[dust in the wind]

Here I am , busy with the withdrawal so to speak. This is my 3rd day clean from a 10 to 15, 5mg vicodin. I have no sympathy for myself since I quit last week ct and my mind told me in the 4th day that it's OK, it's fine to just go see a doctor for my back problem, which could probably be dealt with with otc medicine, although it's bad for weeks sometimes. I hate to see myself like this so I've been forcing myself to function, take care all these days of my mother-in law whose life depends on me, of my little girl, whose life also depends on me, the house, cleaning and shopping. Also , of my husband's needs, although his life doesn't depend on me, but he is another story. I just want to know, how can somebody, who is not exactly stupid kill 4 days of sobriety? I did the same thing last summer when I went to Europe in my country for a month, went ct and after 10 days I was more or less OK< back in the saddle, feeling good about life again. I was clean for more than a month. As soon as I got off the plane , I caled my doctor, who always ordered the pills for me after a bit of convincing. Trust me, I can be convincing and it's not his fault. So I hate how I feel but I force myself to function, but I have 4 night of counting sheep and going. But I hate even more the feeling when I have to obsess over the oills, willl my doctor be home for God's sake and order the pills in time? Tha's all I thought about every other 4 days. ALWAYS the WAITING GAME and dancing to the tune of the beautiful white pills. I hate that. My doctor has just moved though, so I have no access to him, thank God, and I will never again go see another doctor. It's so hard to go through this alone, of course nobody in my family knows. While I'm functionong through all this, I think that this is when i'm really being a supermom and not when I'm on the pills. I wan to know how to make my mind stop telling me that I'll never feel happy again in a meaningful way? I mean, I know better, I know that this is all a facade that happiness might come again . And yet... I'm so sad, my heart is breking. Thanks for listening, and Dave, for some reason, I'll be waiting for your words.

[Cats Meow]

I thought you'd like this, it's the lyrics to Todd Rundgren's "Dust In The Wind", it's way better then Kansas and done years before theirs.

Dust In The Wind

Tell everyone that I am sorry, truly sorry
For all the wrongs I done
I never meant to hurt nobody
Lord I never want to do no wrong

I have lied, I have begged and I have cheated
And I know my ship won't be coming in
As I lay me down to take my rest
I see that it's just dust in the wind

Take hold my hand, hold it tighter, ever tighter
You must believe that I love you still
But my strength, it grows weaker, ever weaker
And my body has lost its will

Oh my Lord, I have lost once again
And I got no one to help me find my way
But I never wanted to hurt nobody
And I never wanted to do no wrong

[dust in the wind]

Wow. That actually made me cry. I don't know if it's because I'm such a
mess on the inside right now, but it really got to me. Thank you. In the end, it really comes down to not wanting to hurt the people around you anymore, and maybe trying to be kind to oneself. Right know it's really hard for me treat myself kindly, but maybe not impossible. Thanks from the heart.

[dust in the wind]

Wow. That actually made me cry. I don't know if it's because I'm such a
mess on the inside right now, but it really got to me. Thank you. In the end, it really comes down to not wanting to hurt the people around you anymore, and maybe trying to be kind to oneself. Right know it's really hard for me treat myself kindly, but maybe not impossible. Thanks from the heart.

[dust in the wind]

I really dread the nigth, I know I will not get any sleep, but, if
I ever get to see myself out of this, I'll think that MR. Vonnegut himself
has reached to me.I"m still having all the symptoms but I really don't care
because I brought this on myself so, since i had the "fun", I'm having a taste
of the consequances. I'm really sorry for my spelling.
I have all these images of me and the pills. I used to have better things to
do, and yet I remember how one time, i was out of pills and was actually remembering how, 9 years ago I was given a bottle of pills after I gave
birth and never took them, because I didn't think that anything would help.
I had no clue what vicodin was or what it can do to you. I also am ashamed
to remember how one time I was so happy to have gotten the pills
that I actually kissed the bottle as soon as I got home. Boy, did I know
I had a problem right then. I can't believe that I actually had a relationship
with pills, treted them as if they were guests of honor, given them a lot
of my time and life. A LOT of time. I am so impressed by all the people
here who are fighting like hell to get their lives back. Good luck to everybody, God knows we need it.

[matt4848]

The happiness will come, I cant explain that enough!

I'm on day 5 cold turkey no oxy, and I finally feel good again, it WILL COME! YOU CAN DO IT! Just hang in there, the cycle of the drug is trying to beat your willpower DONT LET IT! Just stay postive, do anything you can to keep your mind off it, I know it sounds impossible but IT WILL COME! Just hang in there! Your mind is screaming for the opiate release, and the endorphen withdrawl is probably killing you but it will naturally come back, you WILL DO IT. Dont think any other way.

Every day gets much easier, just hang in there. Do anything you can

Stay here for Support and you WILL make it.

And go find Linkin Park's "What I've Done" the song was wrote for us. And I do mean us, I'm standing right next to you right now, if only in metaphor. We'll make it

Matt

[dust in the wind]

Hi Matt, I can't even tell you how much I appreciate your kindness.
It does take everything we've got to pull it through, doesn't it?
We live in a quick - fix society , but I'm afraid this is going to take
some time. At least it's time well spent. I am very happy to hear
that you've made it so far. You sound really good.
Somebody said that " we are not here to see each other, but to
see each other through". And we are doing the best right now, and
hopefully that will count. Thank you. Please stay in touch. Peace to
you all.

[mpvt]

Hi Dust: You're going through what every addict goes through.You know what your doing is killing you and the life you have with everyone but the addiction fools you back into abuse again and again.
I think you need a support system of some sort to catch you when you fall.I'm not personally a fan of NA but it does work for some people and I can't ignore that or I wouldn't be doing my job of trying to help people.It's totally discreet and they do support each other.
If you can't do that then you really need medical intervention like suboxone.I would suggest rehab\detox but from what I've read those aren't a choice.
After abusing for years and years your brain changes both chemically and physically.That's why when you ct you can only stay sober for so long.Your not producing endorphins which release dopamine and other protiens in your brain to make you feel happy and normal.
Suboxone will fill the place of the endorphins while at the same time letting your brain recover.Here is a website I suggest you go to and read and see what you think:
http://www.naabt.org/feelnormal/ .Good luck and check back here at least once a day for your own support......Dave

[dust in the wind]

I have read a lot of your posts and I know that for hundreds of us
you are God sent. You are simply a kind and wonderful human being.
Thanks for being here for me.
Well, day 4 has come and gone, I didn't sleep (again ) last night
except for 2 hours in the morning, but I'm greateful for any sleep
I can get. I woke up feeling good and did a lot of work, although it
seems that I get tired easily. Took little breaks in between and kept
busy. I read tha last rants by Woody Allen and even managed to laugh.
Didn't think of the pills except to remind myself what a mess I've made
out of things. NA meetings wouldn't work for me at all , but I'm sure
they work for some people. I took a long walk and felt even better.
Can the endorphines come back through exercise ? I hope I'm not
dreaming this but I think that I'm out of the woods as far as the
withdrawals go and although it's been taugh I'm so proud of the way
I've handled it. Not once did I let my kid see me being down and although
I desperately wanted to just lay in the bed or on the couch , I refused
to do that also. All these 4 days I just kept everything inside and at
night I walked my pain quietly. You know what? I think I might just make
it to the water. Time will tell. I'm going to keep posting because it helps
me a lot. Thank you Dave for your kindness.

[binda]

dust in the wind
I hear your story. I've been posting on other threads. I am a oxycontin addict and I too suffer in silence. No one in my family knows anything about what I am doing. having gone thru that myself I complelely understand. I have had days where I spent the entire time thinking about how I'm going to get more pills. I get them now on a regular basis fron a pain speacialist. Not sure that was a good idea. I had to go somewhere and instead of choosing rehab I chose to stay on oxy's. My every existence is centered around them. I have to stop this madness for myslef and my son. If you have gone 4 days you can go more, Its horrible I know, you are stronger than me. My addiction is so bad that I will have to be put on suboxone or I will feel like killing myself. I made the first step and contacted a addiction physician that i will see at the end of Sept. I'm very scared so I keep posting on here because I know that other people know how I feel.Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

[mpvt]

Hi Dust: You're doing great and you should be proud of yourself.
Whenever anyone asks me for info on cold turkey or even when they wean down I always suggest these things.
1)Get out for a walk at least twice a day!!Walking promotes endorphin production and get's you moving.Have you ever noticed how you felt when you were younger before drugs, how you felt after a brisk walk.That's an endorphin rush!.
2)If you can,eat a high protien diet for a couple months to build your energy back up.You may not realize it but your body has been thru hell and back and needs good food.
3)Drink gatorade type sport drinks as they replenish electrolytes which helps with your energy.Stay away from the so called energy drinks like Red Bull ect.They contain alot of caffine and they aren't good for your heart.
4)For aches and pains take advil gel caps if you can take nsaid's,if you can't then tylenol.

You're on your way to a great new life and each day you will likely see a bit of an improvement.
Be very careful that you don't fall into the "Oh I've been clean now for a month and I know I can handle a couple pills and stop".This is a very real danger when you start to feel better and many people relapse at this point in their recovery.I have never heard of any addict that can just take a couple morphine every couple months.Addiction has a ferocious appetite and the more it can get the better.
Alos alot of people that do relapse tend to take more then they did before they quit,not sure why this happens but you here of it enough.
Anyway,take care and keep that mind busy to by reading or doing something that requires you to think.Good luck and check in often for your support.Congrats again !!!!Your doing great.......Dave

[dust in the wind]

Thank you everybody for the support, and thank you Dave, yet again.
Day 6. Feeling good in spite of getting just 2 h. of sleep for the last 6
days. I went out and got all the stuff that Dave reccomended for
the withdrawal including vitamin B6 and B12. I also got Spirulina which
is a great antioxidant. I think that what helped me the most, was the
fact that having cut ALL my links towards the pills, I know that there
is no way that my sticky little fingers can get some and that's a great
mind relief. When I would be out of pills, having taken my last one
just an hour before, I'd go through intense panick attacks, deep
depression, all the symptoms of withdrawal, although I couldn't have
had any so soon.
This time around, not having to deal with the Waiting and having no
places to go (like pharmacies, for instance). the only thing left to do
was to really concentrate on getting better.
Another thing that helped was NOT sitting around on the couch or
bed and not having to count the minutes or hours. I kept busy ,
although my energy wasn't that great. So I took short breaks, drunk
water and gatorade, ate bananas and then started doing little things
again. The day went faster that way. My mind seems clear in spite
of no sleep. I had enough time to go through my most embaressing
moments that were pill related and thought that first thing I got to
do as soon as I feel a bit better is to get my pride back. It already
feels sooooooooo good to know that I don't have to keep this dirty
secret inside and go through the begging process of obtaining the pills.
I don't know how many hours of my life I've spent Waiting for the
doctor, for the pharmacy, for the pills to kick in. I'll never get those
back. Also, I'm walking a lot know, twice a day. Thinking back, in
the last years, th epills weren't helping me the way they used to.
Most of the time I was just chasing the feeling and being angry that
they were NOT doing their job properly. Could it be ? This feeling of
new freedom, of being able to look my kid straight in the eye and
myself, hopes that I can be happy again? I'm not used to feeling
good about myself anymore and yet, I feel it coming and I'm welcoming
it. I'll keep posting because it helps, since you guys are the only
people I can talk to about this. And thank you, again and again.

[mpvt]

You're doing great DITW and keep going.
It is amazing how much time and energy we put into our addiction which goes to show just how powerfully addicted we really all are.
You should be at the point were your really starting to feel good and this is great but it's also a dangerous time that you need to be aware of.
Your addiction will try and justify that you can now handle a couple pills here and there with no problem.This is how most people fall into relapse.So remember that you are an addict and always will be and you need to be careful.
It gets easier with time but believe me it will always be there.
I know addicts that were sober for over 30 years and then one day "bang" they decided to take some opiates and they were right back to abusing daily.
Well enough of that,let's just take this day by day and just remember that it can happen if you let it.
Now get out there and start enjoying your life again......Congrats and I hope you are proud for yourself because you really should be.No small feat what you've done........Dave

[Dave87666]

Hey Dust...Well I just saw this and I agree with what has been said so far.What you really need to do is get yourself on suboxone to not only help you out with any w/d you may be going through(unless its over) but also to help you with cravings,and keep you away from opiates(its has a blcoker in it).So even if you try and use it will not only block you from feeling any high,but also make you sick as hell...Go to suboxone.com they have a Dr. locator on there and also explain the drug for you,in fact they will even send you a free DVD(I never sent for it),but either way Im sure it just explains again how the drug works...Good luck,and keep in touch! you can email me if you'd like to talk in private Hitinthc1@aol.com

[Cats Meow]

I think you inadvertently messed up there Dave, the Naloxone in the SubO only has a blocking effect if one tries to inject or insufflate the drug, it doesn't have anything to do with opioids not having any effect.

[mpvt]

Yes you're right Cat the buprenorphene has an incredilely high affinity to the opiate receptors.The nalaxone is in the suboxone to discourage iv user's and snorters.If injected or snorted by an addict you will go into precipitated withdrawls....Have a good one people.....Dave