt is always there. Stay strong and pray to the higher power.
Is there nothing you can do for your daughter? You said in your state there is no way to force her to go into a treatment program, but it just seems wrong that since she's a minor you're expected to house her and put up with her addiction, it's not like you can kick her out. There's no family anywhere you can send her to far away where she won't be able to get the drugs, maybe some kind of boot camp program? Everyone keeps saying the addict has to want it, but they also have to be allowed to suffer the consequences of their actions, and how can you do that when there's nothing you can do to control her behavior, as obviously conventional parenting won't work with a drug addict.
When she turns 18, do you know what you are going to do? Will anything change? She'll be an adult then, and she should have to start acting like one.
Hon you are in the beginning stages of detaching from this man. All of your feelings are completely valid. Your thought process however will change with time. Thinking that someone will not kill themselves because you are there is incorrect, your feeling is valid but he will do what he wants regardless if you are there or not. That is another manipulation tactic. If he od's and loses his life, it's because of his addiction, not because of something you did or did not do.
I too have suffered a miserable childhood. My mother gave me up for adoption at 7 (thankfully to my aunt) I was living in the filth of Detroit. My father beat me at a young age. I witnessed and experienced some unspeakable things. I hated my mom for years. It wasn't until I turned 18 and she found my number that she started to call. Ironically enough my bf that I lost to an od that was living with me at the time was the one who would give my Mom updates on how I was doing and what I was doing. She finally talked me into getting on the phone with her one day (and I an thankful for that). Moral of the story is the past does not have to affect your future if you choose to move forward and be successful.
Addicts are not capable of making promises that they can keep, period. They will probably say it with the best of intentions in the spur of the moment. The only thing they are chasing is their next fix. The manipulation is on the back side for them, getting their next fix, staying out of wd is their main objective and the manipulation is the means by which they are able to trick their enablers into caving for their benefit. The loved one's that enable them are just a tool. It's hurts, ALOT!!! But that is the truth.
Don't beat yourself up, you did the right thing and saved your life which is all that you have control over. We are all individuals that ultimately only have control over our own personal decisions. Your presence in his life will not make him stop using, your absence has a better chance of helping him reach his bottom. Suffering consequences and losing what is important to him is imperative to him finally reaching his bottom; hopefully before it's too late. I am not trying to scare you, you've come to the conclusion already that his life may end due to his drug abuse. But please understand it is not your fault nor is it your duty to destroy the wonderful life you are capable of leading because you love an addict. He has to be held accountable for his actions and by leaving, you are giving him the reality check that is necessary for him to start realizing that those that love him will not stick around and watch him kill himself.
Your posts really hit home for me, I know the hurt, the want to wave that magic wand and fix it all. Stay strong, not matter how bad it hurts, you are doing the right thing.
"I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it."
Kathleen, my heart breaks for you as it has since we first met. I feel so much for your daughter. Teenagers are the meanest people on the planet and I know she's hurting but the bottom line is your enabling her will not make her hurt less and will only make you hurt more. She should not have the power to destroy your marriage. As soon as she turns 18, I would give her the ultimatum. Treatment or out. The consequence of not having a pillow to put her head on at night just might make her stop and think. Regardless, you won't have to see this stuff on a day to day basis.
GB- Your post/poem to the higher power was beautiful and every bit of it was so true. If only there were a way to make a loved one think as we do, all would be great. There isn't though. The ball is in his court. You deserve to live. My advice is read everything you can find from Lost82 posts. She has been where you are and her postings are always very meaningful. They will offer you a ton of insight into your situation. Off that topic, I agree with what you say re: Purple. You will be deleted for saying it however. Your other post is gone already. Point well taken, though.
Kath again. The desire trumps everything else. You should never have to put up with it but just realize the person loves you, just never enough to stop.
I wish you all nothing but the best.
Well, that wasn't a prize I was shooting for, I'm sorry if my words caused you pain. It's very hard for the loved ones, I know this. I have many loved ones. To disappoint them again and again wears you down.
Originally Posted by GenericBreed
You are doing the right thing. As was said, you are slowly detaching yourself from this man. Continue down that path. Again, and I learned this the hard way, you just can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. You have a good heart, it's obvious. And a brain to go with it. Keep moving in the direction you are moving in. You can't change the past, but you can sure as hell learn from it and not repeat it. The future is totally up to you. I'm not into religion much either, I've seen too many terrible things. But, from a strait scientific view (and I am NOT starting a debate here) something had to create the first 2 atoms to collide together to begin the process of the universe. That 1st atom came from somewhere. That's how I look at it. There IS something up there, I just don't know what it is or if it plays any part in the daily events of humans. Considering some of the thingd I've seen, I sometimes have my doubts. But, that's why it's called faith.
GB, its always said that if junkies used the intellegence the exhibit manipulating, scheming and scamming in a positive way, they could run the world, end wars, cure disease. That might be an exaggeration but really, most dope addicts, your b/f included are just so good at manipulation. I know I was. It must be so hard to look at a person and want to see what was there, and its not there anymore. You have to realize, until he reaches his bottom and does something to help himself, whatever that is, it isn't the person you first were with. Keep on moving forward with your own life. It will get better you. Maybe it will rush him towards his lightbulb moment faster. His tears are a scheme, his claiming you're all he has is a scam. You have to move forward and live your love for you.
I know that if he chooses to take his life it's not my fault, but it doesn't take away the feeling of guilt, that just comes naturally. It would be so hard knowing that if I stayed, he'd be alive. I'd still be living that miserable life, but he'd be alive. He wouldn't kill himself while I was still with him, I believe that. He's attempted suicide several times throughout his life, and thankfully failed each time, though I know failing at suicide has to be full of mixed emotions.
The last time he tried to commit suicide, I was the only thing that kept him alive. He has no will of his own to live, he always said he was living for me. Which I know is unhealthy and honestly puts a lot of pressure on me. If I take myself out of the picture for good, and really do give him that ultimatum, I just don't know that he has the strength to get himself together. But I have to accept that I am not responsible for what he does, and I can only do what's best for me. But it still really hurts.
What bothers even more than the thought of him being dead, for some reason, is the thought that he'd have a grave. A headstone. (If his family chooses to bury him, though I know he wants to be cremated.) There would be proof that he his dead and never coming back. Whenever I think about that I always just wanted to cry.
I'm sorry for all that you've gone through in your life, but I'm glad that you've managed to become such a successful, happy human being, and you're still so willing to help others. It's inspiring.
It's very hard to think of him thinking of me as just another way to get a fix. How can he think that way of me and still love me? I don't get it. I know I'm not expendable, I'm invaluable to him, but I know that on some level he has the expectation that I am going to provide for his habit and that if I love him, I should. And that also hurts me.
It's only painful because what you say is true.
Thank you for your kind words. I'm doing my best to continue on, everyday, and I'm working on creating a future, even if it ultimately means he may not be in it. ):
I know what you're saying about there being something. I think there's too many unexplainable spiritual happenings in the human world (ghosts, mediums, near-death experiences, people remembering past lives) for there not to be something. I don't believe in any kind of organized religion, cuz I don't think we'll ever know what happens until we're dead, if even then, but I do believe there's some kind of force going on that's way beyond us.
Yeah that's pretty true. He's a very intelligent person, though he'll deny it and call himself stupid til he's blue in the face.
Easy to say, just hard to come to terms with. He still looks (essentially) the same. He still has the same voice. His arms still feel the same when wrapped around me. I just can't believe that the tears are all a scheme. I mean, maybe on some level, but really, I know he has to be hurting, it can't just all be manipulation.
Drugs synthesize endorphins and a euphoria that love or sex don't stand a chance against. Once you are as reliant he was on >>>>>> the withdrawals are so bad that you'll do anything or say anything to get more to not feel that way. My best friend died 9 years ago today of an overdose. He came back from NYC after living there for a few year and brought back a >>>>>> habit. At that time he was snorting. I did the same thing as you. I did it one night because I wanted to know what was sooo great about this sh t. All I did was projectile vomit and sweat literally gallons. That was the only time I did it. After that he started shooting. I caught him trying to break into my house and told him I was done with him until he cleaned up. That was the last time I saw him. His brother found him in his bed. His Mother had a nervous breakdown the day before he died. She was in the hospital. Sometimes I think he did it on purpose because he knew the horror he was putting everyone through. He did want to stop and I believe addicts when they say it. I know because I have been a pillhead for 5 years. Opiates were ruling my life during and after 4 back surgeries. I knew I didn't want to be the person who had to have pills to take every four hours. I am on suboxone now and things are very controlled. My life has improved dramatically. I would try to talk to his family, not him, and get him back on those or else he is dead. He may have not inducted correctly the first time and went through precipitated withdrawals. You must be without opiates of any kind for at least 8 hours. Don't quote me on that it could be longer. I know my friend Neal wanted to get better but the will power wasn't there.
Originally Posted by GenericBreed
You absolutely did the right thing and should never regret your choice. The only thing staying in that mess would do is ruin two lives instead of one.
Yeah, see that's what I don't get. Somehow, you just never hear much from the people who tried it but all it did was make them sick. Because I never once got the euphoria I thought I was supposed to feel from it. A half a year or so before I ever tried >>>>>>, I took 2 50mg tramadol. And THAT was euphoria. There was nothing bad about that high at all, it was what I imagined >>>>>> should feel like, though I thought >>>>>> would just be stronger. But no, >>>>>> made me feel like ********, always and without exception. I seemed to get cotton fever a lot more often than seemed right, too. I have no idea why I continued to do it. It is definitely one of the stupidest things I have ever done. I continued to do it, and I got a mild, physical dependence, but I never felt like an addict, if I didn't have it, I craved it some days, but it was no big deal. It was no big deal to leave it behind, I'm glad I did, it wasn't hard. So it's really hard for me to relate how hard it is for the addict when I tried it and I STILL wasn't able to see what was so great about it.
Originally Posted by kindwon
There is no way his family will help him any more. They've offered to put him through treatment themselves (only while I was there, they do things for appearances, not for his benefit, if he went to ask on his own they'd just show him the door) and he denied it, telling them "Just give me a few hundred dollars for benzos and I'll kick it myself." That obviously didn't work, and they just have no trust in him now. They kicked him out again after I left because they found out he was still using. His mother doesn't care about him, any "love" she showed him while I was there was just that, a show. She's a sick woman.
I really still wish that there was some way I could get him help but I've exhausted every resource I had, he's just taken everything from me, I have nothing left to give him. I left to gain these things that I lost back, not only the material things I lost, but I lost my inner peace, I lost my innocence to that BS, I used to be an amazzing artist, now I look at a blank piece of paper and I just have no idea where to begin, and that really depresses me. I want it all back, and I can't get it back while I focus on helping someone who hates himself too much to want to save himself.
I think it's very possible that he wasn't in complete withdrawal when he was inducted, I don't think he took their warning very seriously. I'm sure he was withdrawaling just not sure he did his last shot too late. Because he said the withdrawal was just the same an hour after he took the pill, so he was convinced they couldn't help him and that just really broke him of all hope. Which is why he tried to commit suicide that day.
It will get easier to cope with. I felt bad when I turned my back on my friend but it was after so many "interventions" that I knew it was his choice alone. Everyone he knew tried to help him. It just sucks. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I know it hurts to think of the things you could do to help but you have done all that you can and more.
I am a retired artist as well. I had to laugh when you said that about looking at the paper and not knowing where to begin. I did that for years. I have been starting to sketch again with my 4 y.o. daughter. You'll get back to it, I'm sure. I always said I'll get back to art even if they call me Grampa Moses.
Your doing great and things will get better. Just take care of yourself and everything else will follow.
No art still!?
How long have you gone without art since you started sketching? And only sketching? That's really a bummer for me. ): I hate having had art out of my life for this long, "Artist" was a big part of who I was. The talent is still there (I think!) just... the inspiration is not.
I've been feeling really bad about all this today... reading through this thread reminds me why I've done it and reading all your guy's confirmations and encouragement really helps.
Jesus, I wish I could say more right now, but im kinda taken back. Not only have you made me personally feel like a selfish pig for using.. but I feel bad for you, and even worse for him. If my girlfriend loved me even 1/2 of what you do him - >> have been completely over this trash a long time ago. blegh, way to depress everyone =p
Originally Posted by GenericBreed
Well after reading on, I have to comment more myself. As the previous posters stated, and I sorta did in my first post prior to realizing you wrote so much more... I am him as well.
Originally Posted by GenericBreed
to answer some of your questions from my perspective, with my girlfriend who can also be viewed as an enabler to some extent.
I had the same story, shattered youth, everyone is gone, etc etc. The problem I see with your rationale, is you are making it about YOU. When he wants to get high - it isnt that it is more important than you. For him that isnt part of the equation. Its in a completely different category. Its like colors vs tastes.
From my own perspective (up until recently im actaully detoxing now because im so sick of being dependant on this curse) It had nothing to do with my girlfriend, nothing to do with the high, after a certain point - its to NOT be sick. The withdrawals begin to control your life. I stopped getting high a long time ago unless I were to use an amount well out of the realm of normalcy. But if I were not to use, day 1 would be lethargy and depression. day 2 same as day 1 add anxiety and hot/cold sweats. day 3 add in insomina, cramps, aches. Ughgh the mere thought makes me want to cry. You said you felt mild withdrawal, imagine the worst flu int he world times probably >10.
I mean his situation and mine may be different in some aspects, but I can tell you that I did cry to my girlfriend, because I did know that she deserves so much better. Excuse my being frank, but even the simplest of things (sex) no longer happen nearly as often due to the opiates. He very well may want to stop, he knows inside its wrong, but he's become so used to it, and he cant function sick.
Withdrawal means he'll lose his job, it means if he has anything coming up, it doesnt matter if it is his own fathers funeral, he couldnt go to it. You have to put the world on hold completely for a week.
Has he/you ever considrered sending him to an inpatient program? God knows i never quit quitting but if I got to the point that everything was about to be lost, and I couldnt stop myself... I would be kicking down the door no matter the cost.
As for the whole "how concious are you that you are doing it" thing. It is basically apples vs oranges again. He doenst consider it manipulating you. If you were to bring that to his attention he would probably ask you what on earth you were talking about, and mean it. I know i always thought 20 bucks was a small price to pay vs what the other option was. But after about a week of being off the ********, they say "the fog lifts" and that is EXACTLY what it is like.
I gauruntee if he were to somehow get clean, or end up in a program, the next time you saw him - you wouldnt even recognize him. Ive used on/off for a few years, i wont use my past as an excuse, but pain got me using mild opiates which progressed. That said, this will be my 3rd time clean and I refuse to go through that any more.
Difference is, he did have someone.. atleast one person, he had you and its probably killing him right now. As I said in my previous post, I could have beaten this so much easier, so long ago.. had my girlfriend just tried to understand, or tried to help, or just been there for me.
instead she thinks that its all my fault (which is irrelevent) that I did this to myself, and that I deserve to suffer. She even tells me to basically shut up, when I try to educate her on how/why opiates do what they do, and the withdrawal sypmtoms etc.
Glad to hear you joined the air force though, perhaps you walking away is what he needed to clean up. Sure at first he is probably suffering, probaly does want to kill himself. If he does recipricate the same feelings towards you as you him... he just may realize that he needs to do it for himself, and clean up and win ya back =)
Last edited by klepp1214; 09-24-2009 at 10:45 PM.