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Living with a drug addict
I'm new to the site and need some advice. Let's say someone has been unhappy and is living with a pain pill addict. They have 2 kids who are well aware of the issue. The medication is extremely powerful and is legally prescribed however that person runs out half way into each month, every month for over 3 years. So for 2 wks of the month the person is nice, the other 2 weeks everyone lives with a moody, mean, and selfish person who is very sick with insomnia, diarrhea, anger, RLS, etc. The withdrawals every month are horrendous to deal with and the stress has caused the spouse health issues as well (fibromyalgia which is made worse by stress). When the addict goes through withdrawals, they miss alot of work leaving the spouse to pay almost all of the bills. They have not had any intimacy the entire time the addict has been on those meds (OC). The marriage is virtually non-existent. The addict promised to go to rehab so many times, but always changed their mind because they were too afraid to live with the chronic pain.
Both finally agreed to separate and ultimately divorce. Problem is the house. Neither can afford to keep the home so it will have to be sold. There are times during the withdrawals the addict could not take it any longer and they revert to alcohol (they were a recovering alcoholic before). When this happens the person is verbally abusive and has done alot of damage to the house out of anger. Essentially they cannot sell the house in this condition. The spouse wants to get out of the abusive situation and stress especially for the children, but cannot afford to move without selling the house first. With the addict constantly missing work bringing in very little money, the spouse cannot pay the bills, save money for a rental, and pay for repairs so the house can be put up for sale. She's stuck with no way out. What should she do?
Reading your story, is like reading my own. However, my spouse decided to spend every bit of money we had when he would run out....same thing about two weeks in....buying them off the street. We had cars repossed, bills not paid, my paychecks garnished and finally our house in foreclosure. That is when I said ENOUGH, and took my four kids and moved into an apartment while I still had some money to do so. I just let the bank have the house....I needed to get out and get my kids out and considered it the best thing to do. If you contact your mortgage company and just tell them you are going to give them the house back it is not as bad on your credit as being foreclosed on.
I know how hard it is....watching the man you are married to go through withdrawls over and over....how it effects you and the children is heartbreaking. The lies...so many, many lies become such a part of your day that you question your own sanity. Feel free to look at my story on here mommy4ever.....I have received some great advise, expecially from Henry...I think he is a saint!
Mine promised when the children and I left, he would get treatment...go to meetings get off the damn oxys....but it's been almost 3 months and he has not done one thing....if anything it's worse. They make so many promises they don't keep. My heart goes out to you and trust me you are not alone.
Is there anyone that can financially help you? I know it's hard to ask for help...the embarressment of it all...but sometimes you have to swollow your pride and say I need help....especially when children are involved.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Geesh, I would say take him to court and have him removed from the house, but that might be tough without a lawyer. A lot of states will enforce this in your type of divorce situation, and they will give him a certain amount of time to get out. Obviously, an attorney isn't affordable right now, but I think you might be able to do it yourself with some hard work. I've personally seen judges do this if there is a good reason like abuse.
Your story hits home with me. How it brings tears to my eyes word for word we are living the same life. Wanting to leave and trying to find the courage. I am sitting here right now racking my brain trying to figure out how I am going afford to pay for gas to get back and forth to work this week. I have 74 dollars till the 13th he just left to go buy perc's. I'm in tears. Just as u said: constant missing work or loesing jobs from the sickness I pay for everything. Your struggles are the same as mine and I truely wish I had answeres for u because I need some also. I don't know how to get through this struggle anymore. I'm just considering letting it go back and praying to god I can find some income based housing. It's very hard. I have no idea how to tell him that it's over, I love him very much but I don't love his addiction. I don't love that I can't even afford a simple thing such as laundry detergent half the time. It's hard to imagine my life with out the best friend I once knew.... And realizing that's not him anymore. This person when in withdrawal breaks my windows, car, stove whatever if anyone so Much squeaks a floor board wrong, and the other half the tome is to high to take on adult responsibility such as mowing the lawn or helping me with a flat tire. He can not be counted on for anything. If you have the courage inside of you to know you've had enough go before you change your mind. Find some income based housing sell the house as is or on a land contract to help u pY rent else where and please tell me how u found the courage to accept he won't change, realize your best friend and marriage are gone and the stregenth to tell him.
I cannot believe how much it hurts to read your stories...I mean our stories. What kept me from doing anything for YEARS was money.....you know what I mean...all the money the spend all the figuring out you do...trying to keep a roof over your head and children if you have them...trying to keep the lights on, the bills paid and food on the table while they are blowing every cent on getting another pill. I so get it!! I just had to get to the point where I realized without all the money he was blowing I just might be able to make it.....it was the scariest thing I ever did...but the best thing I ever did. As for help from friends, family, tap into any resource out there....I figured out the govt. would reimburse me for what I paid for insurance so my kids were not on DSHS primary....find out if you qualify for food stamps, find the closest food bank, anything everything then get the F*(()(k out!! They will drag you down until you honestly question your every thought your every action....they make it all about you because that's what works for them....it justifies what they are doing. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!
We are stronger than we think we are....we are worth more than the life they have put us in. Please take care of you!! Please take care of your kids!! It does not get better....it get's worse and worse and worse.
There is hope out there, but only if they want to get better....ask yourself, do they?
In my thoughts,
Being in love with a person that has an addiction has got to be one of the hardest, toughest things in the world to do. Male or female it doesn't matter as addiction is addiction and for the person in love with an addict they have the toughest portion of the relationship. An addict pretty much has it easy. They are given yes or no choices such as "do you want to quite drugs" and the answer may be yes then the next question "are you going to do it now" and that answer will be "I don't know" but in fact that answer is "no". Those in love with an addict are the ones that deal with the real world. As stated paying bills, holding a job, watching the family, cooking, cleaning, shopping, taking care of family issues, friend’s issues, job issues, money issues and the list is never ending. In relationships many times people think of compromise. Of meeting half way. Being in a relationship with an addict there is no such thing. It turns into a one way street and they will take you down with them if you let them. Addicts are the masters of lies, deceit, stealing, manipulation, cheating, and all the other negatives. An addict has got to have the want, need and will to get clean in order to succeed. You can't do it for them. Tough as it is you must move on with your lives and the lives of those entrusted to you. The addict is a heavy anchor and you can only tread water for so long before you sink with the anchor. The addict does nothing to help you in staying afloat and about the only positive thing about an addict is they make a very good bad example of how not to be.
For those out there that are in relationships with an addict that are just starting the time to put your foot down is NOW! Even for those that have been in relationships for a while you must put your foot down NOW! I know it hurts. I know you love them. I know you want the "old" person you fell in love with back. Hard fact and reality is that person is no longer the person you love. You may or may not get that person back but since they leave everything else up to you anyway you might as well be the one to drop the hammer on them and just demand, not ask, "You need to quit this stuff now! Right now right here! Yes or no only. Are you going to quit? Yes or no period". If the answer is yes then help them but don't give them money or anything that helps feed their habit. Help them find NA or AA groups nearby. Help them find a clinic or what ever help is near where you live. Go with them and learn and experience together. You take care of the budget. Don't be lenient with them ever until you have no doubt what so ever even the slightest amount that they are clean and the addiction is behind them. When they get their head out of their rear orifice they will come around and thank you for what you have done. Now if the answer is “no” then you know where you stand and you know what must be done. It will be like a hard slap in the face but the addict made their choice and it was addiction over you. No matter how hard you try to win them over with love all that does is help them feed their addiction because you constantly try to be nice hoping and praying they will see the light and come around but addicts do not think that way. They only react. An addict is reactive not proactive. The only time they get proactive is when they are running out of their DOC and they start to panic and try to find ways to acquire more. Do you see where I am getting at? The pattern is there and it is of abuse. That abuse is to you. You can complain all you want. You can beg all you want. You can wish, pray, plead, demand all you want but bottom line is they will do what is most important to them and unless they have the will to do it for them, not for you or family but for them, they will never be clean. This is why if they say “no” then walk away from it and do it now.
You have to remember we humans are creatures of habit. We all brush our teeth the same way, go to work and come home the same way, put the same foot in the same side shoe the same way, we have patterns and patterns are what makes us predictable. We become complacent in relationships and things are taken for granted. This is why I stated the time to do something about addiction is now. If the addict is given a week, a month or how ever long the only person fooled is you not the addict. The addict will do nothing during that time. Now there are always exceptions to the rule but you will know when you confront them. Any hesitation on their part is indicative of a “no” answer. If you let them get away with something once the pattern for abuse is set. This is why you must take a hard line tough love approach. The addict is more likely to take positive and progressive measures from the beginning if they know they can not get away with squat! For those already being dragged down there is not much you can do except save what you can and run as fast as you can away from them. They will follow when they come around and need money, a phone, a car, food, shelter, what ever. They will give you all sorts of promises and the best way I can describe their words or promise is with “blah blah blah” because that is essentially what they are saying. Don’t give in. Don’t give them money for so called food or to pay a bill. Don’t open the door. Don’t let them use the bathroom. DO NOT YIELD ONE INCH! I can’t tell you how many times I have heard of loved ones giving in and opening the door and letting the addict into their new place just to use the “bathroom” because it was late, dark, cold and rainy. That bathroom visit turned into a cup of coffee, then a hot meal, then sleeping on the couch over night and the reward they got was an argument complete with threats the next morning and all kinds of crud running out of the addicts mouths. After they leave because the threat of calling the police was given a day or two later they find out that the addict when through their medicine cabinet and drawers. All their cold and flu medications are gone. If they had prescription pain meds or benzos those are gone as well. Everything and anything that can be abused is gone. Not to mention one person had her purse on the kitchen counter and later that day she found all her money and even her credit cards were taken. This is how your kindness is repaid so don’t even think of going down that road unless you want to experience it first hand and I can guarantee you it is not pretty. You deserve so much better. That person you fell in love with is gone. Keep that person in your heart and do what you must to move on. It is the fear of being alone, companionless, that empty spot on your heart that is reserved for that special someone just for you and you only is what hurts. Hard as it is you can not cave now. It is ?????? and a terrible thing but you have no choice at this point and must move on and do the right thing. You did your best and you tried your hardest. There will forever be the questions of what if this, or what if that, or perhaps I didn’t try hard enough, and on and on. STOP!!!
Remember that once you move on, out and away from the addict you are opening a new and wonderful chapter in your life. The world holds many truly wonderful things and it also holds that special someone for you too. Give it time and who knows it just might be a VERY familiar face of someone you fell in love with a long time ago. Someone that you thought turned into a drugged up monster but this “new” person standing in front of you is cleaned up, has a job and has had one for some time, drives his own car, has his own place, pays his own bills, no longer takes drugs, attends regular meetings and learned their lesson the hard way but never the less they did. Sometimes fairy tale endings do come true. There is only one way to find out but you can not do it for them.
Good luck and best wishes to all those struggling in a relationship with an addict. Keep you head up, stand tall, be strong for you are worth so much more than they deserve. You deserve better!
Henry, thank you. Very well written.
Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to help me. I can honestly say I don't love him anymore because I haven't seen that person I fell in love with in 3 years. There is no affection. I tried so hard to help him. I tried dosing them each day and hiding them, but he would either keep bugging me for more saying his back hurt soooo bad or he would tear the house up to find them. I've had several surgeries from colitis plus I deal with migraines and fibromyalgia and he's taken my meds from me so many times. I literally can only keep a couple of pills in my purse at a time and hide the rest. I had 2 safes to keep them in and he managed to break into both to get to the meds. I have a lot of scars from my surgeries and when he's in with drawal he would say things like he never had sex with me because I was overweight and ugly. I don't have a good relationship with my mother so he would say I was just like her. Anything he knew that would tear at my heart strings he would say it. I had an antique dresser that meant the world to me, one night during withdrawals he got drunk and angry for no reason and took an axe to the dresser, cut up the kitchen counters, punched holes in the wall, etc. I grabbed the kids and we drove to a parking lot and sat there for hours until his brother could go get him and calm him down. We were afraid for our lives. When we walked in the house there was glass everywhere, TV's were shattered, etc. He just keeps apologizing for everything he does each month and thinks I need to forgive and let it got because like he always says "its in the past". Like it would ever be different!
I'm not afraid to be alone, in fact I am excited over the prospect of a new chapter. I'm 38 and have been with this person since I was 15. We were the best of friends but were always plagued by various addictions. First pot, then alcohol which he overcame both and he was there for me when I was really sick with colitis. But the OC is different. Can't live without it because of the back pain and refuses to live without it. I don't really care anymore. And now in the last week since he's out of the pills he starts drinking again. How do you bring that into the house knowing the damage you caused the last time and what our children had to experience? That is the lowest of lows in my opinion. But he just casually explains it away "I am not drinking around the kids, its just helping me sleep". I tell him I think he is selfish by not fixing the house, not working everyday, etc because he is comfortable letting me do everything, pay everything, and he gets a free ride! His response is "its not like that at all" and then just goes to bed because he NEVER wants to talk about it.
I want to get out today, but what holds me back is money plain and simple. I don't have any family to help me, I am virtually on my own 100%. I can't do the repairs myself because of my health condition, I work nights 10 hrs a day (took the job to make more money to get out and support my kids on my own cause I know he would never be able to pay child support). So I will have to pay someone to do the repairs, paint, etc before I can put this house on the market. And I shouldn't have to pay for any of it since he did it all with his own hands!
Maybe I can use my next check to have someone do the repairs, I got a storage unit last weekend to get any clutter out of the house, and then put it on the market. Pray to the Lord above it doesn't sit on the market for a long time. I need some sort of profit to get my son a car. My teenage son is my rock. He is so responsible and takes great care of his little brother when I can't be there. With my job, I need him to have a car for school and any time my youngest needs to go somewhere.
So I think that is what I will do, use my next check for the repairs, get a realtor out to get it on the market, then start saving what I can. I'll make an appt with a lawyer just to get advice and find out what my options are. It just seems like so much to do when you can't handle one more day in the presence of that person.
I hate it when they go through withdrawals, walk around slamming doors, angry about everything, etc. Then when the WD subside they talk to you like nothing ever happened. Like it is just the normal thing. I guess it is normal when it goes this way every month for 3 years.
Other option would be to do what was suggested and call the bank and let the house go back.
The worst part of leaving is just deciding how to handle it and when I suppose. Knowing that it is over and I will get out of it is the only thing that has kept me going this long. Its all I ever think about. For once I would know where every penny I earn is going and there would be no stress in the house. That is exciting to me. I just have to get there.
Last edited by ddcmod; 06-04-2011 at 04:53 AM.
Like you said - talk to an attorney and see what your options are. Have you ever called the police due to his domestic violence? Punching walls and stuff like that is considered domestic violence, and they will arrest him. You should not hesitate to get a higher power involved (the courts), and a record of him being arrested would help you get him out if you brought that to court.
I had thought of that actually. I have taken several videos and pictures of him when he is on the medication (dosing off in strange places, unable to stand straight, etc) and have pictures of what the house looked like that fateful night. Even though I don't love him anymore, he is my kids' father and I have hopes that one day when he is all alone that the light bulb will come on and he will get the help he desperately needs. After 24 years with this person, I know who he really is and feel like if I did anything that would make him lose his job (we both work for a very good company for a long time that would not tolerate a criminal record), that he would never get that help. I don't want him on the streets with no job, I just don't want him as my husband. Sometimes people don't get help until they lose the closest things to him. I took the videos and pictures because I had to be sure that if there was ever a time that he thought he could have joint custody of my kids, he would not argue with me that I was to have full custody. My kids are with me period, end of story or I will use what means necessary to air out all the dirty laundry. My kids are old enough and love their dad very much (he has been great to them, just not to me) and I don't want to take that away from them.
I know how bad that night was and nothing like that has happened since (it was about 6 months ago) but I cannot get past that night or the verbal abuse over many years. I am an extremely strong person who knows they deserve much better and is not afraid to live on her own so the things he said hurt at the moment but I quickly got past it and knew it was him and the drugs. I know what I am worth so what he says doesn't matter. I don't love him anymore simply because I had to put a wall up a long time ago that said "I cannot change a person or how they act and the poor decisions they make, but I can determine how I react". I decided not to care if he self-destructs and refuse to love someone who doesn't even care about themself let alone anyone around them. They are completely blind to the damage they cause so nothing you say will make any difference. Sorry means nothing if you continue to do wrong. So I don't listen to the excuses or the apologies even if that person seems sincere because deep down you know the problem will continue and you just set yourself up to hear another "sorry". Waste of time and personally I just want to move on, I've already wasted 3 years of my life I will never get back. Don't want to waste anymore of it. Life is too short.
We just had another argument and I told him to please go to rehab for his kids sake. He said he has it all under control and promises to not run out again next month. Of course that is a load of ????. I was hurting so I went to my purse to get some medicine and notice that 4 of my pills were missing. I confronted him about it, he said he took them last night for a headache and was sorry. I told him I don't want to hear it anymore and that he needs to find a way to move out. He told me I was ... and he didn't want to be around me one more day anyway. I told him to be careful what he says or I will go to court and have him removed from the house. He really got angry then. We'll see what happens tomorrow. He thinks I am the mean one for putting my foot down and not wanting to deal with this anymore. He really thinks he can apologize and it is fine. Wonder how sorry he was when he rummaged through my purse to find them since I didn't leave them in the open, I had them in a separate pocket because I knew if any were missing he would have to have gone to the extra trouble of really digging for them. They really have no idea how much of a problem they have, they are so out of control yet think they have it all under control. How crazy is that?
Last edited by ddcmod; 06-04-2011 at 04:53 AM.
Right now my husbands in witdrawl. He's going crazy looking for pills. I made a suggestion that maybe he should just try and quit so he doesn't have to keep fighting this battle.... He actually just asked me to take him to the ER so he can >>>> a toothache... I told him no. We are arguing. He said he can't be around me because everything i say aggravates him, and today's not a day to pick a fight. I just broke down Amd told him it wasnt fair to me to only have A husband when he has pills. I'm his wife I take care of him 24/7 weather Im healthy or battling a flu. His "free ride" has to end so I can be happy again. He doesn't want to quit he just doesn't want to b sick or deal with the real world. I know I'm in for a hard night tonight Amd a hard weekend. The words are on the tip of my tounge to just scream get out. I know it won't go that easy especially since the only place he has to go is his moms located directly in my backyard.... I wish I would of left 2 years ago. Since I know I can't turn back time it's finding a plAn, money, Amd strength and the support to get thru this. Thank you for Sharing your story it has not only hit home but made me feel a little stronger.
All that is needed is to ask the addict just once if they will quit right that moment. Yes or no. None of this stuff about they will think about it or will look into it next week because as I mentioned earlier it just turns into "blah blah blah" with them. Addicts male or female are masters of deceit, lying, stealing and anything else to support their habit. Going to ER to >>>> a toothache or anything else for the purpose of acquiring a controlled substance is illegal and taking them makes one an accessory to the crime if they know about it. Addicts don't care if you get accessorized to any crime as all they care about is getting their fix. It is the short end of the stick for sure but those are the cold hard facts about living with an addict. I am not saying all addicts are bad and there are many out there that hold jobs, support family, are loving and caring and unknowingly have become addicted to opiate based pain medications because they were following doctors orders so to speak. If a person that is addicted takes only what is prescribed to the letter and no more and as direct then tries to stop taking the meds and suffers withdrawal they are chemically dependent. Sure all addicts are chemically dependent but the chemically dependent person does not show "addictive behavior" such as stealing, lying, etc... It is a fine line but that line is still there but splits into two halves with one half going the right way and the other the wrong way.
If you have had enough that then gives you strength to move on. Depending on where one lives there are many programs out there for battered spouses and you will be surprised to find many men in there that are victims of an abusive wife also. They all share the same denominators as all victims of addictive spouses or significant others. These programs are usually county run and it depends on where one resides and what the budgets are for those counties but it is worth checking into especially if one has photos and a written record of what has transpired. They will consider helping one and family to move and there are even grants out there that are given to victims so they can start a fresh life away from the addict. These folks are recorded and documented and are considered as victimized spouses or abused significant others and the police are notified so they are away that there is an addict that had a relationship with the victims so anytime a call for help is received they jump on it right away. Protective services, again depending on where one lives and the budgets of counties etc..., may also document and a judge may court order that the abusive other must notify in advance of any visits or communications to the victims. It’s not much compared to the heart ache and grief suffered but it is better than nothing and something to consider. Domestic violence is a sure sign that it is time to move on and it doesn’t matter what the addict says. They can claim and say anything they want but even an heated argument where one spouse calls the other a derogatory name and the recipient is insulted and appalled that is constituted as domestic violence also. It doesn’t have to just be punching holes in walls, slamming doors etc... Pretty much it is what any reasonable and normal person would not do. Addicts especially tend to think that just because it is their house too they can punch a hole in the wall or break furniture or what ever but if done out of anger it is domestic violence. If the true intension is to destroy say furniture to throw it away because it is no longer wanted then the intent is different but taking an axe to a piece of furniture inside the home is not reasonable and a definite act of domestic violence and destruction of personal property. If it was his and he took it say out to the back yard and in daylight started taking it apart and what a normal and reasonable person could not take apart with normal tools and then he took an axe to it is one thing but what was described is not considered normal behavior.
Often money is the biggest factor in moving out. That is a tough situation and the addict knows this as well and believe me they will play on it using it as an another ace up their sleeve and abuse the other knowing they have no place to go. Often times the victims do not want to get the addict in trouble with the law. A crime is a crime and no normal and reasonable spouse will abuse their other in such a manner and making one sit in their car in a parking lot away from their home at any time of day because they “fear” injury or are just afraid warrents a call to the police. The addict may or may not be arrested and for sure the addict will be VERY upset with you but you know what? They asked for it and bottom line is if they were acting in that manner it would have never happened so stop thinking of protecting the addict for all that does is allow the problem to spread. It has to stop NOW not later not tomorrow or any other time. If they do not head one warning from you then it is your responsibility to do something about it. There is nothing to save if it has gotten to that point anyway so save what you can and call 911. The county can also make it so the addict must leave. If they do not leave they will be arrested and put in jail. It doesn’t matter if it is their house too as there is no place for a destructive and violent offender in the household that puts you in fear for life, limb or property. A restraining order is filed and then the addict must have permission for any contact of any type and must maintain their distance. Many people think these are worthless but they are not trust me. It goes on their record and will affect them in any future scenarios. Ever try to get a government job or a job in some field that requires a back ground check? That domestic violence follows them. Ever try to buy a gun? That domestic violence follows them there too. It subjects the addict to restrictions as required by law so no matter what the addict touts as being his or her rights those rights are restricted and only a court order can have them removed and for an addict to have them removed they will have to go through a long and lengthy process and prove beyond a shadow of doubt that they have reformed and are also past the statute of time limitations providing that particular state allows it.
If there is anyone else out there that has gone through such a scenario please chime in. These folks can use a helping hand with some constructive advice.
Good luck and my hearts out to you folks. Be well, be safe and most importantly do what you must but do it soonest possible. I know easier said that done. Best wishes.
Henry nailed it on the head. A crime is a crime (domestic violence), and if an addict is being protected from the consequences of their actions, it will get much, much worse. There are lots of options out there... Look into them. Don't allow an addict to destroy your home and your children (when there are kids involved). Period.
There is ALWAYS hope
Thanks Henry your words are so helpful.
Helpless I know we are in the same boat here, but I pray that God grants both of us the means to start our lives again in peace very soon. I know I am fed up and have the strength to leave, it is a money issue with me. I want to make the transition as simple as possible for my childrens sake. His family has had it with him too so I have their support 100% and that makes me feel so much better. They are appalled at what their son and brother has done and said.
He gets his refills this week so I know he will start being nice again but we all know that is temporary while supplies last you could say. My next check will be saved for sure.
Helpless keep me updated on how you are doing and I will do the same. I know we have the strength to get through this and have a better, more fulfulling life without the stress and drama of the drugs.
Thanks so much needtomoveon.... Getting support from those in the same spot as myself and can relate to excatly what I say means a lot and it does help get thru the tough times. I can honestly tell u I feel like I have shut down completely towards him. I resent him for putting the family thru this. He "says" he is trying to get into a rehab, however if I thought he was serious I'd be a complete idiot. He called, but I don't think he really was trying. He just wants to look like he's being proactive about the situation. It's awful to say, but every part of me was looking forward to a break from him. Knowing he'd be safe and drug free in a rehab getting taken care of... The thought of it actualy being true, thinking for the first time in a long tome I would b able to breathe again and not feel so stressed from day to day... I was looking forward to it. I now realize I only got my hopes up. The man I loved is completely gone, and I need to find a way to get out. There's still a small glimmer of hope that he will go and maybe just maybe he could change and we could actualy be in love again. Back to the mind set of getting it together quietly and trying to prepare myself to get rid of this life keep me posted on how you are doing always here for u!
Thanks Helpless, always here for you too. You never know what the future holds. Right now I am completely focused on getting the house sold, having my own place and enjoying my kids. I truly believe if there is ever a time he goes to get help, it will be when he is all alone and no one there is to support him financially. He will have to be rock bottom in jail or dirt poor to get it. He would have to be a completely different person for me to even consider going out to dinner with him. Clean and sober for a very long time span. The man I have lived with for the last 3 years is not the man that I married 21 years ago so there are no affectionate feelings there. I have lost all compassion, patience, etc for this person. I can't wait to see what experiences will come my way once I'm on my own, it's exciting to think about.
I also want to say the biggest reason to get out of a situation such as ours in my opinion is because through the whole ordeal I have become a person I don't like very much. So frustrated and bitter all the time. I'm angry tonight because in the last 2 months I have virtually paid 90% of the bills and haven't been able to save any money because my husband doesn't go to work enough to help pay any of them. When I confront him I get the same story "I'm taking my pills right. I will go to work everyday. I will pay my half of the bills." Blah blah blah. We all know the pills won't last and I'll keep paying for everything.
What is different this time is that I truly have no tolerance. I have already warned him if he runs out and goes through withdrawals I will have him removed from the house for domestic violence. It won't be MY fault if he gets taken to jail and subsequently loses his job over it. It is not MY problem ANYMORE. I have to say it is sooooo liberating to finally make that decision. For years, I was afraid to take that step because I did not want to be the one to ruin his life by causing him to lose his job or get arrested. How dumb of me to think that way!!
God bless and keep me updated on your status. We will get through this and be stronger than ever!
Needtomoveon, I think you pretty much nailed it on the head because there are always options when dealing with an addict. Staying in the same misery shouldn't be one of those options.
Hello everyone. Just wanted to give an update. I've stayed strong and things are finally headed in the right direction for me to get my life back.
Although he kept asking me if he gave up the oxy could we stay together as a family I held my ground and made it clear I cannot ride this roller coaster anymore. He went back and forth for a short while trying to get off them and do sub, but that was very short lived and he is back on the oxy. I knew in my heart it would never change so I'm glad I did not waver in my decision. He has a apartment set up and will be moving out in 6 weeks when it is ready.
It will be very difficult to pay this mortgage for a while, but I would rather the kids and I struggle a little financially then to keep living our lives revolved around pills. Although sometimes it is hard to make some decisions because you know someone will get hurt, at the end of the day I know that God did not create me to live my life for someone else and suffer. You have to do what you have to do to be happy. I feel so peaceful inside even though I know there is still a long road ahead. I have never been by myself ever. I have been with this person since 15 yrs old so there will be some major changes to tackle, but I feel so strong and confident that it will all be okay.
Thank you all for your support and for those of you in the same boat, be strong, take a stand, and know that if you put up with it, you are virtually giving them the "ok" to continue hurting you. Don't settle for anything less then what you know inside you truly deserve and that is the best of the best! God bless.
PS, I would like to send a private message to Robert and/or cheeky. How can I do this?
I am new here and all of these stories of what the addict does to the people we love the most!!! You see I am the addict and I am going infor treatment!!! I have hurt my husband in more ways than I care to admit. I have financially ruined us and I feel so much guilt but I couldnt stop taking the pills!! You HAVE to tell your husband how you feel and that you are DONE with his behavior. You need to cut ALL ways off of him to get ANY of the money!!! After you do that you need to get away from him cause when he finds that out, you are gonna see a side of him that will scare you!!! Its not him its those damn pills, I HATE them!!! All the promises he tells you he will keep, he really does want to, but that little voice inside him is telling him to butter you up some more so you can think he will change and get more money so he can get more pills. I have conned my husband more times than I can remember and I am real good at it. Please be smart and domt trust him until you know you can. the only way is through rehab program. I feel you would not be able to do that alone NOWAY!!! Be strong and I am so sorry you are going through this with an addict.
needtomoveon. not sure how to pm on this thing... if i wait till i see your light on, we can swap emails, before mr moderator gets it... dunno why they dont want that happening, but often they get deleted...
stay strong mate, stick to your guns.... good luck. you will be ok, just you and the kids,,, for sure...
Thanks Cheeky. It may be difficult to catch each other online. Not sure what country you are in, but I was thinking you were not in the US. What I wanted to tell you without saying too much is my spouse also comes on this sight sometimes and I love the way you have put him in his place. Recently you welcomed him back to the world of addiction if that helps give it away. You and Robert both tell it like it is which is the best way to be and hopefully gives the addicts a reality check. If you have figured out who it is please skim over the last couple of years of his postings. Its the roller coaster ride of back and forth that is almost the worst part. Reading the 2 different sides is quite astonishing as well. I have read his posts and boy are they coated with a ton of sugar, but then the addict never really grasps the damage they do to the full extent. In any case, I appreciate the advise you have given us both.
says up on my profile on top right, new zealand mate. and proud of it. yup aint american thats for sure... whew.... got scottish blood, born in nz. yeh got the best of both worlds. right now we're snowed under nearly a foot of snow. totally an unusual burst of antarctic cold coming up from the south pole. brrrrr. but nice anyway.
well, nope, i haven't figured it out lol.... um, if you check out hotmail.com well you would find me, im just1kiwi @ ,..
yeh, without being straight forward, give that a try...
glad i can be of some assistance, well hang in there, and stay strong...
I know the last post here is from August, but was just wondeing how NeedToMoveOn is doing? This story sounds exactly like mine. Oh how Henry is so right. My husband is an alcoholic and crack addict. The same thing with punching eLla and breaking things. I got an Order of Protection on my husband just last week. I poured out 10 years of abuse to the judge barely coming up for a breath. Sure, I'm concerned about the finances and losing my home but as Henry said in one of his posts, the addict thinks they got you right where they want you. The addict uses the money as a tool to manipulate and abuse you even more. I will be going back to court to extend the order because I will not have that go on any longer. Both my daughter and I have suffered enough. You can get an Order of Protection for free. Allow for you and your children to live in peace. Seek God! He is your only saviour! I do not recommend divorce to anyone, but I do recommend that you and your children live in a safe place. It's been almost one week for my daughter and I. We are so much more relaxed. I will not go through that abuse for another day or even 5 minutes. Oh and he will blame me for everything no matter what. I hope you're doing good and things have gotten better.