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leaving my drug addict husband
  1. #1
    managirl is offline New Member
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    Default leaving my drug addict husband

    I have recently found (about 3 weeks ago) out that my husband is snorting oxy's and my whole world has tumbled down around me. My husband is a "recovering" cocaine user/dealer & has done a year in jail due to this. I am seriously stressed about this situation and do not know where to turn or what to do. I am so lost right now and am striving to resolve my marriage- I really do not want a divorce, but can't see my self going through the pain & sorrow of this situation again. He has simply changed drugs & obviously has not "recovered" from anything. He is in serious denial and the deception is dissolving our marriage. I can't trust him or anything he says because he has been lying to me to cover his actions. He has stated that he wants to quit, but he is not taking any action to acheive this.

    Instead he is pretending (telling me) he is reducing his intake but he I dont think he is, why should he? He thinks he can do this by himself, well he probably doesnt really believe that, he just doesnt want to actually have to do anything or involve anybody.

    managirlHI

  2. #2
    Lynda is offline Member
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    Hi Managirl,
    It sounds like you have him figured out. He has only changed drugs and is not making changes. It always hurts my heart to see marriages dissolve, but there have been rare times when I suggest that either the wife or the husband file for divoice and get out of the situation. Those rare times are: when drugs are involved and when abuse is involved. No person should be subjected to an environment of either. He can talk all day that he's changing and he is only trying to convince himself.

    He wants to think that he has his addiction under control and that he can handle it. As you know, the drug controls him.

    Keep us posted and I do wish you the very best - it's what God planned for all of us. Lynda

  3. #3
    cluelessNJ is offline Senior Member
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    Managirl, I am sorry to hear about your situation! I know it sucks! Remember that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!!!! Have you been married long? How long has he been snorting the OC's? That was my drug of choice before getting clean. If he is using often he will experience some MEAN withdrawl! Is he looking to get help or just telling you he wants to? There is a HUGE difference. I said for a long time I was quitting but it was to keep my other half happy. Basically I told him what he needed to hear to stay off my back! I feel so bad for you right now! I will be thinking of you!

    Not so clueless,

    CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

  4. #4
    mpvt is offline Platinum Member
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    Hi Managirl,it's time to move out and let him decide what's more important,you or the drugs.There's no reason for you to stay seeing that this is all old news and he's just been sneaking around behind your back.Tough love is what you need to do.Good luck and remember this isn't your fault no matter what he say's....Dave
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  5. #5
    zippysgoddess is offline Platinum Member
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    When I was once engaged to a controller/abuser my landlord, who was also a good friend gave me some advice that I still remember, it really hit home with me, it is very true and something you should always remember and keep in your mind.

    "You can't love enough for two!"

    You can't fix him, you can't change him, you can't make life perfect for both of you, it doesn't matter how hard you try.

    I hate to see anyone get divorced, but sometimes there are no other options left. No matter how strongly you believe in love and marriage, when it is all one sided, it just isn't worth the torture.



    My information is not guaranteed correct. I do not get them right all the time, but I do enjoy the hunt~
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  6. #6
    managirl is offline New Member
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    no, we have not been married long about 18 months. we have dated on-and-off for about 10 years (the "off" was when i couldnt handle his coke addiction anymore and i broke up with him) he then got went to jail for a year & was clean for 3years then I THINK right before we got married he started taking the pills, he says hes only been snorting them for 3 months (possibly a lie) but it makes so much sense that the last 3 months or so have been the worst of our whole marriage- yeah i really only hear words dont really see much action. i am encouraging action, but really, i am not his mother (or anybodys)so im kinda over that. if he wants it, he needs to persue it.

    quote:Originally posted by cluelessNJ

    Managirl, I am sorry to hear about your situation! I know it sucks! Remember that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!!!! Have you been married long? How long has he been snorting the OC's? That was my drug of choice before getting clean. If he is using often he will experience some MEAN withdrawl! Is he looking to get help or just telling you he wants to? There is a HUGE difference. I said for a long time I was quitting but it was to keep my other half happy. Basically I told him what he needed to hear to stay off my back! I feel so bad for you right now! I will be thinking of you!

    Not so clueless,

    CLEAN DATE 1/23/06
    managirlHI
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  7. #7
    managirl is offline New Member
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    i feel that it is true that i need to move out!!! but i think he should fricken' move out! i didnt cause this BS!! but of course he pays the morgage so off i go! my other concern is our HUGE dog, i really dont want to leave him there to be ignored, but i have no where to take him......drugs are lame! thats why i dont do them!


    managirlHI

  8. #8
    sweetchikk05 is offline Banned
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    Hey managirl....your not alone, I am packing my bags right now, I am taking a break and I thought i would hop on the forum and say my goodbyes I am no longer going to have access to a computer, our situations differ but they are alike, I have gotten the courage to leave my boyfriend, we have been together on and off for 4 years, I have 2 children by him and I am pregnant with our third, I wish you the best and pray for you to get the strength that I myself have endured, I am so very nervous but I know in the end its for the better, I am abused and dneyed that I was, I have all the symtoms of being mentally abused, I felt like my life was wriiten on the mental abuse forum quiz thing I took, Good luck to you dear and just know that your not alone...I want to wish everyone well as I will not be returning to this site unless I have access to a computer, or if I return home in the end, Thank you all for your kind words and helpful advice, I am glad you all were there for me, you have been wondeful friends, thank you so much for helping me decide to leave Todd, you have already helped me change my life for the better and get off drugs, its amazing to me that you once again helped me to make a life changing desicion that is for the better for my children and myself, thanks so much everyone!!! I will miss you!!! This is sweetchikk...Liz ann signing off... Love to all


    Liz ann

  9. #9
    browneyedgirl is offline Member
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    Hi Managirl,

    It is browneyedgirl from the post 'beating addiction'. I honestly thought i was reading something i had written too when i saw your post. I was thinking i wouldn't wish what i am going through on anyone. the pain is too great. we have been married for almost 5 months and to be honest it hasn't been the happiest time of my life like it is supposed to be. i was with my husband for 4 years before we were married.

    I feel exactly the same as you- we are the ones trying to save our marriage while our drug addict husbands are happy with their addiction. thats all they want. CluelessNJ summed it up so well for me she said 'the addiciton is their marriage and we are just a side dish.' it is very true. I just feel like it's me fighting to save our marriage and all my husband wants is his drugs.

    I understand how hurt and alone you feel. when you realise the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with is doing this behind your back, lying, sneaking around, stealing it hurts more than words can describe.
    for me i feel bad because i cant fix it. you have to understand you cant change him. he has to want to change his life for himself. unfortunately it takes something as serious as you leaving him to make him realise that. he has to lose out on something. i told my husband time and again i would leave him and he continued. he let me down 6 times, he always relapsed and went back to the drugs. he said it doesnt matter if i say i will leave him, the addiciton in his head doesnt care, it needs and has to have the drugs. but he wouldnt seek professional help so it is a viscious circle. the last time he said he would pack my bags for me and let me go if he failed.

    anyway we have him an appointment tomorrow for the suboxone treatment, he finally decided he couldnt do it alone and he needs profesisonal help. he was still a little bit reluctant to do the calling himself, despite the fact he feels awful right now as he is going through withdrawals. he didnt want to help himself. luckily one of the offices called me back today and i got him in.

    if he fails with this i think i have to leave him. no-one deserves this. i left great friends and a loving family and moved to be with him and all he has offered me so far is a life of lies, deceit and financial disaster. if he isnt 100% into it, he will lose out. this is my final effort, i am too emotionally tired.


    my husband started off snorting oxy's and then he got into more serious stuff and he was out of control. i never believed i would see him like that.
    have you spoken to your husband about it? he will tell you he is cutting down but he wont be able to do it himself. if he wants you to help him you need to be in control of his supply, if he is in control he will just snort them. don't get sucked into the stories either. i did time and time again. i wanted to believe him. an addict will come up with amazing stories and lies to hide the truth. they will tell you whatever you need to hear. i am wise to it now and can spot it a mile off. i can always tell when he is using by the things he says, the way he behaves, all kinds of little things.

    you have to talk to your husband about it, tell him how you feel and that you wont stand for it anymore and he needs to get help.
    let us know how it's going

    browneyed girl

  10. #10
    browneyedgirl is offline Member
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    i have just read your new messages, you must have been writing them while i was doing my last entry!

    i sometimes wish i had left about 4 months ago when i first said i would. i know i would be better off without my husband, i would probably never look back and find a better life for myself.

    i hate drugs , i was very naive to begin with, i had never been around anyone abusing pain pills before, let alone married to someone injecting themselves with the ****!!!!!!! i never realised how serious it was.

    you are doing good if you feel you need to leave. you dont deserve to be treated like that. let us know what you decide

  11. #11
    zippysgoddess is offline Platinum Member
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    You are married, it doesn't matter who pays the mortgage, you have as much right to the house and anything else you have acquired or paid on while you were married as he does. Many women do not realize this and leave with nothing, but by law, you do not have to be left with nothing.



    My information is not guaranteed correct. I do not get them right all the time, but I do enjoy the hunt~
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  12. #12
    steelpony is offline Junior Member
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    I feel the pain. I left 2 years ago and still beat myself up over it. I lost everything. When I left I had a small suitcase and the clothes on my back. All my valuables were sold, pawned, swapped, whatever. I had to leave my horse, and my home. But I still have a little bit of sanity left. Living with a drug addict is the worst hell on earth. There isnt any other way believe me. Just bite the bullet and go, keep the kids safe. who knows what the future will bring for you.

    ellen

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    managirl is offline New Member
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    well thankfully i dont have kids & unlike browneyed I have my friends and family down the road, but it doesnt make this easy. its hard to give up the vision of how you wanted things to be. to give up the hope of a happy family. its weird now because a few months ago i wanted to start having a family & now I cant imagine having kids with this man. it scares me to start over & move back into my parents house- how embarressing, he should be the one to move out. I went to the Doctor today to get like a medical consult on the whole situation-i wanted to educate myself on this drug, etc. she said that a lot of people with this kind of problem have ADD (or ADHD) and my husband is self-medicating it. she also said i should go to al-anon meetings-can i go to these even if its not an alcohol problem, but a drug problem? anyone have thoughts on this? thanks for all your help & listening!

    managirlHI

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    managirl is offline New Member
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    i never knew people injected it! pills? really?

    managirlHI

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    zippysgoddess is offline Platinum Member
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    Yes, there are people who inject them, they crush the pill and dissolve it in something, then shoot it up!



    My information is not guaranteed correct. I do not get them right all the time, but I do enjoy the hunt~

  16. #16
    managirl is offline New Member
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    wow.

    managirlHI

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    browneyedgirl is offline Member
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    yep believe me i never knew this!

    my husband started swallowing a pill occasionally, then increased his dose and how often. then he realised he could snort them for a quicker high, mix them in with some valium etc. now he injects Dilaudid.

    yep i am trying to work up the courage to leave, i want to so badly

    i feel the same about a family too. thats what you imagine when you get married , a family etc and i want all that but i know i cant and dont want it with this man!
    i know i could have a better future so why cant i break away?

  18. #18
    managirl is offline New Member
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    its hard to give up the hope of how you thought things would be for you.....at least thats how i feel, i am having a hard time giving it up. i feel as if i cant even think about this **** anymore, i barely remember a time when this wasnt my reality. how much easier my life was, how good i had it & i never even knew it......tear

    managirlHI

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    cluelessNJ is offline Senior Member
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    Managirl~~ How are YOU! I was thinking about your situation along with browneyedgirls and I know it really sucks! I abused everything mostly oc's for over 5 years and I did quit but I WANTED TO QUIT! He really has to want it for himself. Right now he is married to his addiction. You willl come second until he wants to stop! Stop dreaming of how things could have been! Look at your situation for what it is! I know that comes acrossed harsh but really both of you deserve SO much more! There is so much more to life than drugs. My boyfriend did give me many chances and I messed up EVERY time! I told him EXACTLY WHAT HE NEEDED TO HERE to get him to get off my back! After 7 years together he was willing to walk away because I was not the person he fell in love with and not the person he wanted to spend his life with. He always came second to my addiction. I really hate the position you and browney are in but way your options....... Do you think he will quit? What are you instincts telling you! Do what is best for YOU! Not him, he is not thinking about your feelings when he is using! Let me know how things are!

    Not so clueless,

    CLEAN DATE 1/23/06

  20. #20
    fkunorko is offline Member
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    I agree with needing to "want" to quit...you have to WANT to quit, and really realy really really really really want to quit.....and unfortunately the only time we really really WANT something is if it will cause us direct positive results! Or like sometimes in these situations it usually takes something terrible happening (like a loved one leaving, or worse) But unfortunately, the reason I STARTED taking pain killers is because of loved one leaving me...it helped cure the pain of heartbreak, and continues to help with the pain of lonliness. So I have no detramental reasons to quit...So I had to FIND a reason! I have no meaningful relationship, i'm pretty much in this world all by myself (other then myspace haha) So I had to be creative and figure out a reason to want to quit. One thing i came up with is I want to get good at running long distance (at least a few miles) but I cant seem to get in shape if i'm using.....I also went and bought a dirt bike, so that helps my desire to quit.....I got no relationship in my life so I got to be creative and quit for myself. And so does managirl's and browneyed's husbands. they have to want to quit. bottom line.

  21. #21
    ScorpF4 is offline Member
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    From what i hear its really hard to shoot up oxys tho, cuz the liquid turns into a goo-like substance that cannot be shot into the vein. But watch out for Dilauids, ur husband can shoot those up all day long...

  22. #22
    fortysixandtwo is offline New Member
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    I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I understand and I hope that makes you feel not so alone. It must be so difficult to be married to the man you love yet still struggle with trust because of drugs. My boyfriend is a drug addict as well. Oxy, >>>>>>, and crack have been his problems since we've been together. He has been through two rehabs. If you would like to talk more feel free to reply.

  23. #23
    goldenbrown is offline New Member
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    Hi

    I have just joined site tonight and am amazed that I am not alone in my situation! but when I was reading your comment I noticed you said your doctor said people with this problem are ADD or ADHD? can you just confirm with me do you an the addict or us the non addict?

    Thanks

  24. #24
    Miles is offline Member
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    managirl, your doctor’s comments about ADD are pure tommyrot! No one “has” ADD. It’s not a disease that people “have” like cancer, diabetes, COPD, etc. It’s pure and simple…behavior! I don’t usually give advice, but as you leave your husband, you might want to leave your doctor as well. Someone has to graduate last in her/his class in med school and it sounds like you may have found her.

  25. #25
    jdog55 is offline Junior Member
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    please don't leave him, he needs your support. what he has is a sickness and stopping is hard,very hard. i'm in day 5 of WD from 10/325 120 a month and 80 mg oxycoton 80 to 90 a month for eight years. have you or the family tried talking to him??? the last thing he needs is pressure.. he will just get more. i know my wife has done everything even talked to my doctor to stop prescribing my meds..my daugter called me a druggie, i then flushed my meds down the toilet. let him read this, right know i am going thru hell, sure i can go to the ER and get more,put i won't..I do hope you stand at his side and help him, and do realize this is a sickness...

  26. #26
    mommy4ever is offline Junior Member
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    Default I understand

    Im 48 and have been married for 22 years. My husband has always had prescription drug problems, but I choose to believe that it was because he really needed them....back pain, neck pain, etc. etc. etc. As painful as it has been watching ALL the the lows that go along with being addicted to Oxy's, or whatever else he can get if he can't get, I wanted to believe that there was some part of him that kept it together because of our children. I have supported our family for the past two years (my kids range from 16 to 5) I have done everything to keep this family intact and protect my children from this horrible situation and I get thinner, sicker, and more tired everyday of this complete sham of a family and marriage. Christmas was heart breaking. This is when I found out almost all of his unemployment money goes to drugs, money I give him to pay bills has gone to drugs, money I had to buy christmas presents for the kids gone to drugs, bills hidden, lies, lies, lies and more lies. I'm done, I can't live like this anymore. I know I'm suppose to understand that it's not him, its the addiction but I can't. I have never wanted or asked for much, but I deserve more! My kids sure as damn well do. My advice is do not believe one word you hear, protect yourself, protect what is dear to you and make a life before it's too late....i just hope I can follow my own advice.
    Last edited by mommy4ever; 01-03-2011 at 05:23 PM.

  27. #27
    gypsychic is offline New Member
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    I didnt think anyone could understand or be living my hell. Browneyedgirl I cant believe how similiar our stories are. I have been with my husband for over 3 years, and we just got married less than two months ago. I knew he had drug issues in the past, but he seemed to turn his life around. He treats me like the center of his world, will do anything for me, my kids loved him, his family loved me for helping him move forward. He would slip, once in a while, but get back on track. Then he just seemed to start doing it more and more before the wedding. I should have called it off, but somehow i felt it was too late. What would people say? I was ashamed to admit what had happened to our lives. Maybe I thought that the wedding would be a defining moment and give him the strength to get back on course. It is worse than ever. So much for the first year of being on a cloud, not even a first month. I am torn apart, devestated, ashamed, angry, and feel like im losing my mind. Who is this man? He is not the same person I fell in love with. There is nothing worse than this pain!

  28. #28
    concerned222 is offline Junior Member
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    Managirl,

    We are in the same situation. My boyfriend's addiction has been spiraling out of control, and I'm regretting not mentioning anything sooner. Every time I bring it up, he has some sort of BS justification or lie. I have never felt so manipulated. My plans were to leave my friends and family and move to the opposite side of the country to be with him in May, and I can't go through with it, I feel like my world is beginning to crumble. He lost 20 pounds in 2 months and I've found all the evidence, random pills, syringes, cut straws. It's a battle in my head of whether to break it off or be there for support, such a hard place! I'll be thinking of you and praying we and anybody else who is going through this heartbreaking experience the best of luck

  29. #29
    amanda28 is offline Member
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    To the poster that is suggesting she stick around and help him out... I agree with you to an extent. Yes, if he is going to seriously kick this habit, he needs all the support he can get. A couple nights ago I had a really big kick in the *** wake up call... and I could not have gotten through it as well as I did without my husband by my side supporting me 100%. But the difference is, I was ready to change... I was ready to quit lying and I showed that- and proved it. I gave my husband all the information he needed to know and I gave him my prescription and we made a plan together... and we have talked about it every night since.

    If you think your husband is telling the truth and willing to change for you, then stick around... he could really use the help... but don't stick around too long. You have a life to live DRUG FREE... you don't deserve to stick around this terrible environment only to get lied to and mentally abused even more.

    You take care of you...

  30. #30
    ComingHome is offline Senior Member
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    That was a good post Amanda. The only thing I would add is don't listen to his words, listen to his ACTIONS. Saying he wants to quit is one thing, but if he's not taking any actions to get help quitting, it's very likely BS. Getting and staying clean takes an extraordinary amount of effort, and most addicts need a lot of help.
    There is ALWAYS hope

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